S1 Ep99: Save The Mexican Pizza
Post office drama, phone overboard, trigger warnings are important and what is the electoral vote! Raccoon babies have arrived, catfish is staged, Saturday is World Mental Health Day.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Waves I Met The Devil Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction...
1hr 11m Oct 15, 2020
1hr 11m
S1 Ep98: Mrs. Buttersworth
Beware of guitar picks, Dottie is happy, baby and Carolyn are getting sassy. Halloween is cancelled, PLEASE make sure you vote.  *Trigger warning: domestic abuse is discussed* This week’s tv recommendations are American Murder: The Family Next Door, The Eddy, and The Getaway.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your f...
1hr 49m Oct 08, 2020
1hr 49m
S1 Ep97: Don’t Scream In The Bank
We’re back! Hospital nightmares, no skin checks, vaginas do bleach panties. Monitor your kid’s zoom messages and don’t scream in the bank. Ratched is this week’s tv recommendation. Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://betterhelp.com/) and use discount code HELLO, that’s...
1hr 42m Oct 01, 2020
1hr 42m
S1 Ep96: Nose Stink
Our new baby is here!!  The rough ride is finally over, Crystal is healing with a frustrating new side effect, please wash yourself thoroughly before receiving a service.  We can’t hang out with problematic celebrities and as a rule, let’s continue learning and becoming a better you every year.  Queen & Slim is this week’s tv recommendation.   Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now Bett...
1hr 43m Sep 17, 2020
1hr 43m
S1 Ep95: Can You Even Fit Your Fingers In There?
Today’s the big day!  Taco Bell KEEPS breaking our heart, Crystal is experiencing some interesting nasal changes, we share secrets on this podcast. Celebrity disappointments, the fires are consuming A LOT, please don’t ejaculate your pets.  This week’s tv recommendations are The King of Staten Island and Married At First Sight.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offer...
1hr 14m Sep 10, 2020
1hr 14m
S1 Ep94: Poop Knife
Crystal updates us on her surgery while Pata Fria prepares for hers. Family drama, lots of bullsh*tting on OF, an injured testicle. A funny work story, a listener write-in, and you’ll never look at butter knives the same.  This week’s tv recommendations are In The Dark, 1BR, Married At First Sight, Steel Magnolias and Fried Green Tomatoes.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterH...
1hr 56m Sep 03, 2020
1hr 56m
S1 Ep93: Vaginal Preservation
Crystal is nervous about surgery and guys are really gross. Our air quality is awful and depression is on the rise. Kittens are available! vaginas weren't made for men and please use extreme care when introducing step-parents into your family. I May Destroy You, Perry Mason and The Rain are this week's tv suggestions. Stay safe and don't forget to subscribe! Join our Patreon!! http://patreon.c...
1hr 21m Aug 27, 2020
1hr 21m
S1 Ep92: I'm A Receipt Keeping Bitch
This week we’re celebrating Crystal’s birthday, playing matchmaker and calling out bullshit. Unexpected places to blow off steam, listener write-ins and probably the worst birthing story you’ve ever heard. Stay cool, stay safe and subscribe xo Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction...
2hr 6m Aug 20, 2020
2hr 6m
S1 Ep91: Ghosts Are Assholes
Waking up to some bad news, Crystal is Snow White in her dreams and don't ever question what someone else is purchasing. Fruit cocktail is tied to some uncomfortable memories, new paranormal things are happening and micro penises are more common than you think.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head o...
1hr 58m Aug 14, 2020
1hr 58m
S1 Ep90: The Spence Stinkies
Crystal is dressed like The Ultimate Warrior, Pata Fria is having contractions. Wear clean underwear for your medical procedures. Don’t have strangers text your kids, if you want Dottie or Crystal’s attention use cheese. Pregnancy really causes some unexpected surprises and body modifications have reached shocking new levels.  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: ...
1hr 51m Aug 06, 2020
1hr 51m
S1 Ep89: Maybe Don’t Eat Canned Meat
Welcome back...some babies have arrived, court went well, cats cast spells, watch out for things sucking your feet! Check expiration dates everywhere, don’t joke about anyone’s trauma, utilize social media now more than ever and bring back products from the 80s!  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head ...
1hr 38m Jul 30, 2020
1hr 38m
S1 Ep88: Speaking Of Heavy Meats
We’re back with a bang and good news from our doctors! Crystal had a long visit inside a small chamber, spiders can’t be trusted, keep your kids close but give your doggies some space. Try new meats and always be aware of your surroundings. Some difficult news and code switching isn’t a good thing after all. Are re-born dolls doing more harm than good?  Enjoy xo
1hr 52m Jul 23, 2020
1hr 52m
S1 Ep87: Kevin Is Famous
California is shut back down, we might lose the Oakland zoo, Crystal and Kevin made the news! Stop following problematic artists, Oklahoma natives are owed some rent and some listener write-ins are discussed.  Wear a mask, people.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com (http://b...
1hr 37m Jul 16, 2020
1hr 37m
S1 Ep86: You Go Fight At Cheese Park
Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Fires, no sleep, bubonic plague and firecrackers. Racists exposing themselves, a sad election and a couple fights. Always put your own well being first and get out of your comfort zone.  Enjoy xo. 
2hr 21m Jul 09, 2020
2hr 21m
S1 Ep85: Just Leave Him
Busy busy week learning new technology. Crystal’s been diffusing family drama and Pata Fria is stressed from not working. Covid is alive and well and it looks like we’ll be charged for treatments after all. Headlines are usually lies and communication is always key.  Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first mont...
2hr 10m Jul 02, 2020
2hr 10m
S1 Ep84: Always Wipe The Pee Off
Happy Juneteenth/Father’s Day/Birthday! The ghost is picking on Dottie, Corona is alive and well, please rinse your damn dishes and everyone needs to wipe. Natalia is at it again, we have some really awesome listeners. No family towels and the ground is still lava.  Enjoy xo 
1hr 53m Jun 25, 2020
1hr 53m
S1 Ep83: Crest With Sparkles
Family drama, celebrities in trouble, a heart attack scare. Police are being erased from tv, company branding is getting a much needed makeover and a few businesses that won’t survive the pandemic. Some day to day objects that can be surprisingly useful, don’t sell content that isn’t yours! And now’s a great time to explore some online dating. Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now B...
2hr 12m Jun 18, 2020
2hr 12m
S1 Ep82: She Ate The Carpet
We’re back after a break, discussing some of what’s going on in the world. The importance of always speaking up, in the RIGHT way. Problematic family members don’t get a pass. Including Dottie. Crystal has once again expanded her squad. The Bay Area is slowly opening back up and never underestimate the value of good customer service. Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is o...
1hr 26m Jun 10, 2020
1hr 26m
S1 Ep81: Bitch, She's On TikTok
It’s been a long hot week and we’re still under quarantine. Sometimes “friends” can be weird. Please practice some online etiquette, Crystal is now offering legal advice and lending out her purse. Pata Fria’s houseguest is showing off and Carolyn is acting out. Weird news, cool things to watch and stand up for our black brothers and sisters or be exiled, it’s not a choice.  Enjoy xo.  *If you o...
2hr 20m May 28, 2020
2hr 20m
S1 Ep80: Is Lucy Missing Money?
Happy Birthday Malcolm X and Pata Fria. Dottie is on her way out, a new animal is on the scene and pelvic pain is the worst. Find out if Crystal is under investigation and don’t let missing fingers and toes be a deal breaker.  Thank you to our sponsor! Better Help To receive 10% off of your first month head to BetterHelp.com/HELLO, again that’s BetterHelp.com/HELLO for 10% off your first month.
1hr 50m May 20, 2020
1hr 50m
S1 Ep79: My Tits Were My Best Personality Trait
We're back again wishing Stevie Wonder and Dottie a happy birthday. Crystal's animal rescue foundation has re-homed all the kittens as she continues work as a full-time contractor. We share some tips on how not to train your dog, and get ready for bell bottoms because they're back. A little frustrating celebrity news and some tv recommendations. We hope you enjoy xo
1hr 28m May 14, 2020
1hr 28m
S1 Ep78: Your Butthole Is Not For Vengeance
We're back from a break because let's face it, sometimes life takes over. Cinco de Mayo is for drinking, we visit lots of weird news, and why were all grandparents so beautiful? Some parenting talk, new film and book recommendations and keep Crisco out of your god damn cookies. Enjoy. Thanks to our sponsor for this episode: BetterHelp Right now, just for our listeners you can go to BetterHelp.c...
1hr 52m May 06, 2020
1hr 52m
S1 Ep77: Hit It With Something Wet
Our brains are getting bored and we’re all dreamers. Home school is stressful. Health over capitalism. Must see show/film recommendations. Frankenstein is freezing and it’s a shitty time for a money scam. Crystal takes us down a dark path about cleanliness and if you don’t want to barter w your landlord don't ruin it for everyone else.  Enjoy.
1hr 35m Apr 22, 2020
1hr 35m
S1 Ep76: Mom’s New Sex Toy
Same old shit, different day.  Crystal and Pata Fria handled a joint dog catching assignment. Happy Birthday to Crystal’s mom Charlene. Pata Fria is doing a new form of charity work. Don’t expect Crystal to change her cleaning routine. Be careful how you speak to/in front of your kids. No show can really top The Office and Trump is ready to colonize other planets.  Check out our sponsor! Better...
1hr 26m Apr 16, 2020
1hr 26m
S1 Ep75: Sobriety Swim Test
Lonely days, disturbing dreams, some family dysfunction, sassy tones and lots of tv  xo Betterhelp.com/Hello
1hr 34m Apr 09, 2020
1hr 34m
S1 Ep74: I LOVE sex
Keeping in touch with you guys during the social distancing. This week we discuss lucid dreams, a new baby, ridiculous dads, investigating your partner, tiger king and the inability to get motivated lately may not be your fault... 
1hr 37m Apr 03, 2020
1hr 37m
S1 Ep73: Keep Cats Out Of Your Ludes
Week 2 of quarantine is upon us, some ideas for making use of your time at home, companies extending some free offers to the community, don’t let johns take advantage. Crystal is back to normal and discovered an interesting new way to show off your pets.  Enjoy xo
1hr 13m Mar 26, 2020
1hr 13m
S1 Ep72: Pistol Whipping
Corona Virus is bullying us all, book vs film. Don’t get scammed on the internet, penis injections are a thing and Pata Fria has added a new service to her menu. Stay calm and safe in the house... We’re all in this together. Betterhelp.com
1hr 31m Mar 18, 2020
1hr 31m
S1 Ep71: That Time I Had Anal Warts
This week Crystal is starting a water challenge while growing closer to her adopted raccoon. Pata Fria revisits the importance of credit and making money on social media. Porn Hub is in hot water, celebrity sex offenders receive some justice and the corona virus might be scarier than we thought.  Enjoy xo
1hr 56m Mar 12, 2020
1hr 56m
S1 Ep70: Just remove the walnut from your butth*le
Mercury is in retrograde and everyone is feeling it. Don’t worry about the Corona virus, strange news, ppl are cat fishing and women’s bodies really have it rough.  Enjoy xo. Betterhelp.com
1hr 33m Mar 04, 2020
1hr 33m
S1 Ep69: Sex Splits
Financial literacy is important as are cameras surrounding your house. Dog bites suck, 90s beauty products were great and Pata Fria made Crystal litter. Do a credit check on your future partners and don’t ask how much someone paid for their kids.  Enjoy xo
1hr 48m Feb 26, 2020
1hr 48m
S1 Ep68: Wiener Rescue
Ep.68.   V Day recap, it’s time to restructure The Bakers Act, we love dating shows and Robert Lee Noye is a hero.  Domestic violence is serious, don’t bomb the wrong house, you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. Enjoy xo Betterhelp.com/Hello to save 10%
1hr 37m Feb 19, 2020
1hr 37m
S1 Ep67: Stop Skipping All The Good Parts
Crystals cat is acting like Pata Fria, assume everyone has home surveillance, keep your pets out of your webcam scenes and always support those that support you. Valentine’s tees are a huge hit, no more butter before bed and radio dedications are signs of a good friend. https://www.instagram.com/hellodysfunction
1hr 34m Feb 13, 2020
1hr 34m
S1 Ep66: Drink The Power
  Crystal saves a cat through osmosis, Pata Fria ponders getting a shock collar for Dottie. Water your hot pockets and wash your ass. Some fun fan questions, a Dom story with a pro golfer and Crystal’ s early wrestling career.
1hr 39m Feb 05, 2020
1hr 39m
S1 Ep65: PERTENTIAL DANGERS
The weekend recap, family drama, McDonald’s soda secrets, pass on the Grammy’s, be on time aka early, practice code switching and let’s all be smart with our money.  Enjoy xo
1hr 28m Jan 30, 2020
1hr 28m
S1 Ep64: Give Me ALL The Sperm
IKEA sucks, Crystal hates January. Pata Fria searches for a dead body and dentures are really common. Read a book, watch the Aaron Hernandez doc and don’t wear nazi costumes. Enjoy xo   www.Instagram.com/Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction www.Twitter.com/dysfunctionShow
1hr 30m Jan 22, 2020
1hr 30m
S1 Ep63: Are You Leaking?
Crystal has another sinus infection and Pata Fria’s energy bill has skyrocketed. We need multiple streams of income so try everything, even singing about cats. Don’t shame people for working regular jobs, don’t be a house pirate. Donate your organs and check your pets for wetness.  Enjoy xo Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction
1hr 34m Jan 15, 2020
1hr 34m
S1 Ep62: Intimate Parts
The first episode of 2020 is here with more vagina talk, explore the possibilities of lube, teach your kids to properly prank each other, never trust a leather kilt, follow the rules of the internet, keep your brains hydrated, some interesting beauty procedures and ear maintenance Enjoy xo   Betterhelp.com
1hr 38m Jan 09, 2020
1hr 38m
S1 Ep61: What’s Your Dirty White Secret?
It’s the end of a decade and this week we have the amazing Lil Debbie joining us. Holiday recap, tips on successful gift giving, cats are thieves, New Years traditions from around the globe, don’t cheat during monopoly, baby jousting, and our favorite white trash delicacies.  Happy New Year!!
2hr 5m Dec 31, 2019
2hr 5m
S1 Ep60: Tammy’s Getting Spanked
Crazy Xmas shopping and delivery delays, Crystal celebrates 14yrs w Mark, internet matchmaking, did Pata Fria finally cure her rash, cancel culture, trust your intuition, delicate familial subjects, save your skin after you die, and did a sweat shop make your outfit?  Enjoy  Betterhelp.com/Hello
1hr 26m Dec 19, 2019
1hr 26m
S1 Ep59: F*CK FRED
Rainy days, kids know when you’re gay, celebrity tension, ‘tis the season for kindness, culture vultures, Crystal’s Animal Rescue is still in business, don’t share contact lenses and be nice to strangers that text you.  Enjoy xo
1hr 25m Dec 12, 2019
1hr 25m
S1 Ep58: DON’T SPIT START IT
Live show recap, Billy was a joy, Apple is glitching our phones, kids shouldn’t give haircuts, foreplay is mandatory, possible potato crisis, signing up for Better Help, listener questions, I probably won’t let an animal get raped.  Enjoy xo BetterHelp.com/Hello
1hr 36m Dec 04, 2019
1hr 36m
S1 Ep57: 15 Dogs Are Missing
Vacation observations, don’t take your dog’s pills, poop forensics, respect other laws and cultures while visiting abroad, T.I. is still gross, Bezos’ latest donation, and don’t use my good paper towels.  Enjoy xo Sponsored by Betterhelp.com use code: Hello for 10% off  Betterhelp.com/Hello
1hr 15m Nov 27, 2019
1hr 15m
S1 Ep56: “Two Live Crew”
Happy Anniversary.  This week’s episode was recorded live before a studio audience. Crystal revisits a childhood kidnapping. Would you paint your son’s nails? Don’t lock your customers inside the store. Shameful OCD subtypes. Men definitely fake orgasms.  
1hr 18m Nov 20, 2019
1hr 18m
S1 Ep55: Post More Pics of Your Ass
It’s National Kindness Day, is Rodney Reed a serial rapist? Dottie is leaking clear sh*t, there‘s actually a narcissism spectrum, don’t check anyone’s hymen and stop wasting paper towels. XO instagram/@hellodysfunction Facebook/hellodysfunction 
1hr 24m Nov 13, 2019
1hr 24m
S1 Ep54: I Better Not Be Burnt
This week the girls periods are syncing in studio 54 with a Halloween recap, no one wants to get drunk and go to bed alone, an absent speculum, always check your tires, strange news and the first round of attendees drawn! Enjoy xo instagram/@hellodysfunction Facebook/hellodysfunction 
1hr 33m Nov 06, 2019
1hr 33m
S1 Ep53: 11 Dicks
Don’t trust Crystal with your Mexican drug operation, the Bay Area has been going thru it, tell your callers when they’re on speakerphone, Kanye does gospel, the universe is being weird, Always removed a logo no one really cares about, don’t be racist for Halloween  Enjoy xo
1hr 6m Oct 30, 2019
1hr 6m
S1 Ep52: Don’t Call It A Pee Pee
Cringy words, Crystal has another damn cat, prepare your kids for sticky situations, yoni pearls, blood diapers, the joker, trauma makes you great and a few listener questions. Enjoy xo T-shirts & Sweatshirts Available at Hellodysfunction.com
1hr 27m Oct 23, 2019
1hr 27m
S1 Ep51: Your Mom Is Not A Drug Dealer
Kids are difficult, tell your car you love it, the Joker hits home, planned electricity suspension scare, Pata Fria was in a low speed chase with the cops and lots of listener questions Enjoy xo 
1hr 35m Oct 10, 2019
1hr 35m
S1 Ep50: There IS a limit to a mother’s love
The joys of getting old, Pata Fria is still a practicing doctor, true love of true crime, Amber Guyger is guilty, read more books and parenting woes.  Enjoy xo
1hr 33m Oct 03, 2019
1hr 33m