‘Daring child, find the might inside! I will be a shadow of you always. I will dance when you’re frozen still, if only to make you laugh like a lunatic in some place that you don’t think your sound is welcome. I will never stop reminding myself of you. I will stay close.’ Portia moves towards me.
‘Don’t you dare assume of me.’
‘It’s not an assumption my love. I already know everything. Haven’t you been paying ay attention to the sun? Don’t you stare her down every time she goes away? When you close your eyes, must you always force sleep? Or do you beg of yourself from the colors that dance behind your eyelids? Do you dance among the stars when you remain still? I do. I must. I am love with one of them.’
‘I thought you were in love with me, Demian? I thought this was supposed to be you on your knees begging again? What exactly are you asking for?’
‘Breathe sweet girl. This is all. This is everything.’
‘They’ve taken the air!’
‘I know. That is why you must create. What you deem worthy of your inhalation should be all you are taking in.’
I sit on a pillar, six feet above the bridge on 1st and P. I stare at the sun for the first and last three hours of her presence in my day. She lets me. I move on her devastating desire of my body. She dictates that I remain in a horrible place and dance for my love. She tells me to speak to her in riddles. She doesn’t want me trying to make sense of anything. She is very serious, but she knows its all a game. She’s already seen them destroy everything. She’s already seen it all begin again. She showed me. I was sitting in my courtyard, staring at a statue of P, Palms wide open. I saw the water disappear from the river. I saw the lips curl into themselves and try to eat to quench their thirst. I saw them seeing nothing. I saw them doing nothing to save the earth beneath their aching feet. I saw them work themselves to death and call it freedom. I saw them give birth in this dead place. I saw dead children seeing me. I saw them eat. They kept eating. They ate their own shoes. They ate their lovers. They ate their offspring. They ate the gunk that stuck to the bottom of their sink. They ate everything but the four walls that they hid behind and the tiny screen; they called for their soul. Nothing came. I saw the souls sucked out of their shriveled up bodies. I saw them sign away permission. I saw the words, which were meant to give life, manipulated against them by definition. I saw a language form around the desire to instill fear. I saw shame everywhere! I saw children ashamed of their own curiosity. I saw children shame their own voice into conformity. United they screamed under their breath so no one heard a thing. My concentration is not altered. But I hear her upstairs throwing dishes against the wall. I smile. I have been waiting so long for her to let go of what’s already created. These things, they are the prison. Let them go! Own nothing. Walk alone. The life you abandoned will come running back for you. It is not patient with a dead body walking. But it is forgiving. It is waiting for you to snap the fuck out of it baby! Just like me. Waiting is an obnoxious game. But in it is everything. It is one breath! Then, boom! Everything is gone and we start again. Maybe we will remember to breathe in this one. Here’s for hope! That precious girl is all I got. We can’t help but want our love. The bodies run away. We wait.
She wears herself out and comes running down to my attentive gaze. ‘Why are you paying such close attention to me! Wont you let me die in peace and quite? Wont you let my spirit dance by your side in the absence of my life?’
‘I’d love to, truly. But every time we get to talk, your body builds in agitation and runs away. Meanwhile your spirit is doing summersaults in the center of us. Free me! She’s screaming. Look my love dead in the eyes and tell her to wake the fuck up! What are you waiting for? No! Don’t let her walk away again! Do you know what she does with this body behind closed doors? Do you have any idea how much she longs for my return?’
‘Pardon me, Demian. Do you presume to see into my soul? Do you have a better idea of how I am in the privacy of my home than I can see in my own reflection? How do you see beyond walls? How do you see beyond time? What is it you are looking for when you look into my eyes?
‘I’m looking for the sun. I’m begging her to return. What we’re seeing now is a mirage; we haven’t had a sip of water since the day we were born. We’re fucking delusional! We move for an absurd concept of being alive. We time life and kill off our own kind just for a package of blood and guts to arrive five minutes earlier than was originally intended. I’m looking for the smallest bits of life that remain in the depths of your sight. You can only reach me when you have nothing left to see. So I force my life before your gaze every time that you are brave enough to open yourself to me. And I remind you. There’s more than a screen. There’s more than one to love. There are more enslaved bodies! There’s more water. It’s hiding in creation. This place is disgusting. There is nothing left. Crave only water. Create this desire. Drink. Find me on the other side of the river that I made for us when I was eight and you were ten pretending to be so much older. You wanted dominance. You wanted to control fate. I wanted to be at your mercy. I asked to starve with you. I had to create water. For your will power knew no boundaries, and my desire to save you knew no end.’