She looks at me, expecting. I answer, staring off into space, “I’m not hungry. I need you. I’m continually thirsty. There is no way to quench this shit that lives inside of me. I know who I am. I have retraced my steps and came face to face with that, which made me. It’s not a pretty thing. I’m a handsome boy, but that’s hiding a great deal of what slithers under the surface. My woman was made from clay by the devil herself, in agonizing boredom, defeated by a self induced decaying state of waiting for the next defecation. I hid in the man you knew. It was more beautiful this way. I knew from the beginning, you walk away from ugly things. I walked all night. All the boys look down. Look at me! One girl tries to turn me to stone with a single wish. I look away. She will never know my gaze again. Did you send your little man to do you dirty work for you? He reached. He tried to look. He shriveled into himself in the bitter cold and changed his mind. He wasn’t expecting to see a whip strapped to my hip and C sized stretches of fat swinging from my chest. Ha! What pitiful company the Queen has decided to be surrounded by these days. Its damn shame baby, just trust me. Shut your innocent eyes! Stop looking at monsters if you’re so keen on holding tight to fear. I’m not afraid of anything. Aren’t you jealous? Don’t you want me to teach you? I’d give you all my secrets if you let me. Deal of a lifetime. And still you sit, night after fucking night, begging a screen to satisfy your desire. It’s me. It’s only you that needs to admit it. Excuse me; this is the first bottle of wine I’ve played with since sometime in 2018. I’m just saying every damn thing that my skin is feeling. It’s best if you hit the mute button now. If I were you, I wouldn’t dare continue. I have no idea what I’m capable of. I may just convince you to come home. That would be disgusting! Invading your loving home. A wife and two dogs, a big screen TV, a cozy job working for the world you detest so much. But you’re comfortable, right? That’s all I care about. His arms, her arms, I don’t give a shit, just so long as you’re cuddling with something. Love is a bitch! Be careful with that thing. When you need some skin to fill the space between lovers, you know where to find me. Alluring, I know. But don’t trust the things I say. I’m a destructive woman behind a baby boy’s face and baggy clothes. I deceive. I get what I want. I play lots of games. I mix Moldavite with diamond and step in and out of dreams the way you that you think you step in and out of work. Who are you working for these days? Dare I speak? I’ve been avoiding your voice. Dare you seek out my face? Wouldn’t my eyes melt your golden skin on the spot in this state, the way that you’ve let your body decay?”
Behind a bar leans the woman I love. She talks endless nonsense to another. Then another, these fucks are never ending really. She assumes I am speaking of her. But she is only my muse, she is only the begging; it hasn’t even started yet. This woman is not who she thinks she is. She has taken a different form. She grabs my hand and drags me to the dance floor downstairs in most of my dreams. But in this one, I’m just another fuck on the other side of her wall.
“Hey. Boy! What do you want? I don’t have time to chat you up all night and get to know your puppy’s name. Do you want a fucking drink or not.” Sold. She has my love. I am stupid. I can’t speak. Look at me!
“I don’t have anything to say but, please! For the sake of every star left in the sky above the city that you adore, give me your voice; give me everything. I am the only one. The rest where chosen to guide you to me. Be bold! Stop expecting love to gravel at your feet. Stop demanding that every body break their individual sight to speak the way that you do. You’ve got a defeated army following you. You can do better than that. You are from the land that quenches dying thirst with white sand. I am the black stallion that finds your naked flesh basking under the weight of an endlessly evil sun. She’s out for revenge! And you’re body alone remembers. When you finally have the strength to pull the hair of my mane to the curve in the center of my spine, I will ride you to the army you were meant to lead. These kids are not graveling at your feet to defeat boredom. These boys and girls have weapons of spiritual intuition and lucid dreams, and they are waiting to fall in behind your gaze, because you are Queen. They need no other reason to love your commands. You needn’t control anything. You were born to rule the only world that has ever existed. The one that belongs to you, and you alone control its fate.”