Making Sense of Intuition is Certainty: Suicide

Dec 30, 2020, 06:17 AM
I’m sitting in front of an electrical fireplace. The fire doesn’t belong to either of us. I’ve had three glasses of wine, but I’m not drunk, only slightly vulnerable. You sit on the couch behind me. “If I didn’t say, I’d still have felt it. Where’s the sense in that?” You set down your glass and breathe for the first time in what feels like years. “Making sense of anything is a tricky logic to get sucked into, Sage. Don’t you want to change your name? Surely you can’t stand to be called her naming of you forever.” I look back; my head is almost in your lap. “I like Sage. It’s fitting. It hardly matters where it came from. Don’t you think?” I don’t let her explain. “What’s the sense in explaining how we feel? Don’t you think it’s silly how we watch each other everyday and say nothing? I love you. I love the way you feel the subtle energy of the humans around you. I see you. But I’m hateful in the same way that you are sincerely sacrificial. You want peace for the multitudes. I want your happiness. I want to rest in it. I couldn’t give a fuck who lives through it and who dies. I want your thighs around my waist. We are opposites in every way. You aren’t even in the woman I am thinking of. I see you eyes drip down my skin. You rest your gaze on my hipbones by accident. I want to ask you for help. I want to comprehend why my intuition understands your desire. But the truth is simple: I don’t want to know.” You set down your glass and run your fingers through my hair. I lean further. I am lying in your promise of holding me close. I am trusting in your diction: your desire to care. “I’m so scared!” I rip my childlike nature from sight and stand up, firm and abrasive, stealing the moment, taking. “I’m taking what is mine. I’ve come for love! I’m not leaving this stupid planet empty handed. You think I’ve gone crazy? You think I need subduing? You think that I don’t know exactly what I am doing? My love, you lost your fucking mind. Think again. I know everything. I refuse to participate in the understanding of things to be known. I don’t know what you’re thinking. But I know you have come to this party in hopes of my head landing in your lap by accident. Can you imagine? If I drank so much that I had to rely on your body to guide my skin home?” She stands. It’s getting unbearably hot in this spot that we’ve chosen to pronounce our love. “First of all, you’re a drama queen. Secondly, I am in love with you. And last of all, you are coming home with me tonight. If you think that I rely on accidents to manifest the love I am deserving of into my life, than you are sorely mistaken. I know what you are! And I intend on protecting you. Are you jealous? Have you finally seen the fear? When you walked away without a second thought, were you thinking with your own heart? Am I confusing lovers? Am I drunk? Would you stand by me if I forgot how much I adored you? Would you raise a child that wasn’t conceived by my love for you? Would you let me drag you along for a lifetime? If I forgot everything, would I still remember you? Sage! Please listen! Am I brave or scared shitless?” I take a step toward her and wrap my hands around her waist. “Turn around.” She doesn’t obey. “Trust me. You don’t have to see my embrace to know. I am always willing. This is my gift. Yours is sincerity. Mine is presence. Wouldn’t we make one hell of a team?” She turns towards the flame. “You aren’t confused. My love, what you are feeling, I am for you. Take me! I’m waiting. I am brave, like you. But I am not chasing. I am craving your certainty. When you are certain, let me know.” She feels my fingers locking around her ribcage. “I want you to fuck me. More specifically, I want you and it’s unexplainable. I cannot wrap my words around your skin. Do you see? This is the troubling part. I cannot describe it. I want you alone. I want you in my room. I want you in my bed. If you stain my sheets, I will understand. But until then I only have words. And no matter how many hours I let them run around my brain, I cannot make sense of you. Who are you to me? If I tell you that I want to fuck you, will you take me for a fool for not understanding? I don’t know how you taste until my tongue is running down your leg. How the fuck could you possibly expect me to understand!” I let my hands search. After much observation, I reach her neck. “Don’t be silly, stranger. You’ve known me for eternities. Regain certainty in your universal authority. I belong to you. There is nothing for either of us to understand. When you reach, I will lean. When I let my neck fall back completely because I am drunk out of my mind in trying to understand my love for you, your warm thighs will be expecting. Your eyes will roll back. And certainty will never be sought after again.”