A Drunken Haze before the Grand Finale

Jan 03, 03:36 AM
It isn’t terribly painful to love unrequited; I know pain, and that’s hardly it. All this bliss that we create, it must come from within. What better way to find love? Don’t you think? Don’t you find it strange that we live day after day in a cage of our own creation? We’re afraid to fall asleep without locking the door. Is our family outside? You’re supposed to be my brother, father. You’re supposed to be my sister. What makes you hate me so? Where’s mommy? I don’t remember. I reach for a memory. I find myself, stuck in a dream. I wake up next to her body. I’m screaming, “where’s mommy!” Please, I don’t understand any of this stupid shit! Why am I still in this fucking city? Why am I holding this man? Where’s Sage? I don’t understand! I don’t remember. Can you remind me? Who named him? Was it my self? What did I want, when I found the time to lie still? Screaming on my bedroom floor, I came to know my own boy. He was desperately sad. He’d lost something precious in the woods at night. But he’d forgotten. How he loved it so. But like all memories, it went away and turned into an imagined dream of what the future was holding in real time.” Her mum is in the corner of my room casting spells. She’s exhausted; she couldn’t have ever known that my power was beyond her foresight. She tried to surround me in spiteful paintings of blood soaked children on the streets and half cooked meat. But I stood still in the middle of the bridge on 1st and starred into the sun. I was nothing but love. I could only see light. I moved in the darkness toward her Persian moonlit skin and whispered something she wouldn’t understand until all of the hate died by her own hands. “You think that you are brave because you can suck in your cheeks and look the darkest parts of this dream in the eyes without screaming. But you’re scarred shitless, and there is nothing that you can do or say to convince me otherwise. Here I sit, day after day after fucking beautiful day. Watching the sun, rise, sit, burn, beg, breathe; fall. I don’t wait. I am time. But I am still. And in this stillness, I feel you ache for the same. You’ve known peace. I know, because you laid your hands on my skin. Asleep or awake, you’re stuck in the same dream. You cannot leave my side. You’re too scared to let go of my hand. You cannot say that you hate me as much as you love me, so you never say anything ever again. With your lips pinched and your head spinning in a drunken haze, you reach for a screen. You’re a scaredy-cat, anyone can do that; where is your shadow? Dare you dance in her name? Dare you move on desire again? Dare you disobey? I know you’re not my mum because I don’t know this name in anyone. But I will say, the daughter that looks up to you with beating baby blue eyes, soaked in an ocean of tears, that you took it upon yourself to well up inside of her tender heart, the fear that you planted in her childish nature; to that girl I give my strength and love, for you never deserved her desire to win your affection. You never truly cared about your babe mum, and that’s damn shame! The ways you could’ve been loved.”