03_telling_people
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[00:00:00] Hello siblings. Welcome to the Sensory Siblings Podcast. I'm your host, Louisa Shaeri, and this is beaming to you from the solar system, the liberatory framework, and unmasking unschool for creatively identified autistic folks who are seeking another way to see no and be yourself. This is a radical re-imagining of what's.

[00:00:26] Possible when we redefine ourselves from within, by unlearning who we are, not making self connection. Our goal, activating the languages of our sensory oriented perception and creating the culture shifts to activate futures and cells, it all starts within.

[00:00:48] Hey siblings. So in the last episode, I defined unmasking as remaining unseen. Whether or not you are being yourself and how the goal of unmasking is not to be seen by others or within dominant culture, but to create the structures in your own thinking and in your own life and relationships that enables.

[00:01:09] Sustained self connection and there is an episode all about what self connection means, and I'll dive deeper into that then. But self connection just briefly really means that you are connected to the moment, to the experiences that you are actually having. You're focused on what you're doing, and in that doing, you aren't disconnecting from yourself.

[00:01:30] You are still connected to your internal source of energy. And as I said, I'll do a podcast episode about it, but if you do have any questions, let me know and I'll try and answer them in that episode. In this episode, I want to pick up on this idea of what the goal of unmasking might be as creating the structures in our own thinking and our own lives and relationships that enable sustained self connection and how, okay, the goal is not necessarily to be seen.

[00:02:02] But that doesn't mean that you just stay hiding, right? It doesn't mean you just stick with the status quo. That doesn't mean that you don't try and create more room for yourself in your relationships and in your life. It doesn't mean that you won't be seen. There are people who will and can see you.

[00:02:19] There are people who will embrace all of what you share with them and all of who you are, and they will meet you in the middle and start being aware of what you might be experiencing differently and what they can do so that you aren't the one doing all the work. And the problem is, is that if you are hiding and self negating, you don't ever get to find out.

[00:02:39] You don't get to have that experience as a possibility. So the shift in thinking around unmasking is not to just remain unseen, but to shift your own goal to being determined by what enables self connection and having that be the reason. And that then opens up the very specific nuanced reasons why you might share yourself more openly and vulnerably with other people.

[00:03:05] And that's what this episode is all about, telling people and by telling people, I mean, coming out this closing, stating access needs, sharing how you identify, making it known that you actually experienced things in a different way to what might have been. Presumed, and I want to share some thoughts for anyone who is wondering how to tell someone how to start to share this new set of self revelations or how to ask for what you need or how to just invite someone into what your life is like or what your experiences are when you don't know what the response will be.

[00:03:45] So this is an unknown outcome, right? We don't know how people will respond. And some of you may have had other forms of coming out. You may have come out as gay or trans or maybe you've had a previous process, um, or experience of sharing vulnerably, something about being a survivor of abuse or having another kind of disability or any kind of difference that is not obvious or which is deviating from the fiction of normal or which involves some kind of vulnerability or risk of judgment.

[00:04:19] And so that might be your reference point. And for others, this might be the first time that you've ever had to negotiate disclosing a marginal identity or experience in a way that feels risky. So either way, it's an unknown what the result will be. How will the other person respond? What will their reaction be?

[00:04:38] And what will the consequences be? And I want to share some thinking to help you reflect on how you might prepare to tell someone. And also to let you know that I'm doing a three day workshop next week, going deeper into this topic and walking you through a reflective process as a workshop. And so if you're interested in that, join the Discord and all the info is in there for how to attend.

[00:05:04] And this workshop is called. The interdependence protocol, which makes me laugh because protocol is such a corporate word. That's not really in my usual vocabulary, but I like it for this. So we're going with it. And a protocol really just means a process, and in this instance, a process that can be applied to any and all situations where you might want to disclose difference or disability related to neurodivergence or cognitive difference, and how to think about how you might do it because.

[00:05:39] Access scripts aren't specific enough to the relationship that you might wanna do this in or to you. So off the shelf solutions don't really work. So this is about a way to think about the how that you can run over and over again. So a process that you can run each time that you might want to disclose.

[00:06:01] And you can also do this in hindsight. So if you've had the experience that something didn't go well, or even if it did. What were the ingredients that made that a good or bad experience of telling someone? And that will help you then think about how you might do it next time. And before I get into it, I just wanna mention that years ago, neurodiversity wasn't really a concept that had taken hold in the wider public imagination.

[00:06:28] And I was looking for resources and ways to think about this. And one of the books that seemed to be every, everywhere at the time was a book called Pretending to Be Normal. This isn't an endorsement of this book, and it's not really a critique. Apart from that, the example it gave me just felt so far away from what I felt was possible.

[00:06:48] In the book is by Leanne Holiday Wiley, and in the book, the author speaks about giving them the cells, the freedom of just no longer pretending to be normal, and essentially not caring what anyone thought anymore, and just being out and out, fully expressed, unabashed and loud and proud in their differences.

[00:07:07] I, well, um, that's all good and I'm all, all in on not caring what other people think. I'm big on caring what, what others feel and how I feel in, in a relationship, and also on allowing for how there are impacts to being overtly self-expressed in all circumstances that aren't equal for everyone. There are people who are in circumstances or social situations where.

[00:07:33] An unabashed self display of outness and disregard for what other people think is not afforded physical or economic safety. But also I want to highlight that this, um, doesn't necessarily equate to self connection. It doesn't necessarily equate to an idea that Mia Mingus has written about online, which is access intimacy.

[00:07:56] This feeling of having your needs met or of having different needs be something that is just. An open and embraced and normalized thing in your relationship of not feeling at risk because you have to ask for something or are dependent on someone or something else, or in a different set of tools or methods for doing something.

[00:08:14] So being out and openly expressed doesn't speak to how they're becoming of self actually happens in relationship. Can you feel the difference? So you can feel how there is unmasking in this kind of old school sense of I can act and do and say, and be what I want, versus unmasking or disclosing as an increase in the connection that you have with another person as a form of intimacy, as a relational experience that is afforded by an increase in how much you are able to stand self connection.

[00:08:46] And therefore how much connection you are able to have with another person. And self connection is key here. Where it maybe be isn't always for other kinds of difference because it's a measure of how much you get to be in your own body mind and not force it into contortions and over adaptations. Those are what create disconnects, and so self connection is a measure of whether you are having your relational needs met and if you are being yourself, and it doesn't result in an increase in your self connection and connection with others.

[00:09:20] Then what is the point really? So if it's not about those things, then is there another motivation that doesn't actually serve you? Like wanting to feel special, needing to feel different, needing to use this as a way to feel significant or special. And I can say this to you because it has at times been that for me in the past, a way to differentiate from the crowd to get attention or to be seen as unique.

[00:09:47] Sometimes that is the motivation. And so even if there's a little bit of that in there for you, then you know that, okay, my sense of self-worth, um, my sense of self connection might be lacking, and I'm trying to meet that need by being important or different in someone else's eyes. Okay, so telling people is an intimate and vulnerable thing to do.

[00:10:10] It contains risk because of what is at stake, which is a positive, mutually beneficial relationship with another human being, and an increase in self connection and connection with them, which is also an increase in interdependence, which is how it all enabled and extended and made possible through each other and the planet.

[00:10:33] And I'll speak briefly now about the interdependence protocol. Interdependence is a word that is really in recognition of how independence is really an ableist myth that temporarily abled people use to feel acceptable or normal or important. I've noticed this term temporarily abled being used now, and I love it.

[00:10:56] It speaks to how we are all precariously enabled through the tools and relational structures around us. And to how dependence really just means having needs that are under-resourced or unusual or stigmatized. Dependence is often seen as deficiency and as an individual, lack or incompleteness, whereas independence is, is seen as desirable and worthy and good when really both are just a question of whose needs are being met by the collective or not, and how are those needs being judged.

[00:11:31] Alright, so interdependence protocol. This is all about how to disclose difference or disability in ways that lead to an increase in both self connection and connection with others that create interdependence through affording you the structures and ways of doing, and ways of being with others that, uh, allow for self connection, but that also create more visibility, more agency, and more energy.

[00:11:59] And everyone benefits from interdependence. So how I want to invite you to think about this question of telling people is to think of a specific example. So what is a specific example that you can have in mind as you're listening a person that you want to tell, uh, that would make a difference in your life, and you're wondering how to go about it.

[00:12:20] So this is what I want to offer, the degree to which you feel safe and able to tell someone. It's the degree of preparedness you have in yourself to deal with the potential responses or the potential consequences. Okay, so this puts it in your control. It's how ready, how prepared are you to deal with the potential responses or consequences, which you won't know what they are until after you've done it.

[00:12:49] So you have to work with the potentials and this preparedness. Is that a word? This ability to be prepared is all in your power. Okay? So if you aren't prepared enough yet in the categories that I'm about to share, then you still have work to do and that's good. That's okay. Alright, so here are the four categories to assess, to find out, okay, where is the risk for me in this particular scenario?

[00:13:15] So one is material risk. This is a risk to a job, or another kind of material safety. So are you prepared and in a position to take that risk? And the answer might be no, and the answer might be never. And legally, there shouldn't be any risk if it's a job, but it doesn't always pan out in ways that are easy to legally protect and pinpoint as prejudice.

[00:13:39] It might be that you work with one other person, and so a lot of your comfort at work hinges on their personal thoughts about you and how they react that maybe go beyond legal protections for workplace disclosure, and it's just more about. How you then feel at work. Another one is relationship risk. So just to be clear, no amount of preparation can sidestep the fact that there is always risk and vulnerability involved in building trust in a relationship.

[00:14:08] So we can't just prepare this away completely. We can only reflect on the degree and what is at stake. And then the next one is self relationship. Are you solid in your self-esteem and self relationship in a way that no matter what another person's response is, it's not gonna rock your sense of self-worth or self-acceptance.

[00:14:31] So if your sense of self is tied to what other people think about you, then you know you have work to do here. And then finally, what's the growth required of you? How much will having this conversation put you into an unknown, how much is it asking you to step up to a new level of assertiveness or vulnerability or willingness to be seen or maturity to deal with what happens?

[00:14:53] Where do you feel uncomfortable about doing this? What feels like, okay, I'm holding my own hands through this process and I know it's gonna feel hard simply because it's new and I dunno what will happen or how to do it, or what they will say or do, but I'm still on my own side. And in the workshop, which I'm gonna lead, uh, that takes place over three days, just 45 minutes a day, and it's happening next week.

[00:15:16] I'll get into that. How, what are the variables that I might want to think about in terms of where this conversation takes place? How I phrase it, what mode of communication? How heavy or lighthearted this should be, and also the what? What to disclose, what to say, how to know what you even need in order to increase self connection, how to identify what your access needs even are, or how to phrase sharing differences.

[00:15:46] What access needs do you have when you've never had anyone ask you? Or invite you to even consider it. And then what's the desired result? What would be the best outcome? What is their part in facilitating that result? What is the timeline that you're willing to be on while they respond and adjust? And what would you do in each potential outcome?

[00:16:09] And I'll just finish up by saying that this is all a lot easier now than it was 10 years ago or longer. And so whenever you encounter a difficult or negative response, know that they're just behind on a social timeline and maybe they'll catch up. Meanwhile, you've just stood up for what you need and who you are and given them an opportunity to grow their awareness, and it gets easier and easier, and you don't have to tell anyone, or everyone, and it doesn't have to be at the level that you see me doing it.

[00:16:42] To be honest. For me, it's only because that makes sense. To speak to you and to have these conversations. There is no right or wrong way. There is only the question of whether this affords you more agency, more visibility, more energy, more self connection in your relationships while at work or wherever else.

[00:17:02] Okay? So join the siblings Discord for all the information about the workshop, and if you're listening to this after. The date after the workshops have ended, you can still purchase it and access all the replays and the resources. All the info is in the discord, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week's Sensory Siblings podcast.

[00:17:27] Head over to Solar systems.xyz where you can join the Plus siblings Discord. Server and discuss the topics explored with other listeners, and if you are ready to go deeper into activating your future self, I want to invite you to join my six month unmasking unschool called the Solar System Plus siblings.

[00:17:48] You're going to unlearn the habits of self negating then. Self-esteem, self clarity, and the self-belief to model the social esteem that will create culture shifts first in yourself, and then rippling out into everything you do and beyond. Head over to Solar Systems xyz slash. Siblings where you can join the solar system, plus siblings and I will see you inside.