14.i_am_self_concept
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[00:00:00] Hello siblings. Welcome to the Sensory Siblings Podcast. I'm your host, Louisa Shaeri, and this is beaming to you from the solar system, the liberatory framework, and unmasking unschool for creatively identified autistic folks who are seeking another way to see no and be yourself. This is a radical re-imagining of what's.

[00:00:26] Possible when we redefine ourselves from within, by unlearning who we are, not making self connection. Our goal, activating the languages of our sensory oriented perception and creating the culture shifts to activate futures and cells, it all starts within,

[00:00:48] Hey siblings. Alright. Today I wanna get into more of this concept of. Who are you being? So the being of being yourself, one of the questions that I had for decades was how to be myself, right? And who even was that self? And this question was partly answered when I met this group of autistic kids, well, young teenagers who came to a workshop I was delivering, and they were being.

[00:01:23] Supported by their teachers to be all of who they were. They were being themselves in their fullest expression, and I saw myself in them, and that then kickstarted this whole self-inquiry and et cetera, et cetera. But. There is something that you know, that can happen after realizing, oh, this, this thing called autism, this being autistic, maybe that applies to me.

[00:01:56] There is something that can happen after that realization, which can be that not much changes, right? That nothing changes or not enough changes. We were like, oh, I had this big revelation. And I'm trying to tell people and I'm trying to figure out now how to live my life being myself, and yet nothing.

[00:02:24] Everything seems kind of the same or not enough has changed. I dunno how to change. I dunno how to be myself and I want to offer that. The reason that is, is because who you are then being. Is still the same person who spent decades without this key bit of insight, right? Without this key bit of context on all of your experiences, because who you are being is the result of how you habitually respond to your life, right?

[00:03:00] So we have specific emotional responses, thoughts. And things that we do in response to our life, and then those become patterns. They become automated because that's just the most energy efficient way of living. The brain tries to expend the least amount of energy by keeping things the same, familiar, predictable, running the same neural pathways, making the same conclusions unless there's something dramatically.

[00:03:35] Different that doesn't fit our schema and model of reality, of self, of life, of what we can expect and so on. So even when it's harmful or not your real self, or not in your best interest, or not reflective of your actual truth, you'll still have these habits, right? So even if you get this new bit of information.

[00:04:02] And maybe you go through that reframing of your memories and processing the emotion that comes with that, and you have more permission, right? You've got an understanding like, oh, okay, this is just who I am. It's not, I'm not wrong, et cetera. Those habits, those habitual ways of responding, those habitual ways of thinking and interpreting your experiences.

[00:04:30] Are still going to be there because they're automated. They are just running in the background. And habit change is really hard. First of all, you have to be able to see that it's a habit, right? So changing a habit is 90% awareness. It's just lots and lots of non-judgmental observation. Until you can start to interrupt it.

[00:04:54] So, ah, this is how I'm showing up. This is how I'm thinking. These are the conclusions I keep making. This is my habitual response. This is how I'm being, and starting to just become aware of it and doing it from a place of non non-judgment, which in itself can be hard, right? I'm trying to change, but I'm also trying to not judge the fact that I'm not changing and that this is who I'm being.

[00:05:23] But 90% of it is awareness. So we just want to increase, increase awareness, and that means that eventually you can consciously step in and use your prefrontal cortex to interrupt that pattern and direct yourself into new thoughts, new interpretations, new responses, new actions. And of course, because it's not, it's going against a habit at first, that's gonna feel odd.

[00:05:52] It's gonna be strange, it's gonna feel risky. It might have to be something you have to keep doing. No, I wanna do this instead. And it's going to feel not part of the plan for the oldest part of your brain. And the way that that part of your brain likes to ensure that you survive. So you have to expend a lot of energy initially for keep, for that interruption to keep interrupting the habit and create and carve out new ones.

[00:06:24] And then to experience also what happens next. Because what happens next is going to be new because you are doing something new and therefore you're gonna get a different result. So changing who you are, being into one that more accurately reflects who you are, deep down, who you feel deep down in yourself to be your potential, right?

[00:06:50] Your truth, your nature, your authentic self or your best self, however you wanna say it. So that's what's involved, right? But habit change is really hard. So I want to offer. Up a shortcut. Okay? And there's no real shortcuts in self-growth. This isn't easier, but it is simpler, and it's a way to think about it that I have found helpful, and it's also more fun in the end.

[00:07:20] And that shortcut is a sentence, and it's, in fact, it's not a whole sentence, it's just the start of a sentence. And whatever you finish it with is the change that you create. Okay, so is that habit change? The sentence is, I am, I am. However you finish that sentence is who you are being. Okay. So however you identify and think about and conceptualize yourself will be who you are being.

[00:07:55] So if you want to shortcut the habit, change of becoming. A more accurate and truer version of yourself and start being more of who you are. You can use this sentence to intentionally shape that transformation. So I'm gonna explain this a bit more. So imagine your brain is like a receiver of instructions, okay?

[00:08:20] It doesn't distinguish, it doesn't discern, it just receives and then tunes your perception to that instruction. So if you have the thought. I am bad at life. This used to be one of mine, or I'm a hot mess or something like that. Any of your I am sentences, which you have just taken in as something that you identify with.

[00:08:49] Even if it's not a conscious, you know, something that you would consciously describe yourself as if you have that thought, your brain is using that. As a lens through which not only to see yourself and interpret your life and your experiences, but also as an instruction for how you get to respond to your life and it, and crucially how you experience other people seeing you and what you assume they see of you and think of you.

[00:09:26] So. The I Am sentences and they might not be, you know, words. They might be sensations, they might be ideas, concepts, associations, that sense of self, that self concept that is the lens through which you are then interpreting everything. Okay? Your brain will use this lens as a way to filter your perceptions and shape.

[00:09:56] Who you think you are and then it will present to you all the supporting evidence for it, for why you're bad at life or why you're hot mess or whatever the I am is. And then because you've identified that with that, you will then filter out any other options for how to see yourself. Any other ideas or ways of responding?

[00:10:22] That don't correspond to that instruction. That is your I am self-concept. So if you want to change the habitual self that you are being, you can use this to your advantage, right? You can start with becoming aware of all of the I AM sentences or ideas or associations that make up your self concept. And then start to rewrite the story of who you are.

[00:10:54] The end of that I am sentence into sentences and a self-concept that does allow you to more of who you really are. Okay, so how to do it, and I want, and I can hear what you're wondering, but I am this, this is who I am. I am a hot mess, or I am bad at life, or I'm bad at relationships, or I'm socially awkward, et cetera, et cetera, right?

[00:11:20] Whatever your I am is, whatever ideas you have about yourself, they're going to feel real. And this is where it gets sticky when we think a thought. Over and over again. It starts to generate specific feelings in us, right? It starts to create a specific way of responding, uh, an emotional reaction to what's happening.

[00:11:48] And again, that becomes habitual. And so you're essentially practicing a set of thoughts and feelings over and over again, and that then filters your perceptions. In a way that means that they, that you see, you perceive only that which conforms to it. You disregard evidence to the contrary. And then the fact that you're feeling this over and over again, that it's habitual starts to deepen the sensation.

[00:12:16] That this is just reality. This is just truth. This is just, I am this, and really it's just one optional model. Of reality of self, out of a million, trillion. Other options for what story you could tell yourself about who you are. Consider that no amount of thought you could think your whole life and all of those thoughts could never match up to your whole entire being.

[00:12:46] Everything that you consist of. All of your potential, all of your whole full entirety of selfness, right? You can't actually think self, you can only think about self. And so those thoughts will always only ever be a version of, they will always leave stuff out. They will filter out, and then when those thoughts, that filter is then producing an emotional reaction, you are having an emotion.

[00:13:23] That emotion is real. And experiencing those emotions is real, isn't dependent on whether that filter that story is accurate or not. It's just depends on whether it's one that you're believing and identifying with, and then acting from and responding through. Okay. Like if you imagine, if you imagine it right now, imagine there's a lemon in your hand.

[00:13:53] And then you grab a knife and you cut open the lemon, and then you're squeezing the juice out into a cup. Really picture it. Perhaps at some point your mouth starts to salivate, okay? You start to get that lemon. I'm about to eat lemon, I'm about to taste lemon, so your body responds to what your brain is showing it, even though that lemon is made up and imagined.

[00:14:19] Okay. It's the same with films or books or anime or whatever. Any, any story that we're invested in a character. We feel it, right? We experience real emotions even though it's imaginary. So that's also going on in a story that you have about who you are, about what the world is about, what life is like for you.

[00:14:42] About what it will always be like about what you get to experience or get to have about what you're capable or not of, or not, because whatever it is, your brain will also then take that as an instruction and want to plan and predict for that to always be the case, to keep things familiar, to keep you in homeostasis.

[00:15:07] To try and keep you alive so that you don't go wandering off outside of the cave and then get eaten by lions so that you stay within the lines of what is known, what feels safe, what you think you know. Okay, so to change your story and rewrite it, you first have to see that the story that you are telling yourself that I am about who you are.

[00:15:35] Is just that. It's just a story. It's a hallucination that feels emotionally real. It's a collection of thoughts and feelings that you've been investing energy in to the extent that you've then been acting on that, and that has been the meaning with which you've been operating on. And then the world is also responding to your actions that are coming from that place in ways that.

[00:16:04] Reflect that back, and then you are only perceiving the sides of what's happening to you that do reflect it. And so it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy. You've been being this person, and so your life is gonna reflect that that is who you are. So you have to start with the I Am and seeing it for what it is.

[00:16:25] Seeing that it's just the story observing that. Wow. I've been fully identified with and invested in this idea, this concept of who I am and letting that run the show, letting that be the reasons why I don't get to X, Y, Z, or I don't get to, you know, get this goal, or why I'm unlucky, or why whatever things come up for you.

[00:16:55] Right. One of my coaches showed me this by saying. My name, our names, right? We respond to our names as if it's just who we are. And we've been conditioned to respond to our name as if it's just facts, right? And then, you know, some of us come to a point where that doesn't reflect who we are and we question it, and that becomes that opportunity to change and rewrite that story.

[00:17:25] The same will be true if you've been navigating the social context and upbringing, which parts of your experiences are not acknowledged, or you're misinterpreted or misread, and the mirroring of who you are, the I am that is presented to you is gonna be a specific story, right? It's gonna be a collection of the predominant ideas that have been mirrored to you about who you are supposed to.

[00:17:53] Think yourself to be or what other people think you are. And so over time, that becomes the story of who you are, that you then internalize, that you adopt, that you invest in. Even that doesn't feel good. Even if it doesn't feel good to think of yourself in that way, or isn't reflective of who you feel yourself to be, it's gonna be very hard to shake all of those.

[00:18:20] Ideas coming from outside of you. All of that feedback, that condition story of who you are, um, if it's, you know, if it's being fed to you over and over again. And then if you start to believe it and start to see yourself like that and start to see all of your experiences in that way, you then just build on top of it becomes more and more, it feels more and more real.

[00:18:45] This is why having a group of people. Who share some of your experiences that haven't been acknowledged and don't require you to be a certain thing, aren't projecting onto you, don't require you to like them or be liked for you to be liked in order to be there where there isn't that projection. That's, that's why it's so valuable.

[00:19:11] You get to experience different feedback and have your body be believed. So anyway, becoming aware of the I Am story that you identify with, that feel true, that feel like facts, seeing it for what it is as a story that you don't have to fully identify with. Creating a little bit of gap between that I am Story and the inner you that is able to observe it as a story.

[00:19:42] That is where you start experiencing that. The self-concept that your brain. Conjures up when you think about self is just a, uh, an idea. It's just a story. It's just a concept that is 90% of the work of changing that story. And what this means is that you, you have to allow for and be open to the possibility that you have no idea who you are and who you could be.

[00:20:16] That maybe there's whole sides of you that you've never allowed yourself to experience, and that when you're making decisions based on your past, all you are doing is just closing off the possibilities of that potential. So there's your past story of self. There's the self that you've been being. The self that you could become, you haven't met yet fully.

[00:20:52] Now, when you consider that your future then is truly an unknown as this wide open space of dark matter potential, right of possibility that you haven't investigated because so far you've just been being the I am story of your past self. When you realize this, you get to step into that space of finding out.

[00:21:21] So what happens when I make new decisions that feel totally alien, that deviate from this self that I've been being? What happens when I make a decision that goes against the grain of who I've been being of who other people think I am? What happens when I just do a little bit of that just to show myself that something other than what I've been telling myself is available.

[00:21:50] So being open to that, not knowing means embracing that discomfort of growing into new possibility of not staying within the lines of what, what is familiar. And uncomfortable for your brain. It means the discomfort of growth instead of the discomfort of stagnance and the sameness of, you know, having the future replicate your past.

[00:22:22] So this means gaining new experiences means gaining new information to then build new context with for who you are becoming. Self is just who you are being right now and awakening the potential of your whole self, your future self means starting in the right now, but then intentionally making choices that are, yeah, questioning and going against the grain of habit, but towards the goals that you have.

[00:23:00] Now there's a complication here, so we need to go on a side tangent, which is that if you script, if you mask, if you had this kind of idealized image or persona version of you, then that will also be a collection of the I Ams, the stories that are not about who you are, but about who you are supposed to be.

[00:23:30] Right who you've been told you should be the version of self that you've come to believe that you need to be in order to please or meet a standard or be acceptable or fit in, right? So not only is there this inside self that is perhaps believing an I am story of inadequacy, but then you might have this.

[00:23:56] Inverse of that story of who you believe you are supposed to match up to this idealized self who is good enough. This idealized version will show up in your fantasy interactions, in the scripting in your head, in your imagining of this future version of you that is fulfilling the brief, that real you has struggled to fulfill.

[00:24:21] A brief that you were never meant to fulfill expectations that carried specific agendas, that just weren't a match for how you best be all of who you are. And yet, the collected impact of this is this underlying self-concept of being not good enough, not being capable, or not being able to make what you want happen, and being inadequate, being not enough, being bad.

[00:24:51] And then compensating with this false ego self that is in direct relationship to the idea that the real you is not good enough, right? That real self underneath the full self can be really hard to look at. It's can be, and it was for me, really. Icky difficult, shadowy work stuff of walking through the mud of shame and the ego trips of I'm not good enough and the only way is through, but it's not permanent.

[00:25:34] Right. This is a, this is a temporary journey and you have to bring that I am story. To light when you see it, then it's only then that you can see it as the story that that it is. So see it for the story that it is and not the truth of who you are. So you might have an I'M story that you haven't wanted to look at.

[00:26:00] You might have one that doesn't feel good and the reason it doesn't feel good is 'cause it's not actually true, but it feels true. You have the emotions of it being true. And those emotions will be negative. And so you might be avoiding those negative emotions. Avoiding looking at your, I am at your self-concept and really facing it and allowing all of the emotions that come up while also recognizing now that you've looked at it, that it's just a story.

[00:26:36] So if your I am, if your idea of yourself. Contains negative emotions. If it doesn't feel good, that's where it's not true, right? 'cause when we have an accurate self-concept, it feels good. It feels empowering. It feels like, oh, this is just who I am. It doesn't feel shameful and bad and less than, okay? So you want to go to it, you want to look at it.

[00:27:05] You want to shine a light on it. You wanna bring it to the surface. Make it conscious and face it so that you can unravel and see it for the story that it is when you're wanting to show up in your work in the world, or even just to get by, because FYI, no one has it all together. No one is happy more than 50% of the time.

[00:27:32] No one has made it. Today I've been in a complete bad mood and it's not shifting and I'm just, it's there. I'm allowing it, right? But when you are wanting to show up in the world and be visible and, and be seen and be with other people in any capacity, both the I Am story gets activated, but also that false ego persona.

[00:28:02] Coping mechanism will also be activated, will cover up until you've actually addressed that inaccurate, I am story underneath. Your experience of being with other people will magnify that underlying self-concept and whatever feelings are produced by your own experience of your own. Self-concept, whatever that those feelings are, will be triggered by the presence of other people, by the possibility of being seen by meeting other people, having them look at you, having them get to know you.

[00:28:41] Any kind of vulnerability or sharing of self or being seen. That is what gets triggered. And so that will be your predominant experience of being with other people, of being visible and being seen. I used to absolutely fear like death being recorded and also being seen in the mirror talking when I was with someone else or even doing anything.

[00:29:11] I hated looking in the mirror when I was with someone else. I hated the idea that they could see me. I was afraid that they could see past this mentally plunged persona self that was kind of paper thin and held up by scaffolding with a lot of energy and that they would see through that and would see this real inadequate self behind it, or so I believed I was an inadequate, and that they would see that.

[00:29:41] This is the operational workings of a mask, right? This is how you unmask is, is that you address that I am story as your first step. This is why lens cleaning, the lens on learning who you are, not cleaning the lens with which you see yourself. This is the first main hurdle. This is the first main big breakthrough in the solar system.

[00:30:05] Once you start to really see this story. And question it, and then orient yourself to paying attention to the experiences you are actually having, not trying to maintain this false persona and cover up this inadequate real self. Once you've addressed that, then you open up the possibility of living in that unknown space and choosing self connection.

[00:30:35] As your only goal, as your way of navigating your life. And then outta that, you get to reinvent that story because you are starting to respond to your life circumstances in new ways. That is step three. So those are the three steps, again, of the solar system. And after that self becomes this playground of discovery and invention and evolution and growth.

[00:31:00] Because any challenges that come up, it's like, well, I just need to raise my self concept. And reinvent the I am story, uh, into someone who has solved it, who has solved for that, or has, um, yeah, who is able to meet your life where you are at and take it somewhere new. What I did to realize the solar system in the beginning and to overcome this fear of visibility, even before I'd come up with the concepts of the solar system.

[00:31:35] Was to invent an alter eco or an alter energy for the sides of myself that I wanted to bring to the front and put in the driving seat, which was that Mars conjunct moon in Aries self. That emphatic communicator, that action taking part of me, that side of me that is willing to be visible. So that I could start realizing my goals.

[00:32:06] That alter energy, that alter ego is called solar. And it's really just for me, solar is the who that I click into and help me start being a different version of myself and embodying the energy of that possibility and that future self. And it allowed me to step out of the story of I am that I had so.

[00:32:31] Heavily invested in and learn to associate with a specific name and self concept. And it allowed me to start experiencing other sides to me and to start being in that unknown of finding out who I really am and how to be that version of me. So that is the process. The result of all of this is that you can start being who you are actually here to be.

[00:32:59] That your experience of being with others, of being seen, of being recorded, of showing up, of reaching out, of meeting new people is positive because your self-concept is positive. 'cause it feels good. So when you meet someone else, that good feeling is just magnified, right? You get to come out of hiding and come out of your shell.

[00:33:25] To yourself and are no longer hampered by this lens with which you experience being only this very narrow version of yourself, the one that keeps you small, the one that keeps you from taking those leaps of faith that you know, on some level you are capable of and becoming that version of you. So if you haven't, if you feel like you've been stuck.

[00:33:54] If there's goals and dreams that you've had that you haven't been able to realize, it's not because of anything about you, but it might be because of the story that you've had about who you think you are, it's time to change that story and write a better one. And this is the work that we do over and over in the solar system, and it's the work also of being intentional about.

[00:34:20] What you are making your life mean. What you are making yourself mean, what you, you are making your experiences mean. And this is literally the answer that you are looking for. If you've been looking for how to unmask, this is available right now. And the decision to start making that change is going to have to be at odds with who you are being who you've been being.

[00:34:46] So if you want to stop being more of your real self. You've got to start seeing who have I I? Who have I been being, what have I been believing myself to be? And then start to write it, rewrite that story. So over to you. What is the I Am story that you've been telling yourself? What images or ideas or concepts come to mind when you think about self and what's possible for you?

[00:35:16] What other people think of you? Any of those sorts, all of those sorts that come up are the story. That story belongs to you. It's happening in you, and now you get to rewrite it and you get to keep rewriting it every day, every year, every time you identify a goal that feels just outside of your reach or a problem that you haven't yet overcome.

[00:35:45] But is calling you to start being the next version of yourself, the person that you are becoming on the way to having it done. All right. I'm gonna finish there. Lots of love to all of you and I will talk to you very soon. Thanks for listening to this week's Sensory Siblings podcast. Head over to Solar systems.xyz where you can join the plus siblings Discord.

[00:36:11] Server and discuss the topics explored with other listeners, and if you are ready to go deeper into activating your future self, I want to invite you to join my six month unmasking unschool called the Solar System Plus siblings. You're going to unlearn the habits of self negating then. Self-esteem, self clarity, and the self-belief to model the social esteem that will create culture shifts first in yourself, and then rippling out into everything you do and beyond.

[00:36:44] Head over to Solar Systems xyz slash. Siblings where you can join the solar system, plus siblings and I will see you inside.