18.permission
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[00:00:00] Hello siblings. Welcome to the Sensory Siblings Podcast. I'm your host, Louisa Shaeri, and this is beaming to you from the solar system, the liberatory framework, and unmasking unschool for creatively identified autistic folks who are seeking another way to see no and be yourself. This is a radical re-imagining of what's.

[00:00:26] Possible when we redefine ourselves from within, by unlearning who we are, not making self connection. Our goal, activating the languages of our sensory oriented perception and creating the culture shifts to activate futures and cells, it all starts within.

[00:00:48] All right, siblings. I am in my very own tunnel of un of late and it's crept up on me on the double whammy of eclipses, the second of which hit my 12th and 10th houses for astrology geeks. So all about, um, hidden work, subconscious inner work stuff being triggered. But then also 10th House is like professional role or the work that you do that is visible or how people see you that don't know you.

[00:01:19] And the 10th house bit is, is my Mercury, right? So the eclipses aspected my mercury in the 10th house with positive angles. So it's been fruitful and it's been, uh, really an exploration for me about how I've been thinking about. Who I am when it comes to putting myself out into the world and meeting people who don't know me yet, and all of the thoughts that I have had previously that have been recently triggered by me going out and doing new things, being new people, and seeing how certain ideas that I've absorbed in the past are showing up for me.

[00:02:05] And of course it's Mercury. So I'm going to also do a series of communication related things, podcast episodes for you along similar themes, and it's gonna take several podcasts to share what came up for me, what I felt compelled to talk to you about, but also some themes that came out of my very own 12th house spaceship that is the solar system plus siblings.

[00:02:34] The siblings in there had a series of coaching requests all on similar themes on belonging, on rejection, on rejection, sensitivity dysphoria. So I'm gonna talk about all of those things. I'm also gonna talk about reframing scripting, and do a whole series about how do we show up, how do we communicate?

[00:02:54] And how do we do all of that while risking rejection? So today we're just gonna start with a very straightforward episode on Are you waiting for permission? When I was 16, I had a breakdown in school. I had been in deep depression, clinical level depression for about three years, and I'd learned to hide it.

[00:03:22] And this was because, well, I'd already learned to hide generally who I was, how I was feeling, but also because I didn't feel like I had any obvious thing to be depressed about, right? So I didn't think I had permission to feel bad about my life, to feel bad about myself. And in fact, I thought it was my fault that I felt so bad.

[00:03:46] My fault that I was feeling socially excluded and struggling my fault that I was having those experiences. And I was also disassociating from how I felt, right? I was trying to shove down and ignore how I was feeling. And all of that was also causing havoc with my ability to be at ease in my body, to be present, to connect.

[00:04:12] I was hiding myself and hiding my depression. And so it came to one day when I was age 16 in the art room, in an art lesson. My safe haven when, uh, it came to me that even art was no longer something I felt compelled to do. I no longer had the energy to even do art. I'd lost all. Interest or energy to generate in every single aspect of my life.

[00:04:43] It was like the last domino fell and I had a breakdown right there in an art lesson and it was just before lunch and my art teachers took me into their office and amazing art teachers. They really, in those art lessons, gave me a lot of self-trust, A lot of. Confidence to do my own thing, to lead my own practice to make massive things.

[00:05:09] Anyway, so they took me into the art room and sat me down and I told them how I felt that I needed help. And I was struggling, and that was the beginning of everything changing for me. In that moment. I became someone who gives themself permission to be struggling, to feel bad, to ask for help, to not know how to do this.

[00:05:36] And I'd waited too many years, right? But I eventually had given it to myself. I'd reached the breaking point. I'm allowed to be having a shit time. So there I was asking for help and it kicked off a series of supportive. Influences including meeting with the school counselor for several weeks. And my very first session I said, I dunno how to be myself.

[00:06:04] I don't know who I am. And she gave me permission to know that you have been being yourself just in very harsh conditions. And she gave me permission to look at the school social environment that I was in. It was a Kent grammar school and, uh, girls only, and to experience it as negative, right? She talked about the environment as being competitive, as focused on achievement and as toxic.

[00:06:41] And I dunno if she said any of those words, but that's what I received. That's what I remember, that essentially it was not my fault. Right? She allowed me, she gave me permission to see that, who I'd been being. Was in reaction to that and that being myself and being popular were not the same thing. I'd been looking at my peers who were popular, who were being themselves out loud, who seemed confident.

[00:07:12] And I assumed that I needed to be like them in order to be being myself in order to be liked. At the time, just going back to astrology, I looked back years later. At the time, I'd had Saturn going through my 12th house and then my first house, right? So Saturn is the teacher. It brings restriction, it brings heaviness, it brings weight, it brings responsibility so that you learn lessons, right?

[00:07:39] It brings you lessons. It's probably. The planet of the tunnel of art, if I was to say that there was a planet for it. So my lesson was self permission after those meetings with my counselor and visits with my mom to a doctor, visits to alternative medicine practitioners, and really where I came to. In myself was that in the end that no one could really help me.

[00:08:10] I Googled depression. I learned about astrology, and what I got from Google was that I was depressed because I had unprocessed pain. Now I'm just gonna disclaimer, I'm just gonna talk about my own story. Please don't use any of this as advice, right? This is just my story. This is just the thoughts, the logic that I went through at the time, and this of course won't be true of all forms of depression.

[00:08:40] However, that was a piece of information that helped me. I was also deep in self pity and I came to this realization that no one was coming to save me. That if I was gonna feel better that I had to take the reins right. And that together with having had the space to work through the ways I was thinking with the counselor, all of what this looked like for me.

[00:09:12] And what the lesson that Saturn was offering me this moment in my life was offering me this tunnel of UN was to allow all of what I'd shoved down to come up bit by bit, and all of what I'd shoved down was a lot of pain, but it was also. Self-hatred. It was also ideas about myself. It was also experiences of rejection.

[00:09:37] It was bullying, it was covert exclusion, judgment, being called shy or weird, not being able to speak at times and not knowing why not being invited to stuff. So stuff like that. And I was using all of that to then judge myself, judge other people. And so I was full of hate and full of resentment and full of self pity in learning about astrology.

[00:10:08] I was also learning what I didn't know at the time. Uh, a mode of astrology that was influenced by Carl Young. And it spoke to things like shadow work. So I Googled that. I decided that shadow work was the thing I needed to do. So then every night in bed, I spent an hour or so diving into my own shadows, allowing all of the nasty thoughts and feelings and self pity and self hatred, and self admonishment and self blame, and also hatred and judgment of other people.

[00:10:42] To come into my awareness. I let it all up with the idea that self-acceptance comes when you accept all of that into your awareness. Not just the good stuff, not just your personality traits, but the experiences that you are actually having. And here's where I want to get to. What that did was it made me no longer afraid of the experience of rejection or embarrassment.

[00:11:14] So I became someone who was willing to be embarrassed, willing to be judged, and willing to be rejected because I was no longer avoiding and afraid of those experiences. So from then, and it took about a year of this from then in that last year of school. I had my own back and it was a completely different experience.

[00:11:39] I walked in knowing that I didn't need to fit in, knowing that I didn't need everyone and anyone to like me. I rearranged all of the friendships that I had been focused on trying to. Maintain or keep, or make, and instead found people that I actually fit with, that I felt good around, but also knew that I, I had me right now, I don't recommend doing this work alone, uh, because I didn't fully do it right.

[00:12:17] I'd learned to process emotions. I'd learned to give myself permission to be having a bad time, to be struggling to feel through the bad, but later on I had to then work through the ways in which my fear of depression in my early twenties. Became a kind of hyper independence and self-seeking self-reliance, and a focus on excitement and adrenaline and risk-taking.

[00:12:57] As a kind of proof that I wasn't depressed, that came out of a lack of boundaries, a lack of a sense of safety. And that lack of self safety and boundaries got me in a lot of trouble. Relationship trouble. I attracted trouble. People who didn't care, who wanted to take advantage, and that was another set of lessons.

[00:13:23] But the self-directed shadow work, the permission I was given from my counselor, right, the, the permission not to blame myself anymore. The recognition and the allowing. Into my awareness of all that inner self-judgment, that self blame, that self pity, gave me the lesson of self permission, right? To know that I could handle it if I felt embarrassed, if I looked like a fool, if I fell in public.

[00:13:57] If I am rejected. And that has stood me even until now in the position that I can take those risks without risking my own self rejection in the process. And I thought of this, um, story when it came to me the other day, which is this question of where in your life are you waiting for permission? That was one particular area, right, that I needed to give myself permission to have the experiences that I was actually having, which was being socially excluded, which was not fitting in, which was having a bad time.

[00:14:42] But there are other areas of my life where I have also needed to recognize that I'm, I'm waiting for permission. One of the. Hardwired beliefs that siblings come into the solar system with that, that most of them have to work on the most, even if it shows up in very different ways. Is the belief that on some level, that they are not acceptable exactly as they are, right?

[00:15:13] That they need to negotiate acceptance or convince people, or that they are too much or that they are not enough, or that if they do things the ways that, the way that come naturally to them, that. Other people will take issue with it, and that that is a reason not to do it. And that in order to do something to be something, they need to wait for approval first, right?

[00:15:42] They need to wait for permission. So you might think that you aren't waiting for approval, but notice if the reasons that you give for why you aren't doing the things that you wanna do, or you aren't getting the results that you want. If those reasons are about other people or it's about what they might think or what they say or that in order to do it the way I want to do it, I need to ask permission.

[00:16:11] Notice where you're doing that, and it might be in areas where it's just you with you. Like how do you manage your evenings or what do you do on the way to when you're traveling? Like how do you get dressed? So think about areas where you don't feel like you are fully in your self permission and notice that what's stopping you really is your own mindset and your own thinking.

[00:16:43] It's not permission from anyone else that you actually need, but permission from yourself when you haven't given yourself permission to choose what works for you. To have the sensory and emotional experiences that you are actually having and have that be real, right? Have that be acknowledged, have that be your truth, or when you haven't given yourself permission to desire and love in a certain way, or to do things in a certain way or to structure your life around how your body, mind, work, where you are holding back, if that's what you're doing.

[00:17:23] Know that your energy will also be apologetic or rebellious or antagonistic, so it'll be people pleasing or it will be finding ways to be alternative in a way that is a response to the mainstream writer That is a judgment, and you may not yet see this about yourself. But people smell energy, right, and not actually smell with their nose, but people sense it, right?

[00:17:57] It's like an invisible knowing. When you show up apologetically, even if you are doing the actions and saying the words, it won't land because your energy is not aligned with what you're doing and what you're saying. So people smell or sense that you are out of alignment, right? That something is off and they might not be conscious of exactly why, but it's there.

[00:18:24] Right? When I first started telling people I'm an artist these years ago, and I didn't have any shows, I didn't have any stuff on the internet to show anybody. In other words, I didn't have the things. To convince myself and to give myself permission to own that title, right? To own that identity. So when I tell people I'm an artist, I did it in a kind of apologetic way.

[00:18:51] Um, well, you know, uh, I'm sort of an artist and right, and so the feedback and the way that the universe then responds back to you. It's gonna be the same as the energy that you are, you are putting out, right? So it's gonna be a response to that. It's gonna be a response to your energy, and not necessarily what you're doing or what you're saying.

[00:19:14] So if you're being apologetic, then people's responses to you will be to respond to the fact that, well, you don't believe it, so why should I? So then they don't affirm that you have that permission. Or position you as someone who has a reason to hide it or apologize or they sense that you need approval, which there, that is then a power that they have and they might patronize you like, oh, that's so lovely.

[00:19:46] What kind of things do you paint in your spare time? Do you see what I'm saying? So when you aren't owning all of who you are. All of your genius, brilliant magnificence, but also all the ways that you might need help or are struggling with something or need interdependent structures or relationships, which by the way is also you being in your brilliance when you need something that's also you being in your truth, is you being you, is you being in your brilliance?

[00:20:20] Then people take your words. But they believe your energy. They don't buy what you're saying, something's off. It's like a salesperson who doesn't believe in what they're selling, so they come off all salesy and trying to convince you because they're trying to convince you something that they don't believe, right?

[00:20:37] You smell it, it feels yucky. It's the same with permission when you haven't given yourself permission. No one else will give it to you. 'cause they can't mirror back and affirm what you aren't even believing yourself. Right? And you're trying to convince them, but you aren't even convinced to give an example.

[00:20:58] That makes it obvious. Imagine there's a doctor and they, I don't know, we're on a plane and someone needs help and they're asking for a doctor. Imagine the doctor who's waiting for permission to be a doctor. Even though they're fully qualified, even though they're fully practicing that, well, I'm sort of a doctor, um, right.

[00:21:21] How confident would you feel to hand over the reins to that doctor? You wouldn't, or salesperson who's timid. You probably won't wanna see these new lip balms, so, you know, I dunno if it's what you want. So I've hid them at the back when you need permission and you approach other people. And relationships from a subconscious space.

[00:21:45] If I need to get something right, I need something from you in order for you to make me feel like I'm allowed to be here, then you come to those relationships from a place of what you need to get right. I need to get something from you. So you come to them in the energy of lack, but when you're believing that.

[00:22:11] You don't need to prove anything, right? When you've given yourself permission, then your energies that you don't need anything from them, and you're able to come to those relationships from a space of giving, of serving, being present, instead of worrying about what you're getting, if you're saying the right thing.

[00:22:32] If you're doing the right thing to convince them. And sometimes people will think that. They need permission to tell people what they deep down believe, but then they worry that people will think that you're showing off or you're taking up too much space. But people will only think that you're showing off or you're taking up too much space When you are in the energy of asking for permission, please like me, please think I'm cool.

[00:23:01] Please give me approval. Please give me likes. Please look at me. I need your approval. We can smell it. I think smelling is not the analogy for people who perhaps have heightened sense of smell. You know what I mean? We can sense it. So when you see people who are showing off, it's because you can sense in their energy that they're needing something from you.

[00:23:26] Whereas when you see people taking up space from the energy of, I have everything I need and I'm giving, it's a completely different experience. So if you don't need permission to be something, you get to just be it. And if you believe in you or what you do, then all you are doing When you show people, when you tell people, when you be with people, when you be out in the world, when you do your thing, when you make your work, when you put your work out there.

[00:23:58] What you are doing is being of service, is being present, is not hiding, is allowing them to think whatever they're going to think because you don't need them to think anything specifically, right? Because you know what you think and you are in that and you've given yourself permission and your relationship to yourself is in alignment.

[00:24:19] And you are the only one whose opinion really counts your words and your energy, your actions and your energy all match up and it's your energy. That people respond to. So you don't need permission when you give it to yourself. I approve of me. I like me. There's a quote from Maya Angelou, I've probably said it before on the podcast.

[00:24:46] In an interview with Bill Moyers in 1973, Maya Angelou says, you are only free when you realize you belong. No place. You belong. Every place. No place at all. The price is high, the reward is great. And Bill Moyers says, do you belong anywhere? And Maya Angelou says, I haven't yet. And then Bill Moyers says, do you belong to anyone?

[00:25:11] And Maya Angelou says More and more I belong to myself. I'm very proud of that. I'm very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much. So notice how it's about her relationship to herself, how she looks at herself, right? That question of belonging is about belonging to oneself. It's self permission.

[00:25:38] And notice also that she says the price is high, the reward is great, right? The price is, you've gotta be able to feel anything that you wanna feel, any of the feelings that might be involved, right? In putting yourself out there in risking. Being exposed to potential harm. Right? But the reward is great because the harm is never a harm that you are doing to yourself as a response to other people's rejection or judgment or thoughts.

[00:26:09] Right? You are. Good with you. So I wanted to finish that really, because this is gonna be a series. It's gonna be a series about belonging, and I wanted to start with belonging as permission. As I said, we're gonna get into scripting, rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria, all of the convincing that we think we need to do, how we conflate inherent value, which is infinite with created value, which is ability, which is things that we make, which is things that we offer out, and which is recognized in terms of its value only in terms of.

[00:26:48] In only in the eyes of those who want or need what you offer, right? We often conflate the two. Uh, so this is what this series is gonna be about. But to finish, I want to invite you to recognize that permission is universe given, right? You've got life, you're alive, your heart is beating. You have permission.

[00:27:13] So imagine what you would do. If you had the golden ticket of lifetime permission and no one could take issue with you or anything you're doing, no one could say that you are wrong. No one could disapprove, right? That you'd never fail, that everything would work out. What would you try and do? What would you do?

[00:27:36] Right? Consider what would you do if other people's judgment of your choices? Was something that you never had to deal with. Okay? And now turn it back around. Why aren't you doing that now? So list all the reasons, all the reasons why you aren't backing yourself. Why are you waiting for the sticker of approval?

[00:28:00] The go ahead to go and be, and do you right The being of you. Starts inside your own thinking and starts in your relationship to yourself where you give yourself permission. And when you find all of those reasons, I invite you to get them out on paper or voice notes, question them, look at them and see them as stories, right?

[00:28:26] They're just made up stories. Well, maybe they're not true. Maybe these are not reasons. While you don't have permission, right, and maybe you can start to give yourself permission instead, the freedom to step into to be yourself no matter what, because you already have given yourself the permission and you don't need it from anyone.

[00:28:50] Is the freedom to make decisions that you like to therefore create your life as one that you like, right? To be the person that you are and like who you are being because you are actually being in your truth. So it's not arrogant or selfish or self-centered to be so sufficient in your self-esteem that you aren't going out there and seeking it in the social esteem.

[00:29:19] That you receive from others. It's actually the key to you being in the highest level of presence and which is you being yourself, right? We can only be the self that is present in the moment right now, whoever that is, and also you being in service, which is you creating what you are here to create. So my offer to you is bloom where you planted.

[00:29:46] Be the plant that you are nurture and pay attention to, and grow yourself permission to know that you can structure your time. Use your energy, organize your space. Organize how you do relationships. Choose your relationships. Choose your vocation. Choose how you do communication in ways that suit you to give yourself permission.

[00:30:12] To need to want things in the way that you genuinely need and want them. I used to feel like when I was at home working that there was some authority, and this is working for myself, right? This is before lockdowns and et cetera, right? When I was freelancing and working at home, I felt like I had some authority, some boss who was looking over me and checking, are you doing your work?

[00:30:37] Are you sitting down? Are you doing it in the way that you would be expected to? In the way that you might do it in office full of people? No. Be your own authority. Do your work in a way that works for you. Does the tree ask permission to grow? No, it doesn't. Does the sea ask permission to exist? No. Does the moon ask permission to change its shapes?

[00:31:01] No. The reason for why not, right? Why you don't have permission? Those reasons. Those stories about why not are the thing between you and the results that you want, right? Are between you and you being the fully grown bloomed plant that you are. Now, if you want some. Conducive soil. If you want some siblings, if you want some sunlight, some clarity, right?

[00:31:31] If you want some awareness and coaching and understanding of all of your unconscious reasons and ways that you have handed over your power and AWAI for permission, if you're wanting to do that work, to dig through all of the mark of false authorities that taught you that you don't have permission. To find what is seeded in you.

[00:31:53] That is calling you to love it, nurture it. Give it permission to exist, you know where to go. The solar system plus siblings is designed for exactly this work. I see siblings taking up space in their relationships, no longer asking for permission, but sharing who they are, sharing their why, owning and communicating.

[00:32:16] Who they are and why they like to do things in a certain way. Being present with and facing the challenges that are in their lives, and then overcoming the things that they can change, which is how you are thinking about. Those challenges and coming out of the thinking that is the same thinking that created the problem and zooming out, taking the perspective of you giving yourself permission to solve it, right, to need what you need to be having the experience that you are actually having and to want the things that you want.

[00:32:53] Your thoughts, your feelings, those are the energy, right? The electricity of your neural connections. And the emotion is the magnetic pull. So this is the vibration of the models of reality that you are living from are being emitted. And that is then what the world corresponds with. And so the degree of permission that you have given yourself in your own thoughts.

[00:33:20] Is part of that. So visibility. You having permission starts with you, seeing yourself, allowing yourself belonging to yourself. The quality of the relationships that you have in your life cannot be greater than the quality of that one that you have with yourself. And when you give yourself permission, guess what?

[00:33:44] You also give it to everyone around you to the same degree. So people feel that, hey, this person's being themself and being themself in ways that I can sense that they don't need me to approve of them. Right? They can sense that power that you have given yourself to decide, yeah, I am enough. I'm not too much.

[00:34:08] There is no right or wrong way to be there is only are you being yourself. They sense that they feel that they want to be around that. My current permission journey is a new level of ownership over my expertise, my personality, and my self-expression as it come when it comes to showing up in arenas where I am meeting people who don't know me yet, when I am showing up in arenas that are related to.

[00:34:45] Profession or vocation. So what I am lining up in my vision, the tunnel of an that I'm stepping into is a next level of visibility, impact, and owning that this work works, right? Owning that, being loud on social media, meeting people in person who don't know me yet, who I don't know yet, and who perhaps have access to spaces that I don't.

[00:35:12] Who maybe aren't people for whom my work is directly for, but might be able to help me grow. So this is the journey that I'm on next. This is my next big tunnel of an So I'll report as I go along, but I love it when I spot my next tunnel of an right. I run towards the growth knowing full well that it's gonna be.

[00:35:36] Some emotions and discomfort. The uncomfortable unknowns. I dunno how it's gonna work out. I'm gonna have to try new things and put myself out of the comfort of staying where I'm at in order to go where I wanna go. And that spark in the dark of the tunnel, right, it grows. The more I'm willing to dig deep and get the lesson and be uncomfortable.

[00:36:06] And go through it and be in it. The more that that spark grows into the clarity of who I then become and what I then get to learn. So somewhere along the line, someone told you somewhere in your life that you don't have permission and you believe them. And so now you are thinking in lack, I don't have. I need to get permission.

[00:36:31] I'm not yet enough or I'm too much. I need to do it right. I need to be right. I need to fit in. I need to wait until someone says yes, but you can't be given what you don't already give yourself, right? You can't give when you're in the mindset of thinking that there is something that you need to get first when there is a condition.

[00:36:53] On belonging to yourself. You can't give of yourself share of yourself when you believe that you lack something and need to get it first. You don't have it because you believed it. When someone told you that you need permission. That's all that happened. So to get outta that, recognize where can you give yourself permission and then give it to yourself.

[00:37:16] So take a look at your life. Do an inventory inside yourself. Check in. Where is it that I'm holding back, that I'm waiting, that I'm believing that I need someone else to approve or give permission? Where am I being timid? Where am I conforming to an invisible authority? Or where am I letting other people's voices determine my life and give yourself permission instead?

[00:37:44] Alright, I'm gonna talk to you soon. Love you so much. Take care. Bye. Thanks for listening to this week's Sensory Siblings podcast. Head over to Solar systems.xyz where you can join the plus Siblings Discord server and discuss the topics explored with other listeners. And if you are ready to go deeper into activating your future self, I want to invite you to join my six month unmasking unschool called the Solar System Plus Siblings.

[00:38:16] You're going to. Learn the habits of self negating, then create self-esteem, self clarity, and the self-belief to model the social esteem that will create culture shifts first in yourself, and then rippling out into everything you do and beyond. Head over to Solar systems.xyz/. Siblings where you can join the solar system, plus siblings and I will see you inside.