Hi, today we are going to react to some Reddit stories.
Am I the a-hole for telling my girlfriend that her daughter is too clingy?
Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 18 months, but we've worked together
for a year before we started dating.
I personally have always been child free, I don't like kids and I never wanted to have
any of my own.
For that reason, I always avoided dating single mothers.
Nothing against them specifically, I just don't see myself as a father or a stepfather
But when I met my girlfriend, I fell in love with her even though she was a widow with
She's also quite a bit older than me, I'm 28 and she's 37.
Even though I don't like kids, I got along with hers quite well, maybe because they're
teenagers 13 and 15, so they're not as childish.
Six months ago we made the decision to move in together, but ever since they moved in
with me, things changed with her oldest daughter.
For the lack of a better word, she became very clingy and needy.
She would constantly nag me to spend time with her, whenever I was going out she wanted
to come with me.
After 6 months of that, I just felt exhausted by it.
I just can't do anything without her daughter wanting to join me.
So a couple days ago I complained to my girlfriend that her daughter was a bit too clingy.
She told me that her daughter just sees me as a father figure, her biological father
died when she was 5 and that I was being a jerk for complaining instead of being happy
that she likes me.
So was I the a-hole for saying that?
That's a pretty terrible story honestly, I don't understand what it is about people that
makes them think it's reasonable to get together with someone who has kids and then to still
continue describing themselves as child free, as someone who doesn't like kids, who never
wanted to have kids, who doesn't see themselves as a father or a stepfather figure.
So all of those put together is enough for me to say that you should never date someone
who already has children and then to have decided to date her, to have been with her
for a long time and then consciously to move in with her, with her teenage kids and then
still complain about it just boggles my mind.
OP here is absolutely the a-hole, this is completely unfair, this is completely wrong.
I find it, I mean it's already difficult enough to manage blended families, to deal with having
different spouses and dealing with their non-biological kids, the whole step parents, step kids dynamic
is a really complicated one to get right.
If you have kids from previous marriages and now you bring them to new marriages, all of
this is always very complicated and very very touchy.
But fundamentally the only way to really be able to do it somewhat successfully is to
take in those kids and to treat them as your own, so that he doesn't appreciate or seem
to recognise that the older child here wants to, like is seeing him as a father figure,
as a replacement father figure and she wants to engage with him, she wants to interact
with him as if he is one and that he doesn't actually think that he's blessed to have this
opportunity because the vast majority of teenagers would react in the opposite direction where
they would be really annoyed at that person for trying to replace a biological parent.
It seems like a real shame, I think that this is quite unfortunate for the people here,
for the kids particularly and I don't quite understand how to put a little bit of responsibility
on the mother as well, like this is something that I would vet for.
I couldn't imagine moving in with a person when I have two other kids, when that person
is not sure that they even care about my kids, they definitely don't seem to be interested
in treating them as if they are a parent figure at all and then under those circumstances
how did the mother think, yeah okay this is the ideal partner and we're in this together.
So either he lied and gave her totally the wrong impression or he's just, she just messed
up I guess, she didn't take it into consideration.
Two particular comments that I'll read out here, I like this one, this person says almost
every other man in the world with stepchildren would be ecstatic over his stepchildren wanting
to spend time hanging out with him, OP is a certified idiot.
Yeah it feels like he's been lucky enough to be in this position where the kids are
actually interested in him and they've accepted him and they want to hang out with him and
then instead of appreciating that he's like she's clingy, why is she here?
And the next comment that I wanted to read out did actually stand out to me as well,
this person says I don't know I'd be willing to bet that in reality quite a few 20 something
dudes would feel uncomfortable if a 15 year old girl, a girl that they aren't related
to and have only known for about a year was constantly wanting to hang out with them.
Maybe the daughter really does see him as a father figure or maybe she has a crush on
him but given that OP is literally not old enough to be her father it's really not so
surprising that he feels uncomfortable.
And that is honestly when I first read this thread I did feel that the age differences
that were a little bit dodgy so he has an almost 10 year gap between him and his girlfriend
and then he has just slightly above 10 years between him so it's like a 13 year gap between
him and the oldest daughter and that's that's a little bit uncomfortable.
I can see some men being able to handle that if they came at it for all if they had had
previous experience if for example that's a pretty normal age gap between older and
younger siblings if they at least had a younger sibling that was pretty you know with a pretty
big age gap like that then maybe maybe I could I could see them being able to adapt to that
and adjust to it quite comfortably but but yeah that's a that's a pretty big age gap
I kind of don't blame him completely but I think you like the moment that you decide
to move in the moment that you decide that this woman is going to be your girlfriend
and that you want to be with her you have to accept the kids completely and that involves
treating them as if they are your own our next one is titled am I the a-hole for asking
my husband to use my correct job title I'm 36 and I've been married to my husband who's
38 for 10 years and have recently had a massive career change my first degree at university
was nursing but I've been really struggling over the past few years with everything that
happened so I've gone back and done a degree in marine biology marine biology has always
interested me and I was so pleased to finally start enjoying my job again I have started
working for a turtle rehabilitation center and I could not be more fulfilled the challenge
comes in that my husband continuously introduces me as a tour guide in an aquarium he thinks
it's very funny and said that it's easier to explain to people no disrespect to those
that work in aquariums but I worked so hard to go back to school and have a job that I
love I was doing the degree part-time while still working as a nurse and my husband saw
how much I struggled when I was nursing my husband never used to do this I was always
introduced as a nurse but now he just can't or won't get it right people always look at
me with such pity when he says she was a nurse but now she works at our local aquarium I
have started correcting him when he introduces me to new people which he says undermines
him and makes him look like a fool in front of others I have said that he wouldn't look
like a fool if he told people what I actually do but he says he can't remember all the details
and the fake job title is funny recently I refused to go to an event with him unless
he promised to introduce me correctly and he said that I was massively overreacting
I didn't end up going and my husband was really frustrated especially when people who knew
me at the event asked him why I hadn't gone I am at an impasse but he insists I am the
one making a mountain out of a molehill am I being an a-hole by asking him to use my
actual job title am I overreacting to a joke edit to add as I've seen the question asked
a few times my husband is an engineer.
Now I don't think that OP is the a-hole I think that it's fair enough for people to
have these kinds of in-jokes in their marriage and I also think that maybe those go badly
every now and then so that for example the husband might find something especially funny
that the wife does not find funny at all I think that happens sometimes.
What I think is really annoying about this particular situation is that he keeps doing
it repeatedly so it's not like it's just once you know if he does it once and you let it
go then I'm like okay maybe I find it funny the first time I might find it funny the second
time I might even still find it a little bit funny the third time but if you are committed
to doing it and I ask you not to do it and you still decide to do it because you're like
I can't remember your job anyway that's that's not it that's not cool I think the thing about
it that's really hurtful is that especially in these public settings when you meet lots
of other people that you maybe don't engage with or don't socialize with regularly when
you are there as a married couple you want your spouse to always try and raise you right
to present you in the best possible light and here it sounds a lot like he's trying
to diminish her achievements he's trying to present her as if her career is less than
what it used to be as if she's lost something over the course of the last of the last few
years when she's decided to make this change and that kind of would get to me I know that
maybe like maybe there's a speculation I know that he keeps saying it's just funny it's
just a joke but I don't think that he would be so determined to do it like the fact that
she said I will only go to this event if you agree that you're going to stop doing this
and he apparently could not could not agree to the extent that she decided not to go to
the event at all says to me that he's really actually quite committed to being a dick about
this and I don't know why he is but I just think that fundamentally if your spouse asks
you to stop talking about them in a certain way in public then you kind of have to take
that a little bit seriously and you're not you're not being a good spouse if you ignore
that as a request so that's how I feel about this one quite a lot of people agree I'll
read out a couple of the comments that I thought were interesting OP I would sincerely hop
on hop on this about marine biologist is not that hard to remember start questioning his
mental faculties are you seriously having trouble remembering my role should we seek
out a neurologist are you experiencing early onset dementia I'm worried about you my role
is not that hard to remember especially after years of me working towards it if you sincerely
can't remember I think we should seek out medical attention now people tend to find
this quite funny as a response but I would say that if you have to try and publicly humiliate
him in response then you're not being a great wife so I wouldn't respond quite like that
in public I understand that people feel like yeah you're you're digging it in you're making
a point and that's and that kind of satisfies that but but nah nah I'm not into this type
of attitude when people have it towards their spouses I think both of you could be a little
bit more respectful and a little bit more kind towards each other and then you would
be able to solve the problem very quickly and this comment also quite interesting she
says I think oh he says I think he does respect her new job and thinks that it makes her sound
more intelligent than him it sounds like he was okay with her working a traditional sounding
job like nursing he's gross and then that's really interesting to me because if he does
exhibit like a totally different way of talking about her of talking about her job than what
he used to have before then that does imply that there's something about that change that
makes him uncomfortable at least to the extent that if he was refusing to change his mind
and he's refusing to let it go then that means that he's quite dedicated to it for whatever
reason and so yeah I think that if you are asked to do something by your spouse especially
when it comes to how you talk about them how you introduce them how you present them to
other people then you do have a responsibility towards your spouse to be kind and to try
and present them in the best possible light you know like even if they are for example
a cleaner there's a huge difference between trying to say hey they clean the trash or
they take the trash out every day and and talking about it very differently right so
that's that's where I'd say if you are my husband then you're you're kind of disrespecting
me you're trying to you're trying to diminish my achievements and that's not very nice so
OP is not the a-hole and our last one for today am I the a-hole for yelling at my brother
asking him to have some effing empathy towards me my life hasn't been going that great recently
I left my husband two months ago and I've been miserable since I left him because I
had a crush on another man and that made me question our entire relationship and myself
too I started dating my husband when I was 17 and I fell in love with his kindness he
was my first boyfriend ever and he showed me care I've never received from a man before
long story short I've left him after almost 10 years of being together because I started
questioning why I've fallen in love with him I had an emotionally abusive father growing
up and I never went to therapy and never tried to process that I just tucked it away and
got married to a man who was the complete opposite of him and a people pleaser upon
leaving my husband I moved back in with my mother my father is dead now and my little
brother and now I hate my life and I miss my husband terribly I have to commute three
hours a day to work and my mother and brother are much more difficult roommates than my
husband was my brother especially is frustrated by my presence and constantly picks up fights
yesterday he was yelling at me through the door about taking too long in the bathroom
and I told him to calm down and don't be such an an a-hole he asked when will I finally
move out because I'm always in the way and told me that I was an idiot for leaving my
husband and I should go and beg him to take me back but he probably won't because I'm
impossible to live with I snapped and I yelled at him asking him to have some effing empathy
for me I'm going through a hard time and I really don't need him to be such an a-hole
to me he replied that it's not his problem I created the situation for myself and it's
not fair that he has to suffer the consequences of my actions too and I don't deserve his
empathy he is right that it's all my fault I created the situation I only got myself
to blame am I the a-hole for yelling at him edit for info my brother is 22 and his problem
is basically just me being there not that I'm messy or loud just that I'm present he
likes to send our mother away for the night to her boyfriend when he wants to have company
over and it really bothers him that he can't really send me away like that also I didn't
leave my husband for the other guy I stopped talking to that man as soon as I realized
that I have a crush so I don't think that OP is necessarily the a-hole for having a
fight with her brother even if the fight escalates even if they end up making comments or saying
things that are not that are not really good I do kind of think that OP is still the a-hole
and that is fundamentally because she left her husband of almost 10 years for a pretty
terrible reason like I don't know what it is that happens sometimes women just end up
in this mindset I guess where they think the grass is greener on the other side and I've
read other stories that are quite similar that are quite similar to this so maybe she
just got it in her head that for whatever reason she's not very fulfilled in her marriage
she does not present anything in the marriage part that explains exactly why she decided
to leave and honestly it would kind of make sense to me if number one her brother has
lost a lot of freedom is what it sounds like he lost a lot of freedom because she moved
in where he used to have freedom before and number two if he has any vague brain then
I assume that he looks at the amount of time that she has like how her marriage broke apart
and then I can imagine like if she if she gives him the reasons that she gave us here
that honestly if he has a brain I would totally understand why he's annoyed and why he keeps
calling her out on it even if it maybe necessarily doesn't make absolute sense obviously you
only hear one part of the story and I assume that from his part she probably also said
some things that would be regretful that you know maybe maybe she should feel regretful
for but that's that's kind of the thing I don't understand why the fact that she is
struggling in this situation right now and she has kind of created the situation for
herself says to me that you kind of have to take a little bit of responsibility and then
you have to look at where you are what you're doing why you're acting in certain ways and
decide whether this is something that you need to change or not sounds like she's in
her late 20s I think she doesn't say exactly how old she was but she says that she started
dating her husband when she was 17 and they've been together for almost 10 years so presumably
she's around 27 and she is working so the fact that she decided to move back in with
her mom with her with her mom and her brother is probably more to do with the fact that
she still wants people around her she wants a support system maybe after the marriage
fell apart she she's you know heartbroken and depressed and so that's kind of why she's
there she's there more for the emotional connection and the social connection and I get that I
understand that but what that says to me is that she like it would be different if her
marriage fell apart for pretty much any other reason if she if he was a terrible husband
if she left him because he treated her badly if she left him because she was really unhappy
and they spent ages trying to fix it and they couldn't fix it if she left him because he
cheated on her and was a crappy was a crappy person if any of these reasons are there and
then this happens at the tail end of it then I honestly don't think that the brother would
have the same level of vitriol or anger or resentment towards her for taking his freedom
away for what he perceives to be a pretty meaningless situation that she caused so that's
kind of why I feel I still feel like OP is the a-hole not necessarily for shouting at
him I think people say things in fights that maybe are not great and especially in fights
with your siblings probably probably not great in general not the best way to try and fight
with family but I can I can totally understand like I already get frustrated if I'm sharing
space with anyone else and they spent too long in the bathroom I would not behave in
quite this way about it but I can understand why that breaks down into fights a couple
of the comments here that I thought were really interesting a person here says argues that
just because he wasn't abusive the husband that is just because the husband wasn't abusive
it doesn't mean that their relationship was good for both of them and yeah maybe maybe
that that may well be the case I I don't know I think that in general when people present
their perspective in forums like this where they're asking the world for judgment I think
people do generally try to present themselves in the best possible light so if the husband
was abusive or if there was a problem with his behavior towards her then I'm pretty sure
she actually would have said it and so yeah just the quite the assumption that the relationship
wasn't good for both of them despite the fact that she said that he was a great husband
he was very kind he treated her better than anyone else ever had and she could not name
a single reason that he caused the marriage breakdown at all she just said that she she
was questioning why she fell in love with him after 10 years of being with him which
is pretty horrendous for the for the husband honestly I feel bad for him then I just cannot
assume that there was something going on in the relationship that was bad and the next
next comment here which I think is super interesting this person says it seems a bit like the brother
is a chip off of dad's old block dad's behavior isn't really dead it lives on in her brother
and a couple of other people agree with this and say that the brother sounds awful now
that may well be the case she did not say anything in my opinion that implies that the
brother is abusive is violent is aggressive I think that the things that he said here
he also went to move out because she's always in the way and he told her that she was an
idiot for leaving her husband now I feel that she is an idiot for leaving her husband and
I'm not related to her and she's not my sister and I don't care about her at all so it seems
to me relatively reasonable from the things that he said here like it does not sound like
he said anything so totally out there and it doesn't when she yelled at him asking him
to have some empathy for her and he said that he is not empathetic to her that like none
of this is abusive from the context side of things neither of them say anything towards
the other person that's personal that's very attacking that's an insult you know like I
would not call any of that emotional abuse and if the dad really was abusive then I would
say you can't really compare the two so even if the even if the brother doesn't sound like
the nicest person in the world you are hearing this from the words of someone who just had
a fight with him that fell apart to the point that they were both yelling at each other
so yeah and people generally when they have fights where they're yelling at each other
it does it does not go very well and then they don't have very good opinions of the
other person so I do not agree that the brother is probably similar to the dad but you know
that's that's my impression that's how I read it I think appease the a-hole for other things
other than that fight.
Thanks for listening if you're interested in similar content I have a lot of other stories
from different mom forums on my channel feel free to check them out feel free to also comment
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