30.not_a_peer_group
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[00:00:00] Hey sibling. Welcome to the Unmasking Unschool podcast. I'm your host, Louisa Shaeri. AKA solar flare. We are all solar flares. Defying the gravity of group think, beaming frequencies that disrupt the airwaves. And in this podcast, I share perspectives and reframes from the solar system. A liberatory framework for creative autistic folks who are seeking another way to see, know, and be yourself.

[00:00:30] You are not here to fit in. And the radical reimagining of how to honor all of who you're here to be begins within. Hey, sibling today is all about. The unmasking unschool that is open right now. And I wanted to give you a kind of inside, uh, rundown and a kind of information episode, uh, for those of you that are considering joining.

[00:01:01] And sometimes when we look at information page on the internet, we don't really know, right? Okay. Is this for me? Is this gonna do what I want? And so I just wanna talk about it and I specifically wanna talk about the fact that it's a group coaching program. And if you've never been coached or you've never been in a group coaching program, you dunno what that feels like, what that involves.

[00:01:29] And that's one of the reasons why you're like, I don't know if this group is for me. Then I encourage you to listen on, and I want to give you as much information as possible so that you can make that decision. So just to, by way of introduction, what am I talking about? So I'm talking about the solar system plus siblings, which is my unmasking, unschool.

[00:01:56] I call it that because it's, it's really about a journey of unmasking, but not in the ways that we normally think about unmasking. This has nothing to do with you acting more autistic. This has nothing to do with you how you appear to other people. Unmasking for me is you coming back to yourself, you experiencing yourself in self connection while with others in ways that mean that masking is optional.

[00:02:27] That it's not just this automated, immediate thing that you go into doing. And really what we're talking about with masking is putting other people's needs above your own, other people's comfort. Above your own. Fitting in with what is around you, above your own needs, preferences, wants, desires, and true boundaries, and in ways that means that you start to become disconnected to those and to not even be sure how to be yourself and what your needs are, what your.

[00:03:02] True boundaries are. And so unmasking for me is really a journey of coming into really understanding and knowing and being intimate with yourself and being able to do that with other people. And what that means is that you start to develop a way of being around other people that isn't so anxiety inducing, and that means that you have the bandwidth in your nervous system to take on.

[00:03:31] Some of the challenges that we face, both as people with social differences, but also as people who are creative, who are maybe doing work or working in an industry or a vocation that involves a certain amount of up and down or feast or famine or uncertainty, all of which requires a lot of bandwidth in your nervous system to be able to.

[00:03:57] Move through and manage the ups and downs of the emotional rollercoaster of that, right? And so what this is really about is addressing the ways that you may be respond to time, to your energy, to other people, to external demands, to those challenges in ways that have come from years and years of not having your true self.

[00:04:27] Be accurately and positively reflected back not being affirmed in the way that you naturally do things. And so coming to coping mechanisms and ways of responding that, that actually are about suppressing those and not being yourself. And so you end up coming to a, a place where you feel like the only way that you're gonna get to make life work is through not being yourself by doing more of the same and yet more of the same.

[00:04:55] Just looks like. More burnout. More disconnection, and more recovery time. So unmasking, that's what it's about and it's, I'm calling it unschool because this is really about unlearning. It's unlearning who you are not. It's unlearning the projections from outside and the coping mechanisms in response to those projections that neither of which reflect you accurately and neither of which enable you to stay.

[00:05:24] Self connected and stay in a kind of regulated nervous system state. So this is for autistic folks, mostly late identified because there's certain patterns of masking that are more apparent or more, there's more of a pattern, but it's for anyone who identifies with autistic traits, whether or not you are officially diagnosed.

[00:05:47] I don't care about all of that stuff. Use it where you need to. This is really about you and yourself and your relationship to yourself as the foundation and the determining bar. It sets the bar for the quality of the relationship you have with everything else. And so it's about working on you, on you working on your relationship with you, and not in a kind of naval gey.

[00:06:13] Um, introspective, thinking about the past, going over the past, this is much more about. Coaching, which is all about what do you want, where are you trying to get to, what's not working that's come up in your way, and let's address that and let's address how present you are able to be in the, in the present moment with yourself and with the experiences that you are having.

[00:06:40] And so this is all about, yeah, unlearning those coping mechanisms, unlearning the false. Versions of yourself that you've used to navigate, that have kept you safe, that have been why you've been able to do what you've done so far. But now you get to emerge into something that is more reflective of who you are, especially now, especially in 2023, and all of what the world has been through and all of the.

[00:07:13] Enlarged understanding that is available in the culture right now. That is very, very quickly, and I'm saying quickly because my perspective is as someone who's, who came to the idea that I'm autistic more than I think it was about 15 years ago now I'm gonna have to count. Um, and I've seen. I've seen so many things come and go.

[00:07:39] The autistic ADV advocacy, um, autistic advocacy has been around since the seventies, and there's a lot that, um, if this is new to you that you won't be familiar with because. The loudest voices online are people who are newly diagnosed and are processing that out loud, and that's amazing, but there is so much more that comes after that initial processing that this unmasking underscore is really about.

[00:08:14] So this is for you if you've, you've done enough research, you've kind of consumed enough information, and you're like, yeah, but things aren't changing enough. This is still an issue. And you are starting to feel disheartened like, I should know what to do. And yet, um, you don't, or you're unsure, or those old habits, those old ways of being are just still there.

[00:08:39] Of course, they're still there because consuming information doesn't address them. So this is for you if that's, if any of that resonates. It's a six month program. Uh, so it's online a program. What that really means is that there's a few different ingredients. That move you through a six month journey into feeling more seen, more worthy, more self-expressed, more like you can be yourself or at least decide when you are masking, when you're not masking.

[00:09:09] And so it's really about creating self-acceptance and worthiness, and then also the kind of energy supporting structures in your life, in your relationships, the boundaries that would actually work for you. Around your autistic traits, your, your autistic status differences, right? But for a reason, which might be for you to just feel better.

[00:09:37] It might be that you're like, I actually just feel isolated everywhere, or I don't feel a sense of connection and belonging. I don't feel like I have true friendships, and that's what you are wanting to create. Or maybe you have a particular. Create a project idea that you want to launch or there's a, a job change or a vocational leap that you wanna make, or you just wanna more and more step into who you are.

[00:10:03] Now you know that you don't wanna any more waste your energy doing things that don't fit you, and you're wanting a roadmap and a, and a, a sense of clarity about how to go about that. That doesn't. Involve a ton of rabbit holes and mistakes and disasters and, or maybe you've got a relationship goal. Maybe you're wanting a relationship and you don't have one, and you know that you need to work on your own self-acceptance instead of seeking it in the relationships that you've been in.

[00:10:35] That was definitely a pattern I had to come out of, was trying to feel better by, by being in one-on-one relationships. Right. So we've got to be good in our relationship with ourself first. That is the best place to go into relationships from. Or maybe you have some sense that there is more to life, right?

[00:10:59] There is more to you. You're feeling lost, you're feeling a bit stuck. You're feeling like I just keep coming up against barriers. I keep coming up against the same problems. Or maybe you're just feeling really. Low energy and a bit burnt out, and you don't want to keep doing that. And you want to know that there are other ways to be and to live, and that that is possible, that a better quality of existence is available and you're wanting to know how, and you are wanting to see examples of that and to turn the resilience that you've already built over adapting over accommodating other people.

[00:11:38] And all of the muscle involved in that, to redeploy that into the things that you actually care about, the future that you want and to yourself. So this is a program, what does that mean? There is live coaching calls. I'm gonna talk about that in a minute. There's a course, so it's all online. It's all either over Zoom.

[00:12:02] Um, which is the live coaching, or it's in a platform that's on the internet that you gain the login for and you can move through the different modules and it takes you through a very streamlined, purposeful journey around how do you unlearn who you, who you're not. How do you unlearn those habits? Where did those habits even come from?

[00:12:25] What does it even mean to be autistic? Um, what does that mean for you personally? What are the strengths that you can start to embrace and feel proud about? What are the ways that you can start to mitigate and enable and gain support around the things that are harder? How can you create interdependence and a sense that you are seen by your life and by the people in it?

[00:12:51] And how do you create that worthiness? How do you create that self-belief? Uh, to then go on and make the kinds of choices that would honor who you really are. So all of that is what the, the, the course gives you. It gives you tools, it gives you, um, specifically, um, tools for doing that footwork, but also for working with those internalized habits of self negation.

[00:13:19] And I'm also adding some new stuff on this round, which I'm really excited about, around the nervous system and how do we, uh, work with, if we have trauma, if we have, um, things that come up in our nervous system that aren't necessarily. Memories that aren't necessarily thoughts, and yet it's still a barrier.

[00:13:40] So there's extra stuff around that that I'm adding on this round and I can't wait. Um, but, and then, so you have this course, and then the live coaching is all about taking those tools and practicing them for the specific things that you are working on. So you bring a problem, you bring something that you wanna work on, something that you wanna shift and change.

[00:14:06] And you get to practice those tools. So those tools, sorry, those skills. So there's three skills that you are gaining. That you are learning. And that's number one, the skill of being coached, which is a skill. And I say that because it can be very nerve wracking in the beginning to be coached. And the reason for that is because we are not used to, um, number one, having a space that is all about us.

[00:14:36] And the, the, where the attention and the focus is on us. So that just in itself is like, whoa, this is new. And it can also be nerve wracking because we're addressing real things. So there's a, uh, a possibility of transformation. And that transformation happens through looking at where are you in your own way.

[00:15:01] Where are you reacting, responding, or thinking about the barriers that you face in ways that maybe come from outside you, that maybe come from other people's misunderstanding and projections onto you that come from a, uh, an ableist culture or that come from the, the kind of systems and structures that we move through that represent different ideologies and agendas from the past, from imperialism.

[00:15:30] Or from, yeah, just harmful structures that we internalize and we make it mean things about ourselves. So it's really unpacking those. And so it can be nerve wracking because it's like stepping onto the edge of possibility and facing the possibility of transforming and of having a new experience of our life.

[00:15:51] So anyway, so I wanted to talk about the live coaching calls. Oh yeah. And then there's also. A group, uh, the group platform that's hosted on Discord where you can also gain coaching, but you can also just share the journey with. The other folks in the program. Um, and I wanted to talk a bit more about the fact that it's a group and why it's a group.

[00:16:15] And so I also do one-on-one coaching, but I've, I don't do very much of it. I keep that very reduced because the group is my baby, the group is my passion. And for these specific things, if you are exploring autistic identity, if you're exploring what this means for you. The group is ideal and I want to talk about why that is.

[00:16:38] Sometimes we think no, if I join a group, um, then I will have to think about who am I in that group, and I will have to think about who those other people are, and I will have to be considering my membership in the group through social dynamics. Right? And social group dynamics. If you are marginalized, if you are someone who identifies with autistic traits, I can pretty much guarantee that you've had negative group experiences.

[00:17:17] And so you will be projecting those into the idea of joining a group thinking that it will be more of that, right? And worried about am I gonna fit in? What will people think of me? Am I gonna be able to. Please and like be accepted and belong. And that's really what I want to address in this episode because it's so much not about that.

[00:17:42] And in fact, if you have that, that is a reason to join and I'm gonna tell you why. Okay? So story time, right after. Gaining my official permission slip of an autism diagnosis. I searched out autistic peer support groups. So this is like more than a decade ago. And I wanted to experience other autistic adults, right?

[00:18:08] Not just read about them or watch them on social media. And by the way, back then there wasn't TikTok and there really wasn't anyone on Instagram who was representing themselves in that light. So there were very few examples on YouTube and I watched all of them that I could find, but it was really limited, right?

[00:18:32] There's a lot of stuff about kids, a lot of like parents filming their kids, putting it that, that on the internet stuff I, that was just not things I wanted to watch. So it was like, well, what does this mean? I'm not having any pointers, any support out of this diagnosis, and I don't know anyone. I knew one person actually.

[00:18:51] Um, and so I wanted to meet other people. I wanted to experience being seen. I wanted to practice being autistic. I had this sense of like, I wanna feel seen in these sides of me that I'm newly embracing. I want to have someone who can see me, to see me, and I want to experience other people like me and connect with them and feel like I'm not just alone in this.

[00:19:17] And so this is what happened. So. I found one and contacted the person who run it, and they invited me to come along. And what happened when I joined was I ended up masking even more what, and I want to talk about why. And I, and because of that and because of what I'm gonna talk about, I ended up feeling more isolated and I ended up feeling a bit like.

[00:19:47] I didn't really fit in or I didn't really know how to navigate this. Like it was good as a one-off, but I didn't feel like these are my people, or these are people I could be friends with. They didn't feel like people I would naturally hang out with, and so I stopped going, and here's why. It's because what I really needed.

[00:20:09] Wasn't peer support. It wasn't mutual support. What I actually needed was to not be looking after anyone else's needs while I was experiencing being seen. Whoa. Big difference. So to not have to form personal friendships with other autistic people as the only way to explore who I was as an autistic person, right?

[00:20:36] To not feel like I had to fit in with the group, to not have to support anyone else and feel obligated to them, and therefore. Run those same scripts, those same ways of being around other people. That was about me putting myself lost and me trying to work out how to be in a way that would be beneficial to them, that would accommodate them.

[00:21:05] So in this group, I ended up feeling like I was doing a lot of accommodating, but completely unable to. Be in a way that meant that my needs or me being myself would be seen and accommodated. And what I really needed was the space to be selfish. In other words, to honor my actual needs and to not have to think about that.

[00:21:31] And obviously I was coming to that group with all of my own habits, with all of my own. Past experiences of being a people pleaser, being nice, putting other people at ease, like suppressing my own sense of self, and I wasn't able to come out of being that version of me in the group, despite the fact that it was all about.

[00:21:58] Acceptance and mutual support and peer support and getting to know your autistic traits. So I wanted to offer that in case that is, has been an experience of yours, is that you maybe have been to peer support groups, you've been to even autism support groups and have felt the sense that you are there to support other people, or you're there to kind of fit in or there's like a certain amount of.

[00:22:27] Obligation or expectation to look after everyone's needs. That has hindered your own experience of, okay, connecting with, I have no idea what I even need or what my way of being autistic is. And now I just feel more conscious of my own masks and my own internalized ableism and my own internalized self suppression.

[00:22:55] But I can't find the way to come out of that. So what I really needed was the space to, yeah, honor my own needs, which I felt in my body was being selfish, right? And to experience being with other people while also being with myself. So peer support groups, and I don't wanna knock them, I think they're really useful.

[00:23:19] For a certain stage and a certain um, place, and obviously they're free. And so if free is all you can access right now, then go for it. But I also want to offer that yes, the ride might be free, but you might also have to be the flight attendant and the pilot and the passenger and tend to other people while you tend to yourself, and that means that you don't necessarily get to unwind the deeper habits.

[00:23:49] Of over accommodating other people of masking and of trying to seek acceptance from other people as a way to accept yourself. Another thing that can happen with peer groups that can put us off is trauma bonding. So like this sense of shared victimhood or a shared common enemy in a way that doesn't actually empower you, it just makes you feel.

[00:24:17] More convicted in being right, like anti neurotypical or this kind of militant, us versus them, or like, we're the rebels, we are the victims. A kind of alternative culture that isn't visionary of what could be or how we might connect with, um, and be part of wider society. And so. That can be an aspect of it, right?

[00:24:46] And we see a lot of that online where there's this sense of victimhood and not of solutions, right? And so, so if there is no process, no solution, no forward motion, no vision for what's possible. Then you can end up reinforcing the very thing that you're trying to heal from, because what you're doing is making the problem more and more real, and that starts to feel like the only available reality and stops you from imagining beyond that.

[00:25:28] So. The group coaching that happens in the solar system plus siblings is, it's really not a peer support group. And there's been times in the past where folks have have wanted to understand, okay, how do I interact with the group? What is the group about? And has led me to come to this way of thinking, which is that.

[00:25:54] It's a group, but it's everyone is working on themselves in their own journey. And it's me as the coach. It's me who's responsible for each of your results, along with you being responsible for your individual results. And that means that you're not responsible for anyone else's journey, right? So you get to be selfish.

[00:26:15] In other words, honor your own needs, which isn't selfish at all. And you also get to do that while gaining the benefit of. Being in parallel with other people also on their own journey and intimately witnessing their journey of self-acceptance, right? What are the things that they bring to coaching? What are the thoughts and beliefs that they're working on, and how are they solving them?

[00:26:43] And so you gain the context of, of, for your own journey by having lots and lots of examples of other people. On their own journey, which is very similar, but it's not mutual support. It's not peer support. It's like a parallel play self-development program, right? And this means that you can witness other people having their breakthroughs and you can borrow those insights.

[00:27:11] You can apply them to your own life, but that's like a byproduct of being in a group that doesn't require anything from you. There's like no. Social obligation, right? So it's like you've paid for your flight, you've got your seat, there's other people on the flight, but you are not the flight attendant.

[00:27:30] You are not the pilot. You are on your own journey. And yes, you might make friends, you might um, start coworker groups, you might find collaborations, but the goal is the journey, right? And everyone's on their own journey. In this kind of parallel play kind of way. So I wanted to share that in case you've been fearful of having a repeat experience of groups of mutual support and peer groups and some of the sometimes unclear rules and expectations of those kinds of semi-social spaces of not knowing.

[00:28:10] When it's your turn to speak or how much space to take up or feeling like if you ask for something that you also need to, um, fulfill someone else's needs and to really invite you to something different. And what I'm offering is a space that is all about connection, but without obligation. And if that feels weird, if that feels like, ooh, cold or selfish.

[00:28:36] Because we get so accustomed to accommodating other people meeting their needs, and that that is the only way that we know how to be with other people, right, is to make sure that they're okay with us. When actually what you really need is to feel seen and to be in the experiences you're actually having and be on your own journey without.

[00:29:00] Being responsible or having to think about anyone else's comfort. And so the coaching calls are, you have direct coaching with me in front of the group as much or as little as you want it. And then there are really clear guidelines for who is coach when. And the fact that it's a group means that you are immersed in a very, um.

[00:29:28] Context, rich, autistic specific arena where it's all about self-acceptance, not group acceptance, not group support, and in which your individual journey of self-acceptance is facilitated by the process that you learn in the course by the coaching that you get with me and mirrored. And reflected in all of these parallel journeys by the other passengers who are on the same flight.

[00:29:58] And the way that I facilitate that, the way that I hold space is, number one, having a process that works. And so that process is a set of new skills. Masking is a skillset. So unmasking is really about adding new skills, new options for how to be. And the process being this streamlined journey and this specific set of tools in a way of thinking about that journey that is all about coming into a deep sense of pride and self embrace and also the skills of self coaching.

[00:30:35] I've just realized that didn't tell you the three skills. So the first skill is being coached, so I talked about that. The second skill that you learn is self coaching. Which means that you get to keep self coaching the rest of your life. What does self coaching involve? It involves you really becoming aware of your own perspective, your own working assumptions, uh, your own beliefs, and then you get lots of different tools and techniques for how to shift and transform those at a deep level.

[00:31:08] And, um, yeah, so there's different frameworks that I offer. Th uh, that are around identifying what you want and how to create it on purpose, right? And how to see how you're getting in your own way. And so that's the second skill is self-coaching. And then the third one, which is this new element I'm adding, is self-regulating.

[00:31:32] And this is all about supporting your own nervous system, becoming aware and tracking where you are at. So that. You are able to bring yourself out of that kind of, um, frenetic, high stress over workspace and you're also able to pull yourself out of freeze and stuckness. So these are the three skills.

[00:31:57] This is why I'm calling it a, a program. This is why it's a program. There's a whole bunch of tools and things that you can access. It's why it's a group program, but you really get one-on-one coaching with me. In front of the group, all you get to be on the calls and just witness other people, get coached in ways that are highly relevant and get to witness their journeys.

[00:32:19] And you also get to see other people that have been doing this a while, that have been in the program more than six months. Um, because it's lifetime access, because you get to stay in it beyond the six months and you still get to keep access to everything. It means that you are. Seeing other people who are maybe further along or, and it's not really a linear journey, but maybe they've solved some of the problems that you are working on, and so you get these examples and you get to witness how much can shift in just a very short space of time or in just one 10 minute, 20 minute, 30 minute coaching session.

[00:32:59] Um, and the impacts of that, right? We do a lot of celebrating, we do a lot of updating reporting back, and that is just as powerful because it, it gives you a real deep sense that art so much more is possible for me as well. So this is, um, really about you having an experience that is relational. Where you aren't putting other people's needs first, where it's not about needing acceptance or permission, but it's about developing that self-acceptance and self permission and the authority to step into this is who I am, this is how I like doing things, this is what works for me, and being proud in doing that and being able to bring other people into an understanding of that.

[00:33:52] Because you're not seeking permission and acceptance from them as a prerequisite, but because you all are already in self-acceptance and are just inviting them into that as well, or setting new boundaries with them if they're not willing to come with you. So everyone's on their own journey. And then the kind of space that I hold on the calls.

[00:34:13] It's really a space where however you naturally communicate in that moment, on that day, no matter how it is, no matter if it changes from call to call, is welcomed. So many of us have had to learn to hold back or like edit or spend a lot of time trying to make sure that we are not misunderstood or we need to process a whole lot of context, or we need to look.

[00:34:39] A way to hear our own thoughts. We need to pause and process what we've just heard in a different way. And sometimes it's also not about coming with the same, like nice, nice facial expressions or, uh, you know, um, being what everyone, what lots of other people. What dominant culture reads as like being pleasant and nice and friendly, and allowing yourself to come back to maybe a more flat affect or resting bitch face, or basically not having to worry about anyone else's comfort or them being offended or what you look like or how you're coming across so that you can create a new relationship with your own nervous system, with your own.

[00:35:30] Thoughts with your own experiences while with other people. What comes up for you when you are with other people? And you can start to put that as more important in your attention, in your awareness, in your focus, at least in the calls, if not in your life. And just having that space where you can be that.

[00:35:50] And you can do that, means that you then have a you, you then start to notice. More space elsewhere in your life as well. And this is also a space where asking questions or for more context is embraced and normalized. Access is a culture access intimacy, which is a term by Mia Mingus. I highly recommend you Google Access intimacy.

[00:36:17] This is really an access intimacy rich space and available without having to. Form these kind of semi-social or deep friendships first, uh, and just being able to access it straight away. And so there's this sense of vulnerability and trust that comes from being in a group coaching program from the fact that everyone's there for a particular purpose that isn't about, um, being socially responsible to each other.

[00:36:51] Even though there is a byproduct of experiencing this type of access, intimacy, this type of vulnerability, this type of connection, which is that many folks do end up finding friends and building connections, finding collaborators, but that's not the point. The fact that you get coached directly by me, not by your peers, that you aren't I responsible for their experience.

[00:37:17] It means that it's like being in a one-on-one coaching container, but then you also have this additional pride inducing possibility, expanding context, rich parallel journeys around you that gives you a whole bunch more for your own journey, and then the experience of being witnessed while you are being coached and having other people.

[00:37:46] Um, benefit from that also teaches you and shows you how much value is in your lived experience, how much you aren't alone in them, and gives you that sense of connection and means that things can be shared, but you aren't having people trying to rescue you or stop you from feeling what you're feeling.

[00:38:07] But instead you are held to trust yourself to come back to what you already know. But we're maybe just never affirmed in or reflected back accurately and positively. This is where you get to be reflected back positively and accurately while you staying in self connection and without you having to negotiate that acceptance from other people.

[00:38:31] So things are shared on those calls, like fears, problems, beliefs, barriers, relationship in issues, friendship issues, family issues, work issues, money issues, and all facets of life, right? And the coaching is about helping you see where your own socialized habits and patterns of thinking and responding are.

[00:38:59] Are what's holding you back. Right. And it's, this is, I have no idea what those are. When someone comes up for coaching, it's re really about me asking certain questions and us opening up all of the thinking and the logic and the, the ways that you maybe have been addressing those problems or dealing with them and you being able to see that.

[00:39:25] And therefore become aware of, okay, actually that's not my only option. Where are you second guessing yourself? Where are you doubting yourself? Where are you being apologetic? And also, where are you believing things about yourself based on past experiences, based on old selves, based on old thinking, based on other people's opinions, and really coming back into your own.

[00:39:53] And connecting with who you get to be next, what you did next in response to what was hard, what didn't work, and inventing what will this type of so-called selfishness that isn't selfishness that you get to experience is the thing that you need to feel in your body is okay to do. Like you need a space where you get to be that level of so-called selfish where you get to be in a relational space.

[00:40:22] Where you're prioritizing self connection and you're prioritizing your own needs, and when it, when you have that, it means that when you go back into your life, into your other relationships, there is a, a deeper level of comfort with bringing your own needs into those. Right. With bringing your own sense of self-assurance with, with feeling like, yeah, my needs aren't just preferences.

[00:40:48] They are real and legitimate and valid, and so are my strengths, so are my traits. So are the ways that I naturally do things, and it means that if other people have a problem with it, then you have so much more bandwidth and then you also gain the tools that we work on to address that in a way that doesn't mean that you go into spirals of self-doubt or shame.

[00:41:17] But you can just address it and put a pin in it and set a boundary, new boundary if you need to. Or quite often what people experience is that your, the level of acceptance that you have in yourself allows you to bring other people into that in a much more, um, comfortable way. Because there isn't so much at stake.

[00:41:46] There isn't like your whole self and your sense of validity at stake in however they respond. You are good with you. And so it takes all the pressure off them needing to accept you or not understand or not and means that. Your ability to navigate friendships and relationships as someone who doesn't necessarily fit with the majority becomes so much stronger.

[00:42:17] So this means that your truth, your lived experience, it feels real. It isn't a bad thing. It's not a thing to be ashamed of who you are is valid. And this whole program is about you coming to not just knowing it intellectually, which is what all the research online does, but you knowing it in your body, like in your bones, in your, in your felt sense of who you are because you've been in a relational space with a coach and alongside other people that where you get to relearn how to.

[00:42:56] Be in self connection while with others, and having a process and a framework that are all rooted in your legitimacy, in you owning your own truth, dismantling and pulling out at the roots, all of the reasons why we've come to feel like we aren't enough and all the reasons why you are enough. Why those are just fictions.

[00:43:23] And so having that process, having the course, having the frameworks, and then having the live coaching where you get to then apply it bit by bit, change by change, belief by belief, one at a time, one little shift at a time, and get real long lasting change. So this is not a peer group. This is not a mutual support group.

[00:43:48] This is support from me as your coach with the amplification of witnessing others go through their own journey, being witnessed by other people on a similar journey without owing them anything, without negotiating for acceptance and relearning how to be in a space that is trusting, that is full of connection.

[00:44:12] And so this is what it is all about for me. Coaching is that for me, it's holding non-judgmental space that is all about you coming back to your truth and you not becoming someone else, but you becoming. Unlearning who you're not in order to become more and more of who you are. So it means that this isn't about what I think.

[00:44:35] It's not about my truth as a coach. It's not me telling you what to do. It's not me telling you who you are, but it's already believing in you. 'cause I do. And it's holding that belief so that you have a relational space that you can. Go back into yourself and relearn how to take up space in your own body, honor your own natural style of being and communicating, and having somewhere where you get to be in those impulses and those natural ways of being more and more so that somewhere in your life you have that and what the impact of that is.

[00:45:13] That masking then isn't the only available automated habitual way of showing up. But it's just one in a, an array of options that you already have in your nervous system. And guess what? Your relationships outside of the group will transform as a result because you're no longer seeking, as I said, to be accepted by them or believed because you've already gained self-acceptance and you already have the experience of self connection with others, and you are embodying it, right?

[00:45:47] More and more. And knowing what's important for you to communicate, and eventually the people in your life will catch up, right? The relationships that you have, they will catch up because they'll see your new levels of conviction and pride and self-assurance, and also because you'll be communicating more accurately, setting boundaries more accurately.

[00:46:14] Because you've had the experience of sensing and feeling and honoring all of that while in the group program. So I'm gonna finish it there and just invite you to know that this is your boarding call for that journey of coming back to yourself, knowing how to be that self with others. The link is in the show notes.

[00:46:36] And I invite you to consider the impact of this on your life, on your future, on your relationships, on you, knowing how to manage your time and energy on you. Having an experience of yourself in your life that is better. And what would that do if you knew that you could create that in the next six months and that you knew that you had a support system and you had somewhere to go.

[00:47:06] Where you weren't gonna be judged, where you already believed in and where you can address the things that you're facing. Without having to self suppress or be something that you are not. Alright, sibling, I can't wait to see you in the program. If you decide to join, if you have any questions, if you're on the fence, if you're not sure, please email me.

[00:47:31] Hello at Solar Systems xyz and that email address, I'll put it in the show notes as well. We sometimes need to ask a lot of questions to make these kinds of decisions, and some of you, you just already know and it feels like a decision that you know you wanna make. And it's just a bit scary because you, you've never made a decision like this.

[00:47:54] And so for you, I want to encourage you to know that the best money I've ever spent has been on coaching and has been on experiencing a space where it gets to be about me. And my journey and my development and where I get to examine and have reflected back all of the ways that I'm just getting in my own way or doubting myself.

[00:48:18] And all of the coaching I've had has not been autistic specific. And I'm saying that because. I wish I'd had this. I wish I'd had me and it took me 10 years or so, and I don't want it to take you that long. So how about six months? So if you are feeling nervous, if it feels like a new decision, if you've never been coached before, if you've never joined a program like this before, know that it's supposed to feel scary.

[00:48:50] And the reason I'm saying that is because. To create change, to get a new result in your life, you have to start making new decisions and doing things differently. So I'll leave it at that and love you lots and I'll talk to you very soon.