1 00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:03,370 This episode includes the discussion of sensitive topics 2 00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:07,240 related to mental health and may be activating for some viewers. 3 00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:09,376 We encourage you to take care of yourself. for support and resources. 4 00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:11,244 For support and resources 5 00:00:11,244 --> 00:00:14,948 Please visit BEAM.COMMUNITY/GETHELPNOW 6 00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:16,649 Hey, what's up, everybody? 7 00:00:16,649 --> 00:00:20,620 I'm YOLO. And I'm Natalie. And this is Black Healing Remix, the podcast. 8 00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:21,855 (music plays) 9 00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,057 Well, really, the opportunity is to think about 10 00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:28,294 what does sex and what is intimacy do in a relationship, right? 11 00:00:28,294 --> 00:00:30,263 What does that do to our emotional wellness? 12 00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:34,467 And, you know, obviously we ain’t always datin’ probably the best people 13 00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:36,669 we should be dating. Speak for yourself. 14 00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:39,039 Natalie: Okay, I’m not always... 15 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,573 My statement, I get it. Ok... 16 00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:45,145 Um, you know, I think when we look back at our dating history, 17 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:50,116 our lovers, the people that we've been intimate with, sometimes 18 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:54,521 there's a lot of distress that comes out of these unstable relationships. 19 00:00:54,587 --> 00:00:57,424 A lack of communication, a lack of clarity and transparency. 20 00:00:57,424 --> 00:01:02,796 I know that in my early twenties, dating was a hot mess, right? 21 00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:05,265 And as I've gotten older, I've been able to make better choices. 22 00:01:05,265 --> 00:01:07,200 But that doesn't mean that there's not stuff 23 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,804 that comes up in the context of dating, relationships and sex. 24 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:14,407 And so, how do we talk about our mental health in connection 25 00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:18,945 to the lovers we take I know or the choices we make to not take? 26 00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:22,382 I know I would love to begin this conversation with thinking about 27 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:27,320 what are some of the primary factors that lead us to choose partners we choose. 28 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:31,825 I'm thinking about like, you know, from a psychological perspective, right? 29 00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:37,130 Like how we often are attracted to people who often imbue patterns or behaviors 30 00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:37,597 that are similar 31 00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:39,966 to those of the primary caregivers we grew up around. 32 00:01:39,966 --> 00:01:40,934 Meaning we datin’ 33 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:44,671 the people that are like our family, like our parents, right? 34 00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:47,707 Or other people might be an aunty, might be like an uncle or 35 00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:50,243 Whoever is the people that brought you up 36 00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:50,777 Yeah. 37 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:54,514 Sometimes that becomes the comfort, the norm for us. 38 00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:57,117 And if we're not working to unpack that, 39 00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,086 then oftentimes it shows up in our romantic relationships 40 00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:03,223 Because we kind of we embody what has been modeled for us. 41 00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:03,923 Natalie: Absolutely 42 00:02:03,923 --> 00:02:07,827 Right, and so we often sometimes will take on the roles of one of the primary 43 00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:10,830 caregivers. Or sometimes, you know, in different dynamics. 44 00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:14,534 And some of those dynamics, unfortunately, aren't always healthy. 45 00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:17,137 Aren’t always loving. 46 00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:19,038 And if you don't 47 00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:19,572 have the if 48 00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:22,675 you don't have the skills, tools or resources to be able to discern, like, 49 00:02:22,842 --> 00:02:26,579 why am I attracted to these kinds of people, why am I choosing these people? 50 00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:27,780 It's not an attraction 51 00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:30,750 Because we attracted a whole bunch of people, but who do I choose? 52 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,418 That's the important piece. 53 00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:33,753 And why do I keep choosing them? 54 00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:35,622 And what is that about for me? 55 00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:37,524 And I think the additional layer 56 00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:41,661 and I think, you know, as a, as a person who has been cultured as a woman, 57 00:02:41,761 --> 00:02:45,965 it's actually not been taught to me that I get to choose. 58 00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:48,902 But that it's actually about me being chosen. 59 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:51,604 And so who likes me best, right? 60 00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:54,207 And so sometimes it's the love bombing,right? 61 00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:56,109 It's the person who will be obsessed with you, 62 00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:59,379 which we obviously in later years, you realize, like, whoa, that is not it. 63 00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:00,346 Right? 64 00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:04,350 But in my early twenties, in my teens, it was whoever showed me the most attention. 65 00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,753 Then I was like, “Oh, I got to date this person.” 66 00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:07,620 “Oh, they like me.” 67 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:11,724 I'm obligated to like them back simply because they like me, 68 00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:15,195 as opposed to what I learned later where I get to choose. 69 00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:18,364 And also, what does that mean, right? 70 00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:21,568 When we do get to choose and we are aware of that, 71 00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:25,205 what is the societal pressure that comes with 72 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,739 You better choose the right thing. 73 00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:27,774 Right. 74 00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:29,642 And all of those layers 75 00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:32,679 And it's no different for you as a woman, and me, as a queer person, right? 76 00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:34,147 Like having receiving like zero 77 00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:38,351 to none to zero messaging around relationships and dynamics, right? 78 00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:42,155 Like, I mean, I can look at my relationship history 79 00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:47,260 and see clear delineations connected to, you know, the people who raised me. 80 00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:50,830 I can see how one partner in particular, 81 00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:56,736 you know, I in that relationship, I walked on eggshells around him. 82 00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:59,672 He had an explosive temper, 83 00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:02,575 but that felt familiar to what I grew up with. 84 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:03,943 You're like, I know how to navigate this. 85 00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:08,281 And so and also, as in my own little inner child was deeply in that relationship 86 00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:11,251 because, you know, as a child, I thought I was responsible 87 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:14,254 for the anger of the people, the adults in my life. 88 00:04:14,454 --> 00:04:17,824 And it was something that I was bad, why they were kind of like explosive. 89 00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:20,860 And so in their relationship, I found myself in this dynamic 90 00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:24,230 with this man where he was explosive all the time and I felt responsible. 91 00:04:24,230 --> 00:04:25,164 And he, 92 00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:30,103 through his own stuff, made me responsible for every explosive moment he had. 93 00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:33,640 And so here I am, caught up in this trauma bond, essentially, right? 94 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,110 Where it feels...and I think one thing people talk about, like you can be 95 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:40,113 in these really, quote-unquote, we could say toxic dynamics. 96 00:04:40,179 --> 00:04:42,448 But they also feel like home and they feel familiar. 97 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:43,149 Absolutely. 98 00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:48,121 They feel like the shame you know. They can feel, the unpredictability of them 99 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:52,458 the way this wavering like is up and down, that even that that wave 100 00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:55,061 can be something you can become very enmeshed in 101 00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:56,896 and like and crave 102 00:04:56,896 --> 00:04:58,331 And give you purpose. 103 00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,667 In many ways. If you don't have 104 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:04,237 other things that feel pressing and important and compelling. 105 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,972 Now this drama 106 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:09,942 and now this churning in the relationship becomes the thing that gives you purpose. 107 00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:10,510 “Oh, well, 108 00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:13,112 I know I have to call them at this time because if I don't, they get upset.” 109 00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:14,247 Right? 110 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:18,284 All of these different pieces where it's like, “Oh, huh, that's a dynamic.” 111 00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:22,221 And when we look back, there's probably a connection between the dynamics 112 00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:25,892 that we're currently experiencing or maybe previously experiencing to our 113 00:05:25,958 --> 00:05:26,592 home life. 114 00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:30,296 Yeah, I mean, like for me, also another dynamic in relationships is 115 00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:34,133 I learned very early on that 116 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,569 to appease and dismiss 117 00:05:36,569 --> 00:05:39,572 my experience in the favor of men's anger. 118 00:05:39,572 --> 00:05:40,640 Right. 119 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:41,174 That would that 120 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:46,412 if men were where men were angry then like it didn't matter what I felt, 121 00:05:46,479 --> 00:05:48,247 it was really what they needed. 122 00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:53,353 I mean, not I hear you on this one because for me it's about safety. 123 00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:55,888 If a man gets angry, 124 00:05:55,888 --> 00:05:58,491 what is my physical safety like? 125 00:05:58,491 --> 00:06:04,397 So I just de-escalate to be safe and I circle back when I got to strategy 126 00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:08,067 about how I'm going to do this and navigate this right. 127 00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:10,770 And so I think many of us are cultured in this way of like 128 00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:15,541 if a man, particularly is upset now becomes a physical threat 129 00:06:15,608 --> 00:06:19,645 and that becomes the dominating thing or the dominating voice 130 00:06:19,712 --> 00:06:23,049 doesn't matter actually, what the logistics of the situation were. 131 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,852 If I'm legitimate in feeling whatever, because we know 132 00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:27,019 our feelings are valid, right? 133 00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:30,623 Even if the dynamics are murky, how I feel is actually valid. 134 00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:33,226 Equally yours too. 135 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,994 But we know that that doesn't always play out 136 00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:38,798 when we think about gender, when we think about physical size, 137 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:42,402 when we think about all of inner strength and all of those different things, 138 00:06:42,502 --> 00:06:43,469 it gets muddy. 139 00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:45,204 It does get muddy. 140 00:06:45,204 --> 00:06:50,977 I think about the ways in which there were men in my community who 141 00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:54,647 had tempers, which I think connected to depression and a lot of other things. 142 00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:57,016 that were navigating, right? Pressures in society. 143 00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:58,618 The ways also I was taught 144 00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:02,722 very early on to dismiss and pretend like it's not as bad as you think it is. 145 00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:04,924 And I see that with a lot of families I work with. 146 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:08,761 The communities we work with is that, it's like you have 147 00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:11,564 it's not even just know as it's a man, it's not his mom, it's whoever. 148 00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:15,168 But thes coping strategy is to pretend that it's not that bad. 149 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:19,772 And then like ending up in relationships where you learn to gaslight yourself 150 00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:24,110 the same way you were gaslit by the people around you to be like, It's not that bad 151 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:29,515 when he or she or they are doing something abusive, harmful, hurtful to you. 152 00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:32,084 You know, because it becomes the threshold and standard. 153 00:07:32,084 --> 00:07:32,618 Right? 154 00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:34,220 And this important piece to today, 155 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:37,824 when you’re raised and reared in volatile environments, 156 00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:39,759 your threshold for what constitutes 157 00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:43,362 pain and harm is different from someone who may not be in the same volatility. 158 00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:44,764 Like if you were raising a family, 159 00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:48,734 or community where people cursing and throwing things is the standard 160 00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:52,071 then like your baseline for what harm is, is is here. 161 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,441 But if you’re raised in a community where like that's not the standard, when no one 162 00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:58,411 even yells, then you're completely like, what's going on? 163 00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,011 Right. 164 00:07:59,011 --> 00:08:03,483 But if you if you were raised on this threshold that you don't even see that as violence. 165 00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:07,820 And you see it's an expectation. That this is the way we communicate. 166 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,789 “Oh, it's fine because this is the way we communicate” 167 00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:14,093 And I'm like, whoa, But like, what does that psychologically do to us over time? 168 00:08:14,093 --> 00:08:17,663 And then also, I think about very often when you're in your first good 169 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,999 relationship, right, Whatever that is. 170 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:23,836 But you know, when you're in their first relationship that feels more mature 171 00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:28,641 with a person who can like, appropriately communicate with you is tender 172 00:08:28,741 --> 00:08:31,110 and you have been conditioned to fight. 173 00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:32,512 Yes, come on, say it. 174 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,413 And you're like, “No, but I don't like” 175 00:08:34,413 --> 00:08:36,182 And they're like, “I'm sorry that you feel that way.” 176 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:39,785 “I'm sorry that I am validating you.” And you're like... 177 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:40,620 What? 178 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:41,521 Now what? 179 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:42,388 Because it's boring. 180 00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:45,391 It's also like because you're almost like 181 00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:47,593 not so much of an addiction, but it is almost like you're 182 00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:51,197 you're, you're pulled into the churning and the chaos. 183 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:54,967 And so when the chaos is not present, you don't know how to relate because 184 00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:58,471 because relating in home and intimacy, the way it was modeled for you 185 00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:00,907 is through that chaos. 186 00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:02,308 And so you just like, “What is this?” 187 00:09:02,308 --> 00:09:03,009 “This isn't real.” 188 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:03,809 “Y'all can't be real.” 189 00:09:03,809 --> 00:09:06,078 “Y’all fake because this ain’t this” 190 00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:10,449 For me, the first time that happened, I just remembered, like, the anger 191 00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:14,053 and the rage was in my body still. 192 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,556 Even though the conflict was over. 193 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,089 Yeah. 194 00:09:17,089 --> 00:09:20,793 And I was like, “So what am I supposed to do with that?” 195 00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:22,161 Where does this go now? 196 00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:24,630 Because usually where it goes is we go back and forth. 197 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:25,197 Yep, yep. 198 00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:26,999 And then one of us goes, “I'm tired of this” 199 00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:29,101 You know, whatever the dynamics are, right? 200 00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:32,505 And then it's over because someone walked away. 201 00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:35,241 But when no one walks away 202 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:39,712 and it's over because someone apologized, who, but you still got all this churning 203 00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:42,415 you like and they like, “Are you just, you want to watch a movie now?” 204 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:46,352 And you’re like, “No, I don't even know how to sit still right now.” 205 00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,321 Like, “I don't know how to be with this.” 206 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,958 And I think a lot of times when we're in our first like adult relationships 207 00:09:52,024 --> 00:09:57,330 and our first, you know, like healing journey relationships, that is so, so, 208 00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,698 so challenging. 209 00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:00,499 Disorienting because all because now you have the space. 210 00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:01,033 What happens is 211 00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:04,804 like when you get into a dynamic, whether it's a romantic or even not romantic, 212 00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:07,907 sometimes friendships. You get into a dynamic where like there is 213 00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:11,544 space and tenderness and care and you haven't been to spaces like that. 214 00:10:11,711 --> 00:10:15,147 It's like now all of your stuff has an opportunity to rise to the surface 215 00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:19,218 and you become more aware like, “Oh wait, I am actually really traumatized 216 00:10:19,218 --> 00:10:21,120 by how much men have lied to me.” 217 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,321 And Gaslit me. 218 00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:26,258 And now I'm starting to look for ways in which gaslighting and lying are happening 219 00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:27,293 in your behavior. 220 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,062 I'm starting to even like because that's about our brain, that's our fear response, 221 00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:33,866 trauma response. Our brains are literally, like, “This feels familiar.” 222 00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:37,303 So, you know, like, so it starts looking for the alert. 223 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:41,340 And sometimes what happens with trauma, as we know, is it distorts our vision. 224 00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:44,276 So we start seeing things through that lens and we're looking at like, 225 00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:47,046 “Oh, that hat is purple.” “Like girl, that's a pink hat.” 226 00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:48,714 But you see purple like, “No, it's purple.” 227 00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:49,415 “I know it's purple.” 228 00:10:49,415 --> 00:10:52,051 Then you find out it’s pink and you feel like, “Oh my goodness.” 229 00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:52,652 Right. 230 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,521 Because you've been conditioned in an environment 231 00:10:55,521 --> 00:10:58,524 where lying and and dishonesty and betrayal 232 00:10:58,691 --> 00:11:03,195 and all those things are so enmeshed that this feels foreign 233 00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:06,265 And that oftentimes we're not naming it those things, 234 00:11:06,465 --> 00:11:09,001 We’re naming it as a culture like “This is what the way things are,” right? 235 00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:11,303 We just say like, ”Oh he ain’t shit.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. 236 00:11:11,303 --> 00:11:15,274 We're like, “Oh, I'm off that.” Or we just name it some like phrase, 237 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,309 but we don't say like, I actually felt betrayed. 238 00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:17,843 Yeah, right. 239 00:11:18,377 --> 00:11:20,680 Right. Like I think about cheating culture, right? 240 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,849 And how often people are cheating on each other and breaking 241 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:28,087 the kind of trust and agreements that they made with each other 242 00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:31,424 and people, we just go like, “Oh, you know, that that's how that is.” 243 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:34,427 I hear women say all the time, “I expect to be cheated on.” 244 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,795 “I just don't want to be embarrassed.” 245 00:11:35,795 --> 00:11:37,630 “But I expect to be cheated on.” 246 00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:43,035 And I'm like, well, yeah, if this is what we got to expect, like, 247 00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:44,370 It's like, we can't expect. 248 00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:45,271 It's almost as if we don't. 249 00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:49,275 We believe that the expectation that someone would communicate to me 250 00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:53,746 their sexual needs, to communicate to me what they need or what they want 251 00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:57,650 that is so unrealistic and “wow” that I have to custom myself 252 00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:00,453 to betrayal and dishonesty, which is always been a big thing for me. 253 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,887 Because I'm just like, “Oh, that’s a struggle for me.” 254 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,156 Like, you know, because I'm always like, Look, I've been in relationships. 255 00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:05,624 I'm like, If I want to have sex with somebody else, 256 00:12:05,624 --> 00:12:06,992 I'll have a conversation with you. 257 00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:10,229 Let you know, “Hey, look, we might need to break this off.” 258 00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:13,299 Here's like, because, like, because to me, relationships are contracts. 259 00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:13,766 Yeah. 260 00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:16,736 So just like any other contract, you put in the clauses that you need 261 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,503 for your well-being. 262 00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:20,072 And if somebody don't want to sign a contract, don't sign on. 263 00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:23,476 If my contract says, guess what, “I am in a poly dynamic, I'm monogamous” 264 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:27,179 or whatever, or “I need to have a weekend in Rio for” or whatever. 265 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:30,015 Like I would rather have the upfront honesty, 266 00:12:30,015 --> 00:12:34,253 then live my life under the high blood pressure, producing anxiety, depression, 267 00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:37,323 producing sneakiness of hiding and lying and pretending 268 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:38,724 like it's not than being dishonest. 269 00:12:38,724 --> 00:12:40,326 Because that destroys families. 270 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:42,728 And I think what pisses me off a lot about that, 271 00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:44,463 the cheating culture thing is I have so many people 272 00:12:44,463 --> 00:12:45,531 I know I see on Twitter 273 00:12:45,531 --> 00:12:48,534 and social media, talk all this shit about care, about mental health. 274 00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:49,835 I see there are few things 275 00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:55,407 that destroy people's self-esteem, a sense of self-worth, than betrayal, 276 00:12:55,474 --> 00:12:59,411 than dishonesty, than like manipulation. 277 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,947 And on one hand you say, “Oh, I'm going to help.” 278 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,284 But everything you are doing otherwise is about this level of dishonesty. 279 00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:09,622 It's not encouraging men, women, all of us, to be like, “Say it with your chest.” 280 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:10,990 “And live it with your chest.” 281 00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:15,761 And living it with our chest is hard if ain’t done no work. 282 00:13:15,761 --> 00:13:16,896 Yolo: That's true. Natalie: Right? 283 00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:20,766 You get in these dynamics and I think about that as it relates to sex, right? 284 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:24,503 One of the things that I establish pretty early on in my like sexual 285 00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:28,340 life was having a pre and post sex conversation. 286 00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:32,444 And almost 99% 287 00:13:32,444 --> 00:13:35,848 of the people that I have slept with shout out to you all, 288 00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:38,484 You're winning. 289 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,853 But but, but in all seriousness, 290 00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:47,359 99% of people are like you want to talk about it before 291 00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:49,261 and then you also want to talk about it after. 292 00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:50,529 Like “What are we going to talk about?” 293 00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:53,532 And I'm like, “Pleasure. What you like.” 294 00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:57,069 And for me, I'm like, if you can't articulate 295 00:13:57,136 --> 00:14:00,072 what feels good to you, what consent means. 296 00:14:00,072 --> 00:14:02,474 If you can't, like, communicate those things, 297 00:14:02,474 --> 00:14:05,377 then how do I know that I'm actually holding you in dignity? 298 00:14:05,377 --> 00:14:07,112 How do I actually know at the end of this 299 00:14:07,112 --> 00:14:09,448 that this has been a pleasurable experience? 300 00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:12,184 Or do we just do whatever our bodies do? 301 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:16,255 And then we did and just go, “Well, it was what it was, what it was.” 302 00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:21,293 And I think for me, I'm like, I'm not satisfied with that low bar. 303 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,063 I'm like, I want a full experience. 304 00:14:24,063 --> 00:14:27,066 I want to forget about all the other things that's happening. 305 00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:30,903 I want to be like, “Oh, yes, this was the thing I wanted to do today.” 306 00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:32,872 And if I don't feel like that, I'm kind of like, 307 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:37,276 “Okay, I guess” like if we can't lock in, what are we doing? 308 00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:39,345 Yeah, no, I'm with you. 309 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,780 I think like dating black gay men and quer men 310 00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:43,282 that has been rough, right? 311 00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:48,854 Because I feel like a lot of black men, so much of the self esteem is built on sex 312 00:14:49,588 --> 00:14:50,756 Like you may not be 313 00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:53,058 you may not be, you may not have a job, you may not have the money. 314 00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:54,593 But I can lay it down. 315 00:14:54,593 --> 00:14:56,629 And we're all saying 316 00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,497 that people say they can lay it down 317 00:14:58,497 --> 00:15:02,368 but I got some receipts that say other things Yolo: I'm telling you. 318 00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:04,303 So...but that's the whole thing. A lot of black men. 319 00:15:04,303 --> 00:15:06,272 So like but what ends up happening is the reason you don't want 320 00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:07,840 they won’t ask the questions 321 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,476 Because they don’t want to find that they actually can’t lay it down 322 00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:14,313 because your self-esteem is built on this kind of like, shaky system 323 00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:19,351 of not asking, assuming like, you know, all the performative orgasms, 324 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,020 you know, I mean, like 325 00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:23,889 because I perform some orgasms, tell ‘em like, “Bruh, this needs to be over.” 326 00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:24,390 Natalie: Awards. 327 00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:28,193 I'm about to give you..I've got Soul Train awards It was like “best performance 328 00:15:28,193 --> 00:15:30,796 of a fake ass orgasm with this triflin’ n...” Yolo 329 00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:33,465 Like, you know what I mean? Like, literally, like, literally. 330 00:15:33,465 --> 00:15:34,566 I was up there with Ashanti like 331 00:15:34,566 --> 00:15:36,368 What up?? Natalie: Oh, my God, 332 00:15:36,368 --> 00:15:38,837 Not with Ashanti, but she got a Soul Train award. 333 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:42,508 But no, I think that, like, you know, it's interesting even talking about that. 334 00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:45,110 Like, I remember even in my early sex life, 335 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:48,580 like I'm short, I'm like, you know, moderately light skinned. 336 00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:49,915 I know whatever, whatever you want to call it. 337 00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:51,784 Depends on what color, I be like, right? 338 00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:52,918 And, you know, 339 00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:57,156 really being pushed into being like, “Oh, you must like receptive anal sex.” 340 00:15:57,222 --> 00:16:01,093 And that was really and really being like and me being like, “I don’t know if I like it” 341 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,294 I don't know yet that. 342 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,329 But gay culture 343 00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:03,996 Natalie: That’s what y’all tell me. 344 00:16:03,996 --> 00:16:04,830 Gay culture being like 345 00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:07,833 “This is what you will like, this is what you will enjoy.” 346 00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:11,937 And I remember like having sex and being like, “This kind of wasn't, this wasn’t it.” 347 00:16:12,104 --> 00:16:14,006 But I remember this is such an interesting intersection. 348 00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:17,743 I think we talked about before, one of my good girlfriends, straight woman, 349 00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:20,446 I remember telling her I was like, “Hey, look, I had sex 350 00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:23,782 with this dud and I didn't like it that much.” She said, “Oh, you're not supposed to like it.” 351 00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:25,250 “You like it because he likes it.” 352 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,086 “That's how penetration is.” 353 00:16:27,086 --> 00:16:28,620 And I was like, “Oh shit.” 354 00:16:28,620 --> 00:16:31,657 And I'm in college thinking this and thinking that, and for years 355 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,360 thought I was like, “Oh yeah, you just like it, they like it.” 356 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,929 And you ain’t supposed to like it. You supposed to like cus they like it. 357 00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:39,732 I know, it’s so deep, right? 358 00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:42,935 Because then you think about like straight women orgasms and the levels 359 00:16:42,968 --> 00:16:45,571 the low levels of straight women who actually have orgasms. 360 00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:47,906 Right? Natalie: Low. 361 00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:51,310 And then you're thinking about the ways in which also women and receptive 362 00:16:51,310 --> 00:16:52,778 sexual partners are conditioned 363 00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:55,781 to not really like what's happening, but to just give pleasure to whoever, 364 00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:59,952 But also because no one is talking and that no one I know these are, 365 00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:00,919 you know what I'm saying? 366 00:17:00,919 --> 00:17:04,556 But like, how many people are actually talking about 367 00:17:04,623 --> 00:17:09,028 and can say, this is what feels pleasurable to my body? 368 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,463 I like this kind of touch. 369 00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:16,068 And equally, if you shared that with your partner, would they be receptive? 370 00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,803 Yeah, because I've shared with partners. 371 00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:21,540 “Hey, I don't really like when you do X, y, z, like the intensity 372 00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:24,243 or I don't like this thing or whatever” and they like, “That's what I do.” 373 00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:26,178 And I'm like, “Oh, well then you got to do it 374 00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:30,849 with somebody else” because this ain't, this ain't that. 375 00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:32,117 I don't want that. 376 00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:36,155 And now we are an impasse because what you thought was a vibe 377 00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:37,656 I now have feedback for. 378 00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:40,192 (music plays) 379 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:42,494 You know, it's so interesting cause I don't think that I think across 380 00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:44,463 like sexual orientation in the black community 381 00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:48,167 and gender identity, many of us just don't get... 382 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,903 So we learn about how to have sex from porn. 383 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:51,804 Oh, right. 384 00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:54,339 And what sex should look like from porn. If we're honest... 385 00:17:54,339 --> 00:17:56,108 It is a video shoot. 386 00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:58,777 They try to get the best lighting And the best... 387 00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:00,145 It's not about pleasure. 388 00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:00,846 But what happens 389 00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:02,681 is everyone's trying to, a lot of people 390 00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:04,683 are trying to get into that performative ritual. 391 00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:07,820 I can tell you how many times I'm like, you know, had casual intimacy with people. 392 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,656 I'm like, You can feel the script. Okay, I'm doing this. 393 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:11,423 To the left. To the right. 394 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:15,360 Like, you can feel the omnipresent camera there because we're doing the script 395 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,463 and we're not actually honoring what we like. 396 00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:18,330 We're not communicating. 397 00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:19,364 We haven't even explored it. 398 00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:20,599 We haven't explored it. 399 00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,801 And I think that like there's a lot of fear about talking about that. 400 00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:24,303 But I be like, “So tell me, how was that for you?” 401 00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:25,971 “Oh, Why you want to talk about it?” 402 00:18:25,971 --> 00:18:27,039 I'm like, “Wait, what?” 403 00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,941 Like, let's just have a conversation. 404 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:33,312 Because I think once again, sex is a very like a lot of folks 405 00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:37,716 hold a lot of shame around sex, a lot of fear of hearing things about sex, 406 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,452 you know, and so, like, it's tricky for people. 407 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,453 Oh, of course. 408 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:44,623 And not to say that it is not tricky for us. 409 00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:46,592 Yolo: Right. Right. Yes, right. Natalie: I think about that. 410 00:18:46,592 --> 00:18:50,496 A lot of my sexual history is tainted by sexual violence. 411 00:18:50,496 --> 00:18:51,763 Right? 412 00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:57,369 That at a very early age, that was my introduction to pleasure. 413 00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:58,070 Right. 414 00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:01,073 Is being molested as a young person. Right? 415 00:19:01,273 --> 00:19:05,043 I'm thinking about the many, many times that has happened in adulthood, right. 416 00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:10,182 Where I'm like, “I did not say, yes, this was this is not what was happening.” 417 00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:13,952 And now you put me in this awkward ass position to have to either 418 00:19:13,952 --> 00:19:19,892 physically fight you or to take the L and be like, 419 00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:21,126 “Here we go again.” 420 00:19:21,126 --> 00:19:24,963 With another person who is not trying to be present 421 00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:28,233 understand, isn’t like, I'm I'm an object. 422 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,435 I'm not a whole human. Right? 423 00:19:30,435 --> 00:19:31,637 I ain't got no heartbeat. 424 00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:34,640 I'm just a thing for you to be experiencing right now. 425 00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:37,209 And I think about how 426 00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:41,013 how I've had to work through so much of that trauma around 427 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:44,183 like some of those sexual experiences being violent 428 00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:47,286 and others being things where it's like slealthing, right? 429 00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:49,922 Where it's like we agree to use a condom. 430 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:55,494 And then I discover, Oh, you, you actually took it off in the midst of this. 431 00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:58,564 And now I'm left unprotected, number one. 432 00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:02,234 And number two, like, I can agree to this. Now you done created a whole... 433 00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:04,303 Now I got to get the plan B. I got to... 434 00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:06,538 Now you've made my life so much more complicated. 435 00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:09,041 And are you willing to take responsibility for that? 436 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,442 For that, that's what happened. 437 00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:14,246 And I think in the experience of like having this experience of being self, 438 00:20:14,313 --> 00:20:17,316 I went back to him and I was like, 439 00:20:17,449 --> 00:20:21,119 Hey, so I just want to like check in the next day. 440 00:20:21,186 --> 00:20:24,723 And I said, you know, I said, “What was the experience like for you?” 441 00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:25,724 And he was like, “This is amazing.” 442 00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:28,026 “And I'm so excited and so glad we're dating.” 443 00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:31,730 And I was like, “Well, I have to be honest, that was not my experience at all.” 444 00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:34,433 And he was like, “What do you mean?” 445 00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:35,300 And I was like, 446 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:39,104 “Well I agreed to have sex with a condom” 447 00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:43,542 and later discovered that that's not actually what happened fully. 448 00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:45,210 And so, like, “that's not okay with me.” 449 00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:47,713 And he's like, “Well, what are you trying to say?” 450 00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:50,182 And I was like, “Exactly what I said” 451 00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:52,484 that, like, “the agreement was broken” 452 00:20:52,484 --> 00:20:57,189 and now you've put me in a risk that I was not willing to have 453 00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:00,125 and now have put me in a position to potentially be pregnant, 454 00:21:00,125 --> 00:21:05,197 to be potentially exposed to STDs, to be potentially all kinds of things. 455 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:09,701 Are you prepared to be responsible for whatever comes from that decision? 456 00:21:09,801 --> 00:21:11,770 And he was like, “Well, I'm not one of those dudes.” 457 00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:14,640 No one's ever said that I am, I'm that kind of person. 458 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,776 And I said, I recognize that, like, we have a culture 459 00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:21,780 that says the dude who rapes people and the dude who is somebody else. 460 00:21:21,813 --> 00:21:27,386 And sir, today that somebody is you. 461 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:31,390 And so just because nobody else had the bravery to have this conversation with you 462 00:21:31,390 --> 00:21:33,692 It's actually happened to me so many times 463 00:21:33,725 --> 00:21:37,329 that I am now brave enough to say you have absolutely violated me. 464 00:21:37,562 --> 00:21:38,430 You have absolutely 465 00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:41,667 absolutely put me in a position that I did not desire to be in. 466 00:21:41,733 --> 00:21:44,469 And we gon' talk about responsibility now. 467 00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:48,073 And it was like this whole moment where I said, “this doesn't have to be” 468 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975 “a ruined experience.” 469 00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:52,411 “It could be an experience that we learn and grow through.” 470 00:21:52,411 --> 00:21:54,413 “But are you ready for that?” 471 00:21:54,413 --> 00:21:55,681 He ain't ready for that. 472 00:21:55,681 --> 00:21:58,517 But that was the opportunity, right? 473 00:21:58,517 --> 00:21:59,885 I was like, “You're in therapy.” 474 00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:03,221 “I want to encourage you to talk to your therapist about this experience.” 475 00:22:03,288 --> 00:22:04,623 What's the point of having a therapist 476 00:22:04,623 --> 00:22:08,260 if you're not really willing to talk about what's actually happening? 477 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,896 Ain't going to be no actual growth here. 478 00:22:10,896 --> 00:22:14,266 And this delusion that we are not the people that we actually are. 479 00:22:14,366 --> 00:22:15,467 That ain't real. 480 00:22:15,467 --> 00:22:18,570 And at what point do we get with the reality and also stop 481 00:22:18,570 --> 00:22:22,407 harming other people in the midst of our own dysfunction? 482 00:22:22,474 --> 00:22:24,776 Yeah, and it's it's 483 00:22:24,776 --> 00:22:29,047 first of all, like, you know, you sharing that it's like brings up so much, right? 484 00:22:29,081 --> 00:22:29,815 Natalie: Yeah. 485 00:22:29,815 --> 00:22:33,452 Because it's like so many experiences and so many women tell the stories 486 00:22:33,452 --> 00:22:37,122 and not even just women, people, people talking about those experiences. 487 00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:40,092 And as so many things I'm thinking about thinking about 488 00:22:40,092 --> 00:22:44,062 the ways in which we have 489 00:22:44,162 --> 00:22:45,063 normalized for 490 00:22:45,063 --> 00:22:48,900 black women, men and black women, that that is to be expected. 491 00:22:48,900 --> 00:22:51,670 Natalie: Absolutely. That that is acceptable as a norm. 492 00:22:51,670 --> 00:22:52,270 Mm hmm. 493 00:22:52,270 --> 00:22:56,308 That like I remember, I have a friend years ago 494 00:22:56,308 --> 00:23:00,011 who told me she was like, I didn't realize, when she started dating women 495 00:23:00,011 --> 00:23:02,347 She talks about this experience and not to say that women are 496 00:23:02,347 --> 00:23:03,849 better than men or whatever. She says... 497 00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:06,752 There was a way that I didn't realize men were related to my body, that I didn't 498 00:23:06,752 --> 00:23:11,356 realize how disturbing it was until I was with a woman who was loving to me. 499 00:23:11,523 --> 00:23:13,158 And I was like, Whoa. 500 00:23:13,158 --> 00:23:13,525 Natalie: Mm hmm. 501 00:23:13,525 --> 00:23:14,493 And I think about that 502 00:23:14,493 --> 00:23:17,763 because I think about the mental health and wellness of black women 503 00:23:17,829 --> 00:23:23,068 and how the ways in which black men and anybody who's having sex with black women 504 00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:25,270 relates to black women's bodies. 505 00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:27,906 And it's deeply misogynistic, deeply 506 00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:30,609 alienating, deeply disrespectful way 507 00:23:30,609 --> 00:23:32,077 Just entitled. 508 00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:36,848 Entitlement, entitled like 509 00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:40,318 what if I don't want to be devoured? 510 00:23:40,385 --> 00:23:42,254 What if I actually want tenderness? 511 00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:43,221 Mm hmm. 512 00:23:43,221 --> 00:23:45,223 What if I actually want love? 513 00:23:45,223 --> 00:23:46,925 You got that? 514 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:50,262 Or you just only got your machismo, your machismo? 515 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,196 You'll I'm about to prove. 516 00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:54,433 So I'm a like all the ways that we talk about sex, right? 517 00:23:54,666 --> 00:23:58,570 I'm about to tear it up, and I'm about to, and I'm like, 518 00:23:58,670 --> 00:24:00,071 What? Natalie: Yeah. 519 00:24:00,071 --> 00:24:01,473 So, like, are you 13? 520 00:24:01,473 --> 00:24:03,642 Like, can you come with something more than that was a way to dating the guys. 521 00:24:03,642 --> 00:24:04,843 It was so weird too, dating the guys. 522 00:24:04,843 --> 00:24:07,379 that were like when they start talking about sex, they revert to 12. 523 00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:09,147 You be like, why do you revert to 12 years old? 524 00:24:09,147 --> 00:24:11,149 Like, like, Oh, pussy, huhhh! 525 00:24:11,149 --> 00:24:13,418 Okay. Wow. What just happened? 526 00:24:13,418 --> 00:24:14,453 What the fuck just happened? 527 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:16,188 Why did you become 16 all of...again? 528 00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:19,057 You are a 40 year old man or we can't name genitalia 529 00:24:19,057 --> 00:24:20,792 what they're actually named, right? 530 00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,595 There's this whole thing that happens 531 00:24:23,595 --> 00:24:26,331 that we need to get caught in at some point, right? 532 00:24:26,331 --> 00:24:27,532 Where we have to, like, interrogate like, 533 00:24:27,532 --> 00:24:30,569 “Oh, is this actually the kind of experience that I want to be having?” 534 00:24:30,569 --> 00:24:31,036 Is this...? 535 00:24:31,036 --> 00:24:35,073 And I think about as people transition into like an age or a time in their life 536 00:24:35,073 --> 00:24:37,542 when they, like, want to be married and are going to have sex 537 00:24:37,542 --> 00:24:40,512 with the same person potentially for many, many years. Right. 538 00:24:40,512 --> 00:24:43,515 That changes the ways in which you ‘finna navigate this. 539 00:24:43,515 --> 00:24:44,649 When you start having kids. 540 00:24:44,649 --> 00:24:46,451 Oh all this we bout to it down for you. 541 00:24:46,451 --> 00:24:47,352 Okay. Right. 542 00:24:47,352 --> 00:24:48,353 With your two year old 543 00:24:48,353 --> 00:24:49,921 Like you know what I mean? 544 00:24:49,921 --> 00:24:54,459 It's like, where is the practical version of intimacy? 545 00:24:54,459 --> 00:24:56,761 Not just sex, but intimacy. 546 00:24:56,761 --> 00:24:59,598 And do we only see as penetration? 547 00:24:59,598 --> 00:25:02,467 Do we see it as porno style? 548 00:25:02,467 --> 00:25:03,368 Yeah. Yeah. 549 00:25:03,368 --> 00:25:03,969 Let me tell you, 550 00:25:03,969 --> 00:25:06,938 Like one of my biggest beefs, and I know the gays gonna to get on me 551 00:25:06,938 --> 00:25:10,242 I absolutely loathe and detest, 552 00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:14,312 and I struggle with the ways in which gay men particularly have been taught 553 00:25:14,312 --> 00:25:17,716 to like socialize sexuality into bottom and top. Because when somebody is like, 554 00:25:17,716 --> 00:25:20,385 I'm a top or bottom, that tells me shit about what you like. 555 00:25:20,385 --> 00:25:23,421 It tells me nothing about what you sexually enjoy 556 00:25:23,655 --> 00:25:24,422 and like it unlike 557 00:25:24,422 --> 00:25:28,627 and like the idea that I had to center, my whole sexuality around this act, 558 00:25:28,693 --> 00:25:31,930 just the one thing, the one thing it's always been like I do 559 00:25:31,930 --> 00:25:34,165 a lot of other things in sex that I don't, aren't related to. 560 00:25:34,165 --> 00:25:35,767 So, why I got to, I don’t call myself 561 00:25:35,767 --> 00:25:38,703 I've built an identity around my nipple licking - that's not happening. 562 00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:41,373 Well, you know what I mean? Like, I'm being, I'm going to be honest. 563 00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:43,308 I'm going to say the things. Natalie: There was a man who 564 00:25:43,308 --> 00:25:45,744 Ok, Ok... 565 00:25:45,744 --> 00:25:49,714 but I was like, okay, but for me, it's like I want to create space 566 00:25:49,714 --> 00:25:50,148 where it's like, 567 00:25:50,148 --> 00:25:53,351 I get to know your body and get to know you and I want you to know me sexually. 568 00:25:53,351 --> 00:25:54,886 But like sometimes these rigid labels, 569 00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:57,289 which are really transactional, they're really for transactional intimacy. 570 00:25:57,289 --> 00:25:59,491 But I can just get this what I want, which is fine. 571 00:25:59,491 --> 00:26:00,225 So but I loath... 572 00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:02,761 Natalie: There's a place for that. Yolo: But I loathe how, I loathe really 573 00:26:02,761 --> 00:26:05,897 how they're being connected to gender. And like all these assumptions about you, 574 00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:08,767 like it's like also you like to use your penis in sex. 575 00:26:08,767 --> 00:26:12,337 That means you are blah, blah, blah, which often aligns with dominant hetero 576 00:26:12,337 --> 00:26:15,674 centric you a masculine person and the other way and vice versa. 577 00:26:15,674 --> 00:26:16,441 Right? 578 00:26:16,441 --> 00:26:19,778 And they're like all the ways in which that because I think about the ways in 579 00:26:19,778 --> 00:26:24,215 which when I was like really having more receptive intimacy, the ways in which 580 00:26:24,282 --> 00:26:27,285 it was so deeply aligned with like deeply misogynistic 581 00:26:27,452 --> 00:26:30,722 thinking that black women were all adhering to 582 00:26:30,789 --> 00:26:33,959 It was just like, it was like the same narratives I would get like about shame. 583 00:26:33,959 --> 00:26:37,429 Like, okay, like if I have like, you know, if you want why you let them run up in you? 584 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:38,830 Lke, you know? I mean, like all this stuff. 585 00:26:38,830 --> 00:26:39,631 It was like, wait a second. 586 00:26:39,631 --> 00:26:42,167 Like, what if I, like, can’t I like, sex, right? 587 00:26:42,167 --> 00:26:44,536 Can I enjoy sex? Can I be an agent in sex? 588 00:26:44,536 --> 00:26:47,038 You know what I mean? No, no voice, No voice. 589 00:26:47,038 --> 00:26:49,240 Just doing what? Just give the quote give them a way... 590 00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:50,942 Give away something to someone. Right. 591 00:26:50,942 --> 00:26:53,912 As opposed to like, well, I'm getting something too, that I want. 592 00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:54,813 Right? 593 00:26:54,813 --> 00:26:57,949 Even on that framework, it's just like it's so deeply 594 00:26:57,949 --> 00:27:01,886 not about building connection and building trust, 595 00:27:02,087 --> 00:27:04,356 because I think when you build connection and trust, intimacy, 596 00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:06,558 you've got questions that go beyond those labels and those layers. 597 00:27:06,558 --> 00:27:07,592 Way beyond that. 598 00:27:07,659 --> 00:27:09,027 You got lot of the thought to go there. 599 00:27:09,027 --> 00:27:11,563 But I think there's a lot of fear and anxiety around that, like I said, 600 00:27:11,563 --> 00:27:13,932 because I think a lot of black men and black women, 601 00:27:13,932 --> 00:27:17,235 the self esteem is built around the idea of how I am is sex. 602 00:27:17,235 --> 00:27:18,670 I got, I got I can throw it down. 603 00:27:18,670 --> 00:27:22,941 And if you and if you question it, then everything else falls apart around it. 604 00:27:23,041 --> 00:27:26,845 But I also think in hetero relationships, I think that for women, 605 00:27:26,845 --> 00:27:28,647 I think the same thing is true. 606 00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:32,183 We need to be pretty and open to whatever you want to do. 607 00:27:32,250 --> 00:27:35,253 Otherwise we get traded in for the newest model 608 00:27:35,286 --> 00:27:38,723 and you know I'm bi, so I have the experience of, 609 00:27:38,757 --> 00:27:42,594 of having experiences with both and, you know, with men and women. 610 00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:46,665 And, you know, I really resonate with this idea of like that sex 611 00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:51,069 with women is totally different and like, it is a whole experience. 612 00:27:51,069 --> 00:27:53,872 It...for me it is a whole experience. 613 00:27:53,872 --> 00:27:55,173 It is loving. 614 00:27:55,173 --> 00:27:58,443 And it's not just about specific body parts. 615 00:27:58,510 --> 00:28:00,245 It's about the whole human. 616 00:28:00,245 --> 00:28:03,248 And I think that there's something to me really delicious 617 00:28:03,415 --> 00:28:06,418 about the tenderness and the expansiveness of that 618 00:28:06,651 --> 00:28:10,522 that I wish more straight men would like be open to having 619 00:28:10,622 --> 00:28:15,660 because there's something you're missing when you're just “P in the V! P in the V!” 620 00:28:15,660 --> 00:28:18,363 Yeah. Oh, we're just like, in the mirror, like, doing thing. 621 00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:20,098 It's like, I don't know, bro. 622 00:28:20,098 --> 00:28:22,734 Like, I just feel like I want more for you. 623 00:28:22,734 --> 00:28:23,868 I want more for you. 624 00:28:23,868 --> 00:28:26,571 It's like a goal based and a performance based sex. 625 00:28:26,571 --> 00:28:30,642 When the goal of the sex is to perform and like be “Grrr” for something as opposed 626 00:28:30,642 --> 00:28:35,447 to be present, be connected, be intimate, be listening, listen to your body. 627 00:28:35,447 --> 00:28:37,115 Listen to each other's bodies. Right. 628 00:28:37,115 --> 00:28:39,617 And I think that that's not the norm for what we 629 00:28:39,617 --> 00:28:41,252 because I mean, think about a music we listen to every day 630 00:28:41,252 --> 00:28:44,289 It's all about like domination or the performance of domination, 631 00:28:44,289 --> 00:28:46,891 which I want to name is different from domination, Right? Yeah. 632 00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:48,727 I think there's I think we often get confused in our culture. 633 00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:52,197 We think that like, oh, like domination is rape. 634 00:28:52,263 --> 00:28:53,732 The performance of domination. 635 00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:58,002 If I perform an act with you in the act of performing this domination, 636 00:28:58,169 --> 00:28:59,003 that's different. 637 00:28:59,003 --> 00:29:02,173 That's a performance. That is a consent based, that is acting. 638 00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:03,608 Yeah. 639 00:29:03,608 --> 00:29:05,510 And I think that like a lot of n...runnin’ around here thinking like, 640 00:29:05,510 --> 00:29:07,045 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 641 00:29:07,045 --> 00:29:08,613 There's a difference. Natalie: You're acting. 642 00:29:08,613 --> 00:29:11,716 We're acting and I'm acting for you to make you feel a certain kind of love. 643 00:29:11,716 --> 00:29:12,884 Some folks rape people, but also 644 00:29:12,884 --> 00:29:13,752 Some rape people, yes. 645 00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:15,186 There's also, like acting, right? 646 00:29:15,186 --> 00:29:15,687 You know? 647 00:29:15,687 --> 00:29:17,255 and I think making those distinctions is something 648 00:29:17,255 --> 00:29:19,524 we don't see happen in the culture and in conversation. 649 00:29:20,458 --> 00:29:24,429 Like even myself, like, you know, as a survivor, you know, 650 00:29:24,496 --> 00:29:28,566 I think about when I told people, when I told other black gay men or black 651 00:29:28,566 --> 00:29:33,471 gay men about being sexually assaulted, it was kind of shrugged off. 652 00:29:33,571 --> 00:29:39,210 I'm like and I remember being so 653 00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:42,647 the culture, there's this kind of underlying thing with gay men 654 00:29:42,647 --> 00:29:47,418 in particular where it's like, all men want sex, so you can't be raped. 655 00:29:47,519 --> 00:29:50,155 And you can see it plays out in all different kind of ways. 656 00:29:50,155 --> 00:29:51,422 Things I hear gay men say. 657 00:29:51,422 --> 00:29:53,525 I'm like, wait a second, what? 658 00:29:53,525 --> 00:29:54,092 You know? 659 00:29:54,092 --> 00:29:55,527 And so when you say that, like, oh, 660 00:29:55,527 --> 00:29:58,763 like even like going to clubs in spaces like, I like as a shorter person, 661 00:29:58,763 --> 00:30:00,832 I've had that experience in the past when like, you know, men 662 00:30:00,832 --> 00:30:03,067 roll up on you and want to be aggressive with you and... 663 00:30:03,067 --> 00:30:04,569 Like, what the fuck is happening right now? 664 00:30:04,569 --> 00:30:08,406 Like roll up and you're like, “Yo, you are too close” 665 00:30:08,406 --> 00:30:09,007 What's happening? 666 00:30:09,007 --> 00:30:12,010 Too much is going on and ain’t nobody said they wanted any of this. 667 00:30:12,210 --> 00:30:13,411 But those act, those acts 668 00:30:13,411 --> 00:30:16,481 and those things are seen as like, desirable people to find that attractive 669 00:30:16,681 --> 00:30:18,416 you ‘posed to find that like you ’posed to want that. you feel chosen. 670 00:30:18,416 --> 00:30:19,150 Natalie: You feel chosen. 671 00:30:19,150 --> 00:30:21,953 You feel chosen. And once again, like, Oh, you chose me. 672 00:30:21,953 --> 00:30:22,420 You know. 673 00:30:22,420 --> 00:30:26,491 Of all the people in this club, I'm the one that you want to roll up on. 674 00:30:26,524 --> 00:30:28,860 You chose me over the sock you had under your bed last night. 675 00:30:28,860 --> 00:30:31,129 let's keep it 100, like, you know what I mean? 676 00:30:31,129 --> 00:30:32,430 Like, you know, like this. 677 00:30:32,430 --> 00:30:36,334 This way, this culture of, like, it's just a culture of disconnection. 678 00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:36,801 Yeah. 679 00:30:36,801 --> 00:30:41,072 It's not a culture of intimacy. And it's the desire for connection. 680 00:30:41,072 --> 00:30:43,074 Yes, Yes. Without the bravery. 681 00:30:43,074 --> 00:30:44,175 Yolo: Oooh, come on now 682 00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:47,412 To do the work to be connected. 683 00:30:47,478 --> 00:30:50,715 And that is what is so unappealing to me, because I'm like, 684 00:30:50,715 --> 00:30:52,817 if we doing this human shit, let's do it. 685 00:30:52,817 --> 00:30:54,719 Yeah. What's all the stuff? 686 00:30:54,719 --> 00:30:56,087 Let's bump up against each other. 687 00:30:56,521 --> 00:30:59,824 You know I think that like having dated so many people, I mean, and like, 688 00:30:59,824 --> 00:31:01,593 So many people, so many people 689 00:31:01,593 --> 00:31:04,362 Oh, Lord Jesus. I've dated... actually I have not dated... 690 00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:05,196 I have not dated that many. 691 00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:06,764 I feel like the number, there’s numbers 692 00:31:06,764 --> 00:31:09,767 but I actually feel like I don't...actually I say that I've dated people, 693 00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:11,502 but I feel like one thing I'm not very good at dating 694 00:31:11,502 --> 00:31:13,638 because I tend to be like and I think we have this in common. 695 00:31:13,638 --> 00:31:16,207 I could spend 10 seconds with you and I'm like, Nope. 696 00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:19,544 And like, and like, I also I don't need to like, I'm not that person that I admire, 697 00:31:19,544 --> 00:31:21,613 people who, like, I want an exploration with someone. 698 00:31:21,613 --> 00:31:23,581 And, you know, I used to be that here. 699 00:31:23,581 --> 00:31:25,884 I'm like, I got to be in it for the story, right? 700 00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:26,918 Number one. 701 00:31:26,918 --> 00:31:30,922 And number two, I used to be like, Well, maybe I'll have time. 702 00:31:30,922 --> 00:31:35,126 And what I realized about that maybe is it's bullshit, no bullshit. 703 00:31:35,126 --> 00:31:38,329 And number two, it doesn't ultimately serve me 704 00:31:38,429 --> 00:31:41,633 if I'm compromising from the jump 705 00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:42,600 at the door of 706 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:46,371 meeting you, I'm going, Well, maybe I didn't like this thing, 707 00:31:46,371 --> 00:31:49,374 but maybe if this and and it's like, all this, that, that, that. 708 00:31:49,507 --> 00:31:52,410 And now I don't beat myself out of what I actually want. 709 00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:54,045 What I actually feel. Right? 710 00:31:54,045 --> 00:31:55,813 Because what do I feel when I'm in your presence? 711 00:31:55,813 --> 00:31:58,049 Oh, what do I feel when I'm around you? 712 00:31:58,049 --> 00:32:00,251 Do I feel integrity, Do I feel connected? 713 00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:01,352 Do I feel alignment? 714 00:32:01,352 --> 00:32:03,288 Do I feel nourished and supported? 715 00:32:03,288 --> 00:32:05,723 And honestly, that's like it’s not goin to be the same way all the time. 716 00:32:05,723 --> 00:32:06,658 But 717 00:32:06,658 --> 00:32:10,094 if I don't feel some dimension of that, why am I engaging you so like one thing? 718 00:32:10,094 --> 00:32:12,797 I mean, one of my friends critiqued me about it's like you don't do just random dates. 719 00:32:12,797 --> 00:32:13,831 I'm like, one at one. 720 00:32:13,831 --> 00:32:17,702 I also struggle with this with like, gay men in particular, is like my standard 721 00:32:17,702 --> 00:32:20,672 of human engagement is so high for most gay male cultures or something 722 00:32:20,672 --> 00:32:22,874 because I feel like you're just like, “Hi, are you a person?” 723 00:32:22,874 --> 00:32:24,475 “I would like to talk to you and it's know you.” 724 00:32:24,475 --> 00:32:26,277 They're like, “Oh, you must be in love with me.” No, no, no. 725 00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:28,646 That's just a different standard than what you all 726 00:32:28,646 --> 00:32:30,615 Because you all don't treat each other like human beings. 727 00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:33,117 You just like sacks of meat, 728 00:32:33,117 --> 00:32:36,220 and then what happens is somebody comes in is is kind to you as a human being. 729 00:32:36,220 --> 00:32:37,488 You think I'm in love with you? 730 00:32:37,488 --> 00:32:40,558 I'm like, actually, listen, that that's just like. Natalie: .I just said Hello. 731 00:32:40,591 --> 00:32:43,061 I just said hello. I said, How you feeling? 732 00:32:43,061 --> 00:32:45,630 I expressed interest in you as a human living being 733 00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:47,799 and the culture of pain, I think as so many queer 734 00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:52,103 communities is so deep, so much trauma, so much sadness, so much depression 735 00:32:52,270 --> 00:32:55,606 that is masked as fabulous as masked as “mean girl-ness” 736 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,710 And it's like hiding all this, all this stuff 737 00:32:58,710 --> 00:33:02,046 that shows up and how the sex and the intimacy doesn't show up. 738 00:33:03,047 --> 00:33:04,849 Craving the intimacy. 739 00:33:04,849 --> 00:33:08,653 And so you become big and bold and beautiful 740 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,522 to attract something that feels like something. 741 00:33:11,522 --> 00:33:14,359 But it makes me think about something I really made a choice in my life 742 00:33:14,359 --> 00:33:18,363 a long time ago. I was like, I used to be so attracted to the image, 743 00:33:18,429 --> 00:33:21,432 the image of like, you know, the Instagram, the Instagram, 744 00:33:21,432 --> 00:33:26,437 Facebook post and but I had the Instagram Facebook post and it felt like hell. 745 00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:29,107 And then I started being like, Oh, I want to have a relationship 746 00:33:29,107 --> 00:33:34,212 that feels good, that feels good, like, I don't care how it looks to you. 747 00:33:34,312 --> 00:33:35,146 I don't care if it doesn't 748 00:33:35,146 --> 00:33:37,281 look like it could be on the cover of Ebony and Jet magazine. 749 00:33:37,281 --> 00:33:39,150 I don't care because it feels good to me. 750 00:33:39,150 --> 00:33:41,552 I mean, I also do want it to be like, okay, look, okay. 751 00:33:41,552 --> 00:33:43,788 I mean, it can be cute, but I'm saying like, not recognizable. 752 00:33:43,788 --> 00:33:45,523 It might not be recognizable to you 753 00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:48,126 and the way in which you understand dynamics of relationships, 754 00:33:48,126 --> 00:33:51,929 but I want to feel good because I've lived a hell of trying to pretzel myself 755 00:33:51,929 --> 00:33:55,366 into the image of some man or whoever else wants me to be. 756 00:33:55,466 --> 00:33:57,602 Yeah. Been there. 757 00:33:57,602 --> 00:34:00,004 Glad to not be there anymore. Yolo: I'm into that. 758 00:34:00,004 --> 00:34:01,706 Glad to not be there anymore. 759 00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:04,242 (music plays) 760 00:34:05,209 --> 00:34:09,847 I'm curious, as we close out, 761 00:34:09,914 --> 00:34:11,282 What's your take away? 762 00:34:11,282 --> 00:34:12,450 What's the mantra? 763 00:34:12,450 --> 00:34:17,055 Affirmation that you are reminded of that you are calling for 764 00:34:17,221 --> 00:34:22,894 as it relates to your sexual wellness, to relationships, to love? 765 00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:24,762 Oh, such a good question. 766 00:34:24,762 --> 00:34:26,964 What am I calling for? 767 00:34:26,964 --> 00:34:31,302 I think for myself, I feel grateful to say that I'm in a part of my journey 768 00:34:31,302 --> 00:34:34,372 where I'm able to engage intimacy and having intimacy 769 00:34:34,372 --> 00:34:38,276 that feels more connected and true to me than ever 770 00:34:38,342 --> 00:34:42,713 because I feel like if one of the biggest I'm not a, I'm not, the biggest lie 771 00:34:42,713 --> 00:34:45,883 that I've told the people I have dated, have been romantic with and I'm sorry. 772 00:34:45,883 --> 00:34:47,218 I'm sorry. 773 00:34:47,218 --> 00:34:51,289 Has been mostly around the intimacy and the level of enjoyment actually had of it. 774 00:34:51,389 --> 00:34:53,658 Because I think for a long time I lied to people please 775 00:34:53,658 --> 00:34:54,992 Because like, I didn't 776 00:34:54,992 --> 00:34:58,663 think that I'd have the courage to say this is what I want and what I enjoy. 777 00:34:58,729 --> 00:35:01,532 I did feel like I was worthy of even having what I want. 778 00:35:01,532 --> 00:35:03,301 I feel very pushed and molded. 779 00:35:03,301 --> 00:35:06,037 This is what you gon’ like and just endure it. 780 00:35:07,038 --> 00:35:07,905 And so I think that 781 00:35:07,905 --> 00:35:11,642 affirmation for me is that like, you know, I can have the pleasure that I desire, 782 00:35:12,510 --> 00:35:15,213 I can have a connection that I desire. 783 00:35:15,213 --> 00:35:20,952 I would rather have a quantity, quality over quantity. 784 00:35:21,018 --> 00:35:24,755 I would have one quality connection and have 15 terrible 785 00:35:24,989 --> 00:35:27,024 dismissive connection Natalie: Or just shallow. 786 00:35:27,024 --> 00:35:28,693 Shallow, right? 787 00:35:28,793 --> 00:35:31,329 And so for me, it's affirming. I can have a place that I desire. 788 00:35:31,329 --> 00:35:35,500 I can feel nourished in my sex and my sex sexual intimacy. 789 00:35:35,566 --> 00:35:41,239 I can perform consensually, I can engage in all these different ways, 790 00:35:41,339 --> 00:35:43,541 and I can do that with integrity. 791 00:35:43,541 --> 00:35:46,677 And that will conversation with communication that's possible 792 00:35:46,677 --> 00:35:48,079 for my sexuality. 793 00:35:48,079 --> 00:35:51,082 Natalie: I love that. 794 00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:53,584 I, I think for me 795 00:35:53,584 --> 00:35:57,455 I am holding a vision 796 00:35:57,522 --> 00:36:00,391 for a love that is rich, 797 00:36:00,458 --> 00:36:04,829 that is kind and that is on purpose, 798 00:36:04,896 --> 00:36:07,832 that is about choosing each other 799 00:36:07,832 --> 00:36:10,601 and being aligned because we want to be, 800 00:36:10,601 --> 00:36:13,171 not because we just don't have shit else going on. 801 00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:15,072 Right? 802 00:36:15,072 --> 00:36:18,075 And that, that is the vision I'm holding for myself 803 00:36:18,242 --> 00:36:20,845 and wish that for everybody really is a love 804 00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:23,848 that feels good for real 805 00:36:23,881 --> 00:36:26,317 in the best and worst of days, 806 00:36:26,317 --> 00:36:30,555 that we have a love that holds us, that sees us fully. 807 00:36:30,655 --> 00:36:33,191 Yolo: I love that. I love that. 808 00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:34,492 That's the affirmation. 809 00:36:34,492 --> 00:36:35,259 That's the call. 810 00:36:35,259 --> 00:36:38,429 Like, you know, it's a I think they like to our people 811 00:36:38,429 --> 00:36:41,432 who are watching or listening, I hope that like, you know, 812 00:36:41,432 --> 00:36:45,703 hearing our stories, which are, you know, our realities are truths 813 00:36:45,770 --> 00:36:49,840 helping you to reflect upon your own truth and call into yourself to say 814 00:36:49,941 --> 00:36:52,443 you can have a different kind of intimacy that feels good for you. 815 00:36:52,443 --> 00:36:56,180 You can expand the intimacy that you already have that feels good to you. 816 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:57,148 I want to invite you 817 00:36:57,148 --> 00:37:00,151 to reimagine and think, How could my body feel differently? 818 00:37:00,251 --> 00:37:04,522 How can I find more joy, more pleasure, more orgasm, whatever that is you need 819 00:37:04,522 --> 00:37:09,860 or you want in a way that is loving, in a way that is in integrity. 820 00:37:09,961 --> 00:37:12,930 I want to invite all of all the folks who are less to remix, 821 00:37:12,930 --> 00:37:16,634 to remix and reimagine sexuality and sex for yourself 822 00:37:16,734 --> 00:37:18,135 and think about how you can do that 823 00:37:18,135 --> 00:37:21,138 and a healing justice frame and in a loving frame. 824 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,206 I love that. 825 00:37:22,206 --> 00:37:26,410 Well, we're excited for the journey we're all on and right. 826 00:37:26,477 --> 00:37:28,312 We love you. We're rooting for you. 827 00:37:28,312 --> 00:37:32,316 Hot girl summer! I'm sorry. Natalie: It's a mild girl summer over here. 828 00:37:32,383 --> 00:37:34,719 But we'll see you next time. 829 00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:40,591 (music plays) 830 00:37:40,658 --> 00:37:41,692 Hey, what's up, everyone? 831 00:37:41,692 --> 00:37:42,960 This is Yolo, and I'm back 832 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:46,697 with another practice that you can use on your healing journey. 833 00:37:46,697 --> 00:37:50,234 Today I want to do something a little simple that you can carry with you 834 00:37:50,234 --> 00:37:54,372 wherever you are, and it is a practice called box breathing. 835 00:37:54,472 --> 00:37:58,542 So to frame this practice, imagine a square 836 00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:02,480 and on each side of that square is the number four, right? 837 00:38:02,580 --> 00:38:06,984 What we will do, we will inhale deeply for 4 seconds, 838 00:38:07,051 --> 00:38:09,820 then hold for 4 seconds, 839 00:38:09,820 --> 00:38:14,125 then exhale for 4 seconds, and then repeat. 840 00:38:14,191 --> 00:38:17,461 This is a simple practice and our breath is the most powerful tools 841 00:38:17,461 --> 00:38:20,831 that we have to help ourselves regulate and manage our nervous systems. 842 00:38:20,865 --> 00:38:21,732 Right. 843 00:38:21,732 --> 00:38:25,503 And so I want to invite you to practice and try this with me, okay? 844 00:38:25,736 --> 00:38:26,971 Now, a couple of tips here. 845 00:38:26,971 --> 00:38:28,172 When you inhale, 846 00:38:28,172 --> 00:38:31,976 I want to invite you to inhale through your nose and feel your belly. 847 00:38:32,043 --> 00:38:35,579 And then when you exhale, want to invite you to sell through your mouth 848 00:38:35,579 --> 00:38:39,383 and make as much noise as you need, as you push out that air 849 00:38:39,550 --> 00:38:42,353 or maybe even metaphorically and think we need to release. 850 00:38:42,353 --> 00:38:45,823 Okay? So want to try it together? 851 00:38:45,890 --> 00:38:48,025 Simple practice, right? 852 00:38:48,025 --> 00:38:51,028 So first thing we'll do, we'll start with inhale. 853 00:38:51,028 --> 00:38:55,399 I will count one, two, three, four and I will instruct you and we'll go from there. 854 00:38:55,566 --> 00:38:57,234 All right. 855 00:38:57,234 --> 00:39:00,838 So when you're ready, wherever you are, want to start with a deep breath. 856 00:39:00,905 --> 00:39:04,375 Inhale into our nose for one, 857 00:39:04,442 --> 00:39:09,013 two, three, four. 858 00:39:09,113 --> 00:39:10,047 Holding. 859 00:39:10,548 --> 00:39:14,819 two, three, four. 860 00:39:14,819 --> 00:39:16,120 Exhaling. 861 00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:20,591 two, three, four, 862 00:39:21,959 --> 00:39:23,627 Put a pause right there. 863 00:39:23,627 --> 00:39:26,630 Give yourself a moment to feel how that felt. 864 00:39:26,697 --> 00:39:30,000 Sometimes when we’re new to breath work, we can feel a little different. 865 00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:33,904 So I'm going to invite you to be present with that and want to do it one last time. 866 00:39:33,971 --> 00:39:34,705 Right. 867 00:39:34,705 --> 00:39:37,408 Once again, reminding you that when you inhale what 868 00:39:37,408 --> 00:39:40,878 and how deep through our nose, feeling our belly 869 00:39:40,978 --> 00:39:44,148 and then we want to exhale through our mouth, making as much noise 870 00:39:44,148 --> 00:39:45,049 as we would like. 871 00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:45,616 All right? 872 00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:48,619 So now we'll get started again. 873 00:39:48,719 --> 00:39:50,721 Inhale through your nose. 874 00:39:50,721 --> 00:39:55,926 One, two, three, four. 875 00:39:55,993 --> 00:39:58,963 Hold your breath 876 00:39:59,029 --> 00:40:01,966 two, three, four. 877 00:40:01,966 --> 00:40:03,868 Exhale. 878 00:40:03,868 --> 00:40:07,705 Two, three, four. 879 00:40:07,772 --> 00:40:09,407 Simple, sweet. 880 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:10,641 Don't cost you nothing. 881 00:40:10,641 --> 00:40:11,609 You can cash app me. 882 00:40:11,609 --> 00:40:14,612 No, but it doesn't cost you anything to practice with your breath. 883 00:40:14,779 --> 00:40:18,582 So think about that in your moments when you may be experiencing stress. 884 00:40:18,649 --> 00:40:21,051 Think about that just in your everyday life. 885 00:40:21,051 --> 00:40:23,053 How can I take a moment to just breathe? 886 00:40:23,053 --> 00:40:23,721 Because often times 887 00:40:23,721 --> 00:40:26,724 we’re not present in our bodies and our breath helps us get back here 888 00:40:26,857 --> 00:40:28,459 when we're disconnected. Right? 889 00:40:28,459 --> 00:40:29,760 So try it, check it out. 890 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,629 And if it doesn't work for you, that's good. 891 00:40:31,629 --> 00:40:34,432 There's lots of other practicing tools you can try as well. 892 00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:36,834 I’m Yolo and thank you again for joining me.