My name is Heather Garbutt and I'm a love and relationship coach. I'm here today to talk to you about dating guidelines, how to get the best out of a date so that you find out who the other person is and if they're a likely fit for you.
I'm gonna talk about how to conduct yourself, how to be observant, how to listen to your body so you can really feel if this is right or if there are red flags.

So the first thing we need to do and really stay calm in yourself doing is to go slowly. We can get really excited. Lots of hormones get involved. All of our childlike parts get involved. If you think about what I've been talking about in the Desire course, under the self-development, our childhood traumas can all come into play when we are looking at are we gonna be accepted or not?

Are we gonna be loved or not?
Are we gonna be wanted or not?
All of that stuff, do I belong?
Am I good enough?

You know, that will come into play and make you more anxious. So try and go slowly and be observant. Getting to know somebody takes time and then needs to be give and take listening and talking. You need to establish mutual respect and trust and notice as well if there's power sharing, really make that commitment to yourself to gradually get to know them.

Try not to let any sexual contact happen before you know if they are good for you, because the bonding hormone oxytocin comes into play and then you are really attached and your sensible, rational, self-serving and self advocating part of you just disappears. Slow down, observe, build trust. You want to feel as if you're safe with them.

I know this may go contrary to all of our things that we talk about in, you know, fairytale romances, that it's hugely exciting, but they're usually those high excitement things where you don't feel at home, you feel on edge. The butterflies are rampant. They're, they are the stuff of fairytales. They are the stuff of drama, and they're not necessarily the stuff of really good, healthy relationship. You need to have trust, you need to have depth, you need to have connection. You need to feel calm, feel my shoulders.

You need to feel safe on an emotional level and obviously on a physical level, any of those things aren't in place. They're not likely to be a person for you to have a good long-term relationship with because you'll feel too anxious.

Really notice in yourself how quickly you want to attach and watch for that. In the other person are they love avoidant? Because people who are love avoidant quite often are ambivalent and they'll come in as if, you know, you are the best thing since sliced bread. And then they'll pull away just as quickly because they get panicked. They like the idea of love, but not the reality. And you can filter people out before you get to this stage.

If you are on online dating, you don't wanna be with somebody, who just wants to text you. They don't, even if they voicemail you, then you've got a bit of a sense of who they are and that they are letting themselves be seen and heard if they, if they don't want to do that. And most of the dating apps will allow you to do that. Now, if they don't want to do that, then they're never gonna engage any further.

You have to build a container of trust and connection. Share some things, some time, some experiences don't necessarily always go for coffee. Do different things. Share yourselves at both a deep and a shallow level, particularly in the beginning.

Don't do the deep, don't give away too much information until you know the other person. Just be mindful. Be mindful. Observe them. Do their words, match their behaviour. Cause that's the other thing. I mean, we'll all tell a story about ourselves. Women often do themselves down. Men are more likely to see themselves in a positive light. So if you think about how they are, how they tell you they are, see if it matches with how they treat the waiter with how they treat you. They may tell you that they're a perfect gentleman, but barge through a door in front of you, this sort of toxic person is likely to appear to give you everything that you could possibly want. They'll be watching for your behaviour and your statements about what you like, and they'll try and give you that straight away and you'll think, this is it. This is the one.

But they may not be, they just do the talk. They don't walk the walk. So be mindful of that and think ahead about what your deal breakers are for you, what you would not be comfortable with. And you might even request a chat or a meeting before you go on a date just to see that you're on the same page and get the initial flavour of each other and keep the texting for information, not conversation. You can't get the tone of voice. They're easily misinterpreted. They create a sense of connection that is paper thin until you've actually had some sort of voice exchange or met each other. And some people never get past the texting.

As I was saying, if you've got children, keep them well out of the way until you are really sure that this person is somebody that you want in your life as somebody who can really take care of you and take care of children. I'm thinking about two things at once there. Thinking about your your child's self. Who will really want to attach your inner child rather than your literal children. If, if you're in that space and you're in your little child, you'll want to see the best in them. You'll want to make them your dream person.

If you do, you give your power away. They are likely to fit into a parental model for you. And whatever your pattern with your parents in relation to you is likely to repeat or do the opposite strangely enough. That's how it goes in the relationship with this person. So you want to be dating from your most adult self. I can't say that enough.

So let's look at the skills in the communication that you need to really ascertain all of this information and get a, a rich sense of who that person is. Go somewhere where you can give them your undivided attention where it's relatively quiet, you don't have to yell at each other to make a conversation happen. Now. Be safe. Go somewhere public, but not somewhere too noisy. And hold yourself in mind your own stillness. Give yourself that positive attitude, compassion, kindness, and hold that for them too. Keep your eyes open. Exercise your discernment, your adult watchfulness, and observe from curiosity. Be interested connecting with your body. If you can, you know, eliminate that mind chatter, the inner commentary. You know, ask it to be quiet and just let you be present and observe

Really holding your mind that you want to feel and get to know the essence of who the other person is and what they're communicating. And allow yourself to read between the lines and feel with your body. Does your heart go out to them? And if it does, does it go out in sympathy or does it go out in compassion? Or does it go out with passion or does it go out with warmth? Does it go out with recognition? Ready? How do you feel. Do you get a sense of tightness in your stomach when they're speaking? Are they making you relaxed or making you feel tense? Are you clenching your jaw? Listen to what they're saying. Just reflect back. If you can reflect it, I don't mean, you know, repeating exactly what they said, but giving the gist back so that they can have a sense that you've understood. That'll allow them to be calmer too, because they'll feel understood and can relax. Watch their tone, their eye movement, their body language, or if on the phone, their tone of voice and the spaces initially hold back your opinions and just ask and be open. Really at the moment you are fact finding.

Keep the conversation 50 50 speaking and hearing deeply. Mirror deeply listen and listen for the energy that they're saying things with. You know, some red flags would be that they want to talk to you immediately about their ex with a bad tone, blaming and shaming the other person and, and disavowing themselves of any responsibility. That's a big red flag. So you listen to what they say. You may not get onto conversations about relationships or general personal things. Have some things up your sleeve to ask like, you know, who have been the biggest influences in your life? Who do you most admire? You know, what would be your your best holiday? What would be your worst know? Get a feel of of who they are by what they tell you. You know, no. What do they read? What do they study? Are they in a growth mindset? Chances are if you're listening to me, you are. So, you want somebody similar. Speak your truth about what you're looking for and your parameters and your boundaries and your deal breakers. Do these over time. You know, you don't necessarily have to lay it all out in the first 20 minutes.

In the exchange, share interests, passions, values, your vision for your life, challenges you've had. But don't do the big ones. Really just take your time, excitements, tell 'em about your excitements in little bite size pieces. Stay clear of the painful stuff like divorces and keep things light and see if that person is trustworthy. Watch out for how they react to what you say. Does it matter to them? And really get to hear what are their values and do they correspond to yours?

So if you want to know more, please join my Facebook group, which is calling in the one coach led Europe and beyond, which I share with a, a lovely collection of coaches from across the world. Please join there. Um, if you are leaving a relationship, please join the conscious uncoupling one that's akin, and please feel free to friend me or visit my website, which is www.heathergarbutt.com, where there's a podcast with lots of other information and blogs and articles for you to look at.

If you've enjoyed this, and this is the first time you've met me, you might like the desire series that I've done. They spell out the letters. First one is D for define, e for being exact, creating a vision, S for all the self-development. E for being your beautiful, energetic, enthusiastic, enjoying an enjoyable self that can really embrace life. That's the place you'll be magnetic to love.

Thank you for listening to me today. Lots of love. Bye for now. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life. I'd like to know what has been your biggest takeaway from this conversation. Do take a minute and share this with us and visit us on our Facebook page. You can connect with me personally on my email heather@heathergabutt.com. If you can think of someone who will benefit from listening to this podcast, please do share it with them. If you have any feedback on how I can improve it, please do reach out to me as I'm always keen to learn more. Thank you so much again for listening, and we'll meet again on the next episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.