If you want to build self-confidence, you would do well to listen to the words of Marcus
Aurelius. He was the emperor of Rome from 161 to 180 A.D., and is considered as the
last of the five good emperors. During his rule, Aurelius found the time to construct
a series of autobiographical writings, now known as the Meditations. The Meditations
is regarded as one of the greatest works of philosophy which is why in this video we will
be using some of his wisdom as a motivation to talk about 10 things we should do to build
our self-confidence.
Focus on building your character Marcus Aurelius says “Consider at what price
you sell your integrity; but please, for God’s sake, don’t sell it cheap”.
In our initial phases of our lives, our self confidence is developed by the love and affection
we get from our family members but it only serves as a foundation on which our confidence
can grow. We need additional skills to aid us in social situations where we may feel
uncomfortable. People skills and a strong character are basic assets that we really
need. Character refers specifically to the moral dimension of the self.
Character development deals with developing a your personal integrity and internal compass
of acceptable behavior. The formation of character involves a continuous self-evaluation process
in which individuals compare their description of themselves as they are which is the Real
Self with their descriptions of themselves as they would like to become which is their
Ideal Self and as they fear becoming their Dreaded Self. According to the Stoics, we
should use every occasion, every challenge, as a way to exercise our character, to become
a better human by constant application. We should seek to become kind, honest and hard
working people. We should educate ourselves and learn to treat everyone with respect.
Because your character is the one thing that can never be taken away from you. A man can
rise or fall just due to the virtues or faults of his character and it is often this that
leaves a legacy.
2. Practice Self-Acceptance In the words of Marcus Aurelius “Be content
to seem what you really are”.
Self-acceptance is the cure for perfectionism and unhappiness.
It’s so easy to focus on your faults and everyone can dwell on their insecurities instead
of the things about themselves that they are happy with and doing this can cause you to
dislike yourself. You may also be too busy focusing on others around you and not focusing
on loving yourself. Some people don’t want to be alone and fear to do things on their
own. This can really hinder your journey to self-love, as you have to learn to be comfortable
being with yourself. Self-love is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Being
in love with yourself provides you with self-confidence, self-worth and it will genuinely help you
feel more positive. You may also find that it’s easier for you to fall in love once
you have learned to love yourself first. When you are truly in love with yourself and
happy, you should stop comparing yourself to others so much and should find yourself
more confident, not worrying as much about what others think of you.
Understand that you are whole and complete as you are. No one expects perfection from
you. If you are overweight, your friends call you
fat and you think less of yourself, DON’T DO THAT!
Accept what is. Love yourself regardless. When you are ready, you can always get into
eating more healthily and exercising more like that Ketogenic Diet. You can do intermittent
fasting with weight lifting and then see the amazing transformation after a couple of months.
There are many ways to practice self-acceptance but the most important of them is being honest
and forgiving yourself. Reflecting on your mistakes can help you to forgive and forget.
If you can look back at some poor choices you may have made, and forgive yourself, you
can start to move on and forget about the past. Loving yourself despite any mistakes
you made in the past is great for your self-worth. Self love and self acceptance is nothing but
your choice. You may have many problems and there will usually be solutions. But even
without one, you are still you. Why not accept yourself the way you are instead of beating
yourself up?
3. Focus on your thoughts To quote Marcus Aurelius “The happiness
of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts”.
If you chronically feel down about yourself it may just not be an issue of a negative
thoughts here or there; but instead it may be that your “core beliefs” about yourself
are negative. Ideas like “I’m unlovable” or “I’m a loser” might be at the bottom
of most of the decisions you make. So that’s where you need to start.
Challenging such a fundamental idea can seem daunting. That concept has a really good lawyer
in your head who is constantly presenting tons of evidence to prove his case that you’re
a loser. So make a list of all the proof you have in your mind that supports the argument
that you are a loser. Now that you presented a case, you need something that is lacking
- a defense lawyer to challenge this notion. Now, sit down and make a second list. A list
of reasons you are not a loser - why the first lawyer is wrong. Having that list of reasons
you are pretty darn awesome will help you dismiss that negative core belief and replace
it with something more honest, accurate and rational.
It may seem scary or even impossible to change your thoughts but you can change your thoughts
to improve your self-esteem. The automatic thoughts you've had for years are familiar
and served a purpose at one point in your life. However, think about how many of these
are negative and hurtful. The more negative thoughts you have, the lower your self-esteem
will be. So wouldn't it be nice to change your thoughts and improve your self-esteem?
4. Make a plan and stop thinking
As we learn from Marcus Aurelius “Turn your desire to stone. Quench your appetites. Keep
your mind centered on itself.”
The truth is that we live in the age of procrastination. We waste far too much of our time in making
plans, attending meetings, strategising but getting nothing done. Sure, if you don’t
have any goals to work towards, that’s the first step. But once you decide on your goals,
it’s time to stop thinking and start doing. Thoughts and plans don’t mean anything.
A genius idea is not of any worth, either. Not unless you put the work in and take the
steps necessary to make it a reality. Wanna switch careers? Great. Decide something
new to try, then go get qualified or certified, then start applying for jobs. Wanna to finally
get in shape? Awesome. Lift weights 3 times per week and start eating the right amount
of calories. Stop “doing research,'' stop “getting
prepared”, and stop telling everyone about your sweet plan. Just get started. Today.
Because planning just planning wont help, it’s your actions that will boost your self-confidence
because you will be getting things done.
There’s a reason the ancient Stoics like the great Marcus Aurelius were so successful
and accomplished and that’s because They took action. Over and over again.
5. Keep your word
We are told by Marcus Aurelius to “Live up to it. Make good on your promises. Be what
your father hoped for you to be”. Keeping your word is critical to restoring
your sanity and creating a meaning driven life. Keeping your word means honoring what
you commit to. It's keeping your promises, with everyone and especially with yourself.
When we promise ourselves that we'll do something, or promise to stop doing something, we feel
it's for our own good. We believe that life will be more satisfying with the change. What
we often fail to take into account is that the promise is not just about improving relationships
or conditions in one's life, but it's also a test of integrity. To have integrity is
to honor one's word, to know that we won't do anything unexpected or surprising that
would have us break our word, and to recommit to our word if we find ourselves faltering.
Making a promise to someone is one of the most powerful forms of communication in existence.
Yet, how many times do you make vows that you can’t possibly keep? You tell a friend,
your child, your partner, that you'll do something for them. But then you don't actually go and
do it.
We already know breaking promises has a disastrous effect. It not only disappoints the person
we’ve promised, but it also erodes bits of our self-esteem, too. Brain research shows
that breaking promises actually registers in our brain activity, showing up as emotional
conflict for the promise breaker as a result of suppressing their honesty. Keeping our
promises is key to experiencing life as we dream it to be.
6. Take ownership of your actions As Marcus Aurelius so succeedingly puts it
“Do your job without whining”
The inability to accept responsibility is a telltale sign of low self-esteem. This shows
up when someone is indecisive and when they blame other people. People blame others because
they believe what you do is who you are which means when you make a mistake, you somehow
diminish yourself. They don't realize by blaming others, they have made themselves powerless
by becoming a victim of circumstance. How many times have you heard or maybe even
said: "I was late because of stupid train delays.",
"I didn't get promoted because I don't schmooze with my managers." or
"I can't find a job because of the economy." Although these may be valid reasons, people
with strong self-esteem don’t focus on the external factors that may have caused the
undesired result but rather spend their energy thinking of ways to achieve the outcome that
they want. They don't put themselves down for making a mistake, they just learn from
the experience and move on. When you begin to do the work and take ownership over your
life, you start to realize the power of time management, control and autonomy. You live
life on your terms this way. It truly is the only way.
7. Don’t speak too much about yourself
Marcus Aurelius instructs us to “Accustom yourself to attend carefully to what is said
by another, and as much as it is possible, try to inhabit the speaker’s mind”.
We are all guilty of talking too much about ourselves. We talk about ourselves 30-40%
of the time. That’s a lot. Studies have shown that talking about ourselves is strongly
associated with increased activity in the mesolimbic dopamine system, the same part
of our brain that experiences pleasure through things like food, sex, and money. The truth
is no one wants to sit through a slide show from your latest outing on your latest gadget,
no one really wants to hear another person going on and on and on about himself. All
of that talking is costing us time, productivity and energy. It's also costing us our credibility
and our relationships. People who go on and on appear to undervalue others' contributions,
lack curiosity and self-awareness, and seem self-absorbed and even nervous. This is just
terrible for your self-confidence. We should stay away from the conversation that concern
with gossiping and passing judgment on people. To indulge in gossip and judge people who
aren’t present to defend themselves simply does not
seem to be the virtuous thing to do. We should instead develop our listening skills and respond
less to gossiping and passing judgments and occasionally introduce a challenging topic
that you feel might lead to a mutually beneficial conversation with your friends.
8. Remind yourself of death
Marcus Aurelius says “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do
and say and think”.
The Stoics made it routine to keep the prospect of death in mind and you too can practice
this every morning. There is a phrase within the stoic philosophy called Memento Mori,
which means remember that you will die. The point of this reminder isn’t to be morbid
or promote fear, but to inspire, motivate and clarify. This morning routine will help
you approach you approach to your daily life fearlessly and make you feel confident about
doing things that really matter. Reminding yourself that every day has value and every
day that passes is another day closer to your expiration date can provide the perspective
and motivation necessary to help you prioritize your life in a way that reflects the kind
of person you truly want to be.
9. Ignore the naysayers As we learn from Marcus Aurelius “When another
blames you or hates you, or people voice similar criticisms, go to their souls, penetrate inside
and see what sort of people they are. You will realize that there is no need to be racked
with anxiety that they should hold any particular opinion about you”.
Naysayers are the people who criticize, object to, or oppose something. The Naysayers just
love to say nay. Whenever you step out of the norm and declare what you want, and that
you are going to do whatever it takes to achieve it, you will attract naysayers. They might
love you, but they are afraid of progress so they are against everything and their opinions
are just terrible for your self-confidence. While you don’t have self-control
over what other people think or how they act around you, you do have control over how you
react. Their voice does not deserve to be heard. Don’t hand over your peace of mind
to outsiders to disrupt as they please. The truth is you are the average of the five people
you spend the most time with. So if someone just has a history of being a naysayer, ignore
them.
10. Have an evening confidence ritual In our final quote from Marcus Aurelius, he
tells us, “These are the characteristics of the rational soul: self-awareness, self-examination,
and self-determination. It reaps its own harvest…. It succeeds in its own purpose…”
Self-confidence is a positive feeling about yourself, your ideas, and your worth that
enables you to take good care of yourself, stand on equal footing with others, and feel
pride about yourself and how you live your life. Not all self-confidence is actually
under your control. Infact, about 50% of self-confidence is genetic. Fortunately, you’ve got the
other 50% to work with! Here are two easy exercises, you could do in the evening before
going to bed, for confidence-building
Keep a gratitude journal Keeping a gratitude journal is a simple process.
Every evening, you should pick three to five things every day that you are thankful for
and write it down. Gratitude doesn’t have to be saved for the big things in life. The
habit of being grateful starts with appreciating every good thing in life and
recognizing that there is nothing too small for you to be thankful for. Appreciating the
smallest of things in your life before going to bed will also give you a good reason to
wake up and a confidence to face new challenges in life.
2. Have a Daily Success Review
This is quite similar to your gratitude journal. Each evening during your success review, write
down one to three successes of your day. Success doesn’t necessarily mean major achievements,
although if you have them, by all means, be proud of it. But don’t overlook the power
of your everyday small wins. Some of your small wins could be about making good decisions
or taking the time to exercise, helping someone, anything that makes you feel good. This will
give you a huge boost to your self-confidence because by focusing on daily victories, you
reinforce your constructive actions and thoughts, thus making it likely you’ll have more small
wins on subsequent days.
If you like this video, please do make sure to check out our complete Stoicism playlist
and for more such philosophical wisdom for your modern day success, don’t forget to
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