1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:04,319 If you want to build self-confidence, you would do well to listen to the words of Marcus 2 00:00:04,319 --> 00:00:11,580 Aurelius. He was the emperor of Rome from 161 to 180 A.D., and is considered as the 3 00:00:11,580 --> 00:00:16,930 last of the five good emperors. During his rule, Aurelius found the time to construct 4 00:00:16,930 --> 00:00:22,560 a series of autobiographical writings, now known as the Meditations. The Meditations 5 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:27,119 is regarded as one of the greatest works of philosophy which is why in this video we will 6 00:00:27,119 --> 00:00:31,800 be using some of his wisdom as a motivation to talk about 10 things we should do to build 7 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,520 our self-confidence. 8 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:41,270 Focus on building your character Marcus Aurelius says “Consider at what price 9 00:00:41,270 --> 00:00:46,590 you sell your integrity; but please, for God’s sake, don’t sell it cheap”. 10 00:00:46,590 --> 00:00:51,290 In our initial phases of our lives, our self confidence is developed by the love and affection 11 00:00:51,290 --> 00:00:56,480 we get from our family members but it only serves as a foundation on which our confidence 12 00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:01,890 can grow. We need additional skills to aid us in social situations where we may feel 13 00:01:01,890 --> 00:01:07,080 uncomfortable. People skills and a strong character are basic assets that we really 14 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:13,409 need. Character refers specifically to the moral dimension of the self. 15 00:01:13,409 --> 00:01:17,649 Character development deals with developing a your personal integrity and internal compass 16 00:01:17,649 --> 00:01:23,310 of acceptable behavior. The formation of character involves a continuous self-evaluation process 17 00:01:23,310 --> 00:01:27,850 in which individuals compare their description of themselves as they are which is the Real 18 00:01:27,850 --> 00:01:32,520 Self with their descriptions of themselves as they would like to become which is their 19 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:38,730 Ideal Self and as they fear becoming their Dreaded Self. According to the Stoics, we 20 00:01:38,730 --> 00:01:43,810 should use every occasion, every challenge, as a way to exercise our character, to become 21 00:01:43,810 --> 00:01:49,409 a better human by constant application. We should seek to become kind, honest and hard 22 00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:54,729 working people. We should educate ourselves and learn to treat everyone with respect. 23 00:01:54,729 --> 00:01:58,630 Because your character is the one thing that can never be taken away from you. A man can 24 00:01:58,630 --> 00:02:03,780 rise or fall just due to the virtues or faults of his character and it is often this that 25 00:02:03,780 --> 00:02:05,659 leaves a legacy. 26 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:11,970 2. Practice Self-Acceptance In the words of Marcus Aurelius “Be content 27 00:02:11,970 --> 00:02:14,390 to seem what you really are”. 28 00:02:14,390 --> 00:02:18,110 Self-acceptance is the cure for perfectionism and unhappiness. 29 00:02:18,110 --> 00:02:23,690 It’s so easy to focus on your faults and everyone can dwell on their insecurities instead 30 00:02:23,690 --> 00:02:27,221 of the things about themselves that they are happy with and doing this can cause you to 31 00:02:27,221 --> 00:02:32,800 dislike yourself. You may also be too busy focusing on others around you and not focusing 32 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:37,590 on loving yourself. Some people don’t want to be alone and fear to do things on their 33 00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:43,000 own. This can really hinder your journey to self-love, as you have to learn to be comfortable 34 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:48,570 being with yourself. Self-love is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Being 35 00:02:48,570 --> 00:02:54,260 in love with yourself provides you with self-confidence, self-worth and it will genuinely help you 36 00:02:54,260 --> 00:02:58,940 feel more positive. You may also find that it’s easier for you to fall in love once 37 00:02:58,940 --> 00:03:03,040 you have learned to love yourself first. When you are truly in love with yourself and 38 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:07,200 happy, you should stop comparing yourself to others so much and should find yourself 39 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:11,410 more confident, not worrying as much about what others think of you. 40 00:03:11,410 --> 00:03:16,920 Understand that you are whole and complete as you are. No one expects perfection from 41 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,620 you. If you are overweight, your friends call you 42 00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:24,590 fat and you think less of yourself, DON’T DO THAT! 43 00:03:24,590 --> 00:03:29,880 Accept what is. Love yourself regardless. When you are ready, you can always get into 44 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:34,430 eating more healthily and exercising more like that Ketogenic Diet. You can do intermittent 45 00:03:34,430 --> 00:03:39,120 fasting with weight lifting and then see the amazing transformation after a couple of months. 46 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:44,960 There are many ways to practice self-acceptance but the most important of them is being honest 47 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:50,960 and forgiving yourself. Reflecting on your mistakes can help you to forgive and forget. 48 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,810 If you can look back at some poor choices you may have made, and forgive yourself, you 49 00:03:54,810 --> 00:04:00,150 can start to move on and forget about the past. Loving yourself despite any mistakes 50 00:04:00,150 --> 00:04:05,250 you made in the past is great for your self-worth. Self love and self acceptance is nothing but 51 00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:10,090 your choice. You may have many problems and there will usually be solutions. But even 52 00:04:10,090 --> 00:04:16,000 without one, you are still you. Why not accept yourself the way you are instead of beating 53 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,280 yourself up? 54 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:24,669 3. Focus on your thoughts To quote Marcus Aurelius “The happiness 55 00:04:24,669 --> 00:04:28,139 of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts”. 56 00:04:28,139 --> 00:04:32,289 If you chronically feel down about yourself it may just not be an issue of a negative 57 00:04:32,289 --> 00:04:36,520 thoughts here or there; but instead it may be that your “core beliefs” about yourself 58 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:41,389 are negative. Ideas like “I’m unlovable” or “I’m a loser” might be at the bottom 59 00:04:41,389 --> 00:04:46,610 of most of the decisions you make. So that’s where you need to start. 60 00:04:46,610 --> 00:04:51,669 Challenging such a fundamental idea can seem daunting. That concept has a really good lawyer 61 00:04:51,669 --> 00:04:56,419 in your head who is constantly presenting tons of evidence to prove his case that you’re 62 00:04:56,419 --> 00:05:00,990 a loser. So make a list of all the proof you have in your mind that supports the argument 63 00:05:00,990 --> 00:05:05,389 that you are a loser. Now that you presented a case, you need something that is lacking 64 00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:12,169 - a defense lawyer to challenge this notion. Now, sit down and make a second list. A list 65 00:05:12,169 --> 00:05:17,699 of reasons you are not a loser - why the first lawyer is wrong. Having that list of reasons 66 00:05:17,699 --> 00:05:22,139 you are pretty darn awesome will help you dismiss that negative core belief and replace 67 00:05:22,139 --> 00:05:25,650 it with something more honest, accurate and rational. 68 00:05:25,650 --> 00:05:30,580 It may seem scary or even impossible to change your thoughts but you can change your thoughts 69 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:35,319 to improve your self-esteem. The automatic thoughts you've had for years are familiar 70 00:05:35,319 --> 00:05:39,449 and served a purpose at one point in your life. However, think about how many of these 71 00:05:39,449 --> 00:05:44,199 are negative and hurtful. The more negative thoughts you have, the lower your self-esteem 72 00:05:44,199 --> 00:05:49,900 will be. So wouldn't it be nice to change your thoughts and improve your self-esteem? 73 00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:54,409 4. Make a plan and stop thinking 74 00:05:54,409 --> 00:06:00,521 As we learn from Marcus Aurelius “Turn your desire to stone. Quench your appetites. Keep 75 00:06:00,521 --> 00:06:03,479 your mind centered on itself.” 76 00:06:03,479 --> 00:06:09,259 The truth is that we live in the age of procrastination. We waste far too much of our time in making 77 00:06:09,259 --> 00:06:14,639 plans, attending meetings, strategising but getting nothing done. Sure, if you don’t 78 00:06:14,639 --> 00:06:18,740 have any goals to work towards, that’s the first step. But once you decide on your goals, 79 00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:23,529 it’s time to stop thinking and start doing. Thoughts and plans don’t mean anything. 80 00:06:23,529 --> 00:06:28,889 A genius idea is not of any worth, either. Not unless you put the work in and take the 81 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:34,800 steps necessary to make it a reality. Wanna switch careers? Great. Decide something 82 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:40,580 new to try, then go get qualified or certified, then start applying for jobs. Wanna to finally 83 00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:45,479 get in shape? Awesome. Lift weights 3 times per week and start eating the right amount 84 00:06:45,479 --> 00:06:49,460 of calories. Stop “doing research,'' stop “getting 85 00:06:49,460 --> 00:06:57,110 prepared”, and stop telling everyone about your sweet plan. Just get started. Today. 86 00:06:57,110 --> 00:07:02,509 Because planning just planning wont help, it’s your actions that will boost your self-confidence 87 00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:04,750 because you will be getting things done. 88 00:07:04,750 --> 00:07:09,539 There’s a reason the ancient Stoics like the great Marcus Aurelius were so successful 89 00:07:09,539 --> 00:07:15,810 and accomplished and that’s because They took action. Over and over again. 90 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:18,169 5. Keep your word 91 00:07:18,169 --> 00:07:26,029 We are told by Marcus Aurelius to “Live up to it. Make good on your promises. Be what 92 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:30,770 your father hoped for you to be”. Keeping your word is critical to restoring 93 00:07:30,770 --> 00:07:36,139 your sanity and creating a meaning driven life. Keeping your word means honoring what 94 00:07:36,139 --> 00:07:41,610 you commit to. It's keeping your promises, with everyone and especially with yourself. 95 00:07:41,610 --> 00:07:46,069 When we promise ourselves that we'll do something, or promise to stop doing something, we feel 96 00:07:46,069 --> 00:07:51,430 it's for our own good. We believe that life will be more satisfying with the change. What 97 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:56,129 we often fail to take into account is that the promise is not just about improving relationships 98 00:07:56,129 --> 00:08:01,349 or conditions in one's life, but it's also a test of integrity. To have integrity is 99 00:08:01,349 --> 00:08:06,129 to honor one's word, to know that we won't do anything unexpected or surprising that 100 00:08:06,129 --> 00:08:12,039 would have us break our word, and to recommit to our word if we find ourselves faltering. 101 00:08:12,039 --> 00:08:16,740 Making a promise to someone is one of the most powerful forms of communication in existence. 102 00:08:16,740 --> 00:08:21,650 Yet, how many times do you make vows that you can’t possibly keep? You tell a friend, 103 00:08:21,650 --> 00:08:25,779 your child, your partner, that you'll do something for them. But then you don't actually go and 104 00:08:25,779 --> 00:08:26,999 do it. 105 00:08:26,999 --> 00:08:31,840 We already know breaking promises has a disastrous effect. It not only disappoints the person 106 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,930 we’ve promised, but it also erodes bits of our self-esteem, too. Brain research shows 107 00:08:36,930 --> 00:08:41,339 that breaking promises actually registers in our brain activity, showing up as emotional 108 00:08:41,339 --> 00:08:45,690 conflict for the promise breaker as a result of suppressing their honesty. Keeping our 109 00:08:45,690 --> 00:08:50,550 promises is key to experiencing life as we dream it to be. 110 00:08:50,550 --> 00:08:57,990 6. Take ownership of your actions As Marcus Aurelius so succeedingly puts it 111 00:08:57,990 --> 00:09:00,970 “Do your job without whining” 112 00:09:00,970 --> 00:09:06,959 The inability to accept responsibility is a telltale sign of low self-esteem. This shows 113 00:09:06,959 --> 00:09:11,800 up when someone is indecisive and when they blame other people. People blame others because 114 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:16,280 they believe what you do is who you are which means when you make a mistake, you somehow 115 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:21,280 diminish yourself. They don't realize by blaming others, they have made themselves powerless 116 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:25,880 by becoming a victim of circumstance. How many times have you heard or maybe even 117 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,750 said: "I was late because of stupid train delays.", 118 00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:32,290 "I didn't get promoted because I don't schmooze with my managers." or 119 00:09:32,290 --> 00:09:37,361 "I can't find a job because of the economy." Although these may be valid reasons, people 120 00:09:37,361 --> 00:09:41,900 with strong self-esteem don’t focus on the external factors that may have caused the 121 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:46,941 undesired result but rather spend their energy thinking of ways to achieve the outcome that 122 00:09:46,941 --> 00:09:51,900 they want. They don't put themselves down for making a mistake, they just learn from 123 00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:56,720 the experience and move on. When you begin to do the work and take ownership over your 124 00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:02,740 life, you start to realize the power of time management, control and autonomy. You live 125 00:10:02,740 --> 00:10:07,810 life on your terms this way. It truly is the only way. 126 00:10:07,810 --> 00:10:12,380 7. Don’t speak too much about yourself 127 00:10:12,380 --> 00:10:18,319 Marcus Aurelius instructs us to “Accustom yourself to attend carefully to what is said 128 00:10:18,319 --> 00:10:23,050 by another, and as much as it is possible, try to inhabit the speaker’s mind”. 129 00:10:23,050 --> 00:10:28,500 We are all guilty of talking too much about ourselves. We talk about ourselves 30-40% 130 00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:34,450 of the time. That’s a lot. Studies have shown that talking about ourselves is strongly 131 00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:39,180 associated with increased activity in the mesolimbic dopamine system, the same part 132 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:44,230 of our brain that experiences pleasure through things like food, sex, and money. The truth 133 00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:49,089 is no one wants to sit through a slide show from your latest outing on your latest gadget, 134 00:10:49,089 --> 00:10:53,090 no one really wants to hear another person going on and on and on about himself. All 135 00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:58,590 of that talking is costing us time, productivity and energy. It's also costing us our credibility 136 00:10:58,590 --> 00:11:05,170 and our relationships. People who go on and on appear to undervalue others' contributions, 137 00:11:05,170 --> 00:11:10,920 lack curiosity and self-awareness, and seem self-absorbed and even nervous. This is just 138 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:15,480 terrible for your self-confidence. We should stay away from the conversation that concern 139 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:20,889 with gossiping and passing judgment on people. To indulge in gossip and judge people who 140 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,150 aren’t present to defend themselves simply does not 141 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:28,759 seem to be the virtuous thing to do. We should instead develop our listening skills and respond 142 00:11:28,759 --> 00:11:33,350 less to gossiping and passing judgments and occasionally introduce a challenging topic 143 00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:38,240 that you feel might lead to a mutually beneficial conversation with your friends. 144 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:42,069 8. Remind yourself of death 145 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:47,769 Marcus Aurelius says “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do 146 00:11:47,769 --> 00:11:50,620 and say and think”. 147 00:11:50,620 --> 00:11:55,380 The Stoics made it routine to keep the prospect of death in mind and you too can practice 148 00:11:55,380 --> 00:12:00,680 this every morning. There is a phrase within the stoic philosophy called Memento Mori, 149 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:05,690 which means remember that you will die. The point of this reminder isn’t to be morbid 150 00:12:05,690 --> 00:12:12,160 or promote fear, but to inspire, motivate and clarify. This morning routine will help 151 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:16,069 you approach you approach to your daily life fearlessly and make you feel confident about 152 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:21,630 doing things that really matter. Reminding yourself that every day has value and every 153 00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:26,149 day that passes is another day closer to your expiration date can provide the perspective 154 00:12:26,149 --> 00:12:31,200 and motivation necessary to help you prioritize your life in a way that reflects the kind 155 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,400 of person you truly want to be. 156 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:41,120 9. Ignore the naysayers As we learn from Marcus Aurelius “When another 157 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:48,250 blames you or hates you, or people voice similar criticisms, go to their souls, penetrate inside 158 00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:53,550 and see what sort of people they are. You will realize that there is no need to be racked 159 00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:58,009 with anxiety that they should hold any particular opinion about you”. 160 00:12:58,009 --> 00:13:03,269 Naysayers are the people who criticize, object to, or oppose something. The Naysayers just 161 00:13:03,269 --> 00:13:08,829 love to say nay. Whenever you step out of the norm and declare what you want, and that 162 00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:14,170 you are going to do whatever it takes to achieve it, you will attract naysayers. They might 163 00:13:14,170 --> 00:13:18,610 love you, but they are afraid of progress so they are against everything and their opinions 164 00:13:18,610 --> 00:13:23,350 are just terrible for your self-confidence. While you don’t have self-control 165 00:13:23,350 --> 00:13:28,759 over what other people think or how they act around you, you do have control over how you 166 00:13:28,759 --> 00:13:34,199 react. Their voice does not deserve to be heard. Don’t hand over your peace of mind 167 00:13:34,199 --> 00:13:39,209 to outsiders to disrupt as they please. The truth is you are the average of the five people 168 00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:44,190 you spend the most time with. So if someone just has a history of being a naysayer, ignore 169 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:45,500 them. 170 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:51,881 10. Have an evening confidence ritual In our final quote from Marcus Aurelius, he 171 00:13:51,881 --> 00:13:59,139 tells us, “These are the characteristics of the rational soul: self-awareness, self-examination, 172 00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:07,639 and self-determination. It reaps its own harvest…. It succeeds in its own purpose…” 173 00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:11,990 Self-confidence is a positive feeling about yourself, your ideas, and your worth that 174 00:14:11,990 --> 00:14:16,521 enables you to take good care of yourself, stand on equal footing with others, and feel 175 00:14:16,521 --> 00:14:21,290 pride about yourself and how you live your life. Not all self-confidence is actually 176 00:14:21,290 --> 00:14:27,779 under your control. Infact, about 50% of self-confidence is genetic. Fortunately, you’ve got the 177 00:14:27,779 --> 00:14:32,700 other 50% to work with! Here are two easy exercises, you could do in the evening before 178 00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:36,819 going to bed, for confidence-building 179 00:14:36,819 --> 00:14:41,870 Keep a gratitude journal Keeping a gratitude journal is a simple process. 180 00:14:41,870 --> 00:14:45,689 Every evening, you should pick three to five things every day that you are thankful for 181 00:14:45,689 --> 00:14:50,780 and write it down. Gratitude doesn’t have to be saved for the big things in life. The 182 00:14:50,780 --> 00:14:54,470 habit of being grateful starts with appreciating every good thing in life and 183 00:14:54,470 --> 00:14:59,129 recognizing that there is nothing too small for you to be thankful for. Appreciating the 184 00:14:59,129 --> 00:15:03,240 smallest of things in your life before going to bed will also give you a good reason to 185 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:07,339 wake up and a confidence to face new challenges in life. 186 00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:11,019 2. Have a Daily Success Review 187 00:15:11,019 --> 00:15:16,280 This is quite similar to your gratitude journal. Each evening during your success review, write 188 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:22,019 down one to three successes of your day. Success doesn’t necessarily mean major achievements, 189 00:15:22,019 --> 00:15:25,879 although if you have them, by all means, be proud of it. But don’t overlook the power 190 00:15:25,879 --> 00:15:30,830 of your everyday small wins. Some of your small wins could be about making good decisions 191 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:36,319 or taking the time to exercise, helping someone, anything that makes you feel good. This will 192 00:15:36,319 --> 00:15:41,480 give you a huge boost to your self-confidence because by focusing on daily victories, you 193 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:46,110 reinforce your constructive actions and thoughts, thus making it likely you’ll have more small 194 00:15:46,110 --> 00:15:48,200 wins on subsequent days. 195 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,230 If you like this video, please do make sure to check out our complete Stoicism playlist 196 00:15:52,230 --> 00:15:56,259 and for more such philosophical wisdom for your modern day success, don’t forget to 197 00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:58,589 subscribe. Thanks so much for watching.