This episode includes a discussion of sensitive topics

related to mental health and may be activating for some viewers.

We encourage you to take care of yourself.

For support and resources, visit BEAM.COMMUNITY/GETHELPNOW

This episode is unlike every other episode this season.

While filming, we had the opportunity to navigate distress in real time.

We invite you behind the scenes and into the process

of healing and repair.

Welcome back. I'm Natalie.

And I'm Yolo.

And this is the Black Healing Remix podcast.

(music plays)

We’re so excited to be back

but we have a little special... we're doing something different today.

Okay.

You know, a big part of BEAM - one of our common

phrases we say is that we are the work and whatever is in the moment is the work.

And so this episode, we want to use

a real life situation is happening on the happen on our cast.

on our set

as an opportunity to kind of talk about the work and talk about the moment.

And so we're going, that's, that's what this episode is going to be about.

Do you have anything you wanna add to that, Natalie?

Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, the reality is,

is we play on a lot of things and then life happens.

And so how do we navigate the life happening?

And I think it's a perfect opportunity to practice what our beliefs are

and to model it,

to demonstrate it right, and to fumble and recover...to fumble and recover.

And that's really what practice is actually about.

Because it's always a lesson in the failure

Hundred percent. And that's where the growth happens.

If you're not failing, you're not growing. Absolutely.

And I feel like this episode hopefully will be a fruitful conversation

for you as you are growing, failing, fumbling, succeeding, winning,

and just figuring out how to navigate your own emotions and experiences.

Essentially what happened is I was in conversation with Natalie.

Cameras were rolling and I felt my energy shift.

Baby I looked over and I said, The battery is dying, the battery has died.

And I think in addition to the shifting

I had in my head a certain vision of where we're going,

and it just seemed like we were going somewhere else.

And so I was a little disappointed on top of being kind of my battery low

and then we cut the cameras and then really people came into

the crew came in very thoughtfully trying to be supportive.

But in that moment

I communicated that, hey, I just need food and I need a break.

And I think people were offering me, you know, a lot more framing about like,

this is how podcast work and this is, you know, it's okay to be

that you're, that you're confused about where to go.

And a lot of that for me in the moment, felt like I was being mansplained to

or gaslit in terms of just being honored, in terms of like, Hey,

you need a break.

You feel like confused. Take a break. Come back.

And so for me, that's the trigger for me activated me because I'm getting

frustrated because I'm just like, hey, I just actually need a break.

And to reorient and need food.

And I think people are thoughtfully and carefully in a caring way, coming back

and trying to offer me solutions that aren't really about

that are more about fixing the situation more than like

actually I just said what I need and I need to get that.

And so I think that, like what happened in that moment was, you know,

a teachable moment for me because I felt my frustration.

And I'm sure it also created a feeling some experienced people on the set

as well.

And then when we came back after I had some talking with Natalie,

had time to process and I got some food

we had to talk about it

came back because for me it was really important.

I just didn’t want to come back to the space and then we not talk about, Hey,

what has happened?

And then I share.

This is what I experienced.

And that led to a broader conversation.

YOLO: So... And what I love about you

really is that, you know, sometimes we're in opposition about this, right?

I am very strategic.

I'd be like, what do I want to say and when and what's that going to create?

And Yolo’s like I need to say the thing

I need to say the thing right now, because if I can’t say the thing

it ain't going to be I ain't gonna be able to move on.

And I'd be like, okay,

because I, I've existed in this black woman body and I'd be like

Honey, I got to be strategic.

And so I love that

we got to process that too, that some of that is gendered, right?

About what we get to say and when we get to say it.

And what I love about you like having the bravery right

to honor yourself in a moment where we're working

with people who are wonderful, but we don't know well.

Right?

Is that you stood in that

right and didn't ask for anything but wanted to share the experience.

Right.

And what I love is Teyae who is supporting us with sound

said, You know, I don't know if I should apologize.

I'm not exactly sure what to do.

And what I love about that is that that's the work, right?

The bravery in the moment to say, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this.

And then there's an

opportunity to kind of unpack it and really name it and talk about it.

And it's it's all the layers, right?

That that's really what healing justice is.

That really is what our work is, is it's all the layers all at the same time

and having the capacity to manage ourselves and be loving

and kind to each other while we process all the wild things that happened in life.

And so that's what you'll get to hear.

And there it is.

The next section of this episode includes a segment of the regular

recording that immediately preceded the incident,

which is, I think, you know, the perfect

introduction of the sacred pause, right?

Which is a tool and a practice

we use in all of our training and all of our work at BEAM.

It is the opportunity to pause, to get grounded, to

come back to your self a little bit,

recognizing that so many of us, we go from meeting to meeting.

to meeting, we have 10 million things we're responsible for in a day,

but how do we decompress?

How do we find center?

How do we speak from our heart, not just from our intellect or from our anxiety?

And so I'd love if you would like kind of share and talk

about what even a sacred pause is and how do we do that?

Yeah.

Can we pause for a minute?

Pause?

How's the feeling?

I feel fine. You don't?

Yeah, I feel like we're...

I feel like the pause break I don’t know, I feel like we're missing something.

Something feels off.

NATALIE: Well, also, we can bring it in wherever.

NATALIE: What do you want to be here?

I don't feel like the breath is here now.

I feel like we need to go to the Black Mental Health piece, because I'm also

I'm also worried we went too far in the weeds

in the beginning NATALIE: It's all editable as I had be.

But I do, did you feel that now.

NATALIE: I trust that they're going to cut the right things down.

NATALIE: I would rather have more than less YOLO: We’ll support them with the cuts.

Make sure we don't look crazy NATALIE: Just have more than less bother to work with.

Okay, that makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, because that was like feel like I was like I'm

I feel like going into breathing practice.

I was like, that feels weird for me now

because I feel like we haven't gone deep enough to go to the...

Does that mak sense?

Well, I think more depth will come and it can be inserted

wherever, but also like you can't have deep first thing

because also we're not trying to be deep first

right right...no, I'm with you.

I just don't I just didn't feel it didn't sink.

I didn't sink for me, that's why I had to pause.

I don't think I can so go into the breathing pause right now

It didn’t feel right. Okay. Tell me where you want to go and let's go.

(Off camera) Question.

(Off camera) We want to...

(Off camera) Do we want to pause? Like stop for a second?

(Off camera) Or we feel good that getting to it now?

I think we can continue getting to it now.

Yeah, you just have to drive.

To drive?

because I don't know where you want to go

but I'm down.

You down?

Okay.

(Off camera) If you need a moment

(Off camera) and then take a moment.

(Off camera) There's no pressure

(Off camera) or just going, you know, you change...

(Off camera) I wanted to say before we get that, let’s discuss this, you know?

Okay. now, now, enough of that.

(Off camera) Now, now, enough of that.

Okay.

Okay, I'll do that.

I will do that. Thank you for that.

Okay, so...

Okay

Before we get into that part, Natalie

I really want to talk about black mental health.

I want to talk about how we're in this now, this political moment

where everybody's talking about therapy and wellness and healing and

and realizing that we ain't always been there as folks.

Some of us still ain’t there not across the entire community.

Right. Right.

And I want to hold that like there's a beauty and power and what's happening.

But it's also kind of funkiness with it

like and the beauty and power is that like now we're having this moment,

we have conversations around trauma and healing and people

are realizing things about themselves.

And then the funkiness is I'm starting to see the ways

in which people are using mental health to shame people.

Girl, you just need to heal

I’m starting to see the ways

in which people are not recognizing that access to care is really difficult

for most of us. And difficult to navigate.

Even if you have access,

even if you have medical insurance and you have all the things lined up

now, it requires bravery and tenacity to continue to like

navigate our medical industrial complex, which is not user friendly.

YOLO: No, it's not. This ain’t, you know what I mean?

Like it is challenging to be like, okay, how do I find a therapist?

I remember calling my, you know, my doctor

and being like, Hey, I want to get a therapist.

And they were like, okay, well, what symptoms do you have?

And I was like, First of all, who are like, what?

And then they basically say,

I said, I want to make sure that the person is black.

And they said, Well, we don't screen for race.

We don't ask them what race they are.

And I was like, Well, how do I know they know what they talk...

You know, I was like, That ain't going to work for me.

Like, I need to know some specifics before I come and divulge

what's happening in my life. Right.

And I think that's true for so many people. Absolutely.

You know, I often say that, like it's important when you

when you're building a relationship with a therapist like you recognize it.

Like just like every barber who got a license can't cut your hair.

And every stylist who got a license can't style your hair.

Everybody who got a license, a therapist doesn't mean eliminates a match for you.

That's like the moment when you do, too.

Like this one I showed them. And then this will happen, right?

And you, like it went left so fast and it's like...

And so.

But you have to know how to navigate that, right?

That if you're in emotional distress and you're seeking help,

you may not have the clarity of mind to be like, Hey, so I want to make sure

that, you know, like

everybody doesn't know how to do that and doesn't feel the agency to do that.

And so how can we build systems that make sense for the people who are using them?

Absolutely. It makes sense.

I love this piece.

Another piece I think is really important to is holding this piece that often

people talk about, you know, black folks don't talk about mental health

or have not talked about mental health historically. Right.

Not true. Right.

And I feel like that's such a racist idea.

The idea that, like we talk about mental health

all the time, we have our own language for it. Absolutely.

I think I grew up here.

People say, she in a mood or, you know, so-and-so was touched

or so-and-so has got the blues.

There was language, but it wasn't the same language.

You weren't going around saying like, is that clinical depression?

And that's also because of the history of psychiatry, right?

In the ways in which our folks were treated

when institutionalized, not supportive, unkind,

unfriendly and frankly, just unhelpful. Right.

And so like people wanting to distance themselves from that kind of clinical

naming and shaming, frankly, to be able to just be like, how do we navigate this?

And how do we just say like, yeah, you know, I'm going through it, right?

We have all these catchphrases in our community

to describe the emotional distress that we're under

because the systems that we're a part of demonize us

and stigmatize us when we acknowledge like,

yeah, I don't feel like something's right. Right? Something feels wrong.

And now we got to be shamed

and like paperwork and all of these different things.

And I just don't think that's the way it has to be.

Yeah, that's not safe.

I think that's the piece of the piece to talk about, too.

Like, even as we talk about,

we have to hold that, even as we're talking about

getting people to get in the care

that so many of the dominant systems are not safe for them. Right.

They're like, we know that black folks who are experiencing mental health distress

like are more likely to get killed by the police.

We know that like,

I'm not listened to and supported when they go to get medical care.

Right. Or like when we go to get medical care. Right.

And so holding all those pieces is a part of the remix, right?

We can't just pretend like, everybody go to

therapy is like, that's not real life.

Like, let's talk about real life and the real struggles

and also understand therapy as an intervention for everybody, right?

Like there are a lot of other strategies and tools that are really helpful.

Like I think about tapping, which, you know, emotional freedom technique,

which has been proven effective to work with veterans.

A lot of like elders and folks love it.

Like, you know, as a strategy, to manage anxiety Absolutely.

I’m thinking about yoga

I'm thinking about Reiki, I'm thinking about church.

I think about all these things that are different things in our tool belts

that can be helpful,

that often are dismissed or denied as really valid strategies

for healing aloneness. And recognizing that,

you know, I think sometimes we think like we can only do one thing, right.

And I think about like my first experiences in college were yoga

And low key...

I really only took it because all the basketball players were taking yoga.

And so I was like, Well, I'm going to do it too, right?

And then I was like, You say 8:00 on a Friday.

I don't think I can follow through with this.

And also I learned that I got weak wrists and so I was like, This is painful to me.

I don't actually enjoy this.

And so while there are some optics that I did enjoy,

the wrist was weak and I was like

yoga is not, maybe is probably not for me.

Right?

And so being willing to try different things to find what is my thing, right.

And I think in our community trying and failure has higher risk in our community.

And so sometimes people are hesitant to try different kinds of things

because if you keep trying, some people are like,

you can never find the right thing.

You always do something different.

And it's like, Yeah, until I find the right thing that feels good for me.

YOLO: Yeah, tell me, tell me.

YOLO: I have no idea where were going

That’s why I was trying to take a secret pause

So I'd love to now like share a little bit

about how some of the practices that we utilize right.

That we find helpful that are empowering to us and that other folks can try on.

Right.

I know Yolo, you're offering a specific kind

of technique that you utilize and that is helpful for you.

And I'd love if you would like share that with us.

Yeah.

So one practice that I think is really helpful that is very

simple is called box breathing, right?

And so if you imagine a square or a box

and you imagine has four sides, the technique is really simple.

What it is is that you take a deep inhale through your nose, filling your belly

full for 4 seconds, then you hold that for 4 seconds,

then you release slowly for 4 seconds, and then you repeat.

And so can we just talk about this for a minute?

Because when I do this, I feel like I'm going to die.

It'll be like 4 seconds hold, and I'll be like, is it 4 seconds?

You know, be like the longest 4 seconds of your life when you gotta hold your breath.

And it's like we've definitely held our breath for a longer than 4 seconds.

But also that's like part of the anxiety, right?

Is like that's part of

the surrender is being with your body and like really integrating.

And so like for the folks who might be trying this

for the first time, it might feel uncomfortable, right?

Just like the first time we did anything, it probably was not like the most stellar

moment of our lives.

But I think there's some beauty in just trying things and seeing if it fits.

And that's why our practices are complaint based, right?

Because maybe today you like

Nat, that ain’t for me, girl. That ain’t it. And other days you might totally be like,

I remember this tool.

Maybe this is a good thing for me to utilize.

So let's try it today and see if today is the day now.

I’m crashing.

You’re crashing...yeah.

(Off camera) I was about to say...

I feel like I'm like I’m lost. You need sugar? What do you need?

I think I need food.

but I'm also like a little... I think we need to restructure.

I'm a little lost. I don't know where I'm going.

And I think that I think it's good we're having a conversation,

but I'm just like a little like,

Wait, where am I? I'm confused. What do you need to help...?

(Off camera) We can cut....

So I think what I need is some food because it's definitely mylunch time.

It's like 1:00, 2:00 I feel it in my body, right? Yes.

And then I think we need I think I need to know...

(Off camera) Sound cut.

It's okay. It's okay. Yeah.

When we returned to set prior to fully shooting, again,

we captured some of the behind the scenes conversation.

We want to share that with you

as opposed to fix it and actually tell someone

why this is this, this, this which is actually not helpful to people

who are having a moment where they might be activated or just exhausted.

So I want to share that because I just want to make sure I clear about that.

Like, it was very frustrating for me

because I was like, Whoa, I am really having a moment.

I mean, I'm my energy is already low. I'm like, already confused.

And then I feel like I'm getting things

that are not helpful when I've said what I need, you know?

So that's I want to say that and name that.

No ill will towards anyone.

appreciating everyone because like once again,

I recognize everyone's coming from this place of

I'm trying to help.

But I'm asking in the future they're like, you know, with all of us,

there are moments when we just like, we need to pause or we need to

refuel something

Let them have that . We don't have to go to try to rationalizing our social

Or trying to fix it for them.

Let them had that feeling and go to what they need to do.

That makes sense.

And I just want to share that.

Not that the intention of y’all... Like to like...

You know, I'm not trying to shame anybody or anything.

Like we all clearly showed up in my moment right.

But I just want to name it because I don't think I'm that a person

who likes like sit time, like something didn't happen.

Something did happen in this space

(Off camera) Everybody good?

(Off camera) Everybody's still wanna be here?

NATALIE: What did you say?

He said, Everybody still want to be?

They be like, Nah, I'm good. Yolo doing a lot.

He has a lot to say. He’s already doing a lot. It’s the MOST.

(Off camera) No, no, no.

(Off camera) We understand and appreciate that.

And I think that's a piece of me, too.

Like, it's like

recognizing and holding that like, when all of us

are in these moments, we all have these moments of tension, of distress.

We all are trying to respond in the way we know how to respond to support people,

and that some of our strategies are different.

Are not as refined as some other really developed,

some of them thoughtful. Whatever. They’re what we know.

Right.

And I think that like in that in those

in that moment, for me, it was just like, okay wait...

I actuall, the part I could have done differently

Was I could have just said, I need a break.

I need to actually step out.

I actually don't need

these other things that you all are offering graciously and thoughtfully.

But it's not actually what I need and it's actually making me more disregulated.

And what I think is like, this is what happens

in the midst of things, right?

Is like we don't have full clarity.

We don't have capacity to be perfectly eloquent.

Right, Right.

And articulate something absolutely. Like, those are ideals.

That's not the norm of how life happens.

And I think we punish each other when the norm doesn't happen.

Instead of going, that's life and let's keep rocking.

Yeah. And let's keep rocking, but let’s also keep learning.

Yes. Right.

So, like, you know, I think about... Not keep rocking and ignore what happens.

Keep knocking and rocking and learning and growing.

And giving each other grace.

Yeah,

because I think about like there's so many times

in which I've shown up in spaces

and communities

where I could have shown up and did something different,

but I didn't know how to do something different.

And it happens a million times a day.

And I think that's like the piece about the real practice, right?

But it also is a piece about like, you know, in that moment it's like,

am I listening to understand or am I listening to fix it?

Because if I'm listening to fix it, then I'm sometimes going

past the feeling, and sometimes the feeling is actually the fixing it.

The feeling is just like, you feel that way. Okay, bet.

Tell me about that feeling.

As opposed to like the fixing it,

which is sometimes we go to I'm going to talk you out of your feeling

or rationalize you as why you're feeling an emotion is not legit

and like our our is not sound.

And that actually is the gaslighting in many ways, right?

And so often..but it's common because we're taught to do that.

It's positive psychology ourselves out of our emotions.

And when you think about the history of our community...

Right? This is a strategy.

To survive... is we ain't got time to be in our feel...

Think about our grandparents and our mamas.

I was raised by a single mom.

She didn't have time

for all of my emotional distress every single day as I was aging

because she had to pay this light bill and we had to get in the car by 7:50.

And if we didn't,

I was going to be late to school and she was going to be late to work.

And then these white folks

was going to be talking to her wild.

That was the reality of our paradigm.

Right.

And so I just think about like, you know, when I can talk to my mom

now and be like, yo, the ways in which you were so like, have to be at school,

have to do this, have to do this, like, where was the fun in my childhood?

And she looks back and she's like, Yeah...

I was doing the best that I could.

And I and I can see that, right?

I can see it in the details.

She was trying to set me up for whatever success I wanted to have

without knowing what I could even become.

Right, because the world would be different by the time I would be an adult.

And it's a world she wasn't necessarily going to be a part of in the same way.

Yeah, I love that piece.

You said about setting up for success,

because I think there's a inter-generational piece to that, right?

So I think about like, same thing in my family.

Like, you know, I often talk about I love my family and like I remember

my mid twenties really getting my family, coming home to my mom and dad

and hugging them and that being so uncomfortable

because they were like, we're just not we're not touchy people.

The back get rigid. They like, Ohhh!

Why you huggin’ people? You touchin’ people.

Like that was not something they grew up having.

Right.

And and sometimes our family's idea of setting us up for success is

let me teach you that your feelings aren't valuable.

Let me teach you that your feelings need to be minimized.

Let me teach you to deny your feelings, because that's

the coping strategy that I've had and was passed down to me

to survive this environment.

And because when we keep it a buck, when you go out into White world

don't nobody care about how you feel.

They care about did you do your job or you didn't.

Yes. And the piece is it's the both, and.

It's like we aren't taught that like cultivate a space in your home

It's like we aren't taught that like cultivate a space in your home

in your family, in your friends somewhere

where you have safety

where you, where, emotional state... to where it's okay to have your feeling

that it's not there's not good or bad feelings...are only...

feelings are information.

Where we're not “shoulding” on our feelings so wherever we should, we shame, right?

But like, that's not what we've been taught

because our folks don't have the tools, sometimes in the resources.

So the feeling, so the teaching was for my moms and dads, from parents

talk yourself out of it, deny it, repress it,

and then we think about

so you can get back to what you need to do.

And then when we think about why there's so much mental health

distress in our communities, because we have generations of people

denying and talking themselves and minimizing

and gaslighting themselves out their feelings.

So now, as opposed to people being like, I'm angry, you're like,

Well, why are you angry? You shouldn't be angry because blah, blah, blah.

It’s like, Wait a second, hold on, I'm angry.

Let me have my anger.

I have a right to be angry. I have a right to be sad.

Like the sadness is not wrong.

Sadness is information.

It is something that I need to learn or grow from.

But that's counter to what we learn.

And it is counter to the culture.

In many ways.

But like our folks did not have the opportunities

that spaciousness that we now can swim in.

They did not have this.

And so they're teaching us only what they knew.

And that the challenge that we always have to our elders is and I

now live in a world that you don't fully participate in.

And so I express differently than you might because I have more space to.

And opportunity and privilege to do as well.

That like we live in a different world

where I don't have to suffocate my emotions in the same way

to survive and navigate.

I have other opportunities available to me and, you know, like

and I think it's also important to that even our

our imagining of history that we recognize

that there were black folks who are elders who also made those same spaces,

who made those spaces to heal, you know, even though they may common norm may be,

you know, repress, deny, it is what it is, as opposed to, you know, I feel grief.

And because in every family, there's always one maverick

who's like, No, I ain’t doing that.

What y’all on, I ain’t finna to do that and everybody, we say they weirdos.

Oh that's my aunt so and so, you know, she a little...

We do that to the person who's saying this space is too rigid for me.

I need more space.

We sometimes ostracize them.

And I think about like, you know, my dad one time saying,

you think you know everything now, right?

And I was like, No, I don't think I know everything

but the things I know, baby, I know, right?

And like, and, and that shame that then comes back in the community

when someone now has decided I want more, I want something different.

I want.

You know what I mean? It's the same thing

when you go to a cookout and you're like, I'm a vegetarian.

Everybody's like, What?

And it's like, I'm trying to do something else.

Like, dang, like, can you just get the vegan hot dogs and like, can we move on?

Like, why does it have to be a thing?

But it has to be a thing if we don't have other things in common.

Yes, there's multiple pieces I want to pull out there.

Like so the piece about the shame,

recognizing that when we have this conversation about mental health

and intergenerational mental health, that that will often

bring to elders, people we love and our family, our partners,

sometimes insights that make them aware

of themselves, that elicit shame in them.

Absolutely.

So I would go back to your your uncle or your father and say like,

hey, when you did this, this actually was hurtful to me and...

And in the and the reaction that a lot of folks have is often shame.

And I want to make a distinction

between shame and responsibility or shame and guilt.

Is that shame says I am a bad person

versus responsibility, saying I did a bad thing. Right?

And often in our culture we are taught

like I think about the poet June Jordan, where she says,

We are taught that wrong is our name as black folks,

our elders have been taught that wrong is their name.

And so whenever someone comes to you and gives you that feedback, you mean

they think I'm a bad person as opposed to I learned something that was not helpful.

I did something that was harmful.

I can make a different choice, right?

And so I think it's important

that when we talk about intergenerational conversations,

when we're having conversations about elders

or just our folks in communities who aren't as resourced as us, like,

who may not be, this ain’t they jam

they ain’t in this all the time

that we understand

we come in with compassion being like seeing

that we were those people we were at that point to, right.

I can't, I can't say, I can say now 20 plus years

doing public health and mental health work where I'm at now.

But 20 years ago I was out here doing the same dumb like...

like I can look back on choices I made, which were reflective

of what my parents taught me, who just passing down what they knew.

And now I can have different strategies and tools

which have been intentionally held back from black people.

Right?

Strategies and tools that have been intentionally held back from us

frameworks that we were not giving access to.

And so now we have the privilege to be able to hold that.

But I can also see to have the grace, because when I see somebody showing up

in a way that people feel like, I can't believe they're acting like that,

I see myself.

And I think it's also such an opportunity to have curiosity

that like when I'm, when I am activated,

I'm immediately like, what's happening for me?

Like, what is this eliciting

such that I'm having this emotional response?

And I think we've been shamed out of curiosity.

Curiosity is dangerous.

And so that's the first place I want to go.

I want to first go to Curiosity.

What's what's and what's being awakened in me and why? What's the opportunity here?

And then we think about we've been shamed out of curiosity.

We've been beaten out of curiosity.

like so much of we think about intergenerationally, what black folks,

what we've had our our forefathers, our grandparents had to do.

It was or chose to do to protect us, was like I got to beat the curiosity

out of you because the white world will kill you for your curious. Yes.

Like iterally, literally kill you.

And so now we have generations where we're in many ways

that still is still very true, but shifted in some contexts.

But the behavior is still global.

As if we don't have opportunity

to be curious in some places, and that psychic knowing of like that,

many of us didn't make it... because we were curious..

That's embedded in our DNA, that protection of don't

do too much because you know, it ain't actually safe.

Right.

And whether we contend with that each day or not,

I think depends on the amount of privilege we hold.

Right. I think about that...

I think about my safety as a woman existing in a female body. Right.

Like I think about physical safety all the time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I sleep with my bedroom door locked in my own house because I go, Well, but

let me have all the

barriers so nobody can say, Well, why didn't you...?

Right?

Because we know that when women

experience violence in the world, people ask them, Well, why didn't you?

X, Y, Z.

And so as a black woman, as a queer woman, as a right, I have all my markers.

I go, Well, did I do everything? So that when something bad happens,

I can say, No, I did everything.

It's not because it was my fault this time.

And that's the subtext to many of our experiences,

is we're trying to put up these parameters

so that we know we checked all the boxes to say that it equals the right thing.

So we should have good mental health because I did all the things.

And then when it's still all the things ain’t showing up

because we might be experiencing mental illness that might be ongoing,

right, then we're in even more distress because we're like,

I did the things, I went to the yoga, I did this, I went to the therapist.

How come I'm still not well?

And it's like, because, well, ain't a landing point.

It ain't a destination.

It's a thing you're going to constantly interact with.

(music plays).

So reflecting back on that,

an affirmation for me in this moment,

because I'd like to close the space with an affirmation

that maybe I have multiple affirmations.

Okay? Honey, you can have all the ones you want.

The first affirmation I have is

I know that

I come from communities where or environments where

I internalize that I should never feel angry

that it's not okay to be emote emotive.

And I think some of that came from me seeing people be emotive and me experience

the ways they were emotive and made me feel even my own feelings about that.

But I'm trying to honor that.

My, my anger, my frustration is valid and okay, it's okay not to be people

pleasing in an appeasement mode all the time.

And so I think that's a big lesson for me.

And it's also I think other affirmation for me is also honoring that,

you know,

that our

folks care, our folks show up for us and in care

and with the with what they know how to show up and care with.

Right.

And that it's not it's not coming from a place of like, you know, of ill intent.

It's just like, no, I'm trying to help.

And sometimes we don't know what the thing the help is most useful.

I think you said about what Teyae said, like, I don't know.

And that's one of the most powerful things

you can say when it comes to mental health

and healing work, I don't know

Because now there's possibility. Now there’s possibility and there's honesty

as opposed to like, you know, scrambling, which is really easy.

And we’re encouraged to do because we because I feel we live in a culture

tells us that you suppose to know what's happening.

Suppose to know how to fix it. Honey, we just don't know everything.

We don't. We ain't gon...

Praise God. This ain't Ask Jeeves.

We don't know everything. We don't know.

Ask Jeeves, is that sill around?

I don't know.

But I've heard...

That’s a very random reference that you just...

You know, this brain of mine

it’ll take you places.

So for you,

you know, being a part of this as well, what was

what is an affirmation that you are taking away for it?

I think I'm taking away

and like standing with that

that I come from a world where I have to have the answer.

That I have to know what to do.

I have to know how to delegate.

And sometimes it is...doing this.

And going we gon’ figure it out and not having to have the answer.

And I think that is the beauty and the liberation in the moment.

So that's what I'm taking away.

Thanks for joining us.

We're just delighted to be able to do this work.

I'll speak for myself, but I know this is true for you too.

I'm delighted to do this work, to be in conversation, to talk about the hard,

messy, sticky stuff because it makes us a richer, fuller and more beautiful.

And so wherever you are, we just are sending

you love and peace

and safety and all the things that you might need.

Want to encourage you to think of your own affirmation

and to let you know that we are rooting for you, we see you

and we can't wait to be back with you.

All right.

(music plays)

It’s your girl Natalie back at it again with another tip, another way to resource yourself,

Something I really love are card decks, right?

You can find them really all over the place,

but you can find one that speaks to your heart.

I know everybody is not a tarot bey, but you might be an affirmation bey

and really affirmations can be for everybody

because it's just words that speak to our heart a little bit.

I love to do this first thing in the morning, right?

You can find a deck that speaks to you and maybe shuffle a little bit,

maybe put some energy on it. Right.

And just pull a card.

This one says I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.

It's an opportunity to talk with yourself, to take a pause, to remember

that you're greater than your circumstances. Right?

You might be navigating some hard things and some kind words often help us.

And so maybe a deck is a thing you want to try out this week.