1 00:00:01,134 --> 00:00:03,937 This episode includes a discussion of sensitive topics 2 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:07,841 related to mental health and may be activating for some viewers. 3 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:10,076 We encourage you to take care of yourself. 4 00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:15,448 For support and resources, visit BEAM.COMMUNITY/GETHELPNOW 5 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:18,685 This episode is unlike every other episode this season. 6 00:00:18,718 --> 00:00:22,522 While filming, we had the opportunity to navigate distress in real time. 7 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:26,126 We invite you behind the scenes and into the process 8 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:29,329 of healing and repair. 9 00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:30,897 Welcome back. I'm Natalie. 10 00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:32,032 And I'm Yolo. 11 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:35,702 And this is the Black Healing Remix podcast. 12 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:39,372 (music plays) 13 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:42,108 We’re so excited to be back 14 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:45,612 but we have a little special... we're doing something different today. 15 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,013 Okay. 16 00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:50,050 You know, a big part of BEAM - one of our common 17 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:53,987 phrases we say is that we are the work and whatever is in the moment is the work. 18 00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:56,589 And so this episode, we want to use 19 00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:59,492 a real life situation is happening on the happen on our cast. 20 00:00:59,492 --> 00:01:01,061 on our set 21 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:04,464 as an opportunity to kind of talk about the work and talk about the moment. 22 00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:08,501 And so we're going, that's, that's what this episode is going to be about. 23 00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:09,736 Do you have anything you wanna add to that, Natalie? 24 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,971 Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, the reality is, 25 00:01:11,971 --> 00:01:14,941 is we play on a lot of things and then life happens. 26 00:01:15,041 --> 00:01:17,243 And so how do we navigate the life happening? 27 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:20,947 And I think it's a perfect opportunity to practice what our beliefs are 28 00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:21,815 and to model it, 29 00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:25,819 to demonstrate it right, and to fumble and recover...to fumble and recover. 30 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,054 And that's really what practice is actually about. 31 00:01:28,054 --> 00:01:30,890 Because it's always a lesson in the failure 32 00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:32,826 Hundred percent. And that's where the growth happens. 33 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:35,028 If you're not failing, you're not growing. Absolutely. 34 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:39,132 And I feel like this episode hopefully will be a fruitful conversation 35 00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:43,169 for you as you are growing, failing, fumbling, succeeding, winning, 36 00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:46,940 and just figuring out how to navigate your own emotions and experiences. 37 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:50,009 Essentially what happened is I was in conversation with Natalie. 38 00:01:50,009 --> 00:01:52,712 Cameras were rolling and I felt my energy shift. 39 00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:57,150 Baby I looked over and I said, The battery is dying, the battery has died. 40 00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:59,219 And I think in addition to the shifting 41 00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:01,621 I had in my head a certain vision of where we're going, 42 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,123 and it just seemed like we were going somewhere else. 43 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:06,526 And so I was a little disappointed on top of being kind of my battery low 44 00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:10,363 and then we cut the cameras and then really people came into 45 00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:14,367 the crew came in very thoughtfully trying to be supportive. 46 00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:15,735 But in that moment 47 00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:19,105 I communicated that, hey, I just need food and I need a break. 48 00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:22,842 And I think people were offering me, you know, a lot more framing about like, 49 00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:26,346 this is how podcast work and this is, you know, it's okay to be 50 00:02:26,412 --> 00:02:28,815 that you're, that you're confused about where to go. 51 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:32,218 And a lot of that for me in the moment, felt like I was being mansplained to 52 00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:35,021 or gaslit in terms of just being honored, in terms of like, Hey, 53 00:02:35,054 --> 00:02:36,055 you need a break. 54 00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:38,691 You feel like confused. Take a break. Come back. 55 00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:41,828 And so for me, that's the trigger for me activated me because I'm getting 56 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,364 frustrated because I'm just like, hey, I just actually need a break. 57 00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:46,833 And to reorient and need food. 58 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:50,370 And I think people are thoughtfully and carefully in a caring way, coming back 59 00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:53,806 and trying to offer me solutions that aren't really about 60 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,842 that are more about fixing the situation more than like 61 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:59,078 actually I just said what I need and I need to get that. 62 00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:03,283 And so I think that, like what happened in that moment was, you know, 63 00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:06,553 a teachable moment for me because I felt my frustration. 64 00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:10,056 And I'm sure it also created a feeling some experienced people on the set 65 00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:11,157 as well. 66 00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:13,793 And then when we came back after I had some talking with Natalie, 67 00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:16,796 had time to process and I got some food 68 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:17,797 we had to talk about it 69 00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:20,567 came back because for me it was really important. 70 00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:22,702 I just didn’t want to come back to the space and then we not talk about, Hey, 71 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:23,636 what has happened? 72 00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:24,904 And then I share. 73 00:03:24,904 --> 00:03:26,539 This is what I experienced. 74 00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:29,108 And that led to a broader conversation. 75 00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:32,212 YOLO: So... And what I love about you 76 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:36,783 really is that, you know, sometimes we're in opposition about this, right? 77 00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:38,184 I am very strategic. 78 00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:41,054 I'd be like, what do I want to say and when and what's that going to create? 79 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,623 And Yolo’s like I need to say the thing 80 00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:45,792 I need to say the thing right now, because if I can’t say the thing 81 00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,994 it ain't going to be I ain't gonna be able to move on. 82 00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:49,395 And I'd be like, okay, 83 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:52,332 because I, I've existed in this black woman body and I'd be like 84 00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:54,567 Honey, I got to be strategic. 85 00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:55,535 And so I love that 86 00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:58,538 we got to process that too, that some of that is gendered, right? 87 00:03:58,605 --> 00:04:01,608 About what we get to say and when we get to say it. 88 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,744 And what I love about you like having the bravery right 89 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,946 to honor yourself in a moment where we're working 90 00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:09,349 with people who are wonderful, but we don't know well. 91 00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:10,883 Right? 92 00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:13,186 Is that you stood in that 93 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:16,856 right and didn't ask for anything but wanted to share the experience. 94 00:04:16,856 --> 00:04:17,657 Right. 95 00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:22,128 And what I love is Teyae who is supporting us with sound 96 00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:25,031 said, You know, I don't know if I should apologize. 97 00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:27,934 I'm not exactly sure what to do. 98 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:32,939 And what I love about that is that that's the work, right? 99 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:38,711 The bravery in the moment to say, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this. 100 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:39,512 And then there's an 101 00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:42,615 opportunity to kind of unpack it and really name it and talk about it. 102 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,617 And it's it's all the layers, right? 103 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,586 That that's really what healing justice is. 104 00:04:46,586 --> 00:04:51,324 That really is what our work is, is it's all the layers all at the same time 105 00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:55,495 and having the capacity to manage ourselves and be loving 106 00:04:55,495 --> 00:05:00,566 and kind to each other while we process all the wild things that happened in life. 107 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:04,270 And so that's what you'll get to hear. 108 00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:05,371 And there it is. 109 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:08,708 The next section of this episode includes a segment of the regular 110 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:12,145 recording that immediately preceded the incident, 111 00:05:12,211 --> 00:05:14,147 which is, I think, you know, the perfect 112 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,483 introduction of the sacred pause, right? 113 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:19,052 Which is a tool and a practice 114 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:22,789 we use in all of our training and all of our work at BEAM. 115 00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:26,592 It is the opportunity to pause, to get grounded, to 116 00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:28,628 come back to your self a little bit, 117 00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:30,797 recognizing that so many of us, we go from meeting to meeting. 118 00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:35,301 to meeting, we have 10 million things we're responsible for in a day, 119 00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:37,036 but how do we decompress? 120 00:05:37,036 --> 00:05:38,905 How do we find center? 121 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:43,876 How do we speak from our heart, not just from our intellect or from our anxiety? 122 00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:46,245 And so I'd love if you would like kind of share and talk 123 00:05:46,245 --> 00:05:49,349 about what even a sacred pause is and how do we do that? 124 00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:50,249 Yeah. 125 00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:52,118 Can we pause for a minute? 126 00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:54,620 Pause? 127 00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:55,655 How's the feeling? 128 00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,824 I feel fine. You don't? 129 00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:59,492 Yeah, I feel like we're... 130 00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:02,295 I feel like the pause break I don’t know, I feel like we're missing something. 131 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:03,329 Something feels off. 132 00:06:03,329 --> 00:06:06,733 NATALIE: Well, also, we can bring it in wherever. 133 00:06:06,799 --> 00:06:07,667 NATALIE: What do you want to be here? 134 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,569 I don't feel like the breath is here now. 135 00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:13,072 I feel like we need to go to the Black Mental Health piece, because I'm also 136 00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:14,607 I'm also worried we went too far in the weeds 137 00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:17,310 in the beginning NATALIE: It's all editable as I had be. 138 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,612 But I do, did you feel that now. 139 00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:22,615 NATALIE: I trust that they're going to cut the right things down. 140 00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:25,685 NATALIE: I would rather have more than less YOLO: We’ll support them with the cuts. 141 00:06:25,685 --> 00:06:29,255 Make sure we don't look crazy NATALIE: Just have more than less bother to work with. 142 00:06:29,288 --> 00:06:30,690 Okay, that makes a lot of sense. 143 00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:32,258 Yeah, because that was like feel like I was like I'm 144 00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:33,726 I feel like going into breathing practice. 145 00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:35,161 I was like, that feels weird for me now 146 00:06:35,161 --> 00:06:37,864 because I feel like we haven't gone deep enough to go to the... 147 00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:38,765 Does that mak sense? 148 00:06:38,831 --> 00:06:42,235 Well, I think more depth will come and it can be inserted 149 00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:45,605 wherever, but also like you can't have deep first thing 150 00:06:45,671 --> 00:06:47,407 because also we're not trying to be deep first 151 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,674 right right...no, I'm with you. 152 00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:51,177 I just don't I just didn't feel it didn't sink. 153 00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:52,879 I didn't sink for me, that's why I had to pause. 154 00:06:52,879 --> 00:06:54,580 I don't think I can so go into the breathing pause right now 155 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:59,118 It didn’t feel right. Okay. Tell me where you want to go and let's go. 156 00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:00,486 (Off camera) Question. 157 00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:01,154 (Off camera) We want to... 158 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:04,023 (Off camera) Do we want to pause? Like stop for a second? 159 00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,559 (Off camera) Or we feel good that getting to it now? 160 00:07:06,659 --> 00:07:08,161 I think we can continue getting to it now. 161 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,362 Yeah, you just have to drive. 162 00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:10,463 To drive? 163 00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:11,931 because I don't know where you want to go 164 00:07:12,331 --> 00:07:13,199 but I'm down. 165 00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,268 You down? 166 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:15,835 Okay. 167 00:07:15,835 --> 00:07:17,470 (Off camera) If you need a moment 168 00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:19,839 (Off camera) and then take a moment. 169 00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:21,774 (Off camera) There's no pressure 170 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:25,244 (Off camera) or just going, you know, you change... 171 00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:30,483 (Off camera) I wanted to say before we get that, let’s discuss this, you know? 172 00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:31,217 Okay. now, now, enough of that. 173 00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:33,753 (Off camera) Now, now, enough of that. 174 00:07:33,853 --> 00:07:34,554 Okay. 175 00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:35,288 Okay, I'll do that. 176 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,123 I will do that. Thank you for that. 177 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,158 Okay, so... 178 00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:40,993 Okay 179 00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:42,929 Before we get into that part, Natalie 180 00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:47,166 I really want to talk about black mental health. 181 00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:50,403 I want to talk about how we're in this now, this political moment 182 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:54,474 where everybody's talking about therapy and wellness and healing and 183 00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:58,211 and realizing that we ain't always been there as folks. 184 00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,047 Some of us still ain’t there not across the entire community. 185 00:08:01,047 --> 00:08:02,215 Right. Right. 186 00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:05,918 And I want to hold that like there's a beauty and power and what's happening. 187 00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:07,920 But it's also kind of funkiness with it 188 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,923 like and the beauty and power is that like now we're having this moment, 189 00:08:10,923 --> 00:08:14,160 we have conversations around trauma and healing and people 190 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,795 are realizing things about themselves. 191 00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,730 And then the funkiness is I'm starting to see the ways 192 00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:20,933 in which people are using mental health to shame people. 193 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,935 Girl, you just need to heal 194 00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,504 I’m starting to see the ways 195 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:28,074 in which people are not recognizing that access to care is really difficult 196 00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:30,676 for most of us. And difficult to navigate. 197 00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:31,744 Even if you have access, 198 00:08:31,744 --> 00:08:35,648 even if you have medical insurance and you have all the things lined up 199 00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:40,086 now, it requires bravery and tenacity to continue to like 200 00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:44,690 navigate our medical industrial complex, which is not user friendly. 201 00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,592 YOLO: No, it's not. This ain’t, you know what I mean? 202 00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:49,729 Like it is challenging to be like, okay, how do I find a therapist? 203 00:08:49,729 --> 00:08:52,431 I remember calling my, you know, my doctor 204 00:08:52,431 --> 00:08:54,166 and being like, Hey, I want to get a therapist. 205 00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:57,370 And they were like, okay, well, what symptoms do you have? 206 00:08:57,403 --> 00:09:01,240 And I was like, First of all, who are like, what? 207 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:03,276 And then they basically say, 208 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,177 I said, I want to make sure that the person is black. 209 00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:06,679 And they said, Well, we don't screen for race. 210 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:08,314 We don't ask them what race they are. 211 00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:10,550 And I was like, Well, how do I know they know what they talk... 212 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,885 You know, I was like, That ain't going to work for me. 213 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:16,622 Like, I need to know some specifics before I come and divulge 214 00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:18,658 what's happening in my life. Right. 215 00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:21,327 And I think that's true for so many people. Absolutely. 216 00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:24,297 You know, I often say that, like it's important when you 217 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:27,366 when you're building a relationship with a therapist like you recognize it. 218 00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:30,836 Like just like every barber who got a license can't cut your hair. 219 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,906 And every stylist who got a license can't style your hair. 220 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,809 Everybody who got a license, a therapist doesn't mean eliminates a match for you. 221 00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:38,311 That's like the moment when you do, too. 222 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,980 Like this one I showed them. And then this will happen, right? 223 00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:44,383 And you, like it went left so fast and it's like... 224 00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:45,151 And so. 225 00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:47,219 But you have to know how to navigate that, right? 226 00:09:47,219 --> 00:09:50,222 That if you're in emotional distress and you're seeking help, 227 00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:53,826 you may not have the clarity of mind to be like, Hey, so I want to make sure 228 00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:55,361 that, you know, like 229 00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:58,764 everybody doesn't know how to do that and doesn't feel the agency to do that. 230 00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:02,268 And so how can we build systems that make sense for the people who are using them? 231 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,603 Absolutely. It makes sense. 232 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,303 I love this piece. 233 00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:07,440 Another piece I think is really important to is holding this piece that often 234 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,443 people talk about, you know, black folks don't talk about mental health 235 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,812 or have not talked about mental health historically. Right. 236 00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,280 Not true. Right. 237 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,882 And I feel like that's such a racist idea. 238 00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:18,584 The idea that, like we talk about mental health 239 00:10:18,584 --> 00:10:20,786 all the time, we have our own language for it. Absolutely. 240 00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:21,687 I think I grew up here. 241 00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:24,857 People say, she in a mood or, you know, so-and-so was touched 242 00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:26,826 or so-and-so has got the blues. 243 00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,995 There was language, but it wasn't the same language. 244 00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:30,997 You weren't going around saying like, is that clinical depression? 245 00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:35,034 And that's also because of the history of psychiatry, right? 246 00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:37,069 In the ways in which our folks were treated 247 00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:40,306 when institutionalized, not supportive, unkind, 248 00:10:40,539 --> 00:10:43,175 unfriendly and frankly, just unhelpful. Right. 249 00:10:43,175 --> 00:10:47,013 And so like people wanting to distance themselves from that kind of clinical 250 00:10:47,079 --> 00:10:51,784 naming and shaming, frankly, to be able to just be like, how do we navigate this? 251 00:10:51,784 --> 00:10:55,221 And how do we just say like, yeah, you know, I'm going through it, right? 252 00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:57,423 We have all these catchphrases in our community 253 00:10:57,423 --> 00:11:00,893 to describe the emotional distress that we're under 254 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,397 because the systems that we're a part of demonize us 255 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,099 and stigmatize us when we acknowledge like, 256 00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:10,536 yeah, I don't feel like something's right. Right? Something feels wrong. 257 00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:11,737 And now we got to be shamed 258 00:11:11,737 --> 00:11:14,607 and like paperwork and all of these different things. 259 00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,409 And I just don't think that's the way it has to be. 260 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:17,510 Yeah, that's not safe. 261 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,111 I think that's the piece of the piece to talk about, too. 262 00:11:19,111 --> 00:11:21,080 Like, even as we talk about, 263 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,682 we have to hold that, even as we're talking about 264 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,550 getting people to get in the care 265 00:11:24,550 --> 00:11:26,852 that so many of the dominant systems are not safe for them. Right. 266 00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:30,222 They're like, we know that black folks who are experiencing mental health distress 267 00:11:30,389 --> 00:11:32,425 like are more likely to get killed by the police. 268 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,426 We know that like, 269 00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:36,262 I'm not listened to and supported when they go to get medical care. 270 00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:38,297 Right. Or like when we go to get medical care. Right. 271 00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:41,701 And so holding all those pieces is a part of the remix, right? 272 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,235 We can't just pretend like, everybody go to 273 00:11:43,235 --> 00:11:44,704 therapy is like, that's not real life. 274 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,906 Like, let's talk about real life and the real struggles 275 00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:49,642 and also understand therapy as an intervention for everybody, right? 276 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,211 Like there are a lot of other strategies and tools that are really helpful. 277 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:55,081 Like I think about tapping, which, you know, emotional freedom technique, 278 00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:57,249 which has been proven effective to work with veterans. 279 00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:58,884 A lot of like elders and folks love it. 280 00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,320 Like, you know, as a strategy, to manage anxiety Absolutely. 281 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,388 I’m thinking about yoga 282 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,323 I'm thinking about Reiki, I'm thinking about church. 283 00:12:04,323 --> 00:12:07,126 I think about all these things that are different things in our tool belts 284 00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:08,194 that can be helpful, 285 00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:11,330 that often are dismissed or denied as really valid strategies 286 00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:13,532 for healing aloneness. And recognizing that, 287 00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:17,203 you know, I think sometimes we think like we can only do one thing, right. 288 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:20,573 And I think about like my first experiences in college were yoga 289 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:21,407 And low key... 290 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,376 I really only took it because all the basketball players were taking yoga. 291 00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:27,079 And so I was like, Well, I'm going to do it too, right? 292 00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:28,848 And then I was like, You say 8:00 on a Friday. 293 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:30,249 I don't think I can follow through with this. 294 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:34,854 And also I learned that I got weak wrists and so I was like, This is painful to me. 295 00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:36,589 I don't actually enjoy this. 296 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:39,658 And so while there are some optics that I did enjoy, 297 00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:41,427 the wrist was weak and I was like 298 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:44,063 yoga is not, maybe is probably not for me. 299 00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:44,530 Right? 300 00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:49,201 And so being willing to try different things to find what is my thing, right. 301 00:12:49,201 --> 00:12:54,473 And I think in our community trying and failure has higher risk in our community. 302 00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:57,676 And so sometimes people are hesitant to try different kinds of things 303 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,912 because if you keep trying, some people are like, 304 00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:01,180 you can never find the right thing. 305 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:02,615 You always do something different. 306 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,851 And it's like, Yeah, until I find the right thing that feels good for me. 307 00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:09,522 YOLO: Yeah, tell me, tell me. 308 00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:11,357 YOLO: I have no idea where were going 309 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,995 That’s why I was trying to take a secret pause 310 00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:20,566 So I'd love to now like share a little bit 311 00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:24,603 about how some of the practices that we utilize right. 312 00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:29,041 That we find helpful that are empowering to us and that other folks can try on. 313 00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:30,075 Right. 314 00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:32,745 I know Yolo, you're offering a specific kind 315 00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:35,981 of technique that you utilize and that is helpful for you. 316 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,284 And I'd love if you would like share that with us. 317 00:13:38,284 --> 00:13:39,185 Yeah. 318 00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:41,987 So one practice that I think is really helpful that is very 319 00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:44,990 simple is called box breathing, right? 320 00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:48,027 And so if you imagine a square or a box 321 00:13:48,227 --> 00:13:52,364 and you imagine has four sides, the technique is really simple. 322 00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:55,935 What it is is that you take a deep inhale through your nose, filling your belly 323 00:13:55,935 --> 00:14:00,072 full for 4 seconds, then you hold that for 4 seconds, 324 00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:03,509 then you release slowly for 4 seconds, and then you repeat. 325 00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:05,477 And so can we just talk about this for a minute? 326 00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:09,215 Because when I do this, I feel like I'm going to die. 327 00:14:09,281 --> 00:14:12,218 It'll be like 4 seconds hold, and I'll be like, is it 4 seconds? 328 00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:15,087 You know, be like the longest 4 seconds of your life when you gotta hold your breath. 329 00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:17,957 And it's like we've definitely held our breath for a longer than 4 seconds. 330 00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,392 But also that's like part of the anxiety, right? 331 00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:21,193 Is like that's part of 332 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:25,231 the surrender is being with your body and like really integrating. 333 00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:27,366 And so like for the folks who might be trying this 334 00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:31,103 for the first time, it might feel uncomfortable, right? 335 00:14:31,237 --> 00:14:35,541 Just like the first time we did anything, it probably was not like the most stellar 336 00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:36,542 moment of our lives. 337 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:43,549 But I think there's some beauty in just trying things and seeing if it fits. 338 00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:45,918 And that's why our practices are complaint based, right? 339 00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:47,119 Because maybe today you like 340 00:14:47,119 --> 00:14:52,124 Nat, that ain’t for me, girl. That ain’t it. And other days you might totally be like, 341 00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:53,058 I remember this tool. 342 00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:55,327 Maybe this is a good thing for me to utilize. 343 00:14:55,327 --> 00:15:01,066 So let's try it today and see if today is the day now. 344 00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,101 I’m crashing. 345 00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:03,002 You’re crashing...yeah. 346 00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:04,937 (Off camera) I was about to say... 347 00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:07,606 I feel like I'm like I’m lost. You need sugar? What do you need? 348 00:15:07,606 --> 00:15:07,907 I think I need food. 349 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,909 but I'm also like a little... I think we need to restructure. 350 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,244 I'm a little lost. I don't know where I'm going. 351 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,246 And I think that I think it's good we're having a conversation, 352 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:15,247 but I'm just like a little like, 353 00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:19,051 Wait, where am I? I'm confused. What do you need to help...? 354 00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:21,186 (Off camera) We can cut.... 355 00:15:21,186 --> 00:15:23,522 So I think what I need is some food because it's definitely mylunch time. 356 00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:25,424 It's like 1:00, 2:00 I feel it in my body, right? Yes. 357 00:15:28,227 --> 00:15:30,863 And then I think we need I think I need to know... 358 00:15:32,331 --> 00:15:35,234 (Off camera) Sound cut. 359 00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:37,503 It's okay. It's okay. Yeah. 360 00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:40,940 When we returned to set prior to fully shooting, again, 361 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,043 we captured some of the behind the scenes conversation. 362 00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:45,577 We want to share that with you 363 00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:48,180 as opposed to fix it and actually tell someone 364 00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:50,883 why this is this, this, this which is actually not helpful to people 365 00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:54,787 who are having a moment where they might be activated or just exhausted. 366 00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:57,690 So I want to share that because I just want to make sure I clear about that. 367 00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,091 Like, it was very frustrating for me 368 00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:01,994 because I was like, Whoa, I am really having a moment. 369 00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:04,863 I mean, I'm my energy is already low. I'm like, already confused. 370 00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:06,298 And then I feel like I'm getting things 371 00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:09,301 that are not helpful when I've said what I need, you know? 372 00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:11,170 So that's I want to say that and name that. 373 00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:12,638 No ill will towards anyone. 374 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,306 appreciating everyone because like once again, 375 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,575 I recognize everyone's coming from this place of 376 00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:18,210 I'm trying to help. 377 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,747 But I'm asking in the future they're like, you know, with all of us, 378 00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:23,849 there are moments when we just like, we need to pause or we need to 379 00:16:23,849 --> 00:16:24,750 refuel something 380 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:28,354 Let them have that . We don't have to go to try to rationalizing our social 381 00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:29,855 Or trying to fix it for them. 382 00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:32,291 Let them had that feeling and go to what they need to do. 383 00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:34,259 That makes sense. 384 00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:35,394 And I just want to share that. 385 00:16:35,394 --> 00:16:37,329 Not that the intention of y’all... Like to like... 386 00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:39,932 You know, I'm not trying to shame anybody or anything. 387 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:42,901 Like we all clearly showed up in my moment right. 388 00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,137 But I just want to name it because I don't think I'm that a person 389 00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:47,206 who likes like sit time, like something didn't happen. 390 00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:51,143 Something did happen in this space 391 00:16:54,446 --> 00:16:55,114 (Off camera) Everybody good? 392 00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:58,117 (Off camera) Everybody's still wanna be here? 393 00:16:58,317 --> 00:17:00,085 NATALIE: What did you say? 394 00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:02,354 He said, Everybody still want to be? 395 00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,623 They be like, Nah, I'm good. Yolo doing a lot. 396 00:17:04,623 --> 00:17:09,695 He has a lot to say. He’s already doing a lot. It’s the MOST. 397 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:10,429 (Off camera) No, no, no. 398 00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:12,831 (Off camera) We understand and appreciate that. 399 00:17:12,831 --> 00:17:13,966 And I think that's a piece of me, too. 400 00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:15,801 Like, it's like 401 00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:18,404 recognizing and holding that like, when all of us 402 00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:22,141 are in these moments, we all have these moments of tension, of distress. 403 00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:26,412 We all are trying to respond in the way we know how to respond to support people, 404 00:17:26,512 --> 00:17:28,814 and that some of our strategies are different. 405 00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:30,783 Are not as refined as some other really developed, 406 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,152 some of them thoughtful. Whatever. They’re what we know. 407 00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:34,186 Right. 408 00:17:34,186 --> 00:17:35,687 And I think that like in that in those 409 00:17:35,687 --> 00:17:37,890 in that moment, for me, it was just like, okay wait... 410 00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,426 I actuall, the part I could have done differently 411 00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:42,828 Was I could have just said, I need a break. 412 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,596 I need to actually step out. 413 00:17:44,596 --> 00:17:45,597 I actually don't need 414 00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:48,634 these other things that you all are offering graciously and thoughtfully. 415 00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:53,138 But it's not actually what I need and it's actually making me more disregulated. 416 00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:55,908 And what I think is like, this is what happens 417 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,576 in the midst of things, right? 418 00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,412 Is like we don't have full clarity. 419 00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:03,916 We don't have capacity to be perfectly eloquent. 420 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:04,616 Right, Right. 421 00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:07,853 And articulate something absolutely. Like, those are ideals. 422 00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:10,422 That's not the norm of how life happens. 423 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:13,725 And I think we punish each other when the norm doesn't happen. 424 00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:18,163 Instead of going, that's life and let's keep rocking. 425 00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:20,099 Yeah. And let's keep rocking, but let’s also keep learning. 426 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:20,699 Yes. Right. 427 00:18:20,699 --> 00:18:23,602 So, like, you know, I think about... Not keep rocking and ignore what happens. 428 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:25,537 Keep knocking and rocking and learning and growing. 429 00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:26,738 And giving each other grace. 430 00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:27,005 Yeah, 431 00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:28,440 because I think about like there's so many times 432 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,641 in which I've shown up in spaces 433 00:18:29,641 --> 00:18:30,175 and communities 434 00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:31,910 where I could have shown up and did something different, 435 00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:33,545 but I didn't know how to do something different. 436 00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,614 And it happens a million times a day. 437 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,817 And I think that's like the piece about the real practice, right? 438 00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:41,386 But it also is a piece about like, you know, in that moment it's like, 439 00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:45,357 am I listening to understand or am I listening to fix it? 440 00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:47,893 Because if I'm listening to fix it, then I'm sometimes going 441 00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:50,896 past the feeling, and sometimes the feeling is actually the fixing it. 442 00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:53,365 The feeling is just like, you feel that way. Okay, bet. 443 00:18:53,565 --> 00:18:54,867 Tell me about that feeling. 444 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,502 As opposed to like the fixing it, 445 00:18:56,502 --> 00:18:59,538 which is sometimes we go to I'm going to talk you out of your feeling 446 00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:03,075 or rationalize you as why you're feeling an emotion is not legit 447 00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:05,310 and like our our is not sound. 448 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:08,280 And that actually is the gaslighting in many ways, right? 449 00:19:08,413 --> 00:19:10,315 And so often..but it's common because we're taught to do that. 450 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:13,485 It's positive psychology ourselves out of our emotions. 451 00:19:13,585 --> 00:19:17,156 And when you think about the history of our community... 452 00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:19,491 Right? This is a strategy. 453 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:24,263 To survive... is we ain't got time to be in our feel... 454 00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:26,899 Think about our grandparents and our mamas. 455 00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:28,901 I was raised by a single mom. 456 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,602 She didn't have time 457 00:19:30,602 --> 00:19:35,440 for all of my emotional distress every single day as I was aging 458 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,811 because she had to pay this light bill and we had to get in the car by 7:50. 459 00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:40,879 And if we didn't, 460 00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:43,081 I was going to be late to school and she was going to be late to work. 461 00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:43,982 And then these white folks 462 00:19:43,982 --> 00:19:45,284 was going to be talking to her wild. 463 00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:48,320 That was the reality of our paradigm. 464 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:49,121 Right. 465 00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:51,857 And so I just think about like, you know, when I can talk to my mom 466 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:55,527 now and be like, yo, the ways in which you were so like, have to be at school, 467 00:19:55,561 --> 00:20:00,432 have to do this, have to do this, like, where was the fun in my childhood? 468 00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:04,536 And she looks back and she's like, Yeah... 469 00:20:04,603 --> 00:20:06,638 I was doing the best that I could. 470 00:20:06,638 --> 00:20:08,507 And I and I can see that, right? 471 00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,642 I can see it in the details. 472 00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:14,446 She was trying to set me up for whatever success I wanted to have 473 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:17,182 without knowing what I could even become. 474 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:20,185 Right, because the world would be different by the time I would be an adult. 475 00:20:20,419 --> 00:20:23,255 And it's a world she wasn't necessarily going to be a part of in the same way. 476 00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:25,057 Yeah, I love that piece. 477 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,491 You said about setting up for success, 478 00:20:26,491 --> 00:20:29,461 because I think there's a inter-generational piece to that, right? 479 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:32,431 So I think about like, same thing in my family. 480 00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:35,200 Like, you know, I often talk about I love my family and like I remember 481 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,237 my mid twenties really getting my family, coming home to my mom and dad 482 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,073 and hugging them and that being so uncomfortable 483 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,975 because they were like, we're just not we're not touchy people. 484 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,243 The back get rigid. They like, Ohhh! 485 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,644 Why you huggin’ people? You touchin’ people. 486 00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:48,313 Like that was not something they grew up having. 487 00:20:48,313 --> 00:20:48,914 Right. 488 00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:53,185 And and sometimes our family's idea of setting us up for success is 489 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:57,422 let me teach you that your feelings aren't valuable. 490 00:20:57,489 --> 00:21:00,492 Let me teach you that your feelings need to be minimized. 491 00:21:00,525 --> 00:21:03,362 Let me teach you to deny your feelings, because that's 492 00:21:03,362 --> 00:21:07,666 the coping strategy that I've had and was passed down to me 493 00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,201 to survive this environment. 494 00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:13,772 And because when we keep it a buck, when you go out into White world 495 00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:16,775 don't nobody care about how you feel. 496 00:21:16,808 --> 00:21:19,044 They care about did you do your job or you didn't. 497 00:21:19,044 --> 00:21:22,781 Yes. And the piece is it's the both, and. 498 00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:24,449 It's like we aren't taught that like cultivate a space in your home 499 00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:26,218 It's like we aren't taught that like cultivate a space in your home 500 00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:28,954 in your family, in your friends somewhere 501 00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:29,821 where you have safety 502 00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:33,125 where you, where, emotional state... to where it's okay to have your feeling 503 00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,961 that it's not there's not good or bad feelings...are only... 504 00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:37,296 feelings are information. 505 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:41,533 Where we're not “shoulding” on our feelings so wherever we should, we shame, right? 506 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,068 But like, that's not what we've been taught 507 00:21:43,068 --> 00:21:45,971 because our folks don't have the tools, sometimes in the resources. 508 00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:50,175 So the feeling, so the teaching was for my moms and dads, from parents 509 00:21:50,275 --> 00:21:52,878 talk yourself out of it, deny it, repress it, 510 00:21:52,878 --> 00:21:53,578 and then we think about 511 00:21:53,578 --> 00:21:55,314 so you can get back to what you need to do. 512 00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:57,449 And then when we think about why there's so much mental health 513 00:21:57,449 --> 00:21:59,885 distress in our communities, because we have generations of people 514 00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:02,054 denying and talking themselves and minimizing 515 00:22:02,054 --> 00:22:04,656 and gaslighting themselves out their feelings. 516 00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:07,993 So now, as opposed to people being like, I'm angry, you're like, 517 00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:10,262 Well, why are you angry? You shouldn't be angry because blah, blah, blah. 518 00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:12,831 It’s like, Wait a second, hold on, I'm angry. 519 00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:14,399 Let me have my anger. 520 00:22:14,399 --> 00:22:16,868 I have a right to be angry. I have a right to be sad. 521 00:22:16,868 --> 00:22:18,403 Like the sadness is not wrong. 522 00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,205 Sadness is information. 523 00:22:20,205 --> 00:22:23,041 It is something that I need to learn or grow from. 524 00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:24,509 But that's counter to what we learn. 525 00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:26,778 And it is counter to the culture. 526 00:22:26,778 --> 00:22:28,080 In many ways. 527 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,083 But like our folks did not have the opportunities 528 00:22:31,116 --> 00:22:34,519 that spaciousness that we now can swim in. 529 00:22:34,619 --> 00:22:36,021 They did not have this. 530 00:22:36,421 --> 00:22:38,890 And so they're teaching us only what they knew. 531 00:22:39,458 --> 00:22:44,229 And that the challenge that we always have to our elders is and I 532 00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:48,233 now live in a world that you don't fully participate in. 533 00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:53,772 And so I express differently than you might because I have more space to. 534 00:22:53,772 --> 00:22:56,508 And opportunity and privilege to do as well. 535 00:22:56,508 --> 00:22:57,976 That like we live in a different world 536 00:22:57,976 --> 00:23:01,580 where I don't have to suffocate my emotions in the same way 537 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:02,948 to survive and navigate. 538 00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:06,151 I have other opportunities available to me and, you know, like 539 00:23:06,318 --> 00:23:08,620 and I think it's also important to that even our 540 00:23:08,620 --> 00:23:10,422 our imagining of history that we recognize 541 00:23:10,422 --> 00:23:14,126 that there were black folks who are elders who also made those same spaces, 542 00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:18,063 who made those spaces to heal, you know, even though they may common norm may be, 543 00:23:18,296 --> 00:23:23,301 you know, repress, deny, it is what it is, as opposed to, you know, I feel grief. 544 00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:26,238 And because in every family, there's always one maverick 545 00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:28,039 who's like, No, I ain’t doing that. 546 00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:31,743 What y’all on, I ain’t finna to do that and everybody, we say they weirdos. 547 00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:34,212 Oh that's my aunt so and so, you know, she a little... 548 00:23:34,212 --> 00:23:38,583 We do that to the person who's saying this space is too rigid for me. 549 00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:40,252 I need more space. 550 00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:42,554 We sometimes ostracize them. 551 00:23:42,554 --> 00:23:46,224 And I think about like, you know, my dad one time saying, 552 00:23:46,291 --> 00:23:49,294 you think you know everything now, right? 553 00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:52,330 And I was like, No, I don't think I know everything 554 00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:55,367 but the things I know, baby, I know, right? 555 00:23:55,367 --> 00:23:59,204 And like, and, and that shame that then comes back in the community 556 00:23:59,204 --> 00:24:03,875 when someone now has decided I want more, I want something different. 557 00:24:03,875 --> 00:24:04,810 I want. 558 00:24:04,810 --> 00:24:05,877 You know what I mean? It's the same thing 559 00:24:05,877 --> 00:24:07,546 when you go to a cookout and you're like, I'm a vegetarian. 560 00:24:07,546 --> 00:24:09,014 Everybody's like, What? 561 00:24:09,014 --> 00:24:10,916 And it's like, I'm trying to do something else. 562 00:24:10,916 --> 00:24:14,853 Like, dang, like, can you just get the vegan hot dogs and like, can we move on? 563 00:24:14,853 --> 00:24:17,355 Like, why does it have to be a thing? 564 00:24:17,355 --> 00:24:20,692 But it has to be a thing if we don't have other things in common. 565 00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,228 Yes, there's multiple pieces I want to pull out there. 566 00:24:23,228 --> 00:24:25,997 Like so the piece about the shame, 567 00:24:26,097 --> 00:24:28,834 recognizing that when we have this conversation about mental health 568 00:24:28,834 --> 00:24:32,137 and intergenerational mental health, that that will often 569 00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:36,508 bring to elders, people we love and our family, our partners, 570 00:24:36,575 --> 00:24:38,877 sometimes insights that make them aware 571 00:24:38,877 --> 00:24:41,480 of themselves, that elicit shame in them. 572 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,247 Absolutely. 573 00:24:42,247 --> 00:24:45,550 So I would go back to your your uncle or your father and say like, 574 00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:49,521 hey, when you did this, this actually was hurtful to me and... 575 00:24:49,588 --> 00:24:52,491 And in the and the reaction that a lot of folks have is often shame. 576 00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:53,391 And I want to make a distinction 577 00:24:53,391 --> 00:24:56,194 between shame and responsibility or shame and guilt. 578 00:24:56,194 --> 00:24:58,897 Is that shame says I am a bad person 579 00:24:58,897 --> 00:25:02,667 versus responsibility, saying I did a bad thing. Right? 580 00:25:02,767 --> 00:25:04,503 And often in our culture we are taught 581 00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:07,072 like I think about the poet June Jordan, where she says, 582 00:25:07,072 --> 00:25:09,841 We are taught that wrong is our name as black folks, 583 00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:11,910 our elders have been taught that wrong is their name. 584 00:25:11,910 --> 00:25:14,446 And so whenever someone comes to you and gives you that feedback, you mean 585 00:25:14,446 --> 00:25:19,317 they think I'm a bad person as opposed to I learned something that was not helpful. 586 00:25:19,317 --> 00:25:21,786 I did something that was harmful. 587 00:25:21,786 --> 00:25:24,055 I can make a different choice, right? 588 00:25:24,055 --> 00:25:25,023 And so I think it's important 589 00:25:25,023 --> 00:25:27,192 that when we talk about intergenerational conversations, 590 00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:28,960 when we're having conversations about elders 591 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,963 or just our folks in communities who aren't as resourced as us, like, 592 00:25:31,997 --> 00:25:33,698 who may not be, this ain’t they jam 593 00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:35,734 they ain’t in this all the time 594 00:25:35,734 --> 00:25:36,635 that we understand 595 00:25:36,635 --> 00:25:38,737 we come in with compassion being like seeing 596 00:25:38,737 --> 00:25:40,839 that we were those people we were at that point to, right. 597 00:25:40,839 --> 00:25:43,875 I can't, I can't say, I can say now 20 plus years 598 00:25:43,875 --> 00:25:46,311 doing public health and mental health work where I'm at now. 599 00:25:46,311 --> 00:25:50,415 But 20 years ago I was out here doing the same dumb like... 600 00:25:50,515 --> 00:25:53,318 like I can look back on choices I made, which were reflective 601 00:25:53,318 --> 00:25:57,622 of what my parents taught me, who just passing down what they knew. 602 00:25:57,722 --> 00:25:59,958 And now I can have different strategies and tools 603 00:25:59,958 --> 00:26:03,828 which have been intentionally held back from black people. 604 00:26:03,929 --> 00:26:04,663 Right? 605 00:26:04,663 --> 00:26:07,933 Strategies and tools that have been intentionally held back from us 606 00:26:07,933 --> 00:26:10,735 frameworks that we were not giving access to. 607 00:26:10,802 --> 00:26:13,138 And so now we have the privilege to be able to hold that. 608 00:26:13,138 --> 00:26:16,141 But I can also see to have the grace, because when I see somebody showing up 609 00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:18,977 in a way that people feel like, I can't believe they're acting like that, 610 00:26:18,977 --> 00:26:20,312 I see myself. 611 00:26:20,312 --> 00:26:23,848 And I think it's also such an opportunity to have curiosity 612 00:26:24,449 --> 00:26:28,320 that like when I'm, when I am activated, 613 00:26:28,653 --> 00:26:31,656 I'm immediately like, what's happening for me? 614 00:26:31,990 --> 00:26:34,125 Like, what is this eliciting 615 00:26:34,125 --> 00:26:37,062 such that I'm having this emotional response? 616 00:26:37,062 --> 00:26:40,532 And I think we've been shamed out of curiosity. 617 00:26:40,832 --> 00:26:43,835 Curiosity is dangerous. 618 00:26:44,035 --> 00:26:46,705 And so that's the first place I want to go. 619 00:26:46,705 --> 00:26:48,306 I want to first go to Curiosity. 620 00:26:48,306 --> 00:26:53,311 What's what's and what's being awakened in me and why? What's the opportunity here? 621 00:26:53,378 --> 00:26:55,647 And then we think about we've been shamed out of curiosity. 622 00:26:55,647 --> 00:26:57,549 We've been beaten out of curiosity. 623 00:26:57,549 --> 00:27:00,819 like so much of we think about intergenerationally, what black folks, 624 00:27:00,819 --> 00:27:04,656 what we've had our our forefathers, our grandparents had to do. 625 00:27:04,889 --> 00:27:09,394 It was or chose to do to protect us, was like I got to beat the curiosity 626 00:27:09,394 --> 00:27:13,298 out of you because the white world will kill you for your curious. Yes. 627 00:27:13,531 --> 00:27:16,201 Like iterally, literally kill you. 628 00:27:16,201 --> 00:27:19,371 And so now we have generations where we're in many ways 629 00:27:19,371 --> 00:27:22,907 that still is still very true, but shifted in some contexts. 630 00:27:23,008 --> 00:27:25,143 But the behavior is still global. 631 00:27:25,143 --> 00:27:26,745 As if we don't have opportunity 632 00:27:26,745 --> 00:27:30,782 to be curious in some places, and that psychic knowing of like that, 633 00:27:31,016 --> 00:27:34,653 many of us didn't make it... because we were curious.. 634 00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:38,857 That's embedded in our DNA, that protection of don't 635 00:27:38,857 --> 00:27:41,893 do too much because you know, it ain't actually safe. 636 00:27:41,893 --> 00:27:42,460 Right. 637 00:27:42,460 --> 00:27:45,463 And whether we contend with that each day or not, 638 00:27:45,597 --> 00:27:47,899 I think depends on the amount of privilege we hold. 639 00:27:47,899 --> 00:27:49,401 Right. I think about that... 640 00:27:49,401 --> 00:27:54,239 I think about my safety as a woman existing in a female body. Right. 641 00:27:54,239 --> 00:27:59,944 Like I think about physical safety all the time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. 642 00:27:59,944 --> 00:28:06,818 I sleep with my bedroom door locked in my own house because I go, Well, but 643 00:28:06,885 --> 00:28:08,286 let me have all the 644 00:28:08,286 --> 00:28:11,823 barriers so nobody can say, Well, why didn't you...? 645 00:28:11,823 --> 00:28:12,223 Right? 646 00:28:12,223 --> 00:28:14,159 Because we know that when women 647 00:28:14,159 --> 00:28:18,129 experience violence in the world, people ask them, Well, why didn't you? 648 00:28:18,163 --> 00:28:19,831 X, Y, Z. 649 00:28:19,831 --> 00:28:24,936 And so as a black woman, as a queer woman, as a right, I have all my markers. 650 00:28:24,936 --> 00:28:29,240 I go, Well, did I do everything? So that when something bad happens, 651 00:28:29,340 --> 00:28:32,310 I can say, No, I did everything. 652 00:28:32,477 --> 00:28:34,713 It's not because it was my fault this time. 653 00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:37,982 And that's the subtext to many of our experiences, 654 00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:41,219 is we're trying to put up these parameters 655 00:28:41,352 --> 00:28:45,290 so that we know we checked all the boxes to say that it equals the right thing. 656 00:28:45,290 --> 00:28:48,760 So we should have good mental health because I did all the things. 657 00:28:48,860 --> 00:28:52,063 And then when it's still all the things ain’t showing up 658 00:28:52,163 --> 00:28:55,900 because we might be experiencing mental illness that might be ongoing, 659 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,437 right, then we're in even more distress because we're like, 660 00:28:59,437 --> 00:29:03,174 I did the things, I went to the yoga, I did this, I went to the therapist. 661 00:29:03,308 --> 00:29:06,177 How come I'm still not well? 662 00:29:06,244 --> 00:29:08,613 And it's like, because, well, ain't a landing point. 663 00:29:08,613 --> 00:29:10,648 It ain't a destination. 664 00:29:10,648 --> 00:29:14,085 It's a thing you're going to constantly interact with. 665 00:29:14,252 --> 00:29:16,888 (music plays). 666 00:29:17,622 --> 00:29:21,392 So reflecting back on that, 667 00:29:21,459 --> 00:29:24,062 an affirmation for me in this moment, 668 00:29:24,062 --> 00:29:27,665 because I'd like to close the space with an affirmation 669 00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:29,300 that maybe I have multiple affirmations. 670 00:29:29,300 --> 00:29:31,136 Okay? Honey, you can have all the ones you want. 671 00:29:31,136 --> 00:29:34,305 The first affirmation I have is 672 00:29:38,076 --> 00:29:40,411 I know that 673 00:29:40,411 --> 00:29:45,550 I come from communities where or environments where 674 00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:50,421 I internalize that I should never feel angry 675 00:29:50,522 --> 00:29:53,958 that it's not okay to be emote emotive. 676 00:29:54,058 --> 00:29:58,096 And I think some of that came from me seeing people be emotive and me experience 677 00:29:58,096 --> 00:30:02,033 the ways they were emotive and made me feel even my own feelings about that. 678 00:30:02,100 --> 00:30:03,067 But I'm trying to honor that. 679 00:30:03,067 --> 00:30:07,539 My, my anger, my frustration is valid and okay, it's okay not to be people 680 00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:10,542 pleasing in an appeasement mode all the time. 681 00:30:10,675 --> 00:30:12,644 And so I think that's a big lesson for me. 682 00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:16,681 And it's also I think other affirmation for me is also honoring that, 683 00:30:16,748 --> 00:30:20,051 you know, 684 00:30:20,118 --> 00:30:20,585 that our 685 00:30:20,585 --> 00:30:23,588 folks care, our folks show up for us and in care 686 00:30:23,755 --> 00:30:26,758 and with the with what they know how to show up and care with. 687 00:30:26,791 --> 00:30:27,158 Right. 688 00:30:27,158 --> 00:30:31,796 And that it's not it's not coming from a place of like, you know, of ill intent. 689 00:30:31,796 --> 00:30:33,665 It's just like, no, I'm trying to help. 690 00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:36,668 And sometimes we don't know what the thing the help is most useful. 691 00:30:36,701 --> 00:30:39,003 I think you said about what Teyae said, like, I don't know. 692 00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:40,405 And that's one of the most powerful things 693 00:30:40,405 --> 00:30:41,706 you can say when it comes to mental health 694 00:30:41,706 --> 00:30:44,142 and healing work, I don't know 695 00:30:44,142 --> 00:30:47,679 Because now there's possibility. Now there’s possibility and there's honesty 696 00:30:47,745 --> 00:30:50,748 as opposed to like, you know, scrambling, which is really easy. 697 00:30:50,748 --> 00:30:52,951 And we’re encouraged to do because we because I feel we live in a culture 698 00:30:52,951 --> 00:30:54,385 tells us that you suppose to know what's happening. 699 00:30:54,619 --> 00:30:57,188 Suppose to know how to fix it. Honey, we just don't know everything. 700 00:30:57,188 --> 00:30:57,989 We don't. We ain't gon... 701 00:30:57,989 --> 00:30:59,424 Praise God. This ain't Ask Jeeves. 702 00:30:59,424 --> 00:31:00,692 We don't know everything. We don't know. 703 00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:01,693 Ask Jeeves, is that sill around? 704 00:31:01,693 --> 00:31:02,360 I don't know. 705 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:03,027 But I've heard... 706 00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:05,096 That’s a very random reference that you just... 707 00:31:05,096 --> 00:31:07,165 You know, this brain of mine 708 00:31:07,232 --> 00:31:08,233 it’ll take you places. 709 00:31:08,233 --> 00:31:09,534 So for you, 710 00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:11,269 you know, being a part of this as well, what was 711 00:31:11,269 --> 00:31:13,938 what is an affirmation that you are taking away for it? 712 00:31:14,472 --> 00:31:16,241 I think I'm taking away 713 00:31:16,241 --> 00:31:18,910 and like standing with that 714 00:31:26,317 --> 00:31:29,320 that I come from a world where I have to have the answer. 715 00:31:29,487 --> 00:31:30,889 That I have to know what to do. 716 00:31:30,889 --> 00:31:33,091 I have to know how to delegate. 717 00:31:33,091 --> 00:31:36,828 And sometimes it is...doing this. 718 00:31:36,828 --> 00:31:40,531 And going we gon’ figure it out and not having to have the answer. 719 00:31:40,531 --> 00:31:45,403 And I think that is the beauty and the liberation in the moment. 720 00:31:45,503 --> 00:31:47,105 So that's what I'm taking away. 721 00:31:47,105 --> 00:31:50,375 Thanks for joining us. 722 00:31:50,441 --> 00:31:52,410 We're just delighted to be able to do this work. 723 00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:56,080 I'll speak for myself, but I know this is true for you too. 724 00:31:56,180 --> 00:31:59,717 I'm delighted to do this work, to be in conversation, to talk about the hard, 725 00:31:59,717 --> 00:32:04,889 messy, sticky stuff because it makes us a richer, fuller and more beautiful. 726 00:32:04,956 --> 00:32:08,626 And so wherever you are, we just are sending 727 00:32:08,626 --> 00:32:11,629 you love and peace 728 00:32:11,796 --> 00:32:14,465 and safety and all the things that you might need. 729 00:32:14,465 --> 00:32:17,669 Want to encourage you to think of your own affirmation 730 00:32:17,735 --> 00:32:20,738 and to let you know that we are rooting for you, we see you 731 00:32:20,872 --> 00:32:23,408 and we can't wait to be back with you. 732 00:32:23,474 --> 00:32:27,612 All right. 733 00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:35,286 (music plays) 734 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:40,491 It’s your girl Natalie back at it again with another tip, another way to resource yourself, 735 00:32:40,591 --> 00:32:43,528 Something I really love are card decks, right? 736 00:32:43,528 --> 00:32:45,396 You can find them really all over the place, 737 00:32:45,396 --> 00:32:47,799 but you can find one that speaks to your heart. 738 00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:50,902 I know everybody is not a tarot bey, but you might be an affirmation bey 739 00:32:50,935 --> 00:32:53,037 and really affirmations can be for everybody 740 00:32:53,037 --> 00:32:56,040 because it's just words that speak to our heart a little bit. 741 00:32:56,274 --> 00:32:58,676 I love to do this first thing in the morning, right? 742 00:32:58,676 --> 00:33:02,380 You can find a deck that speaks to you and maybe shuffle a little bit, 743 00:33:02,447 --> 00:33:04,449 maybe put some energy on it. Right. 744 00:33:04,449 --> 00:33:06,651 And just pull a card. 745 00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:10,088 This one says I'm exactly where I am supposed to be. 746 00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:13,925 It's an opportunity to talk with yourself, to take a pause, to remember 747 00:33:14,192 --> 00:33:16,094 that you're greater than your circumstances. Right? 748 00:33:16,094 --> 00:33:20,498 You might be navigating some hard things and some kind words often help us. 749 00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:23,401 And so maybe a deck is a thing you want to try out this week.