1 00:00:00,870 --> 00:00:03,590 This video is sponsored by NordVPN. 2 00:00:03,590 --> 00:00:09,660 Nord VPN is the leading virtual private network that protects your online identity whether 3 00:00:09,660 --> 00:00:12,200 you’re in a hotel, coffee shop or anywhere. 4 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:16,900 We will talk more about NordVPN later in the video and for now let’s get on with how 5 00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:22,470 to deal with difficult people from the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius. 6 00:00:22,470 --> 00:00:29,210 Marcus Aurelius was the emperor of Rome from 161 to 180 AD and is considered as the last 7 00:00:29,210 --> 00:00:31,630 of the Five Good Emperors. 8 00:00:31,630 --> 00:00:37,500 Widely referred to as a philanthropic ‘philosopher-king’, Marcus worked to embody the philosophy of 9 00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:43,680 Stoicism through careful action, self-restraint, and respect throughout his life. 10 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:49,420 During his rule, he found the time to construct a series of autobiographical writing known 11 00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:55,179 as the Meditations, and thanks to his prolific journaling, we have a fair idea about how 12 00:00:55,179 --> 00:00:59,850 he dealt with his share of difficult people on a daily basis and in this video we will 13 00:00:59,850 --> 00:01:05,290 be diving into 5 ways Marcus Aurelius dealt with difficult people and how we can use these 14 00:01:05,290 --> 00:01:09,960 lessons to deal with such people in our modern day lives. 15 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,540 1. 16 00:01:11,540 --> 00:01:17,690 Set your expectations straight Marcus Aurelius says “When you wake up in 17 00:01:17,690 --> 00:01:24,990 the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, 18 00:01:24,990 --> 00:01:28,860 dishonest, jealous and surly”. 19 00:01:28,860 --> 00:01:34,080 Stoicism being the practical philosophy makes us see people the way they are rather than 20 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,950 seeing them the way we want them to be. 21 00:01:36,950 --> 00:01:41,960 Marcus Aurelius, despite being a man of great temperance and discipline, is said to have 22 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:47,670 set his expectations straight by practicing the technique of negative visualization as 23 00:01:47,670 --> 00:01:49,740 a part of his morning routine. 24 00:01:49,740 --> 00:01:55,110 Each morning, he mentally prepared himself for the people he might encounter, and was 25 00:01:55,110 --> 00:02:00,520 ready to handle anyone, no matter how difficult or abrasive they may be. 26 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:05,590 Difficult people are everywhere and the idea behind this practice of setting your expectations 27 00:02:05,590 --> 00:02:11,770 straight by visualizing the way they are is not to think ill about anyone but to stay 28 00:02:11,770 --> 00:02:16,079 prepared if they inevitably cross your path. 29 00:02:16,079 --> 00:02:20,909 Imagine that you are in your office, working on your usual task and everything is just 30 00:02:20,909 --> 00:02:22,530 fine. 31 00:02:22,530 --> 00:02:26,550 Suddenly your boss comes to you and starts shouting at you in front of your colleagues 32 00:02:26,550 --> 00:02:30,720 for an error in your report or for something you may or may not have done. 33 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:36,739 In this situation you will probably feel embarrassed, demotivated and probably more than a little 34 00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:38,200 angry. 35 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:43,560 Now imagine the exact same scenario, only this time your colleague warns you about your 36 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:46,099 boss being in a bad mood. 37 00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:50,519 Now that you already know about your boss’ mood, you will double check your report before 38 00:02:50,519 --> 00:02:55,769 sending it in and even then if your boss yells at you for something you may or may not have 39 00:02:55,769 --> 00:03:00,939 done, you’ll still be startled, but not nearly as much because you already knew what 40 00:03:00,939 --> 00:03:03,189 to expect. 41 00:03:03,189 --> 00:03:09,290 Your expectations deeply influence your emotions and by regularly reminding yourself that unpleasant 42 00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:14,499 people can show up at any time, this won’t startle you as much, and you’ll be better 43 00:03:14,499 --> 00:03:17,230 able to deal with them. 44 00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:20,829 Difficult people are going to be there and you will encounter them. 45 00:03:20,829 --> 00:03:22,400 It’s part of life. 46 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:26,549 So, expect it to happen. 47 00:03:26,549 --> 00:03:27,549 2. 48 00:03:27,549 --> 00:03:33,180 Let it go Marcus Aurelius tell us “The best revenge 49 00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:37,620 is to be unlike the one who performed the injustice” 50 00:03:37,620 --> 00:03:42,879 Centuries before Disney Princesses, Marcus Aurelius was already teaching his followers 51 00:03:42,879 --> 00:03:47,430 that the best revenge is to exact no revenge at all. 52 00:03:47,430 --> 00:03:53,180 If your response to rudeness or being insulted is to be offensive and insulting right back 53 00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:59,599 all you have achieved is to sink to their level and help justify their unpleasant behaviour. 54 00:03:59,599 --> 00:04:04,969 So he advises us to take the higher ground with our response and approach the situation 55 00:04:04,969 --> 00:04:08,319 with virtue and logic. 56 00:04:08,319 --> 00:04:15,180 Regardless of our perfect planning and rehearsals, plans still can, and often do, go awry. 57 00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:19,940 We rarely get to control what happens to or around us. 58 00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:24,560 Despite your best efforts, you still might not get that promotion, you still hit traffic 59 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:30,240 on your commute, your video might not go viral or you might get sick. 60 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,629 You can’t really control any of these things. 61 00:04:33,629 --> 00:04:38,840 People are no different — their speech and actions are also external, uncontrollable 62 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:40,250 events. 63 00:04:40,250 --> 00:04:45,490 Whether at work or in a social situation, we all encounter difficult people from time 64 00:04:45,490 --> 00:04:52,160 to time – some will cut in your line, others may lie and take credit for your work or humiliate 65 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:58,590 you in public; even though one cannot control most of the things they say or do, we let 66 00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:04,490 them and their insults affect us long after the incident is over — maybe for an entire 67 00:05:04,490 --> 00:05:12,139 day, or week, or month, or even an entire lifetime and we often respond to it with resentment, 68 00:05:12,139 --> 00:05:17,180 anger, or even by plotting out revenge. 69 00:05:17,180 --> 00:05:22,460 However according to the stoics, vengeance is a waste of time and will ultimately do 70 00:05:22,460 --> 00:05:24,380 you more harm than good. 71 00:05:24,380 --> 00:05:28,940 They would advise us not to take things too personally. 72 00:05:28,940 --> 00:05:33,349 If someone mistreats you it’s because, in that moment, they don’t know any better. 73 00:05:33,349 --> 00:05:38,250 Their actions must be either intentional or unintentional. 74 00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:42,669 If they are unintentional, it doesn’t make sense to waste our time and energy on their 75 00:05:42,669 --> 00:05:47,099 negligence, and they are intentional, then there is something wrong with their character, 76 00:05:47,099 --> 00:05:50,389 and you cannot control how other people behave. 77 00:05:50,389 --> 00:05:54,629 All you can control is how you respond to their behavior. 78 00:05:54,629 --> 00:05:59,349 So next time when you experience rudeness or if someone calls you by a name, or speaks 79 00:05:59,349 --> 00:06:04,020 to you in a tone that you find offensive, ask yourself how you have actually been harmed 80 00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:05,300 by it. 81 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:10,449 For example if someone makes fun of you and calls you ugly, ask yourself – does the 82 00:06:10,449 --> 00:06:13,639 opinion of someone like that actually matter? 83 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:19,210 What exactly are the possible consequences to you if they were to keep calling you ugly? 84 00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:24,520 The only possible consequences are in your own head, and if they are just in your mind 85 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:29,979 then you can control them, and if you can control them then they can’t do you any 86 00:06:29,979 --> 00:06:31,110 harm. 87 00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:37,080 Aurelius teaches us to resist the impulse to respond with resentment and instead learn 88 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,349 to let it go. 89 00:06:39,349 --> 00:06:41,159 3. 90 00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:47,010 Remember our common humanity In the words of Marcus Aurelius “We were 91 00:06:47,010 --> 00:06:53,580 born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and 92 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,610 lower. 93 00:06:54,610 --> 00:06:57,550 To obstruct each other is unnatural. 94 00:06:57,550 --> 00:07:05,030 To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions” 95 00:07:05,030 --> 00:07:10,400 According to Aurelius, we all share a common bond in our human existence. 96 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:16,659 All of us deal with difficult emotions, devastating experiences, and daily stressors. 97 00:07:16,659 --> 00:07:23,259 Sure, we all live a different life and lifestyle but in some aspects, we’re all exactly the 98 00:07:23,259 --> 00:07:24,259 same. 99 00:07:24,259 --> 00:07:30,050 None of us are immune to pain, illness, loss, and death. 100 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:35,860 We humans are innately social creatures, with many in-built evolutionary mechanisms that 101 00:07:35,860 --> 00:07:41,660 enable and encourage us to work together and which is why we should always treat everyone 102 00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:47,129 with kindness and compassion - no matter how difficult they may be. 103 00:07:47,129 --> 00:07:53,289 When Marcus would experience a shameless or a difficult person, he’d ask himself: “Is 104 00:07:53,289 --> 00:07:55,569 a world without shamelessness possible? 105 00:07:55,569 --> 00:07:56,569 No. 106 00:07:56,569 --> 00:07:58,810 Then don’t ask the impossible. 107 00:07:58,810 --> 00:08:01,889 There have to be shameless people in the world. 108 00:08:01,889 --> 00:08:04,469 This is one of them.” 109 00:08:04,469 --> 00:08:10,259 We all know that meeting problematic people is unavoidable in our lives however Marcus 110 00:08:10,259 --> 00:08:15,289 would advise us not to see the actions of these difficult and abrasive people as directly 111 00:08:15,289 --> 00:08:16,849 targeting you. 112 00:08:16,849 --> 00:08:23,050 Instead, we should attribute their ill-behaviour to ignorance; they behave poorly because they 113 00:08:23,050 --> 00:08:26,270 lack the knowledge that you possess. 114 00:08:26,270 --> 00:08:30,650 When someone says or does something that is ‘wrong’ in your eyes. 115 00:08:30,650 --> 00:08:35,789 The judgment of being “wrong” is based on the knowledge that you have. 116 00:08:35,789 --> 00:08:41,120 If a person doesn’t have the same information or wisdom as you, it is unlikely that they’ll 117 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:44,820 come to the same conclusions regarding what is right and wrong. 118 00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:50,250 For example, if someone is making fun of your weight and is continuously calling you fat, 119 00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:56,570 it may be because they might not think body shaming is a bad thing and instead feel that 120 00:08:56,570 --> 00:09:01,420 it’s just motivational and that they’re actually just being helpful. 121 00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:06,330 You get upset because you think it's unkind, and this affects your confidence, and potentially 122 00:09:06,330 --> 00:09:11,940 makes things worse, while they may have no idea how it actually affects you. 123 00:09:11,940 --> 00:09:16,910 More importantly just like everyone else, we can also be ignorant. 124 00:09:16,910 --> 00:09:22,779 Think about it — how often do you act or speak with the purposes of upsetting or hurting 125 00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:24,220 someone else? 126 00:09:24,220 --> 00:09:28,940 How many times have you actively pursued the baiting or taunting of another? 127 00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:33,490 With that in mind, you will realise that no matter how irritating or troublesome someone 128 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:37,190 is being — that is usually not their intention. 129 00:09:37,190 --> 00:09:43,339 So, when you engage with family, friends, colleagues, and strangers, treat them with 130 00:09:43,339 --> 00:09:45,320 kindness. 131 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:49,320 Remind yourself of our common humanity and that you don’t know what the other person 132 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:54,279 is going through which is why you should always strive to be present and compassionate in 133 00:09:54,279 --> 00:09:56,620 your social interactions. 134 00:09:56,620 --> 00:10:01,760 This will elevate your relationships and deepen your appreciation for others. 135 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:06,100 On the rare occasions where hurting you is their intention, you can always choose to 136 00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:10,380 return to the concept of controlling our own thoughts and actions. 137 00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:15,120 If you find someone gunning for your spirit — you can choose to let that pass over you 138 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,940 by sticking to your own morals and values. 139 00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:20,779 4. 140 00:10:20,779 --> 00:10:26,180 Take action To quote Marcus Aurelius “Waste no more 141 00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:29,660 time arguing what a good man should be. 142 00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:31,740 Be one.” 143 00:10:31,740 --> 00:10:36,750 According to Aurelius, it isn’t what we say that defines our character, it’s what 144 00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:38,440 we do. 145 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:42,370 People are way more affected by your actions than your words. 146 00:10:42,370 --> 00:10:46,770 What you do speaks so loudly that they can’t hear what you say. 147 00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:52,040 So, if you want to influence others, you should show them rather than tell them. 148 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:57,670 There is a tendency for us all to find and dissect the faults of others after a few less 149 00:10:57,670 --> 00:11:00,730 than pleasant interactions. 150 00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:05,510 How often do we hear ourselves complaining about the co-worker, about our spouse or a 151 00:11:05,510 --> 00:11:10,510 friend and about our toxic relationship with them, but don’t actually do something about 152 00:11:10,510 --> 00:11:11,970 it. 153 00:11:11,970 --> 00:11:16,290 We wait for the other person to take the initiative. 154 00:11:16,290 --> 00:11:21,610 We need to understand that the issues we face in our relationships will only get worse with 155 00:11:21,610 --> 00:11:22,610 stagnation. 156 00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:27,730 We need to take action and address the issue immediately. 157 00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:32,860 Start by asking yourself what you're doing that might be setting off the other person. 158 00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:39,640 Ask if your ego is coming into play and causing you not to take any action or have any confrontation. 159 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:44,670 Instead of talking about each other, you need to talk to each other. 160 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:49,269 If you want yourself and others around you to be better, don’t go on telling others 161 00:11:49,269 --> 00:11:50,760 how to act. 162 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:56,300 Instead, cultivate the virtues yourself — and express them through your conduct. 163 00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,700 When you do that, you’ll inspire others. 164 00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:02,610 You’ll inspire those around you to be better, too. 165 00:12:02,610 --> 00:12:07,260 And in the process, you’ll make life for yourself and for everyone around you a little 166 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,240 bit better. 167 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,020 5. 168 00:12:11,020 --> 00:12:16,699 Overcome envy Marcus Aurelius teaches us “If you envy 169 00:12:16,699 --> 00:12:24,300 what you don’t have: You’ll never be free — free, independent, imperturbable. 170 00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:29,490 Because you’ll always be envious and jealous, afraid that people might come and take it 171 00:12:29,490 --> 00:12:34,130 all away from you” According to Stoicism, there are four passions 172 00:12:34,130 --> 00:12:42,149 that contribute to our misery – distress, fear, lust and delight. 173 00:12:42,149 --> 00:12:47,910 Envy and jealousy is a form of distress that consumes us and makes us irrational. 174 00:12:47,910 --> 00:12:53,000 The blinding passion of envy - wanting something that someone else has or feeling rebuffed 175 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:59,010 by someone else’s success can cause us great pain and distress. 176 00:12:59,010 --> 00:13:03,940 According to Marcus Aurelius, we find happiness within ourselves — not in achieving things 177 00:13:03,940 --> 00:13:06,200 that others have. 178 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:12,080 Only we are responsible for fulfilling our lives; by envying what others have or how 179 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:18,269 successful they are, we are putting our happiness in the hands of others, which is misguided 180 00:13:18,269 --> 00:13:20,339 and pointless. 181 00:13:20,339 --> 00:13:25,910 We waste enormous chunks of our day scrolling through social media looking at the self-selected 182 00:13:25,910 --> 00:13:30,620 photos of our friends and being miserable over the fact that they are doing well and 183 00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:36,120 how badly we deserve the kind of life everyone else seems to be living. 184 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:41,520 Envy is a complex cluster of feelings that we experience in response to another person 185 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:46,540 who has success, skills, or qualities that we desire. 186 00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:52,339 When envy is activated within any relationship, the relationship can experience significant 187 00:13:52,339 --> 00:13:55,160 tension and conflict. 188 00:13:55,160 --> 00:14:00,361 According to the Stoics, all the blessings in your life are on loan from Fortune, all 189 00:14:00,361 --> 00:14:03,470 of which must be returned sooner or later. 190 00:14:03,470 --> 00:14:09,870 So, while some people may seem to have the success, relationship or fame you covet right 191 00:14:09,870 --> 00:14:13,860 now, they could lose everything tomorrow. 192 00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:17,990 You have no idea what plans Fortune has in store for them.. 193 00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:21,450 And the more they have, the more they risk losing. 194 00:14:21,450 --> 00:14:27,570 Money, fame, and power are impermanent and outside of your control. 195 00:14:27,570 --> 00:14:33,009 So, instead of comparing your situation with others, compare yourself with who you were 196 00:14:33,009 --> 00:14:34,009 yesterday. 197 00:14:34,009 --> 00:14:39,459 This way you will continuously strive to become the person you want to be and you’ll cultivate 198 00:14:39,459 --> 00:14:44,040 true happiness and fulfillment. 199 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:48,860 As we said at the beginning, this video is sponsored by NordVPN. 200 00:14:48,860 --> 00:14:53,949 Each time you access a website, you start by connecting to your internet service provider, 201 00:14:53,949 --> 00:14:58,670 and they redirect you to any websites that you wish to visit, which means they can see 202 00:14:58,670 --> 00:15:01,959 and log everything you do online. 203 00:15:01,959 --> 00:15:07,160 They may even sell your browsing history to advertisers, government agencies, and other 204 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,720 third parties. 205 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:14,370 This risk only increases once you log on to any public hotspot, either in hotels, cafes 206 00:15:14,370 --> 00:15:20,820 or at airports, since anyone with basic hacking skills 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00:16:51,940 philosophical wisdom, don’t forget to subscribe. 227 00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:53,680 Thanks so much for watching.