Marcus Aurelius was a Roman Emperor from the year 161 until his death in 180 AD. He was a calm and
peaceful Ruler - it’s no wonder that he was known as the last ruler from a line later known as ‘The
Five Good Emperors.’ He himself has once famously said: ‘It isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather,
gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. The nearer a man comes to
a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.’ He believed in peace as strength rather than
war or fighting. During his rule, Aurelius wrote the - now very famous - ‘Meditations.’ in which
he wrote extensively on the topic of controlling one's emotions. Aurelius' writings on controlling
one's emotions revolve around the Stoic philosophy of rationality, self-awareness, and acceptance of
the natural order. By recognizing the power of our own minds and choosing our responses
to external events, we can achieve greater emotional control and inner tranquility.
The philosophy of stoicism that Aurelius lived by involves discipline, justice,
fairness, and having a great deal of control of yourself - more specifically,
your emotions. His Stoic mindset managed to get Aurelius through many deaths and
hardships in his life, including Roman battles with other Empires and an Antonine
plague hitting and devastating his Empire. In this video we’ll teach you how to control
your emotions by following the advice of legendary stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius.
Accept Your Fate
Marcus Aurelius says ‘You have been formed of three parts—body, breath, and mind. Of these,
the first two are yours insofar as they are only in your care. The third alone is truly yours.’
According to Aurelius, fate describes all the circumstances that you unwillingly
find yourself in; sometimes life just happens to you. It is what it is. So when you accept fate,
you accept the fact that you can’t control how life goes,
no matter how hard you try. So try to distance yourself from the thought that your life needs
to go a certain way in order for you to be truly happy or successful in it. Those who
think this fact will probably live their entire lives being miserable, because life didn’t turn
out the exact way they wanted it to, and they probably blame themselves for it, as well.
So, instead, try to be truly honest with yourself about what you can control and what you can’t. For
example, bad traffic, bad weather, or even someone close to you dying are all things that can greatly
affect your life, but you have no control over whatsoever - whenever anything bad happens to you,
you can’t do anything but accept it. But there are things you can control: how early you leave
your home, your reaction to events, your thoughts and, yes, even your emotions. Now,
it is important to note that Aurelius didn’t recommend for us to do nothing and just let
life happen to us. We can absolutely have goals, work towards them, try things out, et cetera. But
it’s important to realize that things might not turn out the way we want them to, and we
need to accept this fact before we start working towards a certain goal. But how do we accept fate?
A different but equally brilliant quote by Marcus Aurelius goes as follows:
‘‘Try praying differently, and see what happens: Instead of asking for ‘a way to
sleep with her,’ try asking for ‘a way to stop desiring to sleep with her.’
Instead of ‘a way to get rid of him,’ try asking for ‘a way to not crave his demise.’
Instead of ‘a way to not lose my child,’ try asking for ‘a way to lose my fear of
it.’’ This quote perfectly describes how Aurelius recommends you deal with fate.
Whenever you wish life to go a certain way, you are trying to control fate,
and you will most likely end up disappointed in one way or another. But if you try to control
your emotions instead, you’ll find that life becomes much more bearable. In other words:
when life doesn’t match your desires, work on changing your desires. So, whenever you find
yourself in a situation that causes intense emotions to bubble up, try to ask yourself:
what can I control? Whatever you can control is a reason to act. Whatever you can’t control,
you should try to accept and think of how you are going to act in the face of it.
For example, if you find yourself being fired, do not curse the world for letting this happen to
you, but train your mind to overcome it quickly. You can’t change the fact that you were fired, but
you can try to look for positives in everything: is there a job you’ve always wanted to do? Can you
try to find something with better hours? Or find a job that will teach you something new? Or you
can spend the coming few weeks enjoying some spare time before you start your search? In other words:
accept the fact that you lost your job, and positively try to consider your options now.
By accepting fate and looking for positives or opportunities in hardships instead of
clinging to our precious desires, we will find that we have a great influence over
our emotions. The way we think about things shapes the way we feel about things. Thus,
accepting fate helps us control our emotions.
Challenge Your Perspective
In the words of Marcus Aurelius “The happiness of
your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”
The best way to start accepting your fate is by learning to challenge your perspective on events.
Everything that happens to us evokes emotions. In turn, these emotions cause us to see situations in
a certain light, act a certain way, think certain thoughts, and so on - often in ways that are
destructive or unhelpful to ourselves. To avoid this, it’s important to start to challenge the
thoughts these emotions evoke and the thoughts they bring with them as soon as they pop up.
Firstly, it’s important to note that challenging or trying not to act on certain emotions doesn’t
mean ignoring them. In other words, to shove those feelings down, pretend to not have them,
and make sure not to pay them any attention - like ignoring an attention-seeking child
in the hopes they’ll calm down. And while that strategy might work on some children,
it won’t do so on your emotions. The problem with ignoring your emotions is that, unlike a child,
you can’t explain your reasoning to your feelings! Most of the time, there’s a reason
for your emotions, and when there is a reason for something, ignoring it won’t make it go away.
Emotions are, although often illogical,
a natural response to our circumstances and the world around us. They cannot be willed away;
they have to be acknowledged and even cared for. And this is what you can control:
your perspective on those emotions. But paying attention to them doesn’t mean giving in to
them! Instead, observe them, accept their existence, and then challenge them. How?
By looking for the positive in everything that feels negative! So, for example,
think of every obstacle as an opportunity, every challenge as a chance to prove yourself,
and every unlucky moment as a funny memory for later. The stoics were very, very good at forming
a positive perspective on everything. A more straight-forward guide to doing this is by asking
yourself the following questions: Why does this make me
feel angry/stressed/frustrated? What conclusions do I draw as a result?
Is there a more positive way to interpret this situation?
For example, think of someone who’s had a fight with their partner about something important and
feels their partner is being unreasonable. They might feel angry and frustrated, and have thoughts
such as ‘I guess our relationship isn’t working out’ or ‘They don’t understand me as well as I
thought they did.’ But such a conclusion, in turn, only intensifies the anger, frustration, and can
even ignite sadness and cause that person to get more upset than they already were. So now, let’s
see what would happen if they asked themselves the three questions we mentioned earlier. The
first two have already been answered - and it’s good for the person themselves to get clear on
that as well. But the last question is where the most important work takes place: how can they turn
this around? Well, instead of thinking about the end of the relationship, think about how resolving
this issue together can make the relationship stronger! And instead of thinking that your
partner just doesn’t understand you, see this as an opportunity to get to know each other better.
Your partner might not understand your point of view, but you don’t understand theirs either! So
think about why they said what they said. What must they have been feeling? What could their
reasoning have been? And how did you come across to them - could there be a misunderstanding,
could they have misinterpreted you? Between any relationship, the answers to these questions
are often much milder than expected, and you’ll find that the solution to a fight is much closer
and easier than anticipated. As a result, you understand each other better, and you’ve made
your relationship stronger - both very positive thoughts! Aurelius had a very helpful quote on
trying to understand others: ‘Whenever someone has done wrong by you, immediately consider what
notion of good or evil they had in doing it. For when you see that, you’ll feel compassion,
instead of astonishment or rage.’ Thinking about someone else’s perspective is a wonderful way to
start forming positive thoughts about your seemingly negative interactions with them.
If you think rationally and change your perspective on your situation and your
thoughts first, your emotions will follow. It works like this:
if your thoughts are predominantly negative, you'll likely feel worse,
but if you steer your thoughts toward the positive, your emotional state will improve. Every
situation can be interpreted in multiple ways - and there’s always a more positive or a more
negative way to look at it. By controlling your thoughts you control your emotions!
Practice Negative Visualization
Aurelius advises us ‘In the morning say to yourself,
today I shall have to deal with an idle curious man, with an unthankful man,
a railer, a crafty, false, or an envious man; an unsociable, uncharitable man.’
One of the things we probably all have some experience with, is thinking of
worst-case-scenarios. Often, considering those feels destructive - we make ourselves feel anxious
and panicked about a hypothetical event that is, most likely, not going to happen. Of course,
these scenarios pop up in our heads right before we go on stage for a big speech,
right before we’re trying to fall asleep at night, or right as we’re already feeling anxious about
another worry - and in response to this sudden thought, we start to panic. We try to will the
thought away or surrender to the anxiety that comes with it. As a result, we regard these kinds
of thoughts as unhelpful and try to avoid them. But that strategy has its downsides as well: now,
if anything bad does happen, you’re completely distraught and have no idea what to do.
And that’s the trick to imagining worst-case-scenarios to your benefit:
properly deal with them. Stoics call this method of imagining the worst case ‘negative
visualization.’ Negative visualization works best when you take the time to consciously do it. So
when you consider doing a certain thing, like giving a speech, or taking on a new job, selling
homemade crafts, or going on a date, actually sit down to think about the worst-case-scenarios.
Sit down, close your eyes, and realistically think: ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’
Now, when you start to imagine something like that, you’ll most likely feel an immediate rush of
anxiety in your body - you get the urge to stop or panic or perhaps even cry. This is the hard part:
don’t give in to those feelings. Remain still and observe your worst-case-scenario as if you were a
bystander. In other words: regard it objectively. Now, you can start to ask yourself questions.
‘What could I do to handle this situation?’ or ‘How could I make myself feel better if this
were to happen?’ In other words: you develop a coping strategy. Then, when you’re done, you’ll
no longer experience sudden ‘what if-’ thoughts, because you’ve already gone over them! Moreover,
if the worst really does happen, you won’t freeze on the spot; instead, you know exactly what to do.
So how does this help you control your emotions? Simple: imagine the difference between giving a
speech you’ve prepared for and a speech you haven’t. While you might feel the nerves in
both cases, the latter is definitely the situation where your emotions are most intense and the least
easy to ignore. In the former scenario, you can distract yourself from nerves and anxiety
by going over your speech or tactics in your head. When your mind tries to plague you with ‘what if’
scenarios, you can think of what to do in those scenarios. When your body makes you shake and
tremble, you can find distraction in going over your speech again in your head. Preparation is
almost a medicine against emotions - they will be there, sure, but they won’t rule over you.
Negative visualization isn’t just handy for when you take risks or try out something new,
though. It works best as a daily practice: if you take some time to consider that the day ahead
could be awful every morning, you’ll walk into the day more prepared - not because you’re counting on
a bad day, but because you’ll know what to do if it does become one. Aurelius especially practiced
this daily version of negative visualization himself; it was his way of getting through the
day. Negative visualization will help you be prepared for every possible scenario,
feel more confident in everything you do - and thus are less subject to sudden emotions.
Use A Journal
To quote Aurelius ‘Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars,
and see yourself running with them. Think constantly on the changes of the elements
into each other, for such thoughts wash away the dust of earthly life.’
But, of course, challenging your thoughts in the moment itself can be very hard. One of the
things Marcus Aurelius often did himself that could help with practicing this was
journalling. Not to record his day-to-day life, but to examine his emotions and thoughts. When
writing something down, you are forced to give it space and think about it. To
dwell on it. This is a practice that’s now often recommended by therapists and sworn
by in psychology magazines: journaling, especially about emotions and feelings,
turns out to be proven to be extremely good for your mental well-being.
But starting a new habit is more challenging than it sounds. A good start would be to journal for
ten to twenty minutes a day - for example, every evening before bed. And don’t be discouraged if
you accidentally miss a day, or can’t do it every day of the week - the important part is
doing it whenever you can, even if that’s not as often as you would like. One of the ways to
train yourself in writing about your feelings is to answer certain prompt questions. For example:
‘What emotions did I feel today? Which occurrences caused those? How did I act as a result? What
thoughts accompanied those emotions? Do I still agree with those thoughts? Could I
turn them into something more positive?’ All of those questions require no more than one-word
or one-sentence answers - although you can get deeper into it if you have the energy and time.
For example, imagine someone who experiences a certain emotion, such as frustration or anger,
and who failed to challenge themselves in the moment. As a result, they yelled at their partner,
who didn’t deserve it. The thoughts that might accompany such an action could be irrational,
think of expressions like: ‘They deserved it!’ or more extremely, think of: ‘We should break
up now’, or more self-deprecating, still equally unhelpful ‘I’m a bad person’. By journalling at
night to examine your day, you’ll have to register what it is that, for example, made you yell,
what caused your anger, what thoughts you had. Then you can see if you still agree
with those thoughts or if you would be better off overwriting them with new convictions that are,
for example, more empathetic, rational, or helpful. Journalling gives you the power to
change your thoughts and as a result, your emotions, feelings, and behavior.
Remember That Life Is Fleeting
In our final quote from Marcus Aurelius for this video, he says ‘Think of the life you have lived
until now as over and, as a dead man, see what’s left as a bonus and live it according to Nature.
Love the hand that fate deals you and play it as your own, for what could be more fitting?’
A very important piece of wisdom that helps stoics stay in control of their emotions:
they remember that life is fleeting. The quote we just read for you is Aurelius’ own spin on: live
every day like it’s your last - except, his is even better. Because living every day like it is
your last could encourage one to be careless about their future, while this saying actually motivates
you to care even more about it. Instead of ‘living like you might die tomorrow’, ‘live like you died
yesterday.’ Imagine what you’d make of your life if it were to be completed now - do you feel
accomplished? Do you feel like you’ve been the person you’ve wanted to be? Probably not - we’ll
never be entirely satisfied. But thinking about life this way forces you to think about the big
picture of life. What’s important enough to focus on, and what would be a waste of time.
If you had died yesterday, would the way you’ve spent the last week still seem as important as
it did when you were in the middle of that week? Perhaps you spent the week
worrying about a deadline at school or work, or perhaps you had a fight with your sister,
or you decided to stay in bed for a few days due to a breakup. Would you still have done
all that if you’d known it was the last week of your life? Probably not - you would have
worked towards who you wanted to become. Aurelius tells us to always remember that life is fleeting
and could be over suddenly - so that, when we keep this in mind, we remember only to focus on
what’s truly important to us. We shouldn’t spend too much time and energy on temporary setbacks,
such as deadlines, fights, or heartache. At least, we shouldn’t let that get in the
way of our enjoyment and productivity in life. So, whenever you’re in the middle of an event
that makes you feel bad, try to think - is this actually important in the big picture of life?
Imagine that you are indeed beside yourself with stress from an unreasonable deadline,
take a step back and ask yourself - Will this still matter in a week? In a year? If not,
relax! But perhaps you answered yes. If you don’t make this deadline,
you might get fired or fail your class. But how likely is that scenario? And if it is likely,
think about whether you will be able to finish the task on time or not. If yes, make a plan. If not,
consider reaching out to those in charge and explaining your situation. And, just in case,
plan for the worst: if you do fail your class, is that really the end of the world? Most likely you
get to do it again next year, or choose another direction of study, or find a job instead of
studying, and land on your own two feet again. The benefits of taking a step back and considering the
importance of what’s bothering you is enormous. When taking a step back, you’ll realize that
nothing is as devastating as it seems, and that there are always more options than you think.
To generalize this method: whenever you’re feeling intense emotions due to a certain
situation or circumstance, ‘step back’ and ask yourself the following questions:
How much effect will this have on the rest of my life?
How could I continue to enjoy my life even in the worst-case scenario?
What other options have I not considered yet? Is this worth worrying about in the
grand scheme of things? Looking at the big picture
can calm you down. The more you learn to consider all the effects and options of
something that is happening, the more you’ll find that situations don’t plague you with all kinds
of intense emotions anymore and by keeping this in mind, you can always be calm and level-headed.
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