Speaker 1 (00:05): Hi everyone. Welcome to another episode of Tea Time with Tara. I am not sure if this is going to be the last episode of the year, but it is the middle of December and life just seems to be happening and keeping me from doing things the way that I plan. So while I have been working on a few episodes, I have been sick. I'm sure you can kind of hear in my voice. I definitely do not sound like I normally would. I started out with a flare up and then I wound up with some kind of a cold because it's the season for that shit. I decided to just kind of wing this and see what happens because I haven't done that in a while. And this could be a completely unhinged shit episode or it could be a good time. Get comfy, grab your tea, and let's find out. Speaker 1 (01:04): I have been reflecting a lot on the last year as I feel like most of us do when it comes to the month of December and the holidays and we are approaching new, I don't know if you guys do resolutions. I prefer not to. I just really try to look back at the year and see what I can learn from it. And so this year I think it's been a really big growth year for me. I think that emotionally I have had an emotional growth spurt, I think is what I referred to it before when I was talking to my mom. And I think the reason for that is because I had to learn some pretty hard lessons. I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. So for those of you who are not aware, in January I got very sick. It basically felt like I had the flu, but it was more I had a fever and my body hurt, but it was the kind of body aches where you can't get out of bed and I had no congestion. Speaker 1 (02:18): My body was basically, it felt like it was shutting down even though it wasn't. Actually, the best way I can describe it is that I was so physically exhausted from being in pain that all I could do was sleep and it was painful because my joints were hurting, and so I have arthritis in my knees, my hips, and my back. So basically no matter what I do when I am having a really severe flareup, I am in a fuck ton of pain. That being said, once I finally got my diagnosis, I believe it was the end of January or beginning of February, I was able to get on a path for getting some relief and ultimately I'm still searching. We have not found a medication that works. I am on a new biologic therapy that will hopefully work. It's too soon to say because I just started it about two months ago, so it can take a few months to really start working. Speaker 1 (03:24): Anyway, that was just one of the things. I also had a really difficult time socially. To make a very long story short, I had kind of a messy breakup at the end of last year, beginning of this year, and it affected all of the people that I had met through this person. So mutually any of our mutual friends. It was just kind of a mess. And then even people that I didn't know got involved, and that also led to me being very socially isolated because on top of being sick, I then felt like I couldn't go places because I had been verbally attacked and physically threatened, and because I was so sick, I was also not working, and so I was not leaving my house at all. So as you can imagine, being in that kind of a pain, being so socially isolated, going through a difficult time socially, I became very depressed. Speaker 1 (04:27): I was very alone. I felt very alone. And so that's kind of how my year started. I am not going to get into every little detail about every little thing, but I am going to say that a lot of things have changed for the better. It has not been easy. It has been extremely difficult and extremely painful at times. Socially, most people have been able to move past it. I moved past it. It's been a whole fucking year. So I feel like at this point, if you're not over it, then fuck you. Anyway, I have a new job that I love. I think it's awesome. I am so excited for the opportunity to learn all of the things that I'm learning to be a part of what I am a part of, and that part of my life has changed dramatically for the better. Otherwise, I don't remember what the other thing was. Speaker 1 (05:24): Oh yeah, so the psoriatic arthritis, duh. I'm still figuring out what works to help alleviate the pain. I am on a pain medication. It's just a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug or NSAID similar to ibuprofen, but that's basically just to help alleviate the pain from the inflammation, which is what causes all of the pain in my joints in the first place. So another thing is that I have been learning a lot about this disease and how it affects so many different parts of my body and my life. I have been having some heart issues, nothing major, thankfully, just some god, what are they called? Arrhythmias. And basically it's kind of been determined that the most likely root cause for that is also this inflammatory disease that I have. So I was able to make a correlation in this last week where my heart rate was skyrocketing just from me having this flare up. Speaker 1 (06:37): I was bedridden. I was in bed all day and I kept getting alerts on my Apple watch for an elevated heart rate. And I'm not talking a little bit elevated, I'm talking like I'm laying down, resting, and my heart rate was 120. So if any of you are familiar with what a normal or healthy resting heart rate is, especially for my age, it should be much less than that. It should be well below a hundred. Even I think it's like in this at least 70 it should be. So I'm still learning about this disease. I am still trying to figure out sometimes am I sick or do I have a flareup or did me getting sick cause a flareup? So that part is still very difficult for me. Again, I really don't know. I try to stay away from people when I start to feel like shit just in case. Speaker 1 (07:36): And for the most part, I have successfully avoided getting other people sick other than my boyfriend sometimes. I would say that he is another big part of this year because we have basically been together since the very beginning of the year. We actually just went over the timeline of our relationship and we've been trying to piece it together because we, I don't know, we kind of fell into it and didn't really have an official anything. So we did determine today that our first date was in February, so we yay for that. I feel like being with him and both of us going through probably some of the most difficult times we've ever gone through in our entire lives and really not being our best selves, it would probably have set most people up for a disaster and could have become a really unhealthy situation. But we wound up really just realizing how much we love and care about each other through it all. Speaker 1 (08:38): And I can confidently say that I have never had a more happy and healthy relationship in my entire life, and I can attribute a lot of that to the fact that we both really stuck by each other when other people might not have. And when things really, really hard, we found a way to get through it together and to support each other. I feel like I have a newfound appreciation for not just relationships, but yeah, I guess so. I guess I didn't realize how important a lot of the things were that I learned this year, how much just having the self-awareness to be able to say, yeah, I fucked up how much that matters to other people, or being able to have difficult conversations or uncomfortable or awkward conversations. Even when you are dreading it, I feel like the right people in your life, whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship or your family, whoever, they're going to want to have these difficult conversations and get through them with you so that you can have a healthier relationship because you can't have healthy relationships without authenticity. Speaker 1 (09:54): And so that's a really big thing that I learned that I think last year I kind of lost myself earlier in the year when I was in a very unhealthy relationship and then I kind of fell into this other relationship with this really kind person. But it was also not a great relationship for either one of us. It wasn't necessarily toxic or anything like that. It didn't work out, but I was really trying to fit the mold. I think subconsciously in retrospect, I can see so much of how I was not being true to myself and how much it affected my mental health and how much it affected how I showed up in that relationship. So that's something that I've learned because I've taken the time this year, even though I have been involved with my current partner. I mean, we met over a year ago. Speaker 1 (10:50): We met in September of 2022 and just became friends and then started dating very shortly after I ended that last relationship because it was kind of over for a while, but could have handled it better. I could have handled it better. Anyway, I see. I'm trying to take accountability here. I know I fucked up in some things, but I would love to talk more about ending relationships and cheating and honesty and determining when you should break up. I've had some really interesting conversations with people over the last year about their perspectives on that stuff. No, I did not cheat on him. Yes, I did make bad decisions and was not the best girlfriend, and I'll leave it at that. So aside from that, even as a mom, I feel like I have had to face some really difficult stuff, and I'm not going to really get too much into that because that is super personal and the things that go on with my kids, I really do try to keep very close to me. Speaker 1 (12:00): But I will say that this has probably been the most difficult year for me as a mom and that I have learned a lot about myself as a person through all of this stuff because I'm looking at myself from an outsider's perspective, well, or just outside of myself and trying to see things from a almost 16-year-old boy's perspective, for example, or even my four, almost five daughter's eyes perspective is a big, big thing. And I am writing an episode on perspective and how shifting your perspective or seeing things from a different perspective can really change your entire life and it can really help with relationships and just I feel like overall I feel more calm and at peace with things because of perspective. I have learned that many things can be true at the same time. Things that you may not think can be true at the same time or wouldn't consider them at the same time. Speaker 1 (13:16): For example, somebody that really loves you and wants the best for you can still hurt you. They can still do damage even if they don't mean to, even if they really love you. And they can also not even see that at times. I know that I have probably been that for some people doing damage and really not intending to, but having done it anyway, I have learned to accept that about a lot of relationships in my life, whether friendships or in my family or even in romantic relationships. Like I've said before, I think that being able to take a step back and take a step outside of myself is really something that I needed and something that has brought me a lot of clarity and a lot of peace in my life. Because if I want to move on from things, if I want to have peace, I have to move on from things. Speaker 1 (14:17): I have to let go of things that are out of my control. And I know that sounds probably pretty cliche, but it's so true that once I have accepted and come to terms with certain things, I feel so much more at peace with whatever the situation is. I'm able to navigate my relationships more successfully because of that. And I know that I am extremely critical of. I think that most of us are our own worst critics. So I am also trying to learn to be a little bit less hard on myself because that's something that I find I have robbed myself of so much joy because of that, because of not being able to let go of mistakes that I have made. So by learning to forgive other people, I have also been learning to forgive myself. I thought about changing my career at a lot of points throughout this year and ultimately decided that I have a lot of ideas that I would love to put into action, but realistically, I kind of just need to get a handle on my life the way it is before I try and do anything else and throw anything else in there. Speaker 1 (15:42): So for now, I am trying to simplify things, hence me doing an audio only podcast episode for now. I think that I'm just going to be doing these audio only episodes, and every now and then maybe I will do a video episode and post it on YouTube. But for the most part, I just really don't have the bandwidth for it. I have so much other stuff going on and I'm still trying to really get a handle on things in my life. As I've spoken about, I am struggling a lot with overcoming the obstacles that I deal with, having a DHD as an adult and having been untreated for most of my life. I lived with a partner for many years who really, we kind of helped each other out and balanced each other's weaknesses out as far as housekeeping, for example. He did all the things that I didn't like to do and I did all the things that he didn't like to do. Speaker 1 (16:42): And so it just kind of worked. And while it may seem like, okay, dude, you've been separated from your ex-husband now for three years, get it the fuck together. It's a lot easier said than done, especially with a little one that just loves to basically create a fucking tornado all over my apartment all the time. I am at the point in my life where I am trying to declutter my space, declutter my mind, and just really look at everything around me and purge all of the negativity and excess shit. And so that's actually a perfect segue into something else that I could talk about that I learned this year, which is that just because somebody has been in your life for a really long time does not mean that they should remain there. Some people have enough shit of their own to work on that. Speaker 1 (17:44): They cannot or do not have the capacity to be the kind friend that you need, and that's totally okay. You don't have to have a huge breakup with people. Sometimes you just can quietly let them go, and that doesn't mean completely cutting people off necessarily. Sometimes that can be as simple as just not reaching out, and if you run into each other, cool. If you don't, cool, if you want to say, Hey, hope you're doing okay, that's also perfectly fine. But investing in relationships that are toxic, investing in people that are not willing to grow and help themselves, for example, or better themselves, I think that that's a big one too. I know that there are people out there who are shitty and continue to be shitty and expect that people are just going to accept them as they are, but then when somebody's like, Hey, you're being shitty. Speaker 1 (18:46): They throw a fit about it and just shitty about it, I dunno. I just feel like I don't need that in my life. Good for you. If you're perfectly content staying stagnant and shitty, but I don't need your shit in my life. I probably said shit and shitty so many times just then. I guess maybe I am a little bit tired and foggy still. That's another thing, psoriatic arthritis when I'm having a flare up causes major brain fog. So I kind of float through life sometimes, and I know that that is probably very difficult for people in my life to deal with, to accept that I suck at responding to text messages or sometimes I really struggle to just focus and listen. I mean, I talked a little bit about that in my A DHD episode, so throw in some brain fog from a flareup and I can be kind of a space cadet. Speaker 1 (19:43): I really hope that I'm able to find a treatment that works. That's my main priority for this upcoming year, finding something that works, focusing on my health, I was able to get my shit together and start working out regularly and really taking care of myself. And I lost 30 pounds. So from the time that I met my current boyfriend in September to now, I have lost about 30 pounds. I keep gaining and losing the same two or three pounds. So I feel like I've probably plateaued, but I am focusing on really trying to get into a better routine so that I can be more consistent and not have that little yo-yo of those couple of pounds. I don't know how normal that is. So if any of feel free to please tell me whether or not it's normal because it would be great to hear that it's completely normal. Speaker 1 (20:48): I think the last thing that I want to touch on is that I really learned how I need to focus on myself and what's important to me, and that might sound selfish to some of you. And you know what? That's perfectly fine. I'm cool with that because at the end of the day, I am only as good to other people as I am good to myself. And so if I am not taking care of my mental health, for example, if I am not aware of the fact that I am struggling or in denial, let's say, of the fact that I'm struggling with my mental health, which thankfully this year, I feel like I've learned so much about that, that I can kind of feel myself slipping and reach out to people, reach out to my support system to help me from slipping all the way back into a full-blown depression or anything like that. Speaker 1 (21:45): But the wintertime, especially if you live where it gets cold and dark, it's really hard to not get depressed. And so you got to find other ways to keep moving your body, surround yourself with people who are good for your mental health and bring you joy. Do things that make you happy. Do things that make you feel good. Physical activity is so, so, so important, and I am saying that as somebody who sometimes I struggle to get out of bed, but there are days where I've struggled to get out of bed and then I have still at least picked up the weights in my room and done a couple of squats or something. I recognize that I am not going to get better if I don't fucking fight for it and I don't try. And that is all across the board. I'm talking not just my physical health because there is obviously only so much that I can control about this autoimmune disease, especially because I'm still learning about it and what the triggers are and stuff like that. Speaker 1 (22:51): But I'm also talking about my mental health and having the ability to look at myself and how I'm contributing to situations that may not have gone well or even honestly. Another thing I think that I have started to learn this year is that I can't help everyone, and it's not my fucking responsibility to help everyone. I'm going to do my best to be kind and to spread love and do good, but at the end of the day, sometimes there are situations where even when somebody asks you to intervene, you can say, no, I don't feel comfortable doing that, and that can really save you some discomfort or awkwardness or potentially fallouts with people. I can say for myself that there have been people who have said, Hey, I would like for you to help me out with this, and then I've helped them out, and then they've been like, why did you do that? Speaker 1 (23:51): And I'm like, but you asked me to. So reevaluating those situations, those relationships, how I contributed, how I could have handled it better. Did that person put me in a fucked up situation in the first place, and if they did, were they just an asshole or was it kind of like they really didn't think it through and didn't really think about it? And that's okay. People can fuck up. You don't have to cut people off just because they've made a bad choice. I would certainly hope that people wouldn't cut me off just because I've made a bad choice, but you kind of have to have those conversations, and it doesn't even necessarily need to be a conversation with that other person. Sometimes it can kind of be an internal dialogue or you can journal it or whatever. Write your thoughts out, write your feelings out and get it out, hash it out with yourself. Speaker 1 (24:44): You can then go obviously and hash it out with that person, but ultimately that's your decision. You don't need to answer to other people. You don't owe anyone anything. And I think I've said that before. You really don't owe anyone anything This year. I think I've made a lot of new friends. I feel like I have learned what true friendship is and what true loyalty and love is. I have learned that sometimes the best thing to do is to just let it go. And once you do that, while it can be incredibly painful, it can also be incredibly, I don't know, you set yourself free. You can sometimes almost feel the weight off of your shoulders after you let go of certain situations, people, things you can't control, whatever it is. While I would absolutely love to get my boyfriend on, he is extremely shy about talking on the podcast, and so I do not anticipate that he will be a guest on anytime soon. Speaker 1 (26:04): But I have been talking to several people about getting on the show. So I think that I'm going to start scheduling people for the end of December since I have some time without the little one. She is going to be going on a trip with her dad for a whole week. And while I have a fuck ton of other stuff to do, really go through my entire apartment and reorganize and make it feel like a good space. I'm making sure that I am also making time to spend time with people that I want to be around and do things that I to do. And one of those things is obviously this podcast. So if you are interested in being on the show, it would actually end up being a video recording. And so we can work it out. Just reach out to me and let me know. Speaker 1 (26:59): You can find me on Instagram at teatime Tara, and that is where you can contact me. I think I took the link in my bio out, but I am putting it back up. So if it's not there, just check back that way. There will be other ways for you to contact me through that link in my bio. So again, even if you're not on Instagram or social media, you can still pull it up online and contact me through the link in my bio, which again, if it's not there right now, I promise you it will be there in the next couple of days. I just changed my podcast host, so I have to reconfigure a bunch of stuff. And of course that impacted my website and blah, blah, blah. So I'm kind of in Fluxx right now. I hope that this episode was helpful or interesting. Speaker 1 (27:52): I really just kind of rambled on and shared my insights about the last year. I do encourage you all to do the same, to just really look back at your year and even if it really fucking sucked, try to see what you have gained because if nothing else, you have gained knowledge and experience and how you handle that and what you do with that is completely up to you. And what I hope for all of you is that you are able to create joy and find joy in your lives, even when it's really, really hard. I mean, last week during my flare up, I laid in bed and I cried a bunch and was pretty fucking depressed because being in pain 24 7 sucks. It's really hard. I sat there and cried about, I can't live like this. And that's a really scary thought to have. Speaker 1 (28:47): So things are not always unicorns and rainbows. Things are not always easy or wonderful, but it really is all about what you do with what you have and creating a support system for yourself, even if you don't have family that you feel like you can trust. Building a support system of chosen family can be incredibly helpful. And I have made friends this year and created relationships this year that I plan on having for the rest of my life, and I wouldn't have been able to do that if I didn't work on myself. Now that doesn't mean you have to change for other people. No, the point is being completely authentic, but still taking the time to see where you maybe could do better and be better. And that's all entirely up to you. Don't let anybody else dictate that to you because that is how I have gotten myself into really, really dark places by letting other people get their fingers in my mind as I stated in the episode about domestic violence. Speaker 1 (30:01): And that really fucked me up, and I feel like I'm still in recovery from a lot of that trauma. A lot of bad things can happen to you, and you can still be a good and happy person. It's all about what you do with it. So that's that. I love you guys. Again, check me out on Instagram at teatime Tara, and hopefully I will be able to feel up to making one more episode before the end of the year and leaving you with something. But if not, I hope that you have a happy New Year. I hope that you have a great holiday, whatever holiday it is that you celebrate because we are in the middle of Hanukkah right now, and then we've got Christmas at the end of the year. I'm actually not sure what other holidays there are, so maybe that's something I should look into. Maybe I can do a fun little holiday episode. You let me know. Reach out if you want to be a guest and keep changing the world one conversation at a time. I'll catch you guys soon. Bye. This transcript was exported on Dec 12, 2023 - view latest version here. december reflection (Completed 12/12/23) Transcript by Rev.com Page 1 of 1
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