1
00:00:05,950 --> 00:00:08,230
Hello.
Today we're going to talk about

2
00:00:08,230 --> 00:00:14,920
what makes a relationship work.
And I'm with Pachulia and Anthony I

3
00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:19,030
met Pachulia on Facebook and have
been following her journey across the

4
00:00:19,030 --> 00:00:24,130
globe and most especially in Italy.
I enjoyed her writing and the

5
00:00:24,130 --> 00:00:27,850
beautiful photographs she shows.
We got to know each other a

6
00:00:27,850 --> 00:00:30,850
little better and talked about
her relationship with Anthony,

7
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:35,200
and this prompted me to ask them
both to come and speak today about

8
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:40,360
what makes their relationship work.
Welcome Pachulia and Anthony and

9
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,060
thank you so much.
You're very welcome.

10
00:00:43,060 --> 00:00:45,760
Thanks for having us.
Oh it's a delight.

11
00:00:45,850 --> 00:00:50,440
So let me tell you a bit about them.
They are living in Connecticut.

12
00:00:50,470 --> 00:00:53,980
Part of their time is spent in Italy
where they operate A, B and B.

13
00:00:54,790 --> 00:00:58,330
They met online almost seven
years ago when Anthony was

14
00:00:58,330 --> 00:01:03,280
living in Queens, New York.
They enjoy traveling, but Julia

15
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:07,840
teaches business and has just
written the book, My Happy Escape

16
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:13,870
Adventures of a Global Sojourner.
She believes that in serving each

17
00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:18,520
other, not sacrifice, is the key
to a long term relationship.

18
00:01:18,970 --> 00:01:24,970
She also believes in support over
submissiveness with which will

19
00:01:24,970 --> 00:01:30,650
create a healthy relationship.
Serving, support and sharing are

20
00:01:30,650 --> 00:01:36,160
immensely important, she says. Now.
Pachulia is an extrovert and

21
00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:40,140
Anthony an introvert.
One of the challenges they have as a

22
00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:45,970
couple is they're both very sensitive
people. So they get offended easily.

23
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:51,560
And the good thing is that we don't
throw insults at each other during a

24
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:55,790
disagreement. We're not resentful.
So even in an argument,

25
00:01:55,790 --> 00:02:01,580
we can let things go.
And this is next piece is from

26
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:04,070
Antony.
He believes that in relationship

27
00:02:04,070 --> 00:02:08,330
each person must be selfless.
Anthony states it's important to

28
00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:12,650
understand each other's personality,
to communicate more effectively

29
00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:16,650
when there is a misunderstanding.
Quoting him here.

30
00:02:16,650 --> 00:02:23,100
He says we're not perfect,
but that what sustains us is respect,

31
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:27,600
love, genuine care.
Patients enjoying each other's

32
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,080
company,
valuing each other's strength and

33
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:37,340
making up where the other lacks.
These are amazing words of wisdom

34
00:02:37,340 --> 00:02:40,940
to begin with, and so delighted
that you wrote them to me.

35
00:02:40,940 --> 00:02:46,490
So I get a real feel for both of you.
Thank you so much. You're welcome.

36
00:02:47,910 --> 00:02:51,210
Well, the most important
question everybody want to know.

37
00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:58,750
Well, how did you meet them?
Well. Uh, I was in between.

38
00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:01,750
I was transferring from.
I used to work for the United States

39
00:03:01,750 --> 00:03:06,850
Postal Service as an operations
manager, and I transferred from

40
00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:10,450
one facility to another.
So I had about a two week hiatus,

41
00:03:10,450 --> 00:03:15,140
you know. Off time period.
And what I did was I went online.

42
00:03:15,140 --> 00:03:18,980
I was single at the time,
so I went online and I found this app

43
00:03:18,980 --> 00:03:24,980
called Zoosk and I said, oh, let me,
let me try to see who I could find.

44
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,400
Maybe I'll send a message out
there to the universe, you know,

45
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,400
and and see what I catch,
like when you're going fishing.

46
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,210
And seeing what's doing that.
And as he was doing that,

47
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:39,080
I also went online.
It was actually one of my sisters,

48
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:43,160
uh, several months prior told me
to go online.

49
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:47,870
I was hesitant, I was, you know, I'm
traditional in the sense that I still

50
00:03:47,870 --> 00:03:51,500
want to meet someone face to face.
You know, I'm not going online to

51
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:55,160
meet someone because I consider
myself like an authentic person.

52
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:58,910
I want to see you connect with
you in person.

53
00:03:58,910 --> 00:04:03,290
Nevertheless,
I took her advice and went online.

54
00:04:03,290 --> 00:04:06,890
And I've you know, before Anthony,
I did it not date person,

55
00:04:06,890 --> 00:04:10,040
but I went on a couple of dates.
Some of them I had to run,

56
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:16,490
run away from, of course.
And so that night when we met online,

57
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,840
I was actually about to get off.
I was fed up.

58
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:27,590
And I think that was the moment we
you, um, you connected with me?

59
00:04:27,590 --> 00:04:30,440
Well, yeah, I was sitting on the
couch and I was sending, you know,

60
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:38,420
messages to to prospects, you know,
and and some messages were similar.

61
00:04:38,420 --> 00:04:40,550
Some messages were a little
different.

62
00:04:40,850 --> 00:04:45,920
And then, uh, actually responded
to one of my messages.

63
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:49,970
And then we began to have a
dialogue in which, you know,

64
00:04:49,970 --> 00:04:52,370
we started talking for hours and
hours and hours.

65
00:04:52,370 --> 00:04:58,070
But I will tell you what I
responded to that he was quiet.

66
00:04:58,610 --> 00:05:02,930
He it was thorough.
It wasn't a hi, how are you?

67
00:05:02,930 --> 00:05:07,100
It was a paragraph that I know.
Now you copy and paste probably

68
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,860
to everyone, but nevertheless,
no, not everyone. No it wasn't.

69
00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:11,600
You know why?
Because that one was particularly

70
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,680
unique. Because he did.
I like my travels and and and

71
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:20,330
mentioned that he admired that.
You know, so just from the way in

72
00:05:20,330 --> 00:05:26,420
which, uh, that message was written,
I could tell that there was this

73
00:05:26,420 --> 00:05:30,020
guy respected me, you know,
he respected my travel.

74
00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:35,540
He respected, uh, and and also it it
seemed as though he was interested

75
00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:38,300
not necessarily in traveling,
but he was respecting and valuing

76
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:43,100
who I was as a global traveler.
Well, when I, when I, like I said,

77
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:46,220
you know, I was, you know,
not to be funny, but I was I was

78
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:50,060
cutting and pasting messages to,
to different women, you know,

79
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:54,020
but but at the same time, uh,
on many of their profiles,

80
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:57,140
I was reading, you know,
trying to see who are they,

81
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,190
you know, what are they about? Good.
But then I came to her profile

82
00:06:01,190 --> 00:06:04,160
and I saw that she was in
different countries, even though

83
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,730
I wasn't a traveler at the time.
But I could tell it wasn't the US,

84
00:06:07,730 --> 00:06:09,710
you know?
So it was different countries.

85
00:06:09,710 --> 00:06:12,680
And I was like, oh, that's
interesting. It's very interesting.

86
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,710
So in depth, I thought, you know,
writing like and like she said,

87
00:06:15,710 --> 00:06:19,400
I wrote a paragraph and uh,
and there we go.

88
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:23,060
And then we, we spoke on the
phone for numerous hours.

89
00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:25,820
And then afterwards,
I think it was a week later,

90
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:30,740
we met in Manhattan, and the rest
is history. It's two weeks later.

91
00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:33,590
Well, maybe more or less. Yes.
I think it was about a week in

92
00:06:33,710 --> 00:06:36,770
and half. Yes. Like that. Yes.
But you know what you missed, though?

93
00:06:36,770 --> 00:06:41,600
That same night when we were texting,
really, I was on my computer.

94
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,220
And were you texting or on your
computer?

95
00:06:43,220 --> 00:06:45,410
I think you were on your computer.
Yes, because you were home.

96
00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:50,760
So we were communicating. Um.
Writing, of course.

97
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:56,820
We actually stopped at one moment and
started talking on on the phone the

98
00:06:56,820 --> 00:07:01,950
same time we met, because it's as if
we had so much we wanted to say,

99
00:07:01,950 --> 00:07:05,490
and we were genuinely not.
I wouldn't say curious,

100
00:07:05,490 --> 00:07:09,720
but excited about the conflict
in the conversation.

101
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:14,040
And we just were eager to just
connect and share more.

102
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:18,720
And it wasn't just the about us in
an intimate way, like, you know,

103
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,120
it was just it was broader.
It was broader.

104
00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:24,960
Well, the thing is, you know,
when you're texting someone, uh,

105
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:30,540
you don't hear the emotion in a
voice, you don't hear if that

106
00:07:30,540 --> 00:07:36,870
individual is, uh, authentic,
inauthentic, uh, faking it.

107
00:07:37,170 --> 00:07:39,900
You know, when, when you,
when you talk to someone on the

108
00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:42,660
phone, you know,
and you hear the person's voice,

109
00:07:42,870 --> 00:07:45,870
you really can't fake anything.
You know, you're just talking,

110
00:07:45,870 --> 00:07:48,780
right? You know, and it's true.
You have to really.

111
00:07:48,780 --> 00:07:51,000
You have to be real. Yeah.
You have to be real.

112
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,640
So I don't mind the text,
but after a point,

113
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,340
I want to hear the voice now.
And I think just from the text

114
00:07:56,340 --> 00:08:00,480
though, we, we realized we we
realized that, wow, I want to

115
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,720
get to know this person more.
And we didn't play games like,

116
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:07,800
oh, let him wait for a week.
No, we just got on that same

117
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,640
night and I think we talked for
five hours or like 3 or 4 hours.

118
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,940
We were just so happy.
We're like, you know, kids in a way,

119
00:08:14,940 --> 00:08:18,330
really talking back and forth
and just genuinely excited to.

120
00:08:18,330 --> 00:08:23,340
You know, the the the dating app
is excellent in this day and age,

121
00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:26,790
you know,
but I think it creates a disconnect.

122
00:08:27,270 --> 00:08:30,810
You know, at first because people
play games, men and women,

123
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,650
men and women play games.
They, they, they change their,

124
00:08:34,650 --> 00:08:38,040
their profile picture.
They show a picture of 20 years

125
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:42,780
ago or ten years ago.
You know, I had that issue where I

126
00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:48,030
went on a date and the person did not
look like what the picture presented.

127
00:08:48,180 --> 00:08:51,600
And I was like, oh, who's this?
Who is this?

128
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:56,130
But, you know, being respectful,
you know, I went to dinner,

129
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,610
you know, had a good chat,
but then it was like, goodbye.

130
00:08:59,850 --> 00:09:02,520
Yeah, but not in our case.
No, not in our case.

131
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:06,060
Because again,
we we connected authentically, um,

132
00:09:06,390 --> 00:09:11,130
through writing and by communicating.
And we were both genuinely just

133
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:14,550
excited to,
to connect and meet each other.

134
00:09:14,550 --> 00:09:18,180
And so we met up in New York, I,
I, I think I drove,

135
00:09:18,180 --> 00:09:21,150
I think I did I drive, no,
I took the train, I drove the train.

136
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:25,170
He drove from Queens to Manhattan,
and I took the train into Manhattan.

137
00:09:25,170 --> 00:09:29,550
And we connected there.
And the moment we met, it was just

138
00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:33,810
like, ah, you know, we were so happy.
And we went walking in Central

139
00:09:33,810 --> 00:09:39,210
Park and, uh, it was beautiful.
No, it was a good experience.

140
00:09:39,210 --> 00:09:43,380
It was a good experience, you know.
And I know every relationship is

141
00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:45,540
different.
And I'm a little detail, um,

142
00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:48,330
he was, you know, it was.
It's costly in Manhattan when

143
00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:51,180
you have to park and pay for
little things, you're in there.

144
00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:55,860
So he was doing most of that.
So when it came time for lunch,

145
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:59,700
you know, I, I paid.
But then I said,

146
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:04,620
let this be the last time that I
pay when we go out to dinner.

147
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:13,530
From now on, he and I love he says,
okay, you know, and you know,

148
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,710
it's just something I wanted to say.
Maybe it was a test,

149
00:10:16,710 --> 00:10:21,180
I don't know. But, you know.
One of those things, just one of

150
00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:27,510
those things, it seems to matter.
It does. Well. So go on.

151
00:10:27,510 --> 00:10:31,230
When did you know that you were
the one for each other?

152
00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:33,480
You know, after that point,
when did you know?

153
00:10:33,930 --> 00:10:38,250
Um, I think I think probably soon
after that. Like when exactly?

154
00:10:38,490 --> 00:10:41,220
I think it was.
So I can't pinpoint it did in time.

155
00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:44,760
But you just know because you,
you speak to the person, you know,

156
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:48,690
we we we spoke to each other,
we got to know each other.

157
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:51,840
You know, we had that that feeling,
you know, that. Wow.

158
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,840
We're comfortable with each other.
Yes. It's about comfort too.

159
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,540
So yes, we say okay,
we have things in common.

160
00:10:57,540 --> 00:10:59,640
There are things we don't have
in common. It's okay.

161
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,250
And we didn't have to change
ourselves at all for each other.

162
00:11:02,250 --> 00:11:05,520
No, no, we were just authentic,
you know, because.

163
00:11:05,580 --> 00:11:10,170
Well, I never yeah, I never felt like
I had to change my personality or

164
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:14,400
because I'm a very strong, confident,
happy, bubbly person and extrovert.

165
00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:20,250
And you'd never guess.
And then he's the mellow,

166
00:11:20,250 --> 00:11:23,490
calm person.
And and I love how we just

167
00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:26,730
complement each other.
Like he embraced that about me.

168
00:11:26,730 --> 00:11:30,780
My energy and I embraced.
And I love his calm self because

169
00:11:30,780 --> 00:11:33,660
he helped.
He sometimes sees that I'm anxious

170
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:37,260
and he would say, how were you doing?
You know, like that was like,

171
00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:40,740
are you okay? You know, all the time.
It just looked at me a certain

172
00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:45,000
way and I'm like, I'm fine.
So I love and, you know, I love that,

173
00:11:45,540 --> 00:11:48,240
um, that he's very sturdy.
He's very calm.

174
00:11:48,570 --> 00:11:53,490
Um, and so he kind of balances me.
Um, I want to say balances me a

175
00:11:53,490 --> 00:11:55,620
little bit.
And I do the same for you as well.

176
00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:57,840
Yeah, yeah.
But there was a moment, though,

177
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,320
when we had challenges in our
relationship where he was dealing

178
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:06,930
with a lot of stress from work.
And so there was this moment and,

179
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:10,620
and also, um, yeah, some challenges.
I'll leave it at that.

180
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:15,150
And it wasn't our relationship per
se, how we feel towards each other.

181
00:12:15,150 --> 00:12:18,270
But you know, how people come into
relationships still with a lot of

182
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:23,490
traumas or a lot of issues at work,
and it's absolutely. Exactly.

183
00:12:23,490 --> 00:12:28,470
So it became overwhelming for me.
And I took a job in China, and I just

184
00:12:28,470 --> 00:12:31,740
felt like it's it's you know, what?
He's not like at the first I said,

185
00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:36,090
he's not doing enough to just pull me
and said, I want you no matter what.

186
00:12:36,450 --> 00:12:41,670
And, and I, I left and I went to
China for a year, I want to say

187
00:12:41,670 --> 00:12:45,120
an academic year, really?
That's about eight months to teach.

188
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:50,580
And when I was there,
we didn't really speak a lot.

189
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:54,270
Nevertheless,
I was always thinking about him and

190
00:12:54,270 --> 00:12:56,910
he was always thinking about me.
But we only knew this, you know,

191
00:12:56,910 --> 00:13:00,870
upon my return.
But the moment that I knew that,

192
00:13:01,170 --> 00:13:04,320
I think there's several moments that
I knew that he was the one for me

193
00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:08,820
was when we went out with my dad.
Remember, we went to a market like

194
00:13:08,820 --> 00:13:13,890
a Whole Foods market with my dad.
And daddy said to me, uh,

195
00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:19,420
when he was alive, he said, um.
I like him. Just.

196
00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:23,020
I mean, I'm like, daddy never likes
anybody. You know, any would say.

197
00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:25,690
He would say.
He would say, take it easy on him.

198
00:13:25,780 --> 00:13:28,210
Take it easy on.
And that's the another thing I

199
00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:30,610
was very surprised.
That's when I knew daddy

200
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,640
approves because daddy even said
take it when he would.

201
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,770
When you were gone,
when you went for the car,

202
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,190
daddy turned to me and said,
take it easy on him, dear.

203
00:13:39,190 --> 00:13:43,150
So every time, if we would have some
kind of disagreement, I would say,

204
00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:47,470
remember what your father said.
Take it easy on that.

205
00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:52,960
And then I would feel so badly
and I'm like, okay, okay,

206
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,140
I promise, you know?
So he plays that little game, like,

207
00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:59,200
remember what your father said,
take it easy on me.

208
00:13:59,470 --> 00:14:01,780
Look, every every relationship
has arguments.

209
00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:05,710
Every relationship has fights.
You cannot, uh, um,

210
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:10,060
there's no way of avoiding them.
The question is, after you have

211
00:14:10,060 --> 00:14:13,450
that disagreement or argument,
how do you come back from that?

212
00:14:13,510 --> 00:14:16,420
Mm. That's the question.
How do you come back from that?

213
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,510
Because in any relationship that's
what's important, you know.

214
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:24,100
And for what it's it's about
communication communication and

215
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:27,310
understanding each other.
Remember what I said too is like,

216
00:14:27,820 --> 00:14:30,670
yes, people can say I'm
communicating, but it's not working.

217
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:34,030
But then how do we communicate?
Like, yes, there are times we

218
00:14:34,030 --> 00:14:36,940
have heated discussion after
like every relationship.

219
00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:39,850
And he would, at least in the
beginning of a relationship,

220
00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:44,860
he would leave. I would leave, yeah.
And and I would be so angry.

221
00:14:44,860 --> 00:14:46,810
Like he just walked out on me,
you know?

222
00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:52,270
But he just needed his peace, you
know? But he just walked out, and.

223
00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:56,260
I don't leave anymore because
it's exhausting. It's exhausting.

224
00:14:57,010 --> 00:15:00,250
Yeah. You know. So.
So I just stay, I stay, you know,

225
00:15:00,250 --> 00:15:01,840
because, like, you know,
I have to confront this.

226
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,330
I have to confront this.
And one of the things we we talked

227
00:15:04,330 --> 00:15:09,400
about for years is coming back and
centering ourselves and realizing

228
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,770
that, I think you said it once,
and then you're like,

229
00:15:11,770 --> 00:15:14,710
we're not against each other.
And I would say, yeah, we're not.

230
00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:18,610
We just I said,
we just I will say the same thing

231
00:15:18,610 --> 00:15:21,460
in a different we will say the
same thing in a different way.

232
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:27,220
It tends to be the way we communicate
and sometimes just misunderstanding.

233
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:30,490
Not that we're we have an
opposite perspective.

234
00:15:30,490 --> 00:15:34,750
It's just simple misunderstanding.
And I think when we get our emotions

235
00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:39,820
that, um, um, get get the emotions
out of the way, we started,

236
00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:43,600
we start to communicate much better.
Well, sometimes when you when you do

237
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:48,910
argue, when, you know, when we argue,
you know, you have to take a break.

238
00:15:48,910 --> 00:15:53,260
You have to take a timeout, as they
say, a timeout. And I absolutely.

239
00:15:53,260 --> 00:15:57,790
Do, because the blood needs to go
from the fight and fight place at

240
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:01,480
the back of your head, back to your
cerebral cortex so you can think.

241
00:16:02,270 --> 00:16:06,470
Don't panic. Give me five minutes.
Give me five minutes.

242
00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:09,290
You know, it's not because I'm
trying to think about something.

243
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:13,460
No, I need to relax.
I need to rest my mind, and then

244
00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:16,280
I come back in a rational way.
And that's.

245
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,160
I think that's very important.
And it's worked, you know.

246
00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:22,550
And, um, yeah, I agree, I.
Have to I have to interject some

247
00:16:22,550 --> 00:16:23,930
time.
I love that you so much of an

248
00:16:23,930 --> 00:16:26,330
extrovert.
I have to I have to get some words.

249
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,580
I love that,
and that's one of the things we,

250
00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:32,750
we argue about sometimes when
we're discussing something, we're

251
00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:37,670
trying to understand a situation.
I will find myself doing all the

252
00:16:37,670 --> 00:16:41,000
talking and I'm like, Anthony,
say something, please just jump in.

253
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,750
So I'm very happy that you're
interacting like, oh, he's happy.

254
00:16:45,020 --> 00:16:48,830
Sometimes it's hard, but.
But going back to that question,

255
00:16:48,830 --> 00:16:51,470
Heather, another moment when I
realized that I loved him.

256
00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:55,160
I really love this guy.
And I'll tell you when I love him.

257
00:16:55,310 --> 00:17:01,130
When again, going back to China,
my father fell ill and it's about

258
00:17:01,130 --> 00:17:06,200
24 hour flight to come here.
And my father and I was so

259
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,590
scared that daddy was going to
die that moment.

260
00:17:09,590 --> 00:17:13,640
And even though Anthony and I were
not speaking, we weren't angry at

261
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:18,620
each other. We just weren't speaking.
Um, he was the one I called.

262
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:24,500
I have several brothers and sisters,
but he was the one I trusted to go

263
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:29,750
and not only see my dad, but give me
like a thorough update on how he

264
00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:34,550
was doing. And I called Anthony.
Of course, I was sobbing.

265
00:17:34,730 --> 00:17:38,180
I was crying so hard.
And I called to him and said,

266
00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:41,690
Anthony, can you go see my dad?
You know, and explain this?

267
00:17:41,690 --> 00:17:45,260
I explained to the situation and
he was like, okay, I'll, you know,

268
00:17:45,260 --> 00:17:49,610
and you, you were you worked about 13
hours a day. He was he worked a lot.

269
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:52,340
And he was willing,
like in a heartbeat, like, okay,

270
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:55,010
I'll go see your dad tomorrow,
you know. And then.

271
00:17:55,010 --> 00:17:57,770
Yeah, I was at a, I was at a diner,
and I just finished paying,

272
00:17:57,770 --> 00:18:01,340
and I was heading outside,
and then I received the phone call,

273
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:04,760
and then I said, no problem.
You know, because there are some

274
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:10,220
things that you have to look beyond.
Yeah, this is a person who our

275
00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:13,970
father is ZIL.
So how could I,

276
00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:18,200
whether we our relationship is good
or bad or indifferent, whatever.

277
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:22,910
How can I not how could I not? Yeah.
So I said it was a good it was a

278
00:18:22,910 --> 00:18:24,710
good thing.
It's a good thing to do, you know.

279
00:18:24,710 --> 00:18:28,040
And you know,
and I cared for her. So why not.

280
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,700
And I think when I,
when I came on that 24 hour

281
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:36,740
flight the next day or, you know,
uh, I just reconnected again,

282
00:18:36,980 --> 00:18:40,310
reconnected in daddy's room in the,
at the hospital.

283
00:18:40,310 --> 00:18:43,100
And it was that moment I'm like,
I'm not leaving him.

284
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:47,150
He I'm coming back when I
returned from China. Uh, um.

285
00:18:47,150 --> 00:18:50,350
Permanently. That's it.
We're going to have a

286
00:18:50,350 --> 00:18:54,340
relationship and I will make
sure we we deal with whatever it

287
00:18:54,340 --> 00:18:59,230
is to ensure that it works.
And it took and, you know,

288
00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:04,120
Heather, it's interesting because
a lot of women feel like the guy

289
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:07,900
has to be strong all the time.
And, you know, sometimes I realize

290
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:11,590
I'm the stronger person in the,
you know, I mean,

291
00:19:11,590 --> 00:19:14,710
he's strong in his own way and
I'm strong in a different way.

292
00:19:14,710 --> 00:19:18,400
And for the past five years,
Anthony can tell you there are

293
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:22,960
times when I had to coach him,
I had to just put on a like,

294
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,360
I don't want to say,
just sit and sit him down and say,

295
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:29,590
let's talk about your anxiety,
Anthony. What, what?

296
00:19:29,590 --> 00:19:32,260
Let's talk about your childhood.
Let's talk about some traumas

297
00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:37,630
that you've had to deal with.
And he respected that well.

298
00:19:37,630 --> 00:19:41,470
Because everyone as a man, as a man,
you know, we we're supposed to

299
00:19:41,470 --> 00:19:44,860
project, you know, strength,
power or whatever, you know,

300
00:19:44,860 --> 00:19:48,760
and which is true, men are strong,
but we also have weaknesses.

301
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:55,420
And we have to be able to, uh, um,
admit that we do have weaknesses,

302
00:19:55,420 --> 00:19:59,860
that there are things in our life
that we cannot cope with, you know,

303
00:19:59,860 --> 00:20:02,920
because we don't have that.
I can't go to my,

304
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:07,090
my male friends and say, hey,
you know, I have this this sad story.

305
00:20:07,090 --> 00:20:09,250
It doesn't work that way in any
culture.

306
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:13,660
It doesn't work that way, you know.
So women have that, that, that,

307
00:20:13,660 --> 00:20:17,560
that beauty that they, you know,
they, they can get together,

308
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:21,670
they can cry, they can they can
share intimate stories.

309
00:20:21,670 --> 00:20:26,260
But we can't do that with as men.
It's a shame we can't do that.

310
00:20:26,710 --> 00:20:30,190
It's just a fact, you know?
So so there's no release.

311
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,280
There's no release.
So we need that, that that partner,

312
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:37,630
that woman to, uh,
to hear our story and to guide us to.

313
00:20:38,110 --> 00:20:40,750
And that's what he's allowed me
to do over the years.

314
00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:46,150
For the past five years. Six years.
Um, I he just he and there's so

315
00:20:46,150 --> 00:20:51,040
much that he has shared his
childhood traumas, um, uh,

316
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:55,780
and even traumas during adulthood
and also at his work, you know,

317
00:20:55,780 --> 00:21:01,060
he's cried and, and I think that's
where we come in to as partners,

318
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:05,260
as women not feel not expecting
the guy to come in as, as as,

319
00:21:05,260 --> 00:21:09,100
what do you call it,
warriors and just amazing lovers

320
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:13,930
and amazing being because they're
carrying so much and it and I

321
00:21:13,930 --> 00:21:17,290
felt I can't speak for everyone,
but it was that's my strength.

322
00:21:17,290 --> 00:21:21,790
My strength is is coaching guiding.
And so I had to wear that hat

323
00:21:21,790 --> 00:21:25,600
sometime in this relationship because
at the end of the day, I'm like,

324
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,750
I don't want to lose him and I
want to know what's going on.

325
00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:32,020
Well, the problem is, you know,
let's say in my case, you know,

326
00:21:32,020 --> 00:21:35,290
I'm working for the government and
I'm working as an operations manager.

327
00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:40,420
I'm working 12, 13,
14 hours a day. I'm I'm stressed.

328
00:21:40,420 --> 00:21:44,650
The environment is toxic,
you know, so so there's always

329
00:21:44,650 --> 00:21:49,690
constant pressure.
So how do I balance that kind of

330
00:21:49,690 --> 00:21:54,790
work, uh, that toxic environment
and have a relationship at the

331
00:21:54,790 --> 00:21:58,420
same time and come home and say,
oh, everything is fine.

332
00:21:58,420 --> 00:22:01,360
No, you can't do that.
You can't do that.

333
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:05,230
I don't see how you can.
You know, eventually it bleeds in,

334
00:22:05,230 --> 00:22:08,470
it bleeds into the relationship
and to wherever you go.

335
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:12,220
You know, you can't change that.
So either you change, either you get

336
00:22:12,220 --> 00:22:18,550
out of the relationship and spare
the partner this, this B.S., or you

337
00:22:18,550 --> 00:22:23,350
have to leave the toxic environment.
So I chose to leave the wife.

338
00:22:23,380 --> 00:22:24,730
Tell her, tell her,
tell her why you left.

339
00:22:24,730 --> 00:22:28,540
Well, Pachulia said, oh,
I give you five years and you're

340
00:22:28,540 --> 00:22:32,320
going to be dead live. Yes.
And that was after we that was

341
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,170
when we like I think two months
after we met. Yeah.

342
00:22:35,590 --> 00:22:39,790
That was that was a 2017 a few months
after, you know, I was working in

343
00:22:39,790 --> 00:22:43,870
Manhattan and it was just a very,
very toxic environment, you know.

344
00:22:43,870 --> 00:22:47,770
And then I had to look at myself and
say, well, I'm making good money,

345
00:22:47,770 --> 00:22:51,670
but is it worth it if I'm not going
to be around to, to to spend it?

346
00:22:51,670 --> 00:22:55,600
So what's the point. You know.
And and Pachulia said to me she

347
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,350
she heard everything I was
saying about the toxic toxicity.

348
00:22:59,350 --> 00:23:02,920
I saw on her face too. Right. Right.
Because even my demeanor, everything

349
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:07,720
was changed because even even the
people who were toxic at work,

350
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:13,080
I was I was slowly becoming them.
I was. I was slowly becoming them.

351
00:23:13,110 --> 00:23:16,530
The anger, the stress,
the way they treated workers.

352
00:23:16,530 --> 00:23:22,910
I was the opposite, you know, I,
I, I led with. Uh, I was rigid.

353
00:23:23,390 --> 00:23:28,580
I was detail oriented, and I was
firm. But I also led with compassion.

354
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:32,600
That was the difference.
I was a leader that had compassion,

355
00:23:32,660 --> 00:23:34,640
you know,
and be tough at the same time.

356
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:39,470
But many of my coworkers, you know,
counterparts, they were the opposite.

357
00:23:39,470 --> 00:23:41,990
And not only that, I think one
thing you're forgetting to say

358
00:23:41,990 --> 00:23:45,020
is that you were being abused.
So when he came into the

359
00:23:45,020 --> 00:23:48,020
relationship,
he came into relationship battered.

360
00:23:48,590 --> 00:23:52,130
Well, because because the,
the you know, that's a straight too

361
00:23:52,130 --> 00:23:57,240
long on this. But the point is the.
It was a constant yelling,

362
00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,480
yelling, yelling that that was
the the mainstay.

363
00:24:00,510 --> 00:24:02,580
That's the way it was,
that environment.

364
00:24:02,580 --> 00:24:05,310
Many, many managers,
many supervisors.

365
00:24:05,310 --> 00:24:09,480
You always get yelled at, yelled at
and pressure. Your job is threatened.

366
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,940
You get cursed sometimes.
And they swore, right?

367
00:24:11,940 --> 00:24:14,130
And and it's like,
how do you deal with that?

368
00:24:14,340 --> 00:24:18,930
You know, you could only have so much
thick skin. After a while you break.

369
00:24:18,930 --> 00:24:21,780
Down, but you don't even have to
because you're very sensitive to

370
00:24:21,780 --> 00:24:24,510
and it's not so. Yeah, but.
But but honestly, in the

371
00:24:24,510 --> 00:24:27,510
beginning when I first started,
it was okay because it depends

372
00:24:27,510 --> 00:24:32,670
on who your leaders are. Yeah.
But then as I changed facilities,

373
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,980
you know, and as I progressed from
being a supervisor to a manager, you

374
00:24:37,980 --> 00:24:41,400
know, the higher I went, the worse.
Yeah, the pressure was,

375
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,190
the worse the toxicity was. Yeah.
You know,

376
00:24:44,310 --> 00:24:48,030
so that's just the way it was.
And it's funny when in September,

377
00:24:48,030 --> 00:24:51,090
that was a few months after we met,
even though he didn't go into so

378
00:24:51,090 --> 00:24:54,810
much detail for some reason,
I was able to pick that up from

379
00:24:54,810 --> 00:24:57,240
his face, his demeanor.
And I thought to myself,

380
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:02,190
this guy has there's something like,
um, that he has to offer that there's

381
00:25:02,190 --> 00:25:07,230
something I mean, he's authentic,
but he needs more peace.

382
00:25:07,230 --> 00:25:10,480
There's there's.
He's better than what he's seen,

383
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,330
even though he wasn't a bad person.
But there was something I noticed.

384
00:25:13,330 --> 00:25:15,280
He was struggling with something.
And, you know,

385
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:20,230
I looked at him and I literally said,
I'm giving you five years to live.

386
00:25:20,230 --> 00:25:22,330
For some reason,
I don't know where that came from.

387
00:25:22,330 --> 00:25:27,460
And and I said shortly after, I,
I think you should quit your job.

388
00:25:27,730 --> 00:25:33,400
And it may seem it's quite unorthodox
in that way for women who've just met

389
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:37,090
to say, quit your job, quit your job.
But I basically, Heather,

390
00:25:37,090 --> 00:25:41,020
I felt so comfortable with him
in our conversations.

391
00:25:41,020 --> 00:25:44,320
I could just tell him what I was
thinking and he wouldn't take it

392
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,020
personally.
And it was a difficult choice.

393
00:25:47,020 --> 00:25:49,390
It was a choice.
I had to think about it because

394
00:25:49,390 --> 00:25:52,330
think about it.
If you're working for the government,

395
00:25:52,750 --> 00:25:57,820
right? Yeah, you have a job for life.
So here I was about to make a

396
00:25:57,820 --> 00:26:03,700
decision to give up something that I
could have for the next 30 years

397
00:26:03,790 --> 00:26:08,770
and never get fired, you know?
So so that was a big decision,

398
00:26:08,770 --> 00:26:11,260
you know?
But then I had to outweigh my health,

399
00:26:11,260 --> 00:26:15,670
you know? Will I live those 30 years?
I think 20 years. Oh, really?

400
00:26:15,670 --> 00:26:18,100
I think he really believed me.
I think what he's trying to say,

401
00:26:18,100 --> 00:26:20,470
he believed me.
He took me from the moment he

402
00:26:20,470 --> 00:26:22,930
believed in. So anyway, we moved.
Oh, but. But it's. True.

403
00:26:22,930 --> 00:26:26,620
It's true. Forward.
You look a little too extroverted,

404
00:26:27,190 --> 00:26:31,480
but the point is. But she had.
She had good points. Yes.

405
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:36,580
And I think what I needed, what I
needed was someone to be on my side.

406
00:26:36,580 --> 00:26:43,240
Yes. To say it's okay if you leave.
It's okay if you say no more,

407
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,840
you know, and I'll support you
for whatever decision you want

408
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:50,440
to make and what you do after.
And I think that was very

409
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,020
important because, well,
for the first time in my life,

410
00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:58,570
someone actually is saying to me,
quit my job or will support me for

411
00:26:58,570 --> 00:27:03,010
leaving my job without having any,
oh, no, you can't do that.

412
00:27:03,010 --> 00:27:05,170
You're stupid.
Doesn't make any sense.

413
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,440
So that kind of support system
is excellent.

414
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:11,830
And I appreciate her for that.
Yes, it's really loving.

415
00:27:11,830 --> 00:27:14,620
It's a loving thing to say.
You know, this job's killing.

416
00:27:14,620 --> 00:27:17,740
You quit and I'm going to
support you even more.

417
00:27:17,770 --> 00:27:21,580
It's a very loving thing to say.
And it feels like that really

418
00:27:21,580 --> 00:27:25,060
touched you, Anthony.
Really touched you. Spoke to you.

419
00:27:25,660 --> 00:27:28,570
Oh, it did, it did, it did.
And then the months after.

420
00:27:28,570 --> 00:27:31,780
I don't know how many, you know.
Then I decided to leave.

421
00:27:31,780 --> 00:27:36,790
You know, I just, uh, spoke to my,
my, uh, manager and I sent an email

422
00:27:36,790 --> 00:27:43,120
to HR to solidify the deal to make
sure I can't go back, you know,

423
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:49,270
and and I just left, and I took a
stroll in Manhattan, and that's it.

424
00:27:49,660 --> 00:27:52,990
And then at first, I was like,
oh, what did I do?

425
00:27:53,260 --> 00:27:55,330
But then I said, you know what,
Anthony?

426
00:27:55,630 --> 00:27:59,290
You have to keep on moving forward.
Yeah.

427
00:27:59,290 --> 00:28:02,200
So I kept on moving forward away
from the building,

428
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:07,330
just kept on going. And that was it.
And and that story ended basically.

429
00:28:07,330 --> 00:28:11,740
It's brilliant. It's brilliant.
It's very courageous,

430
00:28:11,740 --> 00:28:14,710
a very courageous step.
And I'm hearing, you know,

431
00:28:14,710 --> 00:28:18,100
in the balance of your relationship
just how you support each other.

432
00:28:18,430 --> 00:28:22,210
You know, Anthony, you supported
Petula when her father was ill,

433
00:28:22,210 --> 00:28:26,260
even though you weren't together.
It's a sense of doing the right thing

434
00:28:26,290 --> 00:28:31,270
in the sense of coming from a true
heart, some real love for each other

435
00:28:31,270 --> 00:28:37,360
that was personal and not personal
at the same time, and really kind.

436
00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,940
Really kind and compassionate.
It's lovely.

437
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,800
So tell me now, what are the best
things, the most pleasurable

438
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:47,650
things about your relationship?
What do you enjoy together?

439
00:28:48,790 --> 00:28:55,660
That's so easy. Go, Anthony.
Well, uh, the pleasurable thing

440
00:28:55,660 --> 00:29:00,430
is that how we, first of all,
support each other emotionally.

441
00:29:01,970 --> 00:29:05,060
Activity wise.
Well, that's the first thing.

442
00:29:05,060 --> 00:29:08,120
The first thing to me is we.
We enjoy being together in the

443
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:12,080
same room. That's number one.
Like we're here at this moment in

444
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:16,430
our entertainment living room.
We are comfortable, like we wake

445
00:29:16,430 --> 00:29:19,280
up in the morning and we have our
coffee together. It's the first.

446
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,800
It's the first and foremost you
have to enjoy.

447
00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,470
Aside from activities, you have to
enjoy each other's company first.

448
00:29:24,470 --> 00:29:28,400
Yes, that's the first thing you know.
Wake up in the morning,

449
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:32,180
we'll have coffee or tea.
We'll bring it to bed and just.

450
00:29:32,180 --> 00:29:37,610
And just have a morning moment. Yes.
Just just talk about everything

451
00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:41,570
and nothing. Yes.
You know, uh, and that's it.

452
00:29:41,570 --> 00:29:44,330
That's the basis of it.
Because before you could enjoy

453
00:29:44,330 --> 00:29:47,600
anything external,
you have to enjoy the internal.

454
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:50,690
You have to enjoy the two people
that are together, which is me.

455
00:29:50,690 --> 00:29:54,620
And yes, you know, without that
there is nothing. There is nothing.

456
00:29:54,620 --> 00:29:58,940
We we genuinely enjoy just being
here now.

457
00:29:59,270 --> 00:30:04,190
Now what we enjoy to do well,
at least for me now I enjoy to

458
00:30:04,190 --> 00:30:06,620
travel. Thanks to Pachulia.
I'm going to take credit.

459
00:30:06,620 --> 00:30:10,370
Because she's been traveling.
Pachulia has been traveling for I

460
00:30:10,370 --> 00:30:14,660
don't even know 20 years I guess
something like that 25 years you know

461
00:30:14,660 --> 00:30:19,130
and she's traveled to 40 countries.
And I've only just started traveling

462
00:30:19,130 --> 00:30:23,690
since we met what seven years now.
So but I'm catching up because I

463
00:30:23,690 --> 00:30:27,830
did 20 countries.
I'm catching up. I'm catching up.

464
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:31,130
You know, as long as we don't repeat
the countries that she went to.

465
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,770
I'll be able to catch up.
There's there a couple. Yeah.

466
00:30:33,980 --> 00:30:37,610
So, you know, but we enjoy that.
First and foremost, you know, the,

467
00:30:37,610 --> 00:30:43,760
the the the traveling, the meeting,
new people, countries, cultures,

468
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:47,330
foods. It's it's an experience.
It's an experience.

469
00:30:47,900 --> 00:30:53,180
It's an experience. You know.
And if anyone who wants to travel,

470
00:30:53,180 --> 00:30:56,720
they they need to because it
opens up your mind.

471
00:30:57,460 --> 00:31:01,900
Because you see these diverse
peoples, their foods, their how

472
00:31:01,900 --> 00:31:05,680
they live, what they do, you know,
their what do you call their,

473
00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:09,580
uh. Um, just way of being.
The way of being customs.

474
00:31:09,580 --> 00:31:11,860
That's the word. Customs.
I'll tell you something interesting,

475
00:31:11,890 --> 00:31:15,130
too.
I tested him, uh, the the

476
00:31:15,130 --> 00:31:23,410
September in 2017 when we met, uh,
we we had a disagreement again.

477
00:31:23,410 --> 00:31:27,520
The relationship wasn't so strong.
It was a few months and a lot of

478
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,790
issues with with him and perhaps
myself too.

479
00:31:30,790 --> 00:31:34,480
I was dealing with some stuff at
work, and I told him, I said,

480
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:38,080
I'm going to Mexico and I'm
going for a month, so see you.

481
00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:42,800
And I said to him, well,
if you want to come to Mexico,

482
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:47,120
I'll be there for a month, you know.
So it's up to you by Tata.

483
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:54,140
So he actually came to Mexico,
and that was the very first time

484
00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:59,480
he's been out of the country, um,
since you were ten years old. Mm.

485
00:31:59,690 --> 00:32:02,240
But that was the very first time
I just left.

486
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:05,920
And I said, if you want to come.
I'm there. Come and meet me there.

487
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:11,830
I'll be there for months, a month.
And he did, um, come forward for

488
00:32:11,830 --> 00:32:15,460
two days. 2 to 3 days in Mexico.
Maybe three days? Yeah.

489
00:32:15,460 --> 00:32:19,840
Three days. And because he got it.
Because I had a I to tell my job,

490
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:21,760
you know.
So I had to tell my boss,

491
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,210
you know. Oh I need to go.
And I was trying to get a week

492
00:32:25,210 --> 00:32:29,770
and change, but that wasn't it.
So that was his first global

493
00:32:29,770 --> 00:32:33,220
experience with me.
And just it started started off

494
00:32:33,220 --> 00:32:35,110
with me simply saying I'm gone
for a month.

495
00:32:35,110 --> 00:32:37,630
If you want to come, you can come.
If not, that's fine.

496
00:32:37,630 --> 00:32:39,820
I'm gonna have fun anyway,
with or without you.

497
00:32:39,820 --> 00:32:43,120
But the thing is, you know,
I had a choice. What was my choice?

498
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:47,710
My choice was I could either
stay where I was or go see her.

499
00:32:47,740 --> 00:32:51,340
Go see Petunia, you know?
But obviously, why did I go see her?

500
00:32:51,340 --> 00:32:55,030
Because, you know, I had something
for her. I cared for her.

501
00:32:55,030 --> 00:32:57,640
So I said, you know what?
There's something there.

502
00:32:58,150 --> 00:33:01,870
So why not explore it?
And why not go and seize the moment?

503
00:33:02,290 --> 00:33:06,490
You know, another thing that we
like to do, Heather, is walking.

504
00:33:06,490 --> 00:33:10,000
We just like to get out of the house
and we take long walks during Covid,

505
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:15,730
uh, we take very long walks,
like two hours, three hours even.

506
00:33:15,730 --> 00:33:19,960
We're just walking together.
So that's something we do.

507
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:23,470
And road. Trips. And road trips.
Yes. Yeah, we like road. Trips.

508
00:33:23,500 --> 00:33:26,290
Get in the car.
We would drive from New York,

509
00:33:26,290 --> 00:33:30,730
Connecticut to Vermont to Vermont,
uh, Canada. Canada.

510
00:33:30,910 --> 00:33:34,450
You know, and it would take a
good day. Two days.

511
00:33:34,450 --> 00:33:38,290
But it was fun because, you know,
you get to to stop at different

512
00:33:38,290 --> 00:33:43,900
towns and meet people and, and just
enjoy the scenery, the mountains,

513
00:33:43,900 --> 00:33:47,560
what have you. And you know what?
We actually enjoy ourselves because

514
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,350
people would say to me, oh my God,
that is so difficult for partners

515
00:33:50,350 --> 00:33:54,120
to do. And I'm like, really?
We get along sometimes even

516
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,780
better when we're just driving,
when we're traveling, you know,

517
00:33:57,780 --> 00:34:01,140
it's like we are.
We're so connected when we're

518
00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:03,960
doing these things.
And I said, we,

519
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,530
we we never even have an argument.
It's as if we go into support

520
00:34:07,530 --> 00:34:11,070
mode for each other when we're
out as well.

521
00:34:11,070 --> 00:34:15,180
Yeah, I notice that that's true.
So that's something we'd like to do.

522
00:34:15,180 --> 00:34:19,170
What else do we like to do?
Uh, I know traveling, walking,

523
00:34:19,170 --> 00:34:22,590
just the simple things.
And when we when we.

524
00:34:22,590 --> 00:34:27,700
Don't, we don't don't, uh.
We we stay together,

525
00:34:27,970 --> 00:34:33,790
but we also at the same time,
we find time to stay apart because

526
00:34:33,790 --> 00:34:37,210
we have our own personalities.
You know, the tool, you may like

527
00:34:37,210 --> 00:34:40,510
to do certain things on our own,
you know, and me too.

528
00:34:40,780 --> 00:34:45,310
But when we come together, we enjoy
each other's company. And that's key.

529
00:34:46,030 --> 00:34:49,090
Yes, we need that, that private time,
because who doesn't?

530
00:34:49,090 --> 00:34:51,970
You know, we need to.
To think or focus or not think

531
00:34:51,970 --> 00:34:55,300
at all, you know,
and just be at peace with each other.

532
00:34:55,300 --> 00:34:57,640
We, uh, I mean,
ourselves with ourselves.

533
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:01,270
Yes, but I could say that when
we do come together,

534
00:35:01,270 --> 00:35:06,260
we enjoy each other's company.
That's true, that's true. Oh.

535
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,620
Piece of it. Oh. Go on.
Do you want to say something else?

536
00:35:10,460 --> 00:35:15,320
So what piece of advice would
you give to a new couple?

537
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:18,860
Meeting at the stage of life when you
met, what would you say is the most

538
00:35:18,860 --> 00:35:24,280
important piece of advice you'd give?
Well, I know it's a little cliche,

539
00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:27,610
but the communication part is very
important. Talk about the book.

540
00:35:27,610 --> 00:35:30,490
Remember, you're making an analogy
the other day about the book.

541
00:35:30,580 --> 00:35:33,220
Like the person is like a book
and they're slowly opening.

542
00:35:34,070 --> 00:35:39,000
Well, yeah. I mean. At first.
When you meet someone,

543
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:42,390
when two people meet.
You don't know the whole story.

544
00:35:43,330 --> 00:35:46,090
But you have to learn who the
person is.

545
00:35:47,230 --> 00:35:51,640
Don't expect that the person that
you are interested in is going

546
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,910
to tell you their life history.
On that first week,

547
00:35:54,910 --> 00:35:59,260
it will not happen.
Everyone has a timeline and how

548
00:35:59,260 --> 00:36:03,820
they want to tell you their story.
So our story is a book.

549
00:36:03,820 --> 00:36:09,790
We, each of our lives is a story.
It's a matter of how we turn the

550
00:36:09,790 --> 00:36:12,430
page.
So each person turns the page

551
00:36:12,430 --> 00:36:16,540
slower or faster.
But get to know the person.

552
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:20,590
Get to know the person's
personality history.

553
00:36:21,130 --> 00:36:24,580
You know, not in a,
in a in a research kind of way.

554
00:36:24,580 --> 00:36:26,740
Yeah. Or a rigid way or.
A rigid way,

555
00:36:26,740 --> 00:36:30,910
but an authentic way. Yes.
You know, sometimes we could ask

556
00:36:30,910 --> 00:36:33,280
each other questions.
You know, in a relationship,

557
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:35,950
we'll ask each other questions.
Or sometimes, you know what?

558
00:36:35,950 --> 00:36:39,640
We'll have a moment and we'll we'll
be talking about a particular

559
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,970
subject and then it'll come out.
Trigger something. Yes.

560
00:36:42,970 --> 00:36:46,540
I thought something will trigger
from peculiar life, you know,

561
00:36:46,540 --> 00:36:50,080
history, uh, past.
And she'll say something and

562
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:52,540
then I'll sometimes I'll wake up
in the morning and we'll talk,

563
00:36:52,540 --> 00:36:56,500
and something will come out of me.
Yes. About something from my past or.

564
00:36:56,500 --> 00:37:00,220
Or something I like or dislike
or or whatever issue I may have

565
00:37:00,220 --> 00:37:03,850
had or no issue.
Just sometimes a story is something,

566
00:37:03,850 --> 00:37:05,350
you know,
a story about something about.

567
00:37:06,010 --> 00:37:08,770
Do you know what I'm piecing
together?

568
00:37:08,770 --> 00:37:12,190
Uh, it might not be right,
but the two of you have a real

569
00:37:12,190 --> 00:37:17,890
sense of curiosity, a real sense of
adventure and a sort of wise gaze,

570
00:37:17,890 --> 00:37:21,340
you know, to explore.
Like it comes out in your beautiful

571
00:37:21,340 --> 00:37:27,100
book and you're talking about a book
and they feel really congruent the

572
00:37:27,100 --> 00:37:30,790
way you're talking about the life
book and the way you have written

573
00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:35,710
your travel book. Just so beautiful.
But it's so true, though every

574
00:37:35,710 --> 00:37:40,270
one of us has individuals,
we we are a book. Yes, we are a book.

575
00:37:40,300 --> 00:37:44,230
We are our own book.
Our own story in life, you know,

576
00:37:44,230 --> 00:37:48,190
it's just a matter of of how do
we portray that book to the ones

577
00:37:48,190 --> 00:37:52,780
we love? That's true.
You know, and, and and obviously,

578
00:37:52,780 --> 00:37:55,450
if you're in a relationship with
someone and I tell people who

579
00:37:55,450 --> 00:38:00,320
want to be in a relationship.
Sometimes give that person time

580
00:38:00,590 --> 00:38:04,550
because like I said, some people
turn those pages real quick and say,

581
00:38:04,550 --> 00:38:06,860
oh, I'm this, I'm that,
and this is what happened to me.

582
00:38:06,860 --> 00:38:10,760
And other people take their time
because it's about personality too,

583
00:38:10,790 --> 00:38:14,630
because the personality,
you know, will allow only

584
00:38:14,630 --> 00:38:18,050
certain things to be said.
And, you know, and,

585
00:38:18,050 --> 00:38:21,800
and the traumatic things that in
people's lives will come out.

586
00:38:22,470 --> 00:38:25,740
When there's trust so you can
love someone.

587
00:38:25,740 --> 00:38:29,790
But there's also a trust factor.
Do you trust that person that's

588
00:38:29,790 --> 00:38:32,610
going to take that information,
use it against you?

589
00:38:32,910 --> 00:38:36,420
You know, because sometimes, you
know, we all have our fears and, you.

590
00:38:36,420 --> 00:38:39,660
Know, and I think with, with
Anthony just could be very honest.

591
00:38:39,870 --> 00:38:46,240
Like he. He was a difficult person.
I'm going to be honest and you

592
00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:49,120
know that you had made that.
You're stubborn, he's stubborn.

593
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:53,260
And he was very difficult because
one of I mentioned in my book,

594
00:38:53,260 --> 00:38:57,880
My Happy Escape Adventures off of a
global journal when I started, when I

595
00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,270
started working on this book about
traveling around the world globally,

596
00:39:01,780 --> 00:39:07,000
I did not include my life as someone
who migrated from Jamaica to the US.

597
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,660
At first my editor said,
you have to include you.

598
00:39:10,660 --> 00:39:14,200
And so I started sharing now
certain traumas,

599
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:20,170
culture shock coming to the US.
Um, and, and the issue of social

600
00:39:20,170 --> 00:39:24,400
issues that I'm encountering as a
teenager, not, you know, just being

601
00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:29,200
very naive or trusting in a society,
a new society that I was supposed

602
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,900
to fall in love with, you know,
the land of opportunity and

603
00:39:31,900 --> 00:39:36,160
encountering so many different,
uh, challenges, like many women or

604
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:40,600
people or someone who's migrated,
um, from a different culture,

605
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:44,890
different backgrounds.
So the book chronicles this

606
00:39:44,890 --> 00:39:50,710
journey of not only escaping,
but learning to let go, uh,

607
00:39:50,710 --> 00:39:55,570
and moving away and moving towards,
uh, that which makes you happy.

608
00:39:56,350 --> 00:39:59,230
Uh, many times I'll hear people say
during the writing of this book,

609
00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:02,230
why are you escaping? Why escape?
I said, no, it's my happy escape,

610
00:40:02,230 --> 00:40:05,830
and I have the right to escape.
Anything I want to run away from

611
00:40:05,830 --> 00:40:09,910
if it doesn't serve me.
And I think that's the case with

612
00:40:09,910 --> 00:40:13,240
this relationship.
I went to China along with my work,

613
00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:16,960
you know, my my job as a professor
at a particular university.

614
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:20,560
So another thing that we were
escaping and I didn't want to

615
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,110
mention in this interview,
but we have to be authentic and

616
00:40:23,110 --> 00:40:27,580
honest, is the first day we met,
Anthony told me, oh,

617
00:40:27,610 --> 00:40:31,990
my family will not accept you because
of our cultural differences or

618
00:40:31,990 --> 00:40:37,420
physically cultural differences.
And and that was and that was on

619
00:40:37,420 --> 00:40:41,980
our first date.
So that was a shock to my system,

620
00:40:42,460 --> 00:40:44,350
you know,
and I and I want to bring that up

621
00:40:44,350 --> 00:40:49,600
because that brought in new like
traumas for me in the relationship.

622
00:40:49,900 --> 00:40:55,720
And I was struggling like for a year,
two years, even three years in

623
00:40:55,720 --> 00:40:58,360
this relationship.
So I want people to know out

624
00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:01,630
there that relationship is not a
bed of roses.

625
00:41:01,630 --> 00:41:05,140
Oh, I met I meet my prince and my,
you know, my Prince Charming and oh,

626
00:41:05,140 --> 00:41:08,200
that's it from.
It's it's it's downhill from here on.

627
00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:13,180
No, you know, we came into this
relationship him being traumatized,

628
00:41:13,180 --> 00:41:17,320
you know, not only from work but
from his his mother's perception

629
00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:21,280
of who he should be dating versus
who he should not be dating.

630
00:41:21,550 --> 00:41:25,480
Um, in terms of what they look like
or culture or, or based on culture.

631
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:29,260
So that was a header that was a
shock to my system.

632
00:41:29,260 --> 00:41:31,840
And I mentioned it in slightly
in the book. I brought it up.

633
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:35,290
It wasn't the focus, of course,
but I had to include that.

634
00:41:35,980 --> 00:41:41,350
Um, and it, it, it was a
challenge for years actually.

635
00:41:41,350 --> 00:41:44,650
And Anthony,
who love this loves his mom so much.

636
00:41:44,650 --> 00:41:47,290
And I always, you know, growing
up in my culture as a Jamaican,

637
00:41:47,290 --> 00:41:51,010
we were taught to respect elderly,
the elders, no matter what.

638
00:41:51,250 --> 00:41:54,580
Even if they shake you,
you still have to give them respect.

639
00:41:54,580 --> 00:41:58,480
So I'm struggling with, okay,
this woman doesn't know me,

640
00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,720
and yet she doesn't like me because
she knows you know what I represent.

641
00:42:01,720 --> 00:42:06,790
I come from a cultural perspective,
so I had still had to respect from

642
00:42:06,790 --> 00:42:09,880
that perspective, because it's a
cultural thing where you have to

643
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,880
respect those who, you know,
individuals who are older than you.

644
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:16,270
And so we're struggling,
and I'm struggling with him, too.

645
00:42:16,270 --> 00:42:19,270
I'm saying, well, why can't you
do this? Why can't you do that?

646
00:42:19,270 --> 00:42:25,210
There was a moment when I had to say,
uh, there was a moment in the

647
00:42:25,210 --> 00:42:27,790
relationship.
Whenever we would bring his mom up

648
00:42:27,790 --> 00:42:30,970
or that issue, he would get angry.
He would get like,

649
00:42:30,970 --> 00:42:34,030
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it because

650
00:42:34,390 --> 00:42:38,980
it was defined as, wait, wait,
wait, wait, you saw it as a moment.

651
00:42:38,980 --> 00:42:40,960
It's a sensitive topic for him,
right?

652
00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:45,220
And he started protecting me and he
started protecting his mom, too.

653
00:42:45,220 --> 00:42:48,280
And I love the love between a mom,
you know. So I've never tried to.

654
00:42:48,460 --> 00:42:50,860
As a matter of fact,
I oftentimes say, well, when you

655
00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:53,380
go see your mom, make sure you
give her a big kiss and a big hug.

656
00:42:53,380 --> 00:42:56,590
Always do that, because there are
times when Anthony just says,

657
00:42:56,590 --> 00:42:59,470
I don't want to see her,
because I just want to be with you,

658
00:42:59,470 --> 00:43:01,270
and I don't want to see her.
And I said, no,

659
00:43:01,270 --> 00:43:05,440
you are going to go see your mom
every two weeks or whenever you want,

660
00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:07,870
and you're going to love her.
Just connect with her,

661
00:43:07,870 --> 00:43:10,810
take photos with her.
You know, no matter, even if she

662
00:43:10,810 --> 00:43:13,120
doesn't want to see me, doesn't
want to meet me, it doesn't matter.

663
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:16,420
I want you to have a good
relationship with your mom.

664
00:43:16,420 --> 00:43:19,990
Because when she's gone, number one,
I don't want you to resent me.

665
00:43:19,990 --> 00:43:24,430
And number two, I want you to have
great memories like I do with my dad.

666
00:43:25,180 --> 00:43:28,510
Uh, or do you know, off my dad?
Rather so, so.

667
00:43:28,510 --> 00:43:34,750
Well, no, but it was a traumatic
experience for me. And we. And it's.

668
00:43:34,750 --> 00:43:38,920
Honestly, Heather, it is recently,
maybe a year, Anthony.

669
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:42,160
A year and a half that we've
actually we had a.

670
00:43:42,370 --> 00:43:45,820
You had a breakthrough and we had
a breakthrough in a relationship

671
00:43:45,820 --> 00:43:51,940
where it's like, you know what? We.
It's. We have to live our lives.

672
00:43:52,820 --> 00:43:56,000
No matter what.
And we and we, we know for a

673
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:59,630
fact that we love each other.
And that's what matters.

674
00:43:59,630 --> 00:44:03,740
So people basically what I'm saying,
Heather, um, we're going to

675
00:44:03,740 --> 00:44:07,850
enter relationships with a lot
of different issues, of course,

676
00:44:07,850 --> 00:44:11,600
but how do we address that?
Do we love each other enough to

677
00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:16,670
make sure we we we stay together?
Are we are or are we going to

678
00:44:16,670 --> 00:44:22,030
have someone just. Tear us apart.
And we we, we've chosen to be

679
00:44:22,030 --> 00:44:24,640
together and continue loving
each other no matter what.

680
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,130
Well, everything is a choice in life.
Everything.

681
00:44:27,130 --> 00:44:32,560
So when I when I first met her or
before I even met Pachulia, you know,

682
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:38,590
I'm looking on the internet and it
doesn't matter what culture or color,

683
00:44:39,310 --> 00:44:43,690
whatever you want to call it
that the the woman may be I,

684
00:44:43,690 --> 00:44:46,330
I was I was just interested.
I just looked at the characteristics,

685
00:44:46,330 --> 00:44:49,090
I look at the beauty,
I looked at who the person was.

686
00:44:49,090 --> 00:44:51,130
I wasn't looking at color.
Let's put it away.

687
00:44:51,130 --> 00:44:57,200
I wasn't looking at color, you know.
And at that point I made decisions

688
00:44:57,200 --> 00:45:00,980
like, and here I'm coming in.
I know how my family is, my family,

689
00:45:00,980 --> 00:45:04,280
and it hurts me to even say this,
that they are racist and they're

690
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:06,260
hateful people.
And, you know, and I hate saying

691
00:45:06,260 --> 00:45:08,870
that because they're my family,
they're my blood.

692
00:45:08,870 --> 00:45:11,870
They're the ones who created me and
made me, you know, and it's not

693
00:45:11,870 --> 00:45:15,980
something that is easy to share.
You know, I mean, I could tell you

694
00:45:15,980 --> 00:45:20,630
this, but it's not easy for me to
say because there's still my blood.

695
00:45:21,110 --> 00:45:24,470
But at the same time,
I had to make a choice.

696
00:45:24,950 --> 00:45:31,520
So do I go out or get into a
relationship with someone that I

697
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:37,610
want to, or do I only choose
certain types or certain people.

698
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:42,110
That they approve. Of? Right.
Well, obviously. I'll say that.

699
00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:46,580
But I still make the choice.
I do the choice. You know what?

700
00:45:47,060 --> 00:45:50,210
I saw Petunia and I saw her as
an individual.

701
00:45:50,210 --> 00:45:52,850
I didn't see her as anything else,
you know.

702
00:45:52,850 --> 00:45:56,210
And that's another point for people
who are getting into relationships

703
00:45:56,210 --> 00:46:00,500
right now, especially in this
world so diverse and, you know,

704
00:46:00,830 --> 00:46:05,540
heterosexual, homosexual, whatever,
whatever your designation is and

705
00:46:05,540 --> 00:46:10,370
whoever you're you're you're looking
for or whoever you're attracted to,

706
00:46:10,700 --> 00:46:14,180
go for it. Make that choice.
Don't worry about the world.

707
00:46:14,180 --> 00:46:19,610
Don't worry about family or
people who love you and say, oh,

708
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:23,210
that's the wrong choice.
No, no, it's not the wrong choice.

709
00:46:23,210 --> 00:46:26,030
It's your choice.
Now, whether that relationship works

710
00:46:26,030 --> 00:46:29,270
out, that's between you two now.
Yes, it's between you two.

711
00:46:29,450 --> 00:46:35,240
But take that step and move forward.
Because when everyone else is

712
00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:39,560
gone from your life,
who who do disapproved of you,

713
00:46:39,590 --> 00:46:42,650
it's only going to be you two.
No one else is going to be around.

714
00:46:43,190 --> 00:46:48,550
Yeah, so. But, but.
The choice I made was clear and

715
00:46:48,670 --> 00:46:52,990
that's what I wanted.
And I think in hindsight,

716
00:46:53,260 --> 00:46:56,680
on the first day when we met and I
told her that my family wouldn't

717
00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:59,890
accept her because they were racist.
I mean, it was a little too much

718
00:46:59,890 --> 00:47:02,950
to give. It was it was like.
I think it was a little too much.

719
00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:05,680
Yeah.
But but I was very pragmatic and I

720
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:09,010
was like, you know what, Mr. Richie?
I was like, basically, look,

721
00:47:09,250 --> 00:47:12,460
look, I like you.
I want to go out with you,

722
00:47:12,460 --> 00:47:15,610
but this is the, the the crap that
you're going to, you're going to

723
00:47:15,610 --> 00:47:19,900
have this is what's going on.
So either we move forward or just,

724
00:47:19,900 --> 00:47:22,720
you know, say goodbye.
That was him putting it out

725
00:47:22,720 --> 00:47:27,670
there on the table and me, uh,
thinking, oh, he's exaggerating.

726
00:47:27,670 --> 00:47:30,400
There's no such thing like that.
I don't it doesn't make any

727
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:34,930
sense to to me at all.
So, um, sometimes I question myself.

728
00:47:34,930 --> 00:47:37,210
Here's the question myself.
You know, even years ago,

729
00:47:37,540 --> 00:47:41,110
before we met, I said, well,
how could how could one person,

730
00:47:41,410 --> 00:47:44,650
how could you have a family that,
you know, basically racist and, you

731
00:47:44,650 --> 00:47:51,490
know, and, and I know how they are.
So, um, and how do I come out of this

732
00:47:51,490 --> 00:47:55,630
not being that, you know, and. No.
And, you know, yes, I, you know,

733
00:47:56,170 --> 00:47:59,860
I have my, my little ways, you know,
sometimes, you know, and how I think

734
00:47:59,860 --> 00:48:04,270
about people and stuff like that.
But all in all, I,

735
00:48:04,630 --> 00:48:10,140
I'm true to who I am.
And I look at everybody in a in

736
00:48:10,140 --> 00:48:12,510
a good way.
You know, I don't I don't say,

737
00:48:12,510 --> 00:48:14,370
well, you know what?
I don't like these people.

738
00:48:14,370 --> 00:48:17,250
I don't like those people,
you know. Yeah.

739
00:48:17,250 --> 00:48:21,180
And I think it's,
it's it's just amazing, you know,

740
00:48:21,180 --> 00:48:25,830
and I'm proud of myself that I
straight away from that, that.

741
00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:28,710
Negative element.
Negative way of thinking.

742
00:48:28,710 --> 00:48:32,610
And that's something he gave up.
He actually in some way gave up.

743
00:48:32,610 --> 00:48:34,590
I don't know if it's for me.
I think he was already drifting

744
00:48:34,590 --> 00:48:39,930
away from the toxicity.
Uh, and he just didn't like that. So.

745
00:48:39,930 --> 00:48:43,380
Well, I was in a,
I was in a prior mixed relationship,

746
00:48:43,890 --> 00:48:48,750
you know, years prior.
And many of my family already

747
00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:53,710
didn't talk to me already.
So I already had that issue prior.

748
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:59,620
So I, I already had a disconnect.
So that disconnect was already there.

749
00:49:00,100 --> 00:49:03,040
So when I went into this
relationship with Batuu,

750
00:49:03,340 --> 00:49:08,770
you know, it was already gone.
That relationship my with most

751
00:49:08,770 --> 00:49:11,710
of my family was already gone.
The only person that I keep in

752
00:49:11,710 --> 00:49:16,570
touch with is my mother. Because.
Because as much as I disagree

753
00:49:16,570 --> 00:49:21,310
with her thoughts,
and as much as I actually dislike

754
00:49:21,430 --> 00:49:27,310
her for not accepting the Tulia.
At the end of the day, she's my

755
00:49:27,310 --> 00:49:34,060
mother. Yes. And I, she created me.
And how do I dismiss her completely?

756
00:49:34,060 --> 00:49:36,460
No. And nobody asks.
No, no no no, I'm not saying.

757
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,970
And I wouldn't allow you to do that.
And it's like you can't I wouldn't,

758
00:49:39,970 --> 00:49:41,950
you know, and that's that's the
thing, you know, honestly.

759
00:49:41,950 --> 00:49:43,630
If you dismiss her,
he would not be taught.

760
00:49:43,630 --> 00:49:47,050
I would say, do not speak to me.
Go, go talk to your mom.

761
00:49:47,050 --> 00:49:49,780
Go love. Which I do.
But basically she she's the only one

762
00:49:49,780 --> 00:49:53,140
that I pretty much did contact with.
Yes, because she's the only one

763
00:49:53,140 --> 00:49:56,470
that's really relevant to me.
The rest of the family.

764
00:49:56,470 --> 00:49:58,270
You know what it is? What it is.
Yeah, but.

765
00:49:58,270 --> 00:50:00,280
At the end of the day, Heather,
it's it's.

766
00:50:00,460 --> 00:50:04,540
I love what you said, Anthony,
about just love who you want to love.

767
00:50:04,540 --> 00:50:06,910
Forget the world.
Just connect because you have to

768
00:50:06,910 --> 00:50:11,650
do what is best for your soul.
And you have to, you know,

769
00:50:11,650 --> 00:50:15,160
if you're attracted to someone's
energy, you know them physically,

770
00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:18,850
their soul, whatever it is,
do not let anyone rob you of that.

771
00:50:18,850 --> 00:50:23,410
And I think that's a great advice,
is don't let anyone rob rob you

772
00:50:23,410 --> 00:50:27,400
of your joy and your happiness
because of a social construct or

773
00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:30,970
what I call a rigid construct.
The energy doesn't know all of

774
00:50:30,970 --> 00:50:33,910
these things, you know,
so the energy just knows what you

775
00:50:33,910 --> 00:50:37,270
need to love. You need affection.
You need to connect with with a

776
00:50:37,390 --> 00:50:43,000
with a soulmate or someone and and
just do that without resisting.

777
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:47,350
Don't sabotage.
Don't sabotage your joy because

778
00:50:47,350 --> 00:50:49,570
of someone else's.
Because of someone else's

779
00:50:49,570 --> 00:50:54,940
perspective. Yes, yes.
Um, another, uh, advice I would give

780
00:50:54,940 --> 00:50:59,020
is be authentic straightforwardly
in your relationship with someone.

781
00:50:59,020 --> 00:51:05,350
Be honest, be yourself.
Don't try to to to put on an act,

782
00:51:05,350 --> 00:51:09,610
to be liked, to be loved, be you.
Because at the end of the day,

783
00:51:09,610 --> 00:51:11,680
I think that's what people want.
Because.

784
00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:16,840
So you allow that other person
to be himself or herself, uh,

785
00:51:16,840 --> 00:51:21,370
go with the flow as well.
Um, just go with the flow in a

786
00:51:21,370 --> 00:51:23,530
relationship.
Um, remember,

787
00:51:23,530 --> 00:51:26,560
there was a moment too, I talk.
I'm switching here that I talk about

788
00:51:26,560 --> 00:51:30,640
when we're together now is we share
roles. We don't share roles because.

789
00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,860
Oh, this is a guy's role.
This is a woman's role. No.

790
00:51:32,860 --> 00:51:35,230
Anthony does the dishes because
for some reason,

791
00:51:35,230 --> 00:51:39,430
he's just good at doing the dishes.
I do the laundry he hates,

792
00:51:39,430 --> 00:51:41,470
like sweeping.
I love cleaning, so I'm always,

793
00:51:41,470 --> 00:51:45,160
like, wiping the floors.
I have, um, hardwood floors.

794
00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:47,470
I love that so much.
I'm, like, dancing around.

795
00:51:47,470 --> 00:51:52,150
That's my, you know, that's my joy.
And and I love cleaning in that way.

796
00:51:52,150 --> 00:51:57,820
So we we do things that come
natural for both of us.

797
00:51:57,820 --> 00:52:01,300
I sometimes I'll cook. Oh yes.
Sometimes I'll cook. Yes.

798
00:52:01,390 --> 00:52:04,450
Sometimes Petunia will cook.
Yeah. We share that. We share.

799
00:52:04,690 --> 00:52:07,630
Uh, like I say, washing the dishes
is nothing for me because I don't

800
00:52:07,630 --> 00:52:10,510
know why. I just like doing it.
So it doesn't. Yes.

801
00:52:10,510 --> 00:52:14,260
I don't know why, but it's something
I could do. But laundry, I can't.

802
00:52:14,380 --> 00:52:15,880
You can't stand laundry.
But you know what?

803
00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:19,030
I have actually, only recently. Yeah.
I've been I've been doing some

804
00:52:19,030 --> 00:52:22,930
laundry, but for some reason, I just
can't take it before. As a matter.

805
00:52:22,930 --> 00:52:26,800
Of fact, before he would just up to
until like less than a year ago,

806
00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:30,010
he would still bring his laundry to
his mother's house. She's so happy.

807
00:52:30,010 --> 00:52:32,620
And I said, you know what?
If that's what makes her happy,

808
00:52:32,620 --> 00:52:37,120
let her do it because she loves to do
that. So I said, why not? So as you.

809
00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:41,020
So what we do here, we do not
create rules for each other.

810
00:52:41,020 --> 00:52:45,670
We don't impose any particular
rules about what you do here,

811
00:52:45,670 --> 00:52:48,940
what you don't.
We allow we just we just be

812
00:52:48,940 --> 00:52:53,620
ourselves in whatever it is we do.
But I think that the most

813
00:52:53,620 --> 00:52:58,540
important thing for us, you know,
and for people who are just getting

814
00:52:58,540 --> 00:53:03,460
into a relationship or whether
the first time or the 10th time.

815
00:53:04,630 --> 00:53:07,870
Before you get into a relationship,
just like with us, you have to

816
00:53:07,870 --> 00:53:13,810
first be happy with yourself. Yes.
And you have to love yourself. Yes.

817
00:53:13,810 --> 00:53:16,960
You cannot love another individual.
And I don't like I know she

818
00:53:16,960 --> 00:53:19,570
doesn't like me using cannot and.
No. And, uh.

819
00:53:19,690 --> 00:53:23,350
But the thing is,
you have to love yourself first. Yes.

820
00:53:23,380 --> 00:53:27,430
Be proud of who you are as an
individual. Yes.

821
00:53:27,430 --> 00:53:30,970
And you're happy with yourself.
And you can say, hey,

822
00:53:31,120 --> 00:53:34,540
if no one's around,
I'm happy with myself. Yes. Yeah.

823
00:53:34,540 --> 00:53:38,710
And then you're able to give that
authentic self yes to someone else.

824
00:53:38,710 --> 00:53:43,980
Yes. And and it sounds so, um.
Little strange right now,

825
00:53:43,980 --> 00:53:47,940
but you know how a lot of women,
we still a lot of women love to put

826
00:53:47,940 --> 00:53:51,960
on a lots of makeup and so forth.
You know what? Take some off.

827
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:55,290
Let the person also see you for
who you are.

828
00:53:55,320 --> 00:53:58,500
You know, nothing's wrong with the
little eyeliner or lipstick and

829
00:53:58,500 --> 00:54:01,920
things like that, but I've seen
people who just like when they

830
00:54:01,920 --> 00:54:04,980
take it off, they're so different.
So you don't want the person to say,

831
00:54:04,980 --> 00:54:08,280
who's that person?
You want the person to connect

832
00:54:08,280 --> 00:54:12,690
with you? You naturally. Exactly.
That was the issue with the

833
00:54:12,690 --> 00:54:17,850
online dating, too.
You know, uh, so many people would,

834
00:54:17,850 --> 00:54:20,460
uh, I guess, you know,
there's so many programs now,

835
00:54:20,460 --> 00:54:25,950
apps where you can change your face.
You could, uh, you can make it

836
00:54:25,950 --> 00:54:29,010
filter, you can make it smoother.
You could change the hair color

837
00:54:29,010 --> 00:54:34,080
your eyes even. Shade lighter, too.
So, you know, it really distorts

838
00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:38,310
who you really are. Yes.
Now, when you distort yourself,

839
00:54:38,310 --> 00:54:40,980
you really saying that you're
not happy with yourself?

840
00:54:41,160 --> 00:54:45,570
How could you really say correct?
You know, and that's a big red flag.

841
00:54:45,570 --> 00:54:47,550
Not for the other person,
but for you.

842
00:54:48,030 --> 00:54:51,750
Because that means you don't want no
one to see you, who you really are,

843
00:54:51,900 --> 00:54:55,740
and which is actually a travesty
because you need to show the world if

844
00:54:55,740 --> 00:54:58,830
you want to put yourself out there,
who you really are.

845
00:54:59,010 --> 00:55:02,280
Yeah, yeah, this is really
interesting because that's the

846
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:05,790
work I do in calling in the one,
the first person you call in is

847
00:55:05,790 --> 00:55:10,590
yourself. Mhm, mhm.
And then when you're confident

848
00:55:10,590 --> 00:55:15,180
and happy with yourself you call
in somebody who's the same. Mm.

849
00:55:16,050 --> 00:55:19,560
Yeah. It seems like, you know.
Neither of you have done that work,

850
00:55:19,560 --> 00:55:21,510
but you've come to it naturally
yourselves,

851
00:55:21,510 --> 00:55:27,030
which is just a joy to behold.
Ah, well, I guess we've come to

852
00:55:27,030 --> 00:55:29,970
the end of our time,
but it's just been an absolute

853
00:55:29,970 --> 00:55:33,750
pleasure and joy to speak to you,
and thank you for being so honest,

854
00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:39,720
candid, kind and just full on.
It's just delightful to see such life

855
00:55:39,720 --> 00:55:43,050
in a relationship. It's beautiful.
Thank you. Well thank you, thank you.

856
00:55:43,050 --> 00:55:45,900
It was such a pleasure.
Thanks for having us.

857
00:55:46,380 --> 00:55:49,950
Oh, thank you very much.
Bye for now. All right.