Ep. 3: Why Should I Seek Therapy When I Have Jesus? ===

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Nneka: Welcome, welcome, welcome to behind the 90 with Nika. Thank you so much for joining us. Before I get started, I want to explain what the behind the 90 means. 90 percent of what we go through in life is about our past. Only 10% Is about the here and now that's why understanding a person's 90 percent becomes so very important because that 90 percent represents a person's story.

And if we want to connect with 1 another, we have to tap. And to the 90 percent and I really enjoy telling stories because it helped connects us today's guest is a very, very special guest. Yes. We're talking about why should I seek therapy when I have Jesus? I'm going to say that again. Why should I seek therapy [00:01:00] when I have Jesus?

And you'll see what I'm talking about later throughout the show. But I want to introduce my guest, Valencia Lee. She is from Dayton, Ohio, Native. Wife to her high school sweetheart, Brian Lee and mother of their five beautiful children. She's also a makeup artist and instructor to those who are beginners in the area of makeup, teaching women all over the world.

Basic makeup applications, skills for everyday. Her goal is to inspire women to embrace the beauty that already lies within while providing them a safe space to make mistakes as they learn new skills. She attributes her love for makeup and especially lipstick to her beloved grandmothers and mother who set the standard for never walking out of the house with any lipstick on.

She will later use this tradition to change the [00:02:00] world. Welcome, Valencia. Valencia is part of the empire of Valencia's cosmetics, and we'll give you more information at the end so that you can reach her, but welcome, Valencia. How are you? And thank you so much for joining

Valencia: us. Oh my goodness. It is a pleasure to be here.

Thank you for

Nneka: having me. My honor. It is clearly an honor to have you. I think you underestimate The person that you are, and I think sometimes it's uncomfortable for people to take in when people compliment them, but you offer so much. You're like a powerhouse and it's just kind of, you just got to take it in.

Just take it in. Take it in. Right? Yes. So. I'm so happy that you are joining me this evening. Thank you. But so that our audience can get to know you a little better. Um, I just asked a few questions. I feel like just asking a few little warm up questions to just kind of get [00:03:00] to know you more. Again, we're talking about why should I seek therapy when I have Jesus?

So we just want our audience to get more connected with you. So I'm going to ask you this question. Okay. If a loved one had to describe you in two words, How would they describe you and why?

Valencia: When I did pose this question, I would say generally the answers came back to me. Resilient and transparent.

Okay. There were a lot more adjectives to my surprise, but. Was it good or bad? Very

Nneka: good. Yeah, yeah, of course. Very good. Of

Valencia: course. It's always. interesting asking other people how they see you. So I was surprised and honored by the responses that I got.

Nneka: Isn't it amazing that we don't know how people are seeing us from afar?

You know, so, you know, so it's one of those things where when you think about it, not that you gotta be robotic and act a certain way, [00:04:00] but when you think about it, it really holds you accountable because you think about, like, who am I influencing? Yeah, you know, so I think the fact that they say you are resilient and transparent and that you are, you are transparent and that transparency helps so many people.

I believe so. You know what, can you speak more to Why do you feel the need to be transparent? I

Valencia: feel like this, especially as it relates to mental health, um, because I don't talk about everything, but, um, generally I document my journey because no one is documenting mental health. It's not something that's talked about enough.

We'll document weight loss. We'll document our keto recipes and the stuff that we, you're right, that we cook, you know, to help us lose the weight and we'll document even, you know, I've seen cancer journeys, people documenting their chemo treatments. Um, and so [00:05:00] many things, but I never hear people document mental health.

It's just something that we don't want to discuss enough. Um, there are a lot of people Who may feel shame, um, and don't want to relive any memories of their past and, or feel embarrassed or that they might be judged. And I feel like I resonate with a lot of people who feel stuck, who feel trapped in their heads, who feel like nobody gets it.

Um, I feel like I resonate with those people, um, and I just want people to know who are struggling with that. I want my journey, I want my testimony to encourage them to seek the help that they need to maybe take a deeper dive into their mental health and not ignore, um, recurring behaviors that may not be serving them, um, and has not been serving them throughout their life.

Um. Especially adults. And, um, I just want to be able to uplift and encourage people, not only from a natural perspective of what therapy can do, [00:06:00] but what God can do and that he's able to do and that he cares about it.

Nneka: That's, that's, man, that's a, you hit the nail right on the head. I appreciate that wisdom and knowledge because you're right.

A lot of people don't want to document mental illness because it's such a huge stigma. Yeah. You know, people, this is some, a derogatory term that people say when they say people are crazy. I don't like that term. Yeah. That term, it, it really just. It makes me so uncomfortable and it makes me angry to hear people say that because it discourages people from if they do have depression or anxiety or post traumatic stress disorder, it discourages people from saying, hey, and speak up.

Hey. I suffer with that because people automatically associate that with someone being crazy and that's that's not that's not the case at all But I know you're also a mental health advocate Can you give us give our listeners? Uh, just uh some insight into your [00:07:00] journey. I know you encountered um Childhood trauma.

And if you can kind of give our audience, our listeners, some insight into that. I know you're a devout Christian as well. And so sometimes, you know, people like, you know, with our title, uh, why should I seek therapy when I have Jesus and sometimes in the Christian community, you know. We don't want to subscribe to mental health counseling because it's like, if you've got Jesus, you should be doing this and this and this, you should not be suffering.

But guess what? Christians suffer. We have past, we have backgrounds, we have things, so we suffer. So if you could give us some insight into your journey, your, uh, your faith journey, a mental health journey, can you give some insight and speak to that person? That maybe, you know, that's a Christian. That's a devout Christian as you are.

Can you speak to that audience? I mean, I want to speak to everybody, but can you speak to that audience and giving them some insight [00:08:00] as it relates to your journey with your faith and now, you know, uh, your mental health?

Valencia: So I think the two correlate. Especially as a believer, I feel like the Lord gives us resources.

Um, and I often say, and I know I've shared this with you, Nika, how, if it were cancer, there's a chemo treatment for that. There's a radiation treatment for that. If it were kidney failure, there is dialysis for that. If it were diabetes, there's medicine until you get your weight together or whatever it is you have to do to realign yourself and position yourself.

For the healing specific to your need. But for whatever reason, when we talk about the mind, it's like, Oh no, don't take medicine. No, don't seek therapy. Don't seek treatment programs because you're not trusting God enough. You're not having faith. You're not. Um, there's death and life in the power of a tongue.

Someone told me. And so, you know, you gotta speak life. You can't claim. And it's like, It's not that I'm claiming [00:09:00] it or wearing it as a badge of honor. Although at one point in my life I did wear mental disorders as a badge of honor because the more I became aware the more I just wanted people to leave me alone because I began to gain insight on what was wrong with me and that was another barrier that I had created to kind of keep people out.

Um, but what I wasn't doing, um, I was going to therapy and doing all the Responsible things to do, but I wasn't fully converted and it's just like Christianity. You can go to church, go to church, go to church, but unless you're fully converted to God's word and practices, then are you really a Christian?

And so I feel like when you make up in your mind, when you make a decision, okay. I'm no longer doing this therapy for my family members because they say something's wrong with me. No, maybe there really is something and I need to take it a [00:10:00] little bit more serious. Um, I know my mental health journey has been a combination of me just doing things because it was the right thing to do, air quotes, because My spouse may have wanted me to go forward with it, or there were just things in my life that I wanted to, um, see change, but I wasn't fully committed.

To the process. I wasn't fully committed to the work. Um, and so I seen a lot of different therapists and I was diagnosed with a lot of different things over the years too, but it wasn't what I'm experiencing right now as I am progressing very well. As far as my mental health journey goes, I believe that, um, how I even got here was.

It was an unfortunate incident that occurred, but my husband brought me the information about dbt and I was just not interested at all because I had already been seeing a therapist. I was cool where I was. I [00:11:00] didn't want to make any adjustments. And so finally, with some persuasion, I went on and I did the program and, um.

As I began to go through it, I'm a year and a half in now. Um, but as, as, as I let my guard down and I began to become more open and willing to the process, then it started to change my life and I started to see the things that I needed to see and how to really get help, um, even though it's been very, very challenging, it's also been very rewarding and fulfilling at the same time.

And so the Lord gives me strength to do it. There's no way in my own natural ability. I can do treatment twice a week. The way I've been doing it. It's

Nneka: intense. That's very intense. Very intense work. Yeah, so you, what was the name of the treatment that you're in again?

Valencia: Uh, I think it's called dialectical behavioral therapy.

Or short, DBT. Yeah, DBT. Okay. Specifically for post traumatic stress disorders and Borderline [00:12:00] personality disorder. Okay. Yeah.

Nneka: Um, and so we talked, you talked about medicine and I think, I think we had talked earlier and you had said something that was very key.

There are certain things that now we want to encourage, you know, everybody's situation is different, right? So if you need medicine, you need medicine. But like you said, Valencia, earlier people were treating you for depression, um, bipolar disorder. And it wasn't, it was misdiagnosis, right? So you weren't being treated properly.

So when you took that deeper dive into DBT, you recognize that what I'm dealing with, what's your diagnosis?

Valencia: Borderline personality disorder and post traumatic stress. And what

Nneka: does that mean?

Valencia: Post traumatic stress disorder. A lot of people, cause I think I told you earlier, people ask me like, were you in combat?

No, I wasn't in combat. I didn't serve in the war. Actually here, post traumatic stress [00:13:00] disorder may develop after a person has experienced, witnessed, or learned about one or more traumatic events. PTSD symptoms may start immediately after a traumatic event. Or they may not appear until years later. They can also be, they can also vary in intensity over time.

Um, so as I was saying before, I was diagnosed with so many different things and I probably didn't even really have it. There were other symptoms before we can even get to this. I was diagnosed with PTSD. During the pandemic in 2020. Um, and so some people PTSD looks like symptoms around anniversary dates of past traumatic events, and you're just under high stress a lot.

Um, and there's so many, like, different categories that PTSD falls under, but it's a lot of intrusive thoughts. It is high alert. It is feeling unsafe, feeling like the world is unsafe. Feeling like spaces and environments that you're in is unsafe as well. I know [00:14:00] currently I struggle. With certain spaces that, um, there may have been some type of traumatic experiences or maybe, um, disagreements or things without resolve and that have caused me to feel that I am not safe because my mind has told me you're not safe here.

You're under attack. You know, you're in danger, even though in real life, you're not in any physical harm, but it's the way your body feels and reacts when you're in these spaces. It causes you to be on high alert. And so you run away, you avoid the space altogether. If you can't avoid this space altogether, then you like shrink, you become very just quiet and until it's over with.

Nneka: Give me an ex, give our listeners an example of when that has happened where you have. Felt, you know, uh, like you said where you've had to shrink or is it normally give us a [00:15:00] situation Give us an encounter

Valencia: so I have quite a few encounters um I'm trying to figure out a way to put it That's

Nneka: safe. So when we talk about the valencia before treatment and the valencia now Right valencia before treatment when she would encounter someone You know, I don't know, being, maybe, I don't know, not even being disrespectful or crossing your boundaries.

Valencia: Or, I don't know, for a person, if I felt rejected by an individual, then I would act out on that. Um, not really knowing why I was acting out. That was like a part of the BPD because what personality disorders, your responses are due to abandonment issues. So you're always feeling like someone's going to abandon you.

And I've had plenty of close relationships or relationships that I felt were [00:16:00] valuable to me, but they may not have been valuable to that other person. And so when there was a shift in the relationship that caused me to feel abandoned, that caused me to feel unloved, it caused me to feel unseen. It caused me to feel invisible.

And so many other thoughts that I will ruminate over and they would just continue to get louder and louder and louder. And so that's when the PTSD kicks in and be like, you're not safe here. They don't like you. They only tolerate you. Um, and these, this happens a lot in certain spaces.

Nneka: So when that happens, like you said, before, you know, you went through the treatment, how would you respond to that?

Valencia: I just get really quiet. I don't say much or I'm, I'm running out the door. I do what I have to do and get what I need to get or whatever. Um, or somewhere, if it's a dinner, my husband and I were invited to, and it may not be people that I feel. Save around there, but it's like a being a team player kind of thing.

I get kind of tired of being a team player. [00:17:00] It causes tension sometimes because. My husband, he is a outgoing, even though he would probably tell you he's an introvert. He's not an introvert. He's not. He can talk and mingle, and he has a beautiful smile, and he's just very charismatic. I call him Obama all the time, you know, kiss the babies., so that's him. Um, and I feel like. Over time, that was robbed from me because I used to be really outgoing and I used to be very, you know, friendly and just, but then as life started happening and you begin to learn people and you begin to respond to how people treat you and you just want to be understood and you just want to be accepted.

It became a negative thing and I just began spiraling for many, many years and didn't really know why until I started

Nneka: dbt. So would you say though, that sometimes, like you said, with those intrusive thoughts that there were, they were irrational [00:18:00] thoughts. They didn't have, there weren't, you know, in some cases there may have been a basis to it, right?

But in some cases, would you say there was no basis for how you were feeling, but it was the intrusive thoughts, the negative thoughts. That caused you to respond in a way that wasn't in that moment may not have been necessary, but your mind is telling you my mind.

Valencia: Yeah, you are in danger. And it's like, no, in reality, no one's coming to harm you, but it's so engulfed in your mind that you are in danger.

And so dbt, you gotta use, like, they teach you skills. They teach you things like you play with fidget toys. You do certain things to offset. Um, how your body may be feeling because it's a it's like a chemical reaction and it's almost like you can't help it at that point because you're on instant high alert and so you have to do something to

Nneka: defuse it.

So, there's a, they call it like high levels of cortisol that's being released in your body when there's this fight or flight. [00:19:00] So, it's just like, it's a stress hormone distress tolerance. Yeah. Yes. Yes. So. Okay, so you have, I want to go back just a little bit, but when you were like a small child, when did you, because a lot of time, you know, kids can't, you know, when you go through childhood trauma, and you're going through it, because the disturbance that we experience in life is due to relationships or the lack thereof.

Everything is about a relationship, right? Disfunctional relationships, you know, things are being projected on you and, you know, or what have you, but when you think about when you were a child and you, what were some of the behaviors that you were demonstrating? And I think what people have to realize is that when people are acting as young people, they're trying to send a message cognitively.

They don't have the verbiage to say. This life sucks. I'm tired of you. I'm tired of you. You ain't right. You ain't right. And this is how I feel. They don't have the cognitive ability to, [00:20:00] um, express that. So when a child is acting out, that's their way of communicating dissatisfaction with life. I am dissatisfied with life.

So what were some of the behaviors that people misinterpreted and didn't necessarily dig deep enough?

Valencia: My attitude. Okay, yeah, my attitude. Um, and I'm going to try to say this non judgmentally. Um, something that we learned in dbt is how to describe facts and not your emotions or opinion. Um, and that even include, and it's because people in my case have been invalidated all their lives and you have to begin to speak positively to yourself and just stay back.

So I can't say, My attitude sucked. That would be a judgment. So I have to find a way to reword things, um, to where it is just stating the fact only and not my negative view on myself as a person then. Um, but my attitude was.

It was, it was challenging for people to understand my level [00:21:00] of behavior because my mouth was, you know, slick. I always had like a clap back for everything. You're ready, huh? Yeah, even as a kid, um, I was just very smart mouth. Um, and I really believe it was because of all the verbal abuse that I endured from my mom.

The things that she would say to me and do. And I just, I had to like develop this. Tough skin because at this point, nobody's advocating for me. Nobody's sticking up for me. Good word So I got to do this on my own and so I was always you know I walked around like with a chip on my shoulder and it will bother people Because they didn't understand and you know, you hear stuff.

Well, I went through stuff to win, you know But you need to you know, you hear those things It's like, okay, but

Nneka: we're all wired different. Our DNA is everybody's DNA is different. So how you respond to things and what I experienced is so different. So it's so unfair to, to make that judgment. [00:22:00] Right. And I think it's because people are so uncomfortable.

They don't want to have to do they like some people like to deal with things on the surface. Yeah. You know what? Don't, talk about that. That was in the that should still be bothering you. Exactly. Well, guess what trauma when you have trauma, when you think about the social development, you, you get stuck somewhere, you experience a lot of trauma at six years old, seven years old, that social development is delayed.

Yeah, your cognitions, you know, there are certain things that is delayed because you didn't get what you needed. And at that phase of your life. And so I think it's so unfair when people say that. I think people need to not be so judgmental and like you said, judgment fuels unwanted emotions. So state the facts, state the facts.

So when people see, let's say Valencia or anybody for that matter, you're not smiling. You know, you got your arms crossed and people automatically say, Oh my God, you got attitude. She mad at me. I hear that a lot, but it's just like, that's a [00:23:00] judgment, you know, uh, that's a judgment. That's a judgment. So it's just

Valencia: like, Smiling is just, that is, I hear that the most.

And I believe I have a beautiful smile. It's just, there's something I don't put on display unless I'm doing content or something. I just don't feel the need to just go around smiling, but for other people it's just life changing. And I try to be more conscious of that now since I am healing. It's like, okay, I'll be open to smiling more, but that's just not something I subscribe to.

But it. Doesn't necessarily mean that I'm. angry at an individual or whatever. It's just a lot going on up here. So it gives me reason not to smile because I'm waiting in my mind. You say you're waiting, waiting, waiting. It's really

Nneka: heavy. It's really heavy. And so people shouldn't take, so what you're saying Valencia people should not take it personal.

Valencia: I can't tell a person how they should or should not take something because who are you to tell me what I should and should not do. However, If I am open and honest [00:24:00] about where I am, especially if I have a relationship with you, then I would expect it to become easier for you to understand me. Um, and to understand that.

It is not personal. This is just me and the things that I'm navigating in my head, but people who don't know me, they immediately put their judgments on me all the time. Pretty is probably the one I get consistently, but the rest of it is stuck up or mean or, um, Whatever. You name it. I'm in. I'm none of those things.

Nneka: But I think when people at first glance, you know, like you say, you're beautiful. You're, you know, you're very well put together. Every time I see you, I'm like, Oh, I'm gonna be around Valencia... you know how to put things together very nicely. So that's nice. But in your bio, you talk about Lipstick because I know, you know, with Valencia cosmetics, um, you have a lipstick line, but I like the, in your bio, you talked about, um, lipstick, um, your grandmother and your [00:25:00] mother said, don't walk out the door without lipstick.

What did what was that about? Then we'll go back to some, but I'm just curious about that. That

Valencia: was just something that they did. My great aunt, who was like my grandmother, because she raised me at, um, very critical times in my life. And I think, uh, talked about that in the documentary. Um, I think so. Um, but she was a key figure in my life.

Um, she wore lipstick. She wore reds or moths. And then I had my nana who wore reds and moths. And then my mom who only wore a red lip. She never wore anything outside of that. She reminded me of Sade Abu. Light skin, big forehead, long hair. Um, she was very, very pretty. Very beautiful woman she was. Um, but that was, and it was, it's funny because the, the, The memories I do have of my mom, I can count on my fingers how many they were, but they were impactful to me.

The good moments that we did have. And I remember as a kid when she did like [00:26:00] me that day, I guess, and she would wear her red lipstick and she would kiss me in the mouth. And so I would always feel good about having lipstick on my mouth that came from my mom. And so I, I do that to my girls. And I didn't realize until maybe a month ago that that was a memory from my childhood that I didn't even know was there.

That just kind of came out of nowhere. And my girls do the exact same thing. Ooh, mommy, you got on lipstick. Kiss me. Kiss me.

Nneka: Yeah. That's so, that's so special. Such a special moment. So, okay. So do you think Like, is there more do you think there could have been more to, you know, wearing the red lipstick. Do you think sometimes we can hide behind?

I mean, when you wear red lipstick, it's a bold statement. It is to me. It says a lot. It speaks to confidence. It speaks to beauty. It speaks to I know where I'm going and who I am. That's what it speaks to. Do you think there was a hidden meaning?

Valencia: I don't know what [00:27:00] it was for them, but I know for me, I have come to, I have an agenda, just like we got other agendas in other communities, I have an agenda. And one of my agendas was to, um, change the trajectory on how women saw makeup in general and particularly lipstick, in particular, a red lip. I know when I was growing up in church, if you wore red, you were Jezebel.

You were a harlot and the truth wasn't in you. You was out to steal somebody's husband. Blonde hair was one too. I used to wear blonde hair back in the day. Um, but yes, you, how dare you wear your red lipstick and you got to hide your kids, hide your husbands? Because if a woman had on a red lipstick, oh surely you're going to hell.

Really? Really. So I said, okay I'm gonna create a lipstick and I'm gonna call it pastor's wife. Of course, of course you would. Because that's the kind of person I am. That's right, of course you would. But beyond that, it's not even like to be shady or nothing. It's freedom. It's freedom. [00:28:00] It's freedom. Get out of that religious doctrine that's not even scripture first of all, but anyway.

Let's get out of that. You can wear a red lip and still be saved, still be sanctified in Holy Ghostville, still love the Lord or whatever. You can wear a purple lip, you can wear a pink lip, you can wear whatever shade you want because that's your prerogative. And I want women to, when they wear my lipstick, and I have been seeing this.

all over the U. S. When we ship our products to women who don't even like lipstick, but they only bought it to support. They wear it almost every day and they feel good about the skin that they're in. I had one girl messaged me who didn't necessarily, um, talk positive to herself, but she'll put on Valencia cosmetics and she's able to speak life into herself.

She's able to look at herself and it just changes your whole life and you don't even need a full face of makeup. Because the product I created is so bold, so vibrant, just like the woman I want wearing it. I want you to know that you're bold, you're vibrant. [00:29:00] I want you to live out loud. I want you to not play it safe.

Don't take a risk on yourself. Show up for yourself. Show up authentically who you are, not who other people want you to be. Love it. So that's why I do what I do. That's good.

Nneka: Yeah. That's good. That's like you said, it's a bold statement. And I guess it for you to embark on such a huge venture and putting out your own cosmetic lines.

The Lord

Valencia: gave me this. I had no idea what I was doing with it. He just yelled at me in my sleep and said, this is the year to get done. And I never wanted to do lipstick. I never wanted to be a business owner in this type of way. And so, um, but he never said what we were doing. It wasn't until my pastor prayed over the line before we launched officially.

And it had a lot to do with a woman's self image, boosting their confidence and self esteem and things like that. It wasn't until. That prayer was prayed when it all began to make sense. And every time I would get back the [00:30:00] testimony, it was a reflection of the prayers that was prayed. So every time I send out products, I'm praying over it before I send it out to wherever it's going.

Because I want women to feel encouraged, inspired, uplifted. I send little note cards of encouragement for them to hold on to so that they would know that they matter. And I care about what they care about. I care about their issues. I care about women's issues. And so that's why I do this now.

Nneka: Okay, that's awesome Do you think also entering into like, you know, we talk about, you know merging You know your faith, which is definitely the priority and then treatment mental health treatment Do you feel like those two things together gave you more vision more clarity more mental clarity to actually pursue?

Your cosmetic line. I know you talked about the church, but how did your treatment? How did that, what role did that play in the clarity that you received?

Valencia: So, in 2023, the Lord arrested me [00:31:00] spiritually. You know, in church we say, the Holy Ghost arrested me. But, for those who don't know what that means, the Lord captured my heart.

And he told me, um, during our New Year's Eve service, I think it was. That he was like, this is the year that you're going to really heal for real. We're going to do the work and heal. And it, and it was so heavy on me because I had carried bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred. I've been carrying so much, so much baggage, so much weight of things, um, because of what people did to me.

What they said, people who didn't apologize for what they said or did. And I was carrying all of that and I was holding them hostage. I didn't understand the value of forgiveness until the Lord really got a hold of me. And I begin to see that it was only hurting me. It wasn't hurting them. They done went on with it.

They don't care. They done went on with their lives and doing what it is that they do. They don't even probably don't even know the capacity to which they hurt me. Some still don't. [00:32:00] Um, but I had to, I had to do it God's way first. I had to be willing because I couldn't do dbt if the Lord didn't capture my heart to say, you need to, you need to heal because I got so much for you to do is so many things, so many people that I need you to reach, but you can't do it carrying all this stuff.

So what does he do? Not only did he send me the resource for dbt, but he gives me a willing heart to submit and yield to it. And something that we do in dbt is called willingness to participate in opposite action. Willingness is. Okay, I'm willing to go to church participate means. Okay, I'm willing to go to church and participate in the worship service.

So that means that I'm going to engage. I'm going to stand during praise and worship. I'm going to lift my hands opposite action means I'm going to continue to participate in the service, which means that this is an example, which means that I'm going to talk to people. I'm going to [00:33:00] whatever allows me to be in fellowship and communion with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

You have to take steps toward that to get all the healing, not just partially, because if you're only just going, if you're just willing and you're just going to church and just sitting there, you're just sitting there, you're not getting the full experience. But if you're saying, okay, I'm willing to go and I'm going to participate.

Okay. So you're getting a little bit more. Your spirit is being fed and God can minister to you better when you do an opposite action. It's like, okay, now I can really engage in the fullness of the service. And so. It's, they both, like I said, they both correlate because without the Holy Spirit healing me on that end, I would not be able to do this because this work is very hard and to have to face yourself and your traumas twice a week and, you know, memories you don't want, like, it's hard to talk about certain things is, is, is not, there's nothing, um, therapeutic or [00:34:00] nice about it.

Um, it's real intensive work. And so, um, I think that. When I decided I'm going to really take my treatment serious and I'm going to do the work, that's when I was able to do the business. I feel like, and I think I said this before, I feel like this is Hunger Games. Every time I graduate from a level of surrender or something, it's like the Lord opens up a portal of other blessings for me to walk through.

And so I'm at another stage in my life where it's like, okay, you got to do this because when you complete this, I got a whole nother thing for you. So this. Between the Holy Spirit helping me and DBT, my level of healing is what unlocked the door of freedom just enough. For me to pursue this business venture because it got very, very difficult and I wanted to quit, but because I had enough strength from holy spirit and I had enough skills I was able [00:35:00] to See it through I was able to be resilient.

Otherwise, I would have gave up because it wasn't

Nneka: easy Yeah, like you said it was an intense program. So how often were you? attending um But how do what do you do when you call that treatment?

Valencia: So there's levels. Okay. And I was talking about the business. I wouldn't have been able to start the business had it not been for this.

Nneka: Right. That's what I did. I want to understand like, yeah, how what was the levels

Valencia: to so I'm in level 2 right now. But so the 1st level is just. Basic entry level therapy is DBT itself is Intake it's just regular like talk there Then as you go along you I think after about six months or so Depending on where you are with your individual therapist you move and the availability of the class you move on to group classes So you'll do your individual therapy One day or in the same day you do your individual therapy and then you do your group classes for me.

It was Split up. So [00:36:00] I had my individual therapy sessions on Wednesday for an hour, and then I had my group therapy sessions for two hours the next day. And so I did six months of that. Some people it's a full year, but because my therapist felt like I was, I was mature enough to use the skills. I had been using the skills.

I've been teaching other people's skills. They felt like they wanted to shift me and focus on level two, which is DBT PE. I don't know exactly what PE stands for, I forget at this time, but it is strategically dealing with the PTSD that I have.

Nneka: Like you said, that level of commitment to it, because like you said, that's, that's a lot of work.

You're a wife, you're a mother of five. And obviously you get the support of your family or else you could not have done with your husband, your loving husband and your church family. Um, how did your church family, as we talk about, I know, you know, um, your church is very near and dear to me. Because, like I said, I think I actually, well not think, but I [00:37:00] actually did a mental health talk there, so it was so nice that your pastor, uh, Pastor Howard, what's the name of the church?

Bethlehem Judah Church. Yeah, Bethlehem Judah Church. When I say, Your pastor Howard and First Lady Howard, they know how to bring the word and they're so relatable. Um, and like I said, he's open to the mental health talk. So, so that's nice. And I think more churches are leaning into, you know, what we need, we need help.

Right. We can only do so much. Yes, we, we, we got the spiritual component and we can do, we can do some counseling. But when it comes to psychoanalysis, you know what? Let's reach out and get some of the professionals in here to help us out, which is good to collaborate in that way. So I'm very thankful and grateful for that.

So, have you had people in the, any, have you had any personal experiences with people, um, [00:38:00] not really supporting you doing dbt and trauma therapy? Well,

Valencia: Not a lot of people. I don't talk to a lot of people on like a deep personal level. What they know about me is what I put online. So if you're subscribed to any of my channels, then you will know about what I'm doing.

Otherwise I do not have conversations. I have a hard time. Um, because church is one of the places where I struggle too, but, um, I have a hard time being vulnerable in more intimate settings. It's nothing for me to get behind a camera and broadcast whatever it is I need to talk about or whatever. Um, it's nothing for me to get in front of a group of strangers and tell my story, but for whatever reason, um, and there's something that we work on in therapy is it, they call it trying to appear flawless.

Because I show up how I show up by come, you know, dress [00:39:00] down, you know, face beat hair done, you know, because I don't want anyone to get to me in a way that I could be seen or I could be vulnerable. Um, and me and my pastor, we joke about this sometimes because whenever I do, um, I call it, uh, acting out because I praise the Lord a little different when to get real good.

I don't. It's not dignified at all. And so my lashes, they coming off and my makeup that I did, all it all goes away. And so he always says like, you're going to give the Lord your lashes. We kind of go back and forth on that. Cause, um, that's kind of a part of the whole worship experience. You gotta be able to be vulnerable.

That's right with God. And um, if you can't do that, you're going to have a really hard time connecting the dots. And so I don't have these conversations with people at my church. There are a couple people that do walk alongside me in my journey and they know when I've had enough, they know when I'm getting fidgety or they know the level of treatment that I'm in.

And so [00:40:00] I'm able to kick it with them, um, on a level. And then some people it's hard to talk to about because. They just don't have the capacity to really, um, understand this from the view or from the lens, um, of my experiences, and I try to avoid any self righteous comments. I try to avoid that as much as possible, um, because everybody's just not there.

And they don't understand the level of work it takes to do this kind of work. Um, and so sometimes, you know, if you've got people that's looking their ways or people who don't want to recognize their own mental health, they might try to make you feel bad for what you're doing. And so I'm just very careful about who I share information with, but I'm always willing to be open to some degree, um, because I want people to understand me better.

I don't want to come off a way you just not know. I speak publicly because I want people to understand, but I have not [00:41:00] necessarily found safety in, I guess, gaining close relationships to everyone, um, in my church or. At least to a level where I would feel comfortable sharing certain things

Nneka: because there's still parts of you, but you said there are parts of you that's still protective of your inner, just still protective.

Absolutely.

Valencia: My PTSD runs rampant in church. It does. It's very, it's very hard for me. Um, it is very challenging. Um, and I, as something actually I've been trying to, trying to overcome is just one of those things where. You know, you just feel like, again, the intrusive thoughts will tell me they just tolerate you.

They only like your husband because he's a deacon and your kids and they don't really like you though because you're too this way and because people don't understand you. And so I deal a lot with that in my head. So the PTSD lies and it tells me this place is not safe for you. You're in danger here.

And it's so. Messed up [00:42:00] because I love church. I love going to church. I love, you know, the worship and I like the Transparency of how we're able to flow like I've been to churches I've been a part of mega churches pretty much all my life and you know There are just certain limitations because we're trying to move on, you know, and just we're not gonna do all that but I feel like You know, BJC is just one of a kind, and you can fall out, cry, you do whatever you need to do.

Just praise the Lord. They're not going to stop you from doing that. However you express, however you express, and that's what I really love about, uh, the ministry. It's just unfortunate that I have not had pleasant experiences with everybody, and so it has caused my PTSD to say, you're not safe here.

You're, they don't, you don't belong here. You're an outcast. Because

Nneka: what, what's And that's, well, let me ask you this before I get to, I'm going to say this, I think what we have to keep in mind, you're bold enough to let people know. I'm not, you're not ashamed of your past. You're [00:43:00] not ashamed of, you know, I'm working towards healing in this area.

Not a lot of people want to share that. So the people that you may be encountering that, Okay. That may or may not be judging. You probably have some things of their own that they need to heal from. So how do now that you're in the dbt program when you have those intrusive thoughts now that you are skilled.

Is it a hit or miss? Do sometimes you work through it and work through those intrusive thoughts? I like to call it an internal bully. It's just like, you know, like, you know, so do you sometimes work through it? And when you work through it, what does that look like? So, no, I don't work

Valencia: through it. You don't work through it.

No. Okay. Thanks for the honesty. But, but that's only because. I did not have the skill set to work through it now, since I only I just started trauma treatment this past Thursday with trauma treatment is a series of things. And 1 of the things that they talk [00:44:00] to you about is called therapy live therapy or exposures where you have to say, just talk about church because again, PTSD will cause you to want to avoid spaces.

Where you feel uncomfortable or, um, and it's not just churches parks, there are other places that I just refuse to go because of abuse or any, you know, whatever traumatic experiences that I had, um, but since we're on the topic of church,

the in vivo exposures are basically like dares. And you know, okay, my therapist will say, here's your homework. I dare you kind of, so she won't say I dare you, but I'm just making it plain. Um, to sit on the side of the church that you never will sit on because it makes you uncomfortable.

Nneka: That's a big one. That's a big, that's a big

Valencia: one. Valencia. It's huge. But the only way for me to come out of it. [00:45:00] is I have to tell anxiety, no, we're doing this regardless of what you're telling me not to do. And I'm probably going to have a panic attack right as I'm doing it or right when I leave. And so in the beginning, it gets very difficult before it gets better, because now you're psyching your brain.

You're tricking PTSD, you're tricking PT, uh, BPD, and you're tricking anxiety telling them that I'm taking control now. And so your brain is like, Oh, how dare you? And so you're more than likely going to go into a panic attack.

Nneka: But I like the, okay, you're challenging it. Yeah,

Valencia: you, you, you have to. And that's the part that's most uncomfortable for me.

Speaking to people who I feel like don't like me or just going out of my way like those kinds of things that make me feel like I'm gonna just die just flatline in like, because that's what my brain tells me like, oh, you are not safe here. You are in total danger and your brain is like, mayday, mayday, but it's like, you have to do it because you're not going to get better.

The whole purpose of this treatment is after the 12, it's like a 12 to 17 week program some longer. [00:46:00] But the ultimate goal is you will not have PTSD anymore. 70 percent of people who have done the treatment program, the DBTPE, do not struggle with PTSD or BPD anymore. Those that do is because they were not willing to do Everything that was required

Nneka: ....and that's so important. You got, once you walk outside of those four walls, it's just like, that's where the work begins. That's where the work begins. You challenge yourself. You're going to be faced with certain things, people crossing boundaries, people, you know, triggering, you know, the triggering things and environment sounds, you know, all those things.

That's when you have to utilize it. You got to put it into play.

Valencia: Yeah. So next week, so this week I didn't have to do it. I had a different homework assignment. I had to listen to art therapy session. I had to play that back and write it how I felt. But next week. I'm going to be challenged in some uncomfortable areas, and I had already told her, like, that, that makes me very, very fearful.

Fear is the number one thing. There's fear [00:47:00] that is severely heightened. And then you go from fear to, like, angry. Everything just kind of fluctuates. There is no real joy in the process, maybe like afterwards, but not during this process. Um, so it definitely gets worse before it gets better. And there will be a time where, um, my close relatives will come on.

Either Zoom or in person so they can know how to help me, uh, support me during this treatment because it's good. Yeah, it's not for the

Nneka: weak. Yeah. How do you feel about that? How do you feel about bringing your, this is just your safe space, right? You know, you're going to your, in your program. That's what you say.

It's your safe space.

Valencia: It is because I feel like they're the only people that understand me. When I went to group, I was very judgy and very guarded, um, by, Probably halfway through, they became like my family. People don't look like me or we don't necessarily believe the same things, but they, they got me, they understood me and they were just like the best part of being in the treatment [00:48:00] program and, um, I'm, I'm very thankful for them.

They're like my family. And so I always felt like these are only people that get it and nobody else does. I feel like I'm on an island by myself and I feel like an imposter almost because I feel like I'm in certain spaces and I can't really authentically be myself. Um, and so that causes me a lot of grief

Nneka: as well.

Yeah, so that's what you're working towards though, right? Yeah. You're working towards being your authentic self and quieting the noise, the intrusive thoughts, um, that tell you different. Mm hmm. Right?

Valencia: It's, it's not, it's not something that I'm 100 percent on board with, I'm not going to lie. Okay. It's not something that I have to do.

And my therapist, you know, she let me know, like. I never want you to feel like you're being forced to do this. We'll continue to see you. It just won't be for this. Yeah. But you'll still have PTSD. And I had to think to myself. Although I would like to not sit here and rehearse traumatic [00:49:00] experiences and have to play them back and just talk about some very difficult things.

It's like, do I want it to control my life? That was the bigger piece. Like, I don't want it to ruin my life anymore. I don't want to hide behind it. I don't want to mask it. I just want to I just want to be free from

Nneka: it. Yeah, and you are definitely headed in the right direction Wow with that being said I know there's so much more we could say And we may have to have you well, I know we'll have to have you back up for a part two But I want people to know how can they reach you on your social media?

Because like you said you you're a mental health advocate So you share and you have your cosmetic valencia cosmetic line. How can people reach you?

Valencia: Um, so my website is Valencia Cosmetics line dot com, and I teach classes. We have product and different services available for the general public. And also my [00:50:00] Facebook is under Valencia L.

Lee. Um, my Instagram is Lady V Enterprises. I think it's just Lady V Enterprises. I don't think there's an underscore anything. So yeah, lady V Enterprises on Instagram, Valencia l Lee on Facebook and my website, uh, valencia cosmetics line.com. I'm also on TikTok. I believe it. Under Lady V 1988. So you can look

Nneka: for me there.

Yeah, we'll put all this wonderful information so that you guys can capture it and follow Valencia Lee. Valencia. Thank you so much for joining us. Joining me. It has been an honor and a pleasure. I don't take lightly you sharing your story to help other people. That's where they can rise above the pain as you are and you will.

Absolutely. Thank you for having me on. You're welcome. Thanks for joining us on today's episode. If you enjoyed the story time, don't forget to subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts

and Google Podcasts. [00:51:00] Leave us a review and share with your friends to help us reach more listeners. Stay tuned for more insightful stories.

Until next time, take care and keep exploring new connections with us.