My 3 Parents Pt 2: Meet The Moms ===
Nneka: [00:00:00] Welcome, welcome, welcome back to the Behind the 90. With Nneka, I often, well, of course, I wanna always explain what the 90 mean. 'cause often people ask me that question, what does the 90% means? And so often what I tell people as a mental health professional, when I have couples and they say, we have communication problems.
And I say, no, communication is not the problem. Communication is symptomatic of something way bigger. So 90%. Of what we go through in life is about our past, and only 10% is about the here and now. So that 90% represents a person's story, and we should all be willing to tap into a person's story before we make judgment.
So welcome. Today's guest. Here's the thing. I have a lot of special guests, but this guest right here. You know, [00:01:00] we have a very special relationship and some people are confused by our relationship. And so the title of this episode is a part two. Our episode two was my three parents growing up in a blended family.
So this is part two because now this is the meeting of the moms. So I am Marcus stepmom and oh, though we never use that word, but for the sake of distinction, I am his stepmom, but the woman responsible for giving him birth is sitting right in front of me and her name is. Millicent. So I am so happy to have her here because the people often wonder like, how do you guys do it?
We see people sometimes scratching their head and amazement because we are really good friends. I mean, she's one of my best friends. So welcome Millicent. Thank
Millicent: you for having me. Hi. Hi.
Nneka: And this is how we [00:02:00] are normally giggly and silly and you know, just all of that good stuff. You know, things that you, when you need people.
In your life, like Millicent. Okay. Thank you. Yes. So tell them how we finally
Millicent: met. Okay. Well, in short, it's funny because with the segment with Marcus and then we talked about it afterward, I was reminded that you reminded me of the first time you crossed paths. And it was, it was at a, like, at a social event, but the first time that.
It's like we crossed paths and you were really on my radar and I realized, oh, this lady is very, very significant. Was it was Marcus's baptism? Mm-hmm. And by then, both of us, you know, his dad and I were both in, you know, we'd moved on, we were in relationships. And I was at the church for the baptism.
And when you, it was, you know, you brought forward and announced as you know, the godmother. I was like, oh, this is, this is a development. And I leaned over to my [00:03:00] significant other and I said to him right then and there, I said, he's gonna ask her to marry him. Because I know him well enough. You know, he's good people.
He's a wonderful person, and there's no way he is, you know, he would not have somebody take on such a significant role in our son's life unless it was a really, really serious and significant development. Mm-Hmm. So that was the first
time that it, you know, that it, it, it really I took note. I was like, oh, wow.
Okay. Wow. Okay. So.
Nneka: Knowing that I would, I was called to be Marcus Godmother. You weren't aware of that, were you not
Millicent: aware of that? No, I was not aware until the, until the baptism. But prior to that, mm-Hmm. I, I was aware that, you know, that he was seeing someone because Marcus you know, would like you know, would, would come to my house and every once and then after a while I noticed I took note of him referring to my Nneka.
He was very young, but he basically, he claimed [00:04:00] you then. He was like my Nneka. It was always my Nneka, my, my like one word. It was like my Nneka, my. And that was his reference for you. So basically he had claimed you, I mean, it was, it was a, you know, for him it was a done deal. It was like, no, my Nneka, that was it.
My Nneka. So you knew something. Yes. But we hadn't met yet. No, not yet. But that was, that was when it, it really started to click for me. I was like, oh, okay. No, this is, this is definitely serious. It's, it's very, very significant. Mm-Hmm. Okay. And then I think it was maybe shortly after that. Mm-Hmm. The other thing that sticks out in my mind was a phone call.
I remember where I was. I remember where I was sitting. I remember when the phone call came and it was just the sweetest, coolest thing ever. Because you called and you're like, hi, my name is Nneka. And I realized that, you know, we really had a chance to talk and you don't really know me. And just, and then you just, and I think you just started talking right away.
I, I might've said hi, but after that you just started talking. I was so, I was so nervous it though, talking. And it was [00:05:00] almost like you just kind of gave me like the quick rundowns, like, you know, hi, I do this for a living and I do this today and I'm from here. I mean, I don't even know what you said, but you're just giving me like the whole, like the resume.
You're just giving me the rundown. Like, you know, hi, here's who I am and here's where I'm coming from, and you know, and I realized you don't know me. And I remember, I didn't mean to, I didn't wanna sound rude, but I, I remember I started laughing. I don't, I didn't mean to, but I just started laughing Right in the middle of your, you know, your, your my, my, your rendition of your resume.
Nneka: As I, you know, partake in this interview that you weren't even
Millicent: prepared for. And I remember I started laughing and I realized, I was like, oh, that's gonna sound really weird. I was like, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I was like, I don't wanna cut you off. It's just that, you know, I, I said, really, I, and I really appreciate you calling.
I really appreciate you telling me all this and sharing this. I said, but really, kind of at the end of the day, the thing that. You know, let me know that you were okay. Is that, you know, Marcus, you know, what would come to me? Like, you know, when it was, you know parenting time, he would be with me and he basically would say, my Nneka, [00:06:00] my Nneka this, my Nneka.
That he would refer to you? Yeah. And that was his reference to you? My Nneka. So I was already at peace and I was okay with, okay. Yeah. You know, there's something, you know, going on here. I mean, because Marcus accepted. You. Yes. And, and that was kind of it for me. Yeah. So really you calling was just like this really cool and considerate thing that I appreciated and I had to kind of laugh also because I'm thinking, you know what, if the shoe was on the other foot, that's probably something I would do.
Yeah. I would call somebody up and I would just, you know, and I would just be talking a blue streak, you know, and just say, you know, Hey, you know, 'cause I wanna, I would. One to, you know, say, Hey, I'm on the up and up. You know, I'm really sincere and genuine about this. So I appre it resonated with me right away.
So I don't wanna say it was overkill, but I was just like, you know what? I'm good. I get it. Yeah. Appreciate that. And after that, it just kind of took off. And those are like the two significant things that I really remember about us first meeting. Yeah. And that was, and it [00:07:00] just
Nneka: took off from there. Yeah. It, it really did.
Like you said, we met at the baptism, and that was like in May, right? Mm-Hmm. So we weren't even engaged. So when Fred asked me to be Marcus's Godmom, I'm like, man, he, he better be asking me to marry him because Marcus is so special. And he's still very special to me. Of course, our oldest son. Yeah. I mean, I didn't give birth to him, but that is my baby.
And so. I'm like, oh man, I hope he asked me to marry him because it would be kinda awkward if we weren't together. And I'm his godmom, right? So come July he did propose marriage and I think he probably had a conversation with Marcus about, you know, proposing to me. But there was no doubt in my mind that we would not, we, I knew we would get along.
Mm-Hmm. Because there was something about your spirit that said to me. That we're like-minded in terms of [00:08:00] wanting peace. Oh, yeah. Wanting unity. Oh yeah. Very like-minded in that way. I. And so it was an automatic for me, like, you know, that we, I knew we would get along and as the years progress, we just worked
Millicent: together.
Absolutely. Yeah. And I, I, I, and the other thing is, at the end of the day, and I've said this before and I've shared this with you, but it took a while 'cause I didn't realize that I hadn't expressed this to you, but I appreciate you so much because you. Came into, you know, your, your, your marriage with, you know, with his dad, and we just kind of became this, you know, this unit just kind of became this very organic, really mellow thing.
Yeah. And I, I, the only thing I can say is that, you know, I. You were such a wonderful fit and a part of just everything that we all had as far as parenting goals. I mean, everybody was, again, you [00:09:00] said like-minded. Everybody had a goal of, you know, at the time he, you know, he was the only child you know, among us to give him the best parenting experience that we could.
And that was my commitment. I. Yeah. You know, in, in parenting. And that's what I really wanted. And I so appreciated that you came in with that same energy, that same mindset, that same ability of like, Hey, you know, we're all gonna work together to make sure we give him the best experience that we could.
And that gave me so much peace. And I just, because the only thing that I, I, I. And I tell people, I so appreciate that we do get along because my nightmare would've, would've been just, oh my gosh, it would've been, would've been very challenging for me, is to be in a situation where you've got the adults or the parents and it was acrimonious or it wasn't harmonious, or there was just, you know, always tension or it wasn't a good working relationship with everybody.
That would be a, I don't know if we can. It would've been HE doubled hot L you know, h double hockey sticks for me, that would be, that's my version of hell basically. [00:10:00] It would've been been, it would've been been awful. And that would be my nightmare. And, and the, and so I appreciate so much that things worked out the way that they did.
So at the end of the day, this is the best. Fit for everybody involved. And, and I appreciate you. I, I appreciate what you brought to the table day one, and the fact that you, you know, you love our son, that you claim him just as much as he claims you that day. Oh my gosh. Like I said, I was, I was good with it.
The minute I heard him say my Nneka, I was like, I, I was, I didn't even know all the rest of it. I was at peace. I said, you know what, you know, because this is resonating for him and he's happy, and that gave me peace and I was okay with it after that. Anything after that was just icing on the cake. Because when
Nneka: you think about it, like divorce can already already be a struggle, right?
I'm, you know, my parents divorced when I was young. My mother didn't necessarily remarry, but my father did. So the. The person that he remarried, she wasn't always nice to us. Right. It wasn't always a nice [00:11:00] situation, and that's not why I was nice to Marcus. I was nice to Marcus because that's just who I am.
Yeah. And he deserves peace, A harmonious environment. So it's just, that's just how I'm wired. Right, right. But the fact that you. There was no jealousy. You are such a fair individual. The fact that he calls me mom and sometimes we're in the same room. We like both. Yeah,
Millicent: yeah. Right. We both, yeah, that's how, but it's actually kind of funny that there are times when, and I, it struck me, it actually, it strikes me as funny.
I find a lot of humor in it. Yeah. Because yeah, he'll say, Hey mom, you'll go. Yeah. Yeah. And then he has to, and then he, he has to take a beat and he is like, he has to figure out, okay, which 1:00 AM I talking to? And he has to point like that one. But I think,
Nneka: does he, I think he, does he call you? Yeah. And he calls me mama.
Oh. So I think sometimes there's a dis Okay. Distinction so that Hey mama. Okay. And I don't know if he call you mom. Okay. I mean, 'cause that's, that's solid, right, mom. Right. Okay. [00:12:00] So I dunno. And I don't, I'm like, okay. Because I know he has to kind of make that distinction. We're in the same room, so type of, I think he kinda learned that, okay, they're in the same room.
I gotta be able to, okay. I
Millicent: get, yeah, I guess speak to who I'm talking to, talking to. But again, I don't like, I, I, I would rather have this than anything else. Oh my gosh, gosh. I find it very amusing and it's very I'm content. I'm, it, I don't know. It's just, it, it gives me peace. And I, I think I told you the story once before and I wanted to share it with the audience, is that, I think because we have a good working relationship among the three of us, but then also particularly between the two of you, I'll remark to people sometimes, you know, because I'm speaking of the fact that Yeah, you know, Marcus, you know, has a, another.
Mom, and again, I'm not inclined to say stepmom either, but again, for the distinction so people understand. Absolutely. And I just say, I always love to tell this story. We put together a birthday party for him and he was in grade school. I don't know if it was middle school or grade school, but it was, it was Mm-Hmm.
You know, he was still young. Mm-Hmm. And. In the middle of the party, you know, both of us are running around, like all the grownups are just running around and arranging [00:13:00] things and getting food out for the kids or whatever. And I remember one of his friends leaned over to him and I overheard him say.
Which one's your mom and cute. He had to explain, he had to go through the explanation and I, my takeaway was I, one, I was amused, and two, that tells me I think that that was maybe the, the coolest thing I had heard in a really long time. 'cause I think it's a testament to the fact that we just have a good working relationship because.
If we're kind of indistinguishable, indistinguishable from one another. Mm-Hmm. I take that as a good sign. Oh yeah. So I, I just, I just, that's one of a lot of really cool stories that I, that just really stands out to me. And I think it's like, you know what? I think that means that, you know, we, we've been giving him a good experience because if.
You know, there doesn't seem to be a huge distinction then I think that that's a po I take that as a positive.
Nneka: Yeah, it's definitely a positive. Like you said, we wouldn't have it any other way. And I think how, and it, it was really a, a blessing because [00:14:00] when it came time to pick ups or volunteering, you know, Marcus had these options and we would, you know, when he was in elementary, middle, high school.
We, we like to, we, it's, it's funny because we could have did it separately sometimes, but we would always wanna do it
Millicent: together. Oh no, no. I actually, that was way more fun for me. It was so much more fun. And, and here's a C. Okay. Anyway, here's the thing, I'm, you're way more outgoing and chatty with people and it's a lot harder for me to have a conversation with people.
So actually, if anything, it helped me. 'cause I was like, okay, great, I can get the volunteering done and she's just gonna run with
Nneka: it and she's gonna, she'll run her mouth like she do. Right?
Millicent: Right. And I'm, and I'm
Nneka: just, you know, so we would have so much. Fun. That's a blast. Doing that, like you said, throughout his, you know, you know, middle, his elementary, middle school, and high school, it was really.
I think we, our bond got even stronger because we wanted to, I think it was nice for him to see that. I think it was just the norm for him. Yes. He didn't know [00:15:00] any different, he didn't know fighting. He didn't know any of that. And like you said, it wasn't in us to do it. But when you think about it, it made me even more purposeful to give him to do things.
Not that I was being, you know. Not genuine, but for him to see certain things being more intentional to do certain things around him so that he, he can be constantly reminded that we got you. Right. This is, you know, this is about you, but it's about us too. Right? Because who, who wants to be in a situation where there's turmoil and fighting?
It's just
Millicent: not, yeah, it's, and it's, I think the unfortunate thing is that it's almost like there's more of a common, I. People are more inclined to accept or maybe expect that there's going to be animosity, you know, a among, you know, the parents or the grownups or in a blended family Yeah. That people aren't going to get along.
So it's almost like it strikes people as more strange. Mm-Hmm. That we do get along right than the expectation or people are more readily accepting. [00:16:00] Of there being animosity or they almost expect that. So I guess the question comes into, you know, how do you do that? Yeah. And all I do is just kind of tell our story and I was just like, I, I, I don't know quite how to define it, but I think it's because.
All of us kind of came into this or move forward. Mm-Hmm. After the end of, of the, of the marriage. We all kind of went into this with again, the same mindset of like, you know, hey, you know, we, we all understand who we are to one another. Mm-Hmm. And the fact that you know everybody, you know, hopefully, you know, if, if you're fortunate, you get to have another significant and wonder relationship with somebody.
And as you get older, the likelihood is really high that, you know, they're probably, you know, you probably do have children from a previous relationship, so. If you are going to. Become a part of a blended family. You know, you're walking into it and accepting and like, you know, listen, this is the way it's going to be.
So I respect and appreciate that you, you know, came into a mindset knowing that, you know, this was going to be a blended family situation. It's. [00:17:00] It, it's, it's, it's unique and it's special and that's what makes you unique and special to this. And there's, you know, so much a factor into the success of our family.
And I think if anything, your presence brought us, kind of nudged us along to a greater level of healing that, you know, might, might've taken longer to get to. Wow. But, and again, because you came in, you know, just, you were very refreshing. You were very just, you know, very upbeat and positive. And again, you came in with this wonderful mindset and I.
I just appreciate, I, I appreciate you and I appreciate what you brought to the table. I appreciate that. And, and, you know, and again, it was just, and it's just a treat that, you know, I, I got to, to make a friend because it's kind of hard to, you know, for me to open up and talk to people on a personal level.
And you just kind of came that way, and that's just who you are as a person. So I appreciate you being who you are. And at the end of the day, I think everybody [00:18:00] ended up. Better than perhaps if it hadn't happened the way that it did. I mean, it, you know, it was, it was, you know, everybody has their challenges when it comes to a divorce.
It is not a happy time, you know, in a person's life. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but at the end of the day, I. We all ended up better. And I'm confident and happy in saying that because you guys are the family that you need to be. You guys are where you need to be and the people in your household are exactly who needs to be there.
Oh my God. And your world needs to be, it. It, it's the way it needs to
Nneka: be. Thank you for those flowers. And then, but I gotta give you flowers and I know this, this is a very mushy we gonna, again, security that you have, I mean. It's one of those things that you see in a person, you see it and it's genuine.
You have so much. You, you're so secure with who you are that you did. I think what really [00:19:00] helped me among a, a lot of things that you were okay with me participating, contributing as his mom. You were okay with. Can I take him to the doctor sometimes? You were okay with that. If you took him. I took. You were okay with, and I remember one time he had something and we went together and you were okay.
And I don't know if you remember this, I won't say it, but you, oh, I know what you're talking about. But you allowed, you allowed me to be there and I think you and Fred both have included me in this parental team, whether it is. Meetings that we all had to have. I'm always included in meetings financial decisions.
You know, Fred will tell me, you guys will tell me his school if he's, you know, had some things in school going on that we had to come together. We came together. Oh yeah. So the fact that you weren't like, no, I don't want Nico to hear that. You always saw [00:20:00] me as part of the parental
Millicent: team. Oh, yeah, always. Not only that, I
Nneka: never
Millicent: felt excluded.
Oh. In fact, it dawned on me. It wasn't till like years later. Along the way, I realize, actually I have more conversations with you about things involving the kids. Yeah. I mean, just, just they, I mean just, it could be, like you said, you know. Volunteer work, you know? Yeah. Hey, you know, it's time for us to, you know, pick up the cookies and, you know, Mm-Hmm.
And, you know, okay, great. Yeah. I'm bringing it or, you know, work together. We're signing up for the volunteer, you know, work. So probably just on the, you know, the, the, the day to day routine things, I probably have more conversations. With you. Yeah. Than you know, but then, you know, then bigger subjects, you know, we all get together.
Mm-Hmm. And we're having a conversation about it. And the one thing that I appreciate was, again, the fact that we were able to maintain con because we had such a good rapport and a good connection with each other, we were able to maintain consistency between the houses. So, for example, you know, everything from, you know, homework or assignments that are due or something's going on.
I mean, we could call each [00:21:00] other up and say, Hey, you know, here's what's going on. It's like, okay, what do you need me to do? Mm-Hmm. Or, okay, you know, we'll. You know, when, you know, when, when Marcus comes to the house, you know, you know, what, what am I doing? I mean, we, we back each other, you know, in terms of, you know, what's your play?
Okay, I'm gonna back you. Yeah, we do. And that's kind of it. And I can't think of a time that we really disagreed. And I think that just kind of comes with the fact that, again, we're, you know, like being like-minded Mm-Hmm. I think that that's extremely helpful for, so for families who are maybe trying to figure out what they wanna do.
And how to do it. You know, the, the grownups I think need to be of like, mind and agree, how are we going to approach this otherwise? And my other big fear was that, you know, I was worried that if things were acrimonious or we did not all get along, or we weren't on the same page, I didn't want you know, him to fall through the cracks because the grownups are busy.
You know, we've got beefy with each other for whatever reason, or we're into, you know, or like, you know, today I'm not talking to so and so because, you know, I'm mad or I'm upset. [00:22:00] It's like, no, I just, I, I just, it's just, it was, it was, that was inconceivable for me. And like I said, that would've been my concept of hell was, you know, to, for, you know, that.
So basically almost every day, any indication, any phone call, everything could be a source of, of stress and anxiety and. Things go go terribly sideways. So I appreciate the fact that we could come together and have conversations, you know, when it came to parenting. Yeah. And, and I appre, and I, and I, I hang, you know, my sense of intimidate hangs on that.
Really, it, it, that made all the difference to me. And after that I'm fine. Yeah. I'm at peace. What do you
Nneka: think? When I think about, you know, I often. You know, you, you encounter situations where blended families don't work and it always, and I know. It's easy for things not to work, right? If you're not being intentional about it.
And if you are, don't if you don't recognize, like, these are the [00:23:00] priorities right here. And I think a lot of people don't identify, and I don't claim to be a perfect person. And so some people may hear a situation and say, oh, you know. It couldn't have been that perfect, but it, it really was perfect for
Millicent: us.
Right. It was pretty seamless. Again, it really was. Everybody walked into this with the same mindset about giving, you know, again, at the time it was, you know, the, you know, it was. The one child, but we wanted to make sure that we gave him the best experience that we could, you know, best parenting experience that we could.
Mm-Hmm. And I think that's where it starts. Yeah. Because, and with, with the type of work that I do is, and not to go too far off the, a field, but what I'd learned from it is, one, you wanna do the, the healing, you know, so before you engage in a, in, in another relationship, relationship. You gotta do the healing.
That's great. So I, so let's not forget that, I mean, so the thing is, I think everybody, I think emotionally spiritual, I mean every, like, you know, mentally, emotionally, we were [00:24:00] all secure with ourselves before you can really become a part of another relationship. True. Because if you have unresolved concerns or issues or maybe something even left over from, you know, the, you know, what was then the relationship that gave rise to the family.
If the parties, if those two people, those parties don't, you know, resolve and reconcile for themselves. Mm-Hmm. Again, has, you know, because here's the thing, you know, if a person, you know, people are married, and one thing I just realized was that. We were married and then there was a time that we weren't dissolving.
A marriage does not resolve any outstanding issues that might have led to, you know, the, the, you know, the, the marriage coming apart or people deciding, Hey, you know, we're gonna go separate ways. It, it, it's, it's, it's a legal proceeding that ends, that dissolves the marriage, but then after that, the people have to do the work.
Yeah. You know, after that it doesn't, it doesn't solve the questions, it doesn't solve the issues that there's acrimony. It has nothing to do with it. It doesn't resolve any of that. So [00:25:00] afterwards you had to be prepared to do the work so that you're in a, in a better place and you're ready to have another relationship.
So I think that by the time. All of these, all of these elements that we all came together and we crossed paths. Mm-Hmm. I think everybody was just in a good place and we were all ready to, you know, continue the, you know, the parenting relationship. And that's kind of, and that's, I think that's where we connected.
So if I had to say anything, you know, to anybody and share that it would. Be, you know, do the work. If you meet somebody and they have children either and or if, or if both of you have children and you're bringing a family together, you have to have a really good conversation and be ready, you know, as an individual to be a part of a relationship with somebody, with children.
And, and, and it's almost, and not to be mean, but it's, and I'm not as eloquent about these things as you, but it's like you have to get over yourself. So, so whatever. Animosity might have, you know, you might have with that other parent, you know, you can still work on those things, but at the same time, you don't want it to interfere with your ability to give [00:26:00] the child or the children the best experience that you can.
Nneka: And I, I, I would, that's very, that's, yeah. That's a very true statement. Everything that you said is so very true. Yeah. Like you said, if you haven't healed yourself, you probably shouldn't be moving into a new another relationship until you've healed because like that 90, that whole 90% that we talk about, if you don't tap into some of the good.
The bad parts of that 90%, it spills over in many areas of your life, and so you gotta be mindful. Sometimes things become so normalized that people don't realize that, you know what? I'm a little dysfunctional in this area, in this area, in this area. And I think when you have loving people around you. If there is, are there, if there are some discrepancies within yourself, I would hope if I'm kind of outta line, if I am, you know, holding on to past traumas or what have you, or you know, I'm demonstrating behaviors that are not conducive to a healthy relationship, [00:27:00] I would hope that someone pulls me aside and says something.
Right. But I don't think in life people. Don't wanna point out, you know, let's say, you know what, you're really not ready to move into a new relationship. Yeah. You can say that to somebody, and at the same time, it's still up to them to decide if they're going to move on into a new relationship, because a lot of times we don't have that.
Self-awareness. We just want the pain to stop. So we wanna rush into something else. But I think it's so important to be mindful after, like you said, divorce can be emotionally traumatizing, right? Because of your hearts are connected and you know, all these things. Just the ending of something, it's a death of something.
Yes. And if you haven't healed from that. You just jump into something because you don't wanna experience pain. Mm-Hmm. You are going to do a lot of
Millicent: damage. I agree. 'cause you haven't resolved, you know, you haven't resolved what's hurting you. And sometimes you're right. Sometimes people would, well, I think my observation can, it can be a number of things.
A [00:28:00] person may decide to jump into another relationship, to somehow prove to themselves, to the world, everything's okay. I'm fine. I get a rush to get to, a rush, to normal, a rush to get back to normal. You discount the work that goes into, you know, healing, the work, healing that goes into whatever it is, that if you're still hurting and, and you have to, you have to be prepared to deal with it to do the work.
Yes, you do. If you don't do the work, you said it is going to spill over into the next relationship and sometimes it's very tempting to just rush. And to see either, whether you're proving it to yourself or you're proving it to your peers or your family, or to the world, whatever. Sometimes people will just rush into it, like, see, everything's fine.
I'm okay. Yeah. And it's not necessarily going to be Okay, so you do the work so that you're ready. Yeah. And you know you're in the best position. And again. For families who are gonna do the, you know, be a blended family. Hopefully the, the, the adults, the grownups have had a conversation, or at least [00:29:00] everybody knows that they're gonna be on the same page.
Because really the priority, you know, will be the kids. You wanna make sure that, that the children are the priority. And again, it's not about you anymore. So whatever it is that led to the dissolution of, of the relationship, it's not a. About you guys anymore, or even if you do take the time and go ahead and take the time to, to heal and do that.
But when it comes to the kids, and this is something that, I mean, even before I, I met you. Very, very early on we were in the middle of, you know, just where everything was really, really raw. And I remember the one thing that started to give me peace was I said, listen, you know, whatever is going on. I don't care if we're, you know, upset with each other, mad or we're not getting or whatever.
I said if there's something going on and we need to have a conversation. About her son. I said, my promise to you. I said, it is up to you if you're, if you want to do it as well, but I'm promising you that if something's going on and we need to talk, I will contact you. I'll call you even if I gotta literally go do a timeout.
I say, listen, whatever it is that you know that, that we're in the middle of, I said, I promise you [00:30:00] to take a time out. I want our safe space. I want our safe opportunity to talk. It's just, you know. Our son, so that if there's something we need to talk about, my promise to you is I'm not gonna keep anything from you.
I will, you know, we're gonna have that conversation. Sure. And I just, I, because I said my fear is that I don't want us, you know, for whatever reason we're not talking and then there's something that you need to know. I wanna make sure that, you know, so the safe place is time out. If we got literally call a timeout and say, listen, I need to talk to you about.
X, Y, Z and that was a promise that I made really early on. And you know, he agreed. And I, I, that is like the first thing that gave me peace. Yeah. And I said, you know what, after that I'm okay with whatever else happens. I'm okay. Yeah. And I don't know if I ever shared this with you, but the other thing that I actually demonstrated, that moment of peace where we could work together regardless of what was going on, was it was literally nine 11.
Mm. And I remember, you know, everybody remembers, you know, everybody can say, I know where I was. I know what I was [00:31:00] doing when nine 11 happened. But the thing that really made a difference to me is that everything was really raw. We're in the middle of everything. And, you know, my world was upside down. And I remember that I had gone to work our son was in daycare.
He was really small. He was really little. He was like, like just past a toddler age. Mm-Hmm. And nine 11 happened. So everything was happening that day, like as it was happening in the moment. And he was at daycare. And I remember that that was maybe the first big test of our ability to work together. So despite everything that was happening in that moment, and it was so raw with us, I remember we were back and forth on the phone coordinating how it is that we were gonna get him from daycare.
And I remember his dad said, look, you know, I don't care which one of us does, whoever can get to him first. I said, you know, let's just. Pick him up and I said, I don't care if he's at my house or your house or whatever. He said, I'll wherever I am. I said, just let me know. And it was just that, that moment of like crunch time, it's like boom.
It came down to it. We're working toge and we, I remember [00:32:00] we were on the phone constantly, just back and forth, all these phone calls to coordinate. Making sure that he was safe. Someone, you know, we were able to get him picked up and get him, you know, safe and at home. Mm-Hmm. And then I remember it just so happened that he was at a daycare that was closer to where my parents were.
So I got on the phone with my family and they worked it out so they were able to pick him up. So he and I were on the phone and I said, okay, listen, they're picking up right now. He said, call me. The minute they get. Yes, yes. And the minute I saw them drive up, I was on the phone. I said, they're here.
They're here, they're here. You know, it was just, it was, you know, it was crunch time. It was, it was a crisis. I mean, everybody was in crisis. But the thing after that, I think if anything, that was another level of. Piece that I got. So regardless of what was going on between us in that moment, the fact that I knew that I could, you know, we could have that kind of transparency and that kind of candor with each other, and to have that conversation to make sure he was okay, well that was that.
And to me it proved, I said, you know what? I think it's gonna be okay. I said, despite anything else that happens, [00:33:00] I think it's gonna be okay. I got so much peace from. Knowing that we could have that conversation and we could talk. So that was one. So if anything, I would say, you know, whatever it is that's going on, you know, the, the parents have got the, the grownups have got to be able to talk.
Yeah. And I've never really, I don't know, I never really, you know, told that many people about that because it was just so raw and so it's a turning, turning point. Yeah. It was, but it was, it was huge. Because even in light of the fact that it was just one of the most disastrous things for, you know, everybody, for everybody, I got so much peace out of that.
And I was okay after that. Yeah, it, it, it really, it helped me to heal, to, helped me to feel a lot better about the fact that we would move on. 'cause I got a lot of peace outta knowing that I could, I could work with this person. We could, we can, you know, we can be parents. And then, you know, you, you came along and, and you just, you added to that.
And if anything, again, you added another layer of, layer of healing, you kind of expedited our ability to heal. Wow. I, I don't dunno quite how to explain it, but, but the
Nneka: thing was like, when I came into the picture. You guys were [00:34:00] doing it very nicely, you know? I think we're, again, we're all mature people.
We still have, you know, we still feel stuff of course, and things be raw, but I feel like, like you said, Marcus was always the, you know, the center.
Millicent: Yeah. He was the priority and he was definitely the priority. Yeah. And that gave me a lot of peace. So, Mm-Hmm. Really all, you know, the center, you know, the focal point, at least for me has always been, you know, as long as he's okay and as long as everybody is making sure that he is having the best experience that we can come up with, I'm
Nneka: okay.
And the fact that. You can, you could recognize, because I think a lot of people don't take advantage of those, those warm moments to heal. Like you took advantage of that, you know, nine 11 and you said, wow. You accepted that that felt right. It felt good that you guys worked together, and a lot of people don't take advantage of those good moments to build on.
And the fact that you could take that moment [00:35:00] and build on that, that made the difference. And so when you think about, I. It was just, okay, now we can, you know, you can keep on, you can take the next step and the next step. You don't have to assume the whole staircase, but that was a step in the right direction.
So, yeah, so like I said, when I came in, I, I, you know, it was peaceful to me. I'm gonna be honest. Had I come into a situation where you was flipping tables, you
not.
Handled the way I, he a. Because like I said, I didn't have my dad around like that. So I always said to myself, you know, whoever I marry at first, I didn't wanna date nobody with kids, let me be honest with you. Right. No, when I was younger, I'm like, I didn't wanna anybody with kids because I wanna be the first one.
Right. You know, all that silliness. So I, I shouldn't say it silly. If every, if someone feels that way, that's how me feel. But that's how I felt. But when I met [00:36:00] Fred. I saw how good he was with Marcus. I mean, he was, he was a good dad. I'm like, wow, I've never seen a black dad like this. No offense to black dads, but I, I didn't have a good experience with, you know, my father was loving, but he wasn't.
You know, he didn't have what I saw in Fred. Okay. He didn't have that. But I love my dad and you just say that. So when I saw that, I'm like, Ooh. So there was like icing on the cake. And then Marcus was, like I said, he was such a sweet kid and such a, he was just so kind and sweet. He was just very kind and sweet and very curious.
So, so what most of, what would you say to a mother. Who has to sh how, how were you able to open yourself up to having me? Was it ever hard for you to accept, accept me in certain capacity? Did you, did you ever [00:37:00] feel like, man, I just wanted to be me and Fred talking about this and not Nneka? Did you ever feel that way?
No.
Millicent: You didn't? No, no. I, tell me the truth. You Sorry. No, Brett, I, I, I, I promise there's nothing else to, it's like, no, I, like I said, I, I was, I, there were just so many, like, just like all the little things just kind of culminated into everything from, again, you know, Marcus was so young, and just the fact he would say, my, Nneka, my, and that, that gave you peace.
That, yeah. That, that gave me. A really strong inclination that, you know what, yeah, this person's on the up and up. Because here's the thing, you can't, you can't fake stuff with a kid. You know, if, if you were holding a pose and you were faking and you were being disingenuous, it, it, it just wouldn't have been that way.
Yeah. So really, I was taking my cue from him and the way that he felt about you, and clearly that was what you were expressing to him. So that was my first inclination. I was like, yeah, okay. Yeah. You know, my Nico, she's okay.
I [00:38:00] answer. No, I just, I just. Didn't only because I just came to enjoy, you know, getting to know you as a person. Mm-Hmm. And then, yeah, it was just, I don't know, it was just pretty seamless. And like I said, at the end of the day, everything. Thing worked out for the better. I believe that everything came together and our lives, our paths crossed the way that it should have, and this is the way that it should be.
This is, this is the better situation, the better scenario for everybody. Yeah, and I've given a lot of thought. I did a lot of soul searching and there are a lot of things I've discovered about myself and I was like, you know what is, and I, and I remember. We were having a conversation about something one day and I, I thought it, but I never realized I'd said it before.
And I think I said something to the effect of, you know, you are better suited, you know, for him than I was because I came to recognize, you know, day to day we worked well together. Mm-Hmm. But. You are the [00:39:00] person that is best suited for him day to day in a relationship and a marriage. And that's not what it was for us.
And we have an excellent working relationship. Mm. I can't think, and I even have said to him is that I can't think of a time that we disagreed on much. Everything from parenting to decisions to school to. Homework's to discipline bedtime. That's, you know, everything was so consistent across the board from house to house inconsistency.
So if anything, really simple things for, for families, blended families, or if there are parents sharing, you know, parenting time and children are, you know, child is at one house and then there are at another parent house, if anything. Consistency for the child. Yeah. Because. If the child is experiencing like different bedtimes or just different things from, you know, either, you know, discipline or, you know, here's your pro homework.
I mean, just, just trying to maintain consistency. Mm-Hmm. So that, again, the child's experience is as consistent as you can make it between the homes. And then the only other thing that I can think of that I would share, and I think maybe part of [00:40:00] why I. Was ready to accept a blended family scenarios because I, and it didn't hit me until later because mm-Hmm.
It was so normal. I am actually, I have a brother Mm-Hmm. From my dad's previous marriage, but growing up, no one ever, ever, ever. Said, that's your half brother. That's your, you know, no one ever said that. That's just my brother. That's it. So I grew up with the concept of that's my brother, and that's the end of it.
And as a kid, I mean, and it wasn't until I was probably a young adult that it occurred to me. I was like, oh, hold on. You know, that it just, because nobody made it all the, the grownups didn't make a big deal out of it. Nobody made a difference. Mm-Hmm. So I think maybe. Unconsciously without knowing that I had already, you know, I had a you know, a predisposition to be accepting.
Of this because of the grownups aren't making a big deal out of it or making a difference, you know, between the kids or the households or whatever, then the children are going to accept, oh, [00:41:00] this is, like you said, this is the norm. This is the way that it is. So the child is not going to necessarily be overly aware of 'cause nobody's making a difference.
That's right. So that made a, again, anyway, so that's, that's my 2 cents on it and maybe that's why I was
Nneka: Mm-Hmm. But like I said, like accepting, yeah, like just we, we were all just very. Like I said, very intentional about just, just being mature, respecting each other's. We, we were just very intentional about that.
But as we fast forward a bit, when I St. Marcus was only child for seven years and I remember, you know, having. You know, Julius and you helping out in my baby shower. And again, those were, you know, things started to progress. You were helping out with the baby shower, you know, me and you were still doing volunteering with, you know, Marcus.
But you know, you were very supportive of Julius. You know, a lot of people think it's, you know, I don't [00:42:00] think everyone thinks it's strange, but when they hear Julius and honor saying Auntie Mill, you know, that kind of thing, you know, my sister loves you, my mom loves you. We, you know, with my sister. You know, you're like her sister.
So we are all just like, have adopted you as our
Millicent: sister. The way I was gonna say, yeah, you, I remember you looked at me one day and you just, you just, you just said, no, it's official. You're adopted, you're, you're, and that's what have you. You're just like another sister. I was like, you're, and you're, and that was the kind of the end of it.
So I appreciate you including me in that capacity because again, and I love that the kids call me, auntie Mill was like, yeah, it's my niece and my nephew and
Nneka: that's, I have another niece and nephew. Yeah. And then Fred is very. You know, when, you know there's some issues we call Auntie Mill. We're gonna call Auntie Auntie Mill about this.
Okay? Okay. And, and I
Millicent: appreciate being in the loop because again, I'm just, I'm just, I'm thrilled for the kids. And again, you know, the emphasis is on the kids. And whatever we can do to give the kids the best experience that we can, I am all for it. That's what we do. Encouraging. And the [00:43:00] thing is, I also realize, I, I think now that, that, you know, all the ev, all the kids are older.
I just feel like, you know, I can just kind of throw a little more of my 2 cents and just like, oh yeah, okay. Young people, you know,
Nneka: well, and they need that. They need that. But when you think about as we kinda wind down a little bit, you know, Marcus, you know, graduates high school and one of the things I remember saying is like, listen, I know our relationship was initiated because we were the moms.
Right, right. I was stepmom, you're a mom and. But after that, I remember saying to you, listen, just because he has graduated high school, you, we have a relationship. That's right. We, this will continue.
Millicent: Yeah. You, you didn't know you were stu I mean, you're really stuck with me now.
Nneka: We stuck. We, we lie first.
Right. So. It was just like, there's no changing, just, you know, before it was, we came together because of that. Right. But now it's because we sisters.
Millicent: Yeah. And, and I [00:44:00] appreciate you accepting me in that capacity. 'cause this might be a whole other conversation because it's like, I, I have a brother, but we didn't have that growing up in the same household experience, like day to day sibling relationships.
Mm-Hmm. So I appreciate that sibling dynamic. So I'm learning something about having that kind of a connection. A person. And I just, I appreciate that and I appreciate you guys giving me a glimpse into that dynamic of, you know, having, you know, a sister sibling. Yeah.
Nneka: And that's, and that's real. I appreciate and I appreciate that.
And that's real and it, it, it feels good and it feels genuine. And what me and Lisa said, call you. Call me. Yes. We calling Neil. So that's, like I said, that's. You know, we are the three amigos when we hang out and do things together.
Millicent: No, and, and, but, and I I, I've, I've had a wonderful time. Your family is wonderful and they are loving and they are just, I I've had so much, I I've had so much fun.
It, it's hard to describe, but it is just, I was like, yeah, yo, you guys are so stuck with me. [00:45:00] But
Nneka: guess what? Guess what? Your mom calls me sometimes. She calls me her daughter-in-Law. Oh,
Millicent: she lost me, my daughter-in-Law. Well, again, it just makes it easier. That's true. And actually that's true. It's so funny because it's like, again, for us, it's not that big a deal and we can, but, and again, and I think it's maybe a testament to the fact that, you know, it's sometimes I think people feel awkward.
Like for example, we, and I, I know we're supposed to be down the story, is that kind of the whole part of like, I would go up to the school or something for like one of the kids. People, their perception. They were so interchangeable to the point that sometimes people have called me, oh, Mrs. So-and-sos like, and I would try, every time I attempted to explain these poor people, I, I think I'm making it better.
'cause I was like, oh no, actually I'm so da da. And by the time I get done explaining, these people look mortified. Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm, you know, I'm thinking, no, I'm not upset, I'm just trying to tell you. And they look like they'd rather jump out of a second story window than take anymore to, because now they're awkward.
I was just like, you know what? I feel bad because they're [00:46:00] awkward. I'm, I think I'm making it better, and apparently I'm not. So I kind of gave up on trying to, to correct people and say, no, no, no, I'm not Mrs. So-and-So no, I'm, you know, I say, no, I'm Marcus's mom. And then all of a sudden, then they get really weirded out and then I try to explain and it's just a hot mess.
So I just, I stopped doing that, so I figured, yeah, hi. I'm right, you know? Yeah. Hi. Yeah. And I just keep going. Yeah. And that's kind of it. So again, I think it's, I, I, I like, I take it as a compliment because if people can't tell the difference, I think that means we can't tell the difference doing something, right?
Yeah.
Nneka: And that's it. And that's it. So if we had to, you know, give a short statement, like for me as a stepmom, I feel like if I had to talk to someone that's going into a blended family, I would say ask yourselves. Some real tough questions before going into that relationship because there may, you know, you are a part of the parental team, you wanna make sure that you know that you are a part of the [00:47:00] parental team.
Everybody does things differently. But I think it's important that you know that the, the stepmom. Make sure that they express, that they wanna be a part of the team, that they want to add to the good experience. You, you have to wanna add to the good experience. You can't be, you gotta be secure in being I.
Stepmom. You gotta be secure in that. You gotta be okay with, you know? 'cause they're like, for instance, sometimes Marcus will tell you something that I'm like, what ain't tell
Millicent: me? Then he, then the same thing happen. Like, you'll tell me. It's like, yeah, such, and it's like, he didn't tell me,
Nneka: but you have to be like, okay, but I think you gotta tell us.
Just because he tell my mama something he ain't gotta tell me. Maybe he'll get around
Millicent: to it. But then it's funny because I, I think, and you touched on it in, you know, in, in Marcus's, you know, his, his [00:48:00] podcast in his segment is that I think because each one of us kind of has our own strength, you know, our, our own strengths that we bring to the table, Uhhuh, that he kind of turns to the person who's like better suited for that.
You know, you're absolutely for the situation in the moment. And I had to kind of, you know, you know, that. Yeah, I, I had to get a cousin down. I was like, you know what? Yeah, but you know what? One of us is better at doing this, and one of us is better at doing this kind of thing. Yeah. And again, my, my, my hope is that, you know, the kids are getting the benefit of the best experience that we can give them.
And I just keep coming back to that. And the other thing too is that really credit has to be given to, you know, that that person, that spouse who, you know, he, you know. Marcus' dad chose you. He said, you know what, this is the person that I wanna be a part of my life. So it really also comes down to the person who really brings all of these people together.
Mm-Hmm. They have to, you know, make a wise decision. They have to say, you know, is this a person who's gonna be a good fit for our family? Yeah. And yeah. And so [00:49:00] it also comes down to that. So it's not just. Us putting in the effort. Mm-Hmm. But it really started with, you know, you guys crossed paths. Mm-Hmm.
And, you know, you know, he asked, you accepted, he chose you, you guys chose each other, and you walked into this, you know, with a goal of making
Nneka: it work. And, and that's, that's the goal as a stepmom. I didn't see myself as a stepmom. I saw, and that makes the difference you not to see yourself as a stepmom because the whole stepmom doesn't have the, a good reputation.
Right. So I didn't see myself as a stepmom. I saw myself as a mom. Right, right, right. So I think you have to go in with that mindset that this is your child. Yes, you are gonna love him. Her, you're gonna parent, you're going to, they're gonna see some good parts of you and some bad parts of you. You're gonna apologize when you get make, get it wrong.
You gotta make sure you don't, you know when other kids come to the 'cause, you gotta make sure you don't show favoritism. So you gotta be so intentional. 'cause it could have very well been okay. [00:50:00] He is gonna have this baby and. How is she gonna treat American? Not that you thought that, but again, that, that could be, you gotta make sure that this child is being treated fairly.
Right. All across the board. Right. Right. So I think that's what's so key. Yeah. So, but as a mom, what advice, if you can give us like 40 seconds of what kind of advice, that's a long time, what advice would you give? Someone who's the former wife in. Having to share, share your son with another woman, basically, what advice would you give?
Millicent: I I, if, if you're fortunate, you get to be friends because it's a working relationship. And the thing is you have to think about, okay, if this person is gonna be a part of our lives, it depends on how, like whether the kids are, you know, 16 and a half and you know, legally, you know, they're, the kids are gonna be 18 years old.
I mean, the thing is you guys are gonna [00:51:00] be living. With each other for a really, really long time reality. And you had to, yeah, and you had to make a decision for yourself, whether or not, if you wanna spend that time with things being acrimonious, if you wanted to be drama, if you always want it to be a source of tension or anxiety, or if you want peace, that is your decision.
And that is on nobody else but you. Because really it takes two to tango, say for example, for what? Heaven forbid, you know, one. Person, you know, in, in this equation. Mm-Hmm. Doesn't want that. But it takes both people to, um, to engage. So, you know, if, if, if you're fortunate, you get to be friends, but you have to be prepared.
'cause again, it's the end of the relationship. It's like, what else are you gonna do? Fight all the time. Again, it's even with, you know, the other, the other parent, you have to make a decision about whether or not if you want peace and you wanna move forward and do the healing, which means you gotta do the work.
Mm-Hmm. And that's on you. So, I'm not saying it to be mean, but you really have to do the work and you make a decision about if you really want peace or [00:52:00] if you're gonna be okay for the next several years until those kids are, you know, 18, 21, 25, and every big event. Yeah. If you want peace or if you really want to, you know, kind of get over yourself.
Do the work. Yeah. 'cause it also helps that person
Nneka: move on. You do have to determine the social experience, social and emotional experience you want. That child to have and the the experience that you want. Like you said, Millicent, the peace is priceless. Absolutely. When you think about how can I maintain the peace in these relationships, there has to be a level of respect.
There has to be a level of intention. And I think that has to be ongoing. And it's not hard if you, if you, if that's what you practice. It's really not hard if you, and communicate, just communicate. So, you know, sometimes there's some difficult conversations to
Millicent: have and you're really good at broaching that, like for me, [00:53:00] I'm more.
Avoiding like a tough subject. So it takes a really, you know, you have to really, really nudge me and kind of corner me to get me to talk about a, you know, more challenging subject. But I appreciate that again, you bring that to the table. You really facilitated, again, a lot of healing, a lot of talking, a lot of openness and a willingness to talk.
And you know, I think we've all been pretty good at creating a safe space so that we can talk. About stuff. 'cause again, you know, if, if, if, if the grownups aren't talking, then the kids suffer. So it, it's not about, you know, beefing with this other person 'cause I'm mad at you about whatever. It, it's, it's a matter of, you know, making the kids the priority.
Yeah. And everybody making a commitment to do that. Even if you explicitly say that. And sometimes it takes that it, and if you can do that, then I think lots of family, I think. I think folks, I think people are gonna be okay. I
Nneka: really do too. I do. I believe that. And so I hope for our listeners out there that you receive some golden nuggets from my [00:54:00] conversation with Milli mom one.
Right. And I'm mom too. Yep.
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