Groomed For Marriage - Always a Bridesmaid, never the Bride ===

Nneka: [00:00:00] Welcome to behind the 90 with Nika. This is episode five and you are in for a very special treat. Today's episode is called groomed for marriage. Always a bridesmaid. Never the bride. And before we get into that a little more, I want to explain behind the 90 with Nika.

90 percent of what we go through in life is about our past. And only 10 percent is about the here and now. And so that's why I established these podcasts to really tap into a person's story. Because so often we just hang out in the surface area and hanging out in the surface area serves no one. We need to get to the story.

Sometimes the story is good. Sometimes the story is not so good. But it all explains who we are. Today's guest is a very, very [00:01:00] special guest. I have known her for 31 years and I won't get into how I met her. I'm going to let her do that, but we have gone through.

Some highs and lows, more highs than lows, but through it all, we have remained constant. She is one of my very best friends and I love her so dearly and I am so happy to introduce her. Her name is Rachel. Welcome, Rachel. I'm so happy to have you here. Thank you so much for joining Behind the 90 with Nika.

I'm so excited to have you here. How are you? I

Rachel: am blessed. Nika, highly favored. Thank you so much for extending an invitation to me, to your podcast. I'm so very proud of you. And I can't wait to see how. How this podcast just continues to grow and grow. [00:02:00] So just thank you. Thank you so much, but I am doing quite

Nneka: well.

Yes. I don't take for granted when people take time out of their busy schedules to join me on my podcast. And so I thank you because I know you're a pretty busy woman. So I really appreciate, and I feel honored that you would join me. So Rachel , tell the audience. How we met 31 years ago.

So

Rachel: I remember it, the story, just like yesterday, like it just happened to be honest with you. So I was dating a young man One of your best friends from high school, and I remember him telling me about his best friend, Anika, and he was like, you got to meet her.

You got to meet her. You're going to love her. You guys are going to click. You guys got a lot in common. And so it was believe it or not. Nika, you may not remember this, but I remember it was around Valentine's day [00:03:00] and we were going to eat. We were going to Olive Garden. Now this is, you know, back in the day, like we say, 93, right?

Was that 93? We've known each other since we were 21 years old. So he picked me up and he said, I got a surprise for you before we go to dinner. I said, okay. He said, so just sit back, relax, but you're going to love this surprise. And we pulled up on your street and I'm wondering like, Hmm, who else are we going over?

You know? So we get out the car and I'm like, Okay, so who house? He said, you'll see, you'll see. And so I don't know if you guys had had, if he had told you in advance that he was ringing me by or had announced it. But when you opened the door you guys hugged and he said, Rachel, this is my best friend, Nika, Nika, this is Rachel.

And I just remember. You standing there [00:04:00] just smiling. I remember you was there. Mom Davis, your mom was there. Your sister Felicia was there. I remember, I believe I met Shelly too. I believe Shelly was there. But I just remember meeting you all and how warm, inviting and welcoming you all were to me.

And we were just smiling. I was happy to finally meet you. So met you through him.

Nneka: Yes. And. You know, it's, and I think, well, I thought I think, I know it was definitely meant for us to meet each other. When he brought you over, you were really like sunshine. When I looked at you, you, one, you're so beautiful inside out.

And I literally said, man, she It felt like sunshine. It's just you, it was just your personality. Everything was just so genuine and pure about you. So it was, I was honored to meet you. You know, that relationship, you know, didn't, I mean, I know you guys are still friends and cordial with each other.

That relationship didn't [00:05:00] develop into anything, but we remain constant, right? We remain constant in our friendship. So that was. Very special for us to continue on in our friendship. So he was the vessel for us to meet. And here we are today. Like I said, we have experienced some highs and lows, mostly highs.

And I'm again, I'm honored to have you here. We won't get into, I guess we can get into a little bit. You know, when you think about the meeting in your 20s, you got your 20s, you got your 30s, you got your 40s, and you got your 50s. But I'm proud of my age, to be honest with you.

I'm really proud of my age. But when you think about some of the things that we did growing up, if you could share one fond memory about us just spending time together in our 20s. Can you share one fond memory?

Rachel: I can. I also want to say I'm, I'm proud of my age too. Since you [00:06:00] are four months older than me, you know, I never let you let you down.

So when you turn, you know, the age that you're going to turn, I always say, It's you, not me, because I still got four more months, but if I can share one fond memory of us, man, like you said, we went through our early twenties together, all of our twenties, thirties, forties, and now at the age of, you know, our early fifties, we were, man, we were like two peas in a pod.

We were always hanging, like you would come over to my house. I will go over to your house. I think some of my fondest memories with everything that, you know, we've done and hanging out some of my fondest memories, believe it or not. Nika is at the kitchen at my mom's kitchen table, sitting there. At the kitchen table while she was cooking my dad's lunch for the next day as he, you know, worked at General Motors and just the [00:07:00] conversations that we had together and share with my mother.

Those are the most. Special memories and fond memories for me. Now we've traveled together. Obviously we've been through, you know your marriage, your birth bridal showers, baby showers, just some of everything. But when I, if I really look back at it, some of my fondest memories, it's not us just out and about or trips that we've gone on.

But. It's simple for me sitting at the kitchen table in my mom's kitchen having conversation and watching her and her giving us wisdom, pouring into us as young women. Those are my fondest memories.

Nneka: Yeah. And I, and you know what, I guess I would echo that because your mother was, it was, it wasn't even like she was trying to, it was just her.

Her, the way she [00:08:00] moved, the way she took care of your home, the way she took care of your dad, it was, I would sit down like at that table, that round table, and just be in awe of your mom and how she would effortlessly care for your father, care for the family. You know, unfortunately I didn't grow up. In a two parent household, well, until I was 10 years old but I didn't grow up with a two parent household.

So I didn't get that experience of seeing, you know, a husband and a wife, you know interact and grow and Just be a partnership and I didn't get a chance to see that partnership. Now, I won't say that I feel like, do I feel like sometimes I missed out on that? I do, but I feel like my mother still provided such a stable and loving environment that I didn't feel like I had missed out too much.

But sometimes I remember when father of the bride would come on, I would always get [00:09:00] sad looking at that because I'm like, man, I'll, you know, I didn't, I didn't have that. Feeling of, you know, you know, leaving my dad. So this brings us to our topic. When you, let me, let me go back just a little bit. So I definitely agree with you in regards to that fond memory.

And I remember your mom's message when she was, when she was being intentional, she was always intentional, but when she was intentional about giving, sharing. A message with us. I remember her saying to me do not start something you can't finish. So I would see her making food for your dad. And I think she would do it all the time.

But she said, do not start something you can't finish. Do not be on the phone yakking on the phone. When your husband comes in the house, I remember those. And I, now I get off the phone with, you know, because you can, you want to greet your husband. And so I remember those two things. He would be making your father pork chop sandwiches and stuff like that.

I may not be making pork chop sandwiches, [00:10:00] but I do make look, but Rachel, I make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Cause that's what Freya likes. Right. So those are the things. I would share that fond memory with you. So that brings us to our topic, Rachel. And why did we pick this topic? Groom for marriage, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Why did we choose that?

Rachel: Oh man, great question. We chose that topic because that's, that's primarily been part of my life, not all of it, right. But part of my life. So you, you led to it a little bit. I grew up in a two parent household. You know, my mom and dad got rest my mom. So they were married for 57 years.

That's a long time. 57 years. Think about that. And I grew up and, and I don't say that in a braggadocious way or anything like that. But I come from a [00:11:00] family of long marriages. So starting with my parents. And then if I look at my extended family, so, you know, my, dad's brothers my mom's brothers, their siblings, they were all married and they had longevity in marriage and then marriages and their marriages.

And then if I pan out a little bit And I look at my friends, my girlfriends growing up. Now I'm going back to when I was a little girl, right? Like toddler, toddler. And the girlfriends that I befriended, that I hung out with in elementary school and middle and high school, all my girlfriends came from two parent households.

That's all I've known. Right? The ones that I was allowed to spend the night over their homes, you know, there was a mom and dad in the, in the home and [00:12:00] not that I would not be friends with someone that came from a single, single household, but that's, that just wasn't what I was used to seeing.

That's how it turned out for me. So when you think about that, that's kind of, and you and I, you know, over the years, of course, we, we, we've talked about this, you know, just extensively. So when you come from that type of background and that's all, you know naturally you think, at least for me. I thought this is what you do.

You grow up, you know, you get, you get married, you have a family, you live happily ever after. Picket fence, dog, and the whole nine

Nneka: yards. Yeah. What a blessing to be exposed to that. And you're right. It's almost like You've, did you feel like it was like a rite of passage? It's just like, this is what I'm seeing.

This is what I'm exposed to. This is [00:13:00] my norm. I see, you know, a husband and a wife together in holy matrimony and they're in partnership, you know? So I'm sure you never thought that, you always thought that that would be your story too. And it will be your story. But that was the thing you thought, this will be my story.

It was never. Ever a doubt in your mind that this would not be your story because you were groomed for marriage based, whether it was implicit or explicit, you know, you were groomed for marriage. You saw how the conflict resolution you saw them partnering together to make decisions. So you saw that you saw how your, your parents catered to each other and how did it.

How did it feel to see that kind of partnership? I know when you're younger, you may not kind of, you may not appreciate it as much as you appreciate it now. So if you can speak to how much you appreciate as you think about it now, how much [00:14:00] you appreciate it, that you and that partnership between your mom and your dad, can you speak to

Rachel: that?

Oh, oh, absolutely. My goodness. I saw when I, when I, At, at the age I'm at now, so at the age of 52, when you look back, I so appreciate it, I appreciate the generation I was born into. I always say, I think my generation is one of the best generations. Shout out to Gen X. But I appreciated how they work together as a team, my parents, and I spoke. I spoke with both of them and then I spoke with them separately, just kind of over the years, just talking, what's the secret to, you know, how long you've been married, you know, just asking those questions. Right. And I remember and how my parents just worked together.

My mom and dad said that early on in their marriage, they defined their roles early on and what kept them married was not trying to Go [00:15:00] into the other person's role, take over the role. My mom was a stay at home mom. My dad worked, he worked at General Motors for 50 years. He worked in a plant atmosphere.

My parents got married, you know, at 18. And so my mom said very early on, they, they defined their roles. Like your dad wanted to be the provider and for the family, he wanted me to, you know, be home and, you know, raise. Me and my sister, I have a younger sister, we're three years apart and they had a true partnership.

My mom pretty much took care of everything in the house and everything outside the house. My dad took care of, they were very traditional in their marriage, to be quite honest with you. I remember. How my mom, I just share with you that my, my dad worked at General Motors, so he worked different, different shifts, right?

And my mom, every single day, no matter what time my father [00:16:00] had to be at work, she would get up with him and make him a hot breakfast. So that was eggs, bacon, sausage, coffee, toast, whatever, grits, whatever. And she would sit with him at the table. She wouldn't eat, but she would have a cup of coffee. And they were talking, she would see him off.

Now, the night before, or sometimes even early that day, very early, she would make his lunch, and we talked about that, sitting at the round kitchen table. The night before, she wouldn't do, and nothing's wrong with this, but she wouldn't do a bologna sandwich or a ham sandwich. She did fried pork chops. You know, a side or two with that.

And she knew what time he took his break. So she got a little snack for him. And then when he came home from work, dinner was ready. We always ate as a family, right? We had our seats. Don't nobody sit in daddy. Everybody got their assigned seat. And nobody ever sat in my dad's seat. Don't nobody get the big, big piece of chicken.

The big piece of chicken is for [00:17:00] dad. And my mom served him. She made his plate. And I'm like, why is she? I'm saying to myself, his hands ain't broke. Why she got to make this plate? And we got to fix our own. She not making our plate. I never said it out loud, but it My, my thoughts, my mind.

Nneka: Yeah, as a young person.

Rachel: Yes. I remember asking, asking my mom one day, Mama, why do you, why do you make daddy plate and serve him? And why is it okay for us to sometimes eat on paper plate? But he never, my dad never ate on a paper plate, paper cup, paper fork, spoon. And she said, listen. As hard as your daddy work, all these different shifts that he work, the least I can do is after he's been on his feet all day is fix his plate, serve him, [00:18:00] put it on the table set out whatever drink, you know, he wants water or juice or soda or whatever, a beer, whatever it is and call him to the table with a hot meal.

That's the least I can, that's the least I can do. That's beautiful. Yes, and to this day, God rest my mom's soul, she's no longer with us, but when I go, when I go back home to Michigan, cause you know, I'm in Atlanta last 14 years, but when I go back home to Michigan and I cook for my dad, I serve my father and not on paper plate.

Or, you know, trying to, you know, you know, it's still just plates. I, and he said, I can't eat on a paper plate or, you know, and I said, Oh no, Oh no. I said, no, mommy told me and, and Rita, don't we, we are to never serve you on a paper plate. He said what he had no idea. My mother even told us that,

Nneka: but you know, [00:19:00] what was, what was, and then I want to just interrupt you there for a minute because when I came, when you do come home, I, I saw you in action and I just had to say this.

I just had, I was so impressed. But how you have just stepped in there when you come home, how you take care of your dad, it was sitting at that round table, that round table, the great thing, a lot of great things have come from that round table and in that kitchen. And when I saw you, I was in amazement how you.

Just kind of stepped in there and how you, when you come home, you take care of your dad. He is your priority and your mother would be so incredibly proud of you. I know she's proud of you. Oh,

Rachel: that touched me. so much for saying that.

Nneka: I didn't

Rachel: even know. I just, from watching, I watched my mom just over the years, how she just took care of not only [00:20:00] my dad, she took care of me and my sister.

She took care of, you know, my mother, since she was a stay at home mom, she kept all my aunts and uncles, they worked. My mother kept all of their children. You know, when, before the kids go to elementary school, my mom has kept every one of my cousins. On my dad's side, because his family all lived in, in Detroit, in Michigan.

And so my mother has always been just a natural caregiver. That, that, that's just who she was. She loved to cook. She loved to bake. She loved her family. She loved taking care of her family. And I guess what I appreciate. Now, looking at it, I'm very much my mother's daughter because I did not know that she was teaching me.

She, it's [00:21:00] not like she said, okay, this is what you got to do. I learned from watching her. And I thought in my, even at a young age, this is what you do. This is just what it is. You grow up, you get married, you have kids and not, not that you, you're a stay at home mom. I'm talking about how you take care of the family.

My mother served with love and she never. Complained about it, like ever.

Nneka: Yeah. So you really had a great example. Like you said, there was a grooming, whether it was intentional or unintentional. The messages, the behavior, you know, her actions really set the tone for you to be married and to. Be a helpmate to someone, right?

As you will be. So we then kind of we've explored and kind of gave some, shed [00:22:00] some light on what you were taught. What, like I said, whether it was intentional or unintentional. So, you know, you're, you're 52, you're not married right now. You said always the bridesmaids. A bridesmaid, but never the bride. So have you been in a lot of relationships?

You know, longterm relationship. Can you share a little bit about your dating history?

Rachel: Sure. So I wouldn't say a lot, right. I have been involved in relationships over, over the years. I am a one woman type of I'm a one person at a time type of woman. I never dated multiple men, not that anything's wrong with that.

That's that just hasn't been me. The relationships I've been in, you know, over the years, you know, [00:23:00] going back to, you know, college and. I don't really count high school because you know, that's just kind of puppy love, but I do count my college time because I dated one person pretty much all through school and then after school.

So I think we dated for about 7 years. So that was a long relationship for me. And then post college, right? I was involved in relationships, but they've always been long term. Relationships. So what I classify as a ton or a lot, I've, I've had my, you know, share, but I wouldn't say a ton only because I, the relationships I will, I was a part, I was part of they were pretty lengthy in time.

So when you and I were talking and you invited me to the podcast and we were talking about, we What we would discuss that's, you know, kind of near and dear to, you know, my heart and kind of just what we've discussed over the years. Over [00:24:00] over the years that we, we've been talking was I've always, when I looked at it last night and I, I started thinking, man, how many weddings have I been in?

I've been in nine weddings, nine and a bridesmaid, either a bridesmaid or a maid of honor, pretty much everything. Right? So if you look at going back to our title, Grown for marriage, whether you, whether I knew it or not, right? Because that's what I was accustomed to seeing. And I look at where I, where I am currently and presently in my life at 52, you would assume one would assume and think.

That yes, this is going to happen. It would have happened well before 52. You could not have told me that I would reach the young age of 52 and never been [00:25:00] married or have children or have a family. Right.

Nneka: Right.

Rachel: Never. So I thought when I went away to school that, hey, I'll find my husband in college, we'll graduate, maybe work a couple years, get married, have children and live happily ever after.

So pretty much whatever goal, and I'm a goal setter, right? So whatever goal I set for myself, you know, career wise, education wise, Whatever it is, check, check, check,

Nneka: done, right? Check those boxes, right? Check those

Rachel: boxes, check. Wanted to graduate, go to school, graduate in four years and not go to summer school.

Check wanted to go get my MBA. Check, you know, wanted to work in corporate America, kind of climb that corporate ladder. You [00:26:00] know, check. Want to get married, have a family. Box still unchecked, right? So I would have thought given what I was accustomed to and, and, and grew up in the environment that of course it would be easy for me to do, you know.

Nneka: Okay. So what do you think, again, you don't necessarily have to go in great detail, but what do you think some of the, your dating challenges have been then and now? Are you dating now?

Rachel: I'm open to dating. I'm not presently or currently dating anyone, but I'm open to dating.

Nneka: Okay. So we can go back to that question.

What would you say some of the dating challenges have been Because a lot of times when we date people, we get to see who we are in a dating relationship, because you date to kind of get a sense of who's the right fit for you. Courting, dating, be nice [00:27:00] if people court it still. I think that's such the, it would be, it would be nice if we did.

It's because this is, you're dating with a purpose. And so what would you say some of the challenges have been?

Rachel: So I'll I'll speak current state, right? So I'll speak currently and then kind of go back. I think currently I'm dating with purpose. So dating with intentionality and purpose. And my purpose is to be married to my purpose partner, period.

I'm not dating to be a girlfriend. I'm too old for a boyfriend. I'm a grown woman. I'm 52. I don't want a girlfriend title. The next title for me, fiance, wife. Okay. If that's God's will for me, let me say that. Cause that's really important. Okay. [00:28:00] So some of the challenges is Finding someone or meeting, I should say, meeting someone that have that mindset.

Now, does that mean that you're going to, you know, meet someone and you just say, you just blast that on the first date. But when, you know, as you're having conversations. With said person that you're dating that needs to be, you, you, you want to make sure that that's communicated early on so that I'm not wasting his time.

If that's not what his ultimate goal is, and then my time isn't wasted. I don't, the one thing that I really, really truly value is time. My time is too valuable and precious to waste. So if I know this person, he doesn't want to get married, be married. He doesn't see marriage in his future. I'm fine with that, but I'm not going to date you because that, that, [00:29:00] that's, that goes against what my purpose and my desire is.

So we can still be cool, but I just know that you're not my person.

Nneka: Mm hmm. So if you can just speak to, like I said, not going into great detail would have been if there was one thing that you could say that in your dating relationships that you weren't aligned with the other person, what would that one thing be that was not in alignment and you couldn't go the distance with that person?

Rachel: Wow, that's a great question. I would say being truthful with yourself and what it is you desire and you want. So I think in my dating history, we look good on paper, right? So you can look good on paper, but when it's time to really. Put into action what your desires and goals are. I've [00:30:00] been told, and this is not from one person is from many.

I I can be intimidating. Okay. I don't know. And I say, Hmm, that's interesting. What do you mean by intimidating? And what I've been told was a few things. I am very direct. I know what I want. I can be very what's the word that I'm looking for? I don't want to say, I wouldn't say an alpha female.

I hate these like terms, right? I wouldn't say an alpha female, but I know that I'm not a pushover. I stand up for myself. I call a thing a thing. My tongue, if I'm being truthful and honest, has gotten me in [00:31:00] trouble over a period of time. But I just know, so I've had to learn how to season my tongue.

If that makes

Nneka: sense. No, can you, can you explain that a little more? I'm very curious about that. When you say you got to season your tongue, what does that mean? I have to

Rachel: watch. My words, how I say them and then the tone in which I say them so that I'm not coming across cutting, cutting. And so I gotta, I gotta say this, the word says a wise woman have the ability to build her home or tear her home down with her tongue.

So. I have been, and I can be honest and own this, I, my [00:32:00] tongue, and you and I have talked about this, can tear down. Okay. And it's not. I don't do it on purpose. I don't do it intentionally. It is. I just believe in, I don't believe in sugarcoating. I'm just direct and there's a way to still be honest and direct and speak your truth, but there's a way to say it and there's a tone you should use when speaking to not just a man, your man, but anybody.

That's right. Anybody. And I've had to learn that.

Nneka: And that's good that a person that is self aware, because again, it's through our interactions with each other that we come to learn things about ourselves. And so you can't really know that unless you interact with someone and someone says, Hey, You need to watch your tongue.

Right. [00:33:00] And the fact that you're receptive, you know, a lot of people aren't receptive to correction and direction. And I can honestly say, I know firsthand from you, you are, you are open to receiving. Now you got to come to Rachel. Correct. You can't be talking crazy, but you are definitely the person who's open to feedback.

So I think that's, that's really nice that You're, you're, you're aware of that because you can't change what you don't acknowledge. So the fact that you acknowledge that, you know what, my tongue was a little sharp. And so I got to, got to change that. We can't keep operating in that way because it's not going to get you where you want to be.

So it's good that you recognize that. But when you think appreciate that honesty. So when you think about, The men you were dating, what were you, what were some of the, so you, you know, you kind of exposed yourself. What do you think some of the things that you saw in them was there was some of the things kind of, you know, kind of similar in nature [00:34:00] in terms of what you saw in them that you decided, Hmm, this is not the person for me.

Is there one thing that was kind of parallel and some of the gentlemen that you dated?

Rachel: I would say not. I'm not being equally yoked on the, on the same level at the same time. I think everything happens in due season and in due time. So one, I am I'm not a complacent person. I'm a go getter. I said earlier, I'm a goal setter.

I set goals. And I work to accomplish my goals. So I'm a driven person. And if somebody is not driven like me or or how do I want to say this? Not driven like me, not a goal setter. Lots of days ago. kind of complacent that doesn't align with me or [00:35:00] who I am. Right. So that, that's one thing I think dating for me, dating potential and not looking at.

Looking at the potential of a person, but not really accepting who they are, current state, and if that aligns with my desired outcome. Okay.

Nneka: Okay. And that takes a great deal of maturity to, yeah. And so when you think about just, and I think you're not alone in. And I'm sure there are a lot of men out there and women who are marriage materials.

Just like, how do you meet those people? Like you want to be married. You feel like I know you have a lot to offer, you know, a husband. And so when you think about what you learn from your [00:36:00] mom and your dad, they made it where I would think where you want it to be married. Like, this is This is pretty cool, right?

The fact that you want to be married because some people can be in a two parent household and the parents aren't getting along. And you say, you know, I don't want any parts of that, but your parents provided an environment where you felt like, Hmm, I, you know, I'm, I'm open to that. So that's, so that's good.

So are you, so you do want to be married, correct? I have a

Rachel: desire. I do. I haven't, I have not given up hope on that. Correct. Yeah.

Nneka: Remember, I think, I mean, you've talked about in the past, like, you know, back in the day, you know, we didn't have online dating, we didn't have social media, we didn't have all those things.

But back in the day when our parents, or even, even before them, you know, there was [00:37:00] always those connections, you know, so and so knows This person, let's introduce them. You know, you have arranged marriages. You have all these ways for people to come together. And wouldn't it be nice if we had that today when people go on like a referral system, you know, I wish I had some single male friends, but we don't often.

Try to bring people together. And I think, I mean, you've talked about that quite a bit. Like, wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a society where people that wanted to be married and we would make those connections and referrals or however you, for lack of a better term, that would be. Wonderful, but people are so afraid to make those connections and make a mistake.

And I think that's why some people are reluctant to do it. But wouldn't that be nice? I know me and you've talked about that quite a bit. You want to expound on that a little bit? That

Rachel: would be awesome. [00:38:00] I just think people get into, you know, they meet their person and, you know, life start happening.

Right. Life is always lifing. And they, they get caught up in their marriage, they start having kids. And sometimes I think in our friends circles, we don't. We're not intentional with saying, you know what? Well, I know this person. I know my person, my friend has a desire to be married. Let me see, you know, within, you know, who I may know, right?

That single that's also looking for the same thing. Maybe I can connect them and that's on both sides. That's men and women. You know, we have online dating, which you and I've talked about. I've tried. It's not for me. And you got to be honest, honest about that. You're right. I tried it twice. Each time for 90 days, it's not me.

I don't want to do it. I don't have a desire to do it. I'm kind of old fashioned. [00:39:00] Boy meet girl, girl meet boy. Out somewhere, I don't know where that would be. The grocery store, the fruit department, the poultry department. At Home Depot or Lowe's. At a fundraiser. I just want to meet someone organically and not online.

Online is not for me. There's too many people lying online. They're not being truthful. They're catfishing. They're lying. You

Nneka: said they're lying online. They're lying

Rachel: online. I didn't chuckle. They're lying online. And everybody, but it's a, it's a majority of them jokers, men and women, just going to put it all on the men.

They lying. They lying at photos from 2020, 25 years ago. They, you, you say, when I say Single, when you put your profile online and you know, you have to fill out everything you have to, you know, they ask you questions, you know what are you looking [00:40:00] for age, you know, age range, you know man, woman you know, white, black, Chinese, whatever the case is.

When you say, and you type your little bio, if you choose to do one, you know, single, sane, mentally stable you know. Available, fully available, which means you've been healed. You've healed from your past marriage, your trauma, your relationship, but I got to expand on single. That doesn't mean separated because you're not single.

You still tied to someone because you're not divorced. Right. You don't have a girlfriend, a living girlfriend your, your child's mother that thinks she your girlfriend. Cause y'all having severed ties really. Right. But you are truly single [00:41:00] available, mentally available, your whole healed in your You're ready to meet court because courting and dating to me is two different things.

Okay? So you're ready to court, to date, to build a friendship that could lead into, you know a monogamous relationship and that can go further. You're intentional, you're consistent in your actions. That's, and the words coming out your mouth line up with your actions. That's right. Yeah. And that's not happening.

Mm-Hmm. That has not been my experience with online dating. Yeah. I At a age where it is not what you say. I'm not [00:42:00] looking at your words. I'm looking at the actions. And if your actions are lining up with the words that are coming out of your mouth, that tells a story. Are you intentional? Are you being consistent?

Consistency? Do you know how to communicate properly? Can you hold a conversation?

Nneka: Yeah, that's so important. You know, like you said, the self evaluation because you shouldn't get into a relationship. If you're not, if you haven't resolved issues from a previous relationship, if you have not healed from a previous relationship. So there definitely needs to be, like you said, a, you know, a sense of evaluating self first before you move into something.

And a lot of people don't evaluate it. Right. Right. Themselves, they just move into another relationship because they don't want to experience pain. They don't want to experience loneliness And so you enter into a relationship and then you you know Potentially man or woman you could potentially end up hurting that person [00:43:00] Because you haven't resolved all the things that you need to resolve and then like you said you gotta Establish what your needs are.

A lot of people sometimes are reluctant to establish like this is what I need in a relationship and when you don't do that, you allow for people to overstep boundaries. So you kind of sacrifice your boundaries because if you don't establish, you know what, this is what I need in a relationship. Granted that we're being realistic, but I think it's important to establish this is what I need.

Then that way, it You know, again, not being rigid or anything, but you've got to establish boundaries are so I think that's so important as we position ourselves to be in a relationship because if you do, anyone desires to be married, I think it's important to, you know, consider those things in addition to all the things that you said to you want to come hold and.

You want to add to the relationship and not take away [00:44:00] and granted that there'll probably be some things that you have to work on together, but as long as people are open to let me work on, you know, cause we're always a work in progress there. I don't think I'll ever get Where I don't have to work on something I've learned so much, you know, being married coming on 20 years in September, you know, I I'm still learning about myself.

I'm still evolving. I'm still correcting things. And so if a person feels like, you know what, I'm going to get in this relationship and everything's going to be perfect. You're, you're sadly mistaken because you're. Always going to be, you know, tweaking different things here and there. And you got to be open to that.

So

Rachel: absolutely, absolutely. That's totally, totally agree with you. Wow. 20 years. What a blessing. 20 years. Yeah.

Nneka: So as we come to the homestretch, what advice Rachel, would you give someone, you know, [00:45:00] in your, you're in, in our age who needs hope, you know how to move forward in your singleness, preparing yourself to be a wife.

What, what would you say?

Rachel: I think first what's important is you need to make sure that you are, you have healed, that you have done the work on you. I mean, heal from any type of past relationship, heal from any childhood trauma. A lot of people go from, get out of one relationship, go into the next, get out of one relationship, go to the next.

They don't even take time for themselves. To kind of look at what was the demise of the relationship because it's never just always one party. There's, there's responsibility that both parties bear. I don't believe that it's always one person, you know, accept responsibility and accountability [00:46:00] for maybe the role that you may have played in the demise of the relationship or not seeing the flags.

I think women sometimes, if I can just be transparent, especially in the day and age that we're living in. Let's be honest. There are a lot more women than there are available men. So women are vying for men because, because they want a man, right? They want a man, they want to be married. And sometimes they accept less than.

Or they accept sharing somebody's man. Yeah. Right. So I think you got to be realistic and real with yourself first and heal from any type of past trauma. Know your worth. Know who you are, know your worth, know your standards, have some standards, set some boundaries, be patient. Everything happens in due [00:47:00] time and due season.

I had to learn patience, Mika. I haven't always been a patient person. I want, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Yeah,

Nneka: like so many of us, if

Rachel: it was up to me, I would have been married two years outside of college. Wow. My kids are grown and me and my husband would be having a, our second honeymoon and enjoying life.

Right. But that, that wasn't. That wasn't my journey. That wasn't my plan for whatever reason, right? For whatever reason you and I've talked about this. All of my girlfriends in my circle are married with Children. All of them. I am the single one out of the girlfriend group. And that has its own challenges.

Nneka: Yeah. If you can speak to that a little bit I think that, I think we can, we can extend it [00:48:00] just a bit. But if you could speak to that, like you said I know you do have some single friends, but like you said, some of your, some of your close, close friends, some of your other, your close friends are married.

How do you cope with that?

Rachel: Prayer when I know that, and so let me say this, I'm extremely. Happy for all my girlfriends that are married with children. I'm very involved with you all. As you know the kids are like my nieces and nephews. I love them all. And there are times where if I'm invited places, right. And I know it's going to be.

I have to really ask myself, and not that any of my girlfriends make me feel a certain way. It is me. It's me feeling this way. Man, is this going to trigger me? Can I go be present? Be [00:49:00] my happy, joyful, fun loving, humorous, you know extroverted self in my close circle of friends, right? Be present and not feel pressured or feel like they're going to be looking or thinking here come Rachel.

No man, no date, no boyfriend, no, no man, no husband. Right. And it's, it's really all me. I think it's just in my head. I have to get out of my head. A lot of it is, a lot of it is I journal a lot. I have pep talks with myself and say, okay you doing this? Or sometimes I have, sometimes I may have to respectfully decline, not because I don't want to be around my friends and have a good time because.

Maybe Rachel is being triggered and she just can't handle it that day. Yeah, right. [00:50:00] Because it is a desire. It is a desire to be in a committed, loving relationship. With my husband or my significant other, my partner, my fiance. So when you're always showing up to events. You know, by yourself, it can, if I'm being totally honest, you do feel a certain way, you do feel a certain way, you do.

I'm thankful that the girlfriends that I have, they don't pay that no mind, and they don't pay me no attention, y'all don't pay me no attention, and y'all know quite honestly, when I'm going through that season and y'all will be like okay, yeah, I know that's how you feel. But if you don't bring your butt on over here or come on over here, we don't get you.

You guys have never made me feel less than because I, I don't have a spouse or significant other. You've all, you guys always been very welcoming, very [00:51:00] loving, and also very cognizant of. When I'm going through those seasons of feeling that, right? You guys love on me that much more. And so I'm very appreciative of that.

And your husband's that the husband's don't make me feel like I'm like their sister, right? That's right. Girlfriend's husband. My brother love because they are right now. So I'm very appreciative of that. But if I'm just being honest, yeah, I mean, and if any woman is being honest when you're when you're always the solo one in the group that can weigh on you, you got to be aware of your triggers.

I'm very aware of my triggers and I got to be true and authentic to myself if it's something that I know is going to trigger me and I cannot handle it. I'm not going to put myself in a position to do that. [00:52:00] I'm just not.

Nneka: Yeah, but let me say this. No one is judging your singleness. No one. No one. I mean, I mean, I think what you bring, I mean, the energy that you bring to a room, Rachel, when I say when your husband does meet you, cause you're such an amazing friend, daughter, sister.

auntie, woman of God, when that man meets you, boy, is he in for a blessing because what we get from you as a friend and you turn it around for a husband, wow, that's going to be a blessed man. And so he has to be, and I know Always in prayer for God to present your husband to you and remove any obstacles that may be in the way So that you can meet your husband and for people who want to be married because not everybody wants to be married Some people are okay with being single, but I feel like if that's the desire of your heart [00:53:00] I pray that God grants you the desire of your heart and that's, we close.

I want to thank you so much. Is there any parting words? Is there anything you want to say before I make my announcement? Is there any parting words you want to say before we part?

Rachel: I want to just encourage not only women, but men too, but I'm going to speak. Men too, because it's not just women. I'm sure it's, there's some men out there that want to be married too, and haven't found their, you know, their person, you know, their wife yet.

But I want to speak to my sisters especially the sisters that are, you know, older. Maybe, you know, 40 and up that haven't been married, don't have any children that just still remain hopeful to keep hope alive. That's really all we have. Right. To be intentional to enjoy. Yes. Enjoy your singleness, enjoy your single hood, but also.

Prepare for what it is that you want and that you desire. I take [00:54:00] myself out on dates, dinner dates. I take myself to the movies. I've taken myself to concerts. I've, last year was the first time, and you know this, Nika, I went on my first solo vacation. Oh, I love it. Yes. It was really big. If you know me, and you know me, Nika, that was huge for me.

That was huge for me. I went on a cruise. I was gone for a week and was I nervous? Yes, I was nervous. I, I asked myself, am I going to be triggered if I see these couples, these married couples, these, you know, couples together having dinner and kind of, you know, doting on each other? Would I be triggered?

I asked myself those things. Let me tell you something. Those people on that cruise, they were They were amazed that I was traveling alone and I never had dinner alone. They invited me to have dinner. I met so many nice people and it was one of [00:55:00] the best trips that I ever had. And as a matter of fact, I'm planning another solo vacation this year.

So I just want to say to my, my, my single sisters enjoy your singleness. Yes. Enjoy yourself. Take yourself on a date. Yes, you can sit at the table, but my girlfriends have talked me now into sitting at the bar.

Nneka: Yes. That opens you up. It opens you're open

Rachel: with that intention, right? You, I don't go there with the intention.

Oh, I'm going to meet somebody. We're meant to communicate, right? And talk, right? And I have some of the best conversations when I take myself out to dinner and maybe sit at the bar, go someplace different, right? I have some of the best conversations. I mean a good meal, a good glass of wine, and some great conversation.

I enjoy going to concerts. I love music. I love to dance. I went [00:56:00] to a couple concerts by myself. You don't always have to be or have someone with you, right? But do you? Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your singleness. And when you least expect it, as I've been told, right? Several times, it will happen. I understand that everything happens in due time, in due season, and when you're ready.

Are those things that you're asking for, are you currently doing those things? Right. So if you want, if your desire is to, I'm just throwing this out here for argument's sake, this is not me, but you want a man with six figures, are you making six figures? Are you asking for something that you're not doing yourself?

Right. So you got to be careful. You got to understand what it is that you want and desire, but you become those things too. You become those things. So you can attract and [00:57:00] align what it is that you desire as well. So I'm still at 52. I'm still hopeful. I haven't given up hope. It's still very much a desire.

Is there something on top of my every day? It is not because I'm too busy living my life. I'm booked and busy,

Nneka: but you are, you are. And like I said, I'm so proud of you for, like you said, dating Rachel and not sitting back, just waiting. Cause so often that's what we do. I know when you purchase your own home, I was so proud of you and you've just been doing a lot of things.

And I know you want to do things with a mate, but I'm so happy to see that. You're not waiting on that. You're still living your life. So that, that really makes me happy. That puts a smile on my face and into my heart, but you

Rachel: know, that was never my desire, Nika, to be honest with you, to purchase my home without my husband.

Never. But I was, I [00:58:00] was, you know, God led me to do it. He told me to do it and I was obedient and so I'm forever thankful and grateful that I did.

Nneka: Purchased a beautiful home. And so I want to, that ends our talk for today, this evening, I should say, but I want to let everyone, all our listeners know that Rachel, my One of my best friends, she will be hosting the podcast with me once a month.

She will be my co host and I am so excited to have her join me because I've always told Rachel, you have the gift of really conversing and making things very clear. I've seen so much in Rachel. I wish she could, well, I know she sees what I see in her, but in terms of her just being able to.

Fluence and inspire women. I really believe that that's her ministry. So I really believe that it's a great idea to have her co-host with me on a monthly basis. So I'm so happy and honored that she accepted the [00:59:00] offer to do that with me. Yay. So we're still on, right? Right. ,

Rachel: we're, we're, I'm excited.

Nika has been, you know, for the last 25 plus years telling me this was my ministry. So I graciously ac accept it.

Nneka: Yes. So I was very, very happy. So don't go anywhere right now, Rachel, but I just want to get ahold. I want to just close this, close our podcast. So thanks again, Rachel, for joining me. But the next time you join, you will be joining me as my co host.

So I'm so excited about that. So thanks for joining today's episode. If you enjoyed the story time, don't forget to subscribe on Spotify, Apple podcasts and Google podcasts. Leave us a review and share with your friends to help us reach more listeners. Stay tuned for more insightful stories. Until next time, take care and keep exploring new connections with us.

Bye for now.