Hello and welcome to Revolutionize your love life. Do you

want to know more about love relationships? What makes them

work? How to create the one of your best dreams?

Do you want to be in a really healthy juicy,

love relationship? In these podcasts, we will give ideas and

practical advice to light your way. Whether you're looking for

a love partner already in a relationship, you wish could

be better or leaving one that has run its course.

There will be something to inspire empower and support you.

Revolutionize your love life is a fortnightly podcast where you

will access the knowledge and wisdom of love experts and

relationship coaches from across the world to help you find

true fulfillment in love. I am your host, Heather Garbett.

Welcome. Hello. I'm here today with the lovely Lucy Cavendish.

She's a woman of some magnitude and I'm privileged to

call her a friend and colleague in our coaching community.

She's a calling in the one coach and author, an

exceptional relationship expert and she has a podcast which is

called Later Data. Welcome, Lucy. Oh, thank you, Heather. Really

good to see you and thank you so much for

inviting me to be here. It's a real honor and

a pleasure. Thank you. Thank you. So, we're here today

to talk about the myths around love and dating. Shall

we list them? Lucy? Yes. As someone who has taken

a lot of people through calling in, the one also

sees a lot of couples, although that's slightly their feel,

but also dating myself doesn't mean to say people can't

call in their one with me but I am, I

am dating so I know a lot about it. Yeah.

That myth is something that there's no one out there

for me. Uh, you have to love yourself before anyone

else will love you. Um, we had the agony of,

oh, love will appear when you least expect it. Uh,

men are looking for younger women. So I'm talking about

women dating men obviously here. Um, and what I get

quite a lot is, oh, you're too successful. So, you're

intimidating to men. Those are the ones I have bumped

into quite a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I, I think the

other one that, that just comes to mind as you're

speaking is all the good ones are taken. Oh, yeah.

That's a, that's a, yeah, absolutely. All the good ones

are taken. Yeah. That's a, that's a, that's a really

big one. Yeah, that relates to, there's no one out

there for me. Yeah. Yeah. So, should we start with

that one? There's no one out there for me. Yes.

So as I say to my calling, the one clients

and my dating clients, essentially, you're just looking for one

person. So I, what I say to them is, listen,

how many people are on the planet? Uh uh that

runs into billions. So if you take out depends if

you're heterosexual or, you know, or, or, or, or, or

if you're, you know, depending on what you're looking for.

OK, so take out all the people that you're not

looking for and Children and all that sort of stuff,

you're still left with billions, you're still left with so

many people you could possibly date that. It is absolutely

not true. It is fundamentally factually incorrect. There is no

one out there for me. So it's a case of

really knowing. Well, of course, there's someone out there for

me. I'm only looking for one. So people get very,

you know, they get very disheartened, they get very stuck

on their side. There's no one that there for me.

And then they go into that sense of shame and

that sense of failure. And then it's a bit of

a self fulfilling prophecy. It's like when you were younger

or, or maybe older and you meet someone and they

say, oh, you're gonna dump me, you're gonna dump me

in the end. You're like, yes, I am going to

dump you cos you keep saying it, you know, sort

of, it's, it's an energy thing. There's no one ever

me and I say to people, have you got a

crystal ball? You have a crystal ball? You absolutely know.

Can you tell me 100%? There's no one out there

for you or, or maybe that's not actually true. That

that's what I, I tell people. And we also, I

think cos we're both calling in the one coaches by

helping people really think and feel in their bodies about

what is it I'm actually looking for. So we're honing

it down a bit. They were holding it down. So

I've encouraged my clients because everyone's on dating um, apps.

That's really how you meet someone, or at least it's

certainly a good way to start. I know there's a

lot of trepidation around that is to be incredibly clear

about what they're looking for, you know, so as you

don't want 100% of people liking you, you want really,

you kind of want 1% but the 1% that are

clicking, like have read, hopefully read your profile and they're,

and they're a better match, you know, than, than the

99% of other people because you've done a very general

profile. And actually, I've really been honing in on this

are two of my clients who really felt they were

undateable. Um, have both really recently rewritten. Their dating profiles

been incredibly specific about what they're looking for. Not a

5 ft 10 guy with money, but you know what

they're looking for in their bodies and souls and they've

both met someone, not the same person. Thank goodness, it

wasn't the same person. That's really interesting. And I mean,

it is a, a core piece for me about calling

in. The one is really getting the values down, really

getting the, the quality of feeling that you want to

have and then you've got something to measure each date

against. Do they make me feel safe? Do I feel

I can trust them? Do I think I can talk

to them for the next 20 years? Do I belong

with them? Do they have similar values to me? How

do they talk? How do they treat people really feeling

all that in your body is so key. So that

measuring when you find somebody, you can really tune them

out straight away, if, if they can't speak to you

or ask questions about you on the dating site. Are

they ever gonna do it in person? Now, you look

for their social skills. First off. How's your day going?

Probably doesn't float your boat? It might be somebody shy.

It's worth a second go. But if by the time

you get to the next two or three bits, it's

still, well, I had a really nice breakfast this morning

and the sun's shining, you know, then you're beginning to

wonder if there's anybody there. It's that quality. You, you

really got to learn to listen to your body as

you say to really feel if somebody is there by

being in your body yourself. I think it's really important.

You've said that because I think when people get into

fear of there's no one out there for me, they

start compromising on things. So, you know, I've been on

dating sites. How's your day? That's OK. Next day. How's

your day? Third day, how's your day? I might actually,

and now I'm trying to generate. So I'm like, OK,

I will generate a bit more of a dialogue here

and that's fine. You know what I love about this.

And I think it's really important to know this and

keep this in our bodies. We're not for everybody and

everybody's not for us. I approach it as I wish

everybody well, you know, there are a lot of people

out there who are genuinely looking for love and they're

looking for that other person and they may not be

for me. But the lovely thing about it is that

everyone, you know, these people will meet up. This is

great, but I think you do have to have a

sort of filtering system. Um And I think we have

to, you know, it can get very shaming dating because

you think, oh, it's my fourth date and it's not

this person. And then you think is there ever gonna

be summer? But what you need to know is you're

tuning in and tuning in and tuning in. What, you

know, who you're really gonna resonate with. And there has

to be that, that thing of, I'm really resonating with

this person. I'm enjoying their company. We're getting on really

well. They've picked up the bill. I know this is

old fashioned. I know it's old fashioned but for, and

I know men don't have to pick up the book.

But actually, it's about, is this person generous? Are they

generous? And do they have a masculine quality about them?

You know, as in the sort of instrumental versus expressive

uh of wanting to protect and provide and that's old

fashioned too. But we've got to remember that we are

sort of old fashioned visceral beings. Our heads go faster

than our instincts and our hearts, our hearts are quite

a long way behind in that respect. We do want

somebody that we can depend on and who's dependable doesn't

mean, you know, they have to pay every time or

that we don't have our own careers of money. It

just means that they can be there on an equal

basis. Cos uh, you know, talking a moment ago, I

think about compromise. I see really good quality women compromising

because they think they're not good enough. But what I

see is they're swimming in the shallows, they're swimming with

minnows when they should be swimming with whales. So they're

trying to fit themselves if I can mix a metaphor

into smaller and smaller shoes in order to be acceptable.

Cos their core beliefs about themselves that they're not good

enough or whatever, I'm not worthy of love. So they

try and fit in and fit in rather than being

in their full self and attracting somebody of quality from

their own confident self. And I think, you know, that's

where we come in with our coaching, of course, to

help people really live in that fully confident self that

they've lost from all of the crosscurrents of uh, the

slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. You know, the, the

childhood experiences, the bullying at school, the emotional neglect or

whatever that we've had, that leaves us with that. So

we're coming into dating from a, a vulnerable place rather

than a strong place. And I love what you're saying

about being choosy and tuning into your body. That's to

get you in the strong place. I think this is

quite complicated though because a lot of people, I mean,

I'm 57 and a lot of women of my age

and I'm sure, you know, this, you know, we've been

quite damaged, we've taken AAA hit if not more than

one hit. Absolutely. Yeah. So your core, you know, so,

yes. Abs, you know, I, I'm actually probably more confident

now than I was when I was 18. Definitely. Definitely.

I didn't know what I was doing when I was

18. I didn't really know what I was doing when

I was 20. You know. So I think it's a

balance because underneath the confidence for a lot of women

is also the heart and the pain, you know, which

is the places where they haven't been treated very well.

And there's a lot of work. I think that it

is beneath that also. I think we have to have,

have to have sounds very prescriptive, but I think this

sort of um divine feminine energy. So I've got quite

a kind of a, hello. You know, I'm a really

excitable kind of a woo hoo sort of a, I

think of myself as Edgar the dragon off the John

Lewis advert. I get so excited. I burn everything. I

see. I'm like, oh, we're going out. That's so fun.

So part of my learning it isn't to, it's not

to dumb myself down or reduce my power, but it's

to just sit back a little bit. So can a

bit of, I need to learn a bit of containment

rather than this, you know. Oh, I share very quickly.

That's fine. I don't really, actually I'm fine with it

but, you know, I can see that energy sometimes is

a little overwhelming. So it's an energy dance cos if,

if I'm constantly on it, um it doesn't give the

person a chance for them to come and shine because

I'm just being a bright shiny penny endlessly. So I,

I'm also thinking about how we shift our energy so

that actually um people can come forwards, they can shine

they can find their, what I call noble, masculine. So,

we're beautiful. Phrase. Noble, masculine. That's wonderful. Well, I always

think of it a bit like the princess, you know,

and they're jousting and who is she going to put

the, you know, the, the, the her little colors on?

And, you know, it's, it's rather than this energy of,

uh, there's no one out there. It's like there's a

whole lot of people out there but who am I

gonna let to be my suitor? Who's gonna be my,

the man that woos me? Yeah, and that's what I

mean by confidence. I don't mean, um, being always the

bubbly person at the party, I just mean by centering

in yourself and doing some work on the wounds, doing

some work on now you got wounded. You, you can't

do anything about the other person who wounded you. They

may have behaved very badly, treated you very badly. But

if you come back to yourself and you look at

how did I let that happen? Ok. You might be,

I don't married with six kids and that makes it

difficult to just up and leave. Uh, but this the,

the ways that I want us to look at how

we give our power away in dating or any other

time, you know, I've been around the block as well.

Lucy, I'm not leveling this at you at all. You

know, I, I've been married and divorced and had a

series of really unsuitable relationships. I didn't know what I

was doing when I was 18 or when I was

33 when I got married. It just looked like a

good idea at the time. I hadn't got any emotional

intelligence or real discernment or real self-confidence. I was just

in a way bouncing in my self that had adapted

to those early wounds. So that was where I was

making my choices from, which was to find people to

look after. Yes, wounded antelope. Stand aside. I will look

after them. I thought that if you kiss someone and

you had to go out with them, I mean, how

mad was that? I mean, like, hello, I felt some

kind of debt. Yeah. But I don't think like, hey,

I can kiss anyone. I like, which I can do

hell, you know, of course I can, I have to

marry them just because I've snogged them. But so I

used to just go out with basically anyone I'd kissed.

I mean, it was ridiculous. I'm completely with that. And

I remember, um, a guy I dated for a short

time saying to me, uh, that he'd been told, you

know, on the, the dating apps or something that he'd

researched that if you kiss the woman on the first

date, then you claimed her and you must have let

it go past the second date and if you behaved

well, for six months, you could do anything. You liked

after that, I was really horrified. Where was he born?

Yeah. That's very, very strange. Very, I mean, what would

I, sorry, I thought came into my head. Then I,

I think, I think that when people get panicky and

disheartened and I really get that, I do get that.

It's actually knowing and if you, if you've gone through

calling on there knowing that there is someone out there

for you and you are also for that person. But

you, you know, you, you, you can't just keep dating

the person that you kissed. There is an element of

choice, you know, who is it that you really want

to be with and who are you going to be,

you know, in that? And so this other myth that

drives me slightly nuts and everybody says it is, oh,

it'll all happen when you least expect it. You know,

and you get these stories while I was on these

dating apps and I had enough and I came off

them and a month later, you know, I was walking

down the street and I tripped over a pavement and

I looked up and there was Mr Darcy, the problem

with this and I'm sure this is true and this

is lovely. The problem with it is then you walk

through the world thinking, well, I mustn't expect love. You

know, if I, if I stop expecting it, it'll happen

and it means you're still in the energy of expecting.

Yes, you just carry on. Expecting. Expecting. Not having, yeah.

So it's the same, it's the same feeling. And II,

I do understand how painful it is. I have friends

of mine who are so horribly lonely, they feel lonely

to the very core of their body that, you know,

they're suicidal. And I mean, genuinely it's a feeling of

there's no one out there for me. Nobody is interested

in me. No one cares about me. I'm invisible. I

hear that a lot. I feel fundamentally diametrically opposed to

that. No, I feel I'm a shiny, funny, sexy, clever,

pretty magnetic woman. That's what I actually feel like. And

that's not because I'm a great beauty or I'm the

size 10 or I, whatever, whatever. It's just how I

feel about myself. But I've done a lot of work

to get to that place. And I think the thing

about the, about coaching about, about all this love coaching

is that's where you're getting your clients to. That is

where the coach is investing in the client so that

she, she walks through the world as a person for

whom, you know, she's smiling at the world and the

world's smiling back. And I can tell you the, you

know, I do that every day. I talk to people

every day. I compliment people every day. I say to

an eight year old woman, I love your hair. I

say to a boy with 8000 piercings. Wow. Your piercings

are quite something else. And everybody blossoms around you, everyone

blossoms around you. You blossom, they blossom. It's just a

win, win. I was on a date the other day

with a man. I knew he wasn't. We, we had

agreed it wasn't gonna work because uh, we talked on

the phone and he had spent an hour, I should

have cut this down. But he spent an hour telling

me about how he was, stood in love with his

ex-girlfriend who dumped him four weeks previously. So actually we

met up, I mean, he's trained to be a counselor.

So we met up as a, as a toy as

a friend. Thing about counseling and that, but what I

noticed was how self absorbed he was. So I was

chatting to this person. Oh, look at your dog and

wow, that's a lovely table and this, you know, and

he was just completely self absorbed because he's in terrible

amounts of pain. The end of our lunch. He said

what, you know, what advice could you give me? And

I said, you know, look up, just look up s

you're so self absorbed. You, you know, you're not aware

of anything other than your terrible pain and no one's

gonna wanna date you like that or if they do

it won't work. It needs to be expensive. So I

say this to people which is look around, look up,

smile, engage. If you walk through the world like there's

a rain cloud over you, there is a rain cloud

over you. It's never gonna change. No. And you'll end

up in somebody else's umbrella. Yeah. You don't wanna do

that. No. No, no, no. I really love that. What

you, what you're saying? Because you're, you're coming to the

piece of really enjoying your life. It feels really important

to me. We, we're, we're being who we want to

be in the world. We're not living in that small,

safe hidden place or, um, in an overcompensated place. We're

actually living in our true selves, not the adapted self,

our true selves as much as possible cos, you know,

we move in and out of those states all the

time. But from that place, we're really enjoying our lives,

we're doing the things that we want. We're, if we're

not on the dating apps, we're more likely to meet

somebody, uh, at the rowing club or playing bridge or

whatever it is, you know, darts on a Saturday night,

all those sorts of things that we might get involved

with, um, dram art groups. I don't know, whatever floats

your boat, then you're feeding your soul and then you're

in your most radiant self and then you're looking up,

then you're enjoying life and then you're magnetic. I think

a lot of people don't feel magnetic at all. No,

they don't. You know, and I, I feel that's such

a difficult thing that when life feels that they've, you

know, they've had a hard time. I mean, I hear,

I hear it a lot people get very stuck in

their painful stories and they find it very hard to

move beyond them. We find it better to, to hold

out for a future and, you know, being future oriented

is difficult. There's parts of me that feel really nostalgic

and I get very, um, sad. I get very tearful

at times about the life that's gone by, you know,

all, you know, and I think about my Children when

they're little and they're not little now. I can get

terribly nostalgic and I mean, may, may, maybe many people

think this and then I think, who am I kidding?

You know, this person walking through the world going la

la, I'm so magnetic. I'm like, who am I kidding?

And I think this is exhausting. This is exhausting. Why

can't I just want to go back to bed and

hide under the duvet? I don't have to go out

and walk around being magnetic. I, you know, cos for

a lot of people, if someone had said to me,

would you have chosen what's happened? Of course, I wouldn't

have chosen it. You know, I wouldn't have chosen it

at all. I didn't, you know. No, I wouldn't have

chosen to have lost all my money. I wouldn't have

chosen to have to sell my family home. I wouldn't

have chosen to be married to a man who didn't

tell, you know, wasn't quite what he seemed and get

divorced. I wouldn't have chosen my sister to have died.

All sorts of things have happened to me in the

last three years that I wouldn't have chosen. I'd much

rather, but none of that happened and like, you know,

blah, blah, blah, we were still happy land with the

birds tweeting, but that isn't where I'm at right now.

So this is also what I'm offering people, which is

we can go through horrific times and people have been

through a lot worse than that. And there are times

when you feel fell like a tree and you cannot

imagine that you will ever grow a tiny little shoot.

You might not even wanna grow a shoot. You might

not just want to stay on the ground dead because

it's too hard. Yeah. And I think you're right. I

think we move between those states of being able to

be up and out and enjoying life and having grief

for the time that's gone by. And it can be

nostalgia and it can be grief for things like when

people have died or when a marriage fails, you know,

all sorts of things for not having chosen the one

that got away, you know, for having missed a point

somewhere and gone the other path. But I think at

least we're vacillating between those two places and finding somewhere

in between where there's some core truth of self worth

and pleasure. Yeah. I think we can honor that. You

know, I think there's a, um, we're, we're complicated beings

and we should be complicated beings. And I think the

complexity of humans is what makes us all wonderful and

fascinating and amazing. But I think that that thing of

movement is very, is very key. So when I'm going

down the path of, of loss and grief and sadness

and melancholy, I just think, ok, well, that's a, that's

a little bit that, you know, I'm going down that

path a bit today and I'm ok with that. And

I, because I think I've learned the skills and capacities

to not linger there and not get stuck there cos

from that place. Well, I'm stuck in that place so

nothing that's good. No one's gonna want me. Why are,

you know, I wish I could go back another 20

years and do it differently. I mean, I can't, I

can't go back 20 years. What I can do is

learn a lot from that and go forwards, I think.

Well, what am I gonna learn from that? 20 years

or how many years I can take into my present

life now and, and do it differently. This is the,

these are the lessons we need to learn so that

we can move forwards. And I mean, I feel I

would be much more available to love somebody, somebody now

in a really whole and healthy way that I've, I've

never really been able to do that before and now

I really feel that I can, that I, I'm that

person and that's what I'm looking for in my person.

So, you know, then you might say, well, what kind

of women say to you there aren't men out there

like that, but that's not true. That's sort of tiring

all men with a brush of being sort of neanderthals

that aren't interested in their own emotional and spiritual well

being and growth. But actually I find a lot of

men are genuinely interested in that and they've done more

and more so, more and more so. Yeah. Yeah. And

they can tell you now, I mean, the other day

I met a man in the supermarket, he was about

50 something and somehow we ended up talking about attachment

styles. It's great. This is a very intimate conversation to

have. And I said, well, you, you, you offered it,

you started telling me about your attachment style and, and

I honored the fact and appreciate the fact. You decided

to talk to me about it. This is an interesting

conversation. Now, if he'd been single, he had a wedding

band on, right. If he'd been single, I probably would

have said to him. Would you like my number? Sometimes

we've got to be super brave. Yeah. Let them know

you're available. Yeah. No, I mean, he had, I checked,

I checked it out. He was a good looking man,

but I checked it out. I thought he's got a

wedding ring on his finger. So it's a lovely conversation.

And you wish him well on. He goes sometimes, you

know, you've got to say to someone, would you, you

know, would you like my number and if they say

no, so what does it matter? And I think it's

key that you say, would you like my number letting

them know you're available rather than shall we go on

a date? Or can I have your number? Because you

don't wanna take the, the uh masculine in inverted commas

role. You need to be in the divine feminine which

is inviting rather than active. Yes, I think that's really

true. So that you're sort of drawing people towards you.

It gives them the choice because you're giving a choice

out. I I am inviting you and they can choose

it to come or not. Whereas if you pursue them,

you've always got them on the back foot. I think

that pursuing energy, it um comes from fear. A lot

of sky comes from fear. Urgency. Yeah. Yeah, I've, I

mean, I have felt that at times I'm like, oh,

you know, well, maybe it's him then and my body's

going in. But you know, it's not, you know, it's

not, you're compromising because you're because you get scared. Ok?

But you know that this isn't the person for you

and that's fine. Just need to, you know, really embody

that and, and get out of the panic. And what

I ask people to do is to name their fears.

You know, what is the fear here? The fear is,

I'm never gonna meet anyone. AAA, lot of people, um,

fear being lonely. They do. Mhm. And I'm not, I'm

gonna ask people to let me know what is that

fear and what does lonely mean to them? I know

people that are surrounded by people and feel lonely. I

know people in marriages who feel lonely. You know, I

know people, people all over the world feel lonely. So

the interesting thing is what is lonely? What does lonely

mean? I think one way of looking at that is,

and it's helpful to some people not to everybody, which

is if you're, if you're in harmony with yourself, I

don't mean that means you love yourself. You don't have

to love yourself. This is another myth. You have to

love yourself. Most people don't love themselves cos they see

that as being egotistical and narcissistic. They're like, oh, well,

you know, so I don't think you have to love

yourself. I mean, I actually really like me. You know,

I do actually think I'm a really good person. Um,

but a lot of people, you know, they don't like

bits of them but I'm like, that's fine. But, you

know, you kind of need to be in harmony with

yourself because if you're in harmony with yourself you're never

truly lonely because there's always sort of you, there, there's

always you there to be with. I think that's a

helpful thought rather than, um, rather than being single as

a social stigma. I'm on my own because nobody likes

me. I'm on my own because nobody wants me. I'm

on my air because I'm ugly. I'm on my air

because I'm boring. You know, these are, these are, uh,

statements that are very unhelpful rather than I choose to

be on my own because I, I'm, I'm, I'm waiting,

not waiting, but I'm, you know, I'm here for my

person. Absolutely. You're not settling. Yes, we can all settle.

But that doesn't feel so good. I mean, I, I

see marriages that I, I mean, I, I'm so much

happier that I'm not in those marriages. They're destructive, toxic

and lonely. I don't, I don't have to be in

relationships like that. And, um, hallelujah is all I can

say. So, what's people that are single want to be

coupled up? People that are coupled up, you know, they

look at couples like I just want to be a

couple and I know some people are coupled up that

think I just want to be single. You know, because

they envy the singles, the ability to do what they

wanna do when they want to do it without having

to kind of check in and negotiate. Yeah, I think

it's worth remembering that each side wants to be where

the other side is. Yes. I think you're right. There

were also a couple more I think of the myths

we wanted to bust. And one is that men are

only looking for younger women. Yeah. Let's bust that one.

the men that are looking for younger women won't be

looking for you. So, that's all good. Yeah. Well, we're

looking for them. We're not looking for them. They're not

gonna click, like on your profile, they're not gonna appear

in your, you know, in your feed. Um, and you're

not looking for them. So that's, that's all fine. Those

men aren't gonna be on your radar because they're not

looking for you. I know a lot of men and

have met a lot of men who are looking for

age appropriate women and that's because, uh, quite often they

don't want to start another family. Ok. So if they're

in their fifties and they're gonna date women in their

twenties or thirties, they're looking, you know, they're getting into

hot water around chil about having more Children. So most

of them are like they've done their kids or their

kids are at the age where they kind of done

their kids and they don't wanna go back down that

path again and they don't want you to be down

that path again. You know, they want to be able

to go and actually date and go out and have

the same reference points, you know. So, you can talk

about the same stuff and also they're interested in what

you bring as a, as a, as a grown up

woman rather than having to sort of parent a younger

woman. So there are loads of men out there who,

who want to date women who are the same age

as them having said that as well. Hey, I know

a lot of women who are having a fabulous time

dating younger men. Oh, yes, I was about to say

for obvious reasons, but I know what everyone's gonna say

when I say that they're gonna think Viagra they don't

need Viagra. Um I, I think there's an energy mismatch.

I think you've gotta check the energy. A lot of

women in their fifties and sixties and onwards are vibrant

up VVV. Let's go. They're taking on new projects, they're

discovering new stuff about themselves and they meet someone in

their fifties, sixties, seventies who's really don pipe and slippers

land. Mm. Who sort of really just want to, you

know, uh daily premise I think is like perfect first

date. I'd like to stay in and cuddle. So that

for me is a no, was really not what I

want to do. I mean, I've cuddled enough Children, I've

cuddled enough animals do not need to cuddle grown men.

Your phrase pipe and slippers made me put my hands

over my eyes, please. No. Yes. So lots of women,

you know, they don't really want that sometimes that means

they're actually dating men who are, let's say, five years

younger, 10 years younger, they're dating men in their forties.

Yeah. Who have got a little bit more va V

going on. Yeah. And I see that much more commonly.

So I, I also want women to, to, to maybe

take the blinkers off about dating men that are younger

than, because I can tell you those men are all

good to go. They don't care that you're 10 years

older than them. They don't, they honestly, they know you

are because you've put it on your dating profile. They

want someone who's stimulating and intellectually stimulating and doesn't want

to have any more Children. Yes. Yes. Yes. And the

last one which you mentioned at the beginning, men find

you intimidating because you're so successful. Yeah, that drives me

nuts. So I was saying I was on radio for

the other women's hour and a potential date heard me.

So there was going to listen to radio four. That's

a great big tick and women's hour. I was out

but we were supposed to be going out for dinner

or a drink or something. And he texted me and

said, I, I heard your woman's hour. You were fabulous.

Well done, but I'm gonna cancel our date because I,

I just feel, you know, you're all that and I'm

not and it's a bit intimidating. So thank you. Thank

you, Mr for just ruling yourself out. Ahead of the

game to the tender parts of us. It does, it

does, does, it just does. I mean, I wish I

was 100% good to go on this, but I'm not

unlike every other person on the planet. I get hurt.

You know, I get sad. I take it personally at

times I was like, oh, but I had a really

lovely dialogue and we talk and I felt really deflated.

I felt really deflated and I want that, that something

really childish and rude, like, well, you know, stupid. You,

you know, you see that's really interesting that a rasp

and go like, you know, you know, you're an arsehole

and, and my sort of uh gut reaction from my

wounded self would be to say, oh, why do you

think so little of yourself that you feel that you're

not as good as me? So I would get into

the looking after role. You'd get into the fu role.

I, I went into fleet rebellious child, you know, kind

of like, you know, I wanted to text back something

really, you know, like, well at yours something and then

I, I thought, well just that was ok. I went

with that, you know, just put your phone in your

bag, right? You know, don't, you know, don't do the

texting thing and then I, and then I just didn't

reply. There's, you know, there's nothing to reply to but

it does, it does, it is difficult because I think

what women do way more than men because it's a

cultural thing. They play small, they play small because they

think if I'm clever and if I've got a great

job and if I earn a lot of money, I'm

not saying I do earn a lot of money because

I don't. But, you know, if I, if I do

anything above the parapet, no one's gonna want me because

I'm intimidating and I think that's tricky. Yes. And that's

the, the minnows and whales zone. Well, that gets you

until all the good ones have gone. So, here's a

problem. I have gone to parties and I have met

some whales. I have met some really wonderful men, all

of whom are taken. It's a bit of a difficult

one because you think, well, is this man a superman

because he actually married a superwoman 30 years ago, you

know, you meet their wives and they're great. So they've

grown together, you know, you kind of think, well, I

bet this guy is so completely attractive and not emotionally

intelligent because he's married to this fabulous woman. You know,

and, and, and, and I, you know, you see that

not many of them but you see some marriages and

it's wonderful, you know, together, they pull together, they know

each other, they support each other. They've turned, they're both

wonderful people and they, it, it's because of them and,

you know, it works very very well. Um, where are

those quality men? For quality women? Yes, I think that

is difficult. I'm not gonna say it isn't difficult. It

is difficult. You are swimming in a much smaller pond

than you would have been in your twenties. Certainly. From,

in your twenties. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But they can for

one. Yeah. You only need one. And I've seen it

turn on a sixpence today. There's nobody in the world

tomorrow. He's right there. Yes, I've seen that happen so

many times. Yes. So here's what I'm going to say

about that because I won't go on. Yeah. So my

friend who I met here, she is beautiful. She is

like so beautiful. She's in her sixties. She's ridiculously beautiful

and she's also warm and kind and, and she's just

a very kind woman in every capacity. She met me.

So I've been on my own for a decade. So,

yeah, and I was like, well blooming heck, I'll marry

you and I'm not even a man, you know, she's

divine. So I said to her just let's have a

chat. She didn't, she not, I can't she be, she's

become a friend, but I just said, let's have a

chat. We had a chat, we did a little bit

of backwards and forwards. She went online in January and

decided she was only going to like something like three

men. We worked on all this because she's, she is

a very beautiful woman. So she was getting, uh, likes

from everyone. But what really happened was something in her

energy went from, I'm never gonna meet anybody and she's

very successful and she has a lot of money. She

doesn't care about money, but she has actually made a

lot of money. She totally changed her energy. And out

of the woodwork came these really good, really high quality

men, you know, they just started appearing and she was

like, where were they, where were they a year ago?

Where were they? Five years ago now, I'm not trying

to say to people again. I'm not sort of saying,

well, if you shift your energy, it's gonna work, but

there's something in it, energy completely came to this. It

does. I do. I mean, I suppose you can't always

count on it. But if you know, goodness me, if

I had 100 quid for every time it happened, I'd

be a very rich lady because I, I've seen it,

you know, I've been doing this now. Eight years. Yeah,

eight years. I've seen it happen so many times. Can

you describe that in words though for people? What is

it that you're actually seeing? Um I'm seeing, I'm seeing

as women peel away their adaptive layers that have come

from childhood that leave them with. I'm not worthy. I'm

not good enough. I'm bad if I look after my

needs, I don't belong. I'm, I'm from a, a lower

caste class race or whatever it is, they're, they're holding,

it can be, uh, I'm the black sheep of the

family or it can be bigger like, you know, cultural,

um, they peel all of that away and they come

to realize that actually they're pretty damn good and they,

they start to look at people differently and they start

to be able to be themselves. And I'm thinking of

one woman particularly who was told by her friend, she's

gonna meet a guy who is pretty high quality to,

to wear a plunging neckline and, and look alluring. You

know, that's not her. She's a high neckline with frills

like or uh elegant and classic. But she followed her

friend's advice and she was really uncomfortable throughout the whole

first date to the point that the, the date said,

how about you just put on your jacket and we

start again. Oh, I love the fact her date said

that. Yeah. And it was a he, he knows he,

he noticed and he was, he was quality, but she

was coming into herself. She should have ignored her friend's

advice. She got her, her friend's not a successful date.

I don't know why she listened to her one after

another. That no, no, no. You know. But anyway, she

did out of insecurity but she came into herself and

the next date they had, she allowed him to hold

out the chair for her while she sat down, she

allowed him to think that was a must. I would

say that that. But she wouldn't, she wouldn't be before

she rushed in late and before he could get up

and put the chair out, she'd sat down and leaned

forward, you know, showing her cleavage and it's just all,

all wrong. But the point is she's now married to

him nearly two years later because he saw her and

then she saw herself, she saw herself before they went

on, she went on the date, but she lost her

courage. But thereafter she saw herself much more clearly and

then was reflected in his eyes and he looks at

her now over the breakfast table. She goes, what are

you looking at? And he says, I'm looking at you.

I can't believe I've got you. This wonderful woman is

my wife. He says those things. Well, we love him.

What if, what if you're the other way? Which is

that you believe you're a high quality woman because you

are. But there's absolutely no one out there that matches

up. You just keep looking at what I meet a

lot. But I don't meet women. I mean, I do

have that but a lot of women are like, actually

I think I'm pretty fabulous. I'm all good to go.

I've done a lot of work. I'm emotionally intelligent. I've

really worked on myself. Where is everybody? They're not coming

from? I'm not good enough or blah, blah. They, they,

they, they've done a lot of work. They're high quality

women. Mm. There are men there. I said that I

do say that but I think, I think, I don't

want us all to fall into the because I think

part of the problem is a lot of this work

is around the idea that women have somehow, uh, feel

less than, sometimes women actually feel more than, I mean,

I get that a lot. My childhood thing is a

little bit of, you're too much, you're too talkative. You're

too show offy. Why can't you shut up? Why can't

you be quiet? Why do you have to take over

every single event? Why are you so excitable? I see.

Yeah. Some people have the, you're too much narrative, then

they fall into it and what I must do is

be less of them. Shut up. I do think it's

an energetic piece though. I, I met a man the

other day. It's not a date but he, we met

somewhere and I, I was, he was so lovely and

I got so excitable at some point. He said yes,

he said it's charming. But boy, oh boy. I mean,

you know, like it's being a Tommy gun because there's

so much energy around you. Mhm. Well, so maybe there

might be some quiet feedback not to dumb yourself down,

but just to take a step back and let them

come forwards, I think, you know, for a lot of,

for a lot of um, people, I mean, I'm, I'm,

you know, a lot, uh, again I think it's the

energy piece of encouraging people to really check in with,

you know, maybe just take a breath, you know, just

hold back a little bit and let this person come

forward with it. And also I know a lot of

times, um, people dismiss people very quickly for really, really,

like, they had a blue jacket and I only like

black jacket. So, you know, but there we are not

tall enough or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, for kind of relatively

spurious reasons rather than really looking up. Who is this

person on the planet? What are their value systems? How

do I feel when I'm with them? You know, have

they got my back a little bit? I don't know.

You know, you can feel it. It is. They pulled

the chair out. Do I think that's lovely. Yes, I

think it's lovely. I don't think it's demeaning or sexist.

I think it's lovely. I think it's caring, you know,

I like that. You know, it's like I went for

dinner with a friend of mine. She knows a lot

about Persian food. So I've, I'm, I'm all good for

her to order, you know, because she knows her stuff.

So I'm like, oh, yeah. No, that's fine. You order

and I'll just eat. So it's a dance and the

thing I like to offer people and I'm sure you

do too is how exciting. Is that? How exciting is

it to think? Oh, you know, out there is this

wonderful human being I'm gonna meet, I might have to

go through a few to get there. But that's kind

of fun. You know, don't take it too seriously if

someone's got support, get support to do it. So you're

not on your own and then you don't get so

wounded. Yeah. And I think you're right. It's a sorting.

It's a sort of game. You, you say your piece

go, well, quite often people get very, very hurt because

they've met someone and they thought I quite like him

and then they've never heard from him again or they've

texted him and said, would you like to meet up?

And the guy says no or whatever happens, essentially, it's

a no. And they get very hurt and they come

to me and say, I told you there's no like

that for me. I'm never gonna find love. And I

say, how long did you meet that person? For this

person that you've never met before? How long did you

meet him for an hour? Right? Ok. You met this

person for an hour on the basis of one hour,

you're going to make a huge, massive decision about the

possibility of love in your life based on one hour

for someone you value who doesn't know you. That's beautifully

put. And to be honest, I think if somebody, uh,

rules themselves out that quickly then. That's good because you

don't have to waste your time. They've sorted themselves out

of your list. Yes. And people say, well, but why

do you think he didn't text me? I'm like, I

don't know. Maybe he, you were, maybe, I don't, who

knows? You don't know what was going on for him.

No, they might not. Yeah. Maybe they're still in love

with their ex-wife. Maybe, actually thought you were 5 ft

five and you're 5 ft eight. I don't know. Actually

it doesn't matter. It's not personal. It's not about you.

It's about him. It feels personal but it's not personal

and, and it's just one to tickle. Yep. So, where

can people find you? Lucy? They can find me anywhere.

Um, I have, I'm on Facebook. I, um, have Lucy

cavendish love coach dot com. Lucy Countless Love coach.com. I'm

Lucy Count counseling.com. Um, Instagram. I'm, I'm, yeah, findable. I'm

findable. Um, well, and the people you need to find

you find you. I do. Yes. Absolutely. That's a real

bad news. Um, and I just emailed you. This is

the other thing I want people to know sometimes you,

I mean, I found you, Heather because I was trying,

researching something and I typed something in your name came

up and I emailed you and I know it's not

a dating thing but you've got, sometimes we've got to

go ok. I really, you know, I need to push

myself out of my comfort zone a bit. Yes. Sometimes

need to be. They need to kind of be a

little bit brave. Yes. Yes. And you were very brave

in connecting with me and look, we've created something really

interesting out of that connection and there's more to come.

Oh, yeah. I think we should take it on the

road because you have such success. This, this calling in

the one system which you've adapted for your style. I've

adapted for my style. It, it works. Mm It's the,

it works. It's the client puts the energy in and

it's a right energetic match. So some people will be

for me. Uh uh um And some people will be

for you. They'll be, you know, we uh and what

I like about this community is that is that if

a client is sort of for me, I might say,

you know, I'll say try Heather, you know, it's not

a grabby feeling. It's like we share stuff. Yes. All

boats rise together on the tide we're arriving on. So

the other thing I want people to really know about

love and about dating and we're doing it for everybody.

It's not just sort of us in this little pocket

going. Oh my God, what's going on here? You know,

it's for everybody and if we can expand that feeling.

So I just think, well, my, no, you know, that

was a no, but that's someone else's yes. And this

person is released now. To go and find his. Yes.

And I'm, I'm gonna find my Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of

Revolutionize your Love life. I'd like to know what has

been your biggest takeaway from this conversation. Do take a

minute and share this with us and visit us on

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my email at Heather at Heather garber.com. If you can

think of someone who will benefit from listening to this

podcast, please do share it with them. If you have

any feedback on how I can improve it, please do

reach out to me as I'm always keen to learn

more. Thank you so much again for listening and we'll

meet again on the next episode of Revolutionize Your Love

Life.