Ep. 6 Serving In My Purpose ===
Nneka: [00:00:00] welcome, welcome, welcome to Behind the 90 with Nika. I am your host, Nika. I thought it was fitting for me to give a little background of myself. I know I have been interviewing people, you know, which are my loved ones, but I thought it would be fitting to, you know, tell you a little bit about who I am and why I was inspired to do this.
But before I do that, I want to explain, as I always do, What behind the 90 means 90 percent of what we go through in life is about our past. Only 10 percent is about the here and now. So the 90 percent represents our story and we all have a story to tell. And I think it's important that we all consider telling our stories because it will give better understanding of who we are and [00:01:00] how we show up when it comes to, you know, relationships professionally and personally, how we show up.
Sometimes we show up in a way that's good and sometimes we show up in a way that's not so good. But I think it's important for us to be conscious of how we show up. And that all depends on what our story is, what our 90 percent is. So thank you so much for joining me. I think it's important for me to just express to you who I am. Today's title is Serving in My Purpose. E known for quite some time what I wanted to do in life. As a small child. I always wanted to counsel people. That was very important to me because I always liked to, I always enjoyed seeing people happy and operating in [00:02:00] wholeness.
Even as a small child, I probably didn't know it at the time, but I did get a S as, even as a small child, I got a sense that. I love to be around people, and I love to see people happy. It was almost, you know, when you like to see people happy and when you like to serve people, you got to be careful that you don't become a people, a people pleaser.
And I think in some regard, I did kind of act in that way where I was a people pleaser. Thank God I've been delivered from that. So let me go back a little bit, a little bit more. When I was growing up on Detroit's West side on Roberson street, I was considered the neighborhood counselor. No, just like Lucy, you know, Lucy on Charlie Brown.
She always wanted to counsel people. And I was that same way. I always wanted to counsel people, whether they wanted it or not. I always wanted to lend my advice if I felt like it was [00:03:00] necessary. In some cases it was, in some cases it was not. I understand that everyone doesn't operate the same and everyone should not be expected to operate the same.
I think. With having that insight as a young child, I can see how it will come off as being judgmental. So, with not necessarily having the training and the skill set to counsel people, I can see how it will come off as judgmental. Not that I wanted it to come off that way, but I can see how it could when you're that young and you're trying to impart insight and understanding to someone because you feel like, mm, my way is the better way.
But not always the case. So as you get older, you get a sense of, okay, if this is something that I want to do, I have to do it in a way that does not appear judgmental [00:04:00] because I knew my heart, my heart was always in the right place, but I can see how sometimes it could have come off as being a little judgmental.
So as you get older, you get a sense of, okay, we got to put this in a way. You got to lend your, you got to lend yourself in a way that does not come off as judgmental. So again, I was that neighborhood counselor wanting to see everybody happy and whole. But when I, I always knew that I wanted to work in the mental health field.
I wanted to counsel people. And when I would tell people that, they would discourage me. They would say, Oh, Nika, do you really want to do that? I mean, adults young, old people discourage me. I had not one person that says, Yes, Nika, you should do that. Unfortunately, I did not have anyone that said that. And that this is not, no fault of anyone, but I think people felt like they were looking out for me.
I think that's how Most people that said, Nico, do you really want to do that? They were really just looking out for me. [00:05:00] They felt like, Oh, do you really want to take on that kind of stress? And for me, I didn't look at it as stress. And so I can see how someone who's not necessarily called to do this kind of work, I can see how they would look at it as stress.
Why do you want to help other people in this way? Why do you want to take on? other people's problems. And again, I did not look at it that way. So against my better judgment, because I had people say, Oh, Nika, do you really want to do that? You know, you're the kind of person who worries a lot is really not a lucrative type of career.
Do you really want to do it? And so I guess my better judgment, I listened to, you know, people and their opinions about it. So I decided to go into business. So I worked for, Corporate America for went to school, got a business degree, work for corporate America for about 12 years after 12 years. I know I would say after 10 years of working in corporate America, [00:06:00] seeing people in their offices in cubicles with headsets on and.
Doing what they wanted to do. I felt like, man, this is not what I want to do. This is not what I was called to do. And I was miserable. I was miserable working this corporate job that did not seem to fit in with what I wanted to do in my life. So I quieted all the noise in my head about, Oh, this is not a lucrative job.
Oh, do you really want to take on other people's problems? And I decided to go back to school to get my master's in counseling. And that's what I did. I went back to school. I got my master's in counseling. And boy, am I happy that I did that. So I won't say that the 12 years of not serving in my purpose was a waste of time because it wasn't.
It really was not. I met some really great friends through corporate america, established some really good Connections and relationships [00:07:00] and just really some valuable worth ethics. You know, I really learned a lot. So I won't say that it was a waste of time because I feel like it did serve a purpose for me and it really did help me get to where I am today.
So decided to go back to school graduated with my master's in 2004 with a, as a licensed professional counselor, I got my master's in counseling and so here I am. I started off. Being a solo practitioner. And then I decided, you know what, I need to leverage myself. And so I, you know, I actually recruited other therapists to work with me.
And that has really, truly has been a blessing, but if I can go back. Again, I'm going to go back and forth, but when I think about as a small child, me operating as a counselor, you know, just telling people my, you know, what I felt like they should do. Some people welcomed it. They, they really did.
People would [00:08:00] come to me. Sometimes people would call me nosy. Sometimes people would call me what else would like a mother wise. They would have all kinds of names for me. I think at the time I felt like I was being teased and even if it was, it was still, I think it was kind of like a backhand compliment, but it was those, it was those backhand compliments that also helped me develop.
into the person that I am, because that's how people saw me in the neighborhood, in that school. People would say, you know, Nika's, you know, so mature when it came to problem solving because again, that's just who I was. Some people welcomed it and some people didn't welcome it. And like I said, for those who, you know, had these, I would say, I don't think they were trying to hurt me, but I think these, you know, backhand compliments, you know, at the time, I would get, I would be a little sensitive to it.
But at the same time. I still, it didn't discourage [00:09:00] me from the mindset of it all. Yes, did I go to school right away to become a counselor? I did not. But the mindset was still there to be a counselor. And so, like I said, I graduated in 2004. With my master's in counseling. And so here it is 2024, 20 years later, right?
So I started off as a solo practitioner and then I recruited some amazing therapists to work with me. And I tell you, I could not do what I'm doing without the amazing therapists that I work with. I could not do it without them. So we've been practicing for some time, doing what I love, counseling people.
who suffer with anxiety and depression, grief counseling, post traumatic stress disorder. And I can say that I still enjoy doing it. I still look forward to getting up in the [00:10:00] morning, serving people, serving my purpose with humility, because I feel like, wow, God chose me very early. to do this kind of work.
And I don't take it for granted that people would come and trust me with their stories that I hold near and dear to my heart. You know, as a counselor, you want to save everybody. You want everybody to be operating in total wellness because brain pain Is the worst pain that you can have. Let me say that again brain pain Is the worst pain that you can have and so I know i've suffered with anxiety and depression and I remember When I was in my master's program and I started to it was such a rich program It caused me to look at myself And the things that I had gone through in my life and i'm thinking wow, so it kind of Summoned up some things and I found myself in a depression [00:11:00] and I was wondering, I'm like, man, why Lord am I going through this?
And I remember a good friend of mine that I met in corporate America and he was a pastor and he said, Nika, if you don't go through anything, how are you going to help those that are suffering with anxiety and depression? And it was painful guys, it was really painful. And. I said, Oh, I get it. And I remember going to my doctor.
I was so anxious and depressed. I had lost a significant amount of weight. And I remember my doctor saying, you know, you're losing too much weight. Cause I wasn't eating. And. I remember him saying, Hey, you may want to get on some anti anxiety medicine. I was like, Oh no, I don't want to do that. But if I had not, it would have, I would have continued to deteriorate.
I wasn't suicidal or anything like that, but I was almost like giving [00:12:00] up. And I remember when my doctor told me to take You know, medicine, anti anxiety medicine, I did, I did it reluctantly, but again, it was all, I didn't realize it was all a part of the plan of me helping God's people. God preparing me to counsel.
And had I not gone through what I went through, I would not be able to tell people. I know what that feels like. I know what it feels like to, you know, for someone to say, hey, you want to consider taking medicine and doing it grudgingly. But it was one of the best Best decisions that I've made to get on some medicine, get myself where I needed to be.
And I remember saying, I'm going to give myself two years. So I did talk therapy and I got on the medicine and it really did. I was very intentional about it because I did that pain. Like I said, that brain pain was so intense that. I felt like, you know what, I need to take something. And I remember taking something and I remember saying to [00:13:00] myself, I'm going to give it two years, you know, being counseling and take the medicine.
Sure enough, that's what I did. I got myself where I needed to be. I rewired my brain. I dealt with some of the, you know, things that I hadn't dealt with from my childhood and. It was one of those things that I, when I look back on it, I said, I am so happy that I went through that because again, I would not be able to serve people in the capacity in which I serve them now.
Yeah, you can read a book and you can kind of get a sense of these theories and how to help people. But if you haven't gone through anything yourself, it's really hard to be really a. effective. As a counselor, I'm a strong believer in that if you haven't gone through anything. And so I thank God for the struggle because it was through my struggle that I'm able to be more relatable.
I'm able to say, Oh, I know what that feels like. And I'm able to [00:14:00] encourage, Hey, you may want to talk to your doctor about getting on medicine with me, not being an MD. I cannot necessarily prescribe or anything like that, but I see the signs. I know the signs because I've gone through and in different, you know, it's different situations, but I know that pain.
And so, again, I know from my experience that, okay, when I'm counseling somebody who has depression and anxiety, I'm a bit more sensitive to someone that has not gone through it. So, like I said, I, I definitely have a passion to just serve people in that capacity and I will continue to serve. And so, as you know, as a mental health, as well, you may know, or you may not know, but as a mental health professional, I think a lot of us have a desire to expand our reach as much as we can to help other people.
So I've done quite a few things. I know, like I said, I graduated in [00:15:00] 2004 with my master's in counseling and then in 2000, I think it was 2009. Now keep in mind, I'm all about relationships. I started these forums called truth parties for relationships where I gathered, you know, I recruited single men and women to come together to express their truth about their, their lessons and who inspired them in their relationship, building of relationships.
So it was really a great time of learning. Education, laughter, and fun, but the main goal was for everyone to connect with their individual truths. And I called it Truth Parties for Relationships. And we had a good run for some time. But as you know, these things cost, and so it's hard to keep those things going if you don't have the financial backing to keep those things going.
But it was a great run. And yes, I did have a cover charge, but it still was not enough. [00:16:00] To keep them going and I didn't want to keep increasing the price Although it's very worth it because I was providing education, but I still didn't want to keep increasing the prices so And I probably should have because people really did value the truth parties for relationships.
And so I paused on that a bit and then I went on to do segments on news stations, radio stations again, that has served me well and those things I really enjoy doing. So I was let's fast forward a little bit. Like I said, now I've done the truth parties. I've expanded my practice. I've added some wonderful, amazing therapists to my practice, which has allowed me to do some of the other things that I want to do outside the practice.
And so I. Started a documentary. I had come across so many men and women, not, well, I don't say men, but men and women, but I was really focused on women. I was starting to get a lot of women of [00:17:00] all races that had mommy issues. Right? Yeah, I said, mommy issues and I had never, I had just started to hear it more and more and I was saying to myself, the stories that these ladies were sharing with me, black, white, you know, all races, all across the board, they were sharing their stories of mommy issues and it just didn't, it didn't occur to me that.
People, and this was so ignorant that people had mommy issues. You often hear about daddy issues, but you don't hear about mommy issues. And so when I was hearing all these stories, me being a doer, when I, when something, and when I'm inspired to do something, because as a woman of faith, I am led by how God wants me to move.
I was inspired to. Do it, you know, to facilitate a documentary. [00:18:00] I'm like, these stories need to be told. Because I think it would help so much people to understand, you know, problematic mother daughter relationships. Now, this was not to demonize moms, because we don't, definitely don't want to do that.
But I think, I thought it was important for these young women to tell their stories, and they were really they were open to do that. It was through these stories that I came to learn. I came to open up my eyes in graduate school. We didn't talk about these relationships. We talked about, you know, you know, daddy issues, but you don't often hear people talking about mommy issues because mommy's.
You know, are automatically seen as nurturers and caregivers and they have this halo effect. And so most people, you know, if you say you have issues with your mom, they, they say this thing where you only got one mom, you know, you, you know, you, you should, you know, you just got to forgive your mom. You got to do this.
[00:19:00] You got to do that because you're, because she's mom. And when these ladies told me, that's one of the ladies told me, she said, that's such a huge. slap in the face when people say that because it dismisses my experience with my mother. And I'm like, Oh, I never thought about that. So she says people really should not say that they should welcome that my experience because this is my experience.
And when people say that it's almost like you're dismissing their struggle. And so I decided that all the legalities in order, did I say that right? Legalities in order so that, you know, we could document the lives of these young women. And like I said, they graciously accepted the offer to do so.
So we did, I directed. and produced a documentary with the help of a [00:20:00] great team. I couldn't, could not have done it by myself. And so thankful that the ladies wanted to share their stories in an effort to inspire hope and healing. In these relationships. Again, it's not to demonize black moms. It's really to understand the history of the disconnect and the mother daughter relationship in the African African American community.
And like I said, I understand that this problem extends past, you know, To all races, but I wanted to really focus on the African American community. And so we produced a documentary, in 2022 we had our premiere, and it was a success, it really has been a success. But this gets me to where I am now. Now I have had a great run, you know, opening my practice having some amazing therapists work with me, doing my [00:21:00] truth parties, doing back to school, no stress camps, doing the documentary.
I am a doer. When I, when God birthed something in me, I am a doer. I want to do it. I cannot sit on it and not get it done. It just doesn't serve me. To have an idea or something that God wants me to do and not do it. So you have all these things that I have done, glory to God. I thank God for the, the energy and the time and the effort that I put into it because I could not have done it without him.
But you put in all these, you do all these things and you say to yourself, I got to get it done. And I do get it done, but the problem where I have gotten stuck is I don't have the financial backing to keep the engine running, to keep it going. And I think part of it has been for me is pride. [00:22:00] Don't want to ask people for help.
And I think People will help if you ask them if they believe in the work that you're doing, but I have, I have been the kind of person that has been, you know, somewhat prideful when it comes to asking people for help. I have definitely gotten better because with the documentary, I had to ask for help and because it was mostly self funded with me and my husband, but I did have some generous donors who helped out as well.
But I recognize. That I can't do these things alone. I need support. I need support to keep them all going. I need support for the truth parties to continue because they were very valuable. I need support with the documentary. I need support with the back to school, no stress camps that I provide for teens.
I need the support. So I recognize that I can't do it alone. If I want to keep these things going, I have to ask for help. So that's why I am applying for a 501c3, making it a [00:23:00] non profit, so then that way I can keep these very valuable programs, if you will, going because I feel like they are a benefit to the community.
So here I am right now, like I said, the documentary has been completed, but we need to gain sponsors for viewing. Cause as you know, everything costs, there is nothing free. And like I said, the ladies who have lended their stories, you know, having them come out and, you know, Should continue to share their stories and lend more to the stories after the, after the viewing of the documentary, I think it's so valuable, but in order to do that and to tour it in different places and spaces, it does require the financial means to do so.
So I'm definitely excited about the future of all these projects, because, like I said, I completed, I'm in the process of, completing a 501c3, making becoming a non profit behind the 90 Foundation.[00:24:00] Again, there's that 90%, like I said, and that 90 percent represents a person's story. So I'm very much interested in telling people's stories.
On podcasts through docu series, I'm very much interested in telling stories because I recognize telling stories helped. To connect us to one another because it says, Oh, I'm not alone. You encounter that you've experienced that and it creates that dialogue. It expands the reach and it builds community around various stories that we need to talk about.
And I'm so happy to do so. And that's why I encourage anyone. If you want to share your story, you can reach out at behindthe90@gmail.com. That's behind the 90 at gmail.com. I would love to hear your story 'cause I know it's through our stories that we, again, that we connect with one another and we grow and prosper.
I'm so [00:25:00] grateful for the people that have supported me throughout the years that have, that has helped me get to where I am today. Because without those, without individuals that, without the support of individuals, I would not be where I am today. So I, I don't take it lightly where I am. I have a very supportive husband.
Who's always, he's my, my number one cheerleader. I have my mom, my sister, they're all right there in the same boat. They're all very supportive. My children family and friends, they're like, Hey, what is Nika up to now? But they know whatever I am up to. It's always about relationships, building healthy, solid relationships.
And I don't take that for granted at all because think about it. Most of the disturbance that we experience in life is due to a relationship or the lack thereof, making it very necessary to understand [00:26:00] who you are so that you can, so you can understand how you show up. In your relationship, we all need to be mindful of how we show up in our relationships because it will determine success or failure.
Now, I'm not a perfect person. I don't claim to be, but one thing I can say, I am intentional about how I show up with my husband. With my kids, with my mom, with my sister, with my family and my friends, I'm always conscious of how I show up. And I think it's important that we all recognize and learn each other.
You wish we should all learn each other. I know what my husband likes. I know what his boundaries are. He knows what my boundaries are. And if you know a person long enough. If we're building relationships, we should know that person and be mindful of, okay, this is who Nika is. [00:27:00] This is who this person is.
We should show up in ways that says, I know who you are and I respect who you are. So therefore, I'm going to show up in a way that. Continues to build in our relationships. And I think it's so important that we continue to be intentional about building in our relationships, being mindful of how we show up in our relationships.
But before we can do that, we have to tap into what our stories are and how our stories impact how we show up with people, be it good or bad.
Thanks for joining today's episode. If you enjoyed the story time, don't forget to subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Google Podcasts. Leave us a review. and share with your friends to help us reach more listeners. Stay tuned for more insightful stories. Until next time, take [00:28:00] care and keep exploring new connections with us.
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