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Hello and welcome to Revolutionize Your Love Life.

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Do you want to know more about love relationships?

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What makes them work?

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How to create the one of your best dreams?

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Do you want to be in a really healthy, juicy love relationship?

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In these podcasts we will give ideas and practical advice to light your way.

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Whether you're looking for a love partner, already in a relationship, you wish could

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be better, or leaving one that has run its course.

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There will be something to inspire, empower and support you.

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Revolutionize Your Love Life is a fortnightly podcast where you will access the knowledge

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and wisdom of love, experts and relationship coaches from across the world to help you

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find true fulfillment in love.

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I am your host, Heather Garbett.

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Welcome.

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I'm asked a lot how conscious uncoupling works.

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I'd like to give you a brief overview today about that.

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Quite often at the beginning when people come in for coaching or for therapy, when they're

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in the process of separation and divorce, they're in a very highly emotional state,

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quite often triggered to early attachment style stages, that sort of core old beliefs

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of "I'm not good enough, I'm not wanted, I don't belong."

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Those powerful things that we've come to believe about ourselves when we were very young.

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So we can feel like we're two and in the nursery and nobody's interested in us, or we've

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been abandoned.

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So the first piece in conscious uncoupling is actually to help you stabilize your mood,

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calm your feelings, just be kind to yourself and understand yourself.

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It's cutting yourself some slack, but it's deeper than that.

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It's really going into what you feel and what you need and learning how to look after your

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own feelings and needs.

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So as you withdraw from a relationship, the expectation that the other person is going

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to look after your needs is obviously really diminished.

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That's the old agreement you had, and whether that worked or not, that's an end to that agreement.

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The next stage is a real reclamation of you, it's remembering who you are as an individual

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rather than part of a couple.

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And that is an extension of your self-care, really doing the things that you like to do

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and being with the people that you know like and trust and feel a good commitment from,

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then you can feel calmer and clearer.

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The important thing about when we're triggered is the centers of our brain are different.

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We actually have more blood supply at the panic bit of our brain and less at the thinking

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bit of our brain.

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So we're more likely to be reacting from fight and flight, freeze or fawning even.

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And that's really important if you're making big decisions about your life, that you're

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not doing it from that reactive place, but a much more thought through responsive place.

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So the next piece would be to create an intention.

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This is for what you would ideally like to come out of the situation.

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So that could be that you separate out well, you work out ways of managing the finances

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between you so that you can both have a life, that you manage childcare between you so that

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you can both be good parents together.

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You can be one family in two homes rather than a pulled apart family and nobody feels

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like they've got a home.

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Those things are so important.

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So we get a really clear idea of what you want and then that is it's like your destination

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that you put into Google Maps.

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So then every decision you make, you measure it against whether you're going towards that

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goal or veering off and it will really, really help you stay clear about what you want.

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It's good as well because we're bound to get triggered along the way to have a self-soosing

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saying that you just say to yourself, you know, it's like, it's all going to be all

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right, darling, I've got you.

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You've got all the support that you need.

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Just keep walking towards the horizon is what one of my good friends said to me.

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So helpful, so helpful and really deepen into any other methods of self-care.

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So you might be a yoga person, you might be a swimming person, you might be an art world

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person or music person, theatre person, a meditation person, whatever you like, do more

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of that feeds your soul, that calms you, that gives you pleasure, that lifts your spirits

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because that's the place you want to be making decisions from, not being depressed and shut

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in at night with Netflix.

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Step two in the programme is looking at what's happened and how.

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Most of us when we part from our exes will have a victimised story, excuse me, will have

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a victimised story.

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He did that, she didn't care about me anymore, he was more bothered about football and he

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was about talking to me.

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He didn't do his role as a father, she was never home, whatever your story is about the

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other.

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We acknowledge that and then we'll probably have been bad behaviour on their part but

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also probably less than appropriate behaviour on your own because of how you saw things.

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Our most intimate relationships bring up the most raw of feelings and in parting it's

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worse but even when we're in a marriage or relationship we get triggered to earlier stages

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of development.

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So quite often you can find yourself giving away your power as if the other person is

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a parent telling you what to do or saying how things will be or you will dominate in that

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way, telling the other person what they should do and how they should be.

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It can be that you've grown apart through not making enough time for the relationship,

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become co-workers in a family or just co-workers in a household.

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You may just have drifted apart, one of you may have had an affair, there's lots of painful

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stuff to deal with but we look at how you were thinking, feeling and behaving that might

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have contributed to that even if it's only your 3% because that's where your learning

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is so you can grow and be more powerful for yourself, taking care of yourself and any

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children and your money and all of that, it's really important and it gives you the opportunity

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to learn for future relationships so you don't go and choose the same type of person all over

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again or the opposite which is quite often what we do before we learn, we go one way

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and the other.

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And that's my goal for you, that you can learn from this and grow from this, become

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more of the person you're meant to be, more fully you, more expressed, more confident,

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more able to choose from a clear perspective rather than a needy or desperate one, feeling

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like you're left on the shelf or nobody's going to want you so you better accept the

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first one that chooses you, that sort of thing.

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We trace back where your motivation for giving your power away or dimming your light, being

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less than you could have been antagonistic in the relationship, is it really about that

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or is there also roots and root into the past?

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And in step 3 that's where we go, we find those roots where the blueprints were drawn

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up in our relational life early on.

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Catherine calls it a source fracture story.

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So when we were first let down, neglected, abused even and what sense we made of it and

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what decisions we made on a fundamentally unconscious level about how we would be in

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relationships, how we would protect ourselves and sometimes that can just be through excessive

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self-quitucism.

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Ironically, that's protective but it is, it is because you get there first, you don't

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take it in from anybody else.

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And it might be that because you've been so let down, you've become outrageously independent

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and that is a protection against vulnerability and any further hurt.

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So these things may have happened in your childhood, you may not even be conscious of

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them.

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Quite often when I'm doing this work, things become uncovered that are completely unexpected

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and enlightening because when we shine lights into those dark corners, so much is revealed

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that we can then start to live separate from rather than having an underlying control.

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We can choose, ah, ah right, I see, I'm responding from my four-year-old self today.

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How can I calm myself?

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What is the truth about me really?

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And quite often, you know, let's think of what I would say.

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I remember being in a school classroom and being asked to do mental arithmetic and I

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couldn't do it because I was so anxious, I couldn't do it.

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It was in front of the class.

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I couldn't do it.

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And I was shamed by the teacher who said, "How can such a bright girl be so stupid?"

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So I've got a thing, it's the ironic thing I'm sitting here talking to you about being

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seen and being heard.

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This is a big innovation for me to be able to do this.

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But for years, I've played small, safe and hidden, so never to risk that sort of approbation

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or shaming again.

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So I've always given way, acquiesced, gone along with, um, what would another thing be?

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Well, I've just not been visible to myself, just been fearful of ever standing up and

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speaking up for myself.

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That's changed as a result of doing this work.

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But you can see how that would colour a relationship.

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There wouldn't have been room for me in it.

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I would just have been a going along, like the pet in the relationship.

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Really not powerful at all.

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So finding the deeper truth about myself in that is actually I'm a very confident person.

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I've got lots to say.

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I'm clever.

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I don't know how many degrees.

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I'm clever.

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I've got qualifications and academically proven.

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I can do my account so I'm not sick when it comes to sums.

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I've lived this long and managed my money.

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So all of those things are truths I can tell myself.

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I wasn't here to be alone.

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I'm here to love and be loved and to have the richest of relationships.

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And the other people that I let close to me are really kind to me would never shame me

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or supportive and loving and encouraging.

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And life itself gives me opportunities all the time.

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I feel the universe is at my back supporting me, encouraging me forwards.

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So those would be examples of power statements that can really make you know what's true

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about you rather than the old truths from when you were young.

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And getting in touch with the new you you'll learn new ways of relating and you'll learn

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new skills in relationship and with the world that go along with that.

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It's very powerful.

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You become more you.

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I have become more me.

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I speak up.

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I speak out.

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I'm doing this.

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I've had podcasts of over 50 now, podcasts where I'm visible and audible.

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I do Facebook lives.

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I speak publicly.

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That would never have happened before I did this work.

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So in step four, we go to generating a positive future.

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This is creating a relationship based on that new intention and new agreements between you.

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There may be practical simple things like actually you don't walk into each other's

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houses without knocking.

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You don't eat food out of each other's fridges without asking.

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Just those little things that create a distance and separation and a layer of respect that's

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different from when you're married and everything's combined.

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When you're together or living together, everything's combined.

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There may be broader issues where you you agree about children and money and housing.

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Those can come at this point.

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You may need the help of the mediator to deal with that, but you will be speaking up from

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a much more powerful place about your feelings and needs and what's important to you in the

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relationship going forward for your family, for your money.

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It's beautiful work to see when you actually rise up and can speak up for yourself clearly.

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And it's good if you can't have a conversation of clearing the air of acknowledging how you

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contributed to the destruction of the relationship because quite often at the end of a relationship

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it's all you, you, you, not I, I, I.

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You have to be careful because if you're with somebody narcissistic they will seize upon

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this and work out destroying your power.

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So with them the boundaries are different.

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But on the whole, if you're with somebody wholesome from whom you've drifted apart,

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this is the way to go, clear the air.

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And there's a mechanism for doing that.

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And if it's not safe to be with them to do that, to have that conversation, we can do

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an as if experience in our coaching so that you can get to say all that you want to say

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and be heard.

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And we visualize a positive, clear response.

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So this cleanses all of the mess out of you.

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You get to say all the things.

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You get some closure even if the other person isn't there.

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And if they are wholesome and there's a good future together, you learn through this path

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new ways to communicate new relationship skills that allow you to cooperate around children

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and family or to part and separate out easily, freely working out who else is affected by

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your breakup, taking care of them in the most kind way that you can.

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I'll reduce for this.

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It may be that friends and further family are affected.

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And you just want to be very clear about them that you're not going to bad mouth your ex-partner.

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You might not want to be in the same room with you all, but it might be that you'll

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want further down the line to be able to be in the same room to do weddings or funerals

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or whatever.

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And you don't need an overlay of unresolved stuff there.

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So learning to communicate and plan ahead is part of the program at that point.

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Especially as well in the last stage, going into any old agreements that you had.

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You know, this is things like your wedding vows or along the other love you.

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We talk to each other every day.

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Or, I don't know, we don't speak about our relationship outside.

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Those are old agreements that might not serve you going forwards.

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I don't mean you're going to talk about your relationship and bad mouth them, but you know,

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tell people in a very clear way that you have drifted apart, that you have decided you

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don't want to be together and you decided together and this is how you're going forwards.

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And you can separate out well.

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And if you allow that to be in the relationship with all of your friends and family, then the

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systems will calm down too.

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You work out the new agreements you're going to have with them.

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And that can be, I always have the children on a Sunday.

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You always have them on a Wednesday evening, whatever it is.

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And you'll develop new skills and ways of being that really live into those new agreements

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and that intention that you set right at the beginning.

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So that is conscious uncoupling in the nutshell.

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If you would like to work with me, you'll see that there's a link for a free half hour

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exploration call.

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You're welcome to do that.

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Or you can email me on Heather@heathergobot.com or phone me on 07808776150.

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That's a UK number.

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So if you're calling from outside the UK, it's plus 4.4 instead of the first zero.

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My heart is with you if you are going through separation or divorce because it's a radical

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thing to go through.

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I'm holding you in my heart.

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Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.

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I'd like to know what has been your biggest takeaway from this conversation.

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To take a minute and share this with us and visit us on our Facebook page.

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You can connect with me personally on my email at heathergobot.com.

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If you can think of someone who will benefit from listening to this podcast, please do

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share it with them.

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If you have any feedback on how I can improve it, please do reach out to me as I'm always

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keen to learn more.

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Thank you so much again for listening.

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And we'll meet again on the next episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.

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Thank you.

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[Music]

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JINNY