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Hello and welcome to Revolutionize Your Love Life.

Do you want to know more about love relationships?

What makes them work?

How to create the one of your best dreams?

Do you want to be in a really healthy,

juicy love relationship?

In these podcasts, we will give ideas and

practical advice to light your way.

Whether you're looking for a love partner,

already in a relationship, you wish could be better.

Or leaving one that has run its course.

There will be something to inspire, empower, and support you.

Revolutionize Your Love Life is a fortnightly podcast where you will access

the knowledge and wisdom of love experts and

relationship coaches from across the world to help you find true fulfillment in love.

I am your host, Heather Garbett.

Welcome.

The healthy techniques of setting good boundaries in relationships just

won't work if you're in a relationship with a narcissistic person.

We will talk about the race of behaving, which keep you safe and in your power,

and stop narcissistic abuse.

Common techniques just will give them power and they will use it against you.

I'm Avandra Sun, and here is Heather Garbett, and

we are both love and relationship coaches.

It's our intention for every one of you here that wants to have happy,

healthy, fulfilled love that you find it, hold it, and keep it.

And in these podcasts around toxic relationships and narcissism,

we look at that journey from being in relationship with or

attracting the wrong kind of partner who controls you,

shames you, bullies you, invalidates your feelings and needs, and

tries to make you as dependent on them as possible.

So we asked the question first, how do they do this and what can you do about it?

So they don't take responsibility for their behavior and the probability of the relationship.

They usually are only interested in their emotional supply or

support you can give to them.

And they are really always the center of attention.

They always know the best, what is the best for them, but also best for others.

And if you don't agree, they blame and shame you.

So they want you to be emotional.

They want you to be emotional to have the power and control.

Because when you are triggered, they can control, they can manipulate,

they can play with you.

So if there isn't, they rarely use the techniques of gaslighting or

punishing or blaming, they put you down and they literally get in your victim mode.

That you are powerless.

So you sort of go into an emotional state, you're in that fight and flight.

So all the bloods at the back of your head, you can't think clearly.

And somehow they become more authority than you.

You can get confused, you can get brain fog.

And they're keeping you there because that means that they are getting

supplied by you for their emotional, practical financial needs.

And they really know how to press your buttons.

>> Yeah, I know.

Yeah, it's the reason why common techniques of setting boundaries doesn't

work here.

Because usually when you want to say what you don't like and

express your feelings and need and then you actually express what you really want,

they will immediately use this against you.

They will use your feelings or what you need against you.

So people feel really powerless in these relationships.

Because they try to build a relationship and it's impossible and

they are trying over and over again.

I always are feeling hurt and in pain.

Because it's look like that nobody is understanding them.

Nobody is there for them.

They don't feel the proper interest of the narcissistic person.

Only sometimes when it's the love-bonging stage.

They show like the day you like or they are interested.

But it's usually very artificial only on the surface.

But actually victims of narcissistic abuse, they usually don't,

you can't see that at the beginning.

Because it quite often arises as they're not

a narcissistic person is the best thing ever.

Because they really tune in to all the little things that you say that you want.

And they end up in the first instance to provide them.

So they love-bonging you.

They get you to be dependent on them.

They get you to be attached to them.

So then you are putty in their hands.

And they can get whatever they want from you because you're just trying to please them.

They'll invalidate your feelings.

They'll invalidate your needs.

They'll make you feel like you're a bit crazy for wanting even the most basic respect.

Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah, it's so painful.

So when we say that setting up boundaries,

it's not working here because you are giving them the tools or the weapon against you,

the power you give them, the power of this.

What you can do and what you can do, it's really protect your boundaries.

To really set up powerful boundaries that you can,

you don't allow them to cross them.

And it's of course, it's practice.

It's not easy.

But you can and you can learn it through at first stage of your protection.

Be observer.

The observer is happening.

Because narcissistic people are very predictable.

They usually behave in very similar way over and over again.

If you want something, they get angry, then they talk to you for some time, for example,

or they leave.

Yeah.

So when you really see what they do, you can observe that they do it over and over again.

And then you start to observe their behavior.

You can keep more distance from it.

Yeah.

It's first step like starting to create the distance to protect yourself and go back

to yourself because most of your attention is probably on them at this moment.

Because you want to figure out why he behaves this way and why and still likes trying to

like understand their behavior.

Why is he a can't understand that?

It's impossible.

So focus back to you and just observe.

Yes, absolutely.

And remember you're an equal person in this relationship and your feelings and needs really

matter.

So you need to trip up the conversations that can get into winding you up emotionally.

Keep them short.

Minimize the opportunity for mental and emotional abuse and manipulation.

Don't give them time to shame and blame you.

Or get you into an agitated state.

Yeah.

So it's so important.

If you can keep the conversation short and there are good, really good two techniques.

We call them gray rock and yellow rock and gray rock.

It's that you talk only the facts.

And it's usually when you already know that this is not a autistic person

and you can't leave them because usually the best protection of yourself is to leave them.

But if you can't leave your boss or your partner or another person in your life,

it can be even brother or mother, just try to gray rock.

Limit your contacts and be gray rock, which means like you talk mostly facts and not much emotions.

But if you are talking to them in presence of other people or if you send them email

and you think and feel that probably more people will read and you can be sure that it will.

It's better to use yellow rock because you can put little, you can be more polite.

Facts plus also like some thank you or please or a little bit of emotions, but only a little bit.

Because sometimes these narcissistic people start to blame you.

Look at her.

She's so cold.

You know, she's so cold and she left me or

she wants to leave me, pull me, would I go do our kids or something?

So if you are trying to be gray rock in front of other people, they might be more like,

might be more on the side of an autistic person because they always blame you also,

even one of the others.

And they will always find something.

How can they blame you?

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

And if you do get caught in a conversation with them and you can feel that things are going that

way, you can feel the tension rising or the emotional attacks coming along.

Talk about something they like that will distract them because they really will want to

talk about things that are their passions and they excite them.

So have a list of those things sort of up your sleeve in advance because if you're trying to

think of it in the moment when you're stressed, you won't have them there in advance and just

drop them into the conversation and create a diversion.

Yeah, this is so good idea, especially you need to know their subjects.

They really love to talk about.

There is another good point.

It's ride the diary or really write down what is happening.

It's important that you protect your diary or you protect your files in your computer because

they are very cheeky.

They can get to your computer or they can find your passwords.

They can even find your diary.

So be really, be really careful because they are like able to really

stalk you in minutes.

And it's another thing people even sometimes say, "No, they can't do it.

They will not do it."

Yes, they will.

It happens so often.

Yeah, so write your diary and please start to write it as soon as possible because when you,

if you were under narcissistic abuse for a long time, your brain starts to justify

or approach their behavior.

You know, they always, all day say, "Oh, he had bad mood or it's not so bad if they do the

laugh-bombing. You completely forget about the bad stuff."

Because your brain created the protection mechanisms to ignore stuff or not to really

think about it too long.

Yeah, so it's so important that you start to actually write it down.

That actually that you know what was happening because I can tell you that so many

clients don't know.

And then if they have that note and go back, they can't believe that it's simply happening

over and over again.

Yeah, so it's really, it's really so important to really find the evidence because I really

see that your partner is narcissist.

You need to have the evidence.

You need to know that it's true.

And we sometimes dismiss this true because we don't want to take it.

Because it's so shocking sometimes for people.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

Yeah, and it's important as well.

I know if you've got text messages where there's been abuse or what's that messages or

emails, just keep those to remind you.

Because if the other person gets into gaslighting you, they'll say, "I never said that.

I never did that."

And it will make you doubt your sanity.

But if you've got it written down and you've got it photographed and saved,

under a password that you have never used before for anything else,

then you've got a record of your own track of events that keeps you saying, keeps you

autonomous and keeps you in your power while you make a plan to how you're going to survive

this relationship or how you're going to leave it.

Yeah.

So, you were talking about how you can protect yourself, how you can protect your boundaries

and yourself not to be even more abused.

Because it's really painful what they do.

It's painful emotionally.

It goes to your belief system.

It's also very risky for your health.

And if you realize that the person is not the sis, it's so important to leave.

And what I say to my clients when they ask me, "I'm not sure.

Is he an narcissist?"

I always tell them, "It doesn't matter if he is an artist or that he has only an artistic

behavior or traits.

The most important is how we want to feel analytically.

What you really want to experience in your life?"

And if it's okay for you, if he behaves or she behaves in this way,

and this is the most important.

How you want to live, do you want to live the life where you feel free and fully self-expressed

or diminished and really closed and of inferior.

This is your choice.

And if you see that you are not happy, but you can't live immediately,

this is the protection you can set up for yourself.

But at the same time, you need to create a plan.

How to leave.

Yeah.

And sometimes people need a lot of time to create a plan and maybe find financial

resources or some friends or another people who they can help them.

I have clients who need it around three years to prepare themselves for leaving,

because sometimes you need to be also strong enough to do it,

because so many people in the field might happen afterwards.

Yes.

Yeah, so what?

So it's important that you take your time and get ready.

Lovely.

Thank you so much, Eva.

Thank you, Hedra.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.

I'd like to know what has been your biggest takeaway from this conversation.

Do take a minute and share this with us and visit us on our Facebook page.

You can connect with me personally on my email at heather@heathergarbitt.com.

If you can think of someone who will benefit from listening to this podcast,

please do share it with them.

If you have any feedback on how I can improve it,

please do reach out to me as I'm always keen to learn more.

Thank you so much again for listening, and we'll meet again on the next episode of

Revolutionize Your Love Life.

You are good.

You are good through my heart.

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