[MUSIC]

Hello and welcome to Revolutionize Your Love Life.

Do you want to know more about love relationships?

What makes them work?

How to create the one of your best dreams?

Do you want to be in a really healthy,

juicy love relationship?

In these podcasts, we will give ideas and

practical advice to light your way.

Whether you're looking for a love partner,

already in a relationship, you wish could be better.

Or leaving one that has run its course.

There will be something to inspire, empower and support you.

Revolutionize Your Love Life is a fortnightly podcast where you will access

the knowledge and wisdom of love experts and

relationship coaches from across the world to help you find true fulfillment in love.

I am your host, Heather Garbett.

Welcome.

Hi, today we're going to talk about gaslighting.

This is an important aspect of toxic relationships.

Where if you are being gaslighted, you begin to doubt your own perception.

And this disempowers you, it harms you, it demeans and

diminishes you and can make you feel quite crazy.

>> Yeah, it's very, very toxic tool and very dangerous tool.

The gaslighter usually wants to get control and

really manipulate you in the way that you start to doubt about your reality,

about your inner assumptions.

You start to think that you are even crazy because they soon

much change what you said.

They just say, I didn't say it or they create a confusion in different topics.

>> Yeah, so they can twist your words, they deny what you've said.

They deny what they've said.

So you can be having this conversation one day and

you think you've come to an agreement.

And the next day you refer back to it and he or she will say,

never said that and you're sure that you did.

But they're saying you didn't.

>> And they blame you that you don't remember well.

>> Yeah, you've got a silly memory.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Must be something wrong with you.

So this is part of the power and control relationship.

It's an establishment of power.

Gaslighting is a brilliant tool for establishing power and

giving you all the responsibility to make it okay.

>> Yeah, so they all-

>> Store balance, sorry.

>> Sorry.

>> It goes like they always diminish your feelings or experience.

Yeah, they always even start to stop you to see some people,

your friends or family.

And usually they create the environment for you when you can

start to feel really lonely.

Because for them it's to get the control.

It's make you feel confused, lonely, and live vulnerable.

>> Yeah, yeah, really vulnerable.

And they want you to be cut off from your friends and

families from any other support that gives a different perception from them.

And you are a supply to them.

They need it for their ego.

They need you to pander to them for their ego.

So they will do whatever they can.

They'll create drama.

They'll minimize, they'll tease in a nasty way and

then they'll minimize your reaction.

They'll say you haven't got any sense of humor.

I was only joking.

And yet in healthy relationships, those are things that are considered

beyond the pale.

They're disrespectful, they're unkind, they're wounding, damaging.

And yet in that realm, it becomes the norm.

And you start little by little to think that it's you and

you start to accept it and think there's something wrong with you if you don't.

It's that classic, it's just locker room banter.

No, it isn't.

It's malicious.

>> Yeah, and what is important sign of

coslighting is also that manipulator, cosleader,

start to blame for his mistakes or his behavior.

So it's very confusing because they do something but they blame you that you did it.

And you feel you can my fairly betrayed or confused or

like, like think, it's impossible how you can say this and

you start to fight against it.

But because they are already under their control,

they punish you the way that you start to even doubt if you did it or not.

So it's really dangerous because they really control you through fear and

like insecurity.

>> Yeah, yeah.

And the other thing they will do is to whether it's true or not,

they will say that everybody else agrees with them.

Everybody else in your friendship group or your family can see that they're

really looking after you and that they're even dating down being with you.

And that you really need them to be of value in the world and

the stuff that goes on, nobody else will ever want you.

Because you're just really not that good.

You're not that valuable as a human being.

You've got nothing to offer.

>> Yeah, it's so dangerous because it's really diminish your self-confluence or

seeing value in yourself.

Because in some time you start to doubt your thoughts, your feelings, your needs.

You start to feel that what is important to you.

It's actually not important to you.

You start to think that I think it's more important than what the orgas like to think.

And it goes to big confusion.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

So it's happening in all relationships you can even imagine.

It happens between partners and loving relationships.

But also you can experience this with your parents or

with your siblings or even in the work, and to work with your colleagues or

with your boss.

So sometimes when you have this experience in your work,

you can see that your boss is taking what you did as his or

his like achievements.

Yeah, so it can really, you can only find this cause lighting techniques

been used in different environments.

>> Yeah, yeah.

Although they'll be given a task that they don't feel up to and

they're too vulnerable in themselves to do it.

So they'll give it to you.

Quite often this is at work knowing that it's beyond you.

And it's not really your pay grade to do.

And they'll give you an unreasonable deadline and

then blame and shame you if it doesn't happen.

If you pull all the rabbits out the hat and you create something wonderful,

they'll take the credit.

If it falls down, they'll blame you.

So they can keep their own ego really well protected and make you responsible.

So should we look at a little bit about what you need to do?

You know, to the technical.

It's really important to find back who you are.

Because they actually go to get you.

So they really want you to really lose your identity, lose your authenticity.

And one of the first steps, it's support help.

Or it'll start to see how you can start to trust yourself again and

see your confidence again.

>> As we were chatting before, you mentioned an important point ever,

which we haven't covered.

And that is the real danger sign when you believe that the gas-lighted person,

their opinion of you is more true than your own.

And you will feel that their authority is right and that they're good for you.

So that's the fullest extreme when you've really lost your identity.

>> Yeah, so-

>> This is so dangerous that we start to think that without this person,

we would be nothing, that we need to wait for their validation.

We need to wait for their confirmation.

And we think that it's good for us.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah, we are so apologetic to their behavior.

And we are thinking that it's the best word we can have in our life because

they know better than us, what is good for us.

And we believe in that, that it's true.

Yeah, it's the last stage of being us-lighted.

You even stop really think that you have the validation for yourself.

>> Yeah, so this is a big red flashing light.

If you are beginning to think that the other person's view of you is more true

than how you used to think about yourself, how were you?

How did you see yourself before you met this person?

That's more the true you.

Hold on to that identity.

Trust your instincts, stick to your friends and family.

They may have got fed up with listening to your stories and

they know that this person is not good for you and they've been telling you to leave,

swallow your pride, go and be with them.

Get some therapy from somebody who really knows their stuff.

>> Yeah, this is so, so important to really seek for a help.

Because people who experience those lighting in long term,

they can experience a lot of anxiety attacks, depression,

some trauma or even stuff to trust themselves.

Yeah, so it's so important to realize that being in toxic relationship,

and especially with narcissistic people who use those lighting a lot,

is that you can suffer later on with severe problems,

healthy problems, also like I had clients with cancer or

huge pain in their back or other clinical symptoms.

>> Yeah, of storing your stress in your body.

Your body will tell you this is wrong, do something.

>> Yeah, because for long term in this relationship,

you can actually go through from fear to anxiety that you will do mistake.

That you will be invalidated again.

And so that fear you stop to express yourself.

You may be in constant stress.

>> Yeah, yeah, trying not to put a foot wrong.

Walking on eggshells, I think the thing is, yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> So give yourself time, get support, make a plan.

Don't tell the gas light of the plan.

If it's possible, cut all ties with them when you've left.

And be wary of their love bombing.

They might implore you to go back.

They might say they're falling apart without you.

They really need you and they're desperate.

Because quite often this comes from a victim position.

They'll bully you one way or another to go back and be their supply.

They may shame you, they may be needy.

They may offer you the things that you said you always wanted.

Don't listen.

Go somewhere safe.

Get help and give yourself time to recover.

>> Yeah, this is so, so important.

Also, what I would say that study more about gas lighting or

toxic relationships because the awareness is starting point for

knowing what you are facing.

Because if you're unaware of what is actually happening with you,

you might be also confused or you don't know what is it.

And when we don't know, we can't do anything with it.

So when we start to know and have the awareness around it and

knowledge, and we start to actually search more confidently for the help.

Because what we do usually because that as light as you said,

they do the love bombing if they think that they might lose you.

So this is the big confusion.

They are so nice.

They are so amazing charismatic people.

So as we apologize, their behavior when they are nasty to you.

And then you are in this circle.

So really study more about this.

>> Yeah, get empowered, get support, get away.

>> Yeah, and connect back with your intuition and your instincts.

Yeah, because it's so important for you to get back connected to who you really are.

It's supposed to get away from this painful relationship.

>> Yeah, thank you, Eva.

That's really cool.

Thank you, Heather.

>> Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.

I'd like to know what has been your biggest takeaway from this conversation.

Do take a minute and share this with us and visit us on our Facebook page.

You can connect with me personally on my email at Heather@HeatherGarbert.com.

If you can think of someone who will benefit from listening to this podcast, please do

share it with them.

If you have any feedback on how I can improve it, please do reach out to me as I'm always

keen to learn more.

Thank you so much again for listening.

And we'll meet again on the next episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.

[MUSIC]

[BLANK_AUDIO]