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[MUSIC]

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Hello and welcome to Revolutionize Your Love Life.

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Do you want to know more about love relationships?

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What makes them work?

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How to create the one of your best dreams?

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Do you want to be in a really healthy,

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juicy love relationship?

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In these podcasts, we will give ideas and

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practical advice to light your way.

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Whether you're looking for a love partner,

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already in a relationship, you wish could be better.

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Or leaving one that has run its course.

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There will be something to inspire, empower and support you.

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Revolutionize Your Love Life is a fortnightly podcast where you will access

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the knowledge and wisdom of love experts and

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relationship coaches from across the world to help you find true fulfillment in love.

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I am your host, Heather Garbett.

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Welcome.

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Hi, today we're going to talk about gaslighting.

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This is an important aspect of toxic relationships.

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Where if you are being gaslighted, you begin to doubt your own perception.

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And this disempowers you, it harms you, it demeans and

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diminishes you and can make you feel quite crazy.

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>> Yeah, it's very, very toxic tool and very dangerous tool.

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The gaslighter usually wants to get control and

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really manipulate you in the way that you start to doubt about your reality,

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about your inner assumptions.

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You start to think that you are even crazy because they soon

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much change what you said.

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They just say, I didn't say it or they create a confusion in different topics.

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>> Yeah, so they can twist your words, they deny what you've said.

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They deny what they've said.

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So you can be having this conversation one day and

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you think you've come to an agreement.

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And the next day you refer back to it and he or she will say,

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never said that and you're sure that you did.

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But they're saying you didn't.

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>> And they blame you that you don't remember well.

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>> Yeah, you've got a silly memory.

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>> Yeah.

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>> Yeah.

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>> Must be something wrong with you.

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So this is part of the power and control relationship.

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It's an establishment of power.

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Gaslighting is a brilliant tool for establishing power and

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giving you all the responsibility to make it okay.

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>> Yeah, so they all-

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>> Store balance, sorry.

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>> Sorry.

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>> It goes like they always diminish your feelings or experience.

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Yeah, they always even start to stop you to see some people,

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your friends or family.

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And usually they create the environment for you when you can

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start to feel really lonely.

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Because for them it's to get the control.

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It's make you feel confused, lonely, and live vulnerable.

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>> Yeah, yeah, really vulnerable.

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And they want you to be cut off from your friends and

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families from any other support that gives a different perception from them.

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And you are a supply to them.

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They need it for their ego.

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They need you to pander to them for their ego.

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So they will do whatever they can.

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They'll create drama.

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They'll minimize, they'll tease in a nasty way and

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then they'll minimize your reaction.

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They'll say you haven't got any sense of humor.

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I was only joking.

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And yet in healthy relationships, those are things that are considered

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beyond the pale.

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They're disrespectful, they're unkind, they're wounding, damaging.

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And yet in that realm, it becomes the norm.

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And you start little by little to think that it's you and

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you start to accept it and think there's something wrong with you if you don't.

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It's that classic, it's just locker room banter.

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No, it isn't.

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It's malicious.

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>> Yeah, and what is important sign of

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coslighting is also that manipulator, cosleader,

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start to blame for his mistakes or his behavior.

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So it's very confusing because they do something but they blame you that you did it.

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And you feel you can my fairly betrayed or confused or

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like, like think, it's impossible how you can say this and

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you start to fight against it.

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But because they are already under their control,

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they punish you the way that you start to even doubt if you did it or not.

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So it's really dangerous because they really control you through fear and

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like insecurity.

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>> Yeah, yeah.

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And the other thing they will do is to whether it's true or not,

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they will say that everybody else agrees with them.

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Everybody else in your friendship group or your family can see that they're

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really looking after you and that they're even dating down being with you.

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And that you really need them to be of value in the world and

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the stuff that goes on, nobody else will ever want you.

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Because you're just really not that good.

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You're not that valuable as a human being.

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You've got nothing to offer.

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>> Yeah, it's so dangerous because it's really diminish your self-confluence or

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seeing value in yourself.

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Because in some time you start to doubt your thoughts, your feelings, your needs.

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You start to feel that what is important to you.

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It's actually not important to you.

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You start to think that I think it's more important than what the orgas like to think.

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And it goes to big confusion.

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>> Yeah.

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>> Yeah.

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So it's happening in all relationships you can even imagine.

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It happens between partners and loving relationships.

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But also you can experience this with your parents or

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with your siblings or even in the work, and to work with your colleagues or

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with your boss.

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So sometimes when you have this experience in your work,

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you can see that your boss is taking what you did as his or

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his like achievements.

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Yeah, so it can really, you can only find this cause lighting techniques

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been used in different environments.

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>> Yeah, yeah.

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Although they'll be given a task that they don't feel up to and

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they're too vulnerable in themselves to do it.

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So they'll give it to you.

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Quite often this is at work knowing that it's beyond you.

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And it's not really your pay grade to do.

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And they'll give you an unreasonable deadline and

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then blame and shame you if it doesn't happen.

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If you pull all the rabbits out the hat and you create something wonderful,

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they'll take the credit.

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If it falls down, they'll blame you.

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So they can keep their own ego really well protected and make you responsible.

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So should we look at a little bit about what you need to do?

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You know, to the technical.

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It's really important to find back who you are.

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Because they actually go to get you.

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So they really want you to really lose your identity, lose your authenticity.

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And one of the first steps, it's support help.

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Or it'll start to see how you can start to trust yourself again and

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see your confidence again.

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>> As we were chatting before, you mentioned an important point ever,

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which we haven't covered.

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And that is the real danger sign when you believe that the gas-lighted person,

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their opinion of you is more true than your own.

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And you will feel that their authority is right and that they're good for you.

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So that's the fullest extreme when you've really lost your identity.

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>> Yeah, so-

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>> This is so dangerous that we start to think that without this person,

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we would be nothing, that we need to wait for their validation.

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We need to wait for their confirmation.

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And we think that it's good for us.

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>> Yeah.

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>> Yeah, we are so apologetic to their behavior.

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And we are thinking that it's the best word we can have in our life because

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they know better than us, what is good for us.

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And we believe in that, that it's true.

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Yeah, it's the last stage of being us-lighted.

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You even stop really think that you have the validation for yourself.

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>> Yeah, so this is a big red flashing light.

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If you are beginning to think that the other person's view of you is more true

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than how you used to think about yourself, how were you?

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How did you see yourself before you met this person?

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That's more the true you.

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Hold on to that identity.

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Trust your instincts, stick to your friends and family.

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They may have got fed up with listening to your stories and

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they know that this person is not good for you and they've been telling you to leave,

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swallow your pride, go and be with them.

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Get some therapy from somebody who really knows their stuff.

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>> Yeah, this is so, so important to really seek for a help.

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Because people who experience those lighting in long term,

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they can experience a lot of anxiety attacks, depression,

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some trauma or even stuff to trust themselves.

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Yeah, so it's so important to realize that being in toxic relationship,

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and especially with narcissistic people who use those lighting a lot,

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is that you can suffer later on with severe problems,

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healthy problems, also like I had clients with cancer or

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huge pain in their back or other clinical symptoms.

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>> Yeah, of storing your stress in your body.

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Your body will tell you this is wrong, do something.

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>> Yeah, because for long term in this relationship,

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you can actually go through from fear to anxiety that you will do mistake.

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That you will be invalidated again.

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And so that fear you stop to express yourself.

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You may be in constant stress.

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>> Yeah, yeah, trying not to put a foot wrong.

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Walking on eggshells, I think the thing is, yeah.

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>> Yeah.

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>> So give yourself time, get support, make a plan.

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Don't tell the gas light of the plan.

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If it's possible, cut all ties with them when you've left.

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And be wary of their love bombing.

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They might implore you to go back.

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They might say they're falling apart without you.

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They really need you and they're desperate.

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Because quite often this comes from a victim position.

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They'll bully you one way or another to go back and be their supply.

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They may shame you, they may be needy.

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They may offer you the things that you said you always wanted.

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Don't listen.

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Go somewhere safe.

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Get help and give yourself time to recover.

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>> Yeah, this is so, so important.

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Also, what I would say that study more about gas lighting or

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toxic relationships because the awareness is starting point for

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knowing what you are facing.

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Because if you're unaware of what is actually happening with you,

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you might be also confused or you don't know what is it.

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And when we don't know, we can't do anything with it.

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So when we start to know and have the awareness around it and

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knowledge, and we start to actually search more confidently for the help.

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Because what we do usually because that as light as you said,

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they do the love bombing if they think that they might lose you.

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So this is the big confusion.

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They are so nice.

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They are so amazing charismatic people.

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So as we apologize, their behavior when they are nasty to you.

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And then you are in this circle.

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So really study more about this.

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>> Yeah, get empowered, get support, get away.

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>> Yeah, and connect back with your intuition and your instincts.

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Yeah, because it's so important for you to get back connected to who you really are.

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It's supposed to get away from this painful relationship.

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>> Yeah, thank you, Eva.

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That's really cool.

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Thank you, Heather.

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>> Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.

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I'd like to know what has been your biggest takeaway from this conversation.

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Do take a minute and share this with us and visit us on our Facebook page.

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You can connect with me personally on my email at Heather@HeatherGarbert.com.

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If you can think of someone who will benefit from listening to this podcast, please do

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share it with them.

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If you have any feedback on how I can improve it, please do reach out to me as I'm always

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keen to learn more.

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Thank you so much again for listening.

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And we'll meet again on the next episode of Revolutionize Your Love Life.

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