1 00:00:01,490 --> 00:00:07,000 Friedrich Nietzsche was a German philosopher, poet and cultural critic. 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:12,340 His philosophy, among which is the well-beloved theory of existentialism, which emphasizes 3 00:00:12,340 --> 00:00:17,390 the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent, determining 4 00:00:17,390 --> 00:00:20,510 their own development through acts of will. 5 00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:25,550 Nietzsche turned out to be considered as one of the greatest thinkers of his time, and 6 00:00:25,550 --> 00:00:30,940 his philosophy has shaped the field of philosophy in fundamental ways. 7 00:00:30,940 --> 00:00:36,690 He has written many books, such as ‘Thus Spoke Zarathustra’, ‘The Birth of Tragedy’, 8 00:00:36,690 --> 00:00:41,969 ‘Beyond Good and Evil’ and ‘Human, All Too Human.’ 9 00:00:41,969 --> 00:00:48,400 His theories are known for many life-changing thoughts and concepts, such as ‘God is Dead’ 10 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:53,780 - the notion that urges to move philosophy away from religion and metaphysical thinking. 11 00:00:53,780 --> 00:00:58,500 But what many do not know, as it is generally overshadowed by the greatness of Nietzsche’s 12 00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:04,720 other philosophical work, is that Nietzsche also had opinions on romance, relationships 13 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:08,680 and marriage that can be incredibly helpful. 14 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:13,650 Especially in his lesser-known book, ‘The Gay Science’ or, sometimes translated as 15 00:01:13,650 --> 00:01:19,190 ‘The Joyful Wisdom’ where he discusses interpersonal relationships and romance. 16 00:01:19,190 --> 00:01:25,270 Among the many things that we seek in life, such as happiness, moral guidance, self-fulfillment, 17 00:01:25,270 --> 00:01:31,710 a purpose, and more we also desire a healthy romantic relationship. 18 00:01:31,710 --> 00:01:38,040 Nietzsche would say a healthy relationship is all about friendship and great conversations. 19 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:43,700 Nietzsche has many times been criticized as a misogynist who over-described the so-called 20 00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:48,600 nature of men and women, which is now often recognised as outdated. 21 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:53,920 Although he described the fundamental nature of men and women as inevitably conflicting, 22 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:59,149 making love more like war than peace, many modern readers of Nietzsche have argued that 23 00:01:59,149 --> 00:02:03,930 Nietzsche’s claims about men and women are not actually reflections of his views, but 24 00:02:03,930 --> 00:02:09,640 rather what he perceives society’s image of men and women to be. 25 00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:15,260 In other words, he describes the image that gets pushed onto everybody. 26 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:19,849 It would make sense for this existentialist philosopher to draw attention to this in order 27 00:02:19,849 --> 00:02:25,959 to encourage people to oppose to it, and to define themselves instead of letting themselves 28 00:02:25,959 --> 00:02:29,260 be defined on the basis of their sex. 29 00:02:29,260 --> 00:02:35,140 While we can never be certain whether or not this is true, what is clear is that he appreciated 30 00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:38,190 women for who they were as people. 31 00:02:38,190 --> 00:02:44,270 As for his own love-life: Nietzsche spent most of his life in love with one woman “Lou 32 00:02:44,270 --> 00:02:46,010 Andreas-Salomé”. 33 00:02:46,010 --> 00:02:51,890 He proposed to her on multiple occasions, but got rejected each time again. 34 00:02:51,890 --> 00:02:57,359 However, his solitary existence did not turn him away from the concept of romance and love 35 00:02:57,359 --> 00:03:03,360 - instead, he kept writing about love and relationships in insightful and passionate 36 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:04,500 ways. 37 00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:10,400 Which is why in this video we have compiled four ways on how to have a healthy relationship 38 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:15,080 from the philosophy of Freidrich Nietzsche. 39 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:16,450 1. 40 00:03:16,450 --> 00:03:19,470 Find someone whom you enjoy talking to 41 00:03:19,470 --> 00:03:26,890 Nietzsche says “When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will 42 00:03:26,890 --> 00:03:31,390 be able to converse well with this person into your old age? 43 00:03:31,390 --> 00:03:35,370 Everything else in marriage is transitory.” 44 00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:40,459 According to Nietzsche, one of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship is the 45 00:03:40,459 --> 00:03:42,799 ability to converse well. 46 00:03:42,799 --> 00:03:49,470 In real, deep conversations, people do not talk past or at each other, but truly with 47 00:03:49,470 --> 00:03:51,069 each other. 48 00:03:51,069 --> 00:03:56,170 In these sorts of conversations, they generate something new for the future. 49 00:03:56,170 --> 00:04:02,110 He compares the conversationalist with a midwife, someone able to help deliver their partner’s 50 00:04:02,110 --> 00:04:03,180 thoughts. 51 00:04:03,180 --> 00:04:08,960 Nietzsche argues that conversation is not just important in your life in general, but 52 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,320 especially so within romantic relationships. 53 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:16,609 If you are not able to converse well with your loved one, your relationship might very 54 00:04:16,609 --> 00:04:19,350 well not last. 55 00:04:19,350 --> 00:04:24,400 Reasons for beginning a relationship with or even marrying someone have always varied 56 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,880 enormously. 57 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:31,509 People marry for looks, money, opportunity, etc, but none of these are very promising 58 00:04:31,509 --> 00:04:38,570 bases for a relationship: what if someone grows old and loses their beauty or charm? 59 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:43,260 What if money gets lost, or opportunities vanish? 60 00:04:43,260 --> 00:04:49,690 The storybook motivation behind marriage we’re told from childhood is: love. 61 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:54,150 But what does it actually mean to marry for “love”? 62 00:04:54,150 --> 00:04:59,259 People often say something along the lines of the following: that it would be to marry 63 00:04:59,259 --> 00:05:04,490 someone you feel strongly about, to marry someone you admire, to marry someone you want 64 00:05:04,490 --> 00:05:09,740 to be near every day, or to marry someone you cannot stop thinking about. 65 00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:15,240 However, what these people do not consider is that all these reasons might actually be 66 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,759 temporary. 67 00:05:16,759 --> 00:05:20,440 How can you tell you will always feel strongly about a person? 68 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,600 Will you always admire them as much as you do now? 69 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,410 Will you ever get sick of them or need time apart? 70 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:31,910 Will you rally spend most of your days fantasizing about the person you’ve been waking up next 71 00:05:31,910 --> 00:05:34,360 to for the past twenty years? 72 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:35,490 Perhaps. 73 00:05:35,490 --> 00:05:39,250 But, more realistically, perhaps not. 74 00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:44,280 And what would happen if that thing that you married your lover for has disappeared, however 75 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:45,280 temporarily? 76 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:49,530 There’s a good chance you might break up. 77 00:05:49,530 --> 00:05:54,819 When it comes to a relationship between two people, Nietzsche says, the one quality that 78 00:05:54,819 --> 00:05:59,819 one can rely most on to stay the same is the conversation. 79 00:05:59,819 --> 00:06:05,050 So when you choose to marry someone, Nietzsche would advise you to ask yourself - do you 80 00:06:05,050 --> 00:06:10,699 believe you are going to enjoy talking to your partner, right up into your old age? 81 00:06:10,699 --> 00:06:14,910 Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time you are together will 82 00:06:14,910 --> 00:06:17,780 be devoted to conversation. 83 00:06:17,780 --> 00:06:22,349 Although the topics of conversation might change throughout the year, the way a conversation 84 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:28,160 flows between two people will never alter all that much. 85 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:32,539 Conversations are always necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. 86 00:06:32,539 --> 00:06:37,370 When you know you are with someone who listens to you, takes you seriously, speaks on the 87 00:06:37,370 --> 00:06:42,840 same wavelength as you and is able to share their opinion while always respecting yours, 88 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:47,800 then all matters important to a relationship can be discussed. 89 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:53,060 When this is not the case, many questions or issues will never be resolved. 90 00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:59,319 Any disagreement on how to live, how to handle boundaries or priorities, how to handle differences, 91 00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:04,379 etc, might destroy a relationship in a single blow. 92 00:07:04,379 --> 00:07:09,400 Good conversationalists are good partners, for they are able to maintain their relationship 93 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:14,560 and entertain each other, even when all else fails. 94 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,729 2. 95 00:07:16,729 --> 00:07:19,080 Focus more on cultivating friendship 96 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:26,520 According to Nietzsche, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes 97 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,180 unhappy marriages.” 98 00:07:29,180 --> 00:07:34,710 According to Nietzsche, friends want to bring out the best attributes in one another. 99 00:07:34,710 --> 00:07:40,940 Nietzsche believes in the Aristotelian definition of friendship as ‘reciprocated goodwill’ 100 00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:43,229 - people who both want the best for each other. 101 00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:49,340 So, in Nietzsche’s view friends are a source of mutual inspiration and cultivation. 102 00:07:49,340 --> 00:07:54,979 A true friend will not hold back in their opinion and will criticize you, because any 103 00:07:54,979 --> 00:07:59,629 friend who turns a blind eye to your faults or mistakes is a friend who does not care 104 00:07:59,629 --> 00:08:01,669 enough to address it. 105 00:08:01,669 --> 00:08:06,780 That said, they will also accept your criticisms of them without fuss, because they want to 106 00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:10,030 grow and value your opinion in doing so. 107 00:08:10,030 --> 00:08:14,870 In other words: friends are not there to just make you feel good, but they are there to 108 00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:19,940 help you improve on yourself and hope for the same support from you. 109 00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:26,220 This teamwork towards a certain end is what defines a truly successful relationship. 110 00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:31,750 Any friendship that fails in these aspects will fail as a relationship sooner or later, 111 00:08:31,750 --> 00:08:36,409 for friends that do not help each other grow will result in friends that end up resenting 112 00:08:36,409 --> 00:08:37,719 each other. 113 00:08:37,719 --> 00:08:43,399 This kind of bond is not only of great importance to friendship, but to romantic relationships 114 00:08:43,399 --> 00:08:44,780 as well. 115 00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:49,720 In other words: you should not only be your partner’s lover, but always make sure to 116 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,620 be their friend as well. 117 00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:57,580 It is often believed that it is normal to be with someone for their lifestyle, job, 118 00:08:57,580 --> 00:09:03,430 values, your chemistry - and sometimes even their status, wealth or looks. 119 00:09:03,430 --> 00:09:07,180 But none of these things guarantee friendship. 120 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:11,660 Relationships that are based on all of these things and only lack sufficient friendship, 121 00:09:11,660 --> 00:09:16,040 all too often end up broken or cold and resentful as partners. 122 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:22,000 So, in order to cultivate a lasting romantic relationship with another, you should cultivate 123 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,460 your friendship with them. 124 00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:29,920 This means that as a lover, you should actively support your partner and help them grow. 125 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:34,740 Let’s take a look at Nietzsche’s conditions for being a good friend, to inspire you and 126 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:37,279 help you be the best friend you can be. 127 00:09:37,279 --> 00:09:43,620 First, Nietzsche empathizes that friendship should exist of mutual joy, not merely mutual 128 00:09:43,620 --> 00:09:44,760 suffering. 129 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:49,730 To be a true friend you should not just suffer over your friends’ or lovers' suffering, 130 00:09:49,730 --> 00:09:52,680 but mostly relish in their joy with them. 131 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:57,700 For most of us, it is true that whenever you see someone you care about suffering, it hurts 132 00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:59,350 you as well. 133 00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:03,540 It is incredibly hard to see someone you love having a hard time. 134 00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:09,020 Their pain, as some might say, in part becomes your pain as well. 135 00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:14,180 And although empathy goes a long way in friendship, Nietzsche warns you not to test the quality 136 00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:18,870 of your friendship merely by examining your friend's ability to suffer along with your 137 00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:20,000 suffering. 138 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:25,990 Instead, Nietzsche says, true friendship should mostly be focused on mutual joy. 139 00:10:25,990 --> 00:10:31,430 A true friend will be hurt to see you hurt, sure, but most of all they should be happy 140 00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,020 to see you happy. 141 00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:37,720 You are the best sort of friend if you are able to relish in your friend's happiness 142 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,000 and joy with them. 143 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:44,950 The celebration of good things instead of almost exclusively focusing on bad things 144 00:10:44,950 --> 00:10:47,730 encourages growth and cultivation. 145 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:51,270 Secondly, a friend wants the best for their friend. 146 00:10:51,270 --> 00:10:56,730 But ‘wanting the best’ is not always wanting what’s easiest or most comfortable. 147 00:10:56,730 --> 00:11:01,850 Instead, Nietzsche argues that for someone to grow into their best self, they need to 148 00:11:01,850 --> 00:11:04,250 be challenged and criticized. 149 00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:09,620 So, if you want what’s best for your friends, you should not be afraid to argue with them, 150 00:11:09,620 --> 00:11:14,210 share your true opinion, criticize them and not turn a blind eye when you disagree with 151 00:11:14,210 --> 00:11:16,810 their views or actions. 152 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:21,660 To summarize this in Nietzsche’s own words, true friendship is the sort of relationship 153 00:11:21,660 --> 00:11:26,830 that involves a shared, higher thirst for ‘an ideal love above them.’ 154 00:11:26,830 --> 00:11:30,510 They strive to be better, together. 155 00:11:30,510 --> 00:11:36,880 And if all of this does not go for your romantic relationship, then it will never be as fulfilling 156 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,550 as a good friendship. 157 00:11:39,550 --> 00:11:41,260 3. 158 00:11:41,260 --> 00:11:44,310 Never promise everlasting love 159 00:11:44,310 --> 00:11:50,440 In the words of Nietzsche, “One can promise actions, but not feelings, for the latter 160 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,280 are involuntary. 161 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:58,530 He who promises to love forever or hate forever or be forever faithful to someone is promising 162 00:11:58,530 --> 00:12:00,900 something that is not in his power.” 163 00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:06,480 ‘Loving someone forever’ is a promise that we often make. 164 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:11,450 Nietzsche critiques this action for one simple reason: you cannot promise to love someone 165 00:12:11,450 --> 00:12:14,130 forever, and thus these promises are meaningless. 166 00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:21,779 In Nietzsche’s view, people do not tend to see love as it truly is: a feeling. 167 00:12:21,779 --> 00:12:24,959 Feelings are something people have no control over. 168 00:12:24,959 --> 00:12:30,050 You cannot decide what to feel and not to feel, but only whether to acknowledge the 169 00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:33,970 feelings that you do have and how to react to them. 170 00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:38,250 This means that when one promises to love another for a prolonged period of time, they 171 00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:40,920 are making a promise they cannot guarantee. 172 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:45,779 If it is true that the one who made the promise does continue to love the other for the rest 173 00:12:45,779 --> 00:12:51,649 of their lives, it is not due to their willpower or effort, but a coincidence or happenstance 174 00:12:51,649 --> 00:12:53,100 at most. 175 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:57,440 If they do not continue to love the other for the rest of their lives, this means that 176 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:03,210 they have unintentionally broken a promise, something for which they can be blamed and 177 00:13:03,210 --> 00:13:04,510 criticized. 178 00:13:04,510 --> 00:13:10,220 To base your relationship on an empty promise is foolish, for it has no way to actually 179 00:13:10,220 --> 00:13:12,860 support that relationship. 180 00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:17,240 Furthermore, breaking a grand promise like that within a relationship will most likely 181 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,110 result in distrust and resentment. 182 00:13:20,110 --> 00:13:24,310 It msy, at worst, be the end of the relationship itself. 183 00:13:24,310 --> 00:13:29,260 This is because the breaking of a promise is often seen as a sign of carelessness, dishonesty 184 00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:35,350 and betrayal - three things someone would never, ever want in a partner.But does this 185 00:13:35,350 --> 00:13:40,279 mean that you have no control over whether a relationship can be maintained? 186 00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:41,540 No. 187 00:13:41,540 --> 00:13:46,990 Nietzsche has an alternative to offer: the promise to always act lovingly towards the 188 00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:48,620 other. 189 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:55,549 While one has no control over feelings, one is always free and able to choose their actions. 190 00:13:55,549 --> 00:14:00,600 So instead of promising to ‘always love’ another, Nietzsche proposes the promise of 191 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:04,190 ‘always acting lovingly’ towards another. 192 00:14:04,190 --> 00:14:09,529 In Nietzsche’s own words: ‘For as long as I love you, I shall render to you the actions 193 00:14:09,529 --> 00:14:15,820 of love; if I cease to love you, you will continue to receive the same actions from 194 00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:18,880 me, though from other motives.’ 195 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:23,420 These other motives would be respect, the intrinsic value the relationship brings to 196 00:14:23,420 --> 00:14:28,209 your life, care, kindness, or anything like it. 197 00:14:28,209 --> 00:14:35,110 So when the love is gone, either temporarily or permanently, one keeps up a healthy relationship 198 00:14:35,110 --> 00:14:39,570 by treating their partner with care and kindness. 199 00:14:39,570 --> 00:14:44,579 This is not, as some might want to call it, lying, for one can be honest and clear about 200 00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:48,490 their feelings while still behaving in such a way. 201 00:14:48,490 --> 00:14:51,370 Additionally, neither is it lying to yourself. 202 00:14:51,370 --> 00:14:56,080 Nietzsche says treating anyone you care about - even if you do not love them anymore - in 203 00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:01,529 the loving way you are used to treating them should come easily and naturally to you - especially 204 00:15:01,529 --> 00:15:05,339 if your future with them seems worth it to you. 205 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:09,880 As soon as it does not come easily anymore, probably when you find your feelings for someone 206 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:15,040 have soured so much that you cannot keep your promise of always treating them lovingly, 207 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:19,180 then you can be reasonably sure your relationship is over. 208 00:15:19,180 --> 00:15:25,009 But until then, you should appreciate your partner and your relationship together enough 209 00:15:25,009 --> 00:15:29,720 to maintain it and await what it might bring in the future. 210 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:37,440 In many cases, the future for relationships such as these is still rosy and full of love. 211 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,400 4. 212 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,500 Be a little selfish 213 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:47,870 In our final quote from Nietzsche for this video, he says “The demand to be loved is 214 00:15:47,870 --> 00:15:52,810 the greatest of all arrogant presumptions.” 215 00:15:52,810 --> 00:15:58,160 Selfishness plays a very central role in Nietzsche’s philosophy and he spent a lot of time defending 216 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:01,890 selfishness against its bad reputation. 217 00:16:01,890 --> 00:16:07,080 According to Nietzsche, it is essential for both self-growth and the success of healthy 218 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,080 relationships. 219 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:13,490 For self-growth, because, in order to successfully achieve any goal, Nietzsche is convinced that 220 00:16:13,490 --> 00:16:16,839 one must tend to their own needs first. 221 00:16:16,839 --> 00:16:21,750 One can never define themselves if they are not allowed to embrace their own personal 222 00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:24,360 needs, wants and goals. 223 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:31,370 Nietzsche says there is room for ‘good conscience, spirit, cheerfulness, beauty and sensitivity’ 224 00:16:31,370 --> 00:16:33,670 in selfishness. 225 00:16:33,670 --> 00:16:39,519 Selfishness is also necessary for love, because if one is not selfish in love, one cannot 226 00:16:39,519 --> 00:16:42,490 truly love at all. 227 00:16:42,490 --> 00:16:46,960 Most of us often see love as the opposite of being selfish. 228 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:52,519 Loving somebody, and helping and caring for those you love is often considered to be inherently 229 00:16:52,519 --> 00:16:53,519 selfless. 230 00:16:53,519 --> 00:16:57,990 However, when we love the way we commonly do, by seeing our partner in a brighter light 231 00:16:57,990 --> 00:17:02,570 than the rest of the world, admiring them more than any other, and giving them special 232 00:17:02,570 --> 00:17:08,800 treatment, we are, in fact, being selfish, from a certain point of view. 233 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:15,059 In Fact we also ignore our own wants and needs, and expect our beloved to do the same. 234 00:17:15,059 --> 00:17:19,270 This may result in dropping a personal hobby in order to make more time for your spouse 235 00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:23,520 or partner, or picking up more chores than would be fair. 236 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:28,530 It may also result in ignoring it when your partner crosses a boundary just to ensure 237 00:17:28,530 --> 00:17:32,710 that they stay with you, and exclusively with you. 238 00:17:32,710 --> 00:17:38,820 And so, in Nietzsche’s view, loving another is akin to having possessions, and thus greed 239 00:17:38,820 --> 00:17:41,340 and love might actually be one and the same. 240 00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:47,330 However, there's a big chance none of this behavior would truly make anyone happy and 241 00:17:47,330 --> 00:17:51,340 resentment is prone to build up in situations like these. 242 00:17:51,340 --> 00:17:56,750 In order to enjoy a monogamous romantic relationship, your relationship should be uniquely yours 243 00:17:56,750 --> 00:18:02,789 and your partners to benefit from, selfishly excluding the rest of the world. 244 00:18:02,789 --> 00:18:07,190 Acknowledging this selfishness does not mean acknowledging a flaw, however, for this is 245 00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:10,520 a core ingredient of a happy relationship. 246 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:17,190 So, when we call love selfless, we are deceiving ourselves and others, which creates an unhealthy 247 00:18:17,190 --> 00:18:18,840 image of love. 248 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:24,289 When we feel like love must be exclusively selfless, we also ignore our own wants and 249 00:18:24,289 --> 00:18:29,530 needs, and expect our beloved to do the same, but like all things, relationships are about 250 00:18:29,530 --> 00:18:36,900 finding your balance as a couple that sits in the mutual space between selfless and selfish. 251 00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:41,730 In fact, according to Nietzsche, in order to become truly selfless, one would have to 252 00:18:41,730 --> 00:18:46,230 cease to care for their beloved and instead treat them as they did before they knew each 253 00:18:46,230 --> 00:18:47,360 other. 254 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:52,250 They would have to eliminate any special attention and devotion towards them, likewise their 255 00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:54,799 jealousy and feelings of envy. 256 00:18:54,799 --> 00:18:59,970 Nietzsche beautifully illustrates this in his poem ‘Without Envy.’ 257 00:18:59,970 --> 00:19:07,280 “Without Envy His look is free of envy; hence you laud him; 258 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:14,370 He does not notice whether you applaud him; He has the eagle's eye for what is far, 259 00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:20,429 He does not see you, he sees only stars.” 260 00:19:20,429 --> 00:19:25,700 In this poem, Nietzsche illustrates someone who does not feel envy and compares it to 261 00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:27,780 not caring at all. 262 00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:32,780 The man in the poem does not notice the praise or love he gets from those around him and 263 00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:40,710 instead is occupied only by his own fantasies and unreachable idealisations… the “stars” 264 00:19:40,710 --> 00:19:42,760 of the poem. 265 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:47,679 Envy is a reactive feeling that shows our awareness of our surroundings and our insight 266 00:19:47,679 --> 00:19:49,960 in who we want to be. 267 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:54,549 By not feeling it, the man in the poem is entirely passive. 268 00:19:54,549 --> 00:19:59,900 The implication is that in order to avoid this feeling of envy, one must avoid any interpersonal 269 00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:05,640 relationships whatsoever - we have to stop caring. 270 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,170 But love is all about care. 271 00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:15,370 Thus, when we love in a typically monogamous way, we have to admit to being a little selfish. 272 00:20:15,370 --> 00:20:21,140 The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions indeed, but in order 273 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:28,220 to love and be loved, to experience the happiness of a fulfilling relationship, one has to acknowledge 274 00:20:28,220 --> 00:20:31,070 and embrace this side of themselves. 275 00:20:31,070 --> 00:20:35,950 If a healthy romantic relationship is based on the principle of an equal partnership it 276 00:20:35,950 --> 00:20:41,679 naturally follows that we should always consider our own needs, wants and boundaries equally 277 00:20:41,679 --> 00:20:47,970 and alongside those of our partners, not perpetually selflessly neglecting your desires to make 278 00:20:47,970 --> 00:20:49,630 your partner happy. 279 00:20:49,630 --> 00:20:54,190 A relationship in which our wishes are ignored is unsustainable. 280 00:20:54,190 --> 00:21:00,220 Indeed, attempting to be purely selfless when it comes to relationships would lead to denying 281 00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:04,270 the very thing that makes love work. 282 00:21:04,270 --> 00:21:09,370 We all are a little selfish in love, and it’s only when we truly understand and embrace 283 00:21:09,370 --> 00:21:16,669 that fact, that we can truly find real, sustainable love and happiness. 284 00:21:16,669 --> 00:21:20,630 If you enjoyed this video, please make sure to check out our full philosophies for life 285 00:21:20,630 --> 00:21:26,100 playlist and for more videos to help you find success and happiness using ancient philosophical 286 00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:29,080 wisdom, don’t forget to subscribe. 287 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,330 Thanks so much for watching.