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Astonishing Legends Network.

Disclaimer. This episode includes the usual amount of adult language and graphic discussions you've come to expect around here. But in the event it becomes an unusual amount, expect another call from me.

Welcome to a very special episode of Scared All The Time. Today, we're doing a crossover on The Astonishing Legends Network with Miranda Merrick and the folks over at the Midnight Library. If you've never listened to the Midnight Library before, it's a place where you can go to hear a spooky old tale or a dreary story to warm your chilled dark heart. It's a place to escape to or from. And a place where Ed and I get to stretch our acting muscles. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this special journey through the unknown. Ed, we have a problem.

I believe the line is Houston, we have a problem.

No, shut up. We're almost four seasons into the show, and I feel like we're running out of topics already.

Why don't you do a fear of forgetting memorable lines from famous movies based on real life? You're pretty good at that.

No, shit like that doesn't work. That's not a whole episode. I need bigger ideas or at least a little more time to research the next episode.

Do you though? I mean, what do you have so far?

Uh, Vagina Dentata, Haunted Zoos, Teenagers.

Yeah, it's all pretty boring. We may have to work all night on this. Actually, fuck all that. I just got this email from Miranda at the Midnight Library, and she's inviting us to a reading tonight. So let's just go do that instead.

Are you not listening? I can't. I need to work on episodes.

Yeah, and this is a classic two-birds situation, okay? The whole place is filled with crazy old books and shit, so here's what we do. We go to the reading, and then we hide somewhere until everyone's gone, and then peruse those books for ideas.

No, that's insane. That is very dangerous. There is probably booby traps or feral cats in the walls.

You know, the email actually did mention both of those.

Do you know how many people are believed to have never been seen again after visiting the library? I'm pretty sure Astonishing Legends did a three-part series on it.

Yeah, but what won't they do a three-part series on?

One of the parts talks about how Miranda's grandmother ate three people and a goat.

All at once?

No, probably not. I mean, maybe, but still.

Look, those people in the Midnight Library, I think they're just weird on purpose, okay? They make up crap to scare tasty little freak targets like you, and it's just how they keep the place open, so don't worry about it.

I don't know, man. I think it's more than that. Have you ever seen Miranda anywhere in the village, like in any of the businesses?

Well, no, but-

Have you ever noticed her or Mr. Darling getting even the slightest bit older in the last 10 or 15 years?

You know I don't see age.

No, of course you don't. Then there's all that weird shit in the Phantom Forest, the group of women gravediggers they talk about, the funky grocery store they promote, and Miranda with all those private parties for insiders.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess our invites to those went to the spam folder, huh?

And the frickin graveyard on their property that seems to get bigger every time we go there?

I think you should just focus on the books, man. All right, that sweet, sweet idea paper.

I am focused on the books. The books in a cordoned-off area.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what? What's the worst that can happen? We get caught, we say, oops, sorry, we took a wrong turn. This place is huge. What a lovely graveyard. Does it expand? And then we all just have a laugh about it.

I can't believe I'm agreeing to this, but yes, fine, fine, fine, fine. Yes, we'll do it.

That's what I'm talking about, dude. Operation Penetrate Miranda's cordoned-off areas is a go.

What are we scared?

When are we?

All the time.

Now, it is time for. Time for.

Scared All The Time. Later at the Midnight Library.

I have a little something different for you tonight, my lovelies. Something else for you. A short, cautionary tale on the subject of haunted, or let's say, occupied houses. It seems some people are just drawn to dangerous places. They crave the experience of encountering ghostly or otherworldly beings, even going so far as to try to make contact, disturb, or to have a mystical or frightening experience on purpose. Some enter these forbidden premises in order to purloin precious items, to gain knowledge, or to steal something as trivial as a door knob, as a macabre souvenir.

I do not recommend this.

As for ghosts, two historically famous murder houses that were supposedly haunted jumped to my mind immediately. They are the Veliska House and the Lizzie Borden House. Both of these homes gained their notoriety by first having been the scenes of absolutely bloody beyond belief axe murders. That were coldly committed within them. These grisly happenings then presumably infused the houses with evil or cruel energy, or in some cases, diabolical hosts. Briefly, the Borden House had an adult man and woman so viciously thrashed by an axe that their remains could not be immediately identified by looking at their faces, because they no longer had faces. So you see how this kind of malicious action, the taking of lives could affect this structure. In the Veliska House, Veliska is the town, but the entire Moore family and two young guests, a total of eight people being two adults and six children, were maniacally slaughtered by an axe-wielding murderer who lay in wait for them to fall asleep before chopping them to ribbons. Neither of these savage murders were ever solved. Not a single person was punished for committing the brutal crimes. Both houses simply absorbed their horrors. Both houses were later rumored to be the scene of eerie vibes, glowing windows, wispy phantoms, and dithering orbs. Not to mention the reports of echoing cries and shrieks and screams of sheer terror heard by the neighbors and by those simply passing by. Each property, for many years, having its share of wide-eyed looky-loos, window peepers, nosy prowlers, and even bold intruders, hoping to stir the spirits of the murdered souls residing inside. Can you imagine doing this? On the subject of other worldly creatures, or even those in league with dark forces. Several structures associated with the Pendle Witches in England, where 11 people lived, then were tried in a finger-pointing court, and 10 were hung for witchcraft. Several structures have been unearthed, preserved and in one case even re-buried, to protect them from people trouncing around through them at will. Or worse, holding amateur seances in hopes of disturbing the supernatural or demonic beings who may well dwell there. This is exceptionally dangerous fire to play with, my lovelies. Believe it or not, our very own Midnight Library is thought by some to be prime picking for just such ill-advised adventures. Excuse me, anyway, I know that it's extremely popular nowadays for certain people or groups of people to take part in something referred to as urban exploring and to record these, some say daring, I say foolish, activities, and then to post them in a braggadocious fashion for other fools to ogle themselves silly over. I should like to express to you again, no matter how attractive or irresistible the luscious lore and rampant rumors are, just how dangerous and sometimes deadly this flippant, air-headed activity can be. When I say to you, please, do not be drawn into the haunted or wicked places.

Do not wander beyond the cordoned off areas.

Do not be charmed by the feral kittens.

Please do, however, follow Gallant Mr. Darling and trust him to lead you safely.

Out of the Library. Good night, my dear guest.

Good night.

Excellent reading tonight, madam. Will you take tea?

Not just now, darling. Something seems off in the house. There's a presence. Can you feel it? It seems...

Daft?

That's it, daft. Goofy even. I'll check my crystal ball.

Right. I'll do a trot through the corridors.

Look at this, did you see this? Oh my god, these books, they're all, it looks like they're all like ancient wisdom or something. I mean, I can't.

There's so much stuff in here, there's so much good stuff in here, dude.

I can't make out a single thing, this is all different. I don't even know if these are real languages.

These could be made up languages. I'm sure Google has tons of translation options now. We could probably Google Glass some of this stuff.

Do you think it's brave or crazy looking for material for our show beyond the cordoned off areas of the Midnight Library?

I don't know, but look at these. These are framed obituaries.

Aw, they must have really liked those people.

Chris, these obituaries are for people that are still alive. We know some of these people.

Oh, well, that's even better. Let me jot this down in my notebook.

Oh my God, look at the title of this book. Head Spikes for Dummies? Never Put the Wrong Size Head on the Wrong Spike Again, it says. It's by Vlad the Impaler, okay? This guy knows things about impaling.

He does, but that can't be real. It doesn't matter.

I'm writing it down anyway. Let's keep going. Be careful, it's real dark.

Oh god, stop it, Chris.

Stop what?

Stop taking advantage of the dark. Stop touching me.

Dude, I'm in front of you.

That's true.

Let me see, let me turn around.

Oh, it's a kitty. Oh my god. Come here, little buddy. Are you lost? What's your deal?

Ed, Miranda said never play with the feral kittens.

This thing isn't feral.

It's a little kitty boo boo foos.

Hey, come here, you non-feral cat. Here's your fluffy foo foo face.

Ed, he's glowing. Put the cat down.

It bit me or stung me. I can't see. It did something to me. Oh my God, it sprayed me in the eyes.

Good evening, gentlemen. Now, what might you be doing beyond the Kordendorf areas, when you were expressly warned never to do this?

Mr. Darling, thank goodness that you're here. We're really lost.

Right. What seems to be the problem, Mr. Voccola?

My eyes are watering for no reason. Maybe allergies, but who's to say? Dust? Spider webs? There's a lot of that going on down here, too.

I see. You're either insinuating that the four binaries aren't clean enough for you, or you're lying. Which is it, Mr. Voccola?

Yeah, which one is it, Ed?

Thanks, Chris. Um, well, sir, there was this little cat, and-

You were also warned never to play with the feral kittens, weren't you?

Yes, sir.

I see you're taking notes, Mr. Cullari. The pair of you wouldn't be snooping back here, hoping to find scary subjects for that show you host, would you? What's it called again?

Scared All The Time.

Yes. The Midnight Library has just the sort of content you're looking for, doesn't it? Well, I'm not hungry at the moment, so I do believe we'll see what Ms. Merrick thinks should be done with you. This way, gentlemen.

Dude, did he just say he wasn't hungry?

It's a weird thing to say.

Enter.

Your instincts were correct, madam. May I present for your displeasure, Mr. Edward Voccola and Mr. Christopher Cullari.

Notes?

My, my, my, my.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Good evening, Miss Merrick.

You know there's a reason why we discourage our guests from straying beyond the cordoned off areas, don't you? But both of you still seem to be in possession of your eyes and internal organs.

Shall I prepare the Spanish donkey for two, madam?

Hey, we love donkeys.

No, no, no, no, no, we don't, Ed. A Spanish donkey is a medieval torture device.

Oh, no.

I don't imagine we need to do something that drastic.

Besides, the maids haven't scraped the guts off of it from the last time, so.

Well, I, I believe the parrot anguish is clean.

Well, seeing that our gents survived as long as they have, I should like to impress upon them that they should not betray us by talking about what they may have imagined.

Yes!

Yeah.

Living is amazing. Sounds great.

We love living. We love life.

We love being alive. Let's do that.

Let's do it. Let's keep it going.

Dinner at the Broom and Fang?

Oh, I'll get my hat.

Whoa, is this better? I'm not sure this is better.

Wow, I have never seen so many freaks and monsters. Oh look, there goes a headless waiter. How does he repeat the orders back?

Oh, Nosferatu Hostess, Ed. Nosferatu Hostess.

Oh, hello.

Stop gawking.

Act like you've been here before, gentlemen.

And it's Nosferatu, she's a very nice girl.

Now, please sit down and act normal.

What's in this little jar?

Oh my God, it's fingers.

Well, yes, it's a courtesy finger dish. Only don't throw the bones on the floor.

It's not that kind of establishment.

I've gone ahead and ordered the Jekyll and Hyde sampler platter.

Oh, lovely.

Ah, here it is.

Oh, I'll just take one of these. Oh, where are my manners? Guests first.

Oh no, we couldn't know. Possibly. I'm not even that hungry.

I'm not hungry at all.

The lady said, the guests first, gentlemen.

I'll eat the inside out thing if you'll eat the pulsing thing.

Oh my God. That's it.

Get it all down.

I don't feel so good. My teeth feel like wet paper. Is that normal?

I'm fine.

I just remembered my party trick.

Watch me switch my eyes around.

And down in three, two, one.

Oof.

Well done. Shall we leave them to their fate and take part in the blood drinker's poker, madam? It's about to begin.

Oh, that sounds divine, darling.

Positively divine.

My head, where are we?

Hmm, we're in some kind of dirt hole.

Oh, it's a grave. Chris, we're in a freaking grave.

You know I'm afraid of being buried alive.

We talked about this very thing on the show.

Yeah, more than one episode, which is why I didn't do this to us.

Then how do we get here?

Wait, there's a note pinned to your neck.

Oh, my neck? What's it say?

Thank you for the fabulous evening out, gents. The two of you really know how to have fun. We're lucky to have you as our reliable, trusted, sensible friends who would never tell or talk about the things in the Midnight Library that they know they shouldn't or else.

That part's underlined.

Let's do it again sometime. Love, Randy and John.

Who the hell are Randy and John?

Miranda, Merrick and John, darling.

It's all coming back to me now.

Oh, right. There was a kitten. And then I think I saw him ran in her nightgown. Then I ate something that grabbed my tongue? No, no, no, no. That's not what happened. I woke up on the floor of some monster-filled pub. The Broom and Fang Pub. I worked there, I think. Oh my God. I remember the whole thing now. Some headless waiter kicked me into a horrific kitchen, slapped a bloody apron on me. Oh God. I was there the entire night. I was draining victims, make these bloody cocktails for grinning vampires. And I stuffed a demon in the cakes so it could pop out and bite some ghoul in the face. I don't know if it was the ghoul's birthday. I don't know the rules. I think I also might have served a flaming head and a platter to a coven of witches. And you, you didn't even help me. I just remember you sat in the booth winking at Nosferatu all night.

No, no, no, no, no, no, I wasn't there. I was condemned to the lighthouse.

The lighthouse? This village doesn't even have a lighthouse.

It does too.

I was there. I was there for centuries.

I alone kept the light in perpetual night. Never a ship, never a human to greet me, only a dreary moon that lit a sea of rancid blood, bubbling and festering with future entrails.

Oh jeez, well, I could have sworn you were at the pub.

My bad.

What should we do?

I know what we're not going to do. We're going to follow that note's advice and we're not telling anyone about what we saw, okay?

Right, right, right, right, right, right. No, I know, I know, I know. We are going back to the Midnight Library though, right?

Oh yeah, you know it dude. Yeah, totally. Hey, do you think they'd hire me full time at the Broom and Fang pub? Cause I think what happened counts as experience and that experience should look good in their resume and I can use the work, so I think we should head over there, you know? Just see what's going on really. If they're hiring, if they offer good insurance.

Ugh, man, I don't really want to go back there.

I'm pretty sure I can get you Nosferatu's number.

Ooh, I'm in.

I knew that would get you back there cause I know how much you need new platonic friends.

Madam, didn't the village really used to have a lighthouse?

It certainly did, darling. It was called Fiona's Pitch after my great grandmother who was famous for being a keeper there.

Your grandmother? A sainted lighthouse keeper? A witch protecting lives? How can that be?

Just the opposite, silly.

Every time the flame was lit, she'd fly right out to it and blow it out.

So Fiona kept the lighthouse pitch black. I get it. Still, it was good of the town to name it after her, right?

Um, my grandmother crashed ten ships and drowned nine hundred.

You're right. Credit where credit's due.

Uh-huh.

You know, except for the part where the crow things pecked my eyes out and scarred my brain, I'm actually pretty glad we visited the Midnight Library. I think I know what the next episode of Scared All The Time is going to be.

Ooh, what are we going to talk about, Nosferatu?

No, no, not going to be Nosferatu.

Fair enough. So what is it?

Ah, ah, ah, I'm not going to spoil it for you. You'll find out when we record.

Oh, just like always.

So, listener, until that next episode drops, thanks for hanging out with us at the Midnight Library. Make sure you go listen to more of our show and Miranda's show and the rest of the Astonishing Legends Network, wherever you get your podcasts. Until next time, I'm Chris Cullari.

And I'm Ed Voccola.

And this has been Scared All The Time in the Midnight Library. We'll see you next time. Bye.

Scared All The Time is co-produced by Chris Cullari and Ed Voccola.

Written by Chris Cullari.

Edited by Ed Voccola.

Additional support and keeper of sanity is Tess Vifel.

Our theme song is the track Scared by Perpetual Stew.

And Mr. Disclaimer is ****.

And just a reminder, you can now support the podcast on Patreon. You can get all kinds of cool shit in return. Depending on the tier you choose, we'll be offering everything from ad-free episodes, producer credits, exclusive access and exclusive merch.

So go sign up for a Patreon at scaredallthetimepodcast.com.

Don't worry, full ScaredyCaps welcome.

No part of this show can be reproduced anywhere without permission. Copyright is Astonishing Legends Production.

We are in this together.

Together.

Together.

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