Connecting with Community
JAYNE
Hi everyone. Welcome back to Joyous Journeys over 60. I'm Jim Ray and as always, I'm joined by my podcast partner, Andrea Stein.
ANDREAS
Nice to meet you, Jay. Nice to be together with you again. Looking forward to our time together.
JAYNE
Me too. And and you know, in our past episodes, we've touched on so many important topics. But I think today's topic is, is going to kind of bring some of it together. We've talked a lot about you being you - really internalizing and understanding and reflecting on who you are at this stage in your life. Not having to justify it to anyone, not having to live up to expectations and really making a decision in terms of what you like or what you want to do. And again, even if you're in a relationship, even with your family, this is your time. And I think we've spent a good amount of time talking about that, about embracing your past, about living your dream, whatever your dreams. But if you if you look at all of that and we talk about you being you, there's another part of human nature that really goes along with this. And that's the the need to belong,
ANDREAS
[00.01.17]
the need to belong, the need for community. Think about it for a second, Shane. Um.
JAYNE
[00.01.25]
We never live without community. There was a moment in the womb of your mother. You have this community with your mom. And so even before you were born, even before you were born, you already lived in community until the very last second. Until you if you need this world, you'll be surrounded by people. He will be in community. And I think nothing shapes our everyday happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction as much as finding a community where we feel here I belong. This is my
ANDREAS
[00.02.04]
belonging. This is my this is my community. And if you have that belonging. Whatever challenges and storms come our way because they will come. We will master it.
JAYNE
[00.02.19]
If
ANDREAS
[00.02.19]
we do not have that place of belonging, that that community, you know, we will be a little bit like this, leaving the wind, you know, just flowing back and forth and back and forth. And maybe you're lucky you're not being being blown against the brick wall, or you may be blown against another car right away, but it is that building, that community that really makes us strong and brings happiness from the moment even before we were born, until the moment we leave this world.
JAYNE
[00.02.51]
And sometimes the communities change. So when we're working, usually our place of work becomes a reality, particularly if it's a place where you feel valued and you meet friends when you're in school. When you're a young child, your community may be your school or your neighborhood friends. Um, so there's always this sense of being a part of something, right? Uh, bigger than yourself. Some communities were probably very fulfilling for you. Some communities maybe you didn't feel like you fit in. Um, and you moved to a different community, and it's not really physically moving. Let's make sure we're really clear about that. It's not relocating. It's just putting yourself with people of light minds like interests. Um, and that you feel that you can be a part of.
ANDREAS
[00.03.39]
You bring up a great point again. Community is a community that provides is belonging for us. They change. Remember? So I moved from Germany, where I grew up, to the United States. And then one of the last times I went back to Germany was for the funeral of my father. And as it is with a funeral and suddenly you need, you know, relatives you haven't seen in decades, you know, people that used to be a huge part of your community, your life. And, you know, for those reasons, they, you know, you just no longer are around them. And it was an interesting experience. So they all wanted to see me and take me out, you know, for a snack to read and talk. And everyone was very kind. And, you know, as we talked, as I went from place to place, I realized that I still see the moment I don't belong here anymore. This is no longer my place. This is no longer blogging. And there was nothing bad or negative that happened. Everyone was just. I realized my community is changed. This is no longer my community. My community is somewhere else. So I still. It was a good visit. Still don't give me wrong. As we get older, as life changes us, as we change the community that provides belonging for us. Change in this joyful journey after 60, whether you move to a different place or remain living where you have lived the entire life and change, that means your community will change. And the same community that may have provided a sense of purpose and belonging to you ten years ago may no longer be the community that provides this belonging today.
JAYNE
[00.05.34]
Well, I know what's fascinating about that is that you can have wonderful memories of past communities. Yes, wonderful memories of being surrounded by your family at a time that it fit. Yes. Where you were in your life or what you were doing. You know, when my kids were growing up and they were my son played basketball. And so there was a community of parents around basketball, and it was wonderful. And I had great memories. But I don't have that community today. But I still have. I hold it in my heart, yes. I'm not holding on to it, but I hold it in my heart because I've changed and our circumstances change. And I think it's great accepting and and then seeking, if you don't already have it. Seeking a community where you can belong and feel purposeful and feel happy. You know, we talk about purposeful joy as what we just want to be happy. And I think this is one of the most challenging and most important tasks on this joyful journey after 60 to find your community. Because chances are it's not going to be the same community from other chapters in your life. It's going to be a new community. And that's scary because since we don't have this community, we feel a little bit like this. Leave in the wind. We need to find this new community and that takes us out of our game. This puts us into new territory. It we find out stuff about ourselves that we didn't know, that we may not even like. Another trip to Germany way back I remember I visited with an old high school friends. Now I hadn't seen him in one long, long, long, long time. And we we met, you know, him and his wife, uh, met with me and my wife, and we they made some pizza. Was great. And he looked at me and said, you know, Andreas, you no longer sound like a German. You sound like an American who speaks terrible. And. Well, that's how I was just. Okay. What do you mean by that? You know, it's all right. All right. Just.
ANDREAS
[00.07.36]
But that's okay. I mean, we are still friends. It's nothing bad, you know? But you realize at a certain point your community will change. And if you try to, uh, keep the community that gave you this belonging 20 years ago, you will keep running into a brick wall. But if you open yourself up, make yourself vulnerable. Or a cave is getting hurt, maybe even. But to find this new place of belonging, you will find the beauty in this journey that may outshine everything that was there before.
JAYNE
[00.08.11]
And it does require a certain amount of humility, meaning most of us have been pretty confident in our lives, whether it was our social relationships, whether it was our circle, whether it was our community, whether it was our work. And, and, and we had already established ourselves. Right. Again, um, you know, as a worker, I had established myself. So I felt confident going to work every day. I didn't feel insecure, uh, in my social group again. I was, uh, you know, with a lot of the same friends for many years. I didn't have to prove anything. Um, and now suddenly you're looking for a new community. And they don't know, right? They don't know you. They don't know you. From before I left, they didn't see the gym that climbs a mountain top of the business. Oh, yeah.
ANDREAS
[00.09.02]
Oh, all of that. Oh, they don't know that. Shame. They only see the drain right now. That is not in a business environment. They only see that gene right now. You cannot bring all of these pieces to this new community.
JAYNE
[00.09.16]
And and it throws you off your game because you may be starting something new. You may be starting a new hobby, and that's why you're joined that community. It may be you're trying to kind of integrate with the new circle of friends. And again, they don't know you and and you're trying to find your fit. And it does. It's it's uncomfortable. Um, it's it's brings out some insecurities that maybe you haven't recognized that you had in a long, long time. Uh, and they say the hardest step is the first step. Yes. Uh, you know, being able to find something, maybe the first community that you try to become a part of isn't the right community. And so you walk away discouraged. There's so many different emotions that are unique. To many of us because we haven't had to feel those in a long time. And I told the story in a previous episode about, you know, going to this ladies luncheon, and I felt like I was in the high school cafeteria. Um, again. And, and so, you know, follow on to that is I, um, reached out to our membership manager who basically matched me with another member. I felt pretty pathetic, like, I'm pretty friendly. And now I needed, like, you know, to to have a match up, an introduction to a friend. Like I had to buy a friend. But what I. And I'm pretty friendly, so I mean, that was really brought up a lot of different emotions for me. Um, and made me feel pretty insecure, mostly because, again, I never thought I would need that. But let me tell you the happy end of that story by meeting that one friend who then introduced me to other friends. And then we kind of navigate, I'm not even in that circle, but it kind of, you know, opened up doors and a journey that once I took that really uncomfortable first step kind of led me to people. And I want to tell you, I have a circle of friends, but I have a lot of people I know now to say, hey, how are you? Have a conversation with. And I know the next step will be to figure out who in that group will become closer friends and who will become McQueens. But I don't walk around anymore like I don't belong. Um, and it was. I said it was a it's a journey and it's it's one that is just the beginning. So uncomfortable,
ANDREAS
[00.11.47]
you know, for so much of our lives, our community is based on the areas of being successful. You build this business, you are successful. So you surround yourself with people that are part of you in that field and you know how to succeed. You know what to do. You need to do you know how to do things. Now, suddenly, in this chapter of your life, community is not based on your success, but on you. You being you and nothing above and beyond that. Just you being, you know, suddenly all of the other roles of business executives are bad insurers and successful. They stripped away. Now it's just you. It's that enough to find the community and then you find out it is. It may even be a greater community than ever before. But how scary this is. You know how to walk in the community of successful business executives, managers, successful, whatever. Now it's just been you. I remember, you know, usually I've told you this before, I love playing chess, and usually I, I mean, I'm certainly not a professional by no means, but I can usually win most games against, you know, average people, you know, and I remember and way back when I was still playing in a club, uh, you know, once in a while and you, you play against a person and you realize from the first move, I have no chance at all. That guy is way beyond my level. And it's so intimidating and scary and just wanted to just to resign and walk away. It's not worth playing this game. Let's forget about it. Strangely enough, that's true. I had no chance at all and he was a great guy to be. Has a great conversation. We became friends if we. But how scary is this, this first step? Okay, I need to play this game. I know I'll lose it. And I did, and it was badly. I mean, I had another chance. And so sometimes it's not about the success in that game. It's about connecting to that person. And that's what community is. You no longer need to show your success. It's enough to be you to find that community. And I feel we can accept that for ourselves, that being us is enough. I don't need to add on all the layers. It'll be difficult to find that community once we find it. It'll be
JAYNE
[00.14.08]
brilliant. And and I think part of that is willingness to be vulnerable. Right. Or to learn something new. You know, at this stage in our life, hopefully we've learned a lot and we're pretty often in what we can do and maybe what we can do, too. But being willing to be open, to be vulnerable, to realize you're not the best at everything, and you may be starting to learn something new, or to learn the dynamics of the community, and also then figuring out and making a sound decision on whether it's a community you think you want to be a part of, where you actually want to be a part of it. And I think that's an important, uh, important consideration as well. Is that is it the community that everybody says I should be a part of, or I think I should be a part of? Maybe it's not that community. Maybe it's a community I didn't think I even was interested in. And then I go meet some people and go, wow, these are great people. Part of that was bringing me here to Peace Lutheran. Uh, because again, I, you know, this. I went to another church because, you know, it felt it felt like it was, you know, there was more going on and whatever. And, and and I walked into peace in the minute I walked into peace, I just felt like, yeah, I, I, I can belong here. This is good.
ANDREAS
[00.15.25]
I think, what the hell you whether a community is a community for you, if you feel safe to be who you are, if you realize, okay, I need to smile here. Even though I feel like crying or the I cannot be myself here, I need to be a different person there. And he realized that cannot be me. It ain't a community for you. You know in your heart when you walk, whether it's a church or any other community, country club, whatever else I may be here, I can bring me here. It's safe to be who I am. That's a community for you. And if you feel inside of you, I can't. The faster you find in other communities, the better it is because community is too important to just waste it on a on a community where A discourages you from being used.
JAYNE
[00.16.17]
So let's talk about finding communities because some communities happen to us. So when you're a child, school happens to you wherever your parents are living, whatever school they enroll you in, that becomes your community. Extracurricular activities. You may show an interest in an extracurricular activity, or you go to college and you join a club or as an adult, you go to work. And so some communities just happen to you and you don't actually choose that. But at this stage in your life, there are certain choices you can make. Some communities will be based on where you live, right? There may be like where I live, there's a country club associated with it. So, um, you know, there's kind of an organic or maybe the neighborhood you live in has social events, or you meet your neighbors and there's a community that's that's around it. But sometimes you have to go find a community, and that's hard.
ANDREAS
[00.17.10]
And there's always, always, no matter how old you are, very outgoing and even somebody who is as outgoing and as much a social butterfly as you are, there is always this. Immediate intimidation or this early intimidation. By God, I don't know anything. And how do I look? And what will they think about me, do I? Am I dressed properly for this community? Do I choose the right words to fit in here? Do I have the right interest? What if they look down upon me? There will always be this early intimidation that feeds into our own insecurities that are inside of us, and every one of us. And to find community, you use the word humility. You know, we have to be okay with that to walk into this. And at times we find out, yeah, this ain't the right place for me. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. It doesn't mean you should just stay in your living room and eat potato chips and forget about community. You know, it just goes somewhere else. But you will that without being willing to accept this early intimidation, not fine community, but once you're over it, it will become
JAYNE
[00.18.24]
wonderful. First step is always the hardest. First step is the hardest. And being, you know, they say. Just being able to walk into an event or walk into a community and shake somebody's hand and introduce yourself. Um, usually washes away some of that insecurity. There are tools, by the way, for finding communities. Uh, I think it's international. Um, there's a online app called meetup, which is not a dating site. Just so everybody knows, it's not. But meetup groups like I come from the IT community, meetup groups were established so that people of like interest could get together here in Fort Myers. There's a, um, Fort Myers ladies group that has several hundred, um, people, um, that they do events. Um, they'll go for a happy hour or they'll go play miniature golf or, um, and you can just go on meetup.com and take a look at all the different groups in your areas that may resonate with your interest. There are birdwatching groups. There are um, and so there are tools that will help you also find it. Of course, finding a local church, I think makes, uh, it opens up the door of the funny. You know, we live very close to a peace Lutherans, and we were really struggling with finding new friends. And we've met more people through piece that live in our community. It and made some friends that way. So finding either a church or a spiritual, um, you know, a spiritual house of worship or a community like that often, uh, opens the door. But as you said it, you walk in and, and everybody has young children and they're all under the age of 40. Probably not the right place for you. Uh, but it might be right. Maybe you're. I'll
ANDREAS
[00.20.13]
never forget the first time you came to peace. It was a Saturday night. Uh, you were there, and I. I don't love her. Uh, and I like to talk to people, so I said, oh, have you been here before? No. It was. It's the first time. And, uh, I, I, you know, I often wonder if I had not talked to you, would you have come back? Maybe, uh, maybe, uh, maybe not, you know, but as you said, it is sometimes the first experience is a good one, a great one. I think it was a good experience for you. I hope sometimes it's a terrible
JAYNE
[00.20.45]
experience.
ANDREAS
[00.20.48]
Keep going. Keep, uh, keep looking for community. Uh, you know, if it's not the right place. Uh, you know, you tried it once. Find it somewhere else. Um, you know, but it is too important. We all need community isolation. Destroys and kills. Community gives birth to life and happiness and joy and whatever it takes to find community. It's worthy. Uh,
JAYNE
[00.21.17]
and and there's the word effer. It does take a little effort, and it does take recognizing what works and what doesn't. And and I would I would leave because we're going to run out of time. But I would leave with, with the thought, find a community that has something of interest to use, because it may be a group of people that are, um, that, you know, when you go to church kind of go, okay, I do, I do. I see people that kind of I feel like I could reach out to or talk to. I don't know why. There's just a feeling you get. But whether it's crafts or sports or faith or, um, just social events or kind of foodies group, if you love restaurants, um, find something that not everybody tells you should do. I something a group that you see you want to learn more about. You may get there and find out it's not what you want, but start by looking for a group that maybe has something in common with you. Just be you. Um, and and take it from there and and walk up to one person, just one person and introduce yourself. And they will say, are you new? And you'll say, yes. Chances are good. They'll say, well, let me introduce you to my friend. Yeah. All right. So it is just kind of a rolling thunder. When you first step into a community, your instinct is to sit in the back and and just isolate yourself. Even we talked about loneliness, being lonely in a group. We don't want that. But take the first step. Whether it's someplace that you live, whether it's something you're interested in, realize as human beings, we are not meant to be alone. And when I say alone, that's not just you and a partner, because you will not be alone in a relationship, but you're not meant to be isolated. Even that is the key. Isolation is an enemy, and sometimes we all need a day. I don't see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. Just leave me alone. But that's a great. Let's need to rush. That's not life. We need community. And isolation will destroy you and life. As a pastor, I've seen too many elderly people and in breaks my heart when I visit somebody in a living facility. And it's a fancy, upscale facility. And you. And as soon as I enter the apartment and just feel the isolation, the loneliness and everything around them is great. They're lonely, they're isolated. There is no community. And my calling as a pastor to connect them to community. And when it happens, you can see how the spark comes back into their life.
ANDREAS
Community gives birth to
JAYNE
[00.24.19]
life. Yeah. So as we leave you today, we hope you reflect on that. But more importantly, we hope if you're not feeling a part of a community today, that you look for connections. Again, I mentioned meetup.com that's international. You can very quietly, without any commitment, go research communities in your, uh, in your area. Look for faith based groups, but find something that that connects you to other people. Yes. So with that, uh, we're going to end our episode today and we're going to keep talking about this. I think the theme of you being you and finding your connections is so important in this joyous journey over over 60, and maybe requires a little bit of a reboot in terms of how you approach, um, your lifestyle today
ANDREAS
[00.25.11]
and to be okay with being vulnerable and, yeah, scares all of us. But sometimes we need to do the things that scare us and find the happiness that we're looking for.
JAYNE
Absolutely. So as always, I'm Jayne Ray and I'm here with Andrea Stein, and we wish you a blessed day.