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00:00:01
Welcome to Sense, Sensibility, and Chaos, a podcast where three friends with strong opinions and very different personalities take on the world, one slightly unhinged conversation at a time. I'm busy because I'm always doing something, researching, planning, making lists about lists, basically keeping us on track. I'm well-read because if there's a book on it, I've probably read it, highlighted it, annotated it, and have opinions on it. And I'm Tall Girl because I picked the username when I was 12, and apparently it's the only thing I'm willing to commit to long-term. Except us. Welcome to our second episode. Today's topic is the myth of having it all, so let's do this. Well, since I have it all together, I think this episode should just be you two trying to figure it out, and I will give you helpful tips and suggestions.

00:00:49
Because, as everybody knows, this is 1,000% perfection. All day, every day. Because the woman who's bringing the chaos clearly screams, 'all together.' In fairness, the chaos is not mine. I do not bring that to the party. That party walks up to me in public. You've seen it. We've been in changing rooms, and that comes at me. I am naked with my back turned, and that approaches me and thinks this is the right time to have a conversation. No, I agree. It does come to you, but you must be putting something out. And there are times when you do bring it. If you can find it, like if it's a pheromone, I would look into an aggressive level of cologne if I could de-emphasize that about me.

00:01:36
So who wants to go first? Because clearly, not me. Perfection. Welcome to the podcast, everyone. So we're going to be talking about the myth of having it all, and social media versus reality is going to be a big part of it. But talking about things like how people portray themselves online versus how they actually are in real life. I am not on Instagram, but I've seen things of that nature around Instagram famous people who look like they're always put together and have it all together and their lives are perfect. But in reality, they're a swan furiously kicking underneath the surface of the water, just trying to stay afloat. Horrible. Photoshopped. I love those when you're looking and they're like, here's this perfect photo. And then you look and you're like, oh, wait, did you grow a seventh hand?

00:02:31
Or like, why is this your like one leg is inexcusably longer. I will also say not just social media, but that BS thing that we're always kind of like, oh, well, Cindy Crawford's a supermodel and she went to Harvard or whatever. It's like that one person who succeeded. So it's okay. Natalie Portman. Like all of them are just like, well, and she managed to do whatever or Martha Stewart was a cover model at like 82. So there's still hope for you. You pick the one example, the one person who happens to be smart and pretty. And that's pre social media. That was the standard we were always handed. Oh, yeah. They were all over the teen magazines. I remember when Natalie Portman went to college. I think she was at Harvard.

00:03:21
While she was filming one of the Star Wars movies, and that was all over everywhere, all over the magazines, all over the burgeoning into that. It was just that myth of perfectionism was what was shared. But that's not new. No, it's not new. All right. So let's, I mean, so obviously the whole. What was that? What was that? What did we see on social versus what is that? Sure. Everyone I think at this time in our lives is aware of unless you had your head under. So how do we think. Some of our own personal. Have it all or, or things we see in more everyday people. Well, apparently 33% of children and adolescents strive to be perfect all the time. That freaks me out. A third of people.

00:04:22
Growing up right now, I think that they have to be perfect in order to achieve anything that is that is a terrifying number and I'm sure that that is kind of a low ball estimate as well. But do you really think that was because we were sold on the idea? Like pre-social media it was like, 'You will get these grades, you will go to Harvard, you will become a doctor, you will...' There's more constant but ours was like, 'Fine if a social media celebrity inspires you to be perfect.' Ours came from family, school, oh yeah, like it hurts more when it comes from people who know you than it does from like coming from both directions.

00:05:05
Now it's not only are you getting the social pressure at home and at school you're getting the social pressure everywhere you look in the digital footprint it's pervasive it is i do hope though compared to when the internet was new for us and even though we all had the magazines and you know there was all the you know you could see it in magazines and books and movies and tv shows we didn't have anyone talking against it so while yes i think there is more in your face for change children of this generations and growing i also hope that because there was that you know kind of where we were like the um the guinea pigs and people now try to balance that with your you know your um parents are more aware friends are more aware um it you see it in topics from you know your school psychology and you know

00:06:16
professionals there so i think that i hope my hope is that yes it is there too but i also think people are more conscious of how to um find the counterculture how to what find the counterculture yeah yeah just how to combat it with children so like no one ever said to me when i was a kid like you know it was just expect you you you're going to college you will then work your job and you should get your house and you should get your house and you should get your house and you should get your house and and and um where now when i have my nieces and nephews and i talk

00:06:55
to them and i start to see them talk about certain things i've tried to be um aware you know to give the you know give them power in their their you know give them the power or to point out to them hey you can't be at everything you're going to miss out on things so try not to feel like you have to keep up with the to try and bring a balance to that that i don't think that was necessarily there or aware of in some ways when we were younger see i think it's the opposite because now parents are less involved in a lot of ways there are the helicopter tiger moms but there are also the Parents who are completely like just checked out, we have friends who are teachers who the parents often forget that Timmy's in the third grade and not like kindergarten anymore, so like the pressures a lot of kids are putting on themselves are based on like society not necessarily their parents.

00:07:54
Like our parents gave us direct conversations. So many parents are now checked out in a way or they care about a total score, they don't actually sit down like 'I got my homework, let's check it.' Parents don't check anymore; they call the teacher to complain and then basically like negotiate the grade up, like 'Yes, he turned in a D paper, I believe It's a B, or I'll sue you. You drag that like Timmy's a B student, which is like the perfection of my child. He's a B-plus student, like the teacher will be like, 'Um, Timmy's an A minus at best' if you didn't just continuously threaten to sue us. The narrative is kind of like there's the reality of the parents and then there's the reality of the educational system is like, and I think that differs also where you are too and that's part of them, oh yeah, yeah, I mean where that's a large part of the problem is that it does differ where you are where you live.

00:08:50
It's also the pressure to like get into college now is like at the price of college. even if you are the bestest student even if you come from a decent area the reality of the financial even if you can make it do you want to take on a hundred thousand dollars to start your life out on that's but see and i would say now i feel now that there's been a swing back more than it was for our generation our generation was more college college college i think there has become a swing back where i'm hearing more vocational schools um and doing you know trade than i have in years past in my opinion from what yes and

00:09:45
because i'm using that soft language um but also the sheer number of like my godchildren who are like i don't have To do that, I'm just going to become a social media influencer like, oh okay, I'll post here and they like, they start doing these like drunk elephant you know, like beauty videos at 10 and I'm just like, um or we could crack a book that's fair too, it's just we, I mean, we never had that choice. It wasn't like, I mean, we could have like, oh I'll go to Hollywood and I'll be a star but like the reality is you can become a social media influencer at a much greater rate than achieving

00:10:20
fame. My one of my goddaughters, um, not only is she trying for Instagram fame and her parents are trying hard to stop it they had some sleepover where the woman's supposed To come in and give them like face masks somehow they talked her into giving them Botox, and my goddaughter's eyebrow did that Botox thing where she had a droopy like first of all her face was like a little bit like a little bit like a little bit like a little bit like a little her parents freaked out; she called me and was like 'yo um' she like called me and was like 'yo uh I I need to show you something and I need

00:10:53
you not to tell my parents' and I was like 'and the deal is with my godchildren like I can be that person but if it has to go to your parents like I will of course I will rat you out yeah she gets on camera and she I was like 'are you having' A stroke-like smile for me was my first reaction, because I was like, and then I was like, 'Did somebody hit you?' Like, is your eye slanty? It wouldn't have even come into the list of questions I would have asked um, like, why is your eye slanty like oh did somebody put botox in your forehead the wrong way and like normally that happens overnight, the fact that it happened within a few hours I'm like this is really bad botox yeah how old this girl in this room was 12th what bus, wait I want to understand how the person administering the botox, she does like

00:11:43
botox parties and facial parties so like she does adult parties but also like if she can overcharge. Her face mask for a group of kids, she'll do that too. Somebody in the group must have known or maybe she brought her kit in with the Botox. I don't first of all don't get Botox from random people with like a caboodle of like you know used makeup and Botox. That's just a life lesson for everybody. I have not had a desire to do any, but my thing is as an adult right in a room full of children correct how do you think that that's okay? How do you think the parents aren't going to figure it out? But like, I mean, okay. In fairness, when they frown, they don't have frown lines anyway.

00:12:22
But like, they're worried about the wrinkles on their face because they've Grown ups since beauty filters, they've never put up an unfiltered photo. The current logic of the youth is: if you start botoxing before you need it, you won't get like... I had to hang up with her and be like, 'I have to call your parents' because there's a way to reverse it, but it doesn't really work. But I'm like, 'Yeah, somebody needs to know that.' Like, an adult put needles into the faces of children-like, that's not one of these things that I can... She's like, 'I can't tell my parents'; I'm like, 'I can tell your parents' and I can talk them down. But they're gonna come down the hallway shortly and have a conversation with.

00:13:07
you and then they had to break it to all the other parents and I was just like, the rest of the time I was like, 'I'm gonna have to take responsibility as the parent hosting the event parent hosting the event was like, 'How am I supposed to keep an eye on them?' And I was like, 'Are you kidding me? There's a stranger human like okay fine. People have issues with sleepovers but there's a stranger adult in your house; you're only job is to watch that stranger adult in the house if they leave and you leave them in the living room unsupervised. Okay, if a total stranger is with them, even if it's just had some like my friends were livid, the parents were.

00:13:46
Livid, she was made to go to school with her sloppy eye for like three months until it wore off because they were like this is the life lesson, like we're so mad but this is the life lesson good for them, but like this is what the 12-year-olds are up against, is how old she is, she's 11, she's gonna be oh, she might have just been 12, yeah, she's thinking to do Botox, she's got better skin care than I do. They go to Drunk Elephant and Money, money like we, we survived on Wet and Wild and Revlon and whatever like Oh Stridex, they're anti-oxidizing in ways like they will ask me about whatever like there's something you can do now which is like Injecting, it's called like the vampire facial or something, or other, like I'm just like, I know you're using words and I'm a grown-up and I should be aware of the words you're using, but like I have no idea what you're saying, but that's like,

00:14:43
that's the toll on them because that's how they've grown up; they don't post unfiltered photos. We have bad photos with red eyes because that was like, that was the photo or the really bad pixelated camera phones where that could be Dave, that that could be like there's like, there was somebody with like brown hair in a photo and it's so pixelated that we don't know for sure, but like it's the Photo, we have so it's the photo, we deal with their face, tuning that's you, you're 11, you shouldn't be sucking in your chubby cheeks. I remember, I remember being a preteen and a teenager and having a conversation with my mom once about how do wrinkle creams work and do I need to start using them now?

00:15:29
Do I need to like are they going to have better stuff when I grow up? I remember that as a teenager, I did not. I remember having um the wife of one of my mom's first cousins talk about like the best ways of you know the way to wash your face like your face wash like in you know circles and stuff like that, but I'm put on moisturizer drying. Away from your face and up, up, and away. The perk of Korean friends growing up is, oh maybe I didn't need my mom to tell me; I just had Korean skincare knowledge at a very early age. Yeah, maybe I am traumatized and I didn't realize it. Okay, I'm packing with all I had the good stuff like they went home to Korea every summer; they just brought it, okay.

00:16:17
Wow, see we're learning all the learning. I, I just always up, just always always up, but I just... I can't imagine when I go to my friend's house now and I have my nieces and if they have people over and they have their kids there and the parents have been cool with me, you know, guiding or correcting or you. Know the kids are acting up, I might correct my nieces and then, I'll tell the parent, 'Oh, your child is they'll go, you can do that.' I will i could never imagine reprimanding a child that I don't know well enough, let alone allowing someone to come into my house and not pay attention to the point that children have botox.

00:17:01
I just i tried to remind my friend that, like, you know my sister's ears are forever miss Pierce because she got it done at a sleepover and they didn't measure properly. She has dangly earrings are not for her because one's at chin level and one's at like cheekbone level, and what is this, like, an episode of this? Is like Greece, with but like I mean, look, it's not that we didn't stab each other with needles historically in sleepovers for forever, but like this has long-term effects. Like this is botulinum toxin; this is like, as an adult, you should think twice about it. How an adult rationalizes: well, it's just another and I think there's shoes charging charging 70 bucks a unit, which look, it's cheaper than my dermatologist has a sign up that I think he's charging 225 a vial, but my point is then someone is having to pay for this.

00:17:55
So the person hosting you're saying you weren't paying attention, but then how is the person administering the Botox? Not getting paid, also my first thought is allergies, like how are you as a person administering it? Not and I am so paranoid about it; I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. And I'm sure we'll talk about this in, you know, series to come. We know I love to cook, we all love to cook and bake. And cut off! I am so paranoid about asking, do you have any allergies? Do you have any dietary restrictions? I'm just trying to make you a cupcake or a cookie. I am not trying to inhale, not inhale, not inject you with something from a tube. I can't even fathom that.

00:18:38
Like when I'm baking for someone, I wipe everything down if I know that I'm not going to be able to do it. I have a gluten or a peanut allergy, or something, because I'm so paranoid that I want to be sure I can't imagine like I'm calling shenanigans um on that parent who hosted-I couldn't, I can see why. Like, shortly later there was an article where parents are no longer like letting sleepovers happen for a myriad of reasons and I was like, 'This would be one of the prime examples of why we should probably be done with sleepovers.' My child wouldn't be friends with that No-Child absolutely not No-Pe! I was like, 'I got talked into stuff and we did some truly stupid stuff but like, no, we didn't inject things into our face, no, no.

00:19:24
And I... I didn't do the Piercing of ears or like, like what apparently, like blood rituals. You were apparently doing it; you're, we were, I was not doing that. Sorry, red were you doing that? Like piercing of ears and stabbing each other that stuff? Like no, uh. We got our ears pierced professionally or at least semi-professionally because it wasn't... tattooed people, you know. It was Clair's; it was 100% Clair's, okay. Um, but no, we, we didn't like I didn't really get into any kind of shenanigans until I was 17. I didn't have time for shenanigans. You guys were adults, and even if they were, you were the adults in the room who would have been Like, I didn’t have time for shenanigans. You guys were shenanigans on the horizon.

00:20:14
We were worried about the mortgage at like 13. And like I went to sleep away camp which is six weeks of shenanigans unsupervised in uniform. But think about the think about your goddaughter accepting this as something that is normal to do at her age. Like, yes, the the responsibility is entirely on the adults. But think about what she must think about in order to think yeah injecting a toxin into my face as a preteen. First of all, as a kid you don’t think of the danger of anything the stupid stuff we do as kids because we think we’re going to live forever. like they're they're not getting the lecture of botox not like the dermatologist is handing out a warning when they give botox like well if your eye blood slips we'll fix it don't sue us for botox and then we're going to live forever

00:21:13
malpractice like the beauty industry is not giving you the warnings like you know what was it there was some mlm mascara brand that gave you really long eyelashes but it was like fiberglass or whatever was in the like something was not good in the lash extenders we know that most makeup materials are like really high in lead and talc like pretty much anything you put on your body by the beauty Industry is bad for you, and we don't talk about it enough. But when you're young and you start young, that's a lifetime of them. They have false eyelashes; they wear false eyelashes to school. Like that sounds exhausting. You get up at what time? And even like okay. So in the dorms, I drove by once.

00:21:56
I forget why, but I had to go through campus. Oh, I was driving up to somewhere and I drove past our freshman dorms. Um, just because I took the shortcut to get around campus, because that other road was backed up. I drove past the dorms at like six something in the morning, and lights were on. And I just remember saying to somebody like later on being like, 'Yeah, they must party hard their lights are on at like 6 30 like nobody in our dorm i had a 8 45 class i think i got up at like 8 15 8 30 like possibly my first class was the floor below my dorm so it's possible

00:22:34
at 8 44 i woke up and stumbled into class i'm like they're going hard or they have to sleep with the night lights on otherwise they're like no they get up early now they get dressed for class and i was like another thing i think with the myth of having it all together the fear of missing out i think that fomo oh the fomo and and again um one of the the younger people in my life had first before they had social media it is for them just something like And some people like it developed, and it developed, and it developed, and it developed, and it developed, and it developed. Some people just have it; they have always always been a big fear of missing out.

00:23:19
And you know me, along with their family; we all try to explain: 'You're not going to be able to attend everything. You can't be at everyone's party. You can't be at the school dances. You can't be working and making that money you want. You can't be also go to like every single thing. Why are you looking at me like that? That feels like a bit of a personal attack because I did do it all, okay. But you're an adult. Here's the other thing: you Were involved, okay. Here's where I think the difference is there is a different when I think of FOMO, I think of people who have this driving need that if they don't get to something it's going to be like the end of the world, where you, I think you did a lot but, like if you missed a concert because something came up or you were at a concert and you couldn't get to something

00:24:12
and you couldn't get to an event where you're going to have this this huge dread sitting on you, like that you missed out. No, I think it's more life is freaking fascinating and I want to see as much as possible and that's where I think that's different, that to me is not FOMO. You just want to there's a difference between wanting to be and trying different things, I think we all have. Like you probably were the most extreme out of the three of us, um, I did it more in a sense that my thing, where my need to be involved and busy was being there for people and trying to hit up everyone's birthday parties, weddings, going out, and stuff, but I've never had that like if I'm not hitting up all these things, I am missing out in this world what in the like little fear FOMO, yeah FOMO, to me is like this deep feeling of regretting missing and like driving

00:25:12
you how you plan your dates, that's just no, but it's not that they're okay. it's the fomo but like when they're there they're not there like you film the concert you photograph yourself in front of the statue like you know you take that at a broadway show you take that photo of like the playbill and the curtain on the stage kind of thing like it's it has to be documented but they're not there they didn't go to the concert they filmed the concert kind of thing like they weren't almost that you weren't there you weren't there you weren't there you weren't there you weren't there you haven't documented yeah like but if you ask them like how was the concert like oh my god i've got it and then they never Actually, watched the video, so I'm like you didn't really watch the video and you weren't really there but you've got a video and you have half a memory of being there that's the FOMO I will say.

00:26:00
And red is one when she's at something we'll go to a concert; she is focused, she might she might take a photo and it's usually not even about the person who's performing, it might be like some random thing that's pretty cool to take a photo of. I on the other hand i am a photo person but I also grew up in a family where photography was a big component of capturing life's moments so we had photography we had the slides, the video, you know, the cameras. and all so i do go back and i do re-watch things or i keep them if i know we're at we went to a performer she likes and i know she's the type to engage i didn't know the the

00:26:42
singer she was lovely but i knew she yeah and i knew that she would appreciate having videos later to watch so for me i wasn't going to miss it as much if i didn't pay attention because to me it was more important i wanted to capture stuff for her that she could have later but for my own personal when i go to shows or stuff where i can like not a broadway show but if you can go to a concert and i do record or i do take photography i do go back and look and i do watch things because I like to relive those moments or have them, so I think again it all comes back to the content of what's driving me.

00:27:22
That's that's all fun, like financially, though, like the FOMO thing is they're going broke, like the Taylor Swift concert, those ticket prices! Like, I go to 14th century loop music which is like a 25 donation; they're just grateful you show up at the concert, like none of them. You're a wild woman; you are wild. Oh, I gotta tell you, like, oh for the loot um like I do go to more expensive things but like I can do it because a lot of what I do is like galleries and donations, like stuff that you can, you know, art exhibits that you can walk Through for, for free. People like 'ooh art', I'm like 'yeah They have to make it free otherwise nobody else besides me would show up but like a Taylor Swift concert, like what was it you were looking at at some point, like two thousand dollars a ticket?

00:28:11
I was like 'there's not a concert on earth all my favorite artists could come back for like one night, eight hours per artist and I could sit on stage with them and I wouldn't spend two thousand dollars but again they're different. I think there are times when you do things like that it has to do with what is important. There are people we have friends where music is their life, they are Always going to a concert, they are always traveling for something, and music live, especially live music is such a beautiful thing to do, and I think that's what I'm trying to do. And I think that's a big part of their life. There might be people who are very big into hiking or going you know into the mountains, I don't not not I um and they want to do and you know go on an off-road trip or something of that nature.

00:28:57
I love traveling, but it's a it's not so much like I'm going into the wilderness necessarily. Um, so I think yes there are times when the amount and what people will spend might be more than we're comfortable with. I think it all depends. On when and how often, so for the concert that was going to take place, I was doing that and we were trying to take my one niece to her first concert. And for me, it wasn't so much about the money per se; it was trying to get that experience for my niece and how it meant to her. Now in the end, her parents and I both decided that they were not comfortable as well with her spending that much money, even if it was her own or for them to spend it, and that was fine.

00:29:44
And that was a decision that was made as a collective. But the reason we were looking was for the experience. So everyone, if you're doing it for one in time, I like to look at balance; if you're Going once to a big concert and you're paying a lot because this is someone you really want to see or the experience. I understand that if you're doing all the time and putting yourself into financial debt consistently, and not paying for it, and you're not paying for it, and you're not paying like real bills that you have, that's a problem. It's balance in my opinion, oh, but that's also the reality of having it all, yeah, like social media influencers go broke trying to make it right, yep they do, and people get botox at 12 because they think they have to look a certain way, people mask their inherent personality.

00:30:39
Traits because they think they have to behave a certain way in order to achieve what society dictates we need to achieve, like so what it comes down to I think is defining what is enough for you, that that balance that you were referring to, busy. Like, what is enough for you in your life, so that you don't feel as though you're constantly having to tick those boxes that are in your life and you're constantly having to tick those boxes that are in your, so dangerous to tick. Okay, but in fairness we have a friend who has all those check boxes, and did some pretty stupid stuff to make sure she could check a box, got to the end of like the expected. Check boxes, and then was like uh what do I do now?

00:31:30
Like I have the house, I have the kid, I have the husband, I have the job. Um, and it's like experiencing kind of like a midlife crisis because what happens when you run out of check boxes? Like I would say we probably all have more than one friend who's like that because those those tick boxes seem very important in the moment. It feels like, and I you know what? Weirdly enough, it goes back to the myth of the American Dream. Like if I do things the correct way for a long enough period of time, if I get the college degrees, if I get the right job, if I do this that and the other thing, I will be successful. I will be financially responsible to nobody but myself.

00:32:20
I will have everything that I am supposed to be given because I have done everything the right way, well, and also I think it goes further. I mean it goes back, obviously more than just the American dream, there is a certain... if we talked about Austin in this way of the expectations of marriage, and all that, so it's it's more than that. But I think also, when we're talking, it's not always, I think we've talked a lot about like the social and all that, but sometimes you know it may not be the checklist with having marriage, kid, job, and all, maybe it's just job and hitting All those strides, and the next promotion, and the next promotion, or the next salary, or the next certification, or or so what do you, what do you do with that when you've achieved everything that you set out to achieve, right?

00:33:15
And again, there is no I think it is healthy to have goals to obtain, but also I think trying to take a time and step back saying, if I don't hit X role, am I still happy? So, you know the three of us, none of us are married, so we've all discussed in different ways. And I, you know, I had this conversation with my buddy, you know, six seven months ago with some of my younger female cousins that even though I'm not married, I am grateful. My family, that no one has ever made me feel like I wasn't a full-grown adult, like I was I am full and whole as me, whether or not I am married, whether or not I have children, excuse me, whether or not I get you know this a massive role or anything.

00:34:06
Me, I am a person based on who I am, as my content of my person, how I'm there show up for my friends and family, and that's why I think. While I do have checklists and things I want to accomplish, it has never been as much as a drive for me. A tall girl has once said, 'I have silent ambitions.' You said that when we were having discussion about professionals, you know our professional tracks, and she asked me Where I want to go, and we talked about it. She said, 'I'm not a full-grown adult; I'm not a full-grown.' She just stopped and looked at me. She goes, 'You have silent ambitions like I don't need to.

00:34:48
It is not driving me every day to get up; it is to do my job, to get a job, to move up, and move around. But um, not at the expense of mental sanity and balance, well that's emotional maturity for you folks. Um, oh but I-I would hazard a guess and say that most people don't have that. They're still comparing themselves against you know what is presented to them as either being the dream or whatever's on social media. Or if I could ever get like one lesson that i wish somebody in business had ever told me like i was accidentally good at something and then like that advanced my career and i was like oh my god i'm

00:35:42
it wasn't like i ever started out with like i'm going to be a ceo by 25 if somebody in business had once said to me just once like it's okay to not want to elevate like it's okay to get hired at a job title and retire from that job title when you're 90 you do not have to take the management track you do not have to want to be right but that is never explained to you it's always like where are you you have to quit your job every two years and you have to quit your job every two years because Like, well, you used to start in the mail room and then you retired as the boss; like, that's not the model anymore.

00:36:17
You have to defend your resume, like, 'Yeah, I was there for five years' and it's almost like, oh, career failure, you were a sticker, like, you lost three years of salary; it's like, yeah, it's okay to just stay somewhere for 20 years and like what you do, but like, I work to live, I don't live to work. Which is a fundamental shift because I was a workaholic for a long time, I was like, 'Oh, I'm good at it', I have to be perfect at it', I have to grind at it; yes, you guys have seen it, I would evaporate um, I took pride in the fact that I didn't sleep more than Like, three hours a day, my ulcers had ulcers.

00:36:58
Um, I was good at what I did, and then I got even better at it. But then it was like this: I have to have to have to have to. Because nobody ever says you could just stay here, and if you can live your life and on this salary, you can exist; you're not a failure, which is not really what's like honed into people, no. It's not what's pushed onto us at all. Like, even if you balance your personal life, and you're like, 'I'm good'; I'm good with me, and I'm good with my body shape, and I'm good with no longer dyeing my hair, and I'm good with no longer doing these things. It's like: You walk into the office, and it's like, okay, but don't.

00:37:36
You want to be a manager too, and it's like, no, frankly, I don't, I don't, I don't want to have to manage your chaos. Like, I'm good with me. The only advantage to like being the boss was getting the door so I didn't have to deal with you people. Yeah, I think that um my mom a few years back had the opportunity, the manager had left the company and she was approached, do you want to be? She's like, no, she's like, 'I'll help out until you figure out who's coming in the role.' She's like, 'I am happy coming in she goes, 'I don't want to be a manager to worry about the after-hour phone calls. I don't want to worry about people...

00:38:18
if if you're taking vacation And worrying about she's like, 'No, that doesn't drive me and that I was proud of her for knowing that because not every some people are going to be pushed for whatever reason, whether it's your job having a marriage buying a house um you know feeling you have to I don't know dye your hair whatever it is, people feel like they're pushed into having to do it because they're expected to yeah and and I think that it is, I am more and more proud to see uh friends and family who stick up and say 'no,' yeah maybe I want more money because I I earned it and I'm being underpaid, sure but do I feel I need to be a manager? Do I feel I need to have more responsibility?

00:39:01
No, because I want that balance in my life, and um, that's that's a hard thing to do. It's I think you know, especially with money on the line like I'm not gonna dye my hair, I don't care if men judge me. Like, what do I care about them anyway? But like when money is on the line, that's even harder because it's like well, you'll hate it but it is twenty thousand dollars and that's to still be secure in yourself to be like no, I know what I do and don't want and I know what my value is versus like my stress. In covet this year a number of people who realize like, I commute two hours to work. Like why two hours? And I spend like ten thousand dollars on clothes.

00:39:43
Every year, to dress up for the people in the office, why the sheer number of women who like because they couldn't get their hair dyed went gray and embrace the gray and was like, I've been gray since I've been like 18. Like these women are coming out, and when you see them fully gray, they're glorious. But it's like, but for the fact that a pandemic stopped you from getting your hair dyed from eight weeks, you'd still be here, but like in a weird way, I think COVID kind of put the brakes on a lot of people. Like, why do we do it? Like nobody wants to go to happy hours anymore, nobody wants to hang out with co-workers anymore, like nobody.

00:40:19
wants to have to get dressed every morning when you can in your pajamas log on like i think it kind of caused a lot of people to stop in a way that they might never have if we didn't have this kind of like global pause and i think it's i'm glad that it's getting more common but i still think you know in my brain it's still weird for people to um embrace those those parts of themselves and be like no i i don't want that extra thing i it's it still feels like there's a lot of pressure from outside sources to you know be a builder there to have this pristine house to um look a certain way to behave a certain way to to think a certain way i mean I'm awkward about my follower count, I've always been.

00:41:14
Like, the same things I say on TikTok and you guys are here as witnesses-the same things I say on TikTok are literally the things I say to you guys. I just it's just but like, you know? It's when I got to a certain number, people started to see me as successful for doing exactly what I had done from the beginning. And it's like, no, like it's great that you feel that way, but zero or a trillion-please never let it be a trillion, um, whatever the follower count is. Like, it doesn't define me. I'm not going to change. My content, I'm not going to do this, that, or the other thing. It was like the pushback I got-what do you think?

00:41:52
Myths, I think another way of myths, having together um one thing I think has to do with boundaries and that just because someone is in my life, however that um, everyone has the same. I think for the longest time, I was like, 'I'm not going to change my content; I'm not going to-everyone has to have the same access to me and be that I need to twist myself into a human pretzel sometimes, especially emotionally, in order to maybe show equal affection to everyone right well. And I think that uh one of the things over the years of growing of allowing to know that even with you two the way you both um you know what you might need

00:42:42
in everyday life is different and what you might need going through a stressful time like we know when tall girl is in the um let's say um she she is you know on breakout mode no no no i was gonna go with when you're in work mode where you we don't see you we are having separate side conversations okay she hasn't really replied to the group chat or individually to us in two or three days we will give you the answer and then we will give you the answer and then we will give you another day we know where she is Not in a creepy soft way, we know where she is. We will give us some of us share locations with others and find my family.

00:43:23
This is gonna be a running thing isn't it? It is absolutely fantastic so we know where she is, we know that she's alive but we will give her another day or so before we kind of do a like soft intervention of hey I'm in your neighborhood, I'm just dropping by, you know, I'm just dropping by, you know, I'm just dropping by to say hi, to check in, to see that you are okay. So I think that boundaries, um and being understanding how they are important to having it all like I don't always need to give you might not need that all the Time, but know when to add, you know, raise the level, lower the level, um, and just because I have one friend who might need X, that does not mean that all of my friends are and family need X.

00:44:14
Some people, you know, like it's having it together makes it think, like I have to be available for every phone call that every person reaches out to me, I have to say yes to every invitation, I have to attend every wedding, baptism, you know, school play, um, company barbecue, happy hour, like no, that's you know, and it is okay to say no if my battery does not allow for me to do all the things. It is okay for me to attend a little bit and then leave or come late and then. you know like it is okay to not give everyone the same access to me or um put into everyone the same way and that doesn't make it doesn't make me a bad person it doesn't make me a bad friend or family member everyone has different needs and i think when you can accept that and you can accept that and you can accept that and you can accept that

00:45:12
individual with a situation i think you'd start to have a better balance um perspective of life it's also like telling your friends like when you are broken when you have messed up like telling them the deepest darkest like worst thing about you and like they're like okay we got you like cool um do you need a fire extinguisher or an alibi like ownership instead of like like i can be terrified of you like i can be terrified of you like i can be terrified of you like i can be terrible and i can tell you guys and you can be like yeah you you totally screwed up but also like we are here for you we can help you through it kind of thing but also like i can give you 10 percent of myself i cannot dead stuff my life to serve your needs for the next six years as you emotionally dig yourself out of the situation you clearly intentionally put yourself in correct

00:46:04
ownership and um accountability big accountability needs to be oh that Is a huge component of all this, but also for us, like we stopped giving each other gifts for like birthdays and whatever, like we'll do a birthday event or like we'll go on a trip or like something that means something to everybody, something that everybody will enjoy instead of just giving you a candle that you're gonna hate and re-gift. Yes, we kind of as friends shifted to these like, let's do something on theme or let's do whatever, kind of like it's well, I mean, like our cookie swap-like cookies are the least reason we like actually come together, it's like I want to spend time with you and this is a great kind of competitive excuse.

00:46:46
Because, you people have no chill and you know of course everybody wants to win best cookie. Yes, or if we do good gifts, it is specific so for example um, you know Red did some embroidery and I know, I know it makes me excited too, the viewers the listeners can't see us both clutching at our chest um, but because to us, we knew that wasn't just her going to store and there's nothing wrong with store-bought stuff. I have lovely thing, but it was her taking the time seeing a design spending her time and mental space to make us gifts and that's what meant it um like for you one year you like to uh you need a crochet, I can't remember both okay because. You're an overachiever, got it!

00:47:38
So, um, knowing that also likes, um, you know to support like farms and all that stuff. A friend of mine had an alpaca farm up in New Hampshire, that was good yarn, that was good yarn, okay. And I was able to get, how much yarn did I get? What is that called? Like four skeins, okay, four skeins or so of yarn in a color I know that she likes from a local farmer. And just to to add to the funny um which kind of goes into their jokes on me, I also was able to provide a photo of the alpaca it came from. But yeah, I think, I think that we've made some really good points, the three of us, like perfectionism can impact everything you have.

00:48:30
To define what is enough for you to not have to live up to this myth of having it all, and you have to set boundaries for yourself and for other people to make sure that you are getting what you need in your 'enough.' I would also say like with age, you become more aware. Like what you do as a teen, but also you will look back at the things you did as a teenager and be like, 'Oh my god, nothing is more printed' I'm looking at a status message, a status of you wrote and posted from like 10 years ago. Yep, you realize that you're a very different person from the person that you were years and years ago.

00:49:11
Uh, as you get further into the way, I think also it's it's Not only knowing who you are, and you know growing up it's also what you don't care about. And everyone comes with different levels at different times. Um, you know when I was in first grade at my parent-teacher conference, apparently um, I was in first grade and I was in first grade and I was in first grade. My teacher told my mother several things. Uh, one being that I was like a duck in water, and that, and my mom's like 'how so'? She said someone could say something to me and it would just like roll off my back like a duck in water. She also said I was a magpie, so like there's clearly a big bird theme going on, yeah, yeah, big bird thing.

00:49:55
Um, but I think that as you grow up you start to learn what does matter to you from your family from your friends from your job from your society your you know your place of worship wherever and what you care enough to pour into also like you become more protective of the battery resources you have you start to become like conscious that you have a hundred percent battery and you're not going to go below 50 cent whereas like as a teenager it's all and then you find yourself like zero yeah and then figuring out how to rest and reboot the older you get the less you're willing to like completely expend yourself you know

00:50:37
when you're kind of like I've hit I can't give you any more without sacrificing for me and I have to show up tomorrow and do these five things to like survive as an adult, which is something you don't have in your 20s, you're like 'no, I'll party forever and I'll never get tired so we're embracing imperfection, I think, is really what it comes down to. Like, forget having it all; screw that! We don't need that. Embracing who you are and figuring out what is enough for you-what does that look like? What is good look like for me? You figure that out, please let us know, yeah. If any of you listening figure that out, let us know, um, put it in the comments, write us.

00:51:21
When people write me comments and they're like, 'You seem so well put together I'm like, 'Oh no, obviously I did not tell you clearly enough.' And that's a wrap on today's episode of Sense Sensibility and Chaos! If you enjoy this, don't forget to subscribe, leave a review or at least tell a friend who loves good conversation and needs in better debates. You can find us at Sense Sensibility Chaos. Com TikTok and long-last YouTube, blue sky and your other and your favorite podcast platform where we'll be continuing the conversation, sharing extra thoughts, and probably spiraling into a little more chaos because honestly, what's life without a little bit of that? See you next time. Until then, stay sensible.