Hello, everyone. I'm here today with Janice Formicella. And she's going to talk to us about breakup brain.

Just a bit about Janice first. She's a breakup coach and the host of podcasts.

Sex and the Solo Girl and Breakups. Broken hearts and moving on.

She's passionate about helping people from all backgrounds to beat their breakup overcome loneliness.

And make the end of the relationship the start of a powerful new beginning.

She's also a survivor of domestic violence herself. And now uses her own story to support others and raise awareness about the harmful impact of victim blaming.

Welcome, Janice.

Thank you so much, Heather. Good morning. And yeah, I'm excited to talk about this with you.

Me too. And I can really see why there's some synergy, you know, because I've got the conscious uncoupling bit and you've got breakup as your core thing. And it just feels like they are beautifully connected.

Yes, I agree. Thank you. I'm glad to have met you.

Yeah, so what is Breakup Brain? Let's begin with that.

Thank you so much. People get such a kick out of this topic, but it's something that I discovered when I first started reading and studying about the psychology of breakups and breakups and A lot of your listeners, I am guessing, will be very familiar of the phenomenon

Will be very familiar with the phenomenon of mommy brain.

And break up brain is very similar if not identical in its causes and in its symptoms.

Mommy brain partially affects pregnant people because there is a lot physically going on that you have never experienced before. And it can be really jarring to the brain. And breakups are very, very similar. There are a lot of physical

Dynamics and symptoms that go on in your body when you go through really any type of breakup, even if it's amicable. It can be just an enormous shock to the system and it can make you feel really, really out of

Sorts, just like when you are pregnant and navigating that the symptoms are nearly identical.

Confusion, maybe irritability forgetfulness.

Anger and anger and a real lack of clarity.

And this affects people and I have, when they go through a breakup. And I have to say I was really relieved when I started learning about Breakup Ring and the psychological aspects of breakups because of breakups because I'm also divorced, got divorced.

Many years ago, I'm younger than I look. And I experienced all of this. And I felt… a bit ashamed I was around a lot of people at the time. I had gone to stay with my parents for for a short period, like a lot of people do when they

Go through a separation and i was forgetting things Constantly and constantly I would, of course, tell the people around me. And I felt so embarrassed And I even had people ask me like, is this how you always are? And I was not at all. No, I'm just really out of whack.

And so when I found out that this affects a lot of people who are going through separations, divorces and breakups. Like I said, it was quite validating.

And now I work with one-on-one with people going through breakups and they're also quite relieved when I tell them that this is a common slash normal thing to go through mentally and physically

Absolutely. And I'm really with you and I'm glad to hear there's some physiology to it as well.

Because where I come from with conscious uncoupling and my psychotherapy background, it dovetails with this really well.

Because I see it as… people get broken open.

And they go back to childhood states And they can be really, really young, emotionally really young So they can be very vulnerable and they can be more in fight and flight and freeze.

They can get all the brain fog as if they're tiny as well which is a sense of lack of understanding of what's going on. And there's the natural reaction to trauma you know all of those symptoms that go with trauma

Yeah.

Highly sensitive, really brain fogged you know And I think, you know, mommy brain Just thinking about it, you're in a massive transition aren't you?

Just the same where you're perhaps leaving the single life behind and facing oh my goodness there's a big thing going on here. Lots of responsibility.

Yeah.

And more decisions, more decisions when you're pregnant And when you're going through a big breakup, there's more decisions that you have to make than ever.

And things for a lot of people that they never imagined that they'd have to navigate. And it can get really, really overwhelming mentally. And I also liked what you said about how people can more or less regress And become a little childlike.

Because, or maybe because Yeah, childlike is that how you would maybe put it?

Yeah, yeah.

Or because there have been studies, and this is one of my favorite things to share about breakup brain. There was a study that I've come across that was from 2002.

And it showed, everybody listen to this. A breakup can actually lower your IQ temporarily.

That is how much of an impact Negatively, a breakup can have on you you can be less intelligent during that time. And of course, that would be jarring and confusing and make you feel not just not like yourself, but when it comes to the decision-making process, if your IQ is lowered.

I mean, that's just going to make everything feel more challenging.

Yes. And hearing you say that, I'm thinking how much of a shift in identity that is Because if you think about yourself as a bright, intelligent woman who's capable in the world.

Yeah, I remember once I'm sorry to interrupt.

And you suddenly find yourself gibbering and unable to think. That's quite a big No, no, please.

Once in my case. I was out shopping and I was so convinced that I had dropped my wallet inside of the target And because I was already so out of whack and feeling a little frustrated with myself that I couldn't think clearly.

I start full quote unquote freaking out because I can't find my wallet once I get back into the car.

The target the store I was shopping in had already been closed And I go to the front of the store and start banging on the wall on the window for them to let me in. And I told them exactly what I had been doing where i was

And they said, you know, I'm so sorry, but we have not found any wallet. Give us your phone number. We'll call you if We find it and I get back into the car and I am also short on breath and thinking you know every my

Passport was in my wallet, my license. I had some cash. What am I going to do? And it's sitting like right there on the floor.

Yeah.

And I had, yeah, like I said, I assumed that I had done something. I was completely out of whack and hadn't even actually looked thoroughly in the vehicle for it.

Yeah, yeah. And I think you're absolutely right. And I don't think that's uncommon from what I see.

A lot of the work I do is actually calming people down so they can come back to their clear-minded self. You're describing panic.

Yeah.

And if you're very emotionally roused the chances of going into panic are so much higher.

I hadn't thought of that, but yeah, that was exactly what I was, it was experiencing when when you are going through this type of breakup or perhaps any breakup.

You will find that your nervous system is constantly activated. And that too can make you forgetful and confused and go into panic easier because the nervous system is already that heightened. And so it's a lot easier to get into, yeah, fly or fight mode.

Yeah, yes, absolutely. And be in that sort of confused state because when you're in that state your blood's at the back of your head in survival It's not with the logical rational bit thinking part at the front Yeah.

Yeah, it's a lot. And yeah, that's why I'm appreciative that you wanted to go over this topic because I see a lot of my clients when I tell them about it, like light just goes off in their head, like.

Oh, that's what I'm going through. I mean, a lot of my clients, men and women will tell me that they're experiencing feelings of rage for the first time in their life And that's a symptom of it.

I try to talk people down from experiencing rage. But I also like to tell them let's not, you know, don't judge yourself. This is something that we can work through and also it's temporary.

And it's normal.

Yeah yeah it's normal and it's a natural part of grief and loss So, you know.

Yeah. I mean, you're being faced with an entire new reality that you never foresaw and much less wanted.

I never imagined that i never imagined Obviously, when you get married, you never think you're going to go through a divorce. But as unhappy as I was in the marriage, I still kept on thinking I don't know who I would be without the marriage. It's still

Divorce would still be worst case scenario, even though I was miserable with him. And yeah, then when I did actually leave I felt like I'd lost everything.

I said…

And including, you said identity and my identity had been wrapped up in the marriage because we had gotten married really young. People looked up to us for being such a cool couple.

We're both very ambitious. And yeah, I didn't know who I was going to be without it.

And that's huge because you don't just lose the past you lose what the future was you imagined Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I never pictured what I would do navigating life on my own and getting having gotten married so young.

I didn't even have some of the life skills that i was going to need.

So just for everybody's information and reassurance, where are you now?

Definitely pulled myself together. I would say I'm someone who lives their best life. And not only that, but I love being single. I'm not actually single, but I do consider myself what's called solo.

Meaning I am perfectly happy. On my own, really, I want people to know I got there. In the end, I was single for a number of years learning about myself.

I don't foresee myself, for instance, moving in with my partner. I am completely whole and complete without it.

I don't go seeking relationships If people do, there's no judgment. It's just for me, that's not something that I feel like I need in my life.

I happened to meet men organically out in the open. And yeah, I will say that I now work with people to appreciate being single and learn to love it.

And I know how devastating it is when you lose your partner.

And a lot of people desperately want to get back into relationships And I promise you with a little bit of Work and hope.

And a lot of faith. That you can get to where I am as well.

Oh, that's lovely. So I think I was going to ask you about one of the other studies.

What people experience the 2010 one you mentioned

Yes, thank you. As I said before, you can experience hopelessness. I didn't use that word before, but of course.

Feeling hopeless, irritable, and have feelings of anger and rage. So generally negative outlooks And this is another one of my favorite studies, 2010.

And that revealed that students who are going through a breakup when they were in conversations They were found to use words like confused, uncertain, and bewildered more often than those who didn't. So clearly this is generally negative, which could, yeah, snowball and lead to irritability and

Rage, but also complete lack of clarity and feeling confused and forgetful And, you know, doing things like leaving your wallet in the car and thinking that you've completely lost it. I locked myself out of the car.

Once I dropped my keys in the parking lot, I couldn't find them.

Completely forgetting appointments. And yeah, it's a natural phenomenon.

Yes. What tips would you give people to cope with this breakup brain?

Wonderful. So first of all, I would really hope that people will tell themselves that it will pass. And same with feelings of heartbreak and missing your ex and feeling this really strong desire to reach out to them.

I'm a big proponent of the quote unquote no contact rule. I'm not doing conscious uncoupling my the clients who are coming to me are an immense pain. And I have a lot of people who find it almost impossible not to reach out to their ex.

And also a lot of people who say they'll never find someone like that again, which that's a whole other topic.

All of these feelings, like I keep on saying are normal And all of these are things that Your breakup can make you if you let it.

And that's why we have coaches, because if you're that dedicated to your healing that you're going to reach out for support That's another indication that you are strong and resourceful and this will pass.

And then on a more practical side, there's a couple of things.

A few things, actually. First of all this people might roll their eyes at this, but when you're going through something like a pregnancy or a breakup, you've got to get extra sleep, extra sleep.

This is another reason why we have Breakup Brain and Mommy Brain is it is really stressful. A breakup is one of the most stressful things you can go through in your life and you need to be as clear-headed as possible

And so more sleep. It can also severely affect you physically to have that amount of stress.

Inside your body. And so, yes. Sleep. I will also something that I've found for myself to be effective And for my clients.

Routines. This will help so much with feelings of confusion And not knowing what to do with yourself.

Forgetting appointments. When you wake up in the morning and have predictability in your life and know what you are meant to do in the early morning hours when you have a schedule This will go a long way in eliminating some of the symptoms.

Yeah.

And so I work pretty closely with people on developing morning and evening routines.

Some people have never really done that in their life. And it can be a real game changer in general for productivity And it can also really help. Like I keep on saying with some of these symptoms.

And then another practical tip I will give is use your cell phone as much as possible, but in new ways.

For instance, if there's something that you don't want to forget.

Get out the notebook on your smartphone and just make a note of it.

And overcompensate when it comes to what you write down Just write everything.

Down. I mean, keep it by you. Jot, jot, jot, jot.

Another thing, set extra alarms on your phone so that you don't forget things that might seem obvious but I mean, any just Do it three or four times a day. I mean, if you have an appointment For the next day you can always

Set an alarm so that you can not only remember it but but prep that's going to help a lot.

I lost my train of thought. Oh, and then also as far as your phone set timers so that you don't lose track of time.

Or if something fills really overwhelming to complete.

I mean, I've seen people who are normally the cleanest people who have spotless homes who all of a sudden can't manage to do the dishes or the laundry. I know I went through a period of depression About two years ago, it wasn't necessarily tied to a breakup.

It was tied to my family estrangements, which I know we'll talk about at some point.

And I normally… keep my floors completely clean. And before I knew it had been like a month since I done my floors. And I just, I didn't recognize myself So what you can do if you're finding that you're letting some things go

Which you should try not to do in your home. Because that creates more stress. Set a timer for five minutes.

And then just clean for five minutes. You will be amazed at how much you can accomplish in five minutes. And also, if you know you only have to do it for five minutes.

It seems much easier. And so get out that phone and utilize it as much as possible.

And also along the lines of using your phone find a new podcast or music to listen to. So make it your buddy.

I think… for whatever reasons, cell phones and technology can get a bad rap, but this might be your best friend during this time.

A wonderful source of resources. Yeah, yeah.

And of course. As with a lot of grief talking to someone about it will help you process it a little quicker.

Yeah. And what's lovely about you is that you've been through just about everything.

And you can hold just about everything. So you're talking about the no contact with an ex And that's quite often really, really important. And I just want to distinguish here because if you want to do conscious uncoupling, you need a cooperative partner.

Yeah.

If you've been in any sort of domestic abuse, that's probably not going to happen. So you need a whole other set of skills.

Yeah, it is a lot. A lot different. And like I said, people are coming to me in pain.

A lot of people are coming to me also because they've had horrible breakups and they need to get as far away from this person as possible.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I do work with a lot of people going through divorces and a lot of people who are co-parenting but i than a little more than half are people who are not married and not co-parenting. And so don't necessarily have a

Big reason to make sure that they're consciously uncoupling in my case.

And they really need to take steps to create more space with this person.

Safety.

And distance and distance. Yeah safety and you don't necessarily need to be in each other's lives anymore after that so

No. And the other piece that I loved all of your tips It's sort of when you say them out loud You think, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you wouldn't necessarily think of them. It needs that sort of separate clarity of thinking to help you know

Mm-hmm.

That those are good things. When you're in that swim yourself It's like everything's just an amorphous mass

I mean, you're just purely confused and you can also start to think that nothing helps that you can have regret over the breakup you can kind of live in some sort of groundhog's day which are where every day is just so painful and feels

Hard. And that's another reason why counseling and coaching can be the game changer that people need because when you're getting into this state of feeling like nothing nothing is working. Nothing is helping. I miss them i shouldn't have broken up. My life is miserable. I'm never going to meet anyone else again. You don't see other options.

And so that's why a trained professional can help because Yeah, some of this might seem obvious. Get sleep, have a routine. That makes so much sense. But when you're in this confused, overwhelmed state.

I don't see the… Forest for the trees, I suppose, and having somebody point these out to you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can be… liberating, actually, because you can start to accept for the first time that there are options and that there's new things to try and they're effective.

Really? I've seen people turn things around in like a couple of sessions.

Yes. Yeah, that's wonderful. That's wonderful. And what I also love is the the solidity of your presence.

Like you're unrufflable.

Thank you. And I'm also very positive about it. Sometimes to a tiny bit of a fault because people will come on telling me that they're getting divorced. And I'm like, yeah, you know, you're going to have a great future. You know, this is a chance for a fresh start.

No, they've still got the grief to go.

And sometimes people aren't quite ready for that level of optimism so Yeah, which is fine. And that's an important part of of the process is the graving process for sure. And I help people with that. Often we set it aside temporarily

So that you're just getting to feel better. And being more functional during the day. And then once you get to that point, then we start processing and grieving.

Yeah, that sounds very sensible to me. So how can people contact you? What's the best way?

Thank you so much, Heather. And also, this is fun. As you can see, I get really lit up about this.

Partially because a lot of people don't even realize there is a psychology to to breakups and it was revelatory for me. If you would like to connect Please, I hang out on Instagram and that is where I would like people to go over and find me. It's Janice Formichella.

All one word. Come and say hi. Tell me you listened to this episode.

Oh, if you tell me that you listened to this episode on this show, I will send you something in the mail to kind of keep you going or to just say thank you.

And yeah, go over there. If you're looking for more break up resources. Breaksups, broken hearts and moving on is I'm well over 200 episodes in.

And I like to say that it's a resource library. For anyone going through any type of breakup.

I've got episodes on feeling better self-care grieving, healing, and then what's next. So if you'd like more support, go over and start listening.

Thank you