Restless Soul
Hi everyone. Welcome to another episode of Joyous Journeys over 60. I'm Jane Rae and I'm back with my podcast partner, Andrea Stein. Jane, it is always a pleasure and an honor to spend time with you. Want to talk? Uh, to you? I'm back from the high seas. Yeah, back from the high seas. Cruising the world, cruising to Hawaii. And it was an amazing time. You know, one of the things about cruise cruising that I love is that you're under no pressure to do anything right. You can do everything, uh, particularly on those sea days. Or you could do nothing. Right. And, um, it's pretty much a no judgment zone, right? Right. You're not you're not going to be pressured into doing. There are people on the ship that will run from activity to activity. But, uh, for the most part, you choose. And I think that's that's amazing. You know, Andreas, I think that kind of leads into what we want to talk about today, which is restlessness, the restless soul. You know, it's, uh, I have always been fascinated. I've experienced this so many times. You know, you meet somebody and, you know, you just casually ask, how are you doing? You know, and so many times I almost got a defensive response. I'm busy. I'm I'm staying busy. It's like I wasn't concerned about how busy, if you're busy or not or what you're doing, really. But there is almost like I need to prove to you, uh, I'm doing something. I'm staying busy, and there's a certain restlessness that comes from that. I'm constantly having to prove to others, to myself. I'm busy. I'm doing something. I'm solving tasks. I'm achieving things. Restlessness. It comes. I think it comes a lot from our work lives, right? Our work lives. We measure productivity or our supervisors measure our productivity. Certainly, uh, our financial, um, situation reflects our productivity or, you know, how we've progressed in our careers, our routines, um, are very well defined by our work lives. Um, and so we're we're kind of proving throughout the course of our lives, whether it's raising children or, you know, through marriage or social engagements, particularly through work. I'm worthy, right? I am worthy. And and then suddenly you get to that age where you're retired and so you're no longer working, you don't have the routine anymore. And there's almost a defensive restlessness. Right? I'm busy. I'm worthy. I'm still worthy. I'm still viable. I'm still a, you know, fully functioning, living human being. Um, because I get stuff done. I get stuff done. And this is, you know. Feeling driven on the inside, you know, and that could be a positive. But sometimes it feels like something someone is chasing us and we would just like to to stop that rat race, just to stop it and wondering if, you know, if you can just find rest, not just a rest. You're not taking a nap for an hour or two, or sleeping seven hours instead of five hours or whatever else. But to find this inner rest, I no longer need to be driven to be there to do this. That, you know, some of the greatest, uh, moments. I love this when I walk our dog Bella, you know, and I'm walking and I'm, you know, and we're living in a community where there's a lot of retired people, you know, they have a lot of time. And I walk by and, you know, I walk by them and they're talking. I have no idea what they're talking about, you know, and I'm, you know, I take my time and I know I have to be in half an hour there, and I need to get this walk down. And I tell Bella, I walk fast, I walk fast, I need to get back to do this and this. And usually, uh, I kind of have a round, uh, cause that I walk so half then I come back the same way, and they're still. They're talking. And 25 minutes, half an hour has passed and they're still talking and. First. Come on. Uh, what? What are you still talking about? I mean, you know, but then I it's kind of really nice. A there is a restfulness that comes a of time just to enjoy that moment. Uh, they just have the times. They don't need to prove anything to anyone. Feels like the restlessness has stopped. They've come to rest. And, you know, again, the definition of rest. I almost equated to peacefulness. Yes. Right. There's a peacefulness in in that. And I wonder whether the, the people that are good at the peaceful rest and again, I nobody's saying you should spend every day in bed, right. That's not what we're talking about. But feeling just at peace with yourself, uh, and not feeling like you have to prove to anybody, including yourself, that you are worthy or productive or a valuable citizen of the world or, you know, whatever. But I wonder if it's if when you meet new retirees. Uh, compared to those that have had a chance to really kind of move into, uh, that that new lifestyle, uh, whether you see the difference between those that have been retired, let's say, in a few years or less compared to those that have been retired for 5 or 10 years. Um, and whether there's a difference in that, that restlessness. I know when, when I retired, you know, I had already planned I was afraid of retirement because I am a little bit of a Type-A. Um, and work was my hobby. Uh, so I was concerned about it. So I did some volunteer work with an organization that does amazing stuff. Uh, and I felt pressured to produce, you know, it's an organization that mentors people, starting businesses and and, you know, suddenly I'm finding mine being scheduled for conference calls and, and my, my, uh, professional psyche was like, oh, this is good. And then my desire to find a new lifestyle was like, well, this is not so good because it's preventing me from finding that rest. And when I say rested was is giving myself, allowing myself the time, the space to do something I wanted to do as opposed to something you have to do. And I think your life is so filled with half truths that that's part of the the proving ground. Like, I have to do all of this. And so now I, I don't have to do it. The rat race has one less rat, right? But I my mentality is still, oh, I must wake up in the morning and, you know, get all this stuff done as opposed to here's what I really would like to do today. Maybe I want to drive over to Sanibel and go walk on the beach. Right, right, right, right. Uh, so there is a there is a transition stage where for many, there's a restlessness. You wake up in the morning, you have all this time to do whatever you want and and your, your, your psyche is telling you, oh, no, we have to go. Go to the store. Go to this, go to this, go to this, as opposed to. Yeah, I think I'd like to sit today and just read a book. Right, right, right. You know. I often wonder behind this restlessness. You know, it's this idea and it's not an academic thought idea, but somehow ingrained in our hearts, in our souls. I can only feel good about myself if I'm busy nonstop doing, whether it's busy with something I want to do or busy with something somebody else tells me I have to do this. But in order to feel good about myself, I have to do. I have. I have to make new experiences, new memories, new places, whatever it is. And at some point we, we seem like, run into this brick wall and say, well, you know, I can't run this race anymore. And, and I wonder, maybe we maybe at an earlier stage we can find, you know, it's there is a way to feel good about who you are without having to do something nonstop just to be, you know, and and to get to this point where. I am not racing from place to place, experience to experience, person to person. Just. Just in the moment, in that moment. And then take it in. And I don't need to prove it to myself or anyone. And how liberating that is, you know, just to be in that moment and, and let this restlessness kind of go away. You know, it's funny because when you reach the stage, what you're describing is very difficult. Yes. Because we have many, many, many years of, of the opposite where, you know, whether it's society or work or families or whatever, you know, we are told to constantly prove right that we are good and we are productive and we are progressing and we are worthy and all of that. And so to kind of switch to a mindset where I've earned the right to not have to prove anymore, right? Once you reach this stage, you have earned the right to not have to prove to anyone that you are busy or productive or whatever. Um, the other part about being busy that I find really interesting is when you're busy, you don't have to think, right? Right. You don't have to think. You don't have to think about things that maybe you don't want to think about, right? Particularly at this stage in your life. Right? Right. I don't want to let you know those kind of demon thoughts in in your brain about, well, if I don't do it now, what's going to happen if if you know, it's the what if game? What if this what if this what if this? So when you're busy, you don't have to think about it. Um, because you still feel a productive member of society. And, and I think many of us avoid rest or restful, uh, you know, restful time. Because restful time means that I have to think. And I may want to I may have to think about things that I want to think about. And even more than that, and I really love what you said, uh, Jane. Because if I rest. It's not just that. I have to think. Suddenly, feelings come up inside of me that I have been desperately trying to squeeze and forget about. You know, these things that people did or said to me and, you know, these past disappointments and all of that stuff. As long as I'm busy, these feelings don't bother me. There's something I don't know where they are, but they don't bother me. But when I stop being busy, they force themselves to the forefront and we assume the way to deal with them is we'll just stay busy and you never have to do it. But his feelings still remain inside of you. They're still there, and they're not going away simply by you pressing it down deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. Maybe, you know, escaping restlessness and finding rest. Peace is to to let these things come to the forefront. And without being afraid of it and, you know, and finding ways to to process it and realizing that these things can control you anymore and letting these feelings come out. Well, and I absolutely agree with you, because, you know, the one thing we can't change is the past, right? Right. We've done that in a couple of episodes about being you or embracing your past, but you can't change it. Right? And we tamped down those feelings so hard because they're not comfortable, right? They're they're sad. They're, um, they're they're confusing, um, you know, keeps people awake at night. That's one of the reasons why some people have a hard time sleeping at night to get into bed, and you're all ready to go to sleep, and your brain goes, oh, no, no, no, we're going to think about all those bad things that have happened to you over the last 30 years. Um, and we're going to recount them, you know, step by step by step. And next thing you know, it's the middle of the night. You haven't been able to fall asleep. I think it's one of the reasons we resist rest or just restful activities because because of that. But learning how to let go is is almost an act of faith. Meaning you have to you, you, and not necessarily in the religious sense that although faith is always is always spiritual, but it is accepting the fact and maybe reminding yourself of this on a regular basis, that a you no longer have to prove anything to anybody. You've done your job. B those things existed. And you're right. Feel your feelings. That's what the kids say, right? Feel your feelings. Um, and then allow yourself to accept that the place you're in now is a different place than you were. You were at whenever whatever happened and that you're in a really good place right now, right? I mean, think about it from a very positive sense, right? From, you know, having to tamp down your restlessness. When else in your life. Presuming you're financially okay. When else in your life do you get to decide what you're going to do today? Right there isn't right. Your whole life, from when you were a child and had to go to school all the way up through retirement. There's never been a point in your life where you choose what you choose. But I wouldn't go back to something you said a few moments ago, Jane, because it really resonated with me and I, as I kept listening to you, I thought more about this. So what do we tell people when they feel bad? Whatever bad now means, whether it's anger, angry or grieving or lonely, you know, uh, find something to do, distract yourself, you know, and some of the feeling. But the problem is the feeling is not going away. If you distract yourself with something else, the feeling is not going away. It goes inside and it continues to live inside there, inside of you and inside. And in that sense, rest is almost a curse, because resting means now I need to deal with these feelings that I absolutely do not want to deal with. I do not want to feel it. I want to ignore it, forget it, never deal with it again. So I don't want to rest. I rather remain restless because yeah, I'm driven. I'm all of that stuff. But at least I don't have to deal with these feelings. And to understand the feelings that you press down deep into your heart. They're not going away. They keep living deep inside of your heart, and they come out one way or the other. And I think the journey toward finding rest and peace to escape restlessness is to help the courage to let these things come out, and then to really let go process it, you know, see what these feelings may teach you about yourself, what their lesson is that they want you to learn. Because I believe these feelings have a lesson they have. They can teach us something. But until we teach it, until we learn it, they'll keep beating up. Beating us up on the inside. Yeah. You know, you said they're going to come out one way or another. And and, you know, one of the things that I've read a lot about is that those feelings of particularly bad feelings, bad experiences, if you don't process them, they will manifest themselves in physical ways. Yes. Right. Uh, some will be physical ways, like heart disease. Some will be physical ways like anxiety, Some will be physical, weighs in aches and pains, and that will actually prevent you from being restful and also enjoying this amazing time of your life. So one way or another, it's going to manifest itself either as an outward emotion or an inward inward physical disability. And, you know, particularly at our age, what you don't want is stress related disease, right? Because, again, stress related disease can lead to all sorts of negative outcomes. So being able to have the courage I like that you said the word courage to to face them. And that doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be, you know, some big epiphany or something like that. We all have those those times where in our lives that, that, that have not been good. I mean, I, you know, that have just not been good. And they're harbored inside of our, inside of our souls. Right? And it does cause a restlessness, right, because we want to disassociate from them. So having the courage to face them. So having the courage sometimes to just dismiss them. Right. I can't change it. So therefore, you know what? Um. It happened. It's done. Move on. I think these feelings, though. They want to teach us something. And until we learn it. There is no. These feelings will not let go of us. You know, let's. Whatever. Maybe it's anger. Maybe it's rejection. Maybe it's abandonment. Whatever the specific feeling, you know, there is. I think the journey after. After 60 can truly be the most beautiful time in your life. Because until this age. Whether you like it or not, you stay busy working, working, working sometimes 24 over seven, and sometimes the only rest you get is because your body is so tired from all the work. You almost fall asleep and but it's not truly a rest. It's more kind of regaining the strength to do the same thing over again the next day. Now suddenly that's taken away. And now suddenly you have the time, the space, the opportunity to let these things that you pressed in there, these experiences of anger, rejection, abandonment, grief, loneliness, whatever there is. Suddenly they come out. Oh my God. How scary is that? I don't want to deal with it, but maybe right now is the time to listen to these feelings. What do you want to. What do you want me to learn? What can you teach me? And once we go down this road, this journey can truly become the most beautiful time in your life. Because these things that were holding you captive, suddenly they need to let go of you. Yeah, I agree, and I think, and maybe it's contrary to what we're talking about, but you need to deal with that because this time is your time, right? It's your time. And if we prevent ourselves from making the most of this time, and I'm not talking about the most about being busy, I'm talking about the freedom that retirement brings you, right? The freedom. Um, and maybe that freedom relates to those feelings as well. Learn, right? Learn. Take the lesson and allow yourself the freedom to be able to process and then also move on. Because if we stay where we are, we get stuck. Right. And maybe we've been stuck a good part of our lives. Right. Um. Then the world is moving around you. Everybody is busy, right? You're you're trying to be busy because you don't want to deal right with with everything else. Uh, but you're stuck, right? And and, you know, look, let's be very honest. This time is finite, right? Right. It's finite. And, um, and and you're never going to be healthier than you are today. Right? Um, and so part of it is being able to take that transition time and move on. And the restlessness I think that we all feel is, is part of that transition. Right. Because the restlessness is also being fueled by those feelings and, and the lessons that need to come out of those feelings are also being fueled by restlessness, because that's what's that's what's underpinning everything that you're feeling right now. Right? Is this is this sense of, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not busy. I'm not productive. It's. Talking to yourself in a very negative way, but it gives you. For example, I remember a person talking to me, um, you know, she called me a pastor. Pastor, I it really hurt me and I don't know how to deal with it, but my child, my son does not want to talk to me. We got estranged about something, and it's bothering me every single day. And I don't know how to deal with this. And I want to find a way and be very able to talk and process it. And obviously that's, uh, I mean, it's a very obviously very emotional, very difficult, very challenging time. But, well, if you're working 24 seven, you almost don't have the energy to deal with that. You said, whatever. I'll, uh, you know, if my child doesn't want to talk to me, I need to work. I'm done. Now you have that scary opportunity to actually do something about it, and maybe nothing can be done. Sometimes it can't be changed. But suddenly you. There is this opportunity to face these feelings. And it hurts me so deeply that my only, my my only child doesn't want to talk to me. And, uh, I don't know what to do about it. And I feel rejected, you know, and I, I was so happy when I had him, you know, and now this. What can I do about it? A scary opportunity. Uh, and but truly an opportunity. Yeah. So, you know. So what's the practical side of this? Uh, I mean, from my perspective, there's there's a couple a couple of practical tips. First of all, nobody will ever speak to you as negatively or nastily as you speak to yourself. Yes. So treat yourself with kindness, right? Because we do tend to speak to ourselves. If you said to me what I say to myself, we would not be friends, right? Right, right. Not be friends. And so be kind to yourself. Yeah, right. Um, and I think part of processing those feelings and tamping down the rest of the business is also accepting that there are certain things you can change, right? There's certain things you can't change. But be kind to yourself. I think it's also important to internalize that you no longer have to prove anything to anybody. Right? Right. You've done your job right to that, and you no longer need to justify what you're doing with your life to prove that you're worthy or productive or busy or fine, or all of those other things. You just get to be you, right? And and until you can really internalize and feel that, I think that, you know, being able to kind of overcome restless restlessness and then also trying to find some peace and again, peace could be going out and playing tennis every day. I mean, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're sitting at home, but being kind to yourself but also really accepting. That I don't need to prove anything to anybody anymore. All right. If you ever meet a 90 year old, my mother in law, she decided to stop paying her credit card at one point, which I don't recommend to anybody, but she just decided that she had done enough. Right, right. Now, again, I don't recommend that to to anybody, but she kind of, in a way, kind of took a stand and said, you know, I'm 92 years old and, uh, I'm going to do whatever the heck I want. Right. So, okay, pay your credit cards, please. But but the point is that you have to be able to feel that, uh, inside. What about you? What about practical tips? You know, for me, the practical tip is. You don't need to be busy all the time to feel good about yourself. And if you suddenly say, you know what? I just today don't want to be busy. I just, you know, and there's always a sphere. Well, but if I don't do something, then, you know, these thoughts come up, these feelings come up and I need to deal with. And I don't want to. Oh, let me do something. It is okay to not be busy. And even if it means you may revisit some of these old movies, some of these old feelings, some of these thoughts. But you can walk through them and they will let go of your heart. And then behind that you will find a rest, a happiness, a peace that you may not even be able to comprehend today. You don't have to be busy all the time in order to feel good about yourself. It is okay. It's not just okay. Sometimes you should not be busy. It's necessary. It is. Sometimes it is necessary to not be busy. And if you don't take that time, your body will. I think that's a part of the practical side as well. Yes. You're right. Eat healthy, drink a lot of water. And also. But if you. If you don't allow yourself that peaceful rest. Uh. Then your body will do it for you. Your body will do it for you. So I think that's important. That is a great observation thing. Well. Thank you. Thank you. An important topic, because I think that many of us, when given all the time in the world, um, don't know what to do with all the time in the world. And so we do pressure ourselves to be busy. And if we're not busy, there's this restless soul that is constantly nagging us to do something. Yes. Well, thank you. Thank you so much, Shane. Yeah. I always enjoy these conferences. Yes, I do a lot. Thank you. Uh, again, joyous journeys over 60. Thank you for joining us. I'm Jane rae, Andrea stein. I'm wishing you a good and blessed day. Okay, that was interesting. It was a couple of interesting terms, right. You know.