Tallgirl6234: Welcome to sense, sensibility, and chaos, where we decode the fine print of friendships, one accidental overshare at a time.

BusySomethings: I'm busy the one most likely to text you. Are you alive? If I haven't heard from you in a week.

WellReadHead: I'm well read, fully committed to deep conversations, analyzing every friendship, dynamic and forgetting to hit record when you start the podcast.

Tallgirl6234: And I'm Tall girl, the oh, my God! We need to do this asap. It will be so fun, person, if we're friends, you already know, I'm more likely to send you memes than respond back to your texts. But I am a thousand percent loyal.

BusySomethings: Today we're talking about the friendship rules that no one teaches you how to navigate boundaries ghosting. And when it's okay to break up with a friend.

WellReadHead: Because let's be honest. Friendships don't come with a handbook, but maybe they should.

Tallgirl6234: Let's get into it.

WellReadHead: Hey, guys, welcome to the episode.

WellReadHead: we've been talking for about 30 min already. So forgive us.

WellReadHead: But yeah, we're gonna start by talking about the unspoken friendship rules.

BusySomethings: Well, I think we explain. We were talking and we forgot to press record. So this is, take 2 of the same.

WellReadHead: Take 2 of unspoken friendship. Rules

BusySomethings: This is the better part. This, you guys are getting good stuff. Now.

WellReadHead: Hopefully.

Tallgirl6234: We hope we never know where it's going, anyway. So it's always a 50 50 to be fair.

WellReadHead: That's fair, that's fair.

BusySomethings: Did we? Do we just say that same time?

WellReadHead: Yes, we did.

Tallgirl6234: In case people were wondering if we're really friends in real life, or if this is just like, you know.

WellReadHead: We twin.

BusySomethings: I I think I was gonna say, this is the point. We should probably explain to to the audience how Red and I - A lot.

WellReadHead: A lot.

BusySomethings: A lot.

BusySomethings: We'll have times when we'll be in group settings and just say the same thing at the same time.

BusySomethings: When you need to worry is when we just go silent and just you could see that we're having conversations.

BusySomethings: But all 3 of us do do this as a fact, and like sync up with thinking and

BusySomethings: and all. So it is pretty in-depth, but.

WellReadHead: We are the emergency contact tier friends.

Tallgirl6234: Car, ride.

WellReadHead: To your friends.

Tallgirl6234: Like when they sync up and you're driving, and you hear from the left side and the right side, and they say the exact same word at the exact same moment. It's like it's it's stereo. And it's weird.

WellReadHead: How fun.

BusySomethings: It's it's, you know, you know someone long enough. You share a brain not, or occasionally.

Tallgirl6234: You'll text and be like I was thinking of. And I'm like, Oh, my God! Why are you having that thought like 2 states away. Why are you thinking exactly what I'm thinking at the exact moment.

BusySomethings: I mean we had one time she was traveling for work, and she was in another country, and her dinner, which was ended up being my lunchtime. We had the exact same meal, not talking

BusySomethings: each other.

BusySomethings: So we're just like that. But that is why

BusySomethings: all 3 of us are each other's emergency contact in the friendship.

Tallgirl6234: Tis true.

Tallgirl6234: Tis true, somebody ranks a little bit higher as a preferred emergency contact, but you know.

BusySomethings: Are you just gonna put this? Ha! So the point of this.

Tallgirl6234: I'm just saying within emergency category like emergency contacts. Sometimes there's categories of emergency contacts.

WellReadHead: There are categories of all different kinds of friends.

Tallgirl6234: Some of them are clearly better friends. Right?

BusySomethings: She is referring to. She is gently calling me out for the one time you called me.

WellReadHead: You didn't pick up your phone.

BusySomethings: I did not pick up my phone. You had just been an accident. I did not know you were in an accident.

Tallgirl6234: No, you prioritized cure puffs.

BusySomethings: I did not. I was on the other line with my mother. It's not like I was just

BusySomethings: ignoring you, and then.

Tallgirl6234: Caller Id literally helps you figure out it wasn't a guess. It said, Best friend on your phone, and you went. No.

BusySomethings: Chaotic listeners. If you could see the flame

BusySomethings: to the side of my face.

WellReadHead: We can't even see your face. But we still knew what was going on.

Tallgirl6234: Literally well calls busy busy because she doesn't love her, doesn't pick up well, accidentally calls me, tells me the gist of it, and my 1st reaction is busy. Doesn't know. So while well is still on the highway, trying to like, you know, just exist. I'm calling busy, being like I don't think, you know, and you need to know so like pick up.

BusySomethings: You're acting like. 1st of all, you are some like

BusySomethings: crap second choice, for Well, like she had to call you like. That's although no, you were.

Tallgirl6234: Okay, you're her lobster. I'm her crawfish. Let's just be honest.

Tallgirl6234: I know my place in the sea, and I'm cool with it.

Tallgirl6234: What's the little crab from Moana, shiny.

BusySomethings: Oh, I don't know the character's name, but I know you're talking about.

Tallgirl6234: But that's that's me. And I know my place. You guys are forever enclawed lobsters, and I get that.

BusySomethings: Again.

Tallgirl6234: Also, I'm I'm moving up the list pretty quick per per emergency incident. I I feel like I might be edging you out eventually.

BusySomethings: That that's fine. I will just work on edging up the list for your mom so that I become her.

WellReadHead: Oh, boy!

WellReadHead: Oh, boy! Here we go!

BusySomethings: If we're gonna throw this down.

BusySomethings: I just pulled back my hair.

BusySomethings: I have.

Tallgirl6234: Okay, pop off my earrings and my nails like you want to roll. I'll vaseline up.

BusySomethings: I'm putting my cocoa butter lipstick, you know, not lipstick, but the chapstick on, and.

BusySomethings: I'll rumble.

BusySomethings: I'm just saying, if you're gonna throw this down. You know the situation that happened. It wasn't intentional. It wasn't.

WellReadHead: Boy. Crazy, boy. Keep cool, boy.

Tallgirl6234: I love that we fight so aggressively to be like. I'm your bestest friend.

WellReadHead: I hate it. I'll be honest with you. I hate it!

Tallgirl6234: There was once, I forget where we were, but like Busy and I went back and forth for like 5 min, basically death threatening each other, and at some point I look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you couldn't be happier to watch us threaten each other's lives to fight for your love, friendship, and acceptance.

WellReadHead: It's adorable. You guys are so creative.

BusySomethings: Oh, thank you!

Tallgirl6234: Anybody else would call the cops and be like, there are 2 women in a restaurant who've clearly kidnapped a 3, rd and they're just

Tallgirl6234: they're about to murder each other, and we're like, no, that's how we express our love.

BusySomethings: If you are not threatening the life

BusySomethings: of each other in a 3 way Friendship here to see who loves, who more? Then? I don't know what you're doing with your life, because that's just how we roll.

BusySomethings: We're not threatening.

Tallgirl6234: No, I literally fought for the pleasure of washing your hair when you had surgery, like I was willing to take Well out for like. Don't don't be caring for your friend.

Tallgirl6234: Don't be curious. I get 1st pick I get 1st pick on how I care for her. After her surgery.

BusySomethings: No one actually had to wash my hair for me. I did it myself, which was its own problem for you.

BusySomethings: That was its own trauma, because I didn't call you to come. Wash my hair.

Tallgirl6234: Right.

WellReadHead: Because I was able to do it myself. Most people would see. Oh, she was capable of doing it on her own. That is a good thing.

Tallgirl6234: No, just because you can. Doesn't mean you should.

BusySomethings: Got it. Okay, I I don't know where this is on the Friendship book, like the.

Tallgirl6234: You will let me, you will let me care for you. You have no choice in the matter.

BusySomethings: Oh, my God!

BusySomethings: Why do you people.

WellReadHead: So yeah.

BusySomethings: So I think we've established.

Tallgirl6234: Casual friends who do none of these things.

BusySomethings: Casual.

WellReadHead: Our casual friends do.

BusySomethings: Yes, and I wouldn't even say the casual, just because they might not be the 1st emergency contact

BusySomethings: doesn't mean they're not well ranked and important. Some.

WellReadHead: That is absolutely true. Yeah.

BusySomethings: Maybe they don't live near us. So that could be a problem.

WellReadHead: Geolocation can be a factor in friendship.

Tallgirl6234: Sure.

WellReadHead: What is a friendship rule that you guys swear by.

Tallgirl6234: Don't lie!

WellReadHead: Amen to that sister.

Tallgirl6234: I mean, you can soften the truth on multiple levels, or you could not express.

WellReadHead: You can consider my feelings while you're telling me the truth? But

WellReadHead: tell me the truth. Don't lie to me. Ever go badly for you.

BusySomethings: Grow with the relationship.

WellReadHead: Awesome.

BusySomethings: Or or let me rephrase that, depending on what the relationship is. There are some people who you're not going to grow with.

BusySomethings: You might just have them. You know this is your

BusySomethings: town friend that you meet up for drinks with every couple of months, and that's so. That may not require too much growing. But I think when I think we're talking about here, we're talking about the people who we engage with constantly, I think there's an importance of growing, as you know, as we age as we go through things. If we change

BusySomethings: you know I had a friend who is now sober, and so, as a friend, it was as his friend, it was important for me to be aware of.

BusySomethings: How

BusySomethings: does he work in sobriety? Some people they don't want any alcohol near them, because, you know, it's too hard. Some. They're okay with it. Just obviously don't ask them for it. If they you know if they want to drink, be aware. So I think that is an example of how you grow with the friendship.

BusySomethings: and to be, you know, respectful of each other as you grow.

Tallgirl6234: Whereas I think I meet you where you're at a bit more like I have a friend who's a recovering addict, and he was like, you know, you've never brought it up. You've never hidden the liquor you've never. It's like, you know, you're an addict. You're in recovery. I'm not helping you, but I'm also not hiding the bottles in the house when you come over. Kind of thing.

Tallgirl6234: He's like. You're one of the few people who doesn't make it awkward

Tallgirl6234: is a lot of people like go out of their way. He's like you never changed from like when I was a fall down drunk to today. You're just like you've met me where I'm at without ever kind of passing judgment.

BusySomethings: Yeah. And I I think that's fair, too, because but also again, there might be someone who might be early in their recovery for this example that we're using, and

BusySomethings: they might ask, You know, please don't have.

BusySomethings: It's still very early for me.

BusySomethings: Can you not have bottles around, or can we not go to a place that is like a bar area? And I think that is fine to ask and all that. But yeah, if there, there's some people who are like you know what treat me as is.

BusySomethings: and just know I'm not drinking, and I don't. We don't need to talk about it, and you just move on.

BusySomethings: I think it depends on the person in any situation like everything.

WellReadHead: Agreed.

WellReadHead: I think another good one is accountability. We talk about that a lot.

BusySomethings: Yes.

WellReadHead: But being accountable to yourself and to the people around you.

BusySomethings: Absolutely.

Tallgirl6234: Actually, years ago, after a business conference, there was a.

Tallgirl6234: you know, like, How do you hold yourself accountable for setting these goals like you're going to this business conference thing. But like, if you're going to set this goal, if you're going to be a better, whatever like, who's gonna call you on your Bs.

Tallgirl6234: And it was actually the women of this conference we kind of like came together, and we're like, Hey, we don't know each other. But maybe, like once a month, we just kind of like, get together. And like, you know, yeah, this was your stated goal.

Tallgirl6234: Did did you hit it? Did you come close to it, or did you just completely like not? What are you going to do now? Kind of thing?

Tallgirl6234: And it's kind of nice because I'm not friend friends with them. I'm friendly, so it's easier to hear feedback from people who aren't trying to soften it. They're just like no, the point of our friendship is, we call each other on our BS without like, oh, but I know your mom was sick, or whatever it's like. No.

Tallgirl6234: your stated goal was X.

Tallgirl6234: Did you deliver, did you not? Kind of stuff? So it's like, I actually try not to become really great friends with them like over time. I've gotten to know them, but I like that. Our friendship is on that point, that it's like, no, our.

WellReadHead: It's almost friendship is calling you on your BS.

BusySomethings: Yeah, it's. And that's a specific that is like a business friendship. Where that is the point of it, it is to support each other and your political. And I've been part of those type of

BusySomethings: groups as well of, you know.

BusySomethings: mostly women. But other types of organizations and groups. And you're just saying, All right. What are your goals?

BusySomethings: And not just say, Hey, I want to make new connections, you know, making them. Did you quantify how many and what time you know and all that. So yeah, that's

BusySomethings: absolutely you know, that's a specific requirement for that group.

Tallgirl6234: Yeah, no, those are acquaintances like, long ago I learned to differentiate the difference between like acquaintances and friends. I have a lot of acquaintances.

Tallgirl6234: I am learning to lessen my friend contingent.

Tallgirl6234: just because part of it is like I have a woman on the bus that I talked to every morning, 5 days a week for 4 and a half years, when we commuted in together.

Tallgirl6234: Our friendship is now every holiday we try to find the funniest meme we can for that holiday for that year, and we send it to each other. We never talk.

Tallgirl6234: but every holiday do I get like a Saint Patrick's day. Hilarious meme for her. Yes.

Tallgirl6234: that's that. That is where our conversation is hit. But, like, honestly, I look forward to that text every holiday I'm like it's Arbor Day. What's she gonna get.

BusySomethings: Arbor Day. That's fantastic. Now I want to see Arbor Day. Funny memes. I'm.

WellReadHead: Names.

Tallgirl6234: Now one year she sent me a tree stump, and like she must have been out walking her dog, and she just sent me a picture of a tree stump, and that was it made my entire day.

WellReadHead: I think that when people say casual friends they mean they you might think that they mean

WellReadHead: it's less than intense, or it's less than in general.

WellReadHead: But casual friends are still.

WellReadHead: I think they mean as much to you

WellReadHead: as your close friends, just in a different way.

BusySomethings: I agree with that.

Tallgirl6234: I will also say, because I'm a little bit nuts. I have like subcategory friends that I do certain things with like this is my

Tallgirl6234: Kabuki theater friend.

Tallgirl6234: Hey?

Tallgirl6234: This is my like. There is somebody I used to go to like early music concerts with.

Tallgirl6234: because if somebody has an interest it's much easier to convince them to go. Do stuff with me. You can only convince so many people to like. Come to one-off concerts with you. Kind of thing. So like

Tallgirl6234: I do have like a lecture friend, that's all we do is we go to a lecture, we go to dinner, we talk about it, and then we don't talk until the next lecture.

BusySomethings: That's fair.

Tallgirl6234: I've had incredibly in-depth conversations with him, but like I don't know a lot about his daily life, and nor does he know about mine. It's just conversationally.

Tallgirl6234: he's a great person to like recap a very thoughtful kind of lecture with that makes sense.

WellReadHead: Yeah.

BusySomethings: Absolutely just like there's certain type of music. I think. You know.

BusySomethings: we have a range, all 3 of us, of musics that we like.

BusySomethings: and there might be a style that I would be.

BusySomethings: you know, like a couple of months ago I messaged Read and said, Hey, there's a

BusySomethings: an Irish group. There's a well there's a night for in for Irish performers, and it was, you know, Irish

BusySomethings: speaking singers and musicians in the style of, and, you know, getting ready for Saint Patrick's day. We didn't end up making to it, but that is, I know something that she would appreciate with me.

BusySomethings: who has no Irish heritage at all, but love of the Irish people and Irish music.

BusySomethings: So, you know, absolutely makes sense in that way to have friends for different categories and interests.

BusySomethings: Do you think?

BusySomethings: I'm gonna put something out there and let's hold hold hands. I'm not actually suggesting this happens.

BusySomethings: But if we break, if we.

Tallgirl6234: No. No. I'm not even going to let you get the sentence out. No.

BusySomethings: All right, if people not us, because taller.

Tallgirl6234: People.

BusySomethings: Other people.

Tallgirl6234: Who don't care about each other at all if they break up. That's fine.

BusySomethings: Audience. I'm blinking twice. This is a hostage situation.

BusySomethings: Please send help.

Tallgirl6234: I let you out of the jail for this.

BusySomethings: Aw.

Tallgirl6234: I'm letting you guys have sunlight.

WellReadHead: We appreciate it.

Tallgirl6234: Sunlight in order, to podcast.

BusySomethings: I saw sunlight today, guys, it was fantastic, it was cloudy. But if people, if a group of friends

BusySomethings: and.

Tallgirl6234: Not us.

BusySomethings: Not? Not us.

BusySomethings: How dare I make a suggestion?

BusySomethings: If a group of friends, Bob, Jane and Jim

BusySomethings: and 2 of them haven't fallen out.

BusySomethings: Is that okay for the 3rd person to stay neutral if they if the if A and B had to fight, is C allowed to

BusySomethings: still be friends with both.

Tallgirl6234: Are you saying? I'm C.

Tallgirl6234: I said there's Bob.

WellReadHead: Bob Jane and Jim, Bob, Jane and Jim.

WellReadHead: Yeah,

Tallgirl6234: Okay. It depends on why the friendship broke up.

WellReadHead: It depends on what what happened. I think it. Everything is relative, and everything is situational.

Tallgirl6234: Like. I don't like. When people are like we're getting divorced like I got you in the divorce like there was a situation where I was friends with the guy, and the guy got married, and I became friends with the guy and the wife and everybody's associated friends. I got notified in the divorce that I was now on her side, like we're dividing our house and our dishes and our stuff, and you are now on team

Tallgirl6234: her.

BusySomethings: That is so.

Tallgirl6234: And I was just like, Excuse a moi like

Tallgirl6234: I I get to choose who I'm friends with, like.

Tallgirl6234: Do not

Tallgirl6234: the fact that you sat down like I'm more interested in the negotiation for like oh, well, you get Sally and I get tall girl like. Who the hell is Sally? Who else like? Who did I lose out to?

Tallgirl6234: And both y'all can like take me off your phones, because the fact that you thought that this was going to work.

WellReadHead: Yeah, that's unacceptable.

WellReadHead: That's unacceptable in.

Tallgirl6234: No world.

WellReadHead: I don't have to worry about it with you, Tall, but with Busy.

WellReadHead: If there were ever a situation where there was a committed relationship happening, and I became friends with said committed Relationship person.

WellReadHead: In addition to already being lobsters with Busy

WellReadHead: In no way, shape or form would he ever get me in the divorce.

BusySomethings: Oh no!

WellReadHead: Like.

BusySomethings: Nay.

WellReadHead: I can't imagine

WellReadHead: starting off as friends with someone, and then just having them like pass you off to their divorcing spouse.

BusySomethings: No.

WellReadHead: That is, that that just blows my mind.

Tallgirl6234: I was more interested frankly in the conversation of like, Okay, here's a list of everybody we consider friends. I'm like, Okay, you guys hate each other.

Tallgirl6234: But you've sat down together for at least 45 min to discuss.

WellReadHead: And hash that out, that that is the weirdest thing.

BusySomethings: I also want to know!

Tallgirl6234: Closest friends, but it was like, I'm more interested in your thought process here. And how many other people on this list were like, sure I'm friends with Sally now, like no.

BusySomethings: And and what quantified me going from team him to team her.

Tallgirl6234: It was just like that's also part of it, like, if you bring drama. The drama I put up with in middle school is not the drama I would put up with in high school, and every year my tolerance for drama.

WellReadHead: Goes down.

Tallgirl6234: Becomes less because my life has its own drama and my own problems, and, like my need for peace, grows infinitely every year.

WellReadHead: Yeah.

Tallgirl6234: If you're gonna pull this kind of stuff like I've had friends who are divorced. And they just casually send out an email on the last day. They're like, you know. Tim and I are no longer together.

Tallgirl6234: Do what you want to do. Go where you want to go. Just Fyi. Please don't send Christmas cards to our old address. We're not there anymore.

Tallgirl6234: and that's it.

Tallgirl6234: The other ones like choosing sides and picking teams, and like, Oh, well, you can't be friends with them anymore.

BusySomethings: No.

Tallgirl6234: Watch me!

BusySomethings: Yeah.

WellReadHead: Regardless if if it's a married couple or not.

WellReadHead: being staying neutral when 2 friends are fighting with each other is tough.

BusySomethings: Yep.

WellReadHead: It's tough.

Tallgirl6234: Yeah.

WellReadHead: You kind of naturally get. Everybody else gets kind of naturally plumbed into the middle of things, and you're

WellReadHead: pulled back and forth, and

WellReadHead: if you try to tell one that you agree with them on this thing, but not on this thing, and try to tell the other one the same thing.

Tallgirl6234: Oh, man!

Tallgirl6234: Like.

WellReadHead: You know.

Tallgirl6234: One side, the other side, and then the truth. And when the 3rd friend was like in the room for it to happen and be like. Here's what actually went down. It's like, Oh, God.

Tallgirl6234: There's now 57 dynamic dimensions of this story that, like, I do so hope we can get past.

Tallgirl6234: There are moments in text chains where I'm just like. And this is when we all stop being friends like this is never. People are never going to get past this moment. It will forever divide the group.

BusySomethings: Yep.

BusySomethings: Do you think that

BusySomethings: separate from this from, you know, breakups and and all? Do you think it is ever acceptable for ghosting of friends.

Tallgirl6234: I think, pre-ghosting there's signs like ghosting is the last step, I think terrible people don't tell you

Tallgirl6234: I have a girlfriend. Whenever she dates somebody

Tallgirl6234: everybody else like evaporates from her life. And then, as she's heading towards the breakup.

WellReadHead: No, you're.

Tallgirl6234: Suddenly you start getting texts. And then, like, you know, she she finds a photo from, you know, like 7th grade or something it's like, remember.

Tallgirl6234: And then there's the day of the breakup, when suddenly she's like, Okay, let's go to lunch and dinner and plan a vacation and do all these things, and then for the year and a half she's single.

Tallgirl6234: She is up your butt and has moved in furniture, and then the second she finds a guy it's done like, and we stuck with her for like the first, st second time, and then we were like.

BusySomethings: No.

Tallgirl6234: But at this point we expressed like.

Tallgirl6234: no, we moved on without you. We go on vacations without you like, you know. A don't get mad at us for living our lives while you're in a relationship.

Tallgirl6234: But, B, you cannot just drop us every single time you find somebody more important than us, and expect us to be waiting for this inevitable drop again.

BusySomethings: Yeah, I've had that with different people. Most recently with a guy friend and same situation

BusySomethings: when he's in a relationship.

BusySomethings: You know, it might be a text now and then.

BusySomethings: and then the second. If something goes wrong all of a sudden, it's consistent messaging. And

BusySomethings: and the one time when he was on the rocks with his last person, and he like just completely dropped me. And all this, and just like we, you know I was, I went from being. You're one of the people I could depend on.

BusySomethings: and basically kind of be like a secondary emergency contact. And you're like family to. I'm dropping you. And I said, You know, like, listen, if that's the case. Fine.

BusySomethings: But don't put me that just because you don't know how to balance

BusySomethings: personal and friendships like have both.

BusySomethings: So he's, you know. He's in a relationship now, and I I do. I wish him happiness, and I'm not

BusySomethings: not friends with him, but I know I can't be that type of friend all the time the way we had been, because it is not fair that I just

BusySomethings: disappear, and we weren't like everyday friends. So it wasn't like that. But

BusySomethings: I just now know where I am.

BusySomethings: and that's who he is, and

BusySomethings: still want to know what's going on in his life. Hope he's doing well all that sort of stuff, but that's not someone I'm going to constantly pour myself into

BusySomethings: when there's no reciprocation.

Tallgirl6234: no, it's kind of like an energy match. It's not a hundred percent, all the time. But like, if i'm putting 20% effort into you, and I haven't even seen 10% effort back.

Tallgirl6234: Fantastic agreed ever like

Tallgirl6234: I am pouring into like I'm pouring into your well and getting nothing, and it's not a tit for tat kind of thing, but like, at a certain point, it's just like I literally feel drained from our friendship, and I cannot sustain that.

WellReadHead: There are people who make you feel joyful and fulfilled, and there are people who take away.

WellReadHead: There are people who do both.

BusySomethings: Equally.

WellReadHead: You know, it's that's just the nature of human relationships. I think.

Tallgirl6234: One of my red flags is like, well, you know my partner doesn't like you, or my partner wants to go out with us like. They don't like us to eat alone. Kind of stuff, and I'm like no, no, no!

Tallgirl6234: 1st of all, let me explain to you. I can be friends with the opposite gender, and not be trying to sleep with them. So 1st of all, your partner doesn't trust you, and your partner also thinks that I am some kind of just floozy.

Tallgirl6234: So right there, the fact that you're also doubling down and confirming with them that I probably am a floozy, because, you know, we have to dine together is like

Tallgirl6234: no.

BusySomethings: No.

Tallgirl6234: No, if you're gonna set these rules in these like situations, and you're almost gonna create a situation.

Tallgirl6234: Call me when you guys get divorced, but otherwise, like I'm out like, - nuh-

BusySomethings: You're not.

Tallgirl6234: Nuh-

Tallgirl6234: No, ma'am.

BusySomethings: Yeah, I think that goes that goes with

BusySomethings: you know. Girlfriends, too, who, you know, has nothing to do with. You know they have a spout. There are friends who'd be like. Oh, you're hanging out with

BusySomethings: her, or you're hanging out with why, you always hanging out with those friends and not me, and it's like.

BusySomethings: I don't know sometimes schedules, how close we are. The interests we overlap in like.

Tallgirl6234: I think you have to be vulnerable enough to express to people when you're not getting what you need like. If you 2 are hanging out without me.

Tallgirl6234: Okay, I'm feeling jealous. I'm feeling unloved. I'm feeling like I should have been invited to Irish folk dance day. But you know, whatever I'm not Irish, apparently that doesn't count.

Tallgirl6234: But I think like sometimes you also need to speak up because you don't always know what's in somebody else's head you. I know that you don't like country music. I don't invite you to a country music concert. I'm not intentionally excluding you. I'm

Tallgirl6234: I'm just thinking, like. Okay, I'm giving you a pass because I don't need you to text me back like, Oh, my God, no.

Tallgirl6234: I don't know why I chose country music.

BusySomethings: Yeah.

Tallgirl6234: Been kidnapped if I had actually texted that

BusySomethings: No, and I think we've all 3 of us are very good about saying

BusySomethings: we. You know there are times in

BusySomethings: when we you know I'm with Tall or Tall and Read, or to get like we all have the different dynamics, and we've all agreed that it's not that we get jealous that we aren't included. We're just jealous because we're not with each other because we enjoy how much fun. But we are totally

BusySomethings: emotionally okay with the fact that 2 of us are hanging out without the 3.rd Sometimes that just happens that way, but it doesn't mean that the 3rd is

BusySomethings: less important.

BusySomethings: But we did those, you know, big girl things and had the discussions and talked about it.

Tallgirl6234: WellRead, threatened my life when we like. I don't know if the listeners know this, but we went to school together.

BusySomethings: Story time.

Tallgirl6234: We weren't always like bestie besties like this. You weren't always my emergency contacts

Tallgirl6234: busy. And I started hanging out, and I forget why, like I invited her somewhere, and then, like she was just a point in her life, and she's like I do that. And I do that. And I think we booked like 4 or 5 things in a row, and, like the 6th event WellRead, was gonna come with us.

Tallgirl6234: For some reason Busy didn't end up going with us. And it was like me and WellRead in a car. And well-red, basically threatened my life, for, like.

WellReadHead: Did not threaten.

Tallgirl6234: Just so we're clear. Don't steal my Bestie. I'll share her, but if you take her you die.

BusySomethings: I was not aware.

Tallgirl6234: I didn't realize, like how much.

WellReadHead: Less violent than that.

Tallgirl6234: Only I had had a dash. Cam.

Tallgirl6234: if only I had had a dash cam. I think we discussed for at least 20 min, taking me apart on a molecular level like you steal my lobster, you die.

BusySomethings: To be fair, Red. You have kind of replayed the situation with a violent like nature.

Tallgirl6234: But in a nice voice.

BusySomethings: In a nice voice, gentle tones, and all but there were.

WellReadHead: I wasn't yelling. I wasn't screaming. I wasn't.

BusySomethings: That doesn't mean you didn't make threats.

WellReadHead: Fair.

Tallgirl6234: Put you in the ground, but I'll make sure it's at least 8 feet, so the dogs can't sniff out your corpse.

WellReadHead: They will never find your body.

Tallgirl6234: But, like years later. I actually recognize, like what emotional progress that was, and to talk to somebody that you know. But to be so vulnerable with somebody, you know, like this is my lobster. Please don't take my lobster from me.

Tallgirl6234: but I see you're doing these shiny things without me, and it's really like

Tallgirl6234: over the years I've gained so much more respect for that conversation, because for you to have it.

Tallgirl6234: and to so explicitly like, lay it out there. To be like this is my person, but I think you might be stealing my person, and I was like, no, she's just available on Thursday nights. If you want to come like join on in like.

BusySomethings: We, we.

Tallgirl6234: Like that clarifying conversation was all it took to like.

Tallgirl6234: It could have turned out really bad, and instead, it was just like an awkward conversation.

WellReadHead: I also had the intention of making you my friend.

Tallgirl6234: I don't know why I mean that's when I question your mental health, but otherwise.

BusySomethings: Different shape.

WellReadHead: It is questionable. If friend shaped. Why not, friend?

Tallgirl6234: I really think that was. But like I didn't realize it, and did like years later, like I said something to Busy, and she was like, what now? And I'm like, oh, you think we only fight over red? No, Red just laid down a year's worth of death.

WellReadHead: I put down a boundary.

Tallgirl6234: Stuck in like turnpike traffic in the middle of a blistering hot summer like Bumper to Bumper. It was basically there was no escaping.

WellReadHead: It was. For 8 miles down this two-lane road.

Tallgirl6234: Just like eyeballs. I should have 2 retinal distanced holes through the side of my face from where she just burned this like you take her. You die

Tallgirl6234: thankfully. We had been at a winery, so I think we were like half a glass of sample wine in. So I was like mildly relaxed for this 2 mile an hour. Drive home.

BusySomethings: I still think that this is hysterical, that this happened because

BusySomethings: I I don't understand why. But

WellReadHead: You know.

Tallgirl6234: What?

WellReadHead: You don't need to understand. You just need to accept it.

BusySomethings: Yeah, that's still that that feels awkward. That's like someone playing, giving me compliment or something. And I'm just like, Oh, this is

WellReadHead: well, it is a compliment. Okay.

Tallgirl6234: They weren't here for this, but in the 30 min we didn't record, you mentioned somebody in another country, and I was like, who are you talking to?

Tallgirl6234: Who on earth are you texting without letting us know? Did you not hear that? I mean the listeners didn't? There's a transcript of it. But like.

Tallgirl6234: did you not? Did you miss that point?

BusySomethings: Okay. But still the fact of life threats is just baffling.

BusySomethings: That that was done over me.

Tallgirl6234: You know, like dragons who hoard gold, shiny things.

Tallgirl6234: We we hoard you.

BusySomethings: Awwwwwwww!

Tallgirl6234: No sharing, no sharing like they can look, they can't touch.

Tallgirl6234: and they certainly can't text more than 5 times a day.

BusySomethings: Oh, my God!

BusySomethings: I am both lucky and scared, having you 2 as my friend.

WellReadHead: Yay! That was the goal!

Tallgirl6234: I mean, you could have had other friends.

Tallgirl6234: We just buried them before you realized it.

BusySomethings: Right.

Tallgirl6234: They didn't ghost you. They're just gone. They are ghosts.

BusySomethings: Do you think that you have friends that fall? And I think we've touched a little bit on this to the low maintenance or high maintenance, and for different topics.

WellReadHead: Oh, yeah.

Tallgirl6234: I mean, I think it's like where you are in your life, like sometimes. Yeah, if you're going through a divorce, if you just had a kid, whatever like, I think we do shift up and down, based on

Tallgirl6234: what I can handle and what you need at the time.

BusySomethings: Yeah.

WellReadHead: Yeah, no. And and low maintenance doesn't necessarily mean low contact.

WellReadHead: High maintenance doesn't necessarily mean high contact.

WellReadHead: Doesn't necessarily mean low contact, either it it just all depends on.

WellReadHead: even by the minute where you are in your life.

BusySomethings: I think that's fair. I think that's and sometimes I think

BusySomethings: someone be going through what some might say is high maintenance. So let's say this, the divorce or health issue with a family member, and the situation is high maintenance for them, because they are so busy with dealing what they're dealing with and keeping their life together as best they can.

BusySomethings: But they themselves are not

BusySomethings: expressing the high maintenance need, like their situations are, but they're kind of grounded, and they're like, All right.

BusySomethings: Yes, my life is right now on fire.

BusySomethings: It is burning everywhere.

BusySomethings: But I'm getting through it, and they're kind of like trying you. You know that they're stressed, but they're keeping it

BusySomethings: moving as best as they can.

BusySomethings: And then there can be people who don't have anything going on in their life right now. Besides, everyday humdrum.

BusySomethings: you know, like life.

WellReadHead: This is what I made for dinner.

BusySomethings: What? Yeah, like, basic like, oh, yeah, I went to work. Had some traffic.

Tallgirl6234: Let me tell you about line 17 on my excel spreadsheet today.

BusySomethings: What was that?

Tallgirl6234: Like the people who tell you about work, but not just like oh, there was a meeting like down to the on line 17 of my excel spreadsheet.

Tallgirl6234: I filtered it.

BusySomethings: But they, while might, having a low maintenance, life can still be high maintenance, high maintenance.

BusySomethings: To maintain. So I think that there are definitely combinations and variations all along.

WellReadHead: The spectrum of friendship is real.

BusySomethings: Yes, you know, I think sometimes for me people.

BusySomethings: It's also, I think, what people let out, so I am told constantly by friends, you know. You can tell us when you are not okay or you're stressed out, or you need help. Please stop trying to always be the firstborn eldest daughter.

Tallgirl6234: You know that you could tell us when you're not okay.

BusySomethings: I know this, I'm working on it.

Tallgirl6234: Oh, I know, I know!

BusySomethings: I will send flares.

BusySomethings: It is a process I am evolving.

WellReadHead: And you know what you're starting to pick and choose to whom you unburden.

BusySomethings: Yes.

WellReadHead: It's not just. It's not just like one person anymore. It's you're

WellReadHead: starting to consciously choose people that you can. You can let go with.

BusySomethings: And also it's I. I just because I don't let go doesn't mean I don't trust the people. It's more of a me thing.

WellReadHead: -

BusySomethings: It's trauma, and how you're raised.

WellReadHead: But.

BusySomethings: I am learning, and I would say in the past 5 or 6 years.

BusySomethings: maybe a little bit more, being more open to say, all right, I can go. This is having to do with this aspect of my life. I could talk to A, and this is having to do with this person of this aspect, and I could talk to person B about this, and that's sometimes how I do it. And then there are people who have an idea of everything going on but sometimes, and it

BusySomethings: I think, sometimes also for me it's always been. Not that I can't depend on people, though that is some of it.

BusySomethings: but it's been to constantly have to reiterate what's going on.

BusySomethings: 2.

WellReadHead: If you.

BusySomethings: People.

WellReadHead: You get story of fatigue.

BusySomethings: Oh, my God! Like I am over my own voice and my life! I'm like Jesus. Can I just not talk, can we? Just? I'd like to hear about that excel sheet. What did you do in line 16 like? Tell me about something other than

BusySomethings: the firestorm that is my life.

WellReadHead: Yeah, or you find yourself a person that you can be silent with.

Tallgirl6234: Oh, God! That's.

WellReadHead: I know.

Tallgirl6234: Oh, I know there should be a tinder for silent friends.

BusySomethings: That is, listen!

Tallgirl6234: Just a picture of you on a couch, which is your most comfortable thing, and the thickest book that you can bring to just be the quiet friend.

WellReadHead: Snuggie, and the Biography of Theodore Roosevelt, by Edmund Morris.

Tallgirl6234: Folks.

WellReadHead: Hi.

Tallgirl6234: War, and peace. Just, you know.

WellReadHead: Yes.

BusySomethings: Just like, maybe if we want a little background noise, some like, you know, rain

BusySomethings: like, if it could be thundering or a light rain outside storm that would make me happy.

WellReadHead: We are not at all describing a scenario that has actually happened amongst the 3 of us.

BusySomethings: So we know.

Tallgirl6234: We have quiet hours on vacation. We institute a like. You can be drunk off your behind, but you will be mute, silent during these peaceful Zen hours of our vacation, because we recognize it's meant to be vacation.

BusySomethings: Correct.

BusySomethings: And and the funny thing of tall girl talking about the excel sheet is she's usually the one who starts as best an excel sheet.

Tallgirl6234: God.

BusySomethings: Broken down by 2.

Tallgirl6234: Lines, the lines and the auto filtering.

Tallgirl6234: Oh, mommy! Like.

BusySomethings: And we will have the sections. It's usually like definitely in the morning for a certain time.

BusySomethings: you know. Obviously, we're not going to be like completely rude to each other. If you need something, we'll say. Oh, you know, came past me stuff like that. But there is no heavy discussions. It is quiet. We get these 2 caffeinated. If I want to enjoy life.

WellReadHead: I usually make sure that happens. Yeah.

Tallgirl6234: I'm not saying that's why you come on vacation. But it.

WellReadHead: I know it's why I come on vacation that and my lemon and blueberry scones.

BusySomethings: The blue are.

WellReadHead: I'm aware.

Tallgirl6234: I mean, your facts have occasionally gotten Vacation Island, but not

Tallgirl6234: no, it's just, you know, at a certain point I'm trying to rest, and if you're trying to like, unpack your 5th grade drama, this is not.

Tallgirl6234: This is not the moment like I'm happy to deal with that when we're back in real life.

Tallgirl6234: not here. This, this is literally my designated vacation. Do not pack an extra baggage.

Tallgirl6234: You're a motion damage.

BusySomethings: But we will, I mean, listen, we do. We have definitely had moments when there have been nights after dinner, and we're just like sitting there, and we're like couple of drinks in. And we're talking about different things. But we're not doing like laying on the couch.

BusySomethings: you know, sobbing into a you know, a pillow.

Tallgirl6234: About a soda bottle. Perchance. Is this a personal attack.

BusySomethings: No, I wasn't gonna bring that. But yeah, that's a good situation.

WellReadHead: It's a good story. For another time.

WellReadHead: The Cbd model.

BusySomethings: Someone cried about it.

WellReadHead: Ask us about it, folks. We might we might record a separate.

Tallgirl6234: We don't need to. We don't need to. This is one of those segments that you cut.

Tallgirl6234: I'm perfect in every way, and I have never done anything ridiculous.

WellReadHead: You're Mary Poppins. We know.

BusySomethings: Oh, she, that I have a very deep love for Mary from my childhood. Don't you just give that away?

BusySomethings: But I think that we do talk about things. We just don't. If we know that this is a vacation and we designate, it's time to vacate. If we were now, if we were gonna go to like

BusySomethings: a wellness place where the whole point of that is like a therapeutic weekend, and we all shed emotional baggage cool. We have not done that.

Tallgirl6234: Sort of 1st vacation or our second. We were sitting in the house with the spiders.

BusySomethings: That was the first.st

WellReadHead: That was.

Tallgirl6234: And we cried by like fireplace, like I think it was like. 10 min after dinner we had like an emotional purge, and then the rest of the vacation was.

BusySomethings: I don't remember.

WellReadHead: Me!

Tallgirl6234: Oh, was it? Okay?

Tallgirl6234: Oh, it's partially about you. Yeah.

BusySomethings: Okay.

Tallgirl6234: But like, yeah, I was like, Wow, this is, this is a different kind of vacation with these ladies. I don't usually cry fireside at 8 o'clock at night, mostly sober.

BusySomethings: And and to also explain to the the listeners. The house we had rented was like an old.

WellReadHead: Oh, my!

BusySomethings: 18th century house, so.

WellReadHead: House for my school.

BusySomethings: House it was. It was

BusySomethings: beautiful, but it wasn't up kept in all the places, so there was a good amount of spiders.

Tallgirl6234: Here and there.

Tallgirl6234: We printed it from the Slider.

WellReadHead: Single thing in it.

BusySomethings: Yeah. Yes.

Tallgirl6234: The house is rented by spiders. They just use Jane as the name of the person on Airbnb. We rented the home from the spiders, and they didn't leave.

WellReadHead: The other mother from Coraline, with the spiders.

BusySomethings: Yeah, so.

WellReadHead: yes, we talk about things, we, we establish rules, we establish boundaries, and I think that's honestly how you

WellReadHead: match expectations in a friendship.

WellReadHead: We talk about things.

BusySomethings: Now, have you ever grown apart from someone, and felt guilty.

WellReadHead: Yeah, I can think of at least 3 people right now.

Tallgirl6234: Not guilty, but I miss them.

Tallgirl6234: but I also like in my head. I'm like it is not worth going back into this like I miss what we had. I miss who we were.

Tallgirl6234: But there's a reason we're not friends anymore. And like, if I get to that point, I'm like, I've

Tallgirl6234: I miss what was I don't miss what is or what will be, because I just

Tallgirl6234: When I am done, I am done.

BusySomethings: Did you feel guilt red in your situations that you were thinking about.

WellReadHead: I have given up friends without guilt. I have, that is, the more frequent happening. But there are

WellReadHead: 3 people in my life with whom nothing actually happened.

WellReadHead: Just life took us in different directions, and I

WellReadHead: have not gotten the chance to reconnect with

WellReadHead: them very frequently in in the years since. So it's

WellReadHead: it's it. Yeah, it's not a sense of guilt. It's more a sense of wistfulness or.

BusySomethings: Hmm.

Tallgirl6234: Are there people who've broken up with you that you want to like? Get back like you're the receiver.

BusySomethings: Hello!

Tallgirl6234: The ghost.

BusySomethings: It's not so for me, I would think. And this is how you

BusySomethings: tall girl and I used got like reconnected because I had a high school friend who I knew through high school, and and so on, and

BusySomethings: at the time my father passed

BusySomethings: they were not. They felt I was shutting them down, and not

BusySomethings: I, was not mourning the way they thought I should the way they had mourned when they lost a parent.

BusySomethings: and

BusySomethings: ultimately there were 3 of us in that Friendship Group, and this person, you know, quote broke up with both of us, and even though I was the one who lost the parent. The other the 3rd person hadn't

BusySomethings: was just kind of like a bystander and you know it started with, well, you're not letting me be there for you, and I'm like I'm not letting anyone be there for you like this was when I was really closed off from letting people help me like, you know, I have my mom 10 feet from my my door, my bedroom door, and I'm not letting her help me right now. So it's not you. It is literally me. And then it came into other stuff of you know, I was in support of a new relationship based on

BusySomethings: parameters she had put up for herself. And what and so whatnot, you know, it hurt because we had. The 3 of us had gone through so much together

BusySomethings: and been there for a lot of big things in our lives, and at that time I don't.

BusySomethings: Would I ever, if I ever saw her, you know. Would I be open to talking? Of course I don't wish her ill.

BusySomethings: her her, you know. One parent is connected to me, honest on a Linkedin actually, and will message me now and then, and you know, just send me notes and is

BusySomethings: wonderful, and I have no problems with him. And

BusySomethings: I don't know if it would be the same. I know that. You know she's moved in life and and

BusySomethings: in relationships, marriage children, and I'm happy for her, because I know that was important for her.

BusySomethings: I don't know. Like I I it wouldn't be the same because there's been. It was such a hard divide.

BusySomethings: and one that I wasn't looking for, or truly, I guess, understood why it happened.

WellReadHead: But.

BusySomethings: At that time it literally like I went. If it was a Saturday that we had the discussion, the 3 of us, and and it went, you know, to hell in a basket. The next day I was at an event

BusySomethings: at mutual friends, and that's when I reconnected with tall girl.

BusySomethings: and I told you before. I think that was.

WellReadHead: Kismet.

BusySomethings: Yeah, I think that was the universe saying, not that there was anything wrong with the 1st friendship.

BusySomethings: and the 3rd person who is like a bystander.

BusySomethings: All 3 of us talk to and are engaged with. So we stayed in touch.

BusySomethings: But I think that was the University saying, like, all right. Maybe this friendship

BusySomethings: as wonderful as they've been as much as you've gone through. Maybe it has taken its course.

BusySomethings: and I'm gonna reconnect you with someone who

BusySomethings: will be there for your long term.

BusySomethings: and like, you know, you were connected. But you never like long, you know. You weren't overly connected. But I'm going to put someone back in your life

BusySomethings: who is going to bring a balanced, healthy, chaotic but wonderful friendship to you.

Tallgirl6234: Don't know it now. But in 10 short years she's gonna force you to podcast and you in a chamber, in her basement, during non podcasting.

BusySomethings: Like she gets weird about you. You know how short your hair is.

BusySomethings: And don't get too connected to her mother.

BusySomethings: but I think that like it hurt at the time.

BusySomethings: I don't feel pain about it now. We've talked in passing. She had a relative pass when I went back to where the country she was born that I connected with, and she was nice enough to let me know. Hey? This family member passed, and I was like, you know, I'm so sorry. And I looked for photos that I had from that trip, and I sent it to her. I'm like, in case. You didn't have these.

BusySomethings: you know, and that. But like

BusySomethings: I don't know I'm at peace with it. It doesn't hurt now.

BusySomethings: And I wish she's I hope she's well in life.

BusySomethings: but I don't. I don't know if I would want it back.

BusySomethings: It might. If if it came back it would be a brand new relationship.

Tallgirl6234: Oh!

BusySomethings: How about you?

BusySomethings: My answer was just, no, I don't have anything quite so eloquent.

BusySomethings: Okay.

WellReadHead: As busy. No, there's nobody who's let me go that I would want back in my life.

BusySomethings: All right. Well, that is all for today. If you are reevaluating your friendships, you're not alone.

WellReadHead: If you enjoyed this subscribe, leave a review or share it with a friend who always texts back first.st

Tallgirl6234: Need more chaotic discussions. I don't know why you would, after this join us on Patreon, for deeper dives and more unfiltered takes.

BusySomethings: Until next time, remember.

WellReadHead: Friendships, take work.

Tallgirl6234: And sometimes a little well-timed, ghosting.

BusySomethings: We'll see you next time.