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Transcript for The Cost of Caring Too Much: When Empathy Becomes Self-Sacrifice

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hello, I want to talk to you today about empathic people in relationship. And

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: as aside from that, why, we might attract narcissistic partners.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So let's 1st look at how you might identify. If you are an empath.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I identify as one myself, and I can see the pattern of relating that that has created

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: in my life and relationships.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So here's some questions to ask.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Are you really sensitive emotionally?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Can you feel the emotional atmosphere in a room.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: even though no one has said anything.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Are you generous caring, often intuitively understanding others, even before they do really feeling for them?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Is it natural for you to look after those feelings spontaneously.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: kindly, and without thought for yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: is all of this second nature to you?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Are you the sensitive one in your family, easing difficult times, keeping the peace or nurturing those that you perceive to have extra needs for care.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: If any of this is you, you may well be an empath.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: There are wonderful qualities about being an empath.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and they contribute to the warmth, love, and kindness in the world.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and I feel immensely grateful to share the planet with you and have some of you close to me in this world.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: What I'm concerned with here is where the empath part of you gets out of balance

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and potentially does you harm, maybe even weakens those you are in relationship with.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It's the shadow side of your loving heart.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: There's a little caveat here, too.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: If you are an empath, you're likely to blame shame. Hold yourself responsible, and feel mortified that you haven't done better.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Please treat yourself with compassion here.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you don't know the things you don't know.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and we're all on a big learning curve in emotional development and health, particularly at the moment.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So I want to think about some of the ways that we can identify. If our empathy is out of balance.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: it's it's where we don't keep our boundaries.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and we don't keep ourselves emotionally safe or nourished.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Do you often give way to the needs of others ahead of your own.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: moving beyond natural generosity and heartfelt warmth into self-sacrifice.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Do you find it hard to choose whether or not to give, that you feel somehow compelled to take care of the other, or feel guilty, or ashamed, or just downright bad? If you don't.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: do you find it difficult to identify

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and assert your own feelings and needs?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Do you know what they are?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Do you consistently prioritise the feelings and needs of others?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Do you compromise too much?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Do you have phases where you're mentally and emotionally, possibly physically exhausted, because you've given too much.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and it's made you on some level ill.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And how do you feel if this is you?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: How do you feel when you're living like this.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Here are some possibilities you may feel lost when you don't have someone to care for.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: to give a focus to in your life.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you might foster the dependence of the other on you, because it gives you a feeling of worth, satisfaction.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: a sense of your own capability, or a pride in your ability to love and endure.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: But that's not sorry. That's not mature interdependence.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It's codependence.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You may not have had the experience of being able to safely depend emotionally on another person.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Be it your parents, your siblings, friends, and family, you may not, so you don't know yet that skill

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: to enable that in yourself

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: the chances are you might feel neglected in relationships less loved and cared for than you want to be, maybe unconsidered.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You might even feel resentful, yet not able to express your needs because you can't justify them to yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It could be that you're feeling

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: yours are unjustified when someone else's needs seem so much more valid or pressing.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You might think it's obvious to another person how you feel, because their feelings are so obvious to you.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: All of these things may contribute to that lack of balance and the shadow side

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: of your empathy coming to the fore.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: There's another dynamic to this as well, because if this is out of balance in you, you're likely to be susceptible to attracting narcissistic partners, not on purpose.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: not intentionally.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It may just be a repeating pattern that somehow you find people

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: who are looking for someone to meet all their needs, to look after their feelings, to take all the responsibility for how things go in the relationship, or even your life together.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And there's a risk you could be setting yourself up to do just that.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: There's also another danger. Even if your partner

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: isn't like that. To begin with.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you can subtly condition them, to neglect you

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and to make more ruthless demands for themselves, because that's how you set up the dynamics through your own self-denial

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and your affirmation of the importance of their needs.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And none of this may be conscious. It's just a spontaneous way of being that you may have developed from very early on in life.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It's obvious that we don't have all the power or control in a relationship.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: But if we take ownership of our part in creating less than satisfactory relationships.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: we can make sure that that never happens again.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It's not that we are totally responsible or deficient, as we may be tempted to tell ourselves that we are.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: we are susceptible to self-blame and shame and guilt.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I mean only that we can change the negative impact of our unconscious patterns and create a better opportunity for love to show up in a richer way for us and our partners.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So let's look at the subtle ways we can condition our partners and undermine our equality.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: One way is to give out mother energy rather than lover energy.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It comes from. The mother knows best part of us as an empath.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: We may have had mothers that knew best.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It may be that modeling, or it may just be what we have done to compensate for lack of mothering

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: lack of emotional support.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: We can sometimes feel quite superior

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: giving unsolicited help and advice, or taking over.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and this quietly fosters distance and disempowerment in both directions in the relationship.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It's the wrong kind of feminine in a relationship.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: This sexual energy becomes skewed, diluted, dulled.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You may not be allowing the other person to care for you the way that they can.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: nor allowing their autonomy, you may be quietly undermining them by taking care too quickly.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It can be downright emasculating, and that's definitely not what we want in our male partners.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and nor in our female ones either. We don't want helpless others as partners. We want an equal

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: who can really give us something, and that's the other danger with being an empath.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: We think we don't need anything, and quite often we think we don't deserve to be given to

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: the problem with creating that helplessness in somebody else is that we can also then become contemptuous of their helplessness and ineptitude.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I remember a woman once telling me that when her partner moved in with her.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: She may as well have been changing his nappy.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: but I also saw the pattern in her and the group that we were in, that she would take responsibility to help other people whether they wanted it or not.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and I could see that he had probably withdrawn under that onslaught of oh, soft, gloved domination!

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: See what you think about that!

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: If you really begin to see that your partner is helpless and inept.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you'll lose respect for them, and that's not good for love, either.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: If you haven't inadvertently infantilised them.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: unconsciously needing them to depend on you emotionally for your self-esteem, those would be the consequences.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You might find that you've taken responsibility financially for housing, for work.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: for all of the household tasks, for helping them develop and grow.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You may just let them off all of that.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: That's not healthy

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: as a part of that. In that context context you may also

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: inadvertently let the other person control you.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: The people with narcissistic traits will see you coming.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Well, pick up on your desire to please and take care of others.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and see you as a gift that keeps on giving to them.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and they can really plug into your shame and self self, shaming, self blaming.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and they'll gaslight and emotionally blackmail you into giving way to their demands.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: When you get to the end of your generosity and self-sacrifice.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: they'll push you to your limits and always want more.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and you'll always be in the wrong, and you'll get to feel the helpless little child type of energy.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and maybe even be afraid of them.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And that's a horrible place to reach, to come away from and recover. We hear stories all the time of people in power and control relationships, and they were quite often powerful people to begin with, with, lots to give

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: who found somebody else with lots of taking in them.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You may even have sold yourself down the river

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and be significantly under their power and control.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You need to get good support. To tear yourself away and stay away.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: A narcissistic person, losing their carer, will fight tooth and claw to keep them, and they won't play fair.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: They'll try all sorts of ways, subtle or blatant, to manipulate you, to come back or to stay.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So this might include love bombing, cold, shouldering, verbally attacking, always shaming and blaming, telling you, you're crazy.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: have a look at my earlier podcasts with Helen Eisenhower

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: on power and control, and with

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Eva Andreasen on all of the qualities of narcissistic relationships.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I'm guessing you might be wondering how these patterns could have developed.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And, as usual, it's probably in your childhood.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: so much is outside of our conscious awareness.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: If you're an empath, you've probably experienced significant trauma.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: it's either by losses, abuse, or neglect at the hands of your parents or caregivers. That's not to say that they've done that intentionally, you know. Emotional care has just really been

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: in our common language, probably from the turn of the century

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: before that it wasn't really there.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So let's look at what your role in your family may have been.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you've likely been the emotional carer.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: the one who looked after a vulnerable parent, or prevented arguments, a sort of managed without.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: because there was too much else going on lots of demands in the family.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You may have been the canary in the mine. You could feel the emotional temperature or anxiety level, rising

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: long before anyone else, and would take its toll on you.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You might have been criticised for being too sensitive.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You might have needed to withdraw, to stay safe.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: or try to make peace between different members of the family.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Try and keep everyone safe.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You probably learned to suppress your feelings and needs

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: because those around you weren't capable of meeting them.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and it was a mechanism to avoid pain and overwhelm.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You became highly sensitive to the atmosphere.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and did what you could to steady the ship for your own survival.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: That may just be on emotional level. And in a way, there's no just about that.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: But it may also have been on a practical level.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It wasn't safe in that context for you to express your feelings and needs. There weren't enough resources there to meet you. It wasn't the awareness or understanding

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: to meet those feelings and needs.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Maybe your parents were just so busy looking after everything. There wasn't space for emotional connection and support

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: in bygone times, emotional intelligence and education were just not in consciousness.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Let's look now at what you do. If you find yourself over functioning, taking too much responsibility in relationships, burning out

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: yourself or disempowering your partner.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Define what's really important to you.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: What are your healthy requirements in a relationship.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It might be that you need to look after

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: yourself more, you know. Really think of

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: how you would like to feel and feel in an ideal world

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and start to give that to yourself. It would be really difficult, likely, because

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: it's out of your comfort zone. It's out of your experience. So you need to cultivate that self-care.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You could listen to podcast. Number 12,

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: which is all about the feelings and needs meditation. And how to do that for yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, really care for yourself as you'd wish to be cared for by your true love partner, your soulmate.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: give yourself what you'd wish to receive from your love.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: talk to yourself with love and compassion, give yourself time, encourage yourself, forgive yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and really acknowledge that you're not totally responsible for how things go in your relationships not totally

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: can't change the other person. But you can change you. That's the bit you're responsible for.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: If you're in a relationship, develop the skills, communicate your feelings and needs and your desires.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and say how, having them would make you feel, and what that would mean to you.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: This will give your partner a chance to provide good support for you, to provide those things.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: ask for help when you need it, and before you need it, before you're desperate

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: step back when the urge to take charge, rescue, or make up for what you might see as your partner's deficiency.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Let them step up, button your lip.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Keep your mouth shut. When you want to correct, criticize, or advise without being asked.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Keep your attention on yourself to find a healthier balance.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Give yourself time, attention, gifts, experiences. You'd like to receive.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Fill your cup with all the things and experiences you've longed for. But don't allow yourself

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and ask for them. For your part, from your partner and others in life.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: it might feel selfish at first, st

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: might feel embarrassing, might feel exposing vulnerable making.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: But it's necessary to be a full person to be successful, and not being selfless.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: If you don't love yourself in this very practical way.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you will be giving from an empty cup.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and likely be resentful and possibly passive, aggressive.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Doing. This keeps you in your feminine

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and full to overflowing of the love you so much want to give and receive.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: have a look at my blogs and podcasts on the subject of self-love

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and check out my other life podcasts

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and things on Facebook. If you want to about successful dating and relationships.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Thank you for listening to me today.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and I wish you great love

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: in this world, in this life, for you.

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