Lao Tzu once wrote “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them;

that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things

flow naturally forward in whatever way they like”.

We all have to lose people during our lifetime, be it through distance, a breakup,

a change of circumstances, or even death. The process of losing people hurts and hurts even

more when we cannot seem to let the person we lost go. In relationships, we often act in

contrast to what Taoism preaches. We cling onto our partners, feel attached and hold on tight.

For example, when a relationship is going badly, many partners have the intuition to

be more present, more confronting and more active within the relationship. However,

this can feel controlling and pressuring for their partner, only worsening the tension. However if

they learn how to take a step back and allow their partner their own space to breathe, they

feel more free and relaxed to take further steps within the relationship. Holding onto a partner is

like holding onto sand: the more you squeeze it, the more it slips through your fingers. Instead,

partners who allow each other their own space and lives have the best relationships.

Furthermore, a rejection and breakup are often seen as tragedies - something to be avoided at

all costs. Think of people fighting tooth and nail to keep their relationship afloat when it

is clearly making both partners unhappy, or of people trying again and again to

ask someone out who’s already expressed disinterest. Actually, being able to let

go of a potential partner can be the very best thing to do for your own growth and happiness.

There is a story in Taoism of a Taoist sage named Zhuangzi. He was taking a walk in the

mountains when he encountered a thick and crooked tree. By the tree, Zhuangzi met a

lumberjack who refused to cut it down. ‘It is worthless,’ the lumberjack explained. ‘There

is nothing this tree could be used for!’ To this, Zhuangzi said, ‘Well, because of

its worthlessness, this tree can now continue to grow and live out its years peacefully.’

In other words: its uselessness to the lumberjack was a blessing for the tree.

The same can be said for the rejections we encounter throughout our lives. The tree

was rejected by the lumberjack and consequently got the freedom and space to grow old and more

beautiful. Whenever we are deemed unfit or not good enough by someone else and they reject us,

they also give us the space to spend more time with ourselves and grow. Every minute

not spent with someone who is not right for us is a minute we can invest in ourselves. In this way,

we can see rejection as a blessing in disguise. This knowledge might make it easier for us to let

the one who rejected us or broke up with us go. We can either keep chasing them,

only to be disappointed and worn out, or accept their rejection as an invitation

to work and focus on ourselves. Not all people are good for each other,

just like the lumberjack and the tree were not right for each other. By focusing on

ourselves and our growth instead, we can learn how to let go of someone else.

The same can be said for more intense cases of letting go, such as having to

let someone go due to life circumstances or even death. Although these scenarios do not

generally mean that you are better off alone, it is still possible to find your peace with

these losses. This is important, because if you do not find your peace with these losses,

you will always fight against the circumstances of life and exhaust yourself by being unhappy.

Taoism believes that life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes and if we resist, we will

suffer. Birth, life and death are just other changes in the world that one has to deal with,

and some changes are less desirable than others. If you’re a big fan of summertime, for example,

you’re unlikely to be happy when autumn starts. However, the very best you can do is just accept

the end of summer because such a thing was inevitable and is now unchangeable. Similarly,

death is inevitable. You must face your grief and sorrow and learn how to deal with it.

For example, you may find that journaling, talking to others about memories, honoring

their hobbies or favorite music by engaging with it, recounting your happiest memories with them,

or anything else, may help. But in order to be able to do any of this, one must face and accept

that their loved one is gone. If you eventually accept a loss, you will also find you have more

room and energy to move forward with life and to allow yourself to feel happy again.