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Transcript for Self-Love Isn’t Selfish—It’s Essential - with Lisa Hawkins

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hello, everybody! I'm here today with the lovely Lisa Hawkins, and we're going to talk about self-love and self abandonment.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Now remember, don't roll your eyes when it comes to self-love, because that's what we're wired for in our culture and in our families.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: we really need to let go of self abandonment, because without that there's very little progress.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Let me introduce Lisa.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: She's a relationship and self-awareness coach and the founder of consciously awake counselling

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: for over 26 years she's been passionate about passionate about the human experience.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Why, we love, how we connect.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and what gets in the way

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: she works with both men and women to awaken the part of themselves that already knows how to love deeply.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: freely, and consciously, through spiritual inquiry, emotional accountability, and her signature pause. Method.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Lisa helps people question old beliefs, shift their patterns and create authentic relationships.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And this starts with the one you have with yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Her work is about truth, healing and connection at a higher level, whether you're navigating love, healing from heartbreak

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: or learning to trust yourself again.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Lisa brings wisdom, presence, and a deep respect for the human experience.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Welcome, Lisa, and thank you so much for joining me on this brilliant topic.

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Lisa: Thank you so much for having me. I'm very honored to be here today.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, real joy.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So let's start off with the question of what people think self-love is, and then maybe you can explain to me more fully what you think it is.

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Lisa: I noticed that a lot of people think self love is self-indulgence.

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Lisa: Some people.

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Lisa: mostly women, believe that self-love is hot baths and and going out with your friends, and you know.

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Lisa: buying clothes and taking care of your body and all that, and that can be part of self-love.

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Lisa: But it's not the entirety of it.

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Lisa: Self-love is when we are truly present with all aspects of ourself. Even the parts we don't like.

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Lisa: even the parts that we would rather run away from.

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Lisa: And we love those parts like we would a child that's having a tantrum or struggling moment where they're not getting what they want, and we

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Lisa: dive into that, embrace it, love that part, and look at it with curiosity.

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Lisa: and oftentimes we dive into self negativity.

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Lisa: We judge ourselves, we talk harshly to ourselves.

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Lisa: We talked to ourselves in a way that we would never speak to another soul.

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Lisa: So self-love is about holding yourself accountable for how you treat yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, yeah, I'm in complete agreement with that. It it's so interesting that

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: pampering is okay. But true self-love feels like vanity or pride.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: They're the sort of

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: sinful words which is an interesting thing. I wasn't thinking of it in any religious terms, but I think those sorts of threads run through. Certainly British society. And I'm guessing American society, too, for women, at least.

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Lisa: Yes, it does. And other cultures around the world, too.

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Lisa: I think it's systemic where women are

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Lisa: raised, not knowing what self-love is, obligations, duties.

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Lisa: Societal conditioning often comes before self-love.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, being raised to care for others, not yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: To be self-sacrificial, even.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Certainly identify with that myself, and was raised that way.

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Lisa: And oftentimes they see self-love as being selfish.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And I want to reclaim the word selfish, you know, because self selfless is horrible, selfish.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It feels to me like it should be a good and positive word.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you know, self-centred is also considered bad. But actually, if you're not centered on yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: there's not much else there.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You're living.

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Lisa: You're giving from an empty cup.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

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Lisa: It's a 10.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Me some more of what you you mean by

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: sitting with all the different parts of yourself, embracing all the different parts of yourself.

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Lisa: Oh, it's been such an incredible journey

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Lisa: on my own with this, and I do practice it

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Lisa: myself. So I'm very aware when some aspect of me is just absolutely not happy

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Lisa: with whatever's going on in the present moment.

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Lisa: and it could be a tantrum. It could be rage. It could be

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Lisa: really angry at myself for doing or saying something that I thought I shouldn't do.

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Lisa: and a lot of us

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Lisa: run from that. We'll vice it out, cope it out. We'll do all kinds of things to distract ourselves from it, or we will ignore that part of ourselves and go do something else.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

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Lisa: So what I suggest is, and I and I have a spot in my bedroom that I go

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Lisa: to be with myself, and I just sit there and allow myself to feel, however uncomfortable I am feeling

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Lisa: whether that's rage or disappointment.

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Lisa: and I allow myself to fully fill it. I just don't get up off the seat

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Lisa: until which time that part of me has got to fully feel what it needs to feel and express it.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And then I love that part.

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Lisa: I really do. I go up to it, and I hug it and allow it to feel accepted

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Lisa: for what it was experiencing.

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Lisa: and this can be difficult, difficult for a lot of women, because they're not used to being with any part of themselves.

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Lisa: They're used to giving out.

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Lisa: And so that's the discomfort part right?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And there's big judgment if it's tantrum or anger. Women really still aren't supposed to feel that we're supposed to be tearful and emotional and vulnerable.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: but certainly not assertive or angry, whatever that is considered somehow bad behaviour for women.

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Lisa: So you can allow yourself to feel all of that.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

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Lisa: Verbally or nonverbally. Sometimes I verbalize the anger and rage that I'm feeling.

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Lisa: and that part of me is allowed to do that.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

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Lisa: That's where the love is right, where you love yourself enough to allow that part of you to experience what it needs to experience.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Now this is key. Again. I think a key word for me is allowing.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Because the sort of conditioning I had as a child was you're not allowed. You're not allowed to speak up. You're not allowed to ask what you want.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You're not allowed to have needs that are inconvenient.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I mean, this is speaking about me, but I don't think it's uncommon, you know.

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Lisa: It isn't uncommon.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

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Lisa: And it's very sad.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm!

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And allowing all of those feelings, and being with them.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you know, in a kind, compassionate presence, is so beautiful and so freeing.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And the other part that comes up for me is the wisdom you know.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: How do you know what is old stuff, and how do you know what's discernment?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Once you've let all those feelings out, you've got a much clearer perspective. Is that.

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Lisa: Like.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Or is that the young you saying

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: this reminds me of something bad that happened when I was young. This is a red flag for you. I'm here to let you know.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And then adult, you can decide what to do about it.

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Lisa: Exactly. You can't do that when you're busy running from it.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Tell me more about what happens if we run from it. If we sell ourselves out or abandon ourselves.

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Lisa: Yeah, we are bending ourselves. We don't realize it.

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Lisa: And it's because we weren't taught that we have different aspects within ourselves.

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Lisa: And so when we're experiencing something like shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment.

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Lisa: Our 1st instinct is to just go find something to do to make that discomfort go away.

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Lisa: and in that way. You are abandoning that part of you that's experiencing something very uncomfortable. And it really needs to be heard.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

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Lisa: So you are abandoning yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: yes, and if you don't really hear those things, and you don't really take notice of yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you know, from my experience with coaching and calling in the one conscious uncoupling. That means you train other people to treat you accordingly.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: unconsciously, unintentionally. But that's the upshot. If you say my feelings and needs don't matter. Everybody else will think, Oh, your feelings and needs don't matter.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

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Lisa: And part of your work and your work, and my work is to sit with that part of us

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Lisa: that feels our feelings and needs and wants don't matter.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Thank you.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, yeah, I think you know as well this is not quite as easy as it sounds.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: because I think we need somebody initially to model that with us, to make it feel safe enough.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And that's where therapy and coaching comes in.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You can't change that resistance to feeling just by saying, right, I'm going to feel now.

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Lisa: Very true. It is very true. Yeah, it really does in my experience, help when you have someone witness you.

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Lisa: And to show you what being present with yourself is like.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, it gives you a model that then

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you can grow that kind of presence in yourself. You can find that presence in yourself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I had a therapist years ago, whose voice I still hear.

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Lisa: Billy.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: What about you? Then heather? What about you? Heather? It's great.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

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Lisa: And so you ask, what about you?

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

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Lisa: What do I need? What do I want? How am I feeling.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And there was a connection between us, because we both wore pearls. So when I hold my pearls, or I think, okay, she's here.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It makes that connection, and it it deepens that presence in myself.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: She did say to me, I'm going to be with you till you're a very old lady, and beyond.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And it's true.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And once you've got that inside you.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: that's a real start. That's the green shoot that you can grow your tree of self presence around.

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Lisa: Yes, and that self-love.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

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Lisa: And it is beautiful, and

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Lisa: if I do anything with my work I want women to understand. The greatest love you can have is with yourself.

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Lisa: and with that it gives you

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Lisa: a full cup to offer it to someone else.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, yeah, it's very beautiful.

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Lisa: It is indeed.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So why does this feel so wrong.

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Lisa: Hmm!

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Lisa: Well, we touched on that earlier. We were conditioned.

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Lisa: Women all over the world in all cultures were conditioned

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Lisa: that you don't think of yourself.

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Lisa: Your purpose on this earth is to

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Lisa: find a partner, have children raise them, and to give, give, give. And so the idea of doing something

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Lisa: like self-love and self-acceptance feels really wrong because we were taught that it was wrong.

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Lisa: And I don't know that any culture that I've experienced or read about has actually said, it's wrong.

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Lisa: But here's the thing. It's covert in its meaning.

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Lisa: Where we get the idea that it's wrong.

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Lisa: And we also think it's wrong because it's uncomfortable.

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Lisa: It's new. It's something we've not experienced before.

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Lisa: and many of us was taught to run from discomfort to avoid it.

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Lisa: And so it does feel wrong because it's so foreign.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And I think there's the illusion

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: that if we look after ourselves we won't be able to look after others.

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Lisa: And then.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And actually, the strength that comes from self care

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: creates a wave of self-care in others around us. So we're all able to care for ourselves and each other better.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I think it's a very rich vein.

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Lisa: It is.

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Lisa: and when you have a lot of we'll just say women around you that know how to care for themselves and can give to others. You have a fulfilling, thriving community of women

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Lisa: instead of competition instead of hurt feelings, instead of lashing out, and some of the other behaviors that happen.

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Lisa: So when you love yourself, you accept yourself, and you give from a place of being full.

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Lisa: You have a different experience.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, yeah, it's great.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: This changes the narrative completely. And what society says.

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Lisa: Yeah. It rocks the boat.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So tell me about your own ongoing journey.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: How is all this showing up for you? If you feel like sharing it.

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Lisa: Oh, it's

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Lisa: I sometimes cry, it's beautiful! It's absolutely, incredibly beautiful. And I had never in my life dreamt that my personal growth would lead me

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Lisa: to a love that's just indescribable, and I look forward to

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Lisa: the uncomfortable moments now when I get to go, sit with myself and learn more about myself

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Lisa: and embrace myself more and more. It's just. There are no words really

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Lisa: self-love. It's just incredible. So I'm always challenged from one wit to the next, with something that happens in life to give me an opportunity to go deeper.

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Lisa: It's an ongoing thing, and and

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Lisa: people might think, Well, you've been doing it for 32 years I have, and yet there's still more.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

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Lisa: My journey is not over. It's still yeah ongoing.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: No, I agree, and as each age of our growth comes, there's an evolution. So there's to come.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You just never know what's next on your journey. Do you.

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Lisa: You don't right, but the more you love yourself, the more you are prepared for it.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It's beautiful.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So if people want to work with you, where can they find you?

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Lisa: I have a website consciously await counseling.com.

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Lisa: You can find me on Facebook, Lisa Hawkins dating relationship.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Lovely. Thank you.

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Lisa: Yeah.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: All this in the show notes as well, just to make sure.

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Lisa: Thank you. It's been lovely being here.

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Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Thank you so much, Lisa.

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