Audioboom

Transcript for Self-Love Isn’t Selfish—It’s Essential - with Lisa Hawkins

00:00:02.590 → 00:00:11.900

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hello, everybody! I'm here today with the lovely Lisa Hawkins, and we're going to talk about self-love and self abandonment.

00:00:12.170 → 00:00:21.040

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Now remember, don't roll your eyes when it comes to self-love, because that's what we're wired for in our culture and in our families.

00:00:21.650 → 00:00:28.590

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: we really need to let go of self abandonment, because without that there's very little progress.

00:00:29.410 → 00:00:31.380

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Let me introduce Lisa.

00:00:31.700 → 00:00:38.880

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: She's a relationship and self-awareness coach and the founder of consciously awake counselling

00:00:39.240 → 00:00:45.450

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: for over 26 years she's been passionate about passionate about the human experience.

00:00:45.830 → 00:00:48.800

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Why, we love, how we connect.

00:00:49.300 → 00:00:51.430

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: and what gets in the way

00:00:52.520 → 00:01:01.190

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: she works with both men and women to awaken the part of themselves that already knows how to love deeply.

00:01:01.530 → 00:01:12.280

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: freely, and consciously, through spiritual inquiry, emotional accountability, and her signature pause. Method.

00:01:12.480 → 00:01:20.349

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Lisa helps people question old beliefs, shift their patterns and create authentic relationships.

00:01:21.020 → 00:01:24.819

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And this starts with the one you have with yourself.

00:01:25.600 → 00:01:35.480

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Her work is about truth, healing and connection at a higher level, whether you're navigating love, healing from heartbreak

00:01:35.790 → 00:01:38.469

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: or learning to trust yourself again.

00:01:39.130 → 00:01:45.889

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Lisa brings wisdom, presence, and a deep respect for the human experience.

00:01:47.170 → 00:01:52.600

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Welcome, Lisa, and thank you so much for joining me on this brilliant topic.

00:01:53.120 → 00:01:57.259

Lisa: Thank you so much for having me. I'm very honored to be here today.

00:01:57.450 → 00:01:59.380

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, real joy.

00:02:00.010 → 00:02:08.390

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So let's start off with the question of what people think self-love is, and then maybe you can explain to me more fully what you think it is.

00:02:09.180 → 00:02:16.200

Lisa: I noticed that a lot of people think self love is self-indulgence.

00:02:20.060 → 00:02:21.260

Lisa: Some people.

00:02:21.470 → 00:02:28.649

Lisa: mostly women, believe that self-love is hot baths and and going out with your friends, and you know.

00:02:28.940 → 00:02:35.790

Lisa: buying clothes and taking care of your body and all that, and that can be part of self-love.

00:02:36.530 → 00:02:38.640

Lisa: But it's not the entirety of it.

00:02:38.870 → 00:02:45.220

Lisa: Self-love is when we are truly present with all aspects of ourself. Even the parts we don't like.

00:02:46.100 → 00:02:50.670

Lisa: even the parts that we would rather run away from.

00:02:51.850 → 00:03:02.900

Lisa: And we love those parts like we would a child that's having a tantrum or struggling moment where they're not getting what they want, and we

00:03:03.380 → 00:03:11.049

Lisa: dive into that, embrace it, love that part, and look at it with curiosity.

00:03:11.650 → 00:03:15.919

Lisa: and oftentimes we dive into self negativity.

00:03:16.280 → 00:03:20.629

Lisa: We judge ourselves, we talk harshly to ourselves.

00:03:20.870 → 00:03:25.079

Lisa: We talked to ourselves in a way that we would never speak to another soul.

00:03:25.680 → 00:03:31.830

Lisa: So self-love is about holding yourself accountable for how you treat yourself.

00:03:33.280 → 00:03:39.360

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, yeah, I'm in complete agreement with that. It it's so interesting that

00:03:39.610 → 00:03:45.969

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: pampering is okay. But true self-love feels like vanity or pride.

00:03:46.100 → 00:03:48.499

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: They're the sort of

00:03:48.930 → 00:04:02.339

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: sinful words which is an interesting thing. I wasn't thinking of it in any religious terms, but I think those sorts of threads run through. Certainly British society. And I'm guessing American society, too, for women, at least.

00:04:03.470 → 00:04:07.280

Lisa: Yes, it does. And other cultures around the world, too.

00:04:09.000 → 00:04:11.849

Lisa: I think it's systemic where women are

00:04:12.620 → 00:04:19.019

Lisa: raised, not knowing what self-love is, obligations, duties.

00:04:19.230 → 00:04:23.709

Lisa: Societal conditioning often comes before self-love.

00:04:24.170 → 00:04:27.299

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, being raised to care for others, not yourself.

00:04:28.580 → 00:04:30.470

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: To be self-sacrificial, even.

00:04:31.520 → 00:04:34.610

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Certainly identify with that myself, and was raised that way.

00:04:36.240 → 00:04:40.459

Lisa: And oftentimes they see self-love as being selfish.

00:04:41.460 → 00:04:53.740

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And I want to reclaim the word selfish, you know, because self selfless is horrible, selfish.

00:04:53.890 → 00:04:58.010

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It feels to me like it should be a good and positive word.

00:04:58.270 → 00:05:05.709

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you know, self-centred is also considered bad. But actually, if you're not centered on yourself.

00:05:06.030 → 00:05:07.710

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: there's not much else there.

00:05:08.890 → 00:05:10.000

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You're living.

00:05:10.840 → 00:05:12.779

Lisa: You're giving from an empty cup.

00:05:13.030 → 00:05:13.600

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

00:05:15.850 → 00:05:16.420

Lisa: It's a 10.

00:05:16.420 → 00:05:20.700

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Me some more of what you you mean by

00:05:21.240 → 00:05:26.109

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: sitting with all the different parts of yourself, embracing all the different parts of yourself.

00:05:27.310 → 00:05:29.660

Lisa: Oh, it's been such an incredible journey

00:05:29.800 → 00:05:34.129

Lisa: on my own with this, and I do practice it

00:05:34.280 → 00:05:41.289

Lisa: myself. So I'm very aware when some aspect of me is just absolutely not happy

00:05:41.440 → 00:05:44.660

Lisa: with whatever's going on in the present moment.

00:05:45.370 → 00:05:48.720

Lisa: and it could be a tantrum. It could be rage. It could be

00:05:51.250 → 00:05:56.169

Lisa: really angry at myself for doing or saying something that I thought I shouldn't do.

00:05:57.210 → 00:05:59.819

Lisa: and a lot of us

00:06:00.180 → 00:06:10.300

Lisa: run from that. We'll vice it out, cope it out. We'll do all kinds of things to distract ourselves from it, or we will ignore that part of ourselves and go do something else.

00:06:10.730 → 00:06:11.460

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

00:06:11.460 → 00:06:16.730

Lisa: So what I suggest is, and I and I have a spot in my bedroom that I go

00:06:16.900 → 00:06:25.530

Lisa: to be with myself, and I just sit there and allow myself to feel, however uncomfortable I am feeling

00:06:26.200 → 00:06:28.820

Lisa: whether that's rage or disappointment.

00:06:29.190 → 00:06:34.910

Lisa: and I allow myself to fully fill it. I just don't get up off the seat

00:06:35.060 → 00:06:42.920

Lisa: until which time that part of me has got to fully feel what it needs to feel and express it.

00:06:43.820 → 00:06:45.759

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And then I love that part.

00:06:46.470 → 00:06:53.360

Lisa: I really do. I go up to it, and I hug it and allow it to feel accepted

00:06:53.580 → 00:06:55.639

Lisa: for what it was experiencing.

00:06:56.150 → 00:07:02.880

Lisa: and this can be difficult, difficult for a lot of women, because they're not used to being with any part of themselves.

00:07:03.000 → 00:07:04.659

Lisa: They're used to giving out.

00:07:04.840 → 00:07:07.230

Lisa: And so that's the discomfort part right?

00:07:07.450 → 00:07:19.260

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And there's big judgment if it's tantrum or anger. Women really still aren't supposed to feel that we're supposed to be tearful and emotional and vulnerable.

00:07:20.070 → 00:07:27.739

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: but certainly not assertive or angry, whatever that is considered somehow bad behaviour for women.

00:07:27.740 → 00:07:31.739

Lisa: So you can allow yourself to feel all of that.

00:07:31.990 → 00:07:32.550

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

00:07:32.790 → 00:07:38.339

Lisa: Verbally or nonverbally. Sometimes I verbalize the anger and rage that I'm feeling.

00:07:38.710 → 00:07:41.150

Lisa: and that part of me is allowed to do that.

00:07:41.580 → 00:07:42.240

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

00:07:42.240 → 00:07:49.879

Lisa: That's where the love is right, where you love yourself enough to allow that part of you to experience what it needs to experience.

00:07:50.740 → 00:07:55.920

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Now this is key. Again. I think a key word for me is allowing.

00:07:57.100 → 00:08:05.230

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Because the sort of conditioning I had as a child was you're not allowed. You're not allowed to speak up. You're not allowed to ask what you want.

00:08:05.790 → 00:08:09.049

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You're not allowed to have needs that are inconvenient.

00:08:09.250 → 00:08:13.470

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I mean, this is speaking about me, but I don't think it's uncommon, you know.

00:08:13.840 → 00:08:15.209

Lisa: It isn't uncommon.

00:08:15.210 → 00:08:15.620

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

00:08:15.620 → 00:08:16.949

Lisa: And it's very sad.

00:08:16.950 → 00:08:17.760

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm!

00:08:17.940 → 00:08:22.849

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And allowing all of those feelings, and being with them.

00:08:22.990 → 00:08:28.730

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you know, in a kind, compassionate presence, is so beautiful and so freeing.

00:08:30.120 → 00:08:34.799

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And the other part that comes up for me is the wisdom you know.

00:08:35.590 → 00:08:39.910

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: How do you know what is old stuff, and how do you know what's discernment?

00:08:40.340 → 00:08:45.230

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Once you've let all those feelings out, you've got a much clearer perspective. Is that.

00:08:45.470 → 00:08:45.710

Lisa: Like.

00:08:45.710 → 00:08:46.620

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You?

00:08:46.760 → 00:08:49.310

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Or is that the young you saying

00:08:49.550 → 00:08:55.959

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: this reminds me of something bad that happened when I was young. This is a red flag for you. I'm here to let you know.

00:08:57.280 → 00:09:00.309

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And then adult, you can decide what to do about it.

00:09:00.580 → 00:09:03.699

Lisa: Exactly. You can't do that when you're busy running from it.

00:09:06.520 → 00:09:12.329

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Tell me more about what happens if we run from it. If we sell ourselves out or abandon ourselves.

00:09:12.330 → 00:09:16.349

Lisa: Yeah, we are bending ourselves. We don't realize it.

00:09:17.470 → 00:09:23.610

Lisa: And it's because we weren't taught that we have different aspects within ourselves.

00:09:25.460 → 00:09:32.479

Lisa: And so when we're experiencing something like shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment.

00:09:32.980 → 00:09:38.940

Lisa: Our 1st instinct is to just go find something to do to make that discomfort go away.

00:09:39.180 → 00:09:46.870

Lisa: and in that way. You are abandoning that part of you that's experiencing something very uncomfortable. And it really needs to be heard.

00:09:47.130 → 00:09:47.840

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Hmm.

00:09:47.840 → 00:09:50.009

Lisa: So you are abandoning yourself.

00:09:51.390 → 00:09:52.020

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

00:09:55.560 → 00:10:01.959

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: yes, and if you don't really hear those things, and you don't really take notice of yourself.

00:10:02.390 → 00:10:11.169

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you know, from my experience with coaching and calling in the one conscious uncoupling. That means you train other people to treat you accordingly.

00:10:11.530 → 00:10:20.300

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: unconsciously, unintentionally. But that's the upshot. If you say my feelings and needs don't matter. Everybody else will think, Oh, your feelings and needs don't matter.

00:10:21.970 → 00:10:22.610

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

00:10:23.300 → 00:10:29.359

Lisa: And part of your work and your work, and my work is to sit with that part of us

00:10:29.690 → 00:10:33.620

Lisa: that feels our feelings and needs and wants don't matter.

00:10:33.620 → 00:10:34.380

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Thank you.

00:10:34.670 → 00:10:41.109

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, yeah, I think you know as well this is not quite as easy as it sounds.

00:10:41.730 → 00:10:47.690

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: because I think we need somebody initially to model that with us, to make it feel safe enough.

00:10:47.870 → 00:10:50.580

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And that's where therapy and coaching comes in.

00:10:51.510 → 00:10:59.889

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You can't change that resistance to feeling just by saying, right, I'm going to feel now.

00:11:02.170 → 00:11:09.389

Lisa: Very true. It is very true. Yeah, it really does in my experience, help when you have someone witness you.

00:11:09.830 → 00:11:15.810

Lisa: And to show you what being present with yourself is like.

00:11:15.930 → 00:11:19.000

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, it gives you a model that then

00:11:19.220 → 00:11:25.900

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: you can grow that kind of presence in yourself. You can find that presence in yourself.

00:11:26.310 → 00:11:30.909

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I had a therapist years ago, whose voice I still hear.

00:11:31.530 → 00:11:32.430

Lisa: Billy.

00:11:32.620 → 00:11:36.690

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: What about you? Then heather? What about you? Heather? It's great.

00:11:37.260 → 00:11:37.930

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

00:11:37.930 → 00:11:39.920

Lisa: And so you ask, what about you?

00:11:39.920 → 00:11:40.680

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

00:11:40.840 → 00:11:43.540

Lisa: What do I need? What do I want? How am I feeling.

00:11:43.680 → 00:11:44.370

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

00:11:44.550 → 00:11:54.140

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And there was a connection between us, because we both wore pearls. So when I hold my pearls, or I think, okay, she's here.

00:11:54.990 → 00:11:59.470

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It makes that connection, and it it deepens that presence in myself.

00:12:00.690 → 00:12:06.710

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: She did say to me, I'm going to be with you till you're a very old lady, and beyond.

00:12:08.040 → 00:12:09.080

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And it's true.

00:12:09.260 → 00:12:11.590

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And once you've got that inside you.

00:12:11.740 → 00:12:19.050

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: that's a real start. That's the green shoot that you can grow your tree of self presence around.

00:12:20.400 → 00:12:23.560

Lisa: Yes, and that self-love.

00:12:23.810 → 00:12:24.490

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

00:12:25.190 → 00:12:27.610

Lisa: And it is beautiful, and

00:12:27.730 → 00:12:35.520

Lisa: if I do anything with my work I want women to understand. The greatest love you can have is with yourself.

00:12:35.850 → 00:12:38.219

Lisa: and with that it gives you

00:12:39.350 → 00:12:42.489

Lisa: a full cup to offer it to someone else.

00:12:42.940 → 00:12:47.380

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, yeah, it's very beautiful.

00:12:47.670 → 00:12:48.940

Lisa: It is indeed.

00:12:50.220 → 00:12:52.690

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So why does this feel so wrong.

00:12:53.640 → 00:12:54.620

Lisa: Hmm!

00:12:54.800 → 00:12:58.219

Lisa: Well, we touched on that earlier. We were conditioned.

00:12:59.070 → 00:13:02.549

Lisa: Women all over the world in all cultures were conditioned

00:13:03.700 → 00:13:06.079

Lisa: that you don't think of yourself.

00:13:07.270 → 00:13:09.729

Lisa: Your purpose on this earth is to

00:13:09.950 → 00:13:19.349

Lisa: find a partner, have children raise them, and to give, give, give. And so the idea of doing something

00:13:20.680 → 00:13:28.059

Lisa: like self-love and self-acceptance feels really wrong because we were taught that it was wrong.

00:13:28.410 → 00:13:34.230

Lisa: And I don't know that any culture that I've experienced or read about has actually said, it's wrong.

00:13:34.480 → 00:13:39.660

Lisa: But here's the thing. It's covert in its meaning.

00:13:40.940 → 00:13:43.530

Lisa: Where we get the idea that it's wrong.

00:13:44.110 → 00:13:48.050

Lisa: And we also think it's wrong because it's uncomfortable.

00:13:49.350 → 00:13:52.780

Lisa: It's new. It's something we've not experienced before.

00:13:53.010 → 00:13:57.869

Lisa: and many of us was taught to run from discomfort to avoid it.

00:13:59.160 → 00:14:03.109

Lisa: And so it does feel wrong because it's so foreign.

00:14:04.055 → 00:14:04.740

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

00:14:05.010 → 00:14:07.840

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And I think there's the illusion

00:14:08.120 → 00:14:12.619

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: that if we look after ourselves we won't be able to look after others.

00:14:12.920 → 00:14:13.540

Lisa: And then.

00:14:13.540 → 00:14:17.300

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: And actually, the strength that comes from self care

00:14:17.490 → 00:14:25.309

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: creates a wave of self-care in others around us. So we're all able to care for ourselves and each other better.

00:14:26.220 → 00:14:28.220

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: I think it's a very rich vein.

00:14:29.160 → 00:14:30.330

Lisa: It is.

00:14:30.520 → 00:14:44.199

Lisa: and when you have a lot of we'll just say women around you that know how to care for themselves and can give to others. You have a fulfilling, thriving community of women

00:14:45.900 → 00:14:55.429

Lisa: instead of competition instead of hurt feelings, instead of lashing out, and some of the other behaviors that happen.

00:14:55.610 → 00:15:01.470

Lisa: So when you love yourself, you accept yourself, and you give from a place of being full.

00:15:02.360 → 00:15:04.529

Lisa: You have a different experience.

00:15:04.530 → 00:15:07.329

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah, yeah, it's great.

00:15:07.700 → 00:15:11.949

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: This changes the narrative completely. And what society says.

00:15:13.000 → 00:15:14.890

Lisa: Yeah. It rocks the boat.

00:15:16.230 → 00:15:20.289

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So tell me about your own ongoing journey.

00:15:20.470 → 00:15:23.900

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: How is all this showing up for you? If you feel like sharing it.

00:15:24.420 → 00:15:25.730

Lisa: Oh, it's

00:15:26.810 → 00:15:38.280

Lisa: I sometimes cry, it's beautiful! It's absolutely, incredibly beautiful. And I had never in my life dreamt that my personal growth would lead me

00:15:39.060 → 00:15:43.679

Lisa: to a love that's just indescribable, and I look forward to

00:15:43.910 → 00:15:50.529

Lisa: the uncomfortable moments now when I get to go, sit with myself and learn more about myself

00:15:50.720 → 00:15:55.379

Lisa: and embrace myself more and more. It's just. There are no words really

00:15:55.790 → 00:16:08.849

Lisa: self-love. It's just incredible. So I'm always challenged from one wit to the next, with something that happens in life to give me an opportunity to go deeper.

00:16:09.670 → 00:16:12.210

Lisa: It's an ongoing thing, and and

00:16:13.030 → 00:16:19.280

Lisa: people might think, Well, you've been doing it for 32 years I have, and yet there's still more.

00:16:20.770 → 00:16:21.330

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Yeah.

00:16:21.590 → 00:16:26.210

Lisa: My journey is not over. It's still yeah ongoing.

00:16:26.210 → 00:16:35.920

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: No, I agree, and as each age of our growth comes, there's an evolution. So there's to come.

00:16:37.190 → 00:16:40.209

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: You just never know what's next on your journey. Do you.

00:16:40.350 → 00:16:44.800

Lisa: You don't right, but the more you love yourself, the more you are prepared for it.

00:16:45.010 → 00:16:46.940

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: It's beautiful.

00:16:48.990 → 00:16:52.559

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: So if people want to work with you, where can they find you?

00:16:53.560 → 00:16:57.380

Lisa: I have a website consciously await counseling.com.

00:16:57.520 → 00:17:01.410

Lisa: You can find me on Facebook, Lisa Hawkins dating relationship.

00:17:02.570 → 00:17:04.440

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Lovely. Thank you.

00:17:04.440 → 00:17:05.140

Lisa: Yeah.

00:17:05.140 → 00:17:07.909

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: All this in the show notes as well, just to make sure.

00:17:08.790 → 00:17:10.929

Lisa: Thank you. It's been lovely being here.

00:17:11.700 → 00:17:13.230

Heather Garbutt Love and Relationship Coach: Thank you so much, Lisa.

Sorry, your browser isn't supported.

Page load failed