Hi Tori.

Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you for having me.

I am so excited to talk to you.

Like I said, I've been a

huge fan of you for years.

I think I found you in 2020 and

your advice for women on finances

like seriously changed my life.

I'm not gonna get emotional

geek a, but you just do so much

for women you for being here.

and can you just introduce yourself?

Thank you for all those kind words.

It's very sweet.

that's the mission of our work, is to

fight for women's financial rights.

So I started her first a hundred

K as a side hustle in 2016.

I was working a nine to five

in marketing, and then Donald

Trump got elected and was 22.

I had just graduated college and I

thought I was coming into adulthood

and into in a very different country

than, what ended up happening and

I wanted to do something about it.

And that, election really radicalized me.

I started having conversations with my

woman friends, my girlfriends, they were

coming to me and asking me questions about

money, about how to pay off debt and how

to save and how to invest in a Roth IRA.

And I was lucky enough to have a really

great financial education for my parents,

I thought, well, maybe this is it.

And as I grew in my own career

and started realizing that.

There were certain situations

that I could not get out of

because I didn't have the money.

I couldn't leave that toxic job.

I couldn't, move out of a certain

situation because I didn't have the money.

It was like, oh, this is the answer

to a lot of what we struggle with.

As a member of any minority group,

when you have money, you have options.

You have the ability to

leave a toxic situation.

You have the ability to donate to causes

you believe in or to travel or to go

to therapy, and you just show up as

the best, baddest version of yourself

when you are financially stable.

I started experiencing that in my own

life and I was like, this is the feeling I

want for every single woman on the planet.

So I started her first a hundred k. it

is now a multi seven figure business.

We have helped over 5 million women save

money, pay off debt, start investing.

our podcast Financial Feminist

is the number one money

podcast for women in the world.

And I wrote a New York Times bestseller,

also called Financial Feminist.

And this is my favorite thing to do

is fight for women's financial rights.

I love it.

And I thought you were the perfect person

to have on this show because as we talk

about weddings and events, and Yeah.

Going to that next chapter, you know,

if that's the next step, money is

talked about so much when it comes

into relationships, whether it's

moving in together, getting married,

getting engaged, it can be a problem,

If it's done the right way,

it can help a relationship.

Right?

Yeah.

And so I feel like you are the perfect

person to have on, because in a lot

of these stories that people send to

me, they're like, well, we don't know

how to have a budget for the wedding.

We don't know how to say no to

people offering to pay and then

dangling a string above us because

they want control of the wedding.

so I feel like money plays a

huge part in this kind of next

chapter that people kind of have.

I.

Yeah, absolutely.

And it's interesting that you said

that people are interested in having

financial conversations because I

love that it's usually not the case.

We actually know that, unfortunately,

the vast majority of people get

married without having serious

conversations about money.

And it ends up being the number one

reason or the number one cause of

separation in relationships is financial

problems, is lack of transparency.

so.

These conversations about money, hopefully

start when you're dating and then continue

to, when you get more serious and then

when you move in together, and then when

you start talking about being married.

And then of course, the costs

of the wedding it's typically a

pretty substantial cost for people.

And so I hope that everybody listening

views money, and financial wellness as.

Wellness with the rest of their lives.

Right?

We talk about mental wellness a

lot in our society now, mental

health, we talk about, of course,

our physical health, our emotional

health, but our financial health, I

would argue, is absolutely paramount

to all of the rest of those, right?

We can't go to the gym.

unless we have money to pay for

the gym membership, we can't

go to therapy unless we money.

And especially in a healthy relationship.

And especially before you, enter

into this new season of your life.

Shit's about to get really

expensive, so you need to be having

conversations with your partner and

decide, what do I want my wedding?

What do I want my marriage to look like?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

No, you make a really good

point about so many couples do

not talk about money until Yep.

They get to the wedding part or they're

already married and they're like, oh shit.

Like my partner.

Has debt or this is going on and

we've never talked about it, or how

do we get through this together?

and that's one thing I can straight up

say, like, you helped me and my partner

who I'm now married to, but at the time

it's like we were living together, but

it was like, how do we figure out bills?

you know, we're kind of going through

all these weird seizures together.

so I think it's so important that we

talk about it now in these stages.

You know, anyone listening that's like

currently engaged or with a partner

moving in, it's so important to.

Have those difficult conversations.

And that's one thing you help me with

too, is 'cause it's like, it's awkward

to talk about, especially when you grow

up being like, don't talk about money.

It's taboo.

Yeah.

And you need to have

those taboo conversations.

Yeah, I mean, it's very similar to

sex, And we're actually more likely

to talk about any other uncomfortable

topic before we'll talk about money.

So we'll talk about sex,

death, politics, religion.

We will have mm-hmm.

Any uncomfortable topic to spare us

from having a conversation about money.

But, I hope you're talking about

your sex life with your partner.

Mm-hmm.

I hope you.

Talk about what you like and what

you want and what your desires

are and how you enjoy pleasure.

Right.

That's a huge part of a

romantic relationship.

Mm-hmm.

Is, your sexual health and your

sexual, life with this other person.

Money's no different.

It's a little awkward to talk about.

It's a little scary.

there's a lot of emotional,

baggage and typically trauma that

you bring into that conversation.

but we need to talk about it and

especially with our life partner.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, so getting into it, I reached

out to my audience to kind of ask

about some general questions when

it comes to weddings and budgeting.

starting off, this is a big one, and

I've seen some horror stories where

people send them to me after about.

Putting things on a

credit card for a wedding.

Oh yeah.

And financing.

And I even, which I felt terrible for this

girl, she reached out to me, this is a

while back about she was a maid of honor.

Didn't understand the responsibilities.

There was not really a communication.

Yeah.

And she ended up paying for every

like bachelorette party, all on her

credit card because she felt like

she needed to be a good friend.

Yeah.

So is financing a wedding with a

credit card a good or bad idea?

And what are your thoughts on that?

Yeah, let's talk about

those two situations.

So one, if you are the person getting

married, how should I pay for it?

But then I have a lot of hot takes too

about the, bachelor, bachelorette parties.

Yes.

Because that is getting

more and more expensive.

Okay, so the first one, I do not want

you going through what is hopefully

one of the most beautiful, enjoyable

days or experiences of your life,

thinking, how am I gonna afford this?

This is the same thing when people

put vacations on credit cards.

Like nothing tastes worse than a pina

colada on the beach when you're trying

to relax with a side of guilt and with

a side of like, I'm gonna get home

and the consequences will be there.

Right?

Yeah.

I don't want anything souring this day.

A lot of people go into debt,

especially costly debt like credit

cards because they're like, this

is a once in a lifetime experience.

Mm-hmm.

So, yolo, it doesn't matter.

And if you don't aren't familiar with

my work, I am not the financial expert

that shames you for spending money.

I am the financial expert that

shames you for being in debt.

So I wanna level set that.

However, again, I don't want

this beautiful thing being.

Potentially tarnished when you

realize that you're gonna be paying

it off for the next six months.

Mm-hmm.

Two years, five years, 10 years.

And especially with credit card

debt, that is the most costly kind

of debt you are in debt, at least

15% on average, 22% interest.

For context, the average student

loan right now is about five to 6%.

So you're taking out

five-ish times the amount.

Of a student loan to, be able

to take on what you're deciding

to put on this credit card.

And in addition, what a lot of

people don't understand about credit

cards is that the interest compounds.

So that means that the

interest earns interest.

Not all loans work this way.

Mortgage mortgages typically don't

work this way, but credit cards do

so the interest, every day you're,

in debt, it's earning you interest.

And also that interest

doesn't compound once a month.

It compounds every day.

So this is why credit card debt

in particular, can be so damaging.

It affects our credit score

for, potentially years.

It affects, just your ability to

take on, you know, and get a loan for

something like a house, in the future.

And it also is just

really, really expensive.

So please don't finance your wedding

and like that shouldn't be a hot take.

I think anybody.

Who is in the financial space is

gonna give you the same advice.

Now, there are ways that you can think

about, the wedding of your dreams

that don't involve credit cards,

and we can talk more about that.

I. The second thing, let's talk about

the bachelor bachelorette commitments.

I have been in one, bachelorette party

and luckily it was not the kind of

situation where it was like a week long

bachelorette, in Cabo with the yachts

and the bottle service, you I think

transparency is gonna be the recurring

theme of this episode, which is you need

to be transparent with your partner if

you're getting married, and you need to

be transparent with your bridal party.

So what that looks like, I was

actually just talking to somebody

the other day that they got a form

with like, Hey, what's your budget?

I'm getting married.

know, they sent it to their, bridesmaids,

what is your budget for these items?

What your budget for dress?

What is your budget for

the bachelorette party?

And then based on that, created

the whole, bachelorette experience.

So I think it's really important

for the person getting married

to lead that conversation now.

If you are not the person getting

married and you are dealing with the,

oh my gosh, these costs keep adding up

and I don't want to be a bad friend.

It's something I hear a lot as well.

okay.

I'm gonna get a little spicy.

I love it

if, if someone in your life is demanding

you go into debt to prove that you're a

good friend, they're not a good friend.

Yep.

Like they're just not.

And, if the bride is not.

Sending out forms, having open

conversations with you about

how much things will cost.

What you need to do is unfortunately

take on the burden of that conversation,

which is going to them and doing what I

love is a gratitude sandwich of feedback.

Okay, so you're gonna go, oh, thank

you for asking me to be a bridesmaid.

I am so honored that, you would think of

me, our friendship means so much to me.

nice piece of bread, gratitude

meat is the part where you have to

talk about what's going on in your

brain and your body and your life.

So.

Then you're going, I either, finances are

really tight right now and I really can't

afford to be in the bridal party, but I

would love to support you second piece of

bread in any other aspect of the wedding.

And I'm so excited I will be there with

bells on to support you and your partner

if you know you wanna be a bridesmaid.

And maybe the conversations are

happening where it's like, oh my

gosh, yeah, we are gonna go to Europe.

And you're like, I can't afford Europe.

Yeah.

Then you go.

Again, so excited, so happy.

I am not in the financial position

to be able to afford this.

and then give them options.

You can say, Hey, can

we go somewhere else?

Instead, if you're committed to going

to Europe, I'm gonna sit this one out.

Or, I am going to come to half of the trip

because I can't afford the whole thing.

I'm gonna come to half and then

I, I'm gonna have to jet, right?

and so these conversations

just need to be happening.

I know it feels awkward, but I can tell

you from the thousands of emails I have

gotten, and I imagine you feel the same

way, that the awkwardness is so much

worse when the resentment kicks in.

Mm-hmm.

When you're going, oh my God.

Okay.

This has costing me $3,500 and I don't

have $3,500, and it's very hard to

be authentically celebratory for this

person when you're harboring resentment.

I don't know how you feel about this

a hundred percent.

I get stories all the time where

people then, after the fact, they feel

like, oh, I spent all this money and

yep,

we kinda dwindled away after the wedding.

Or they just have all these

feelings kind of built up.

it goes back to feeling like they

have to say yes to everything.

And I get it.

And I, felt really glad that, like, when

it came time for my wedding, I had two

bridesmaids that were like, Hey, I'm

not gonna do the bachelorette party.

And I was like, that's great.

I want absolutely no

pressure for you guys.

I even told my maid of honor like.

It's okay.

Like these are optional.

' I mean, I had been in plenty of weddings

over the years and I saw how things can

add up and it takes away, especially if

you have kids or a partner at home, you

don't wanna take off work sometimes.

Yeah.

I get it.

I get it.

And I think especially with a maid of

honor, you need to be having conversations

about what the expectations are.

Because some weddings, it's just yeah,

it's basically like, Fancy title,

but I don't expect anything of you.

And for some, it's like you are

a project manager full time, so

you need to have a conversation.

And also what inevitably happens is

that a lot of people get into the

excitement of the wedding, right?

We've all seen father of the bride.

It's like you get in the excitement

of the wedding and the wedding keeps.

Getting crazier.

So if you are the maid of honor

and you committed to something

that has now changed, it's time to

have another conversation of just,

again, I'm so excited for you all.

This seems so incredible.

I want you to have the

wedding that you want.

Mm-hmm.

However.

I'm at capacity here.

I can't do all of the things you're asking

me to do, and I'd rather come to you and

talk to you about it than feel secretly

harboring again, resentment mm-hmm.

Or feelings.

' cause I want this to be

a positive experience.

So those are the kind of conversations

you have to have that again, might

feel uncomfortable, but ultimately.

I want everybody to be able to enjoy this

experience, to be able to enjoy this day.

And the resentment, the, guilt,

the shame is not going to lead

to an enjoyable experience.

Right.

Yeah.

And absolutely like, you said.

You're so, nervous about telling

a bride that, that they're gonna

like end your friendship over it,

then they're not a good friend.

That

tells you a lot.

That tells you a lot.

Mm-hmm.

and what you can do is if you're in

the bridal party, and I would recommend

this for brides as well, is you do

need to sit down and be like, okay.

head to toe, what is every

single cost going to be now?

Bachelorette party, right?

The obvious costs are a flight if you're

getting on a flight, lodging, restaurants,

experiences, but it's also like.

Uber's to and from the airport.

Mm-hmm.

It's also the, matching

bachelorette t-shirts.

Right.

It's the, drinks at the bar.

And then a lot of people, are

taking, the bridal party is

paying for the bride's experience.

Is that part of the expectation?

If so, how is that being split?

Is it just the maid of honor?

Is it.

Split, you know, if there's five

bridesmaids, is it split five ways?

Like those are the conversations you

wanna have because again, you don't

wanna be in the moment when you've

had a couple margaritas and you're

feeling good, and then you start

making a plan like you are inebriated.

It's not an authentic plan.

Mm-hmm.

And again, nothing tastes worse than

a pina colada with a side of guilt

that applies to everything here.

Nothing tastes worse than a beautiful

wedding with a side of credit card debt.

Nothing tastes worse than.

having a great experience in the moment

and then waking up and going, shit, I

had to put all of that on my credit card

last night because I can't afford it.

So again, you have to have conversations,

but you also need to make a

financial plan when everything's.

Fine when nothing is crazy, when

you haven't planned anything yet.

So you have the foundation that

you need to stick to when there's

temptation to veer away from the plan.

Yes.

Oh my gosh, that's such good advice.

So, I mean, I feel like that kind of

covers when we're talking about, you

know, managing your expectations.

So going into more of like the

wedding, I know we're talking about,

so don't, put it on a credit card.

Yeah.

What would you say to someone that's

like, how do I. Budget for this wedding.

How do I kind of plan for this?

and I always tell people too, I'm

like, let go of expectations of others.

'cause I think a lot of times people want

this big, huge wedding with 500 people.

For other people, they don't think about

what do my partner and I actually want?

What's true to us?

Yeah, I think you make a great point

where that's what you need to start

with is sitting down and having

a conversation with your partner.

What wedding do we wanna have?

And it's not what wedding does

Aunt Marge want us to have?

What wedding does my mom want us to have?

It's what wedding do we

want to have, because.

Ultimately, again, it is your day, and I

know there's a lot of familial pressure.

I know that there's a lot of people,

a lot of cooks in that kitchen.

Yep.

But ultimately, this

wedding is about a marriage.

The wedding is one day or for the

crazy people, you know, a two weeks.

Right.

But the wedding is the

beginning of a marriage.

Mm-hmm.

You are in partnership

with this other person.

You are not in partnership with your mom

or your mother-in-law, like you're not

in a marriage with your mother-in-law.

You're not in a marriage even with,

your maid of honor, best friend

you are in a partnership in a

marriage with your life partner.

You need to make decisions and

start acting like you're in a

marriage when you get married.

Mm-hmm.

The wedding is just a day.

The marriage is a lifetime,

so you need to decide what you

actually want with your partner.

Now, again, easier said than done

when there's a lot of voices.

Yeah.

However, I think getting on the same

page without any of that pressure

first, and maybe it's journaling

separately, like what do I actually want?

And again, not what have I seen in

movies that tells me what I should want?

What have I seen other people do that

gives me a little bit of envy or jealousy?

Like, what do you actually want?

Mm-hmm.

Then you need to ask

yourself, can I afford?

What I actually want.

Mm-hmm.

Now, sometimes the answer

will be, yeah, we can do that.

And sometimes the answer will be no.

We'd have to go into a

lot of debt to do this.

Mm-hmm.

So we have to find a happy

medium there because.

A lot of times I want a Ferrari.

I want, a seven month

stay at the four Seasons.

but that is not in my budget, right?

So there's a lot of things that we

can want, but that we can't afford.

And again, I I cannot

emphasize this enough.

It is very easy to get in the

yellow state of mind of like,

hopefully we only get married

once, so like we're gonna go crazy.

I do not want this day to be

haunting you four years because

you could not afford it, right?

So what do I want?

Journal about that.

Think about that.

Come to your partner.

What do we want together?

And then what can we actually afford?

So the best thing to keep in

mind is that obviously weddings

are gonna be very expensive.

But you need to determine in

the wedding what is really

important to you about this.

Mm-hmm.

is it, I want this particular dress

and I'm willing to compromise on

other things in order to have that.

Great.

I was actually just thinking

about this the other day.

my partner and I, have been

together for three years.

I don't think we're getting married

anytime soon, but I don't know why.

I just thought about this.

I'm like, what would be

important at my wedding?

And food is huge for me.

Mm-hmm.

And now I've turned my

partner into a foodie as well.

So I was literally thinking, I was like.

When we get married, I think

it will probably, like the

food is gonna be the priority.

'cause I want every guest at the

wedding to eat really well and I

wanna have like a memorable meal.

So, okay.

I would be willing to

compromise on other things.

Maybe that's, less crazy flowers, or I do

my flowers myself, and I want good food,

so I'm willing to compromise for that.

Mm-hmm.

My friend Paula Pant, who's

another financial expert, says,

you can afford almost anything.

You just can't afford everything.

Love that.

And this is all of life, right?

Is it's like, okay, I really

wanna go see Taylor Swift.

And a tour.

A tour tickets are really expensive,

so I am willing to not drink as much

coffee or I'm willing to not, buy every

piece of clothing I want to buy because

I would rather do this other thing.

So that's what you need to ask yourself.

It's not deprivation,

it's actually strategic.

It's, I really want this thing.

So I'm gonna compromise on this

other thing so I can have this thing.

So that becomes then the next conversation

of what can we afford and then where

do we want to really spend our money?

Mm-hmm.

And then you can kind of

determine what the budget should

be and also what, you know.

Yeah.

I don't wanna compromise on that,

but I'm willing to compromise

on this so I can have that.

Yeah, I love that.

that really ties into one of

the biggest lessons I always see

you talk about, and that's like.

Not shaming people for the coffee,

you know, buying your $4 coffee,

whatever it is, if it's something that

you enjoy and it's gonna bring you

happiness on that day, then do it.

And if that's something that's in

your budget, but if you're just doing

like a really fancy ballroom because

your parents got married there and

they are really pushing you, maybe

let's say goodbye to that and do

like a smaller venue, you know?

Right.

So that's a such a great point.

'cause I think we get caught

up in what everyone else wants.

Yeah.

Or it's okay, we need to invite your

uncle and aunt that you haven't spoken to

in 10 years just because they're family.

And it's like, no, no.

It's your wedding.

You get to do whatever

the hell you wanna do.

And I think that, once you start

setting those boundaries too with

family, boundaries always feel

like aggression for people who

have never experienced a boundary.

Mm-hmm.

So it can just be like,

no, this is our wedding.

We're gonna do this.

No, but no, this is our wedding.

We're gonna do this and would love

to see you, but if, this makes

you uncomfortable, we'll see you,

just see you at the reception or

we'll see you for dinner after.

Like, if they wanna uninvite

themselves from their behavior, great.

that's in their control.

I think I'm better at boundaries set than

the average person, but like that is the

level of boundaries you need to have.

On a wedding day because

families are insane.

Yes.

And like you need to a hundred percent

know what you and your partner want.

Make sure you two are on the same

team, you're on the same page,

and you are staying committed

to what you actually want.

Yes.

I always say like, if I would've

gotten married to my now husband

when we first started dating.

would've been so different because

I think I would've been so much more

easily, like persuaded and, 'cause we

were together like almost six years before

we got engaged or before we got married.

And so I was early twenties, you

know, I feel like so much more

easily like, yeah, I should do that.

Okay.

But also our budget

would've been way smaller.

So it's like, what would, I've

gone into debt, who knows?

so I feel like now like.

By the time we did get married, it

was like we saw our friends do it.

We saw what things we liked and we didn't

like, and then we were so much better

at being like, this is what we want.

We're not gonna have a huge wedding, we're

gonna have, you know, a standard amount.

If I haven't talked to you in over

a year, you're not getting invited.

That's just how it was.

Yeah.

And at the end of the day, like if

we're just looking, at the legality of

it, you and this person are signing a.

Financial and legal contract.

Mm-hmm.

The wedding is something that, from

a cultural and societal point we have

now put on this, and again, especially

if you're like a person of color,

there's certain traditions, right?

There's certain cultural, experiences.

But at the end of the day, like.

and this person are

signing a legal contract.

Everything on top can be whatever

the hell you want it to be.

Mm-hmm.

We've just, in society, had a very

specific version of what a wedding is.

Even, white dress.

So many people now are wearing red

dresses, they're wearing, pants suits.

They're not wearing dresses at all.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

So there's so many ways that you can make

this an authentic celebration of your

love and excitement with this person.

And it can be whatever you want it to be.

It can just be, we're getting married

at a courthouse and we're going and

renting out the back room at a restaurant

for the 20 people we want there.

That's a wedding.

It doesn't have to be a big

hoopla if you don't want it to be.

Yeah, I love that.

Okay.

I thought we would jump

into a little wedding.

Money, rapid fire.

Love it.

Just to kind of get things going.

And then I've got a story that someone

sent me and we'll kind of, react to that.

So here we go.

Okay.

All right.

I think I know what you're

gonna say about this first one.

Okay.

Set.

Set the guest list or set the budget.

Yeah, I think we have to go budget

first, but I think it can be a. You

can do 'em at the same time of like,

okay, I'm gonna have a general budget

and then I'm gonna have the guest

list and there's gonna probably be

some people that don't make the cut.

And it's your wedding.

Yep.

Yep.

Got it.

We always gotta keep saying that.

cash fund or traditional gift registry.

oh, you've given me the perfect

opportunity to talk about something that

I've been meaning to talk about forever.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Okay.

I love it.

Sorry, this is no longer rapid

fire, but gimme a second.

Okay.

It's okay.

I love it.

So.

Okay, so, you know how in, let's call

it the fifties, fifties, sixties, right?

And I'm gonna use the,

heteronormative relationship here.

When a man was marrying a woman,

especially in, let's call it

everything before really the 1970s,

it was typically happening either.

at 18, and the woman was not attending

university, or it was happening basically

the moment they graduated, or even, you

know, the semester before they graduated.

Yep.

People were getting

married extremely young.

So especially women would

literally go from their parents'

house to their husband's house.

That was it.

Right?

So you'd go and you'd live

your 18 years with your family,

and then you'd get married.

Or you'd go to college and

then you'd get married.

So you did not have a life that

was not living with somebody else.

Yeah.

You did not have a life and stuff

that you would've accumulated.

You typically did not live alone.

Right.

This is my nana.

My nana got married I think at

19 and had three kids by like 25.

And I think about that now

and I'm like, oh my God.

same.

So we live in a society now where.

People are getting married a lot later.

Mm-hmm.

Women have a lot more now.

the rights are dwindling every

day, but a lot more rights, right?

Mm-hmm.

Women are getting more,

college degrees than men are.

So in our society, everything's

changed for me, right?

I, left my parents' house at 18.

I went to college until I was, 22.

I got my bachelor's degree

and I have lived on my own.

I still live on my own.

I don't live with my partner.

I'm 30 years old and so I have eight

years where I have bought my own blender

and bought my own couch and bought my

own desk and bought my own silverware.

So I think it's changing, but there

was this idea, especially like 10 years

ago of it's like tacky to ask for cash.

Like I just wanna buy you a toaster.

And I'm like, okay.

So.

Now though, in a typical

relationship, when I get married

to my partner, my partner has a

toaster and I have a toaster, right?

And maybe we've moved in together and

consolidated to one toaster, right?

But we've already had a life where

we have purchased a lot of the things

that would typically go on a registry.

Now we weddings are perfect

opportunity to ask for the things

that you maybe couldn't afford.

Like, okay, I'm gonna get the

really nice flatware, I'm gonna

get the really nice pots and pans,

or the really nice knife, but.

This whole narrative around, oh,

it's tacky to just ask for money.

I'm like, it's actually not, because

the way that weddings happens at

a societal level is so different.

They happen later in life.

Women have an increased education.

People are getting married

in a different way.

They've typically already

moved in together.

And so I love a cash fund.

That is my long-winded way of

saying this, and it's, I think it's

so, unfair when people are like.

Why aren't they asking for cash?

That's tacky.

No, the way we view weddings

has fundamentally changed.

Mm-hmm.

I already have a blender.

My partner already has a blender.

You don't need to buy me a

blender as a wedding gift.

That is the third blender

that I don't need.

I've already established

my independent life.

Yes.

Two things that I always see about cash

funds anytime I post about it, either

should say showers or registries.

Right.

People, one can't understand

when a bride in a traditional

relationship would want their groom.

There would want a guy there

like, Why are guides there?

That's one question I always see,

and the other one I always see is

I'm not paying for a honeymoon,

I'm not paying for this, and I go.

What if you give money at a

wedding, you don't have control

over what they use it for.

They can use it for their lunch tomorrow.

They could use it for bedsheets

or they could use it for a

pina colada on the beach.

Why does that matter?

Right.

Well, and let's be honest, if you

buy me a blender and I already

have a blender, I am going.

To the store, returning the blender and

getting the money, getting the cash.

so just gimme the money.

But it's also like we have all of these

sites, I think Zola's one of 'em, right?

That'll say, okay, you can buy the

couple dinner on their honeymoon.

Yeah.

And like, I love that because it feels

like ultimately it's just money, right?

But it feels a little bit more like,

okay, I am buying this person something.

I'm buying them an experience

on their honeymoon.

I am helping them contribute to

their down payment on a house fund.

so that's a nice kind of happy medium of.

I'm gifting them this experience.

Does it go into a big cash fund?

Yeah, it does.

But I am buying them this experience

that they can now do on their

honeymoon or after, getting married.

So I think that, yeah, I just hate

the whole, like, cash is tacky.

I'm like, no it's not.

The entire concept of marriage is so

different than it was 50 years ago.

Mm-hmm.

Everything's different.

So, yeah, I just, I hate

that whole narrative.

Yes.

Oh my gosh.

I love that.

Okay.

All right.

Back to the rapid fire.

Okay.

Splurge.

Yeah.

Sorry.

No, you're good.

No, I love it.

I love the discourse, splurge on

honeymoon or save it for a house.

I think it's up to you.

It's up to the couple.

if buying a home is

really important, great.

Again, it's a trade off, right?

I really want a house, so I'm

okay doing a less crazy honeymoon.

Nope.

I really wanna travel.

I wanna have a once in a

lifetime travel experience.

I don't, I'm not interested in buying a

house or that doesn't make sense for us.

Or I'd rather rent.

Okay.

Great.

Crazy honeymoon.

It is.

Yeah.

Love it.

bigger emergency fund

before the wedding or after.

I mean, if you can do

it before, do it before.

but this is again where we hopefully

are saving a separate wedding

fund from our emergency fund.

Your emergency fund is

truly for emergencies.

It is for when shit hits the fan.

If you're familiar with my work,

you know, it's the number one

thing I counsel people to do.

It's the first financial goal

you should be saving for.

But if that is separate, that is

gonna be separate from the amount of

money you're spending on the wedding.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

I got two more.

Pay off debt first or

save for the wedding.

It depends on the kind of debt.

If you're in credit card debt,

that is really expensive and we

wanna get that paid off, before we

prioritize saving more aggressively.

However, my answer for a lot of

things is like, why not both?

If you can do both at the

same time, especially if the

wedding's getting closer.

I don't want you just so focused on

paying off your debt that you suddenly

have a $50,000 wedding that you

will have to go back into debt for.

Yeah.

So if we can do both, do both.

Okay.

All right, and last one, split.

The wedding costs 50

50 or based on income.

Oh, I love this one.

I think.

Most things, if not all things

in a relationship should

be split on your income.

I have been very vocal about this.

I'm a multimillionaire.

I make a lot more money than my partner.

My partner makes about $65,000 a year.

So we are in very different tax

brackets and everything from, a

big deal from getting married to

just splitting, the cost of a trip.

We have a conversation and it is.

it's never 50 50 because

that's not equitable.

I'm not looking for equal,

I'm looking for equitable.

Yeah.

So I make a lot more than he does.

it is my responsibility to

spend more, than he does.

Right?

does not make sense to

like split our rent 50 50.

So maybe it's 70, 30, 80 20.

You guys get to figure that out.

But, Nobody is walking into a marriage

with the exact same financial situation

as somebody else, the exact same amount of

debt, the exact same salary with benefits,

the exact same, earning potential even I.

So that is something definitely that

you should chat about with your partner.

Yeah, I love that.

I learned that from you as well.

Like that's how my partner and

I've always worked everything.

'cause we're like, it doesn't, I love it.

It's not fair to be completely

50% if we make different money.

So I love that.

Okay, let's jump into this

week's story submission.

So what we do is just, I'll just read a

story, we'll kind of stop and react to it.

and we'll just go with the flow.

Okay.

This says, we were so excited to

have finally chosen our wedding

venue and secured our date

planning could officially begin.

We were assigned a venue coordinator

and scheduled a meeting with

her to go over all the details.

The meeting went great we

left feeling confident.

But the very next day we received an email

saying, our coordinator had accepted a

new job, and we'd be assigned a new one.

Here we go.

Oh gosh.

We were told not to worry.

All the information from our meeting,

the venue layout, choices, ceremony,

and reception were all shared with her.

They would be passed along

to this new coordinator.

A few weeks later, we received

an introduction email from our

newly assigned coordinator.

She encouraged us to reach out with

any questions and scheduled our final

meeting with her before the wedding.

Naturally, we had several questions,

so I emailed her and waited.

Weeks went by without a response.

I sent a follow up message.

Still nothing.

I tried calling, no answer.

Eventually, I contacted the head

coordinator at the venue who informed

me that our coordinator was on

leave just weeks before our wedding.

We would be assigned

another new coordinator.

Gosh.

Okay.

when we finally met the third

coordinator, we discovered that

the information from our original

meeting had been completely mixed up.

Even worse, what we were originally

were told was not correct.

It was a total mess.

Fast forward to our wedding weekend.

Oh my gosh.

I can't believe like nothing was

figured out before the wedding weekend.

Okay.

We were hit with a surprise charge from

the venue that had never been disclosed

and we were not financially prepared.

We ended up maxing out our credit cards

just to finish paying off the wedding.

Oh no.

This is a nightmare situation.

Oh, okay.

if you guys are just listening,

can't see the, video, Tori just,

oh, I'm having a full meltdown.

Oh gosh.

Uh, gosh.

Here we go.

Okay.

So they ended up maxing out credit

cards just to finish paying off the

wedding because we were told the event

couldn't proceed until it was fully paid.

That's like unheard of.

Why would they just all of a sudden.

Say that to them.

They didn't offer any

payment plans either.

That seems very odd.

One of the wildest moments was

when we were told after paying for

a ceiling treatment, wait, what?

That we would also need to pay an

additional fee to have it installed or

they building a new building for them.

I mean a ceiling treatment

being like, you know, tool or

ribbon, hung from the ceiling.

That's what, in my head, ceiling treatment

maybe.

No.

Yeah.

You know what?

You might,

be right.

I

think that's

it.

I'm like

picturing them building out a

whole new, at first I, oh, see.

Yeah.

And at first I was like, are

they taking like the popcorn

off the ceiling or some shit?

Like Yeah.

Like what?

That is insane.

So then there, so is the question,

what

to do.

So it's like they're not only paying

for this item, they're paying for it

to be installed, which you would think

that would be included in that price.

we told them to remove it from the

invoice 'cause we simply couldn't

afford to pay for something we thought

we had already bought because it was

supposed to be included at the reception.

The coordinator who was supposed

to be there never showed up.

Oh my gosh.

I would be literal.

Okay.

This is terrible.

The venue staff were rude

to my family during setup.

I had planned for lawn games during

cocktail hour, but when my mom started

setting them up, one of the staff members

said, why are you setting those up?

Don't do that.

No one will play them.

My poor mom decided it wasn't

worth the fight and just didn't

set them up, which upset me.

The bartenders were rude to the guests

and didn't even have enough of what we

ordered for our specialty cocktails.

The venue only set six chairs

at each table instead of eight.

Was this their first

venue or first wedding?

Like it seems like they

don't know what to do.

as shown on our seating chart.

So guests left without places to sit.

People were literally carrying chairs from

table to table to sit with their group.

Finally, it was time to cut the

cake, the cake cutting, set by

the venue was supposed to provide

and was then nowhere to be found.

Oh, their cake cutting set.

Someone had to run and grab a random

knife so they could cut our cake.

Despite all the chaos, we absolutely

loved our wedding, but wow.

It was definitely a wild ride.

I love when they're so

positive at the end.

I'm like,

no, I was hoping, I was like, please

tell me you at least had a good time.

Jesus.

Oh,

okay.

Like what you do in that situation?

I got it.

I'm gonna fix this person's entire life.

Okay, love it.

Okay, here we go.

First thing, is.

Gather every single piece of documentation

you have about everything that went wrong.

Mm. So everything of like those

emails that you never got a

response to, the document.

Okay.

There was no, cake cutting.

There was not enough chairs.

There was an additional fee, even

though, like, hopefully you have

notes from the original call.

Yeah.

And hopefully you have

a date on those notes.

So we're gonna go, yeah,

I'm going full like.

Detective, FBI here.

Okay?

So you need full

documentation of everything.

So that's the first thing.

So gather all of that documentation.

The second thing you're gonna do

is you are gonna go to the venue.

And you're going to ask

them to make it right.

This is their first opportunity.

Okay.

Is you're going to

gratitude sandwich again.

thank you for doing, you know, find

some nice things that they did about,

thank you for, taking care of us.

I wouldn't say even say even taking

care of us 'cause they didn't, thank

you for hosting our special day.

We appreciate you did this and

this and this and you're then

gonna go a full, block of an email.

this was not right.

This was the expectation set.

We felt extremely unsupported.

There was additional costs,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

This is what we expect.

You're gonna ask for a full refund

on the wedding, a full refund.

Yes.

They're probably gonna tell you no, but

you're gonna ask for a full refund on

the wedding if you get hostility back.

You're gonna go to your

credit card company and you're

going to dispute the charge.

This is rule number three.

So credit cards, one of the best

things about credit cards is when

used responsibly, they're incredible

tools for situations like this.

I spent this money and did not get

what I asked for, or the expectation

I was charged this amount of money.

It's like, okay, I was double

charged by this company.

For no reason.

Right?

Yeah.

You get to dispute the charge.

So you're gonna call your

credit card company, you're

gonna tell them everything.

You're gonna be like, I have

documentation, I have receipts.

I can send them all to you, and

you're gonna dispute the charge.

So the biggest two things is you're gonna

go back and forth with the venue, right.

And you're gonna get, it's not even

Karen, because you're asking for

something that's totally understandable.

Mm-hmm.

But you're gonna be like, If you

don't make this right, I'm not gonna

be able to recommend this venue.

I'm going to be basically

forced to leave a poor review.

This was not a pleasurable experience

and I need you to make it right.

you did not offer me a coordinator.

I did not hear from them four weeks.

there were additional charges

that were not transparent.

if you have the contract right, you

hopefully signed a contract with a

vendor, go through the contract, see what

was in the contract versus what wasn't.

and then again, hopefully they

refund you at least partially.

If you either don't get a refund

or just get a partial refund, go

dispute it with your credit card.

Hope this helps.

Yes.

Oh my gosh, perfect advice.

' cause that is just, I feel like

so many times unreal when it

gets stories sent from brides.

They're just like looking back

on it and be like, this sucks.

And just feel like they

have to deal with it.

I love it.

No, I will give

anybody listening if something

does not go right at your wedding.

That was in somebody's control.

Not the weather, not, something

crazy, but like in their control.

Negotiate it.

negotiate it every single time.

I know somebody who literally got

their wedding basically 50% off.

Like the photographer didn't show

up on time, so they were like,

Hey, I want half off the photos.

like the venue was supposed

to have this, it didn't.

They negotiated 25% off of that, like

there's already an insane upcharge as soon

as you put the word wedding on anything.

And you expected a service that was

not completed, therefore you should

not have to pay the full amount.

that's just it.

so if anybody's out there.

He was like, oh, but I don't

wanna be an inconvenience.

No, you spent your hard-earned money

and this person went into debt.

to try to pay for this.

So you need to dispute it.

You need to have a conversation.

Anytime something goes wrong and

it's, you know, significant enough,

it's not like, I don't know.

Oh, the, tablecloth were

slightly the wrong color.

No, that's too minuscule.

But if something significant

goes wrong that impacts your,

or your guest experience.

Negotiate it.

Yeah,

negotiate it.

I love it.

I love it.

'cause I think most people don't even feel

like they have the opportunity to do that.

I learned that from you too.

Is like where you can like call like

phone bills or like internet bill.

Yep.

Call them, you know, never just

completely like accept something without

calling and looking into it first.

And you made a good point too about when

you have meetings like this, whether it's

a wedding or anything else, like a big.

Large sum of money, write things

down, record things, document it,

have email, because I think a lot

of times things happen on the phone.

I had a crazy, this is what

I recommend for work too, is like, okay,

if I have a conversation with somebody

on the phone, I will send them a follow

up email of like, Hey, it was so great to

talk to you as a reminder to both of us.

Here's everything we discussed.

Yeah.

Because then I have a timestamp,

I have, correspondence that

they have received it, right?

Mm-hmm.

So unless they email back and

they're like, no, that's not correct.

we assume that we're on the same page, so

then you have documentation of all of it.

Yeah.

I love that.

this is a very small side story, but I

learned my lesson with this recently.

We were sending up for,

self-employment insurance or whatever.

And this guy I noticed was only on

the phone and then things didn't go

through, but he, I got like triple

charged and all of a sudden it was

like this crazy like scam thing,

but I had no emails to show it.

I'm like, I swear, this

is what he said to me.

And so now I'm like, okay, I'm never just

going on the phone with an insurance guy.

I need proof.

Yeah, and again, a lot of

these conversations do happen

in person or over the phone.

So take notes while they're happening

in a notebook or on your phone, and then

I know it seems tedious and hopefully

you won't need them, but you're gonna

then email everybody you talk to

and be like, Hey, thank you so much.

You can do this at work.

Again, this is at work, this is in your

wedding and planning, just going, Hey,

here's everything we discussed today.

If any of this is incorrect,

please let me know.

So looking forward to seeing you

again, meeting with you again.

You have to have documentation

of it because it really comes in

handy for situations like this.

Yes, I love that.

Okay, one final thing.

People send me their wedding hot takes,

so I'm gonna read just two of them and

just gimme your, quick opinion on them.

I know we probably covered some of

these, but this person said, spending

the equal amount of a down payment

for a house on a wedding is insane.

This is a really like

controversial thing I think.

If you can afford it,

fine.

I think it only gets controversial

if you can't afford it.

And again, I think, some people

don't wanna be homeowners or

they can't be homeowners, so

personal finance is personal.

That's what I always

say at her first center.

K. Yeah.

but if you're going into

debt, yeah, absolutely not.

Yeah.

last one.

Oh, okay.

This is gonna be like a personal,

but, this says, real flowers

are the biggest waste of money.

Go without and get

artificial ones as they last.

Again, if it's important to you, I

think real flowers would be important

to me at my wedding because I love them.

but I live in Seattle

where Pi place market is.

This is what a lot of people do

in Seattle, is they don't get, you

know, the florist and the crazy

things is they'll go the day before.

Go down to pipe place market, get

basically the farm fresh flowers

that are there and then have

their crafty mom or mother-in-law.

With them, like put the bouquets together.

Great way to get fresh

flowers on a budget.

but you can also, I've seen like

people do fresh flowers with,

faux flowers or, prioritize.

Okay, I'm gonna have a big bouquet, but

my bridesmaids are just gonna carry,

eucalyptus or something like that.

That's less expensive.

Again, if you can afford it and

it's a priority for you, great.

It just means you maybe can't have

something else that you might want to.

Yeah.

I was just telling someone, one of the

prettiest bouquets I saw at a wedding,

I was helping with the wedding once

total DIY on a campground, we pulled

wild flowers, love the day before.

Yeah.

And threw 'em on the tables.

Love it.

And they looked so beautiful.

So just gotta do what you can work with.

Just keep in mind, I have a good friend

who's a florist and she's seen the

horror stories of, if you have a bunch

of beautiful flowers and it's going

to be hot at the wedding, yeah, those

flowers will wilt like nobody's business.

So, if you're getting married in

the middle of the summer, in Italy.

Just understand that your flowers,

your venue's gonna have to understand

what to do with those flowers so

that they don't wilt, you know?

Yeah.

Like, you just need to

have that expectation too.

Yeah.

Something I definitely think about.

Well, thank you so much for coming on.

I'm always like learning so much from you.

like I said, I'm a huge

fan of your podcast.

I have your book.

Thank you.

the information, the content you

share is just so, so important for

women, not only just women, but.

Women to learn and I just

really appreciate your time.

Thank you so much for having me.

so one last thing.

Can you just tell everyone where they

can find your work, follow you, and then

anything exciting that you're working on?

Yeah, so her first a hundred k is

where you can find me her first hundred

k.com, or at her first hundred K. We

have over 5 million other financial

feminists who would love to come see you.

financial Feminist is the name of

my book and podcast, so wherever

you're listening right now, you'll

find financial feminists there too.

we always have a lot of really

cool stuff we're working on.

I think.

My favorite thing right now is

we launched, one of our programs

called the a hundred K Club, it's

basically all of the resources you

need to get your first a hundred k.

So for people trying to pay off

debt, trying to learn how to

spend mindfully trying to save,

we have an incredible community.

We do live events, we do coaching with me.

and so yeah, you can find all the

information at her first hundred k.com.

Awesome.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.