Hi Tori.
Thank you so much for coming on.
Thank you for having me.
I am so excited to talk to you.
Like I said, I've been a
huge fan of you for years.
I think I found you in 2020 and
your advice for women on finances
like seriously changed my life.
I'm not gonna get emotional
geek a, but you just do so much
for women you for being here.
and can you just introduce yourself?
Thank you for all those kind words.
It's very sweet.
that's the mission of our work, is to
fight for women's financial rights.
So I started her first a hundred
K as a side hustle in 2016.
I was working a nine to five
in marketing, and then Donald
Trump got elected and was 22.
I had just graduated college and I
thought I was coming into adulthood
and into in a very different country
than, what ended up happening and
I wanted to do something about it.
And that, election really radicalized me.
I started having conversations with my
woman friends, my girlfriends, they were
coming to me and asking me questions about
money, about how to pay off debt and how
to save and how to invest in a Roth IRA.
And I was lucky enough to have a really
great financial education for my parents,
I thought, well, maybe this is it.
And as I grew in my own career
and started realizing that.
There were certain situations
that I could not get out of
because I didn't have the money.
I couldn't leave that toxic job.
I couldn't, move out of a certain
situation because I didn't have the money.
It was like, oh, this is the answer
to a lot of what we struggle with.
As a member of any minority group,
when you have money, you have options.
You have the ability to
leave a toxic situation.
You have the ability to donate to causes
you believe in or to travel or to go
to therapy, and you just show up as
the best, baddest version of yourself
when you are financially stable.
I started experiencing that in my own
life and I was like, this is the feeling I
want for every single woman on the planet.
So I started her first a hundred k. it
is now a multi seven figure business.
We have helped over 5 million women save
money, pay off debt, start investing.
our podcast Financial Feminist
is the number one money
podcast for women in the world.
And I wrote a New York Times bestseller,
also called Financial Feminist.
And this is my favorite thing to do
is fight for women's financial rights.
I love it.
And I thought you were the perfect person
to have on this show because as we talk
about weddings and events, and Yeah.
Going to that next chapter, you know,
if that's the next step, money is
talked about so much when it comes
into relationships, whether it's
moving in together, getting married,
getting engaged, it can be a problem,
If it's done the right way,
it can help a relationship.
Right?
Yeah.
And so I feel like you are the perfect
person to have on, because in a lot
of these stories that people send to
me, they're like, well, we don't know
how to have a budget for the wedding.
We don't know how to say no to
people offering to pay and then
dangling a string above us because
they want control of the wedding.
so I feel like money plays a
huge part in this kind of next
chapter that people kind of have.
I.
Yeah, absolutely.
And it's interesting that you said
that people are interested in having
financial conversations because I
love that it's usually not the case.
We actually know that, unfortunately,
the vast majority of people get
married without having serious
conversations about money.
And it ends up being the number one
reason or the number one cause of
separation in relationships is financial
problems, is lack of transparency.
so.
These conversations about money, hopefully
start when you're dating and then continue
to, when you get more serious and then
when you move in together, and then when
you start talking about being married.
And then of course, the costs
of the wedding it's typically a
pretty substantial cost for people.
And so I hope that everybody listening
views money, and financial wellness as.
Wellness with the rest of their lives.
Right?
We talk about mental wellness a
lot in our society now, mental
health, we talk about, of course,
our physical health, our emotional
health, but our financial health, I
would argue, is absolutely paramount
to all of the rest of those, right?
We can't go to the gym.
unless we have money to pay for
the gym membership, we can't
go to therapy unless we money.
And especially in a healthy relationship.
And especially before you, enter
into this new season of your life.
Shit's about to get really
expensive, so you need to be having
conversations with your partner and
decide, what do I want my wedding?
What do I want my marriage to look like?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
No, you make a really good
point about so many couples do
not talk about money until Yep.
They get to the wedding part or they're
already married and they're like, oh shit.
Like my partner.
Has debt or this is going on and
we've never talked about it, or how
do we get through this together?
and that's one thing I can straight up
say, like, you helped me and my partner
who I'm now married to, but at the time
it's like we were living together, but
it was like, how do we figure out bills?
you know, we're kind of going through
all these weird seizures together.
so I think it's so important that we
talk about it now in these stages.
You know, anyone listening that's like
currently engaged or with a partner
moving in, it's so important to.
Have those difficult conversations.
And that's one thing you help me with
too, is 'cause it's like, it's awkward
to talk about, especially when you grow
up being like, don't talk about money.
It's taboo.
Yeah.
And you need to have
those taboo conversations.
Yeah, I mean, it's very similar to
sex, And we're actually more likely
to talk about any other uncomfortable
topic before we'll talk about money.
So we'll talk about sex,
death, politics, religion.
We will have mm-hmm.
Any uncomfortable topic to spare us
from having a conversation about money.
But, I hope you're talking about
your sex life with your partner.
Mm-hmm.
I hope you.
Talk about what you like and what
you want and what your desires
are and how you enjoy pleasure.
Right.
That's a huge part of a
romantic relationship.
Mm-hmm.
Is, your sexual health and your
sexual, life with this other person.
Money's no different.
It's a little awkward to talk about.
It's a little scary.
there's a lot of emotional,
baggage and typically trauma that
you bring into that conversation.
but we need to talk about it and
especially with our life partner.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay, so getting into it, I reached
out to my audience to kind of ask
about some general questions when
it comes to weddings and budgeting.
starting off, this is a big one, and
I've seen some horror stories where
people send them to me after about.
Putting things on a
credit card for a wedding.
Oh yeah.
And financing.
And I even, which I felt terrible for this
girl, she reached out to me, this is a
while back about she was a maid of honor.
Didn't understand the responsibilities.
There was not really a communication.
Yeah.
And she ended up paying for every
like bachelorette party, all on her
credit card because she felt like
she needed to be a good friend.
Yeah.
So is financing a wedding with a
credit card a good or bad idea?
And what are your thoughts on that?
Yeah, let's talk about
those two situations.
So one, if you are the person getting
married, how should I pay for it?
But then I have a lot of hot takes too
about the, bachelor, bachelorette parties.
Yes.
Because that is getting
more and more expensive.
Okay, so the first one, I do not want
you going through what is hopefully
one of the most beautiful, enjoyable
days or experiences of your life,
thinking, how am I gonna afford this?
This is the same thing when people
put vacations on credit cards.
Like nothing tastes worse than a pina
colada on the beach when you're trying
to relax with a side of guilt and with
a side of like, I'm gonna get home
and the consequences will be there.
Right?
Yeah.
I don't want anything souring this day.
A lot of people go into debt,
especially costly debt like credit
cards because they're like, this
is a once in a lifetime experience.
Mm-hmm.
So, yolo, it doesn't matter.
And if you don't aren't familiar with
my work, I am not the financial expert
that shames you for spending money.
I am the financial expert that
shames you for being in debt.
So I wanna level set that.
However, again, I don't want
this beautiful thing being.
Potentially tarnished when you
realize that you're gonna be paying
it off for the next six months.
Mm-hmm.
Two years, five years, 10 years.
And especially with credit card
debt, that is the most costly kind
of debt you are in debt, at least
15% on average, 22% interest.
For context, the average student
loan right now is about five to 6%.
So you're taking out
five-ish times the amount.
Of a student loan to, be able
to take on what you're deciding
to put on this credit card.
And in addition, what a lot of
people don't understand about credit
cards is that the interest compounds.
So that means that the
interest earns interest.
Not all loans work this way.
Mortgage mortgages typically don't
work this way, but credit cards do
so the interest, every day you're,
in debt, it's earning you interest.
And also that interest
doesn't compound once a month.
It compounds every day.
So this is why credit card debt
in particular, can be so damaging.
It affects our credit score
for, potentially years.
It affects, just your ability to
take on, you know, and get a loan for
something like a house, in the future.
And it also is just
really, really expensive.
So please don't finance your wedding
and like that shouldn't be a hot take.
I think anybody.
Who is in the financial space is
gonna give you the same advice.
Now, there are ways that you can think
about, the wedding of your dreams
that don't involve credit cards,
and we can talk more about that.
I. The second thing, let's talk about
the bachelor bachelorette commitments.
I have been in one, bachelorette party
and luckily it was not the kind of
situation where it was like a week long
bachelorette, in Cabo with the yachts
and the bottle service, you I think
transparency is gonna be the recurring
theme of this episode, which is you need
to be transparent with your partner if
you're getting married, and you need to
be transparent with your bridal party.
So what that looks like, I was
actually just talking to somebody
the other day that they got a form
with like, Hey, what's your budget?
I'm getting married.
know, they sent it to their, bridesmaids,
what is your budget for these items?
What your budget for dress?
What is your budget for
the bachelorette party?
And then based on that, created
the whole, bachelorette experience.
So I think it's really important
for the person getting married
to lead that conversation now.
If you are not the person getting
married and you are dealing with the,
oh my gosh, these costs keep adding up
and I don't want to be a bad friend.
It's something I hear a lot as well.
okay.
I'm gonna get a little spicy.
I love it
if, if someone in your life is demanding
you go into debt to prove that you're a
good friend, they're not a good friend.
Yep.
Like they're just not.
And, if the bride is not.
Sending out forms, having open
conversations with you about
how much things will cost.
What you need to do is unfortunately
take on the burden of that conversation,
which is going to them and doing what I
love is a gratitude sandwich of feedback.
Okay, so you're gonna go, oh, thank
you for asking me to be a bridesmaid.
I am so honored that, you would think of
me, our friendship means so much to me.
nice piece of bread, gratitude
meat is the part where you have to
talk about what's going on in your
brain and your body and your life.
So.
Then you're going, I either, finances are
really tight right now and I really can't
afford to be in the bridal party, but I
would love to support you second piece of
bread in any other aspect of the wedding.
And I'm so excited I will be there with
bells on to support you and your partner
if you know you wanna be a bridesmaid.
And maybe the conversations are
happening where it's like, oh my
gosh, yeah, we are gonna go to Europe.
And you're like, I can't afford Europe.
Yeah.
Then you go.
Again, so excited, so happy.
I am not in the financial position
to be able to afford this.
and then give them options.
You can say, Hey, can
we go somewhere else?
Instead, if you're committed to going
to Europe, I'm gonna sit this one out.
Or, I am going to come to half of the trip
because I can't afford the whole thing.
I'm gonna come to half and then
I, I'm gonna have to jet, right?
and so these conversations
just need to be happening.
I know it feels awkward, but I can tell
you from the thousands of emails I have
gotten, and I imagine you feel the same
way, that the awkwardness is so much
worse when the resentment kicks in.
Mm-hmm.
When you're going, oh my God.
Okay.
This has costing me $3,500 and I don't
have $3,500, and it's very hard to
be authentically celebratory for this
person when you're harboring resentment.
I don't know how you feel about this
a hundred percent.
I get stories all the time where
people then, after the fact, they feel
like, oh, I spent all this money and
yep,
we kinda dwindled away after the wedding.
Or they just have all these
feelings kind of built up.
it goes back to feeling like they
have to say yes to everything.
And I get it.
And I, felt really glad that, like, when
it came time for my wedding, I had two
bridesmaids that were like, Hey, I'm
not gonna do the bachelorette party.
And I was like, that's great.
I want absolutely no
pressure for you guys.
I even told my maid of honor like.
It's okay.
Like these are optional.
' I mean, I had been in plenty of weddings
over the years and I saw how things can
add up and it takes away, especially if
you have kids or a partner at home, you
don't wanna take off work sometimes.
Yeah.
I get it.
And I think especially with a maid of
honor, you need to be having conversations
about what the expectations are.
Because some weddings, it's just yeah,
it's basically like, Fancy title,
but I don't expect anything of you.
And for some, it's like you are
a project manager full time, so
you need to have a conversation.
And also what inevitably happens is
that a lot of people get into the
excitement of the wedding, right?
We've all seen father of the bride.
It's like you get in the excitement
of the wedding and the wedding keeps.
Getting crazier.
So if you are the maid of honor
and you committed to something
that has now changed, it's time to
have another conversation of just,
again, I'm so excited for you all.
This seems so incredible.
I want you to have the
wedding that you want.
Mm-hmm.
However.
I'm at capacity here.
I can't do all of the things you're asking
me to do, and I'd rather come to you and
talk to you about it than feel secretly
harboring again, resentment mm-hmm.
Or feelings.
' cause I want this to be
a positive experience.
So those are the kind of conversations
you have to have that again, might
feel uncomfortable, but ultimately.
I want everybody to be able to enjoy this
experience, to be able to enjoy this day.
And the resentment, the, guilt,
the shame is not going to lead
to an enjoyable experience.
Right.
Yeah.
And absolutely like, you said.
You're so, nervous about telling
a bride that, that they're gonna
like end your friendship over it,
then they're not a good friend.
That
tells you a lot.
That tells you a lot.
Mm-hmm.
and what you can do is if you're in
the bridal party, and I would recommend
this for brides as well, is you do
need to sit down and be like, okay.
head to toe, what is every
single cost going to be now?
Bachelorette party, right?
The obvious costs are a flight if you're
getting on a flight, lodging, restaurants,
experiences, but it's also like.
Uber's to and from the airport.
Mm-hmm.
It's also the, matching
bachelorette t-shirts.
Right.
It's the, drinks at the bar.
And then a lot of people, are
taking, the bridal party is
paying for the bride's experience.
Is that part of the expectation?
If so, how is that being split?
Is it just the maid of honor?
Is it.
Split, you know, if there's five
bridesmaids, is it split five ways?
Like those are the conversations you
wanna have because again, you don't
wanna be in the moment when you've
had a couple margaritas and you're
feeling good, and then you start
making a plan like you are inebriated.
It's not an authentic plan.
Mm-hmm.
And again, nothing tastes worse than
a pina colada with a side of guilt
that applies to everything here.
Nothing tastes worse than a beautiful
wedding with a side of credit card debt.
Nothing tastes worse than.
having a great experience in the moment
and then waking up and going, shit, I
had to put all of that on my credit card
last night because I can't afford it.
So again, you have to have conversations,
but you also need to make a
financial plan when everything's.
Fine when nothing is crazy, when
you haven't planned anything yet.
So you have the foundation that
you need to stick to when there's
temptation to veer away from the plan.
Yes.
Oh my gosh, that's such good advice.
So, I mean, I feel like that kind of
covers when we're talking about, you
know, managing your expectations.
So going into more of like the
wedding, I know we're talking about,
so don't, put it on a credit card.
Yeah.
What would you say to someone that's
like, how do I. Budget for this wedding.
How do I kind of plan for this?
and I always tell people too, I'm
like, let go of expectations of others.
'cause I think a lot of times people want
this big, huge wedding with 500 people.
For other people, they don't think about
what do my partner and I actually want?
What's true to us?
Yeah, I think you make a great point
where that's what you need to start
with is sitting down and having
a conversation with your partner.
What wedding do we wanna have?
And it's not what wedding does
Aunt Marge want us to have?
What wedding does my mom want us to have?
It's what wedding do we
want to have, because.
Ultimately, again, it is your day, and I
know there's a lot of familial pressure.
I know that there's a lot of people,
a lot of cooks in that kitchen.
Yep.
But ultimately, this
wedding is about a marriage.
The wedding is one day or for the
crazy people, you know, a two weeks.
Right.
But the wedding is the
beginning of a marriage.
Mm-hmm.
You are in partnership
with this other person.
You are not in partnership with your mom
or your mother-in-law, like you're not
in a marriage with your mother-in-law.
You're not in a marriage even with,
your maid of honor, best friend
you are in a partnership in a
marriage with your life partner.
You need to make decisions and
start acting like you're in a
marriage when you get married.
Mm-hmm.
The wedding is just a day.
The marriage is a lifetime,
so you need to decide what you
actually want with your partner.
Now, again, easier said than done
when there's a lot of voices.
Yeah.
However, I think getting on the same
page without any of that pressure
first, and maybe it's journaling
separately, like what do I actually want?
And again, not what have I seen in
movies that tells me what I should want?
What have I seen other people do that
gives me a little bit of envy or jealousy?
Like, what do you actually want?
Mm-hmm.
Then you need to ask
yourself, can I afford?
What I actually want.
Mm-hmm.
Now, sometimes the answer
will be, yeah, we can do that.
And sometimes the answer will be no.
We'd have to go into a
lot of debt to do this.
Mm-hmm.
So we have to find a happy
medium there because.
A lot of times I want a Ferrari.
I want, a seven month
stay at the four Seasons.
but that is not in my budget, right?
So there's a lot of things that we
can want, but that we can't afford.
And again, I I cannot
emphasize this enough.
It is very easy to get in the
yellow state of mind of like,
hopefully we only get married
once, so like we're gonna go crazy.
I do not want this day to be
haunting you four years because
you could not afford it, right?
So what do I want?
Journal about that.
Think about that.
Come to your partner.
What do we want together?
And then what can we actually afford?
So the best thing to keep in
mind is that obviously weddings
are gonna be very expensive.
But you need to determine in
the wedding what is really
important to you about this.
Mm-hmm.
is it, I want this particular dress
and I'm willing to compromise on
other things in order to have that.
Great.
I was actually just thinking
about this the other day.
my partner and I, have been
together for three years.
I don't think we're getting married
anytime soon, but I don't know why.
I just thought about this.
I'm like, what would be
important at my wedding?
And food is huge for me.
Mm-hmm.
And now I've turned my
partner into a foodie as well.
So I was literally thinking, I was like.
When we get married, I think
it will probably, like the
food is gonna be the priority.
'cause I want every guest at the
wedding to eat really well and I
wanna have like a memorable meal.
So, okay.
I would be willing to
compromise on other things.
Maybe that's, less crazy flowers, or I do
my flowers myself, and I want good food,
so I'm willing to compromise for that.
Mm-hmm.
My friend Paula Pant, who's
another financial expert, says,
you can afford almost anything.
You just can't afford everything.
Love that.
And this is all of life, right?
Is it's like, okay, I really
wanna go see Taylor Swift.
And a tour.
A tour tickets are really expensive,
so I am willing to not drink as much
coffee or I'm willing to not, buy every
piece of clothing I want to buy because
I would rather do this other thing.
So that's what you need to ask yourself.
It's not deprivation,
it's actually strategic.
It's, I really want this thing.
So I'm gonna compromise on this
other thing so I can have this thing.
So that becomes then the next conversation
of what can we afford and then where
do we want to really spend our money?
Mm-hmm.
And then you can kind of
determine what the budget should
be and also what, you know.
Yeah.
I don't wanna compromise on that,
but I'm willing to compromise
on this so I can have that.
Yeah, I love that.
that really ties into one of
the biggest lessons I always see
you talk about, and that's like.
Not shaming people for the coffee,
you know, buying your $4 coffee,
whatever it is, if it's something that
you enjoy and it's gonna bring you
happiness on that day, then do it.
And if that's something that's in
your budget, but if you're just doing
like a really fancy ballroom because
your parents got married there and
they are really pushing you, maybe
let's say goodbye to that and do
like a smaller venue, you know?
Right.
So that's a such a great point.
'cause I think we get caught
up in what everyone else wants.
Yeah.
Or it's okay, we need to invite your
uncle and aunt that you haven't spoken to
in 10 years just because they're family.
And it's like, no, no.
It's your wedding.
You get to do whatever
the hell you wanna do.
And I think that, once you start
setting those boundaries too with
family, boundaries always feel
like aggression for people who
have never experienced a boundary.
Mm-hmm.
So it can just be like,
no, this is our wedding.
We're gonna do this.
No, but no, this is our wedding.
We're gonna do this and would love
to see you, but if, this makes
you uncomfortable, we'll see you,
just see you at the reception or
we'll see you for dinner after.
Like, if they wanna uninvite
themselves from their behavior, great.
that's in their control.
I think I'm better at boundaries set than
the average person, but like that is the
level of boundaries you need to have.
On a wedding day because
families are insane.
Yes.
And like you need to a hundred percent
know what you and your partner want.
Make sure you two are on the same
team, you're on the same page,
and you are staying committed
to what you actually want.
Yes.
I always say like, if I would've
gotten married to my now husband
when we first started dating.
would've been so different because
I think I would've been so much more
easily, like persuaded and, 'cause we
were together like almost six years before
we got engaged or before we got married.
And so I was early twenties, you
know, I feel like so much more
easily like, yeah, I should do that.
Okay.
But also our budget
would've been way smaller.
So it's like, what would, I've
gone into debt, who knows?
so I feel like now like.
By the time we did get married, it
was like we saw our friends do it.
We saw what things we liked and we didn't
like, and then we were so much better
at being like, this is what we want.
We're not gonna have a huge wedding, we're
gonna have, you know, a standard amount.
If I haven't talked to you in over
a year, you're not getting invited.
That's just how it was.
Yeah.
And at the end of the day, like if
we're just looking, at the legality of
it, you and this person are signing a.
Financial and legal contract.
Mm-hmm.
The wedding is something that, from
a cultural and societal point we have
now put on this, and again, especially
if you're like a person of color,
there's certain traditions, right?
There's certain cultural, experiences.
But at the end of the day, like.
and this person are
signing a legal contract.
Everything on top can be whatever
the hell you want it to be.
Mm-hmm.
We've just, in society, had a very
specific version of what a wedding is.
Even, white dress.
So many people now are wearing red
dresses, they're wearing, pants suits.
They're not wearing dresses at all.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
So there's so many ways that you can make
this an authentic celebration of your
love and excitement with this person.
And it can be whatever you want it to be.
It can just be, we're getting married
at a courthouse and we're going and
renting out the back room at a restaurant
for the 20 people we want there.
That's a wedding.
It doesn't have to be a big
hoopla if you don't want it to be.
Yeah, I love that.
Okay.
I thought we would jump
into a little wedding.
Money, rapid fire.
Love it.
Just to kind of get things going.
And then I've got a story that someone
sent me and we'll kind of, react to that.
So here we go.
Okay.
All right.
I think I know what you're
gonna say about this first one.
Okay.
Set.
Set the guest list or set the budget.
Yeah, I think we have to go budget
first, but I think it can be a. You
can do 'em at the same time of like,
okay, I'm gonna have a general budget
and then I'm gonna have the guest
list and there's gonna probably be
some people that don't make the cut.
And it's your wedding.
Yep.
Got it.
We always gotta keep saying that.
cash fund or traditional gift registry.
oh, you've given me the perfect
opportunity to talk about something that
I've been meaning to talk about forever.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
Okay.
I love it.
Sorry, this is no longer rapid
fire, but gimme a second.
Okay.
It's okay.
I love it.
So.
Okay, so, you know how in, let's call
it the fifties, fifties, sixties, right?
And I'm gonna use the,
heteronormative relationship here.
When a man was marrying a woman,
especially in, let's call it
everything before really the 1970s,
it was typically happening either.
at 18, and the woman was not attending
university, or it was happening basically
the moment they graduated, or even, you
know, the semester before they graduated.
Yep.
People were getting
married extremely young.
So especially women would
literally go from their parents'
house to their husband's house.
That was it.
Right?
So you'd go and you'd live
your 18 years with your family,
and then you'd get married.
Or you'd go to college and
then you'd get married.
So you did not have a life that
was not living with somebody else.
Yeah.
You did not have a life and stuff
that you would've accumulated.
You typically did not live alone.
Right.
This is my nana.
My nana got married I think at
19 and had three kids by like 25.
And I think about that now
and I'm like, oh my God.
same.
So we live in a society now where.
People are getting married a lot later.
Mm-hmm.
Women have a lot more now.
the rights are dwindling every
day, but a lot more rights, right?
Mm-hmm.
Women are getting more,
college degrees than men are.
So in our society, everything's
changed for me, right?
I, left my parents' house at 18.
I went to college until I was, 22.
I got my bachelor's degree
and I have lived on my own.
I still live on my own.
I don't live with my partner.
I'm 30 years old and so I have eight
years where I have bought my own blender
and bought my own couch and bought my
own desk and bought my own silverware.
So I think it's changing, but there
was this idea, especially like 10 years
ago of it's like tacky to ask for cash.
Like I just wanna buy you a toaster.
And I'm like, okay.
So.
Now though, in a typical
relationship, when I get married
to my partner, my partner has a
toaster and I have a toaster, right?
And maybe we've moved in together and
consolidated to one toaster, right?
But we've already had a life where
we have purchased a lot of the things
that would typically go on a registry.
Now we weddings are perfect
opportunity to ask for the things
that you maybe couldn't afford.
Like, okay, I'm gonna get the
really nice flatware, I'm gonna
get the really nice pots and pans,
or the really nice knife, but.
This whole narrative around, oh,
it's tacky to just ask for money.
I'm like, it's actually not, because
the way that weddings happens at
a societal level is so different.
They happen later in life.
Women have an increased education.
People are getting married
in a different way.
They've typically already
moved in together.
And so I love a cash fund.
That is my long-winded way of
saying this, and it's, I think it's
so, unfair when people are like.
Why aren't they asking for cash?
That's tacky.
No, the way we view weddings
has fundamentally changed.
Mm-hmm.
I already have a blender.
My partner already has a blender.
You don't need to buy me a
blender as a wedding gift.
That is the third blender
that I don't need.
I've already established
my independent life.
Yes.
Two things that I always see about cash
funds anytime I post about it, either
should say showers or registries.
Right.
People, one can't understand
when a bride in a traditional
relationship would want their groom.
There would want a guy there
like, Why are guides there?
That's one question I always see,
and the other one I always see is
I'm not paying for a honeymoon,
I'm not paying for this, and I go.
What if you give money at a
wedding, you don't have control
over what they use it for.
They can use it for their lunch tomorrow.
They could use it for bedsheets
or they could use it for a
pina colada on the beach.
Why does that matter?
Right.
Well, and let's be honest, if you
buy me a blender and I already
have a blender, I am going.
To the store, returning the blender and
getting the money, getting the cash.
so just gimme the money.
But it's also like we have all of these
sites, I think Zola's one of 'em, right?
That'll say, okay, you can buy the
couple dinner on their honeymoon.
Yeah.
And like, I love that because it feels
like ultimately it's just money, right?
But it feels a little bit more like,
okay, I am buying this person something.
I'm buying them an experience
on their honeymoon.
I am helping them contribute to
their down payment on a house fund.
so that's a nice kind of happy medium of.
I'm gifting them this experience.
Does it go into a big cash fund?
Yeah, it does.
But I am buying them this experience
that they can now do on their
honeymoon or after, getting married.
So I think that, yeah, I just hate
the whole, like, cash is tacky.
I'm like, no it's not.
The entire concept of marriage is so
different than it was 50 years ago.
Mm-hmm.
Everything's different.
So, yeah, I just, I hate
that whole narrative.
Yes.
Oh my gosh.
I love that.
Okay.
All right.
Back to the rapid fire.
Okay.
Splurge.
Yeah.
Sorry.
No, you're good.
No, I love it.
I love the discourse, splurge on
honeymoon or save it for a house.
I think it's up to you.
It's up to the couple.
if buying a home is
really important, great.
Again, it's a trade off, right?
I really want a house, so I'm
okay doing a less crazy honeymoon.
Nope.
I really wanna travel.
I wanna have a once in a
lifetime travel experience.
I don't, I'm not interested in buying a
house or that doesn't make sense for us.
Or I'd rather rent.
Okay.
Great.
Crazy honeymoon.
It is.
Yeah.
Love it.
bigger emergency fund
before the wedding or after.
I mean, if you can do
it before, do it before.
but this is again where we hopefully
are saving a separate wedding
fund from our emergency fund.
Your emergency fund is
truly for emergencies.
It is for when shit hits the fan.
If you're familiar with my work,
you know, it's the number one
thing I counsel people to do.
It's the first financial goal
you should be saving for.
But if that is separate, that is
gonna be separate from the amount of
money you're spending on the wedding.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
I got two more.
Pay off debt first or
save for the wedding.
It depends on the kind of debt.
If you're in credit card debt,
that is really expensive and we
wanna get that paid off, before we
prioritize saving more aggressively.
However, my answer for a lot of
things is like, why not both?
If you can do both at the
same time, especially if the
wedding's getting closer.
I don't want you just so focused on
paying off your debt that you suddenly
have a $50,000 wedding that you
will have to go back into debt for.
Yeah.
So if we can do both, do both.
Okay.
All right, and last one, split.
The wedding costs 50
50 or based on income.
Oh, I love this one.
I think.
Most things, if not all things
in a relationship should
be split on your income.
I have been very vocal about this.
I'm a multimillionaire.
I make a lot more money than my partner.
My partner makes about $65,000 a year.
So we are in very different tax
brackets and everything from, a
big deal from getting married to
just splitting, the cost of a trip.
We have a conversation and it is.
it's never 50 50 because
that's not equitable.
I'm not looking for equal,
I'm looking for equitable.
Yeah.
So I make a lot more than he does.
it is my responsibility to
spend more, than he does.
Right?
does not make sense to
like split our rent 50 50.
So maybe it's 70, 30, 80 20.
You guys get to figure that out.
But, Nobody is walking into a marriage
with the exact same financial situation
as somebody else, the exact same amount of
debt, the exact same salary with benefits,
the exact same, earning potential even I.
So that is something definitely that
you should chat about with your partner.
Yeah, I love that.
I learned that from you as well.
Like that's how my partner and
I've always worked everything.
'cause we're like, it doesn't, I love it.
It's not fair to be completely
50% if we make different money.
So I love that.
Okay, let's jump into this
week's story submission.
So what we do is just, I'll just read a
story, we'll kind of stop and react to it.
and we'll just go with the flow.
Okay.
This says, we were so excited to
have finally chosen our wedding
venue and secured our date
planning could officially begin.
We were assigned a venue coordinator
and scheduled a meeting with
her to go over all the details.
The meeting went great we
left feeling confident.
But the very next day we received an email
saying, our coordinator had accepted a
new job, and we'd be assigned a new one.
Here we go.
Oh gosh.
We were told not to worry.
All the information from our meeting,
the venue layout, choices, ceremony,
and reception were all shared with her.
They would be passed along
to this new coordinator.
A few weeks later, we received
an introduction email from our
newly assigned coordinator.
She encouraged us to reach out with
any questions and scheduled our final
meeting with her before the wedding.
Naturally, we had several questions,
so I emailed her and waited.
Weeks went by without a response.
I sent a follow up message.
Still nothing.
I tried calling, no answer.
Eventually, I contacted the head
coordinator at the venue who informed
me that our coordinator was on
leave just weeks before our wedding.
We would be assigned
another new coordinator.
Gosh.
Okay.
when we finally met the third
coordinator, we discovered that
the information from our original
meeting had been completely mixed up.
Even worse, what we were originally
were told was not correct.
It was a total mess.
Fast forward to our wedding weekend.
Oh my gosh.
I can't believe like nothing was
figured out before the wedding weekend.
Okay.
We were hit with a surprise charge from
the venue that had never been disclosed
and we were not financially prepared.
We ended up maxing out our credit cards
just to finish paying off the wedding.
Oh no.
This is a nightmare situation.
Oh, okay.
if you guys are just listening,
can't see the, video, Tori just,
oh, I'm having a full meltdown.
Oh gosh.
Uh, gosh.
Here we go.
Okay.
So they ended up maxing out credit
cards just to finish paying off the
wedding because we were told the event
couldn't proceed until it was fully paid.
That's like unheard of.
Why would they just all of a sudden.
Say that to them.
They didn't offer any
payment plans either.
That seems very odd.
One of the wildest moments was
when we were told after paying for
a ceiling treatment, wait, what?
That we would also need to pay an
additional fee to have it installed or
they building a new building for them.
I mean a ceiling treatment
being like, you know, tool or
ribbon, hung from the ceiling.
That's what, in my head, ceiling treatment
maybe.
No.
Yeah.
You know what?
You might,
be right.
I
think that's
it.
I'm like
picturing them building out a
whole new, at first I, oh, see.
Yeah.
And at first I was like, are
they taking like the popcorn
off the ceiling or some shit?
Like Yeah.
Like what?
That is insane.
So then there, so is the question,
what
to do.
So it's like they're not only paying
for this item, they're paying for it
to be installed, which you would think
that would be included in that price.
we told them to remove it from the
invoice 'cause we simply couldn't
afford to pay for something we thought
we had already bought because it was
supposed to be included at the reception.
The coordinator who was supposed
to be there never showed up.
Oh my gosh.
I would be literal.
Okay.
This is terrible.
The venue staff were rude
to my family during setup.
I had planned for lawn games during
cocktail hour, but when my mom started
setting them up, one of the staff members
said, why are you setting those up?
Don't do that.
No one will play them.
My poor mom decided it wasn't
worth the fight and just didn't
set them up, which upset me.
The bartenders were rude to the guests
and didn't even have enough of what we
ordered for our specialty cocktails.
The venue only set six chairs
at each table instead of eight.
Was this their first
venue or first wedding?
Like it seems like they
don't know what to do.
as shown on our seating chart.
So guests left without places to sit.
People were literally carrying chairs from
table to table to sit with their group.
Finally, it was time to cut the
cake, the cake cutting, set by
the venue was supposed to provide
and was then nowhere to be found.
Oh, their cake cutting set.
Someone had to run and grab a random
knife so they could cut our cake.
Despite all the chaos, we absolutely
loved our wedding, but wow.
It was definitely a wild ride.
I love when they're so
positive at the end.
I'm like,
no, I was hoping, I was like, please
tell me you at least had a good time.
Jesus.
Oh,
okay.
Like what you do in that situation?
I got it.
I'm gonna fix this person's entire life.
Okay, love it.
Okay, here we go.
First thing, is.
Gather every single piece of documentation
you have about everything that went wrong.
Mm. So everything of like those
emails that you never got a
response to, the document.
Okay.
There was no, cake cutting.
There was not enough chairs.
There was an additional fee, even
though, like, hopefully you have
notes from the original call.
Yeah.
And hopefully you have
a date on those notes.
So we're gonna go, yeah,
I'm going full like.
Detective, FBI here.
Okay?
So you need full
documentation of everything.
So that's the first thing.
So gather all of that documentation.
The second thing you're gonna do
is you are gonna go to the venue.
And you're going to ask
them to make it right.
This is their first opportunity.
Okay.
Is you're going to
gratitude sandwich again.
thank you for doing, you know, find
some nice things that they did about,
thank you for, taking care of us.
I wouldn't say even say even taking
care of us 'cause they didn't, thank
you for hosting our special day.
We appreciate you did this and
this and this and you're then
gonna go a full, block of an email.
this was not right.
This was the expectation set.
We felt extremely unsupported.
There was additional costs,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
This is what we expect.
You're gonna ask for a full refund
on the wedding, a full refund.
Yes.
They're probably gonna tell you no, but
you're gonna ask for a full refund on
the wedding if you get hostility back.
You're gonna go to your
credit card company and you're
going to dispute the charge.
This is rule number three.
So credit cards, one of the best
things about credit cards is when
used responsibly, they're incredible
tools for situations like this.
I spent this money and did not get
what I asked for, or the expectation
I was charged this amount of money.
It's like, okay, I was double
charged by this company.
For no reason.
Right?
Yeah.
You get to dispute the charge.
So you're gonna call your
credit card company, you're
gonna tell them everything.
You're gonna be like, I have
documentation, I have receipts.
I can send them all to you, and
you're gonna dispute the charge.
So the biggest two things is you're gonna
go back and forth with the venue, right.
And you're gonna get, it's not even
Karen, because you're asking for
something that's totally understandable.
Mm-hmm.
But you're gonna be like, If you
don't make this right, I'm not gonna
be able to recommend this venue.
I'm going to be basically
forced to leave a poor review.
This was not a pleasurable experience
and I need you to make it right.
you did not offer me a coordinator.
I did not hear from them four weeks.
there were additional charges
that were not transparent.
if you have the contract right, you
hopefully signed a contract with a
vendor, go through the contract, see what
was in the contract versus what wasn't.
and then again, hopefully they
refund you at least partially.
If you either don't get a refund
or just get a partial refund, go
dispute it with your credit card.
Hope this helps.
Yes.
Oh my gosh, perfect advice.
' cause that is just, I feel like
so many times unreal when it
gets stories sent from brides.
They're just like looking back
on it and be like, this sucks.
And just feel like they
have to deal with it.
I love it.
No, I will give
anybody listening if something
does not go right at your wedding.
That was in somebody's control.
Not the weather, not, something
crazy, but like in their control.
Negotiate it.
negotiate it every single time.
I know somebody who literally got
their wedding basically 50% off.
Like the photographer didn't show
up on time, so they were like,
Hey, I want half off the photos.
like the venue was supposed
to have this, it didn't.
They negotiated 25% off of that, like
there's already an insane upcharge as soon
as you put the word wedding on anything.
And you expected a service that was
not completed, therefore you should
not have to pay the full amount.
that's just it.
so if anybody's out there.
He was like, oh, but I don't
wanna be an inconvenience.
No, you spent your hard-earned money
and this person went into debt.
to try to pay for this.
So you need to dispute it.
You need to have a conversation.
Anytime something goes wrong and
it's, you know, significant enough,
it's not like, I don't know.
Oh, the, tablecloth were
slightly the wrong color.
No, that's too minuscule.
But if something significant
goes wrong that impacts your,
or your guest experience.
Negotiate it.
Yeah,
negotiate it.
I love it.
'cause I think most people don't even feel
like they have the opportunity to do that.
I learned that from you too.
Is like where you can like call like
phone bills or like internet bill.
Yep.
Call them, you know, never just
completely like accept something without
calling and looking into it first.
And you made a good point too about when
you have meetings like this, whether it's
a wedding or anything else, like a big.
Large sum of money, write things
down, record things, document it,
have email, because I think a lot
of times things happen on the phone.
I had a crazy, this is what
I recommend for work too, is like, okay,
if I have a conversation with somebody
on the phone, I will send them a follow
up email of like, Hey, it was so great to
talk to you as a reminder to both of us.
Here's everything we discussed.
Yeah.
Because then I have a timestamp,
I have, correspondence that
they have received it, right?
Mm-hmm.
So unless they email back and
they're like, no, that's not correct.
we assume that we're on the same page, so
then you have documentation of all of it.
Yeah.
I love that.
this is a very small side story, but I
learned my lesson with this recently.
We were sending up for,
self-employment insurance or whatever.
And this guy I noticed was only on
the phone and then things didn't go
through, but he, I got like triple
charged and all of a sudden it was
like this crazy like scam thing,
but I had no emails to show it.
I'm like, I swear, this
is what he said to me.
And so now I'm like, okay, I'm never just
going on the phone with an insurance guy.
I need proof.
Yeah, and again, a lot of
these conversations do happen
in person or over the phone.
So take notes while they're happening
in a notebook or on your phone, and then
I know it seems tedious and hopefully
you won't need them, but you're gonna
then email everybody you talk to
and be like, Hey, thank you so much.
You can do this at work.
Again, this is at work, this is in your
wedding and planning, just going, Hey,
here's everything we discussed today.
If any of this is incorrect,
please let me know.
So looking forward to seeing you
again, meeting with you again.
You have to have documentation
of it because it really comes in
handy for situations like this.
Yes, I love that.
Okay, one final thing.
People send me their wedding hot takes,
so I'm gonna read just two of them and
just gimme your, quick opinion on them.
I know we probably covered some of
these, but this person said, spending
the equal amount of a down payment
for a house on a wedding is insane.
This is a really like
controversial thing I think.
If you can afford it,
fine.
I think it only gets controversial
if you can't afford it.
And again, I think, some people
don't wanna be homeowners or
they can't be homeowners, so
personal finance is personal.
That's what I always
say at her first center.
K. Yeah.
but if you're going into
debt, yeah, absolutely not.
Yeah.
last one.
Oh, okay.
This is gonna be like a personal,
but, this says, real flowers
are the biggest waste of money.
Go without and get
artificial ones as they last.
Again, if it's important to you, I
think real flowers would be important
to me at my wedding because I love them.
but I live in Seattle
where Pi place market is.
This is what a lot of people do
in Seattle, is they don't get, you
know, the florist and the crazy
things is they'll go the day before.
Go down to pipe place market, get
basically the farm fresh flowers
that are there and then have
their crafty mom or mother-in-law.
With them, like put the bouquets together.
Great way to get fresh
flowers on a budget.
but you can also, I've seen like
people do fresh flowers with,
faux flowers or, prioritize.
Okay, I'm gonna have a big bouquet, but
my bridesmaids are just gonna carry,
eucalyptus or something like that.
That's less expensive.
Again, if you can afford it and
it's a priority for you, great.
It just means you maybe can't have
something else that you might want to.
Yeah.
I was just telling someone, one of the
prettiest bouquets I saw at a wedding,
I was helping with the wedding once
total DIY on a campground, we pulled
wild flowers, love the day before.
Yeah.
And threw 'em on the tables.
Love it.
And they looked so beautiful.
So just gotta do what you can work with.
Just keep in mind, I have a good friend
who's a florist and she's seen the
horror stories of, if you have a bunch
of beautiful flowers and it's going
to be hot at the wedding, yeah, those
flowers will wilt like nobody's business.
So, if you're getting married in
the middle of the summer, in Italy.
Just understand that your flowers,
your venue's gonna have to understand
what to do with those flowers so
that they don't wilt, you know?
Yeah.
Like, you just need to
have that expectation too.
Yeah.
Something I definitely think about.
Well, thank you so much for coming on.
I'm always like learning so much from you.
like I said, I'm a huge
fan of your podcast.
I have your book.
Thank you.
the information, the content you
share is just so, so important for
women, not only just women, but.
Women to learn and I just
really appreciate your time.
Thank you so much for having me.
so one last thing.
Can you just tell everyone where they
can find your work, follow you, and then
anything exciting that you're working on?
Yeah, so her first a hundred k is
where you can find me her first hundred
k.com, or at her first hundred K. We
have over 5 million other financial
feminists who would love to come see you.
financial Feminist is the name of
my book and podcast, so wherever
you're listening right now, you'll
find financial feminists there too.
we always have a lot of really
cool stuff we're working on.
I think.
My favorite thing right now is
we launched, one of our programs
called the a hundred K Club, it's
basically all of the resources you
need to get your first a hundred k.
So for people trying to pay off
debt, trying to learn how to
spend mindfully trying to save,
we have an incredible community.
We do live events, we do coaching with me.
and so yeah, you can find all the
information at her first hundred k.com.
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.