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Hi Kate.

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Thank you for being here.

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Hi, nice to see you.

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I'm so excited to be here.

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Thanks for having me.

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Yes, I'm so excited.

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Like I was saying before we started

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recording, you came up on my feed

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strolling and you were talking

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about difficult relationships with

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mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws.

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And you talk about so many complicated

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relationships in marriage and family.

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And so that's why I thought you are

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perfect to come on because we see a

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lot of these issues, I should say, I

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dunno if that's the right term, but

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come up in these stories that we read.

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And so I thought from a professional

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standpoint and we can kind of, you

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chat about other stuff as well.

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But before I get too into my fangirling

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and being really excited about your

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work, can you just tell us a little bit

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more about yourself and what you do?

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Yes, so I'm a licensed marriage and

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family therapist, and I also make content

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under the handle codependency, Kate.

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I'm so passionate about education.

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Like you said, these are huge issues

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and people don't really talk about

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them except venting to their friends.

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people don't really understand

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the background behind things.

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And when I was in school to be a

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therapist, I was learning all this stuff.

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I was like, oh my gosh,

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everyone needs to know this.

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Why am I. Learning this

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now, this is so important.

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And so that's when I started

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posting on social media, was in

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grad school to purely educate.

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And it's just kind of turned

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into a thing, especially around,

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estrangement specifically, just

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because there's so much stuff happening

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between marriages and in-laws.

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It's so complicated and complex

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and no one knows what to do.

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And so I just try to zoom out and

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educate people on family systems

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theory and dynamics so that they

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can be more informed, take this

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information to their friends and

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family, to their own relationships.

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Obviously parallel to going

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to a therapist themselves.

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But, yeah, so that's what I just try

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to do with the platform that I have.

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Yeah.

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No, I think that's so good because

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like I was saying, in so many

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of these stories, it's like.

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Something might happen

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completely outta left field.

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Like the husband could have a

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great relationship with his mom,

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great relationship with his fiance,

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and the second, they get engaged

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or get married, there's a flip.

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and so I think a lot of times people

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don't know to prepare for that

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or like how to prepare for that.

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So is this something or you've studied a

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lot in your work where it's like there's

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a switch because it's like a power shift

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and it's like, oh, he has a new family.

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Like where does that come from?

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Sometimes,

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yeah, it's tough.

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every situation is different,

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but it's also not, you know,

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there's definitely themes at play.

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What I have seen in my work with clients.

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cause it's different, my work with clients

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and then a lot of stories I hear online,

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there's very different audiences here,

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but I've definitely seen this a lot.

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I think what happens is, yes, there is

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a totally different dynamic at play.

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I think what happens is an outsider

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coming in, it kind of reveals existing

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dysfunction or existing, power imbalances.

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Just very complex, nuanced things

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that have existed for a long time.

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It's all people in this dynamic know, like

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say a new husband and his mom, they've

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been in this dynamic, his whole life.

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it's all he's known, but then his wife

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comes into the picture and it kind

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of challenges that relationship and.

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It shouldn't, in healthy

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families, it doesn't.

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It's a, new daughter-in-law, for

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example, is a welcome addition.

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things are already set up to

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be successful, again, in these

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dysfunctional dynamics when things go

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awry, when a new person's introduced.

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Yeah.

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And I find, and not to

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group some, I should say.

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Right.

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I find a lot of times in the stories,

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I feel like the husband or the

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partner, the male partner I should

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say, in heterosexual relationships.

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Yeah.

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Seems to be very, I don't wanna say

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docile, but he seems to be like passive.

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Yeah.

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Like more passive.

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we don't hear a lot of him in the story.

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It's more of like, he's go with the flow.

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And so like, I think it's.

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He grows up, he's good with

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the flow, he pleases, you know,

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he is good to his parents.

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And then if there's someone comes

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in and she's maybe a little more

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strong headed or she's not afraid

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to like stand up for herself, I find

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that's when there's usually like a.

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Some that's, there's buffer contention.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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are you saying, between

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her and his family or, yes.

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yeah, if the mom's kinda used to,

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the sun being very like, go with the

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flow and, I just find a kind common

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theme, like when I have people on

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here and we react to these stories,

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they're like, where's the partner?

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Where's the fiance?

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You know, you hear like, this

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bride rides in and she's like, this

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happened, or like, the mother-in-law

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cornered me or she yelled at me and

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they're like, where's the fiance?

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And it's kind of no position.

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And that is the question that

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is the question I asked too.

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Because he's not necessarily in

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the middle, but he is the link

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between her and his family.

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I did a video where I drew this kind of

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in a, not a di, it's called a genogram,

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where you just kind of draw it and

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there's the parents up top, the son below

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them, and then she's to the side of him.

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You know, like she's not another child

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of his parents and they're not totally

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separate so roles are very important.

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The concept of roles.

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And that is the question is

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what is the fiance doing here?

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What is this dynamic?

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There's a lot of reasons, you know, if

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you go a little deeper, there's a lot of

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reasons why he's that way, and that's kind

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of the dynamic shift that has to happen.

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He has to step into a different

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role and that I guess, a lot of

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men I think don't talk about that.

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General.

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Mm-hmm.

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So they just kind of are overwhelmed by

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these, women, these strong-willed women.

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And, women can get a really bad

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rap when the real core issue is a

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more passive fiance in that role.

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Mm-hmm.

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Yeah, definitely makes sense.

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So one of the biggest things we were

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talking about in wedding stories is

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like the overbearing mother-in-law,

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and it's funny 'cause a number of times

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I'll say like, it's a mother-in-law,

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people immediately are like, well the

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bride's mom is, can be this way too.

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And I'm like, well, mother-in-law could

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be either the groom or the bride's mom.

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It's just Oh yeah.

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Whoever's perspective uhhuh.

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But so many times people hear

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mother-in-law and they just

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assume, oh, it's the groom's mom.

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but I always like to reiterate that.

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Yeah.

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So why do you think things like

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planning a wedding, I'm sure

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it's like high stress levels, but

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Yeah.

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Bring out this controlling or kind

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of boundary pushing behavior on,

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the mother's part or parents' part.

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Yeah.

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Well I think what I have seen recently

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is there are very big generational

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differences in the concepts of weddings.

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I think in the past, mothers in-law

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and, grandmothers have planned the

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whole thing or, they've waited their

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whole lives to do this for their child.

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And the daughter, for example,

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hasn't been very involved.

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Everything's just been picked for

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her and it's just done for her.

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Mm-hmm.

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Whereas now I think

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brides wanna be the bride.

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They wanna make those decisions and for

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her parents to, not just be more in the

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passenger seat or the backseat and her

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not be in the passenger seat or backseat.

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So I think that's one part of it.

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And I think another part of it is that

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people have this idea of wedding planning

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being an amazing thing, and it's so much

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fun and it brings everyone together.

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It brings out the best in

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everyone, and that it's just

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not, it's just not the case.

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It's kind of one of the first big

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family events that happens after, you

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know, high school graduation, college,

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graduation or big family events.

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So it can just bring out

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everybody's stress responses.

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And people I don't think

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are prepared for that.

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There's a lot of management.

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There's It's a new stage for

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the fiances to come together on.

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That should be the point is to,

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this is kind of their first endeavor

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together where they're managing all

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these things because the development

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stage that they are in as a couple

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from the family life cycle point of

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view is leaving and cleaving from their

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families of origin to come together.

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So it's this like detachment

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phase and I think that's just

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really scary and unknown.

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there's in it for parents.

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And so it's just a whole

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thing that people aren't

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prepared

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for.

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Right.

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And it's so complicated.

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I'm sure you see it in

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your work all the time.

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'cause it's like definitely

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there's nothing that's black

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and white because Right.

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I have heard stories where.

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the mother-in-law has cried over

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an engagement, but yes, maybe

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the partner really was terrible

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to their son or daughter.

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so it's just that's their reaction.

276
00:08:44,867 --> 00:08:46,964
So I wanna make people know too,

277
00:08:46,964 --> 00:08:48,504
like, it's not always the parent

278
00:08:48,504 --> 00:08:50,041
that they can see things too.

279
00:08:50,041 --> 00:08:51,361
Like, okay, yeah, this person's

280
00:08:51,361 --> 00:08:52,957
terrible to my son or daughter.

281
00:08:52,957 --> 00:08:53,587
And they're scared.

282
00:08:53,647 --> 00:08:53,857
Yeah.

283
00:08:53,857 --> 00:08:54,037
And they're

284
00:08:54,037 --> 00:08:54,487
scared.

285
00:08:54,487 --> 00:08:55,537
Yeah, absolutely.

286
00:08:55,537 --> 00:08:57,414
So, it's definitely nuance.

287
00:08:57,414 --> 00:08:59,022
There's so many different, aspects of

288
00:08:59,022 --> 00:09:01,296
that, but for couples that are maybe

289
00:09:01,296 --> 00:09:04,209
going through a difficult relationship

290
00:09:04,209 --> 00:09:05,969
with, in-laws as they kind of move

291
00:09:05,969 --> 00:09:07,610
forward in the next stage, how did you

292
00:09:07,610 --> 00:09:09,680
recommend they set clear boundaries?

293
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,473
whether it's before the wedding or kind

294
00:09:11,473 --> 00:09:13,183
of moving into their new life together

295
00:09:13,357 --> 00:09:15,678
so that there's not like a total blow up.

296
00:09:15,938 --> 00:09:18,613
It's really tough, The stuff is so

297
00:09:18,613 --> 00:09:20,893
hard for people to do on their own.

298
00:09:21,132 --> 00:09:22,512
I think therapists could have a

299
00:09:22,512 --> 00:09:24,792
whole like sector and there might

300
00:09:24,792 --> 00:09:26,892
even be one of like engagement

301
00:09:26,892 --> 00:09:28,996
counseling or like wedding planning

302
00:09:28,996 --> 00:09:31,552
counseling because it's so stressful.

303
00:09:31,552 --> 00:09:33,322
There's so much to manage and it's

304
00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:36,809
really easy for people's stress responses

305
00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:39,726
and kind of lack of emotion regulation

306
00:09:39,726 --> 00:09:41,286
and all that stuff to come out.

307
00:09:41,446 --> 00:09:43,110
And there's so much pressure

308
00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:44,970
and expectations and

309
00:09:44,970 --> 00:09:46,897
personalities to manage that.

310
00:09:47,104 --> 00:09:49,224
I think first of all, meeting, like

311
00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:50,964
having a therapist, having a third

312
00:09:50,964 --> 00:09:53,474
party that is separate from the family.

313
00:09:53,587 --> 00:09:54,907
not necessarily a wedding

314
00:09:54,907 --> 00:09:55,657
planner 'cause they're not

315
00:09:55,657 --> 00:09:57,307
qualified to be doing this stuff.

316
00:09:57,307 --> 00:10:00,123
But like, just I think being on

317
00:10:00,123 --> 00:10:02,313
the same page is the most important

318
00:10:02,313 --> 00:10:03,933
thing in this process, I think.

319
00:10:03,933 --> 00:10:06,560
'cause from my experience too, people

320
00:10:06,650 --> 00:10:08,090
that have been married 10 years.

321
00:10:08,370 --> 00:10:10,996
Have trauma from their engagement

322
00:10:10,996 --> 00:10:12,556
and from their weddings with their

323
00:10:12,556 --> 00:10:13,936
in-laws, with their families.

324
00:10:14,172 --> 00:10:15,463
Just with one partner.

325
00:10:15,463 --> 00:10:16,483
Not stepping up.

326
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:17,533
Not stepping in, or one

327
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:18,763
person doing too much.

328
00:10:18,926 --> 00:10:22,436
it can magnify existing dynamic issues.

329
00:10:22,526 --> 00:10:25,117
And so getting married and having a

330
00:10:25,117 --> 00:10:27,037
wedding is not just about the wedding,

331
00:10:27,037 --> 00:10:30,157
it's about starting a healthy dynamic.

332
00:10:30,382 --> 00:10:31,356
and kind of fixing things.

333
00:10:31,356 --> 00:10:33,214
Maybe that, or just getting ahead

334
00:10:33,214 --> 00:10:35,164
of things that you don't foresee, or

335
00:10:35,164 --> 00:10:37,084
just having someone guide you, I think

336
00:10:37,271 --> 00:10:39,079
takes a lot of pressure off figuring

337
00:10:39,079 --> 00:10:41,719
all of that out yourself, so, right.

338
00:10:42,053 --> 00:10:42,385
Yeah.

339
00:10:42,385 --> 00:10:43,885
Because I think a lot of couples

340
00:10:43,885 --> 00:10:45,145
see it as like, oh, it's this

341
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,095
big party, it's gonna be easy.

342
00:10:47,359 --> 00:10:49,132
They don't think about finances

343
00:10:49,132 --> 00:10:50,745
like putting together this big

344
00:10:50,745 --> 00:10:52,425
party where it's like, yes, it's

345
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:54,682
not unlimited money, first of all.

346
00:10:54,682 --> 00:10:54,742
Yeah.

347
00:10:54,742 --> 00:10:56,302
It's like your first time maybe like

348
00:10:56,362 --> 00:10:58,432
putting money together for something big

349
00:10:58,432 --> 00:11:00,992
or having people that are very opinionated

350
00:11:00,992 --> 00:11:02,612
from different sides coming together

351
00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:04,378
and that can be a stressor and mm-hmm.

352
00:11:04,788 --> 00:11:04,848
Yeah.

353
00:11:04,848 --> 00:11:06,078
Hearing a lot of these stories, I'm

354
00:11:06,078 --> 00:11:07,908
like, I feel so grateful that our

355
00:11:07,908 --> 00:11:10,122
families just got along well and like,

356
00:11:10,324 --> 00:11:11,788
I get along with my mother-in-law.

357
00:11:11,788 --> 00:11:12,148
Great.

358
00:11:12,148 --> 00:11:14,692
And so it's just, difficult when, These

359
00:11:14,692 --> 00:11:16,342
relationships kind of come together

360
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:18,202
and it's like, okay, you can't make

361
00:11:18,202 --> 00:11:19,702
everybody happy, but how do we do the

362
00:11:19,702 --> 00:11:21,879
best at keeping as much peace as we can.

363
00:11:22,126 --> 00:11:22,472
Yeah.

364
00:11:22,732 --> 00:11:24,362
your perspective too, it's like how

365
00:11:24,362 --> 00:11:27,029
much is keeping the piece too much like,

366
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:28,542
when are you bending over backwards

367
00:11:28,542 --> 00:11:29,022
too much?

368
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:29,772
Exactly.

369
00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:31,542
Like when is it no longer about you?

370
00:11:31,542 --> 00:11:31,632
Mm-hmm.

371
00:11:32,385 --> 00:11:34,343
And I think that is what can be really

372
00:11:34,343 --> 00:11:36,863
sad in these situations is like.

373
00:11:37,121 --> 00:11:39,168
if a bride, for example, is used

374
00:11:39,168 --> 00:11:40,638
to keeping the peace, but then

375
00:11:40,638 --> 00:11:41,928
for her wedding, she actually

376
00:11:41,928 --> 00:11:43,728
has all these ideas that she's

377
00:11:43,728 --> 00:11:45,828
wanted and she's used to caving.

378
00:11:45,828 --> 00:11:47,844
And unfortunately, this is the one

379
00:11:47,844 --> 00:11:49,764
situation where like she's shaking

380
00:11:49,764 --> 00:11:51,744
things up and it causes problems.

381
00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:53,574
You know, all her worst fears can

382
00:11:53,574 --> 00:11:55,254
come true in these situations.

383
00:11:55,471 --> 00:11:58,891
so I am of the advocate of a

384
00:11:58,891 --> 00:12:01,851
wedding planner, a therapist, your

385
00:12:01,851 --> 00:12:03,951
bridesmaids, your groomsmen, everyone

386
00:12:03,951 --> 00:12:06,181
like supporting you, enlisting

387
00:12:06,181 --> 00:12:08,011
all the emotional support you can.

388
00:12:08,263 --> 00:12:09,323
it's really tough.

389
00:12:09,516 --> 00:12:11,256
I won't say like make or break something,

390
00:12:11,256 --> 00:12:12,696
but I think it's just important to

391
00:12:12,696 --> 00:12:16,369
start off, on a good foot with your

392
00:12:16,429 --> 00:12:18,329
in-laws and with your own family.

393
00:12:18,593 --> 00:12:20,423
It can just set the tone for things.

394
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:20,633
Yeah.

395
00:12:20,693 --> 00:12:22,163
Or it can be something to come back from.

396
00:12:22,163 --> 00:12:23,286
And that's just sucks.

397
00:12:23,291 --> 00:12:23,611
That sucks.

398
00:12:23,611 --> 00:12:23,706
Oh, for sure.

399
00:12:24,156 --> 00:12:24,426
Yeah.

400
00:12:24,426 --> 00:12:26,943
If you have a bad wedding experience,

401
00:12:26,973 --> 00:12:29,103
it can carry with you forever.

402
00:12:29,103 --> 00:12:29,193
Mm-hmm.

403
00:12:29,493 --> 00:12:30,222
I mean, some of these stories

404
00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:32,063
that were sent to me happened

405
00:12:32,063 --> 00:12:34,853
20, 30, some 40, 50 years ago.

406
00:12:35,066 --> 00:12:35,907
Yeah.

407
00:12:35,907 --> 00:12:36,567
On things.

408
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:37,467
They'll send me messages

409
00:12:37,467 --> 00:12:39,090
and be like, this happened.

410
00:12:39,090 --> 00:12:40,710
It was like, I don't know, whatever.

411
00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:42,780
It was like a cake was changed last

412
00:12:42,780 --> 00:12:44,070
minute and it was something that they

413
00:12:44,070 --> 00:12:45,427
couldn't eat or, whatever it was.

414
00:12:45,427 --> 00:12:47,613
Or flowers were changed or she was

415
00:12:47,613 --> 00:12:48,903
told she looked fat in her dress.

416
00:12:48,963 --> 00:12:50,433
You know, like there's been so many crazy

417
00:12:50,433 --> 00:12:51,213
things that were sent to me and they're

418
00:12:51,213 --> 00:12:52,923
like, I still remember it and I remember

419
00:12:52,923 --> 00:12:55,143
how I felt and, if someone put them down.

420
00:12:55,143 --> 00:12:57,393
And so I feel like if you start on the,

421
00:12:57,513 --> 00:12:58,983
having that middle ground, like what

422
00:12:58,983 --> 00:13:00,593
you're talking about, and it's funny that

423
00:13:00,593 --> 00:13:02,183
you bring up wedding planner 'cause I had

424
00:13:02,183 --> 00:13:04,207
a wedding planner on once and she's like,

425
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:06,127
I feel like half the time I'm a therapist.

426
00:13:06,127 --> 00:13:06,517
Yeah.

427
00:13:06,547 --> 00:13:07,117
Literally.

428
00:13:07,117 --> 00:13:08,377
She, she should go to school.

429
00:13:10,313 --> 00:13:13,293
No, actually they are a buffer I

430
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,063
think they're really valuable 'cause

431
00:13:15,063 --> 00:13:16,573
they have to advocate, their job

432
00:13:16,573 --> 00:13:18,590
is what  the bride and groom want.

433
00:13:18,806 --> 00:13:20,175
And so I think they can be A really

434
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:23,072
healthy addition to the planning crew.

435
00:13:23,352 --> 00:13:23,682
yeah.

436
00:13:24,042 --> 00:13:24,192
Mm-hmm.

437
00:13:24,432 --> 00:13:25,062
Oh my gosh.

438
00:13:25,334 --> 00:13:25,612
Okay.

439
00:13:25,612 --> 00:13:27,522
So I thought we would kind of

440
00:13:27,522 --> 00:13:28,902
switch things up a little bit.

441
00:13:29,144 --> 00:13:29,478
Yeah.

442
00:13:29,628 --> 00:13:31,968
Put together some rapid fire

443
00:13:32,174 --> 00:13:33,348
if you're okay with this.

444
00:13:33,348 --> 00:13:33,858
Yeah.

445
00:13:34,025 --> 00:13:36,426
the options are red flag or normal stress.

446
00:13:36,426 --> 00:13:37,506
And if you wanna add a

447
00:13:37,506 --> 00:13:39,456
little bit to it, feel free.

448
00:13:39,699 --> 00:13:40,468
I don't wanna like put you in a

449
00:13:40,468 --> 00:13:41,458
corner or make you say something

450
00:13:41,458 --> 00:13:42,238
that you don't wanna say either.

451
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:44,371
So, they're just different like scenarios.

452
00:13:44,371 --> 00:13:45,631
And then just say if it's a red flag

453
00:13:45,631 --> 00:13:47,341
or normal stress around what, okay.

454
00:13:47,654 --> 00:13:48,044
Okay.

455
00:13:48,258 --> 00:13:49,758
One partner says, let's

456
00:13:49,758 --> 00:13:51,048
just do what my mom wants.

457
00:13:51,048 --> 00:13:52,338
It's easier that way.

458
00:13:52,651 --> 00:13:53,294
Red flag.

459
00:13:53,588 --> 00:13:55,118
the couple hasn't had a single

460
00:13:55,118 --> 00:13:56,588
conversation about how they'll

461
00:13:56,588 --> 00:13:58,358
split finances after the wedding.

462
00:13:58,478 --> 00:13:58,898
Ooh.

463
00:13:58,898 --> 00:14:00,158
Major red flag.

464
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:01,028
Yeah.

465
00:14:01,148 --> 00:14:01,851
That's tough.

466
00:14:02,244 --> 00:14:02,474
Yeah.

467
00:14:02,474 --> 00:14:04,874
I feel like that comes up a lot with

468
00:14:04,874 --> 00:14:07,181
stories too, where it's like, this is the

469
00:14:07,181 --> 00:14:09,761
first big event and then sometimes they

470
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:11,681
expect their parents to pay for everything

471
00:14:11,681 --> 00:14:13,574
and then they go to the next stage and

472
00:14:13,574 --> 00:14:15,438
it's like, but then I didn't realize like.

473
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,654
This happened, or we can't afford this,

474
00:14:18,654 --> 00:14:20,934
or they've never discussed it before.

475
00:14:20,964 --> 00:14:22,408
No, it's tough because you're, you

476
00:14:22,408 --> 00:14:24,988
have these huge decisions that like

477
00:14:24,988 --> 00:14:28,576
only 10 year married couples have the

478
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,946
foundation to make, and you're making them

479
00:14:30,946 --> 00:14:34,176
immediately upon this huge commitment.

480
00:14:34,426 --> 00:14:35,072
That's just tough.

481
00:14:35,102 --> 00:14:36,602
And so those conversations

482
00:14:36,602 --> 00:14:38,192
in general are so important.

483
00:14:38,282 --> 00:14:38,612
Yeah.

484
00:14:38,732 --> 00:14:39,362
Yes.

485
00:14:39,686 --> 00:14:39,896
okay.

486
00:14:39,926 --> 00:14:41,936
The bride's mom says this wedding

487
00:14:41,936 --> 00:14:44,576
is as much mine as it is yours.

488
00:14:44,792 --> 00:14:45,279
Oh.

489
00:14:45,279 --> 00:14:46,719
I mean, I think that's normal.

490
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,779
I think that comes up so much probably.

491
00:14:49,999 --> 00:14:50,419
but yeah.

492
00:14:50,449 --> 00:14:52,299
Or for the bride, that's sad.

493
00:14:52,449 --> 00:14:52,719
That's a

494
00:14:52,719 --> 00:14:53,289
red flag.

495
00:14:53,499 --> 00:14:53,919
Yeah.

496
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,309
one partner wants kids someday

497
00:14:56,309 --> 00:14:58,259
the other doesn't, but they say

498
00:14:58,259 --> 00:14:59,579
they'll figure it out later.

499
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,096
That's a major red flag.

500
00:15:01,096 --> 00:15:02,356
That's not, yeah.

501
00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:04,947
I see that happen so many times.

502
00:15:04,977 --> 00:15:06,402
Really, I've seen it.

503
00:15:06,402 --> 00:15:08,043
I, not a ton in stories, but I've just

504
00:15:08,043 --> 00:15:10,283
seen it like, stories like people posted

505
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:12,110
like either eventually one changes

506
00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:14,428
their mind and then they, one wants kids

507
00:15:14,428 --> 00:15:16,378
when they both didn't want kids before.

508
00:15:16,378 --> 00:15:18,148
And I'm sure that just like sometimes

509
00:15:18,148 --> 00:15:19,935
happens, but I feel like that was like

510
00:15:19,935 --> 00:15:21,135
one of the biggest things my husband

511
00:15:21,135 --> 00:15:22,155
and I talked about before, getting

512
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:23,625
married to make sure, yeah, of course,

513
00:15:23,685 --> 00:15:23,985
age.

514
00:15:24,075 --> 00:15:25,815
Well that's a compatibility issue.

515
00:15:25,815 --> 00:15:28,411
Like that's a fixed thing that's not a

516
00:15:28,411 --> 00:15:31,611
dynamic issue, that's a fixed thing and it

517
00:15:31,611 --> 00:15:34,671
can be just a symptom of something deeper.

518
00:15:34,671 --> 00:15:36,302
But the question is like, how

519
00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:38,252
do you resolve things that y'all

520
00:15:38,252 --> 00:15:40,342
are fixed on that are opposite?

521
00:15:40,536 --> 00:15:41,766
even religion, faith

522
00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:43,056
can be part of that too.

523
00:15:43,056 --> 00:15:45,156
Like that you're fixed on these things.

524
00:15:45,461 --> 00:15:45,681
And

525
00:15:45,701 --> 00:15:46,886
you just think you're gonna deal

526
00:15:46,886 --> 00:15:47,996
with it or it's gonna get better.

527
00:15:47,996 --> 00:15:48,911
And that's just, definitely

528
00:15:48,911 --> 00:15:50,261
something to handle on the front end.

529
00:15:50,529 --> 00:15:51,027
Yeah.

530
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:51,627
Yeah.

531
00:15:51,847 --> 00:15:53,917
the groom refuses to go to premarital

532
00:15:53,917 --> 00:15:55,894
counseling and says it's a waste of time.

533
00:15:56,181 --> 00:15:56,757
that's tough.

534
00:15:56,941 --> 00:15:59,123
me, I'm like, red flag, red flag.

535
00:15:59,283 --> 00:16:01,679
I think that's probably very normal.

536
00:16:01,679 --> 00:16:02,154
I don't know.

537
00:16:02,154 --> 00:16:02,364
Yeah.

538
00:16:02,364 --> 00:16:04,051
I think not being open to counseling

539
00:16:04,051 --> 00:16:06,174
is a very much a red flag.

540
00:16:06,410 --> 00:16:06,671
Yeah.

541
00:16:06,671 --> 00:16:08,814
And I mean, I feel like if they're

542
00:16:08,814 --> 00:16:10,614
having, and you might know this better

543
00:16:10,764 --> 00:16:13,034
from your, your profession than Yeah.

544
00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:14,697
Me just, no, it's okay.

545
00:16:14,959 --> 00:16:16,811
But if they're having the kind of

546
00:16:16,811 --> 00:16:18,581
issues where counseling would come

547
00:16:18,581 --> 00:16:20,387
up before and then she brings it

548
00:16:20,387 --> 00:16:23,047
up and he's like, no, to jump in

549
00:16:23,287 --> 00:16:25,147
knowing they might need some kind of.

550
00:16:25,457 --> 00:16:25,922
Yeah,

551
00:16:26,281 --> 00:16:26,761
exactly.

552
00:16:26,791 --> 00:16:28,531
I mean, it's like if y'all can talk about

553
00:16:28,531 --> 00:16:30,481
anything and you resolve problems, then

554
00:16:30,481 --> 00:16:32,761
saying no to counseling is like, okay.

555
00:16:32,761 --> 00:16:33,901
I mean, 'cause we don't need it to

556
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,341
solve problems, but if it's just like,

557
00:16:35,548 --> 00:16:37,254
no, because I don't wanna talk about

558
00:16:37,254 --> 00:16:39,651
anything and I don't want outside

559
00:16:39,651 --> 00:16:41,431
guidance, that's the red flag of it.

560
00:16:41,551 --> 00:16:43,378
Yeah, yeah, The couple always

561
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:45,148
avoids hard conversations by

562
00:16:45,148 --> 00:16:46,948
joking or changing the subject.

563
00:16:47,471 --> 00:16:48,791
see, these are tough because

564
00:16:48,791 --> 00:16:51,118
that seems so, that's so normal.

565
00:16:51,118 --> 00:16:52,768
I think for early on in

566
00:16:52,768 --> 00:16:54,088
relationships, people don't really

567
00:16:54,088 --> 00:16:55,828
know how to deal with stuff.

568
00:16:55,828 --> 00:16:56,848
So I think that's normal.

569
00:16:56,848 --> 00:16:58,318
I think that that is definitely

570
00:16:58,538 --> 00:17:00,791
gonna come out in their marriage,

571
00:17:00,791 --> 00:17:02,651
that's gonna be magnified by it.

572
00:17:02,878 --> 00:17:05,068
yeah, that's not an unfixable issue

573
00:17:05,098 --> 00:17:06,688
that I would say that's very normal,

574
00:17:06,688 --> 00:17:08,758
but it's definitely not good.

575
00:17:08,763 --> 00:17:08,933
Yeah.

576
00:17:09,658 --> 00:17:09,958
Yeah.

577
00:17:09,958 --> 00:17:10,828
I feel like you can.

578
00:17:11,094 --> 00:17:12,838
Only joke so long before, like,

579
00:17:13,078 --> 00:17:15,148
something's gonna be hard, like curious.

580
00:17:15,148 --> 00:17:15,598
And you have, well,

581
00:17:16,138 --> 00:17:17,188
there, there's something called,

582
00:17:17,438 --> 00:17:19,718
I mean, just to be all nerdy real

583
00:17:19,718 --> 00:17:20,558
quick, there's something called

584
00:17:20,558 --> 00:17:23,408
pseudo hostility, like fake hostility.

585
00:17:23,408 --> 00:17:24,278
It's like, that's what you're

586
00:17:24,278 --> 00:17:25,708
talking about, the joking.

587
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:29,048
And it is an indicator of suppressed

588
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,998
emotion and an inability to really

589
00:17:30,998 --> 00:17:33,728
resolve conflict and be vulnerable.

590
00:17:33,941 --> 00:17:36,414
So it's like a really unhealthy

591
00:17:36,566 --> 00:17:38,788
dynamic or like, behavior in

592
00:17:38,788 --> 00:17:41,038
general and it's found in families.

593
00:17:41,038 --> 00:17:42,768
That's where the term came from.

594
00:17:42,991 --> 00:17:46,012
so it's joking about real problems as

595
00:17:46,012 --> 00:17:48,095
an indicator of that, but again, it's,

596
00:17:48,219 --> 00:17:50,559
something that's very fixable with a

597
00:17:50,709 --> 00:17:52,839
therapist or with just, this podcast.

598
00:17:53,375 --> 00:17:55,089
yeah, just chatting about it.

599
00:17:55,327 --> 00:17:56,255
Yeah, because I feel like I've

600
00:17:56,255 --> 00:17:57,965
known people before that are just

601
00:17:57,965 --> 00:17:59,322
very, like, that's like their

602
00:17:59,322 --> 00:18:01,392
personality is like the comic relief.

603
00:18:01,392 --> 00:18:02,352
So it's like even when things

604
00:18:02,352 --> 00:18:03,892
are like serious, they like

605
00:18:03,892 --> 00:18:04,912
wanna throw a little like.

606
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,229
Comic in there.

607
00:18:06,447 --> 00:18:06,982
Yeah.

608
00:18:06,982 --> 00:18:08,822
And that's how comedians are born.

609
00:18:10,852 --> 00:18:11,992
a lot of, like, when you hear

610
00:18:11,999 --> 00:18:13,475
deeper stories about comedians,

611
00:18:13,552 --> 00:18:14,455
a lot of times they just have

612
00:18:14,455 --> 00:18:15,895
to laugh to get through things,

613
00:18:15,925 --> 00:18:16,585
literally.

614
00:18:16,585 --> 00:18:16,885
Yeah.

615
00:18:16,885 --> 00:18:18,760
And I mean, it's not an unhealthy

616
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,020
thing when you can do that.

617
00:18:20,020 --> 00:18:21,940
But if you only can do that and you

618
00:18:21,940 --> 00:18:23,740
can't be vulnerable and you can't

619
00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:25,000
talk about your feelings and you

620
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,927
can't receive criticism, for example,

621
00:18:27,927 --> 00:18:30,073
then that's when it becomes an issue.

622
00:18:30,073 --> 00:18:31,903
And that's when that term applies.

623
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,373
It's not just about joking

624
00:18:33,373 --> 00:18:35,260
and being funny, or even

625
00:18:35,260 --> 00:18:36,700
lightening the mood sometimes.

626
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,530
But if you can only do that when

627
00:18:38,530 --> 00:18:39,498
it's tense, you think about.

628
00:18:39,922 --> 00:18:41,525
People that like bust out laughing

629
00:18:41,525 --> 00:18:42,875
at like funerals and stuff.

630
00:18:43,127 --> 00:18:44,668
it's like their Trauma response.

631
00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:45,308
Yeah.

632
00:18:45,465 --> 00:18:46,815
It's just those things

633
00:18:46,815 --> 00:18:48,675
just invite curiosity.

634
00:18:48,675 --> 00:18:50,415
It's not to like pathologize

635
00:18:50,415 --> 00:18:52,168
people or to say, if you do this,

636
00:18:52,168 --> 00:18:53,158
there's something wrong with you.

637
00:18:53,158 --> 00:18:54,965
It's just an indicator of like,

638
00:18:54,965 --> 00:18:56,765
something to be curious about if

639
00:18:56,765 --> 00:18:58,655
you're having issues in relationships

640
00:18:58,655 --> 00:19:00,558
or, if this is a, pattern for you.

641
00:19:00,842 --> 00:19:01,728
Interesting.

642
00:19:01,758 --> 00:19:02,028
Wow.

643
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:02,958
I'm learning so much.

644
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:04,128
Oh, okay.

645
00:19:04,682 --> 00:19:06,362
a partner deletes texts from

646
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:07,772
a parent they know that the

647
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,272
other wouldn't approve of, oh

648
00:19:11,188 --> 00:19:12,755
man, these are so hard.

649
00:19:12,755 --> 00:19:14,525
'cause they seem very normal.

650
00:19:14,605 --> 00:19:15,778
the person would be trying

651
00:19:15,778 --> 00:19:17,038
to protect their partner.

652
00:19:17,038 --> 00:19:18,812
I think people do this with good

653
00:19:18,812 --> 00:19:21,265
intention, but at the same time, I think

654
00:19:21,325 --> 00:19:23,605
that's not a good habit to get into.

655
00:19:23,822 --> 00:19:25,060
In a marriage.

656
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:26,440
So that's a red flag.

657
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:26,740
Yeah.

658
00:19:26,770 --> 00:19:28,743
'cause for someone like that, like if

659
00:19:28,743 --> 00:19:31,160
someone's deleting texts, that means

660
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,447
in some way and you can't control

661
00:19:33,447 --> 00:19:34,887
the other, what the parent does, but

662
00:19:34,887 --> 00:19:36,177
in some way they're allowing them to

663
00:19:36,177 --> 00:19:38,457
talk negatively about their partner.

664
00:19:38,457 --> 00:19:38,907
Right.

665
00:19:38,912 --> 00:19:39,002
Right.

666
00:19:39,202 --> 00:19:40,467
Or they're not setting us clear

667
00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:41,607
boundary of like, Hey, if you

668
00:19:41,607 --> 00:19:43,290
talked that way, we're done.

669
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:43,740
Yeah.

670
00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:44,460
Or we're gonna limit.

671
00:19:44,730 --> 00:19:45,510
Yeah.

672
00:19:45,712 --> 00:19:46,633
No, a hundred percent.

673
00:19:46,693 --> 00:19:47,323
That's right.

674
00:19:47,323 --> 00:19:48,943
But I also, on the other side of the

675
00:19:48,943 --> 00:19:51,210
spectrum, I have, in my experience

676
00:19:51,210 --> 00:19:53,190
with people, there's been way too much

677
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:56,130
transparency and their partner is like

678
00:19:56,130 --> 00:19:58,920
scarred for life by what the parents said.

679
00:19:58,920 --> 00:19:59,280
Yeah.

680
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,540
So there is like.

681
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,070
Transparency isn't necessarily,

682
00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:05,807
you know, there's nuance here.

683
00:20:05,807 --> 00:20:07,457
It just depends on what they're

684
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,743
saying, but yeah, I think the general,

685
00:20:09,743 --> 00:20:12,053
like the habit of deleting texts is

686
00:20:12,053 --> 00:20:15,173
sketchy and is definitely a red flag.

687
00:20:15,387 --> 00:20:15,477
Mm-hmm.

688
00:20:15,717 --> 00:20:17,097
In a relationship in general.

689
00:20:17,296 --> 00:20:17,870
Yeah.

690
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:18,680
That's interesting.

691
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:18,920
Yeah.

692
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,080
You say that I know.

693
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:21,853
I'm thinking about that now because,

694
00:20:21,993 --> 00:20:24,033
there was a story that a girl sent

695
00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:26,147
me, and this was not about a mean

696
00:20:26,147 --> 00:20:28,697
text necessarily, and actually podcast

697
00:20:28,697 --> 00:20:30,316
and she talked about it, but Oh,

698
00:20:30,505 --> 00:20:32,865
mother-in-law, yeah, she was anonymous.

699
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:33,705
She turned the camera off.

700
00:20:33,705 --> 00:20:35,675
Uh, so we reacted to her story and then

701
00:20:35,675 --> 00:20:37,025
she was like, maybe we'll have a part two

702
00:20:37,025 --> 00:20:38,705
because I'm going dress shopping with her.

703
00:20:38,940 --> 00:20:40,211
And so I had her come on and kind of

704
00:20:40,211 --> 00:20:42,148
share what happened, but basically she

705
00:20:42,148 --> 00:20:44,821
was demanding to know the location of

706
00:20:44,821 --> 00:20:46,022
their wedding venue, and this was like.

707
00:20:46,430 --> 00:20:47,558
Far from where they lived.

708
00:20:47,558 --> 00:20:48,278
They haven't actually

709
00:20:48,278 --> 00:20:49,718
seen it personally yet.

710
00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:50,441
She's like, well, I just

711
00:20:50,441 --> 00:20:51,371
wanna drive by and go see it.

712
00:20:51,371 --> 00:20:51,821
And they're like, it's a

713
00:20:51,821 --> 00:20:53,351
private property, you can't.

714
00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:55,088
And she's like, we sent you the

715
00:20:55,148 --> 00:20:56,948
location so you can kinda see pictures.

716
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,518
And she goes, well, I delete texts.

717
00:20:59,764 --> 00:21:01,438
And she like went to this whole thing

718
00:21:01,438 --> 00:21:04,001
about how I delete texts, just tell me

719
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:06,671
the address so I can show up and go.

720
00:21:06,877 --> 00:21:08,561
And she kept pushing, pushing.

721
00:21:08,804 --> 00:21:10,318
It was like a long, crazy story,

722
00:21:10,318 --> 00:21:11,338
but she ended up like cornering

723
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:12,808
her in the kitchen and was like,

724
00:21:13,062 --> 00:21:14,834
yeah, it was this crazy thing.

725
00:21:14,834 --> 00:21:16,304
It's still ongoing, like they

726
00:21:16,304 --> 00:21:17,654
haven't gotten married yet, but,

727
00:21:17,948 --> 00:21:19,418
oh my goodness.

728
00:21:19,448 --> 00:21:19,928
Yeah.

729
00:21:19,958 --> 00:21:21,248
And so the delete texted made

730
00:21:21,248 --> 00:21:22,598
me think of that conversation

731
00:21:22,598 --> 00:21:24,391
because she just said like.

732
00:21:24,642 --> 00:21:25,759
the mother would delete

733
00:21:25,759 --> 00:21:26,719
texts in her phones and then

734
00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:28,339
claim not to have it anymore.

735
00:21:28,339 --> 00:21:29,809
Claim to not know that

736
00:21:29,809 --> 00:21:31,549
because the text was gone.

737
00:21:31,802 --> 00:21:32,552
That's weird.

738
00:21:32,852 --> 00:21:34,292
Never heard of anything like that.

739
00:21:34,352 --> 00:21:34,532
I know.

740
00:21:34,532 --> 00:21:35,609
I was like, does she work for the

741
00:21:35,609 --> 00:21:36,239
FBI?

742
00:21:36,239 --> 00:21:36,419
Why?

743
00:21:36,419 --> 00:21:36,599
Yeah.

744
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:37,229
Seriously.

745
00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:38,489
Is she a CIA agent?

746
00:21:38,919 --> 00:21:39,219
Yeah.

747
00:21:39,219 --> 00:21:39,669
So that was, wow.

748
00:21:40,209 --> 00:21:41,079
Interesting.

749
00:21:41,319 --> 00:21:41,739
Yeah.

750
00:21:41,980 --> 00:21:44,219
But that was one where, on her episode

751
00:21:44,219 --> 00:21:45,662
where she came on, she she went

752
00:21:45,662 --> 00:21:46,802
through a lot of therapy herself.

753
00:21:46,802 --> 00:21:48,059
So like they did a good job

754
00:21:48,059 --> 00:21:49,496
of keeping up with boundaries.

755
00:21:49,712 --> 00:21:51,276
And it was where her husband just

756
00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:52,886
had a hard time of like standing

757
00:21:52,886 --> 00:21:54,536
up to his mom because I bet.

758
00:21:54,626 --> 00:21:56,456
And so used to like running the household

759
00:21:56,456 --> 00:21:59,326
and now this new strong female voice

760
00:21:59,326 --> 00:22:01,036
comes in and she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

761
00:22:01,212 --> 00:22:03,462
I've never been told no before, so, yeah.

762
00:22:03,522 --> 00:22:04,002
Yeah.

763
00:22:04,002 --> 00:22:04,482
Right.

764
00:22:04,609 --> 00:22:05,599
that's a red flag.

765
00:22:05,599 --> 00:22:06,139
I'll say that.

766
00:22:06,177 --> 00:22:10,109
Like, moms not being used to their adult

767
00:22:10,109 --> 00:22:11,939
children telling them no about things.

768
00:22:11,939 --> 00:22:14,119
That's a red flag for Yeah.

769
00:22:14,149 --> 00:22:15,919
Like when you're, if you're a fiance,

770
00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:17,686
you're looking at your partner and their

771
00:22:17,686 --> 00:22:20,202
parent, and that's the dynamic you see.

772
00:22:20,492 --> 00:22:23,942
those are scary waters to enter into.

773
00:22:23,992 --> 00:22:25,252
that's a scary situation.

774
00:22:25,252 --> 00:22:26,692
And I think their partners feel

775
00:22:26,692 --> 00:22:28,939
that, they like get that sense.

776
00:22:28,939 --> 00:22:30,549
And I think that brings out

777
00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:32,679
their own stress responses too.

778
00:22:32,791 --> 00:22:34,237
because there's a powerlessness

779
00:22:34,237 --> 00:22:35,887
that children feel even when

780
00:22:35,887 --> 00:22:37,396
they're adults with parents.

781
00:22:37,401 --> 00:22:37,741
Parents.

782
00:22:37,964 --> 00:22:39,894
And so that can just make them

783
00:22:39,894 --> 00:22:42,091
really scared and however they

784
00:22:42,121 --> 00:22:43,681
normally respond when they're scared.

785
00:22:43,681 --> 00:22:45,601
So maybe they over control or they.

786
00:22:45,846 --> 00:22:47,472
overcompensate in some ways.

787
00:22:47,472 --> 00:22:49,189
So it can just be tough.

788
00:22:49,407 --> 00:22:49,749
Yeah.

789
00:22:49,959 --> 00:22:50,529
Interesting.

790
00:22:50,529 --> 00:22:50,979
Wow.

791
00:22:51,009 --> 00:22:51,399
Okay.

792
00:22:55,965 --> 00:22:57,315
the bride says she doesn't

793
00:22:57,315 --> 00:22:58,575
want the groom sister in the

794
00:22:58,575 --> 00:23:00,285
wedding and won't explain why

795
00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:02,792
the bride says she doesn't want

796
00:23:02,822 --> 00:23:05,262
the groom sister in the wedding.

797
00:23:05,382 --> 00:23:05,502
Oh.

798
00:23:05,502 --> 00:23:06,732
And she won't explain why.

799
00:23:06,882 --> 00:23:07,152
Yeah.

800
00:23:07,432 --> 00:23:08,122
That's the part of it.

801
00:23:08,122 --> 00:23:09,142
That's the red flag.

802
00:23:09,362 --> 00:23:09,592
Yeah.

803
00:23:09,592 --> 00:23:10,252
They won't explain why.

804
00:23:10,252 --> 00:23:11,122
'cause I feel like you don't

805
00:23:11,122 --> 00:23:13,312
need to have your sibling or your

806
00:23:13,552 --> 00:23:14,692
partner's siblings in the wedding.

807
00:23:14,692 --> 00:23:15,652
I feel like that's a totally,

808
00:23:15,889 --> 00:23:16,849
there should be no pressure to

809
00:23:16,849 --> 00:23:18,139
have anybody in the wedding, but

810
00:23:18,335 --> 00:23:18,675
yeah.

811
00:23:18,765 --> 00:23:19,995
Why won't you explain why?

812
00:23:20,055 --> 00:23:21,285
Yeah, why don't you explain why,

813
00:23:21,515 --> 00:23:23,939
or like, why can't they just be, I

814
00:23:23,939 --> 00:23:25,778
love the idea if that's the case.

815
00:23:25,889 --> 00:23:27,419
if, say you're the bride and you

816
00:23:27,419 --> 00:23:29,802
don't want your groom's sister being a

817
00:23:29,802 --> 00:23:32,935
bridesmaid, but can she be a groomsman?

818
00:23:32,935 --> 00:23:33,355
I don't know.

819
00:23:33,355 --> 00:23:34,838
Do you have the ultimate set?

820
00:23:34,838 --> 00:23:35,708
You know, can't, is there

821
00:23:35,738 --> 00:23:36,668
some gray area here?

822
00:23:36,668 --> 00:23:36,818
Right.

823
00:23:36,818 --> 00:23:37,148
Like if

824
00:23:37,148 --> 00:23:37,868
he, I know.

825
00:23:37,868 --> 00:23:38,978
That's what I think is interesting

826
00:23:38,978 --> 00:23:40,628
too, is like, I mean, I had my.

827
00:23:40,871 --> 00:23:42,349
Husband's sister and

828
00:23:42,469 --> 00:23:43,699
sister-in-law on his side.

829
00:23:43,933 --> 00:23:45,103
sister-in-law on his side.

830
00:23:45,103 --> 00:23:45,913
I dunno if I said that right.

831
00:23:46,483 --> 00:23:47,713
But I mean, it's our sister-in-law,

832
00:23:47,713 --> 00:23:48,943
but in the wedding, 'cause

833
00:23:48,943 --> 00:23:50,143
I'm like close with them.

834
00:23:50,143 --> 00:23:50,203
Yeah.

835
00:23:50,378 --> 00:23:51,964
But like, we have my brother 'cause

836
00:23:51,964 --> 00:23:53,464
they're not super close or anything.

837
00:23:53,494 --> 00:23:53,884
Okay.

838
00:23:54,125 --> 00:23:55,227
But I've seen it always and

839
00:23:55,227 --> 00:23:56,367
that's like a weird thing.

840
00:23:56,367 --> 00:23:58,194
But like, I, I don't know.

841
00:23:58,487 --> 00:23:58,937
It's interesting.

842
00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:01,097
Well, I think this can be an issue.

843
00:24:01,097 --> 00:24:04,420
So say the groom's sister is

844
00:24:04,420 --> 00:24:06,250
rude to the bride or like they

845
00:24:06,250 --> 00:24:08,020
don't get along or whatever.

846
00:24:08,170 --> 00:24:09,970
And so the bride's just like, yeah.

847
00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:10,780
I mean, you're not gonna

848
00:24:10,780 --> 00:24:12,310
be in our wedding party.

849
00:24:12,477 --> 00:24:15,497
But I think that could also be like a

850
00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:17,460
situation where they can come together

851
00:24:17,490 --> 00:24:19,350
where it's like, Hey, I'm uncomfortable

852
00:24:19,350 --> 00:24:21,240
with her on my side of things, going on

853
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:22,740
my bachelorette or like, and standing

854
00:24:22,740 --> 00:24:25,300
up there, that feels inauthentic to me.

855
00:24:25,514 --> 00:24:27,524
she's your sister, you kind of get

856
00:24:27,524 --> 00:24:30,240
the say in what you want her to be in

857
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,344
our wedding and we can talk about it.

858
00:24:32,344 --> 00:24:34,234
And so do you want her to stand

859
00:24:34,234 --> 00:24:35,884
up with you in a black dress?

860
00:24:36,054 --> 00:24:38,094
is there something, if your parents are

861
00:24:38,094 --> 00:24:39,834
gonna be really upset and embarrassed

862
00:24:39,894 --> 00:24:42,437
by that, like is there something we can

863
00:24:42,437 --> 00:24:45,790
do to get everyone a win-win scenario?

864
00:24:46,062 --> 00:24:47,812
Because what's weird to me too is that

865
00:24:48,056 --> 00:24:50,742
she would have to explain to the groom

866
00:24:50,742 --> 00:24:52,885
almost like My thought is if the bride

867
00:24:52,885 --> 00:24:54,879
and sister didn't get along, the groom

868
00:24:54,879 --> 00:24:56,439
would already know that or know that

869
00:24:56,439 --> 00:24:58,209
there was some kind of weird tension.

870
00:24:58,209 --> 00:24:59,829
So like, let's figure it out together.

871
00:25:00,083 --> 00:25:01,595
But if let's say she secretly like

872
00:25:01,625 --> 00:25:03,935
hated the sister and was like, yeah,

873
00:25:03,935 --> 00:25:05,135
jealous of something, you know, whatever.

874
00:25:05,135 --> 00:25:06,779
Then like that's a red flag

875
00:25:06,779 --> 00:25:08,369
because it's like you're not openly

876
00:25:08,369 --> 00:25:09,479
communicating with your groom.

877
00:25:09,479 --> 00:25:11,706
Like, oh, the sister did this to me.

878
00:25:11,706 --> 00:25:11,976
That's

879
00:25:11,976 --> 00:25:13,356
the issue is like the

880
00:25:13,356 --> 00:25:15,243
not openly communicating.

881
00:25:15,363 --> 00:25:15,603
Yeah.

882
00:25:15,663 --> 00:25:16,083
Yeah.

883
00:25:16,347 --> 00:25:16,916
Interesting.

884
00:25:17,171 --> 00:25:17,456
Okay.

885
00:25:17,709 --> 00:25:18,729
This one's, there's two more.

886
00:25:19,017 --> 00:25:20,509
One person does all the wedding

887
00:25:20,509 --> 00:25:21,799
planning because the other

888
00:25:21,799 --> 00:25:23,479
partner says they don't care.

889
00:25:23,735 --> 00:25:25,109
Is that the most normal thing

890
00:25:25,109 --> 00:25:26,519
I've ever heard about this?

891
00:25:26,519 --> 00:25:27,419
Probably.

892
00:25:27,589 --> 00:25:28,759
but it's a red flag.

893
00:25:29,015 --> 00:25:30,695
I don't know, what do they not care about?

894
00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:32,075
Is that part of the dynamic?

895
00:25:32,075 --> 00:25:33,515
Do they not care in general?

896
00:25:33,515 --> 00:25:35,225
Are they like, I never care

897
00:25:35,225 --> 00:25:36,965
about what we eat, and so the

898
00:25:36,965 --> 00:25:38,615
other person's always responsible

899
00:25:38,615 --> 00:25:39,743
for figuring out what they eat.

900
00:25:39,829 --> 00:25:41,902
is this the dynamic or is this

901
00:25:41,902 --> 00:25:43,845
just like, oh I don't know, some,

902
00:25:43,845 --> 00:25:46,162
like, I don't wanna do girly stuff,

903
00:25:46,162 --> 00:25:47,842
or some stupid stuff like that.

904
00:25:47,842 --> 00:25:49,192
What's the deal about it?

905
00:25:49,252 --> 00:25:50,392
Yeah, because I feel like there's a big

906
00:25:50,392 --> 00:25:52,435
difference between like, oh honey, you're

907
00:25:52,435 --> 00:25:53,905
so good at this stuff, so I don't care.

908
00:25:53,905 --> 00:25:54,449
Like, do you like the

909
00:25:54,449 --> 00:25:55,589
pink or the green butter?

910
00:25:55,828 --> 00:25:57,208
or it's like, I don't care.

911
00:25:57,326 --> 00:25:58,016
the, yeah,

912
00:25:58,076 --> 00:25:59,066
how are they communicating

913
00:25:59,066 --> 00:26:00,056
it because exactly how

914
00:26:00,056 --> 00:26:01,586
are they communicating it?

915
00:26:01,849 --> 00:26:04,206
And all these things seem like

916
00:26:04,383 --> 00:26:06,270
places, things to explore.

917
00:26:06,370 --> 00:26:08,290
is this just this situation

918
00:26:08,290 --> 00:26:09,820
or is this in general?

919
00:26:09,996 --> 00:26:11,596
Or does this bother me?

920
00:26:11,596 --> 00:26:13,246
Does it bother me that they don't care?

921
00:26:13,246 --> 00:26:14,776
Or am I happy they don't care because

922
00:26:14,776 --> 00:26:16,156
I wanted to do it on my own anyway.

923
00:26:16,336 --> 00:26:18,010
You know, like how do you

924
00:26:18,010 --> 00:26:18,880
actually feel about it?

925
00:26:19,183 --> 00:26:19,650
Right.

926
00:26:19,836 --> 00:26:20,560
that's a great point.

927
00:26:20,696 --> 00:26:21,716
these are so nuanced.

928
00:26:21,946 --> 00:26:21,996
Yeah.

929
00:26:21,996 --> 00:26:23,676
Because I've seen relationships before

930
00:26:23,676 --> 00:26:26,443
where the bride is like such a big

931
00:26:26,443 --> 00:26:28,753
planner and so she was like, I got this.

932
00:26:28,753 --> 00:26:29,203
We're good.

933
00:26:29,383 --> 00:26:29,443
Yeah.

934
00:26:29,443 --> 00:26:31,243
And he kind of just was there if

935
00:26:31,243 --> 00:26:32,473
she needed him, but that's it.

936
00:26:32,473 --> 00:26:33,433
He was like, I don't care.

937
00:26:33,433 --> 00:26:35,246
Pick, I will walk in for a wedding.

938
00:26:35,246 --> 00:26:37,270
You want, but then I've seen others

939
00:26:37,270 --> 00:26:38,980
where like the bride was stressed

940
00:26:38,980 --> 00:26:41,350
beyond belief and he went a finger

941
00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:42,790
and you're like, that's where

942
00:26:42,790 --> 00:26:44,340
I'm like, it's your wedding too.

943
00:26:44,820 --> 00:26:45,330
Right.

944
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:46,516
but I think a lot of times there's those

945
00:26:46,516 --> 00:26:48,046
couples where they just assume like, oh,

946
00:26:48,046 --> 00:26:49,786
it's the woman's job to do all of it.

947
00:26:49,846 --> 00:26:50,326
Yes.

948
00:26:50,636 --> 00:26:50,876
But

949
00:26:51,135 --> 00:26:51,593
I don't know.

950
00:26:51,825 --> 00:26:53,503
And that's again, these things

951
00:26:53,503 --> 00:26:54,943
aren't like inherently bad, but it's

952
00:26:54,943 --> 00:26:56,563
like, how do you feel about them?

953
00:26:56,563 --> 00:26:58,273
Do you want them more involved?

954
00:26:58,360 --> 00:26:59,865
are there things you can do together?

955
00:27:00,079 --> 00:27:01,625
Are there things that they really do

956
00:27:01,625 --> 00:27:03,305
care about or do they just not know?

957
00:27:03,442 --> 00:27:05,075
I think a lot of the time people

958
00:27:05,075 --> 00:27:07,355
don't know what they don't know.

959
00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:09,292
And so you think you're not gonna care

960
00:27:09,292 --> 00:27:10,709
about something, but you really end up

961
00:27:10,709 --> 00:27:12,352
caring about the food, or you really

962
00:27:12,352 --> 00:27:14,544
end up caring about the transportation

963
00:27:14,544 --> 00:27:16,614
from the venue to the reception.

964
00:27:16,874 --> 00:27:17,234
yeah.

965
00:27:17,284 --> 00:27:18,874
is there an open mind there?

966
00:27:19,173 --> 00:27:21,679
For things to evolve as you learn more.

967
00:27:21,679 --> 00:27:23,369
Because I mean, when I planned my

968
00:27:23,369 --> 00:27:24,689
wedding, I didn't know anything.

969
00:27:24,866 --> 00:27:25,616
how are you supposed to know

970
00:27:25,616 --> 00:27:26,756
when you've never done it before?

971
00:27:26,846 --> 00:27:27,176
Exactly.

972
00:27:27,476 --> 00:27:27,896
So

973
00:27:27,926 --> 00:27:28,526
it's a lot.

974
00:27:28,526 --> 00:27:30,086
And I think people don't realize, like,

975
00:27:30,239 --> 00:27:31,969
especially their first time going through

976
00:27:31,969 --> 00:27:33,499
everything and seeing like what they

977
00:27:33,499 --> 00:27:35,059
have to do, they're just like, what?

978
00:27:35,336 --> 00:27:37,949
Yeah, there's so many decisions.

979
00:27:37,979 --> 00:27:38,309
Yeah.

980
00:27:38,314 --> 00:27:39,986
And so all the comparison with social

981
00:27:39,986 --> 00:27:42,086
media and all stuff, it's like you have to

982
00:27:42,086 --> 00:27:44,442
really shut out the noise of like, okay,

983
00:27:44,442 --> 00:27:47,379
do I want, a golden arch because they have

984
00:27:47,379 --> 00:27:49,539
it on Pinterest, or do I want one because

985
00:27:49,569 --> 00:27:52,102
it would look cool for us, like, you know.

986
00:27:52,102 --> 00:27:52,582
Exactly.

987
00:27:52,672 --> 00:27:53,602
Yeah, for sure.

988
00:27:53,950 --> 00:27:54,729
Okay, last one.

989
00:27:54,893 --> 00:27:56,739
A parent constantly criticizes their

990
00:27:56,739 --> 00:27:58,776
child's partner, but the partner just

991
00:27:58,776 --> 00:28:00,816
keeps the peace to avoid conflict.

992
00:28:00,936 --> 00:28:01,446
Yeah.

993
00:28:01,656 --> 00:28:02,976
Major red flag.

994
00:28:03,006 --> 00:28:05,196
First of all, why is a parent criticizing?

995
00:28:05,442 --> 00:28:07,632
I think things can be so backwards.

996
00:28:07,829 --> 00:28:09,179
parents should be there to be

997
00:28:09,179 --> 00:28:10,769
so supportive 'cause they know

998
00:28:10,769 --> 00:28:11,729
they've been through it and

999
00:28:11,729 --> 00:28:13,319
they know how stressful it is.

1000
00:28:13,602 --> 00:28:15,072
So it's just crazy to me in general

1001
00:28:15,072 --> 00:28:17,216
when parents are adding, they

1002
00:28:17,216 --> 00:28:19,016
add stress even though they know

1003
00:28:19,106 --> 00:28:20,306
they've been through it themselves.

1004
00:28:20,586 --> 00:28:22,116
so I think that's the red flag is

1005
00:28:22,116 --> 00:28:24,336
like parents criticizing in general.

1006
00:28:24,336 --> 00:28:25,626
That's definitely something

1007
00:28:25,626 --> 00:28:27,402
to have a boundary around.

1008
00:28:27,669 --> 00:28:29,526
what was the rest of the question?

1009
00:28:29,706 --> 00:28:30,711
the partner just keeps the

1010
00:28:30,711 --> 00:28:32,391
peace to avoid conflict.

1011
00:28:32,652 --> 00:28:33,071
Yeah.

1012
00:28:33,101 --> 00:28:33,881
And that's another thing.

1013
00:28:33,881 --> 00:28:34,991
Do they always do that?

1014
00:28:34,991 --> 00:28:36,131
Do they do that with you?

1015
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:37,331
Do they do that at work?

1016
00:28:37,331 --> 00:28:38,501
Do they do that with their friends?

1017
00:28:38,501 --> 00:28:40,271
Are they always avoiding conflict?

1018
00:28:40,271 --> 00:28:41,471
Because the thing about that

1019
00:28:41,471 --> 00:28:42,826
is that it comes out sideways.

1020
00:28:42,826 --> 00:28:44,912
it does eventually, people aren't

1021
00:28:44,912 --> 00:28:46,747
just doormats, you're human beings

1022
00:28:46,747 --> 00:28:49,033
and emotions, it's gonna come out.

1023
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:50,719
or is this a situational thing

1024
00:28:50,719 --> 00:28:51,439
where it's just like, you know,

1025
00:28:51,439 --> 00:28:52,579
let's just get through this wedding.

1026
00:28:52,841 --> 00:28:53,639
I don't even care.

1027
00:28:53,669 --> 00:28:54,899
Let's just get through this wedding.

1028
00:28:55,085 --> 00:28:55,259
Right.

1029
00:28:55,259 --> 00:28:56,129
That's one thing.

1030
00:28:56,148 --> 00:28:59,022
So, and it's okay to make mistakes.

1031
00:28:59,129 --> 00:29:00,959
things are not irreparable.

1032
00:29:01,009 --> 00:29:03,059
if you decide it's not the time to

1033
00:29:03,059 --> 00:29:04,792
deal with all these dynamics, then

1034
00:29:04,792 --> 00:29:06,382
just make it easy for yourself.

1035
00:29:06,569 --> 00:29:09,329
if you need to avoid it, do it, whatever.

1036
00:29:09,525 --> 00:29:10,572
I think just doing what

1037
00:29:10,572 --> 00:29:12,042
you need to do at the time

1038
00:29:12,284 --> 00:29:12,549
Yeah.

1039
00:29:12,549 --> 00:29:12,669
Is

1040
00:29:12,669 --> 00:29:14,324
how you leave these situations.

1041
00:29:14,412 --> 00:29:15,462
not traumatized.

1042
00:29:16,482 --> 00:29:16,632
Right.

1043
00:29:16,632 --> 00:29:16,842
When they're

1044
00:29:16,842 --> 00:29:17,322
tough.

1045
00:29:17,985 --> 00:29:19,030
I don't know how I would react to

1046
00:29:19,030 --> 00:29:20,110
something like that, but yeah, if it's

1047
00:29:20,110 --> 00:29:21,790
something like you live across the country

1048
00:29:21,790 --> 00:29:22,840
and you're only gonna see 'em for this

1049
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:25,254
one day and you talk to them, okay,

1050
00:29:25,254 --> 00:29:27,024
whatever, just like, we're like, whatever.

1051
00:29:27,084 --> 00:29:28,584
But if you see them a lot and they're

1052
00:29:28,584 --> 00:29:29,694
constantly putting your partner

1053
00:29:29,694 --> 00:29:31,717
down, like, let's, boundaries.

1054
00:29:31,978 --> 00:29:32,250
Yeah.

1055
00:29:32,250 --> 00:29:32,910
Boundaries.

1056
00:29:32,910 --> 00:29:33,916
Because know, if a parent's

1057
00:29:33,916 --> 00:29:36,466
criticizing their partner, that can

1058
00:29:36,466 --> 00:29:39,196
really make the kid feel undermined.

1059
00:29:39,196 --> 00:29:40,996
Like, Hey, you don't trust my decisions.

1060
00:29:40,996 --> 00:29:42,789
Like, I wanna hear your feedback, but

1061
00:29:42,841 --> 00:29:45,478
all I'm hearing about them is this, and

1062
00:29:45,478 --> 00:29:47,368
that's making me not trust your opinion

1063
00:29:47,368 --> 00:29:48,868
because they're both good and bad.

1064
00:29:48,868 --> 00:29:50,428
Like, they definitely have stuff, but

1065
00:29:50,598 --> 00:29:53,705
it feels reflective of me and what

1066
00:29:53,939 --> 00:29:55,615
you think about me and my decision.

1067
00:29:55,615 --> 00:29:57,171
So yeah, that can be something

1068
00:29:57,171 --> 00:29:58,401
important to communicate.

1069
00:29:58,401 --> 00:30:00,081
But again, if this isn't the time,

1070
00:30:00,081 --> 00:30:01,876
then don't just deal with it later.

1071
00:30:02,073 --> 00:30:02,469
Yeah.

1072
00:30:02,836 --> 00:30:03,304
All right.

1073
00:30:03,364 --> 00:30:05,554
Now let's get to everyone's favorite

1074
00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:07,210
part of these episodes, and that's

1075
00:30:07,210 --> 00:30:09,670
this week's story submission.

1076
00:30:09,730 --> 00:30:10,390
So here we go.

1077
00:30:10,420 --> 00:30:10,600
Okay.

1078
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:11,500
It's Blind React.

1079
00:30:11,500 --> 00:30:13,270
I've not read it, so, okay.

1080
00:30:13,690 --> 00:30:14,140
What we got.

1081
00:30:14,427 --> 00:30:14,717
Okay.

1082
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,009
You know how people say you don't need

1083
00:30:17,009 --> 00:30:18,907
a piece of paper to prove your love?

1084
00:30:19,130 --> 00:30:20,592
That was us until life

1085
00:30:20,592 --> 00:30:21,552
taught us otherwise.

1086
00:30:22,093 --> 00:30:24,174
We met in the mid nineties, in our

1087
00:30:24,174 --> 00:30:26,304
early twenties and clicked instantly.

1088
00:30:26,530 --> 00:30:27,887
Within a few months, we

1089
00:30:27,887 --> 00:30:28,787
were living together.

1090
00:30:29,224 --> 00:30:30,721
The next year we experienced a

1091
00:30:30,721 --> 00:30:33,008
miscarriage, and not long after

1092
00:30:33,008 --> 00:30:34,785
I was pregnant again, our Rainbow

1093
00:30:34,785 --> 00:30:36,705
baby was born the following spring.

1094
00:30:37,088 --> 00:30:38,309
By the end of that year, we

1095
00:30:38,309 --> 00:30:39,759
bought a house together, and

1096
00:30:39,759 --> 00:30:41,589
still we had no plans to marry.

1097
00:30:41,832 --> 00:30:43,432
We were anti traditional and didn't

1098
00:30:43,432 --> 00:30:45,172
think a marriage certificate mattered.

1099
00:30:45,402 --> 00:30:46,675
Then everything changed.

1100
00:30:47,107 --> 00:30:49,334
In the summer of 2000, my partner was

1101
00:30:49,334 --> 00:30:51,577
riding his motorcycle and was hit at

1102
00:30:51,577 --> 00:30:53,677
full speed while making a legal turn.

1103
00:30:53,917 --> 00:30:56,047
He suffered a traumatic brain injury

1104
00:30:56,047 --> 00:30:58,481
and was in a coma for three weeks.

1105
00:30:58,511 --> 00:30:59,141
Oh my gosh.

1106
00:30:59,404 --> 00:31:01,480
His helmet saved his life, but

1107
00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:03,659
it was a long road ahead because

1108
00:31:03,659 --> 00:31:04,949
we weren't legally married.

1109
00:31:05,159 --> 00:31:07,733
His mother stepped in and told

1110
00:31:07,733 --> 00:31:10,013
the doctors she was next of kin.

1111
00:31:10,339 --> 00:31:13,596
This is, oh my gosh.

1112
00:31:14,153 --> 00:31:15,023
Wow.

1113
00:31:15,353 --> 00:31:16,553
Oh my God, this is so bad.

1114
00:31:16,613 --> 00:31:17,363
This is terrible.

1115
00:31:17,926 --> 00:31:19,413
she explicitly told

1116
00:31:19,433 --> 00:31:20,933
them not to speak to me.

1117
00:31:22,053 --> 00:31:23,163
this is like something that's

1118
00:31:23,163 --> 00:31:24,693
so complicated that I never

1119
00:31:24,693 --> 00:31:26,073
would've even thought about.

1120
00:31:26,363 --> 00:31:27,559
Wow.

1121
00:31:27,599 --> 00:31:28,289
yeah, we just

1122
00:31:28,289 --> 00:31:29,219
automatically assume your

1123
00:31:29,219 --> 00:31:30,569
partner for that long.

1124
00:31:30,569 --> 00:31:32,099
Having kids together, like.

1125
00:31:32,420 --> 00:31:33,412
That's your person you like

1126
00:31:33,412 --> 00:31:34,398
earned your right?

1127
00:31:34,563 --> 00:31:35,013
Yeah.

1128
00:31:35,073 --> 00:31:36,093
In all in their eyes too.

1129
00:31:36,153 --> 00:31:36,453
Yeah.

1130
00:31:36,513 --> 00:31:37,113
Yeah.

1131
00:31:37,365 --> 00:31:39,585
she said I understood she was heartbroken,

1132
00:31:39,585 --> 00:31:41,685
but I had been his partner for years.

1133
00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:43,168
We shared a home, we were

1134
00:31:43,168 --> 00:31:44,548
raising a toddler, and yet

1135
00:31:44,548 --> 00:31:46,468
I was completely shut out.

1136
00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:47,468
Wow.

1137
00:31:47,670 --> 00:31:48,445
Oh my gosh.

1138
00:31:48,718 --> 00:31:51,058
She even looked me dead in the eye and

1139
00:31:51,058 --> 00:31:54,294
said, you're just the mother of his child.

1140
00:31:54,354 --> 00:31:54,384
Oh.

1141
00:31:55,155 --> 00:31:56,250
This is probably one of the

1142
00:31:56,910 --> 00:31:59,210
tragic stories I've read on here.

1143
00:31:59,447 --> 00:32:01,217
that sentence has never left me.

1144
00:32:01,479 --> 00:32:01,657
Yeah.

1145
00:32:01,657 --> 00:32:02,707
A single piece of paper

1146
00:32:02,707 --> 00:32:04,417
would've spared me so much pain.

1147
00:32:04,834 --> 00:32:06,474
Thankfully we had an incredible nurse

1148
00:32:06,574 --> 00:32:08,469
who saw what was really going on.

1149
00:32:08,589 --> 00:32:09,819
I showed proof that we lived

1150
00:32:09,819 --> 00:32:11,319
together and she let me sneak our

1151
00:32:11,319 --> 00:32:13,089
son into the ICU to see his dad.

1152
00:32:13,352 --> 00:32:14,852
Mm. So the, the grandma was even

1153
00:32:14,852 --> 00:32:17,622
keeping the, son away sounds like,

1154
00:32:17,952 --> 00:32:18,822
oh my gosh.

1155
00:32:19,135 --> 00:32:20,939
Within four days, he woke up.

1156
00:32:21,089 --> 00:32:22,109
I truly believe that

1157
00:32:22,109 --> 00:32:23,309
visit made a difference.

1158
00:32:23,369 --> 00:32:24,569
The bond between them has

1159
00:32:24,569 --> 00:32:26,215
only grown stronger since.

1160
00:32:26,438 --> 00:32:28,342
Eventually he came home and

1161
00:32:28,342 --> 00:32:29,752
made an incredible recovery.

1162
00:32:29,752 --> 00:32:32,425
About 95% of who he was

1163
00:32:32,425 --> 00:32:33,385
before the accident.

1164
00:32:33,655 --> 00:32:35,899
I didn't tell him what happened

1165
00:32:35,899 --> 00:32:37,429
while he was in the hospital.

1166
00:32:37,658 --> 00:32:39,092
I just wanted him to heal.

1167
00:32:39,322 --> 00:32:39,832
Oh.

1168
00:32:39,982 --> 00:32:41,579
So this is interesting 'cause it kind of

1169
00:32:41,579 --> 00:32:43,019
relates to what we were talking about,

1170
00:32:43,019 --> 00:32:44,729
about like protecting your partner.

1171
00:32:44,729 --> 00:32:44,819
Mm-hmm.

1172
00:32:45,059 --> 00:32:46,559
But this is like the opposite way.

1173
00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:47,222
Mm-hmm.

1174
00:32:47,228 --> 00:32:47,447
Mm-hmm.

1175
00:32:47,672 --> 00:32:49,772
So she's almost protecting

1176
00:32:50,018 --> 00:32:51,492
him from his own mother.

1177
00:32:52,572 --> 00:32:53,187
What's her take on that?

1178
00:32:53,822 --> 00:32:55,862
cause I am, I'm also wondering how

1179
00:32:55,862 --> 00:32:58,382
involved this grandma is in their life.

1180
00:32:58,412 --> 00:32:58,472
Yeah.

1181
00:32:58,752 --> 00:32:58,926
For

1182
00:32:59,916 --> 00:33:01,898
and be like, no, I'm the next of kin.

1183
00:33:02,164 --> 00:33:03,464
Yeah, exactly.

1184
00:33:03,494 --> 00:33:05,144
My, I have a lot of questions.

1185
00:33:05,144 --> 00:33:07,688
I'm like, If they didn't get married,

1186
00:33:07,989 --> 00:33:09,549
then there wasn't a wedding and

1187
00:33:09,549 --> 00:33:11,019
there wasn't this family event.

1188
00:33:11,019 --> 00:33:13,052
This like, I don't know how much

1189
00:33:13,052 --> 00:33:14,642
that matters, but like basically

1190
00:33:14,642 --> 00:33:16,412
she wasn't necessarily included

1191
00:33:16,412 --> 00:33:18,729
in their formal relationship.

1192
00:33:18,932 --> 00:33:21,162
And I'm wondering what their relationship

1193
00:33:21,222 --> 00:33:23,160
was like before, How involved she

1194
00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:24,600
was, how not involved, what her

1195
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:26,520
relationship was like with her son.

1196
00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:28,726
so that's what I have just context.

1197
00:33:28,726 --> 00:33:29,986
I want context to that.

1198
00:33:30,016 --> 00:33:32,437
But you wanna demonize the mother-in-law

1199
00:33:32,437 --> 00:33:34,707
in these situations, like it's easy to

1200
00:33:34,707 --> 00:33:37,354
say, oh my gosh, what a terrible person.

1201
00:33:37,354 --> 00:33:38,854
How could she do this and

1202
00:33:38,854 --> 00:33:40,504
disrespect me like this?

1203
00:33:40,690 --> 00:33:41,914
And I wonder, again,

1204
00:33:41,914 --> 00:33:43,054
that's like zooming out.

1205
00:33:43,054 --> 00:33:45,754
Is this a pattern where she like the.

1206
00:33:45,850 --> 00:33:48,104
partner doesn't share things

1207
00:33:48,104 --> 00:33:49,784
with him to protect him.

1208
00:33:49,937 --> 00:33:52,434
And is this just another thing,

1209
00:33:52,737 --> 00:33:54,724
part of that, when this is something

1210
00:33:54,724 --> 00:33:56,674
that he definitely needs to know?

1211
00:33:56,894 --> 00:33:57,317
Mm-hmm.

1212
00:33:57,557 --> 00:33:58,247
You know, they definitely

1213
00:33:58,247 --> 00:33:59,717
need to figure out together.

1214
00:33:59,868 --> 00:34:01,224
Yeah, because I feel like

1215
00:34:01,224 --> 00:34:02,094
that would be my thought.

1216
00:34:02,094 --> 00:34:03,444
Like I understand her concern

1217
00:34:03,444 --> 00:34:04,254
with being like, you know what,

1218
00:34:04,254 --> 00:34:05,724
let's just focus on him healing.

1219
00:34:05,948 --> 00:34:07,410
But yeah, then I would also be

1220
00:34:07,410 --> 00:34:09,120
like, what if something happens?

1221
00:34:09,150 --> 00:34:09,930
Like where,

1222
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:10,710
yeah,

1223
00:34:10,890 --> 00:34:11,640
he has a stroke.

1224
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:11,880
I don't know.

1225
00:34:12,090 --> 00:34:13,770
Just you think like something happens

1226
00:34:13,770 --> 00:34:15,934
where like another life altering event.

1227
00:34:16,196 --> 00:34:17,606
course you would hope like nothing

1228
00:34:17,606 --> 00:34:19,286
happens after that, but like things

1229
00:34:19,286 --> 00:34:20,933
happen and then you'd be like,

1230
00:34:20,963 --> 00:34:22,283
okay, how can I protect myself

1231
00:34:22,283 --> 00:34:24,576
now I wanna talk to him because.

1232
00:34:24,833 --> 00:34:26,086
I wanna make sure we're like on the

1233
00:34:26,086 --> 00:34:27,976
same page moving forward or something.

1234
00:34:27,976 --> 00:34:28,366
Yeah.

1235
00:34:28,366 --> 00:34:29,835
Wait, did she say that she

1236
00:34:29,835 --> 00:34:31,605
didn't tell him any of this?

1237
00:34:31,725 --> 00:34:32,685
Is that what she said?

1238
00:34:32,685 --> 00:34:34,545
So there's still a little bit more, but

1239
00:34:34,545 --> 00:34:37,325
she said so far, I didn't tell him what

1240
00:34:37,325 --> 00:34:39,065
happened while he was in the hospital.

1241
00:34:39,065 --> 00:34:40,685
I just wanted him to heal.

1242
00:34:40,915 --> 00:34:41,215
Okay.

1243
00:34:41,215 --> 00:34:41,365
Yeah.

1244
00:34:41,395 --> 00:34:41,635
Okay.

1245
00:34:41,635 --> 00:34:41,815
Wait.

1246
00:34:41,815 --> 00:34:43,315
And then right after it says, so I

1247
00:34:43,315 --> 00:34:44,775
didn't read this yet, but once he

1248
00:34:44,775 --> 00:34:46,785
was well enough to return to work, we

1249
00:34:46,785 --> 00:34:49,155
started making secret wedding plans.

1250
00:34:49,409 --> 00:34:49,879
Oh.

1251
00:34:49,969 --> 00:34:51,335
Oh, okay.

1252
00:34:51,612 --> 00:34:52,692
okay, let's see where this goes.

1253
00:34:52,752 --> 00:34:53,052
Okay.

1254
00:34:53,052 --> 00:34:54,942
It says, we hosted a backyard

1255
00:34:54,942 --> 00:34:56,532
barbecue that December.

1256
00:34:56,792 --> 00:34:59,879
A few close friends and family knew it was

1257
00:34:59,879 --> 00:35:02,489
more than just a cookout, but most didn't.

1258
00:35:02,697 --> 00:35:02,913
Okay.

1259
00:35:02,913 --> 00:35:05,793
So they did a surprise, oh my gosh.

1260
00:35:05,793 --> 00:35:05,973
Wedding.

1261
00:35:07,203 --> 00:35:09,453
Most didn't including his mother.

1262
00:35:09,782 --> 00:35:12,132
I, oh wait, his, so his mom didn't know.

1263
00:35:12,252 --> 00:35:14,412
Didn't know that it was a secret wedding.

1264
00:35:14,645 --> 00:35:15,109
Okay.

1265
00:35:15,199 --> 00:35:17,089
I have so many thoughts now because

1266
00:35:17,089 --> 00:35:18,949
I'm like, okay, was their relationship

1267
00:35:18,949 --> 00:35:21,209
with the mom always bad or if the

1268
00:35:21,209 --> 00:35:22,679
mom always made it clear that she did

1269
00:35:22,679 --> 00:35:25,959
not like her, because now it's like,

1270
00:35:26,079 --> 00:35:27,579
I'm not gonna tell you what happened.

1271
00:35:27,579 --> 00:35:28,659
So you talk to your mom,

1272
00:35:28,899 --> 00:35:30,459
we're gonna have this wedding.

1273
00:35:31,315 --> 00:35:32,089
Oh my gosh.

1274
00:35:32,089 --> 00:35:33,412
I didn't even think retaliation

1275
00:35:34,222 --> 00:35:35,212
basically, which like,

1276
00:35:35,242 --> 00:35:36,202
obviously they're gonna get married

1277
00:35:36,202 --> 00:35:37,462
anyway, so I don't want 'em to think I'm

1278
00:35:37,462 --> 00:35:38,842
thinking that, but I'm just like, oh.

1279
00:35:38,842 --> 00:35:40,459
She's like, you did that to

1280
00:35:40,459 --> 00:35:42,109
me while my husband watch

1281
00:35:42,109 --> 00:35:42,799
this.

1282
00:35:43,009 --> 00:35:43,399
Yeah.

1283
00:35:43,429 --> 00:35:44,149
Watch this.

1284
00:35:44,209 --> 00:35:44,629
I'll prove you.

1285
00:35:45,229 --> 00:35:46,989
How much he's my partner.

1286
00:35:47,309 --> 00:35:50,075
or I mean, or, or she

1287
00:35:50,075 --> 00:35:50,975
just learned from that.

1288
00:35:50,975 --> 00:35:53,285
Like, this woman is not safe for us

1289
00:35:53,285 --> 00:35:55,512
to tell anything to, and we need her

1290
00:35:55,512 --> 00:35:57,282
in a group of people so she's not

1291
00:35:57,282 --> 00:36:00,506
acting crazy that when it's our moment.

1292
00:36:00,815 --> 00:36:01,904
That's such a good, that's who.

1293
00:36:02,167 --> 00:36:03,479
you can't make this up.

1294
00:36:03,479 --> 00:36:04,859
Like you cannot make this up.

1295
00:36:04,949 --> 00:36:06,149
It's wild.

1296
00:36:06,362 --> 00:36:07,209
This is a wow

1297
00:36:07,359 --> 00:36:07,869
story.

1298
00:36:08,112 --> 00:36:08,665
Yeah.

1299
00:36:08,665 --> 00:36:09,835
I'm like picturing it now.

1300
00:36:09,835 --> 00:36:11,425
And that was such a good point about

1301
00:36:11,425 --> 00:36:13,689
like being aware of like, okay, how

1302
00:36:13,689 --> 00:36:16,419
could she act out if it was just us?

1303
00:36:16,515 --> 00:36:16,929
Right.

1304
00:36:17,019 --> 00:36:18,369
This way she's gonna maybe,

1305
00:36:18,429 --> 00:36:20,529
hopefully be on her best behavior.

1306
00:36:20,745 --> 00:36:21,822
' cause certain people like that

1307
00:36:21,822 --> 00:36:23,262
aren't gonna put on a show.

1308
00:36:23,552 --> 00:36:24,955
I mean, they might, some people might.

1309
00:36:25,162 --> 00:36:25,592
Right.

1310
00:36:25,802 --> 00:36:28,172
But if they did, there's witnesses now.

1311
00:36:28,502 --> 00:36:29,192
Yes,

1312
00:36:29,725 --> 00:36:30,205
man.

1313
00:36:30,205 --> 00:36:30,505
Like, we're

1314
00:36:30,505 --> 00:36:31,825
not the crazy ones.

1315
00:36:31,825 --> 00:36:32,185
It's not us.

1316
00:36:32,575 --> 00:36:33,235
Yeah, exactly.

1317
00:36:33,235 --> 00:36:34,525
Like now you see Yeah.

1318
00:36:34,685 --> 00:36:34,874
Yeah.

1319
00:36:35,009 --> 00:36:36,059
This is what we're dealing with.

1320
00:36:36,209 --> 00:36:37,109
Oh my gosh.

1321
00:36:37,422 --> 00:36:37,989
oh, here we go.

1322
00:36:38,164 --> 00:36:38,182
Okay.

1323
00:36:38,182 --> 00:36:39,854
She had no idea it was a

1324
00:36:39,854 --> 00:36:42,314
wedding until the cake came out.

1325
00:36:43,548 --> 00:36:45,580
She was livid.

1326
00:36:45,830 --> 00:36:46,820
Oh my gosh.

1327
00:36:46,820 --> 00:36:46,850
Oh.

1328
00:36:47,581 --> 00:36:50,424
A year or so later, we paid off all

1329
00:36:50,424 --> 00:36:52,914
of her debts and helped her move out.

1330
00:36:53,234 --> 00:36:54,034
Move out.

1331
00:36:54,154 --> 00:36:54,334
Wait.

1332
00:36:54,334 --> 00:36:55,474
Was the mom living with them?

1333
00:36:55,761 --> 00:36:56,557
Did I miss something?

1334
00:36:56,557 --> 00:36:56,587
Oh,

1335
00:36:57,157 --> 00:36:58,687
because that would be crazy if the

1336
00:36:58,687 --> 00:37:00,457
mom was living with them and she

1337
00:37:00,457 --> 00:37:01,927
didn't know they were getting married.

1338
00:37:02,151 --> 00:37:02,714
Yeah.

1339
00:37:03,007 --> 00:37:04,207
if the mom was living with them,

1340
00:37:04,207 --> 00:37:05,617
how long was she living with them

1341
00:37:05,617 --> 00:37:08,081
for that she then blocked out.

1342
00:37:08,411 --> 00:37:09,281
I'm so confused.

1343
00:37:09,311 --> 00:37:10,571
Oh my gosh.

1344
00:37:10,817 --> 00:37:12,137
Well, because it says best decision

1345
00:37:12,137 --> 00:37:13,697
we ever made because they paid

1346
00:37:13,697 --> 00:37:14,897
off her debts and helped her move

1347
00:37:14,897 --> 00:37:16,187
out, so she was living with them.

1348
00:37:16,401 --> 00:37:16,831
Oh wait.

1349
00:37:16,831 --> 00:37:18,541
Helped her move out, wait.

1350
00:37:18,691 --> 00:37:19,531
Paid off her debts and

1351
00:37:19,531 --> 00:37:20,341
helped her move out.

1352
00:37:20,627 --> 00:37:20,807
Yeah.

1353
00:37:20,807 --> 00:37:21,587
Moved out of where?

1354
00:37:21,617 --> 00:37:22,427
That's the question.

1355
00:37:22,744 --> 00:37:23,301
Yeah.

1356
00:37:23,581 --> 00:37:24,399
Oh my gosh.

1357
00:37:24,644 --> 00:37:26,846
It says our relationship with her

1358
00:37:26,846 --> 00:37:29,036
stayed strained for over a decade.

1359
00:37:29,281 --> 00:37:32,099
She passed away in 2014, and since then

1360
00:37:32,099 --> 00:37:34,589
life has been calm, happy, and drama free.

1361
00:37:34,857 --> 00:37:36,296
Now we're planning our 25th wedding

1362
00:37:36,296 --> 00:37:37,616
anniversary, and this time it

1363
00:37:37,616 --> 00:37:39,206
won't be a surprise to anyone.

1364
00:37:39,494 --> 00:37:40,139
Oh my God.

1365
00:37:40,829 --> 00:37:41,969
Oh my gosh.

1366
00:37:41,969 --> 00:37:42,269
That is

1367
00:37:42,269 --> 00:37:44,099
a wild story.

1368
00:37:44,384 --> 00:37:45,182
Wow.

1369
00:37:45,556 --> 00:37:47,806
I'm feeling a lot of things about that.

1370
00:37:47,866 --> 00:37:48,466
Yes.

1371
00:37:48,627 --> 00:37:51,776
Well, wait, so backing up, when he got in

1372
00:37:51,776 --> 00:37:54,049
that tragic accident, that was like, what?

1373
00:37:54,049 --> 00:37:54,949
Probably five years

1374
00:37:54,949 --> 00:37:56,239
into their relationship?

1375
00:37:56,467 --> 00:37:58,596
Is that like a general timeline?

1376
00:37:58,596 --> 00:37:59,196
Probably.

1377
00:37:59,256 --> 00:37:59,766
So

1378
00:38:00,007 --> 00:38:01,889
they met mid nineties

1379
00:38:02,089 --> 00:38:04,429
in the summer of 2000.

1380
00:38:04,647 --> 00:38:05,079
Yeah.

1381
00:38:05,139 --> 00:38:05,499
Yeah.

1382
00:38:05,499 --> 00:38:07,569
So probably like five or so years.

1383
00:38:07,872 --> 00:38:08,322
Okay.

1384
00:38:08,502 --> 00:38:10,369
They had a toddler

1385
00:38:10,429 --> 00:38:11,899
together, living together.

1386
00:38:12,152 --> 00:38:14,501
Mm. Yeah, where was the mom and all this?

1387
00:38:14,501 --> 00:38:16,181
Like did she live with

1388
00:38:16,461 --> 00:38:17,504
Yeah, did she live with them?

1389
00:38:17,824 --> 00:38:19,834
so from a family systems point of

1390
00:38:19,834 --> 00:38:21,454
view, remember that's my context.

1391
00:38:21,454 --> 00:38:22,954
'cause like, I wanna respond

1392
00:38:22,954 --> 00:38:24,571
personally to this, cause this is

1393
00:38:24,571 --> 00:38:27,401
crazy, but not in a clinical way.

1394
00:38:27,624 --> 00:38:29,171
You're not crazy in a clinical way.

1395
00:38:29,381 --> 00:38:29,471
Yes.

1396
00:38:29,501 --> 00:38:31,801
But it's still just like, what is

1397
00:38:31,801 --> 00:38:33,301
this guy, you know, you said this

1398
00:38:33,301 --> 00:38:34,741
at the beginning, like when people

1399
00:38:34,741 --> 00:38:36,151
are like, oh, where's the fiance?

1400
00:38:36,151 --> 00:38:37,621
People submit stories and they're

1401
00:38:37,621 --> 00:38:38,824
like, wait, Where's the fiance?

1402
00:38:38,824 --> 00:38:39,514
Where's the husband?

1403
00:38:39,514 --> 00:38:40,294
Where's the partner?

1404
00:38:40,494 --> 00:38:40,704
Yeah.

1405
00:38:40,734 --> 00:38:40,884
And

1406
00:38:40,884 --> 00:38:42,084
that's what I'm wondering is

1407
00:38:42,187 --> 00:38:44,947
what has he just been passive

1408
00:38:44,947 --> 00:38:47,521
in this situation and mm-hmm.

1409
00:38:47,581 --> 00:38:48,181
I don't know.

1410
00:38:48,181 --> 00:38:50,784
I think it's so easy to be, with

1411
00:38:50,784 --> 00:38:52,644
these mother-in-laws that do these

1412
00:38:52,644 --> 00:38:55,494
things, to be really scared of them.

1413
00:38:55,657 --> 00:38:56,977
And let them dominate.

1414
00:38:57,164 --> 00:38:58,484
I think there gets to a point where it's

1415
00:38:58,484 --> 00:39:00,127
like you, can have boundaries as adults.

1416
00:39:00,284 --> 00:39:01,717
you don't have to have her in your, house.

1417
00:39:01,717 --> 00:39:03,427
If she's terrorizing you and you're

1418
00:39:03,427 --> 00:39:05,357
scared of her and you're laughing at her

1419
00:39:05,357 --> 00:39:08,911
behind her back, so I don't know, but.

1420
00:39:09,116 --> 00:39:10,064
That sounds,

1421
00:39:10,299 --> 00:39:11,391
that's what I'm confused about.

1422
00:39:11,391 --> 00:39:11,392
Crazy.

1423
00:39:11,647 --> 00:39:13,117
he had a good relationship with

1424
00:39:13,117 --> 00:39:15,127
his mom, so he was like, oh,

1425
00:39:15,127 --> 00:39:17,056
she's fine, she's harmless.

1426
00:39:17,056 --> 00:39:17,927
But then maybe, right.

1427
00:39:17,957 --> 00:39:20,387
It wasn't until he was in the ICU that she

1428
00:39:20,387 --> 00:39:22,082
became really terrible and was like, like

1429
00:39:22,087 --> 00:39:24,227
actually a threat to their relationship.

1430
00:39:24,257 --> 00:39:24,738
Yeah, yeah.

1431
00:39:24,947 --> 00:39:26,841
Because you know, you hear funerals

1432
00:39:26,841 --> 00:39:28,677
and weddings and, all those big life

1433
00:39:28,677 --> 00:39:30,297
events bring out the worst in people.

1434
00:39:30,297 --> 00:39:30,627
Right?

1435
00:39:30,627 --> 00:39:31,077
Right.

1436
00:39:31,077 --> 00:39:32,337
And I'm sure there could be a podcast

1437
00:39:32,337 --> 00:39:33,777
about funeral things that happen with

1438
00:39:33,994 --> 00:39:36,957
families, like being torn apart and money

1439
00:39:36,957 --> 00:39:38,507
is, you always hear about stuff like that.

1440
00:39:38,507 --> 00:39:40,367
And so that's what makes me think of

1441
00:39:40,367 --> 00:39:43,157
like, maybe the mom was playing nice and

1442
00:39:43,157 --> 00:39:45,677
then she was like in tragedy brought up.

1443
00:39:45,677 --> 00:39:46,217
Right.

1444
00:39:46,977 --> 00:39:47,647
I don't know.

1445
00:39:47,897 --> 00:39:48,537
Yeah.

1446
00:39:48,784 --> 00:39:51,844
Well, oh man, that's so hard.

1447
00:39:52,097 --> 00:39:53,421
That is so hard.

1448
00:39:53,664 --> 00:39:54,564
I mean real life.

1449
00:39:54,564 --> 00:39:56,454
And that's why marriage relationships

1450
00:39:56,454 --> 00:39:58,464
are so important to get right.

1451
00:39:58,494 --> 00:40:00,864
Because life is crazy and there are

1452
00:40:00,864 --> 00:40:02,724
huge things that happen like that,

1453
00:40:02,974 --> 00:40:05,614
alter things and alter relationships.

1454
00:40:05,614 --> 00:40:07,894
And so having a balance and

1455
00:40:07,894 --> 00:40:10,141
having communication and resolving

1456
00:40:10,141 --> 00:40:12,031
conflicts so that it all doesn't

1457
00:40:12,031 --> 00:40:14,637
come out in this one crisis,

1458
00:40:14,831 --> 00:40:15,191
Mm-hmm.

1459
00:40:15,431 --> 00:40:15,521
Is

1460
00:40:15,521 --> 00:40:17,801
so important because crises happen.

1461
00:40:17,989 --> 00:40:18,384
Yeah.

1462
00:40:18,667 --> 00:40:20,862
I love that she shared this story 'cause

1463
00:40:20,862 --> 00:40:22,962
it's such a unique perspective and I

1464
00:40:22,962 --> 00:40:25,002
feel like open people's eyes up too

1465
00:40:25,002 --> 00:40:26,849
because it's kind of like a different

1466
00:40:26,849 --> 00:40:28,709
perspective of the stories we usually get.

1467
00:40:28,709 --> 00:40:30,776
'cause it's usually like the wedding

1468
00:40:30,776 --> 00:40:32,306
drama and the planning and stuff.

1469
00:40:32,306 --> 00:40:33,476
So this was a very

1470
00:40:33,812 --> 00:40:35,072
alternative kind of story.

1471
00:40:35,072 --> 00:40:36,919
And I think it's really interesting

1472
00:40:36,919 --> 00:40:38,149
'cause you never think like.

1473
00:40:38,382 --> 00:40:40,856
in a tragic moment, what's gonna happen?

1474
00:40:40,856 --> 00:40:42,086
Or, you know, right.

1475
00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:43,496
How would we handle that?

1476
00:40:43,676 --> 00:40:44,576
Married or not?

1477
00:40:44,576 --> 00:40:46,016
How would we handle that situation?

1478
00:40:46,016 --> 00:40:47,989
'cause that can put stress on family.

1479
00:40:47,989 --> 00:40:50,209
How is family gonna come in at that point?

1480
00:40:50,449 --> 00:40:52,759
well, yeah, and I think it depends.

1481
00:40:52,969 --> 00:40:55,159
When I got married, I remember like

1482
00:40:55,159 --> 00:40:57,426
a month after we got married and

1483
00:40:57,426 --> 00:40:58,746
we're home from and everything and

1484
00:40:58,836 --> 00:41:00,516
it's like really hitting you this

1485
00:41:00,516 --> 00:41:03,216
commitment and this legal change.

1486
00:41:03,429 --> 00:41:04,899
And I was changing my name

1487
00:41:05,136 --> 00:41:06,992
and I remember being like, I'm

1488
00:41:06,992 --> 00:41:09,722
changing my social security card.

1489
00:41:09,752 --> 00:41:12,799
Like, if I am in an accent, you are gonna

1490
00:41:12,799 --> 00:41:15,949
be like, you know, who's at my age who

1491
00:41:15,949 --> 00:41:18,079
doesn't have experience with hospitals,

1492
00:41:18,079 --> 00:41:20,657
you my mom's a nurse and, I just remember

1493
00:41:20,657 --> 00:41:23,294
like the gravity of that hitting me, you

1494
00:41:23,294 --> 00:41:25,297
know, you just grow up like it's just so

1495
00:41:25,297 --> 00:41:28,134
much transition internally and in life.

1496
00:41:28,134 --> 00:41:29,034
And you're like, oh my gosh.

1497
00:41:29,034 --> 00:41:30,684
Like if I am in a car accident, you

1498
00:41:30,684 --> 00:41:33,076
are gonna be making these decisions.

1499
00:41:33,084 --> 00:41:34,314
Like this is crazy.

1500
00:41:34,314 --> 00:41:34,374
Yeah.

1501
00:41:34,581 --> 00:41:35,705
but I agree like what you're

1502
00:41:35,705 --> 00:41:37,235
saying just about how the legal

1503
00:41:37,235 --> 00:41:39,155
thing like this, it matters.

1504
00:41:39,385 --> 00:41:41,035
this person is making these huge

1505
00:41:41,035 --> 00:41:43,991
decisions and when health is on the line,

1506
00:41:43,991 --> 00:41:45,731
I think that's a time where like hard

1507
00:41:45,731 --> 00:41:47,561
boundaries need to be there, mm-hmm.

1508
00:41:47,861 --> 00:41:50,331
Or else there's this situation right

1509
00:41:50,331 --> 00:41:52,341
where the wife or the, partner Yeah.

1510
00:41:52,363 --> 00:41:54,283
there's no clear lines there.

1511
00:41:54,425 --> 00:41:56,316
' cause legally did the mom have the right,

1512
00:41:56,316 --> 00:41:58,796
or I don't even know what the laws are.

1513
00:41:58,968 --> 00:41:59,276
Yeah.

1514
00:41:59,276 --> 00:41:59,606
I don't know.

1515
00:41:59,606 --> 00:42:00,656
And I don't know what state there, 'cause

1516
00:42:00,656 --> 00:42:02,816
I'm sure it differs state to state too.

1517
00:42:03,082 --> 00:42:05,705
But it sounds like she probably

1518
00:42:05,705 --> 00:42:07,625
had the legality because she

1519
00:42:07,625 --> 00:42:09,395
was the mom, but I don't know.

1520
00:42:09,425 --> 00:42:10,295
'cause it's like if he's over

1521
00:42:10,295 --> 00:42:12,421
18, doesn't that kind of go away?

1522
00:42:12,451 --> 00:42:13,531
I don't know how that works.

1523
00:42:13,773 --> 00:42:15,887
but I actually heard a crazy story.

1524
00:42:16,183 --> 00:42:17,683
I don't even know how long ago it was now.

1525
00:42:17,930 --> 00:42:20,040
and I'll change up the story slightly

1526
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:22,163
to protect who they are, but, this

1527
00:42:22,163 --> 00:42:23,723
couple was married for a long time.

1528
00:42:23,723 --> 00:42:25,583
They were going through a divorce and

1529
00:42:25,583 --> 00:42:27,107
while they were going through a divorce,

1530
00:42:27,107 --> 00:42:29,073
the man had a traumatic, like, I think

1531
00:42:29,073 --> 00:42:31,263
I wanna say brain cancer, brain tumor.

1532
00:42:31,593 --> 00:42:31,890
Mm-hmm.

1533
00:42:31,915 --> 00:42:34,893
And it turns out that certain

1534
00:42:34,893 --> 00:42:36,393
tumors can make you act different

1535
00:42:36,393 --> 00:42:37,743
ways or like do different things.

1536
00:42:37,923 --> 00:42:39,393
Mm. While that was happening, he

1537
00:42:39,393 --> 00:42:42,420
had an affair with her sister.

1538
00:42:43,853 --> 00:42:44,333
It was, I know.

1539
00:42:44,333 --> 00:42:45,083
It was crazy.

1540
00:42:45,310 --> 00:42:47,833
And so while he was in the hospital,

1541
00:42:47,833 --> 00:42:49,753
the sister and I, again, I don't know

1542
00:42:49,753 --> 00:42:51,163
the legalities or how this worked.

1543
00:42:51,163 --> 00:42:51,433
Yeah.

1544
00:42:51,678 --> 00:42:53,457
This was like through a grapevine, The

1545
00:42:53,457 --> 00:42:55,377
sister was not allowing the ex-wife

1546
00:42:55,557 --> 00:42:58,347
to Oh, Father of the children, what?

1547
00:42:58,347 --> 00:42:59,217
25 years?

1548
00:42:59,217 --> 00:42:59,637
Yeah.

1549
00:42:59,888 --> 00:43:00,533
Oh

1550
00:43:00,563 --> 00:43:00,833
my

1551
00:43:00,833 --> 00:43:01,313
gosh.

1552
00:43:01,313 --> 00:43:02,887
And I was just like, this was a long

1553
00:43:02,947 --> 00:43:04,857
grapevine, but it was just like, what?

1554
00:43:05,127 --> 00:43:06,726
again, I don't know, like the legalities

1555
00:43:06,726 --> 00:43:09,083
of that because they were divorced, but

1556
00:43:09,083 --> 00:43:11,633
he wasn't with this new person legally.

1557
00:43:11,854 --> 00:43:12,706
But I don't know if she was just

1558
00:43:12,706 --> 00:43:14,266
there when the injury happened or

1559
00:43:14,266 --> 00:43:16,309
they like, did the surgery or what.

1560
00:43:16,489 --> 00:43:17,599
Oh my gosh.

1561
00:43:17,649 --> 00:43:18,819
those kind of things are just

1562
00:43:18,819 --> 00:43:20,149
like, you don't think about that

1563
00:43:20,149 --> 00:43:21,903
when you're like, I don't know.

1564
00:43:22,107 --> 00:43:23,848
Getting married or like all that stuff.

1565
00:43:23,848 --> 00:43:25,798
No, no, you don't.

1566
00:43:25,828 --> 00:43:26,848
You definitely don't.

1567
00:43:27,035 --> 00:43:27,961
I'm watching, it's funny

1568
00:43:27,961 --> 00:43:28,951
we're talking about this too.

1569
00:43:28,981 --> 00:43:30,871
'cause I'm rewatching, Grey's Anatomy,

1570
00:43:31,004 --> 00:43:32,908
so I'm like seeing all this stuff

1571
00:43:32,908 --> 00:43:35,174
in episodes but yeah, it really does

1572
00:43:35,174 --> 00:43:37,471
make you think of the legalities.

1573
00:43:37,501 --> 00:43:38,698
'cause I think that is what they

1574
00:43:38,698 --> 00:43:40,258
make those decisions based on.

1575
00:43:40,258 --> 00:43:40,528
Right.

1576
00:43:40,528 --> 00:43:42,851
Like the doctors have to know Yeah.

1577
00:43:42,851 --> 00:43:43,841
Who's next of kin and

1578
00:43:43,841 --> 00:43:45,311
who's formally next of kin.

1579
00:43:45,761 --> 00:43:46,031
Right.

1580
00:43:46,328 --> 00:43:46,691
Yeah.

1581
00:43:46,948 --> 00:43:48,124
Because I know there's been really sad

1582
00:43:48,124 --> 00:43:50,558
stories where, a gay couple or something

1583
00:43:50,558 --> 00:43:52,979
have been partners for a long time, but

1584
00:43:52,979 --> 00:43:55,151
because they weren't legally married,

1585
00:43:55,151 --> 00:43:57,761
they refused to let a longtime partner

1586
00:43:57,761 --> 00:43:59,891
of someone in the hospital room So crazy.

1587
00:43:59,981 --> 00:44:03,101
And I hope that's changed in most cases,

1588
00:44:03,101 --> 00:44:04,601
but I'm sure there's gotta be some kind of

1589
00:44:04,601 --> 00:44:06,941
like paperwork or something, I don't know.

1590
00:44:07,188 --> 00:44:07,268
Mm-hmm.

1591
00:44:07,268 --> 00:44:08,018
How that works.

1592
00:44:08,048 --> 00:44:08,138
Mm-hmm.

1593
00:44:08,138 --> 00:44:10,158
But maybe next I need to have some like.

1594
00:44:10,418 --> 00:44:11,841
Lawyer on it should have someone on here.

1595
00:44:12,256 --> 00:44:12,546
Yeah.

1596
00:44:12,551 --> 00:44:12,891
Yeah.

1597
00:44:12,981 --> 00:44:13,851
Talking about that.

1598
00:44:13,851 --> 00:44:14,421
Is there a lawyer

1599
00:44:14,421 --> 00:44:15,111
listening?

1600
00:44:20,756 --> 00:44:21,116
okay.

1601
00:44:21,346 --> 00:44:22,586
I know we're about at the end

1602
00:44:22,586 --> 00:44:24,716
of our time, so I always like to

1603
00:44:24,716 --> 00:44:26,486
end this with confessions, weekly

1604
00:44:26,486 --> 00:44:27,986
confessions that people send me.

1605
00:44:28,233 --> 00:44:30,403
So here's a couple that people sent in.

1606
00:44:30,433 --> 00:44:32,439
It says, biggest regret was

1607
00:44:32,439 --> 00:44:34,089
having a wedding instead of

1608
00:44:34,089 --> 00:44:35,679
eloping like I wanted to.

1609
00:44:35,709 --> 00:44:37,299
Mm. And I was told I

1610
00:44:37,299 --> 00:44:38,589
would regret it later.

1611
00:44:38,813 --> 00:44:40,539
That is so sad.

1612
00:44:40,569 --> 00:44:42,749
or it's just sad when people project their

1613
00:44:42,749 --> 00:44:45,179
own experiences and you don't realize it's

1614
00:44:45,406 --> 00:44:47,976
them projecting and not everyone's truth

1615
00:44:47,976 --> 00:44:50,033
and not like a universal truth, you know?

1616
00:44:50,399 --> 00:44:50,909
Mm-hmm.

1617
00:44:51,479 --> 00:44:52,079
Oh, that's tough.

1618
00:44:52,079 --> 00:44:53,923
See, that's why like, these times, you

1619
00:44:53,923 --> 00:44:56,023
have to do what you wanna do, I think.

1620
00:44:56,143 --> 00:44:56,503
Yeah.

1621
00:44:56,503 --> 00:44:57,403
Because they're so big.

1622
00:44:57,619 --> 00:44:58,168
Totally.

1623
00:44:58,346 --> 00:44:59,833
And I feel like when you tend to

1624
00:44:59,833 --> 00:45:01,123
listen to everyone around you,

1625
00:45:01,123 --> 00:45:02,563
but yourself, you're gonna end up

1626
00:45:02,563 --> 00:45:04,253
regretting it a hundred percent.

1627
00:45:04,253 --> 00:45:05,183
Whether it want a big wedding and you

1628
00:45:05,183 --> 00:45:07,354
went small or you, don't elope, but

1629
00:45:07,354 --> 00:45:09,274
you really wanted to elope because

1630
00:45:09,524 --> 00:45:11,074
you're ultimately trying to please

1631
00:45:11,074 --> 00:45:12,214
everyone else and you're looking back.

1632
00:45:12,214 --> 00:45:12,874
Exactly.

1633
00:45:12,934 --> 00:45:14,574
Feel like, what was that for?

1634
00:45:14,634 --> 00:45:15,444
Yeah.

1635
00:45:15,684 --> 00:45:17,574
And it's like if you do what you

1636
00:45:17,574 --> 00:45:19,734
wanna do and it didn't turn out the

1637
00:45:19,734 --> 00:45:21,264
way you wanted to, you can learn.

1638
00:45:21,314 --> 00:45:23,414
I don't think is as bad as if you

1639
00:45:23,641 --> 00:45:26,244
listen to someone else over yourself.

1640
00:45:26,404 --> 00:45:27,898
' cause I think when you get married, like

1641
00:45:27,898 --> 00:45:30,088
when you go into that stage of life.

1642
00:45:30,344 --> 00:45:31,811
And you start your own family,

1643
00:45:31,811 --> 00:45:32,981
whether you have kids or not.

1644
00:45:32,981 --> 00:45:35,188
Like you're starting your own family, that

1645
00:45:35,188 --> 00:45:37,498
you have to get in the habit of making

1646
00:45:37,498 --> 00:45:40,648
decisions for your family and for yourself

1647
00:45:40,708 --> 00:45:42,658
and putting yourself first in that way.

1648
00:45:42,658 --> 00:45:44,488
That's what's best for your family.

1649
00:45:44,611 --> 00:45:44,818
Mm-hmm.

1650
00:45:44,913 --> 00:45:47,038
Is choosing yourself every

1651
00:45:47,038 --> 00:45:48,598
day over everybody else.

1652
00:45:48,654 --> 00:45:50,874
obviously considering other people,

1653
00:45:50,904 --> 00:45:52,921
but no one knows your family, no one

1654
00:45:52,921 --> 00:45:54,631
knows you better than you know you.

1655
00:45:54,881 --> 00:45:56,788
Even if you haven't been through something

1656
00:45:56,848 --> 00:45:58,738
that other people have been through.

1657
00:45:59,081 --> 00:45:59,334
Yeah.

1658
00:45:59,334 --> 00:46:00,324
You know, the way you just said

1659
00:46:00,324 --> 00:46:01,441
it, I'm like, the wedding is

1660
00:46:01,441 --> 00:46:03,084
kind of like the test, kinda like

1661
00:46:03,114 --> 00:46:04,854
the precursor into the marriage.

1662
00:46:04,854 --> 00:46:05,824
'cause everyone's so

1663
00:46:05,824 --> 00:46:06,724
focused on the wedding.

1664
00:46:06,724 --> 00:46:07,024
Right.

1665
00:46:07,024 --> 00:46:09,056
But it's really the marriage, that counts

1666
00:46:09,654 --> 00:46:11,356
I can kind of say that to like, your

1667
00:46:11,356 --> 00:46:12,826
clients before, but I just feel like so

1668
00:46:12,826 --> 00:46:14,630
many people focus on this big day, right?

1669
00:46:15,168 --> 00:46:17,203
The flashing lights and all that, but.

1670
00:46:17,418 --> 00:46:18,854
It really is kinda like the precursor

1671
00:46:18,854 --> 00:46:20,455
of like, how are we gonna handle stress?

1672
00:46:20,688 --> 00:46:21,598
How are we gonna budget

1673
00:46:21,598 --> 00:46:22,708
for this big event?

1674
00:46:23,148 --> 00:46:24,008
How are all these strong

1675
00:46:24,028 --> 00:46:25,888
personalities gonna come together

1676
00:46:26,115 --> 00:46:27,101
and how will we deal with it?

1677
00:46:27,101 --> 00:46:29,771
Because in our, marriage, there's gonna be

1678
00:46:29,950 --> 00:46:31,425
trials and tribulations, there's gonna be

1679
00:46:31,425 --> 00:46:33,495
hard times, there's gonna be great times.

1680
00:46:33,711 --> 00:46:34,671
and so I feel like that's kinda

1681
00:46:34,671 --> 00:46:36,188
like a precursor of are we gonna

1682
00:46:36,188 --> 00:46:38,758
listen to everyone else before us?

1683
00:46:38,951 --> 00:46:39,701
how are we gonna Well,

1684
00:46:40,061 --> 00:46:41,681
yeah, and like I said, like I really

1685
00:46:41,681 --> 00:46:43,031
do, when I'm thinking about it like

1686
00:46:43,031 --> 00:46:45,133
this, I'm like, People don't, I don't

1687
00:46:45,133 --> 00:46:47,296
know It's crazy that this amount of

1688
00:46:47,296 --> 00:46:50,066
pressure and this complex of a thing

1689
00:46:50,066 --> 00:46:52,226
happens at the very beginning of a

1690
00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:54,876
relationship because in life you're never

1691
00:46:54,876 --> 00:46:57,456
dealing with this type of thing again.

1692
00:46:57,486 --> 00:46:58,746
You know, unless you have children

1693
00:46:58,746 --> 00:47:00,213
and there's like, you live on

1694
00:47:00,213 --> 00:47:01,503
a compound with your family.

1695
00:47:01,503 --> 00:47:03,600
Like there's not this level of pressure,

1696
00:47:03,778 --> 00:47:06,043
of personalities of involvement in

1697
00:47:06,043 --> 00:47:08,113
your life and in your life decisions

1698
00:47:08,113 --> 00:47:09,793
as there is when you're married.

1699
00:47:09,793 --> 00:47:11,701
So I feel like that would've been so

1700
00:47:11,701 --> 00:47:13,771
helpful for me to understand of just

1701
00:47:13,771 --> 00:47:15,795
like, this is kind of a one time thing.

1702
00:47:16,275 --> 00:47:17,055
You know, this.

1703
00:47:17,055 --> 00:47:18,818
And like if you wanna get pregnant,

1704
00:47:18,818 --> 00:47:20,198
whatever the birth of your first

1705
00:47:20,198 --> 00:47:21,145
child, like, I feel like those are

1706
00:47:21,145 --> 00:47:23,155
kinda the two main first things.

1707
00:47:23,155 --> 00:47:24,355
And then after that, people

1708
00:47:24,355 --> 00:47:26,215
leave you alone in a way.

1709
00:47:26,451 --> 00:47:28,281
And so just to know like if you're

1710
00:47:28,281 --> 00:47:29,871
feeling a lot of pressure, you can like

1711
00:47:29,961 --> 00:47:32,628
chill because there's nothing like this,

1712
00:47:32,628 --> 00:47:34,458
I think other than funerals, you know?

1713
00:47:34,703 --> 00:47:35,198
Yes.

1714
00:47:35,475 --> 00:47:36,395
other things like that.

1715
00:47:36,395 --> 00:47:37,575
But even then, you're not the

1716
00:47:37,575 --> 00:47:39,165
center of it a lot of times.

1717
00:47:39,165 --> 00:47:39,615
So

1718
00:47:39,885 --> 00:47:40,161
yeah.

1719
00:47:40,431 --> 00:47:42,841
This is your time for it to be about you.

1720
00:47:42,841 --> 00:47:44,401
You can be a little selfish.

1721
00:47:44,605 --> 00:47:45,360
And yeah.

1722
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:46,470
Kind of block out the extra

1723
00:47:46,521 --> 00:47:48,813
it will be over, you know?

1724
00:47:49,113 --> 00:47:49,173
Yes.

1725
00:47:49,173 --> 00:47:50,403
But I agree with what you're saying.

1726
00:47:50,403 --> 00:47:52,686
Like it totally is a precursor for

1727
00:47:52,686 --> 00:47:56,136
things and magnifies your dynamic.

1728
00:47:56,336 --> 00:47:57,143
Yes.

1729
00:47:57,326 --> 00:47:58,556
A lot of, lot of personalities

1730
00:47:58,556 --> 00:47:59,666
and thoughts and opinions

1731
00:47:59,666 --> 00:48:01,196
coming in on this, one day.

1732
00:48:01,196 --> 00:48:01,886
That's Yeah.

1733
00:48:02,070 --> 00:48:03,390
can make or break sometimes.

1734
00:48:03,390 --> 00:48:03,480
Yeah.

1735
00:48:03,816 --> 00:48:04,630
But do what you want.

1736
00:48:04,843 --> 00:48:05,193
Yes.

1737
00:48:05,426 --> 00:48:05,976
Do what you want.

1738
00:48:06,276 --> 00:48:09,070
this says, mother-in-law shared a video

1739
00:48:09,070 --> 00:48:12,520
of Karen's ruining weddings as a joke

1740
00:48:12,710 --> 00:48:15,173
and said it was a warning from her words.

1741
00:48:15,233 --> 00:48:15,833
I don't know how that.

1742
00:48:16,086 --> 00:48:17,603
Mother-in-law shared a video of

1743
00:48:17,603 --> 00:48:19,403
Karen's ruining weddings as a

1744
00:48:19,403 --> 00:48:21,549
joke and a warning from her words.

1745
00:48:21,549 --> 00:48:21,759
Yeah.

1746
00:48:21,759 --> 00:48:23,079
So she said it as like a warning.

1747
00:48:23,373 --> 00:48:23,979
What?

1748
00:48:26,349 --> 00:48:27,879
So basically saying, if you don't do

1749
00:48:27,879 --> 00:48:30,639
what I say, I can ruin your wedding.

1750
00:48:30,909 --> 00:48:32,789
Oh gosh.

1751
00:48:32,789 --> 00:48:34,199
That is so mean.

1752
00:48:34,259 --> 00:48:35,789
Did you see there was this

1753
00:48:35,789 --> 00:48:37,173
thing that went viral.

1754
00:48:37,173 --> 00:48:39,123
Someone just tagged me in on TikTok.

1755
00:48:39,330 --> 00:48:42,136
This girl shared a picture or like

1756
00:48:42,136 --> 00:48:43,936
a video of all her invitations in

1757
00:48:43,936 --> 00:48:45,943
a bucket of dirty water and said,

1758
00:48:46,063 --> 00:48:48,383
thanks to my mother-in-law, oh wait,

1759
00:48:48,413 --> 00:48:50,346
no, I didn't see that the water was

1760
00:48:50,346 --> 00:48:51,516
dirty because it was all the ink.

1761
00:48:51,516 --> 00:48:53,279
She already had pre-addressed all

1762
00:48:53,279 --> 00:48:55,476
these invitations in envelopes, and

1763
00:48:55,476 --> 00:48:56,856
the mother-in-law threw them in water

1764
00:48:57,006 --> 00:48:58,266
because they weren't what she wanted, or

1765
00:48:58,266 --> 00:48:59,766
she didn't want the wedding to happen.

1766
00:48:59,980 --> 00:49:01,529
It was like going viral on TikTok.

1767
00:49:01,529 --> 00:49:02,129
And people were like, can

1768
00:49:02,129 --> 00:49:03,299
you make a story about this?

1769
00:49:03,299 --> 00:49:04,196
And I was like, let me

1770
00:49:04,196 --> 00:49:05,426
gather some thoughts.

1771
00:49:05,516 --> 00:49:06,206
That's.

1772
00:49:06,783 --> 00:49:07,143
Terrible.

1773
00:49:07,203 --> 00:49:08,523
Oh my gosh, that is so

1774
00:49:08,523 --> 00:49:09,213
awful.

1775
00:49:09,348 --> 00:49:10,713
Do you, that is so awful.

1776
00:49:10,743 --> 00:49:12,813
Is that someone that just can't

1777
00:49:13,030 --> 00:49:14,619
deal with their emotions or can't

1778
00:49:14,679 --> 00:49:16,319
communicate, or hasn't been told?

1779
00:49:16,319 --> 00:49:17,129
No, maybe.

1780
00:49:17,384 --> 00:49:17,793
Yeah.

1781
00:49:17,793 --> 00:49:21,466
So the like term is enmeshment.

1782
00:49:21,526 --> 00:49:23,896
They're enmeshed, which means

1783
00:49:23,896 --> 00:49:25,646
they're fused, like, when it comes to

1784
00:49:25,646 --> 00:49:27,965
relationships, there's only one truth.

1785
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:30,323
Like there's right or wrong, and

1786
00:49:30,323 --> 00:49:32,693
both people have to see it that way.

1787
00:49:32,981 --> 00:49:34,730
Whereas, they need to learn

1788
00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:36,353
what's called differentiation.

1789
00:49:36,427 --> 00:49:38,363
Like, hey, my kid is their own person.

1790
00:49:38,363 --> 00:49:39,473
They're making their own

1791
00:49:39,473 --> 00:49:41,423
choices and their own life.

1792
00:49:41,453 --> 00:49:42,933
And it doesn't have to be

1793
00:49:42,933 --> 00:49:45,033
the same as what I would do.

1794
00:49:45,227 --> 00:49:45,737
Mm. Or I

1795
00:49:45,737 --> 00:49:46,727
don't have to approve.

1796
00:49:46,727 --> 00:49:48,347
They have full autonomy and

1797
00:49:48,347 --> 00:49:50,477
agency to do what they need to do.

1798
00:49:50,763 --> 00:49:52,932
And so there's definitely a component of

1799
00:49:52,932 --> 00:49:55,002
not being able to regulate emotionally.

1800
00:49:55,002 --> 00:49:57,248
There's the component of being,

1801
00:49:57,318 --> 00:49:59,058
not really having boundaries.

1802
00:49:59,332 --> 00:49:59,962
there's a lot.

1803
00:49:59,962 --> 00:50:01,822
I mean, not, again, not to pathologize

1804
00:50:01,822 --> 00:50:03,742
people and 'cause I don't know all

1805
00:50:03,742 --> 00:50:06,082
the context behind these things, but

1806
00:50:06,345 --> 00:50:09,085
definitely parents that get upset at

1807
00:50:09,085 --> 00:50:12,025
their children's decisions, there is

1808
00:50:12,259 --> 00:50:14,979
a level of enmeshment between them.

1809
00:50:15,289 --> 00:50:16,032
Interesting.

1810
00:50:16,122 --> 00:50:16,452
Wow.

1811
00:50:16,769 --> 00:50:17,932
I don't know how some of

1812
00:50:17,932 --> 00:50:19,532
these people get through.

1813
00:50:19,745 --> 00:50:22,325
I know position, I just can't.

1814
00:50:22,609 --> 00:50:24,070
Imagine being treated that way.

1815
00:50:24,310 --> 00:50:24,820
Yeah.

1816
00:50:25,087 --> 00:50:25,567
awesome.

1817
00:50:25,777 --> 00:50:27,907
Okay, well that's all I have for, oh my

1818
00:50:27,907 --> 00:50:30,264
gosh, thank you so much for coming on.

1819
00:50:30,264 --> 00:50:31,944
It was so great chatting with you

1820
00:50:31,944 --> 00:50:33,444
and hearing a different perspective

1821
00:50:33,444 --> 00:50:35,504
on some of these things that we see.

1822
00:50:35,809 --> 00:50:36,864
Thank you for having me.

1823
00:50:36,864 --> 00:50:38,347
This was really fun and different.

1824
00:50:38,347 --> 00:50:39,427
just, I talk about this stuff

1825
00:50:39,427 --> 00:50:42,012
in such a serious way, and so

1826
00:50:42,012 --> 00:50:43,182
this was really light and fun.

1827
00:50:43,182 --> 00:50:44,202
I really enjoyed it.

1828
00:50:44,322 --> 00:50:44,472
Oh, good.

1829
00:50:44,472 --> 00:50:45,252
Thank you again.

1830
00:50:45,342 --> 00:50:45,702
Yeah.

1831
00:50:45,949 --> 00:50:46,122
Yeah.

1832
00:50:46,122 --> 00:50:47,742
Well, can you tell everyone again

1833
00:50:47,742 --> 00:50:48,852
where they can follow you, find

1834
00:50:48,852 --> 00:50:50,322
your content, and then what kind

1835
00:50:50,322 --> 00:50:51,372
of things you're working on and

1836
00:50:51,372 --> 00:50:52,422
what kind of things you share?

1837
00:50:52,740 --> 00:50:53,220
Yeah.

1838
00:50:53,333 --> 00:50:56,423
you can find me on TikTok, Instagram and

1839
00:50:56,423 --> 00:50:58,953
YouTube under the handle codependency.

1840
00:50:59,073 --> 00:51:00,873
Kate, KATE.

1841
00:51:01,123 --> 00:51:02,203
what am I working on?

1842
00:51:02,203 --> 00:51:02,713
I don't know.

1843
00:51:02,713 --> 00:51:05,620
I'm just having fun posting and,

1844
00:51:05,843 --> 00:51:07,340
just still learning about my

1845
00:51:07,340 --> 00:51:09,380
community and what the needs are

1846
00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:11,480
and just doing fun things like this.

1847
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:12,620
I did start a podcast,

1848
00:51:12,620 --> 00:51:14,240
it's called The Gray Area.

1849
00:51:14,420 --> 00:51:14,810
Oh, fun.

1850
00:51:14,810 --> 00:51:15,260
Where?

1851
00:51:15,320 --> 00:51:16,910
Yeah, where like, so I post a

1852
00:51:16,910 --> 00:51:18,830
lot of educational stuff and my

1853
00:51:18,830 --> 00:51:21,580
podcast is where I just elaborate.

1854
00:51:21,580 --> 00:51:23,110
It's just like long form.

1855
00:51:23,323 --> 00:51:25,837
I literally just started it and I am

1856
00:51:25,837 --> 00:51:28,480
doing it just by myself and I, I didn't

1857
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:30,520
realize I could yap the way I do.

1858
00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:33,010
I've literally like for 45 minutes to

1859
00:51:33,010 --> 00:51:34,779
an hour can just talk about something.

1860
00:51:34,779 --> 00:51:35,889
I had no idea.

1861
00:51:36,079 --> 00:51:37,332
I've always been curious, like

1862
00:51:37,332 --> 00:51:38,802
I wonder if I could just go.

1863
00:51:39,090 --> 00:51:40,500
how long I would talk.

1864
00:51:40,535 --> 00:51:40,710
Yeah.

1865
00:51:40,710 --> 00:51:42,507
And anyway, that's on my profile.

1866
00:51:42,507 --> 00:51:42,987
You're sign up now?

1867
00:51:43,647 --> 00:51:45,087
I'm literally, yeah.

1868
00:51:45,404 --> 00:51:47,114
so that's what I'm doing.

1869
00:51:47,144 --> 00:51:47,414
Yeah.

1870
00:51:47,504 --> 00:51:47,864
Now.

1871
00:51:48,092 --> 00:51:48,777
Awesome.

1872
00:51:48,965 --> 00:51:49,374
Well, very cool.

1873
00:51:49,374 --> 00:51:50,707
I feel like a lot of times our,

1874
00:51:50,707 --> 00:51:52,267
content can like cross over, like

1875
00:51:52,267 --> 00:51:53,527
you can be like the more, more

1876
00:51:54,097 --> 00:51:56,264
serious and educational for Yes.

1877
00:51:56,594 --> 00:51:57,524
I like education.

1878
00:51:57,524 --> 00:51:57,884
Yeah.

1879
00:51:57,974 --> 00:51:58,334
Yeah.

1880
00:51:58,452 --> 00:51:59,384
Because I feel like a lot of people have

1881
00:51:59,384 --> 00:52:00,614
que, you know, they hear these stories and

1882
00:52:00,614 --> 00:52:02,530
they have questions about it, or, brides

1883
00:52:02,530 --> 00:52:03,940
will reach out and be like, this is what

1884
00:52:03,940 --> 00:52:06,165
I'm currently dealing with or I can give

1885
00:52:06,165 --> 00:52:07,575
advice from a professional standpoint.

1886
00:52:07,575 --> 00:52:09,065
I just can say like, this is

1887
00:52:09,065 --> 00:52:10,505
what I've seen in these stories.

1888
00:52:10,505 --> 00:52:10,895
Yes.

1889
00:52:10,895 --> 00:52:11,225
Yeah.

1890
00:52:11,230 --> 00:52:11,420
So,

1891
00:52:11,689 --> 00:52:13,039
well, and that's valid too, your

1892
00:52:13,039 --> 00:52:14,569
experience with these stories.

1893
00:52:14,569 --> 00:52:14,899
So.

1894
00:52:15,253 --> 00:52:17,499
Not to think that, you have to have

1895
00:52:17,559 --> 00:52:19,539
formal training to be able to answer.

1896
00:52:19,539 --> 00:52:21,549
But yeah, I'm always happy to provide

1897
00:52:21,549 --> 00:52:23,349
the educational component because

1898
00:52:23,349 --> 00:52:25,801
there people, from what I've learned,

1899
00:52:25,801 --> 00:52:27,871
are shocked to find out these things

1900
00:52:27,871 --> 00:52:30,181
have names and these are issues,

1901
00:52:30,190 --> 00:52:31,921
you know, I'll post a video about

1902
00:52:31,921 --> 00:52:33,488
this and people are like, oh my

1903
00:52:33,488 --> 00:52:35,558
gosh, this is my exact situation.

1904
00:52:35,558 --> 00:52:37,091
And there's, you know, 10,000 other

1905
00:52:37,091 --> 00:52:38,771
people that feel the same way.

1906
00:52:39,187 --> 00:52:42,350
it's just so family systems is super

1907
00:52:42,350 --> 00:52:43,880
fun to educate people about and it

1908
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:45,740
can be very validating for people

1909
00:52:45,740 --> 00:52:47,900
struggling in these situations.

1910
00:52:48,170 --> 00:52:48,500
Yeah.

1911
00:52:48,500 --> 00:52:49,310
I think that's one of the most

1912
00:52:49,310 --> 00:52:50,570
beautiful things about social

1913
00:52:50,570 --> 00:52:51,830
media is that we're able to

1914
00:52:51,830 --> 00:52:53,120
connect on those things like, yeah.

1915
00:52:53,630 --> 00:52:54,777
I saw someone say once like,

1916
00:52:54,807 --> 00:52:56,187
oh, my algorithm's spot on.

1917
00:52:56,187 --> 00:52:57,507
'cause it'll be like a video about

1918
00:52:57,507 --> 00:52:59,223
like someone with like a D, H, D

1919
00:52:59,223 --> 00:53:00,363
and anxiety and you're like, oh my

1920
00:53:00,363 --> 00:53:01,653
gosh, wait, I have those things.

1921
00:53:01,653 --> 00:53:02,643
Wait, I do those things.

1922
00:53:02,643 --> 00:53:04,420
Or it just allows you to connect and

1923
00:53:04,420 --> 00:53:06,040
see that you're not alone in something

1924
00:53:06,040 --> 00:53:07,960
or someone totally in the situation.

1925
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:08,230
And,

1926
00:53:08,493 --> 00:53:09,393
it's so valid.

1927
00:53:09,393 --> 00:53:10,923
It can be such a relief and so

1928
00:53:10,923 --> 00:53:12,813
validating for people that don't

1929
00:53:12,813 --> 00:53:15,333
have access to therapy or like

1930
00:53:15,453 --> 00:53:17,283
support, extra support like that.

1931
00:53:17,434 --> 00:53:19,027
I literally got a message from someone

1932
00:53:19,027 --> 00:53:22,147
yesterday from like Gambia Africa.

1933
00:53:22,324 --> 00:53:22,360
Wow.

1934
00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:23,110
And they're like, yeah, we don't

1935
00:53:23,110 --> 00:53:24,640
have access to therapy here, so

1936
00:53:24,640 --> 00:53:26,020
I really appreciate your content.

1937
00:53:26,020 --> 00:53:28,030
I'm like, oh my God, this is so cool.

1938
00:53:29,110 --> 00:53:29,980
I didn't know.

1939
00:53:30,217 --> 00:53:30,438
Yeah.

1940
00:53:30,443 --> 00:53:30,673
Yeah.

1941
00:53:30,807 --> 00:53:32,073
our world's getting more accepting

1942
00:53:32,073 --> 00:53:33,653
of therapy and talking about it being

1943
00:53:33,653 --> 00:53:35,339
like, Hey, yes, I go to therapy and I,

1944
00:53:35,591 --> 00:53:37,239
but like that wasn't always the case.

1945
00:53:37,239 --> 00:53:37,329
Right.

1946
00:53:37,329 --> 00:53:38,469
And I'm sure you saw too, it

1947
00:53:38,469 --> 00:53:40,089
was more of like a hush hush

1948
00:53:40,089 --> 00:53:41,169
thing like, oh, I go to therapy.

1949
00:53:41,659 --> 00:53:42,289
You are worried about what

1950
00:53:42,289 --> 00:53:43,519
people are gonna think about you.

1951
00:53:43,524 --> 00:53:43,644
Mm-hmm.

1952
00:53:43,722 --> 00:53:45,259
And so I think for those that are

1953
00:53:45,259 --> 00:53:47,029
still kind of like scared of therapy

1954
00:53:47,029 --> 00:53:48,049
or like they don't know if they wanna

1955
00:53:48,049 --> 00:53:49,536
do it, social media's a great way

1956
00:53:49,536 --> 00:53:50,783
of opening that door being like, it

1957
00:53:50,783 --> 00:53:52,463
really is, wait, this is helpful.

1958
00:53:52,523 --> 00:53:53,098
Oh, this is cool.

1959
00:53:53,098 --> 00:53:53,298
Yeah.

1960
00:53:53,303 --> 00:53:54,833
Wait, I can talk to someone and

1961
00:53:54,833 --> 00:53:56,770
like, get empowered or learn

1962
00:53:56,770 --> 00:53:58,210
about myself or, yeah.

1963
00:53:58,450 --> 00:53:58,810
That's great.

1964
00:53:58,810 --> 00:54:01,240
Like be listened to and just

1965
00:54:01,240 --> 00:54:03,130
even explore my own thoughts.

1966
00:54:03,130 --> 00:54:04,923
Like I just think that therapy all

1967
00:54:04,923 --> 00:54:06,663
it is, is just creating space for

1968
00:54:06,663 --> 00:54:08,853
you to kind of come out and learn

1969
00:54:08,853 --> 00:54:10,143
about yourself, like you said.

1970
00:54:10,143 --> 00:54:10,623
So

1971
00:54:10,866 --> 00:54:11,316
yeah,

1972
00:54:11,496 --> 00:54:12,006
it's great.

1973
00:54:12,006 --> 00:54:12,276
Yeah.

1974
00:54:12,441 --> 00:54:12,731
Yeah.

1975
00:54:12,846 --> 00:54:13,326
Love that.

1976
00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:13,896
Awesome.

1977
00:54:13,896 --> 00:54:15,336
Well thank you again for coming on.

1978
00:54:15,336 --> 00:54:16,686
I had a great time chatting with you.

1979
00:54:16,686 --> 00:54:16,956
Me too.

1980
00:54:17,466 --> 00:54:18,186
Thanks again.

1981
00:54:18,186 --> 00:54:18,336
Thanks.