>> Julia: Welcome to Things I Wish I Knew, the podcast from Thinking

Faith, a work of the Jesuits in Britain. I'm

Julia. I'm in my early 30s and I used to live in a

Jesuit young adult community. We all live

hectic lives and often don't get time to reflect on

what's happening both to us and around us.

This podcast is meant to help you to take a moment to stop

and to think about where you are, where. Where you're going

and where your relationship with God fits into it all.

Every week, I'll meet a new guest who tells me about something they

experienced which has changed their lives forever

by talking about the things they wish they'd known at the time. We'll

explore the idea that God is in all things. And we'll

talk about the part that faith plays in navigating life

challenges.

So today I was speaking to Delphine and Delphine

is talking about her experience of dating. And, what

I loved about this episode is how she talked about the

importance of loving yourself, which is something that I

think was so often forgot in modern society.

So, Delphine, how long have you been dating?

>> Delphine: Gosh. I mean, I had my first boyfriend when I was,

like, 17, so a long time, almost

20 years. That kind of actually makes me feel a bit

sick.

>> Julia: So do you think 17 is too young to have a boyfriend, then?

>> Delphine: I do, personally, yeah. Because again, I wasn't dating

with intention. It was very much this point of

I. I just wanted the attention, the validation.

it felt like a cool thing. Everyone was getting coupled up

at college and, yeah, it was really

that whole concept of like, falling in love, like you just fell

into something. There was no, prior thought about it

and it definitely wasn't dating for marriage because I wasn't

ready at that time. So, yeah, it was very much more of

just like getting stuck in that social scene and it being

like a status symbol. Like, I just feel like

at that point in your kind of later teenage years, everyone's like, when are you going to get

a boyfriend? And, yeah, the social pressure

around that is a lot.

>> Julia: I actually remember at 16 or 17, watching a TV

programme and on the TV programme, them saying, if you

haven't had a boyfriend by the time you're 16, then there's

something wrong with you. And that was. I think it was that wedding or something

weird. And I remember being taken really back about that.

So I imagine if you'd heard that, you'd have had a similar experience.

>> Delphine: Absolutely. And it was just so normalised and so

desensitised. That actually like entering a relationship when you really

don't understand what a relationship is, when you don't know

the definition of love, which I certainly didn't, was

just so premature and yeah, led to a lot of

trauma, a lot of teenage drama as well.

>> Julia: So now, 20 years later, as you said,

not me, almost 20 years later,

what approach to dating do you take now? Do you like

go looking in person or do you go online?

>> Delphine: So actually I put myself on a dating fast for a

couple of years, recently. And the reason I did that is

because I think when I first came back to my

Catholic faith and suddenly, you know, I was reading Theology of the

Body and all these amazing things, understanding that

love is to, you know, will the good of another. I was a

little bit obsessed with love. I was like, oh my gosh, I just love love.

And now that I know the meaning, and especially I've been really

blessed because my church community is so full

of amazing families and couples and I was like, I want

that. And I realised that I was idolising

marriage. So while like pre,

reversion, I just didn't have a clue what I was really

doing. It was very much fumbling through a dating life

that I think I became so hyper focused

that it became actually quite unhealthy. And I wasn't

actually going forward with

intention. I was still in that peer

pressure just from a Catholic standpoint, you know, like,

why are you in your 30s and you're not married? And

it was a really difficult time where I just felt

under so much pressure and I don't think I was actually

dating with intention. So then had this dating fast

which was really good for me because I think it was

me saying to God, everyone is telling me this is

crazy, like, you know, you're in your 30s, you really need to settle

down. But I wanted to kind of turn to

God and say, I trust in your timing, I trust in

your path for me and I'm not going to force

this anymore. So I, you know, no online dating,

no dating apps, no going to events just in

case I might meet someone. It was very much like,

you know what, I just want to live a great full life. I'm going to

go to something if it interests me and I'm going

to lean into my own hobbies, my own kind of self care.

And that was really healthy for me because

I think I fell in love with myself for the first time

ever.

>> Julia: That is such a good place to be in. I was just thinking as you

were speaking. There's quite often that Catholic stereotype

that maybe more on young women than young men,

but they go to events to meet their husband

and they believe they're just going to walk into a room and they're

going to find him, they're going to, like, look across the room,

their eyes are going to match and meet

even, and then they're going to fall in love and then they're going

to get married six months later. and

I remember talking to actually quite a few Catholic female

friends as well about that and thinking

that isn't that healthy attitude to have, actually,

if you think about it.

>> Delphine: It's actually objectification. And I think for me,

that was really hard to understand because physical

objectific is really clear and I understand that it's very

black and white, but I don't think we realise how much

we can objectify someone emotionally or just. Yeah,

exactly. Like, I want to be married. And then you go into an event, you're like,

that guy's so cute. Oh, my gosh, is he my husband? Oh, look at the way he

offered me pizza or opened the door for me. And then all

of a sudden, it's like, instead of waiting to see and to

uncover and discover, like, that man,

you're just having this crazy monologue in your mind

where you're like, is this him? Oh, like, I'm wearing blue and he's wearing blue,

so it must be, you know, that is meant to be.

And I think that, you know, there's this whole phrase of, like,

emotional chastity. But I, really do see

that that whole element of just seeing men as

potential husbands actually does have a really

negative impact. And. And it makes us all

a bit weird in these social situations where I think there can be

social awkwardness and just so much pressure, where

you feel like you're sizing each other up, rather than just

having a heart of receptivity, going

openly and just being like, you know what? I just want to make some new

friendships, some new connections. So, yeah, I

completely agree with you.

>> Julia: So let's take a step back and think about when you

became Catholic. What was that moment for you?

>> Delphine: I think I had this real moment where I was

like, oh, wow, I've been doing all of

this completely wrong. Like, I felt like I've been

swimming against the current and I've been making life really

hard on me, and not just in my romantic relationships

and the way I was, you know, valuing myself. Like,

I was very much, addicted to toxic

productivity. I saw My value in what I did, not who I

was. I was all about really like feeling.

So, you know, it was like, oh, how? Well, you know, how do I

feel with this person? Rather than anything logic or reason

or really vision or values based. So

I think I kind of was like, oh God, this

is an amazing manual for life that I just have

not been following. So I think I had this real

moment of just, oh dear, I've been doing this

and approaching this quite wrong. Which was really

refreshing but also terrifying just because I was like, I

don't know how to approach things like this and how to

you know, even like, dressing

femininely but modestly or like understanding

about modesty of heart and, and these concepts. I

was just like, this is so alien to me. Like I grew up

on all of the rom coms. So like my vision

of, yeah, just like life and career

and everything. I think I felt this moment of feeling a

little bit robbed. Like I was like, I've just not been living in

the full truth. So there was some

sadness I think, and sorry there. But also excitement of

like, okay, now I begin.

>> Julia: So how did that change your approach to dating?

>> Delphine: It changed everything for me. So like, I started

putting in place like a few kind of like

boundaries that were self imposed just because of my own,

history and just my knowledge of myself, you know. So like really

trying to ensure that I have a

solid foundation of friendship before really thinking

of anything else. because I think secular dating

or worldly dating, it can be very, especially if you meet someone

on an app. There's no,

opportunity to just be friends because you've

really met in this very much like you're single, I'm single, We want

a relationship. So I wanted to get a little bit away

from checklist dating. I wanted to get away from,

really going towards feelings as well, like

just being led by that. And I think something

that modern dating's gotten really wrong is using

physical affection to build an emotional

connection. It's like the wrong order of things.

So that was something I was very conscious of as well.

And yeah, I mean, honestly like learning

the definition of love blew my mind because I was

like, oh, it's to will the good of another,

to like want. They're good almost, you

know, above my own. And I was like, that's just not

how I've been approaching it because before I think it was from a very selfish

place of, well, I like having a boyfriend and it's very

convenient. You know, you can go to restaurants and you can Try two

dishes instead of one. And all these kind of things that,

you know, in so many ways, relationships are very

naturally, a lovely thing to be in. So it's.

No, it's, you know, no wonder that

obviously the world does gravitate towards trying

to force it quite quickly. But, yeah,

so I think it just changed everything, my whole approach.

>> Julia: What do you think modern dating can learn

from what you've learned through the Catholic values

and through that definition of love?

>> Delphine: Yeah. So I read a book that I think is

from, like, the 1930s or something. It was given to me by

an amazing family at church. It's called Family Life

by Father Anselm Viano. And in it, and this

is written by a priest, he talks about the four components of, like, a

success, successful relationship, a successful marriage. And

it was really good for me to read because I think one

thing that I maybe was a bit misled

about when I was learning about love, in

theory, was that love is a choice. I was

very much like, I loved reading Three To Get Married by Fulton

Sheen. And in it he talks about love is a choice and something that you

choose every day. And in that, I thought, okay, I can

just choose to love someone, like, you know, not necessarily

need that attraction or that spark, which I think the modern world

really places such a heavy value on.

>> Julia: But.

>> Delphine: But then I realised that I'd actually missed. In that book,

Fulton Sheen actually says, like, there is a mystery that

presupposes the choice. Like, there is something

that's going to draw you to that person, that's going to gravitate you to that

person. And in the book Family Life

of Father, Anselm, you know, the four components are

he does include passion and he includes emotional

attraction, which I love. And then he says

conviction and suitability. So for me,

it's like, you know, the modern dating world is very much

about, like, how does this person make you feel? Like, do you have the

spark? Are you, you know, do you have chemistry? While

this book is really saying, like, yes, chemistry is important,

but do you share the same values? Do you share the

same vision for your life? Like, are you suitable? And

also, are you convicted? Do you want the same? Because

I think a lot of modern dating, it's about,

maintaining your kind of pride. So you

never act eager or keen. You never actually

say that. I really actually like you. And I see, you know, I'm

dating for marriage. That would be, like, terrible to say in

the modern dating era because it's too much pressure

and it's like, it's just not a cool thing. You know, you need to play hard to

get. You need to be, detached. And I do agree

with being detached from the outcome. I think that is good.

But I think when people are playing it too cool and they're playing

these games, you know, so many dating coaches there,

you know, saying all these, like, tactics for the beginning

of texting relationships, you're training someone,

to communicate with you in a style that isn't sustainable.

So I think that, what the Catholic faith has

really shown me is that you are very upfront about

your values and your vision. And, yes, you try and find someone

that you have that attraction to, but that everything

else is holistic. And reading that from a

priest, I was like, oh, thank you. Yes. Because,

that was definitely something I struggled with slightly, like, oh, do I need to

be attracted to my spouse if he's a wonderful man and he's

a good man of God? And that was something, I think was an

overcorrection on my part from coming

from secular dating, which can be very much led

only on that kind of physicality. And, the attraction

part, I mean.

>> Julia: I was just thinking about. Attraction is great, as

you've said, but if you want to have a marriage

that lasts 50 years long, there's got to be something

more there because eventually looks

fade in any way that they

do when you get older. So, yeah, there's got to be.

There's definitely got to be something more there than just the physical attraction.

>> Delphine: That's why I loved the term, emotional attraction. I had never

actually heard that. And that's why online dating

really doesn't do that justice. Because sometimes there's going to be a

guy who might not be your physical type, your kind

of, like, usual type, but he's got a certain swag or

he's funny, or he's really kind or he's really generous

and you're like, oh, I feel, you know, I'm feeling some

feelings. And, you know, they do say for women, it can

take us up to three dates to realise if we do find

someone attracted, attractive, live,

because we are so run by, you know, how

does this man, does he make me feel safe? And, you know, is he.

Is he nice to others? Is he, you know, potentially a good

provider and all these kind of things. So

definitely. I know that attraction isn't like, be all and

end all, but I like that there is an element of

acknowledging that it's a gift from God

to be attracted to your spouse. And that attraction is gonna

you know, evolve over time as well.

>> Julia: Definitely. I was just thinking about somebody I went on a date

with and I saw them treat somebody not very nicely

and then all of the attraction to them disappeared.

you'll be glad to know it's not the person I'm dating right now.

>> Julia: One of the things I find or have found with

dating online, is older

generations and their kind of judgement of me,

in that they, they found somebody in their church

or in university or wherever.

So they found a person in. In person and

they don't really understand why

now everybody goes on online dating in. Because

they're just like, oh, can. Can you not find a nice boy at church or something?

have you found that, as well?

>> Delphine: Yeah, I think generationally it's, it's quite wild. I

know one of my best friend's parents, they met at a bus stop

and what are the chances that someone's going to talk to you at a bus stop now? You know,

we're all in our phones. People have these like, wireless

headphones. It's just not a sociable space anymore.

And we live very isolated lives. We're

no longer in the villages, we no longer have these

communities. And for me that's something that I think is so

incredibly sad. And you know, I, I run a

befriending charity exactly for this because I see

the older generation are, like, where has our community

gone? And you know, we, we try to,

bring together people with, do. To like, get these older

people out in their local green spaces. A lot of them don't

even know where their local parks are because they've not had a reason to

go. And I feel the same with the church in the sense

of, you know, we really should be dating in

community. Like, I'm all for

matchmaking, so I love that, you know, because we're

not. It's quite amazing. Even in London

with like the young adult community, if you're not going

to specific churches, you can meet m. Miss a whole

cohort of people. So if you start having different friends and

then they start thinking, oh, I met this person who I think think you'd

actually get on with. I would love to see more of

that culture because I think it's really healthy and I think we

all in a way idolise the. Did you meet in real life?

that kind of origin story. However, like, I've

been to some amazing Catholic weddings where they met and it's like,

how did you meet? It's like hinge, which I know isn't even

a Christian dating app. But so I

do see the older generation, they, they're a little bit

perplexed because they're just like, you guys are just living behind your

screens. And of course it does seem a bit like shopping

list D. and I do think 2D profiles

are so hard to get a real

feel for that person. And I think people can have such

bad dating fatigue, and indecision

because yeah, I, I didn't have

much luck online so I didn't really try for very long because

I found I was becoming too

like, if it's the right word, like scrupulous. I was like, okay, he

ticks these boxes, but not this. Oh, do I actually meet him? And I actually

just found the concept exhausting because it's like

you could potentially go on a coffee date every single day.

And emotionally, when you go on a date

that doesn't go well, it's really hard.

And sometimes you can just be like, well, maybe, God, this isn't my

vocation. And I'm putting all this

time into dating, which can feel like a job.

So I think that there's like a healthy balance.

But yeah, definitely that generation, they don't get it.

And you know, because they did live more in community and I'd like to see

that re emerge in our digital age.

>> Julia: And also it's about the. If

you don't understand how dating, online

dating works, you don't understand that a lot of effort goes

into like the pre date. Like

you have to chat for quite a while with a person, getting

to know them before you can even go on an actual

physical date with them. And that

takes so much effort. You'll remind me of two years ago of

how draining I found online dating and m. Just the relief

that I don't have to do it anymore.

>> Delphine: You're so blessed. But yeah, it takes so much

capacity. And I think that there can also be a

temptation to just not try at all.

>> Julia: Yeah.

>> Delphine: And to isolate yourself. I didn't realise that that actually

could be like a temptation. But it's true because it's

tiring and also the disappointment. You know, there's a

proverb that says hope deferred is so painful it makes the heart

sick. So, you know, if you're excited about a day, then you go and it was

like, oh, I didn't feel anything or he was really mean or

whatever it is. It's hard and I don't want to downplay

that. It is draining.

>> Julia: Yeah. I often talk about like

how I do a month on a time. So I'd like

go on a dating app for a month, chat to

a few people at once to make that month worthwhile,

meet, ah, up with maybe less than I was talking

to, and then at the end of it come back

having had some not great dates, and then just finding

it would be a couple more months before I'd even consider

online dating or any dating again. have you

had that challenge and how have you got through that challenge?

>> Delphine: I think I've never, I've actually not really done that

much online dating. maybe it's a generational thing because

when, I helped to co host a speed dating event

at the Oratory and for our like 20 to

30 cohort, it was so interesting because about, I

want to say, 75% of the women

there had never been asked out on a

date in real life. Like, they'd only ever been

asked out online. And I just thought, oh my gosh, where

have we gone to where people are only willing to take

the chance when it's a very explicit, like, I am

single, I'm on the dating app, I'm, you know, receptive

to being asked, you know, whatever happened to taking the chance

and just seeing someone and saying, you know, would you like to grab a coffee?

And I think that we have become so

allergic to rejection and that

we're not willing to take those chances anymore. So I do think

that, the online dating

scene, it seems like a safer way

and it seems like there's going to be more success rate as

well. But, yeah, I can see that. It

just, I mean, I think your strategy of

taking like a month on a month off is actually really good because you

have to refill your cup because otherwise it just,

it gamifies it a bit. And also, you

know, think about the dopamine receptors and all the ways that these

apps are designed for our brains to be

addicted. I do think it's really adorable because some of the

Christian dating apps, they have like a swiping limit.

So after like 10 swipes, you get Bible scripture,

like thrown at your screen. And I'm like, good, good for you. Because it just

reminds you, wow, every one of these persons, like,

is a soul, like, is an immortal soul. And I think

sometimes we can forget that.

>> Julia: because you were talking about the rejection and

quite often you were saying about women being

75% of women haven't been asked on an actual

date. So then the expectation is that

the man will ask the woman on the Date. But

can women ask men on the date?

>> Delphine: I mean, absolutely. They can. I'm a

big fan of dropping the hanky, which I love is

just like this Victorian term. But how can we do that in the modern

day in really, like, encouraging

men to make those ask and those invites. And

I do have a couple of friends who actually ask their

husbands out first, because sometimes men

can need a really, really clear green light to even have

the confidence to ask you for a coffee. And, you know, they

are having really happy and holy marriages.

I think for me, I would.

I really value a man, being very

intentional in pursuing me and also

being able to read kind of my signs that I'm like, I'm open

to being asked out, but I absolutely agree. I

don't think it needs to be that way. and I think we really need

to just raise a culture where it's more

normalised, to just encourage. But, you know, if,

like, women say, oh, did you see that amazing exhibition at

National Gallery? I'd love to go. It's like, not a

direct invite, but it's such a. Well, hopefully it's such a clear

hint. But then we're all women in this room, so maybe it's not.

>> Julia: My experience is that that's not a clear enough

hint. I would say it needs to be more explicit than

that.

>> Delphine: It's true, actually. A guy friend did say to me, he was like, you literally need to have

a flashing green light. And, like, hit me over the head with it.

So I do. So I see the benefits that

we as women can help to shift that culture as

well, to make it more irl.

>> Julia: So if I'm right, the drop in the hanky is coming back from

the Victorian times, where women would drop their

hanky in front of the

man they were interested in so that he would then notice her

and then he would proceed to then court her.

Is that right?

>> Delphine: I think it was more of a conversation opener.

So I suppose in those days, obviously, men and women didn't really

just speak, so it was like, oh, that's a potential.

Potential suitor. I will drop my hanky. Then he has an

opening, an entrance to talk to me. You know, like,

excuse me, miss, you dropped your hanky. And then all of a sudden you can open

a conversation. I don't know the history well enough to know if it

went straight from that to courtship, but hopefully it was

more just having that, that moment of entry of just like,

okay, we can have a conversation starter. And,

you know, for me, like, I'm such a Big proponent of, I

think dogs are great. I think dogs are great icebreakers. So it's

almost like that version you need like an icebreaker to just

help a conversation to come to be.

>> Julia: That's such a. I want to be like, what. How

can we help women drop the hanky?

That's. I feel like there's a, there's a whole,

like, event that could be around that as well. And also

give men the confidence to ask women out or

encourage women to ask men out.

>> Delphine: I, I actually asked, the men of my Instagram

that question. I was like, how can women drop the hanky? And this

was the first time I ventured on YouTube. I just thought I'd push that video

out. And it did really well because I guess people are really

interest in that. And the answers were very

much like, women just need to be so clear exactly

what you were hinting at before. So that was

interesting for me to hear because I think sometimes we try to be

poetic about dropping the hanky and like, cute about it, but we

just actually have to be so explicit, so

clear. Just like, yeah, make it really just like

obvious that, you know, you are open to being asked out.

>> Julia: I am just thinking of the men that I know in my life

who have been. We're going back to online dating, but it can

be not online, who have found

dating quite

mentally harming because,

they don't have the sense that women

are interested in them. And have you got any

thoughts on how they can have more confidence,

not even necessarily to ask a woman out, but just

that, that they can have more self belief. Because you earlier,

and I really loved it that you talked about, you

took your break from dating and then you found your

way to love yourself. And I feel like that's a part of

culture we don't have anymore, that quite often people

don't have that love for themselves. So how can

you. What's your advice to people to help them love

themselves a bit more?

>> Delphine: Yeah, I think with any kind of, you know, quote unquote

dating advice, it really does start by like living with

purpose and living on purpose. And

that actually doesn't have anything to do with dating.

Like having interests makes you interesting. It

gives you confidence. It's like if you're leaning into

the things that give you joy, you are building

this person in yourself that is, you know,

enjoyable to be around. And I like to

say that of course this season of waiting can be

incredibly painful and there can be some really dark

moments. But you should try to Build a life

for yourself where it's only interruptible

for the right person in the sense of, you know, you are having that

joy from community. You, you know, you really do feel

called to the vocation of family life. And you have children in your

life. Maybe they're nieces, maybe their nephews or friends,

children's God, children. You know, you're building

up this confidence through living

what you feel God is calling you to. Maybe that's you know, to,

to nurture, to love. And you're doing that in

other ways. So for me, you know, I found that in

volunte, you know, trying to be the best aunt I

can be in my God children in

creative pursuits. And I think it got to a point where I

was like actually this life, it's

okay even if this is it, I

can still have some really joyful moments. And that just gives

you a confidence and also it

rids you of this desperation that it's another person that's

going to make me happy. I think when you realise that

it's not another person that's going to do that,

it just gives you so much more confidence and self

worth and value and that is so hot and that's so

attractive. And you can see that in another person when

you meet them and you're like, wow, yeah, they're not

living the vocation that they thought they would

right now, but gosh, they're living a good life. And

so I really think, you know, maximise, optimise your

life. So it's as joy filled as you can make

it. Obviously within your control and

relying on God and God to really show you that your

inherent worth is there from the, from the

very fact that you exist.

>> Julia: How do you deal with rejection?

>> Delphine: I think seeing it as redirection is a lot

better. I've had loads of instances in my life where God

has had to very obviously just slam a door

in my face. And it felt so painful at the time.

But then like in hindsight you're like, okay, that made sense. That

was the right move, that was the right decision. That wasn't the right person.

I think it comes from a, a place of resilience and

humility to just be like, okay, like

it doesn't change my value, it doesn't change how much I love

myself. It doesn't change my self confidence. Of course

it's gonna, hurt. It's not gonna be like oh, that felt great. Like

rejection is painful and it stings. But I

think we need to be able to Rebound from it, like,

okay, that's fine. But again, like, it doesn't

change my value in God's eyes. It should not change

your value in your own eyes either. And there should be

like, an element of letting go of that because

unfortunately, we're human and maybe people are going to

gossip about it, maybe people are going to know about it. And,

yeah. So I think we really just need to be rooted

in our own self, love to be like, you know what? I took a chance,

I shot my shot and it didn't work this time.

But God's plan is greater and that's fine.

And also, in the grand scheme of things,

you'll be able to see. Like, I love this saying, I don't know who

said it, about how our lives are like this tapestry.

And the back of a tapestry just looks a mess. Like the threads are

everywhere. But then when you turn it around, it's something really beautiful. And I

like to think of that, anytime I just have a crazy mishap

in my life, I'm like, it's all right, because the thread, somewhere,

it's going to make sense. So, yeah, rejection, seeing it

as redirection, I think is a really positive mindset to have.

>> Julia: So where have you found God in your dating life?

>> Delphine: In my dating life, I think a lot of it, is

in understanding my own value and

knowing, like, okay, I'm a daughter of God. And

that almost being like the standard.

Because I think that's really helpful. Because then if someone, you know,

mistreats you or they're rude to you, it's like, well, that's

actually not okay. And I think that's a good way to

just have boundaries, I think, as well, like

having God at the centre. So, you know, praying. I have, a

sleeping St. Joseph statue by my bed. And

that's a devotion I have a lot. So, you know, if I do meet someone and I

feel excited about him, I'll Write, write

Sleeping St. Joseph A, letter. And I'll just say, you know, please help

me to be, you know, detached to the

outcome, but to also be very open if this is God's

will. And, you know, pray for this. And I think

that helps me have a more measured approach. And

it helps me feel like I'm dating in community, even

if it's with the communion of saints, because I'm asking for their

intercession and things. So that definitely has

just helped me to feel like I'm not alone. Because I think

that very beginning part of dating, where you're in a bit of a

bubble. It's like one to one, you don't really want to necessarily

introduce friends or family at that moment. It can be a

bit isolating. So I think having God to pray

about that dating journey is

yeah transformative.

>> Julia: And what hopes do you have for.

>> Delphine: The future, for the future of dating.

>> Julia: For your future, for future mind question

for you.

>> Delphine: Yeah, so I'm really starting to. I think

that I had a few times where I

thought oh this hasn't happened for me yet and it just might not not.

And I think because of that I was trying to convince myself maybe it's

not my vocation and maybe you know, I'm cool to be a

single layperson. And I realised that that

was coming from a place of self defence. Like I was just

kind of like I just want to say this and I'm going to be really public

about it so that if it doesn't happen it's not embarrassing, you

know, like it was intentional. And I think recently

I've actually been leaning more into. But the desire

is so strong and I just don't think God

would do that. Like I don't and I also don't think God

necessarily would put me in so many opportun to

talk about dating if I really was never going to have any

you know, very good expertise in it. So

I'm leaning more into just excitement

and like you know what, maybe it's going to happen at

50, maybe it's going to happen at 60. I don't know.

Like I literally don't know. And I give that to God and

I try to stop being so self reliant white

knuckling and being like. Because you know like every

birthday when you're single and you don't want to be is

painful. Like you wake up and you're like, like especially

when you're seeing your friends and they're, they're hitting all these

milestones, marriage, babies and you

know, you feel that lack. So I don't want to say it's not hard

but I think my hope for the future is just being

like okay God, I'm gonna work

with you on this but I'm not going to be

unnecessarily, you know, desperate for an

outcome. I just want to see yeah.

Where I'm going to be. But I think admitting that, that

it's okay to really say I really do want to be married and have

a family and I believe God is going to fulfil that promise.

>> Julia: So what what thing do you wish you knew before

you started dating?

>> Delphine: Oh, my gosh. So much. I really just wish I knew

that knowing

yourself is so incredibly

helpful when you start your dating journey. Because,

you know, it's one thing when you like someone and you enjoy being with

them, but if you really don't know what the vision is for your life, and

of course, that's good to change and evolve. And I

think faith is such a good grounding for that, because you

already just have a foundation of what it is. Because

the problem is, you know, in the past, I didn't truly know

my own convictions and my own values, so I didn't know what I stood

for. And that meant I didn't really know who

I was compatible with. So I think something I wish I

knew was, you know, that value system and then

dating from that place would have definitely,

saved me a lot of time, a lot of energy, and a lot of

heartbreak. So that's something I wish I could tell my

younger self and what I would love to tell young women

today.

>> Julia: And what are you most grateful for?

>> Delphine: I'm just so grateful for the gift of faith. Like, even though it came

to me a little bit later, it just

helps to be the compass for everything.

I think without that, it's really easy. You know, I used

to be a magazine journalist, and we would always talk about

these social trends, relationship trends, and it was

so easy to live in this very cyclical way

where you're just reactive, you know, you're just reacting

to everything rather than actually having a response that's

rooted in something, you know, that's

very tangibly objective and forever.

So, yeah, the gift of faith has been amazing.

>> Julia: Thanks for listening to Things I Wish I Knew. I know

this episode is going to stay with me because of the way that

Delphine talks about the need for emotional attraction

as well as physical attraction. I think quite often

in modern society, that need for physical

attraction comes first. But it just really resonated with me.

>> Delphine: Me.

>> Julia: How about you? We'd love to hear more about how

Delphine's story resonated with you. And why not also

tell us if you're facing an experience you wish you knew how to look

at differently, it might just be something we can help with.

And you can find out about this theme and others by going to

thinkingfaith.org. Thank you again for listening, and I hope

you'll join me again next time on Things I Wish I Knew.