This is a sand mandala. The entire structure is made of coloured sand.
The creation of sand mandalas is a cherished practice among Tibetan Buddhist monks. These
mandalas are usually enormous in size, incredibly complex in design,
and stunning to look at. When they’re finished, the monks then ritually destroy the mandalas.
The making of such a sand mandala usually takes a number of monks - sometimes up to
twenty - and anything from days to months to complete. While the monks
put their heart and soul into creating the mandala, they miss out on everything
else they could be doing with their time. And yet they never feel like they’re missing out.
In other words: why don’t the monks ever experience the fear of missing
out or FOMO? And how can we be more like them?
FOMO is a phenomenon that many - if not all - people experience when they
try to plan their time. When all your friends go to a party but you stay home,
when you didn’t get those concert tickets and now regret it, when a family member goes to
a certain country but you’re too busy with work to join… in all those cases you might feel as if
you’ve missed out. And if there’s a feeling most people hate, it’s missing out, or worse, being
left out. As a result, we often overstimulate ourselves by saying yes to too many activities,
spending too much money, and staying too busy in order to avoid ever missing out on anything.
The title "Buddha" means "the awakened one" or "the enlightened one." It was originally
assigned to Siddhartha Gautama, a spiritual teacher and philosopher whose teachings founded
Buddhism. Unlike many religions that focus on a God or afterlife, Buddhism emphasizes
self-improvement and living a meaningful life on Earth. Following Buddhist principles encourages
qualities such as gratitude, humility, and living in the present, all of which help prevent FOMO.
Those who truly incorporate buddhism into their lives will find that there is JOY in missing out,
rather than negativity. In this video you will learn how to deal with fear of missing out and
instead start feeling the Joy Of Missing Out all according to Buddhist frameworks.
1, Embrace Solitude Buddha says “Do not
look for a sanctuary in anyone except yourself.”
One of the key aspects of missing out - an aspect that most people absolutely hate - is
being alone. Imagine, for a moment, that there’s a big concert in town. If all your friends went
except for you, you would feel lonelier. You know they’ll be talking about it afterwards,
and that you will be left out of that conversation. They’ll have
all experienced something together that didn’t include you, and that feels lonely.
Even if none of your friends go, the internet can perfectly simulate this feeling of loneliness and
missing out. Seeing posts from those who attended the concert, whether they’re acquaintances or
strangers, can make you feel completely left out. People will go onto social media to share the best
videos of that night, praise how amazing it was, and seeing this will make you feel bad
about your decision not to go. And how could you not, if seemingly everyone in the world shared
this amazing experience that you missed out on? Again, it feels incredibly lonely. Now imagine
that you didn’t go to see the concert, but nobody you know went, and those who did go did not post
about it online. You don’t see or hear anything about the concert anywhere. Would you still feel
just as bad? Or would you just forget about it and move on? For most people, the answer
is probably the latter. Our fear of missing out is incredibly close to our fear of being alone.
Shared experiences often bond people, so missing out on those makes you feel less
connected with those around you. You only feel bad about your choices when you know
others did something different and seem happier than you are.
But now think about the Buddhists, working on a sand mandala for weeks while others in their
community go to festivities and have fun. Why didn’t they feel lonely? Why didn’t they feel
like they missed out? Because Buddhists know that no company can truly make you happy,
except your own. Buddhists understand that true happiness comes from within.
If you quit looking at social media, fostering jealousy, and truly think about what would make
you happy as an individual - you find the key to living your best life. You don’t
need concerts or experiences to be happy; you need the right mindset. And you need to
start seeing yourself as a unique human being, rather than as part of a group.
Buddhism recommends that rather than seeking validation through external experiences. If you
don’t seek out what others have done, you won’t feel bad in comparison. And when you find joy
in your own life, you will find that you don’t need to copy their behavior to feel connected.
In other words: when you realize your solitude can be your strength, fear of missing out will
lose its grasp on you. 2. Trust Your Own Plans
In the words of Buddha “When you realize how
perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”
FOMO is not just something one feels when everybody goes to a party except you,
or when people get an afternoon off and you still have to work. It can also occur when
all your friends are getting married but you, when they start buying houses or having kids,
when they progress in their careers and you don’t… When the people around
you start taking big steps in life and you don’t feel like you’re there yet,
FOMO can be a frightening feeling: the feeling that you’re falling behind or stagnating.
It is almost impossible to convince yourself that those who have everything you want are not
more successful than you are, but in the end, no matter how counterintuitive it might seem,
it is the truth. Imagine, for a moment, a friend of yours. This friend has their dream job,
is married, has bought a house - and meanwhile, you’re still struggling to keep up with your
career, your love life, and your home life. It might feel that if you had your friend’s life,
you would be happy and fulfilled. In fact, you might feel like you could have had your
friend’s life, had you just tried a little harder and been a little smarter. Neither
of these statements, however, are true. When people compare themselves to others
and worry about missing out, they often overlook the nuances involved.
You are not a copy of another person; you are unique and entirely different,
with a distinct life, tempo, and even - believe it or not - desires, and wishes. Your friend’s life
would not make you happy because you are unique. Their partner might not be a great fit for you,
their dream house is probably not your dream house, and their job, even in the same field,
might well be entirely unsuitable for you. True happiness comes from the things you
have actively chosen and worked for yourself. And so it can only happen by working towards
something and then achieving that yourself just like creating a beautiful sand mandala.
Of course, many people don’t want the actual specifics of the lives they are jealous of,
but rather an abstract version of it. You want a partner, a house, a well-paying and
well-respected job. So why does your friend have all of this already, and you don’t?
Buddhists are very outspoken in the idea that your life is yours alone,
and the way it is going is the way it is meant to be. When you want something and you want it now,
you fail to appreciate what you already have and enjoy the small things in your
own life. While ambition is good, those who get lost in it always become miserable. Think
of married people who get bored and cheat or of rich people who still overwork themselves.
Life is not a matter of achieving something and then clinging onto it for the rest of time.
In fact, Buddhists stress that nothing is permanent and everything always changes.
But if that’s the case, why would you need what you want to achieve right now
specifically? When you allow yourself to find pleasure in the small things
in life and trust that what it is you want will come to you in due time, you will find that when
this finally becomes true, you have the peace and rest in yourself to truly enjoy it, as well.
Even though your friend has a lot of things you also want,
that does not mean they are necessarily happier or more fulfilled. In fact,
fulfillment often comes from the effort and motivation of working towards something,
rather than the end results. And if you’re working towards something for a little while
longer than those around you, you should feel blessed with your drive and opportunities,
rather than left out. The real secret to happiness and fulfillment is in your ability to appreciate
them, and you will only have this ability if you foster it from day one. It is not achievements or
material possessions that you are missing out on, but merely something within your own soul.
3. Train Your Mind
To quote Buddha “Nothing can harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded."
In today’s society, with distraction around every corner and boredom almost extinct,
it is very hard to clear your mind. But clearing your mind is essential to finding
peace and happiness. Buddhists are particularly focused on it; one of their biggest practices,
after all, is that of mindfulness. It is a way of focusing on the present without any regrets,
disappointments, or distractions, and appreciating what you have.
Mindfulness comes from the Buddhist term ‘sati’ or ‘smṛti’. A more direct translation,
according to some, would be ‘pay attention to’, ‘to bear in mind,’ or ‘to remember.’
So what is it you should bear in mind and remember? There are a few things:
The body. Pay attention to your physical sensations, such as your posture, your skin,
your breathing, and how you change positions over time.
Emotions. What do you feel right now, and is it positive or negative?
Thoughts. What are you thinking about, and why are you thinking about this? And finally
Surroundings. What is real to you, and what isn’t? How are the things in your life connected?
Mindfulness is best practiced by practicing yoga or meditation.
Sit in a quiet space where you know you won’t get interrupted. Focus on your body,
like the first step describes, and try not to think of anything else. After a
certain point, your breathing will be automatic, your body fully relaxed,
and your thoughts will start to flow like a river. Let them. Observe without judgment or evaluation.
However, mindfulness is more than that. More casually, it can be brought into any
kind of everyday activity. When you eat, drive to work, take a shower,
or do anything mundane like that, try to be fully present in the activity. Don’t
think about anything else, don’t let yourself get distracted, and just do.
Negative feelings like the fear of missing out and the accompanying jealousy and loneliness
often rear their ugly heads when your mind is too busy to challenge them. When you practice
focusing on the moment and clearing your mind, though, you will find that unhelpful feelings
have a much smaller chance to pop up, and that they are very easily defeated when they do.
It is important to remember that, as most things, mindfulness is something you practice and get
better at with time. You have to do it often and consistently to truly start internalizing it.
Before we move on, here is a small mindfulness practice you can do when you’re feeling left
out. Take a moment to close your eyes and practice your breathing. When you feel in sync,
start to focus on your surroundings. Where are you? In bed? In the kitchen,
washing dishes? At your desk, doing work? No matter your environment and current task, try
to focus on it. What have you been doing? Why? How does it make you feel? And how could you make this
more enjoyable for you? And why is it important to be doing the things you’re doing at this
current moment? Let any thoughts of what you’re missing out on pass by without engaging with them,
and try to answer the questions at hand, letting all other sensations pass you by. Eventually,
you will feel the idea of missing out disappear into the background.
4. Fight Your Fear
According to Buddha “The whole secret of existence is to have no fear.”
We often know fear to be an emotion that paralyzes and stops us from doing the things we want.
The fear in FOMO, however, works in the opposite way: it is a fear that forces us to do things we
do not necessarily want to do, or makes us feel miserable when we don’t do those things. With
FOMO, you start doubting your decision not to buy that thing, your decision to stay home and rest,
your decision to focus on something important rather than temporary.
It is important to note that fearlessness, or bravery,
does not mean not feeling any fear. Quite the reverse! It’s about being able to confront and
overcome that fear. The first thing to do is analyze your fear. What sort of fear is it?
Useful fear is the fear that alerts you to actual danger:
think of being high up in an unsafe building, or coming across a stranger in an alleyway.
Useless fear is the fear that you feel when you rationally know you’re safe:
when you’re on top of the eiffel tower, for example, the height poses no threat.
The Fear Of Missing Out usually falls into this second category: there are usually no
negative consequences to missing out, except for the feeling of fear itself. It’s a vicious circle.
According to Buddha, a lot of human suffering - including fear - stems from attachment. We
are so attached to certain things - belongings, an image, a certain situation, a job - that losing it
causes unimaginable suffering. FOMO works in the same way: we miss out on - or ‘lose’ - something
that we feel is or could be incredibly important. Something we are attached to.
Mindfulness will help you let go of such an attachment and introduce something else:
acceptance. The Tibetan Buddhist monks destroy their sand mandala after finishing it because
they are never attached. They appreciated it for what it was in the moment and know
when to move on. If you truly think about that concert or that vacation you’re missing out on,
you will see that it has no real impact on your life, or that your attachment to
it has no rational explanation. You, too, can move on from missing out with no harm done.
In order to deal with that fear of missing out, you have to get close to it. Confront
the moments that draw out this fear. Is it when you are not invited? When you have to
cancel something? When all your friends post about an event that you haven’t been
able to go to? Or when strangers do so? What, exactly, are you scared of? What’s the worst
that could result from you having missed out on this thing? And how could you deal
with that? What could you do in the future to make yourself feel more included again?
Asking yourself these questions in a calm and safe environment takes away the power useless
fear of missing out can have over you, since it allows you to let your rationality take over.
By continuing to train your thoughts with your fear in mind specifically, you will feel it fade.
5. Find Your Joy In our final quote for this video,
Buddha says “Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.”
Instead of learning to ‘live with’ missing out, you will find it can actually bring joy.
There are two ways to practice the Joy Of Missing Out. Firstly, by recognizing the joy in mundane,
daily activities. Secondly, by feeling joy for others without thinking about yourself at all.
Let’s focus on finding joy for yourself first. Imagine someone who never misses out. Would
they have the happiest, best life ever? Or would they be burnt out, overstimulated,
and stressed? When you, for example, go to that concert despite needing rest,
or go on that vacation despite being behind on work, you will not be able to fully enjoy it.
You will be in two places at once: your body in the location you’ve dragged it to, but your
mind with your worries and your shortcomings. Missing out, it seems, is absolutely necessary
for living a healthy life. So missing out is necessary. But how could it ever bring joy?
Well, think back to the monks making sand mandalas. Doing so grants them peace,
purpose, and time to think and be mindful. They do not fret about what else they could be doing,
because they make sure to get the most out of making the mandala. In other words:
they focus completely and solely on the activity
at hand and learn to appreciate it for what it is. They practice mindfulness.
So the key to learning how to do this is by practicing mindfulness yourself. When you stay
home to rest, revel in it; think of how you can maximize this rest and enjoy it the most. When
you stay home to catch up on work or school, try to focus on the relief and satisfaction that being
caught up will grant you. When washing the dishes, listen to music or appreciate the sounds and how
it clears your mind. When you have to clean the house, use that time to listen to an audiobook
or podcast and be grateful for how that can help you learn and grow. And always take a moment to be
grateful for the moment you are in right now. It’s a small practice that only takes a few minutes
a day, but will lift your spirits immensely. In other words: take moments and do not define them
by what you are not doing, but by what you are doing. Mindfulness maximizes joy in every moment.
Once you’ve mastered this, you will also learn how to embrace the next step: find joy for others
without feeling bad for yourself. Think of the unconditional love and happiness a loving parent
feels for their child. Whenever their child finds joy in something - a present, an ice-cream cone,
a bouncy castle in the parking lot - their parent’s happy for them without any thought for
themselves. Happiness exists in other situations, too: when your sibling wins a big prize,
when your neighbor gets a new pet, when your friend gets their dream job. This is the biggest
problem with finding joy in the experiences of others: our own agony at not being able to
experience the same overshadows the situation. So how do we go from being a jealous friend to
being a friend that loves unconditionally? The answer, once again, is mindfulness.
Whenever a friend has good news, try to truly be in the moment. Let your thoughts wander without
intervening and pay especially close attention to those that are genuinely positive. Revel in those
and let other thoughts wander by. When jealousy pops up, imagine their achievements as something
completely separated from you; something out of your reach, not something you should have had,
too. In the beginning, doing so might feel forced, but the more you force yourself to leave yourself
out of an equation and truly think of someone else, the easier it is in the future. When you
train finding joy in the moment, you will find joy for your friend’s experiences more easily;
and when you train being happy for your friends, you’ll be happy for yourself more often, too.
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