0:03: Hello and welcome to Revolutionize your love life.
0:07: Do you want to know more about love relationships?
0:10: What makes them work?
0:11: How to create the one of your best dreams?
0:14: Do you want to be in a really healthy, juicy love relationship?
0:19: In these podcasts, we will give ideas and practical advice to light your way.
0:23: Whether you're looking for a love partner, already in a relationship.
0:28: You wish could be better, or leaving one that has run its course, there will be something to inspire, empower, and support you.
0:36: Revolutionize your love life is a fortnightly podcast where you will access the knowledge and wisdom of love experts and relationship coaches from across the world to help you find true fulfillment in love.
0:50: I am your host, Heather Garbutt.
0:53: Welcome.
0:55: Hello everybody, I'm here today again with the wonderful Lisa Hawkins, and we're going to talk about tuning into our body as a source of wisdom and direction in dating.
1:08: Let me tell you a bit about Lisa first.
1:11: She's a relationship and self-awareness coach and the founder of Consciously awake counseling.
1:18: For over 26 years she's been passionate about the human experience, why we love, how we connect.
1:26: And very essentially what gets in the way.
1:31: She works with both men and women to awaken the part of themselves that already knows how to love deeply, freely and consciously.
1:42: Through spiritually, spiritual inquiry, emotional accountability, and her signature pause method.
1:51: Lisa helps people question old beliefs, shift their patterns, and create authentic relationships, starting importantly with the one they have with themselves.
2:03: Her work is about truth, healing, and connection at a higher level.
2:08: Whether you're navigating love, healing from heartbreak, or learning to trust yourself again, Lia brings wisdom, presence and a deep respect for the human experience.
2:22: Welcome, Lisa.
2:24: Thank you so much for having me again, Heather.
2:27: It's a pleasure to be here.
2:29: Oh, you're getting lots of watches on my Facebook and Instagram page, your clips are really hitting home.
2:35: So I think it's a delight to have you back.
2:39: Thank you.
2:40: Very happy to be here.
2:42: Oh, it's lovely.
2:44: So we're going to talk about tuning into our body as a source of wisdom and direction in dating.
2:51: I believe you've got an example or two of this, if you could share, that would be lovely.
2:56: Thank you so much.
2:57: Well, right now it's high season for dating, so it's important to really be aware of your body.
3:05: During dating season.
3:08: And I mean paying attention to the little things, the thing we have in our gut, that something didn't feel right, clenching of our jaw, our fists.
3:18: Maybe we're feeling very anxious, maybe we feel shut down.
3:25: And this takes a lot of awareness, and it takes a lot of practice to really be paying attention to what's going on with the person you're with and being in tune with your body at that same time.
3:38: But it's highly important because our body gives us signals, whether things are healthy or unhealthy, and oftentimes it can give us mixed signals.
3:48: And that's the time where you need to take the time away and pause and journal about it and try to figure out which signal is the signal directing you into a more healthy, supportive relationship and which signal is directing you into The unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship that you may have been conditioned to have at a younger age.
4:13: Yeah, yeah, it's so powerful because some of the things I've been talking about on my short clips at the moment are how our nervous system.
4:24: Finds a place that feels like home with what's familiar, whether it's good for us or not.
4:31: And I know that's a thing for you too.
4:33: Can you say a bit more about that kind of thing?
4:35: Yeah, so an example was I was dating a guy and I felt calm.
4:41: Around him.
4:43: And I was fairly happy.
4:47: But it was interesting because when I actually paid really close attention to my body.
4:54: My fists were clenched.
4:56: My jaw was clenched.
4:58: And I had this fro between my eyes and I was like, wow, that's really interesting.
5:05: Why is that happening?
5:08: So why am I feeling calm?
5:10: And happy and having these bodily signals.
5:14: And so it took me a while to sit with that and try to figure out what that was.
5:19: And whenever I did, and I, and I journaled about it, I realized that the calm part was my nervous system being accustomed to this kind of guy.
5:31: But my body was saying clearly no.
5:35: This isn't right.
5:37: Yeah.
5:39: Mhm.
5:39: Yeah.
5:40: When you say this kind of guy, could you explain a bit more what the effect was?
5:46: I mean, I don't want to say where he is or what his name is or anything like that, but just, just the pattern.
5:52: Well, we all have patterns, right?
5:53: We all have patterns.
5:55: And this is why I suggest journaling about our dating experiences because we go back, we'll notice what our pattern is.
6:02: And oftentimes, our nervous system is going to be attracted to a specific pattern.
6:08: My pattern was, , men that were aloof, disconnected, emotionally immature, and had some kind of addiction in some form or fashion.
6:19: And it wasn't healthy for me.
6:23: For sure, for sure, yeah.
6:26: But that's what felt normal.
6:29: That's what felt normal to my nervous system.
6:32: Exactly.
6:33: What I was consciously looking for was the polar opposite of that.
6:39: Yeah.
6:40: Exactly, yeah.
6:42: Yeah.
6:43: Yeah, but the unconscious says, yes, please.
6:47: Mhm.
6:49: And I like how you discern between your nervous system, so you weren't feeling anxious, you weren't feeling tight in your gut, you weren't holding your breath, you weren't overly excited.
6:59: , You were sort of slightly shut down, I think, maybe.
7:06: But you noticed that your bodily behavior, your own body language, which was visible to your higher consciousness, let's call it that, could see, hang on, there's something else going on here.
7:18: My body is communicating more strongly in different ways.
7:23: Exactly.
7:25: Mhm.
7:26: Yeah.
7:27: So it takes a lot of body awareness.
7:31: And understanding the dynamics of the nervous system and how sometimes it can mislead us.
7:39: , and it takes practice to be aware of both of these things simultaneously.
7:45: But with practice, you can direct your nervous system into a situation that's healthier for you, and learn to regulate your nervous system to accept something that's different.
7:59: Can you explain a bit more about that path, because that sounds quite a wonderful journey.
8:04: Well, it is.
8:06: So our brain is wired to avoid pain and when we're doing something that is outside of what we've been programmed to do, it's gonna cause an uncomfortable feeling.
8:19: And , so if our nervous system was conditioned, or let's just say toxic or abusive relationship, right?
8:28: And we noticed that we continually get into those despite all of our effort not to.
8:33: We need to look at our nervous system.
8:36: And then slowly and gradually move our nervous system in the direction of something that feels scary.
8:44: Uncomfortable but healthy.
8:48: And just take small steps in that direction and allow us to recondition ourselves into something that's much more healthy.
8:59: This is widespread not only in relationships, but if we were going to make a massive change in our health and our well-being, our fitness goals, we may notice resistance to the thing that's the very healthy thing for us to do.
9:15: Yeah, I can speak to that.
9:16: , you know, as a small child, I was in plaster.
9:20: So keeping still was imperative, , for quite a long period of time.
9:26: And also my, my early family life was seen and not heard and keep still.
9:34: So, now, trying to get myself to do exercise goes against that very powerful early conditioning.
9:43: It can be as simple and straightforward as that, but I think what you're talking about in dating is quite different.
9:54: It is quite different, but it is getting used to.
9:57: Discomfort.
10:00: And, but you also have to use your critical thinking skills.
10:05: To discern whether the uncomfortable is healthy or the uncomfortable is unhealthy.
10:12: And this is where conscious awareness is very important in dating.
10:18: OK, tell me a bit more, how conscious awareness can be developed.
10:26: , well, for me it was quite a journey actually making a lot of mistakes and picking myself back up and looking at it, .
10:35: But for me, curiosity is the key.
10:38: Just being curious about why you did it without judgment, just to understand yourself at a deeper level, and then curiosity takes you down a path of, of really looking at things from a non non-judgmental place.
10:55: And for me it was journaling, and it was paying attention.
10:58: Oh, why did I just say that?
11:01: And then looking at it And we're not looking at it to fix ourselves.
11:07: We're looking at it to be really understanding of ourselves and what might be going on with ourselves.
11:12: And it takes a lot of practice, and the pause method is very important.
11:16: Take time to pause before you say things, before you do things.
11:20: Maybe even before you go on a second date, you want to take time to pause and reflect.
11:27: Absolutely.
11:28: Yeah, I think it's really quite important not to agree to go on a second date while you're on the 1st 1.
11:38: Your brain does need time away for those brains to settle in so that you can make a more conscious decision because when you're on that high, of course, you're gonna say, yes, I want another day.
11:50: Yeah.
11:52: Yeah, and then it, it's more difficult when you have sort of process and you think maybe not to actually say no.
11:59: Exactly.
12:00: Mm.
12:02: Yeah.
12:03: Hm.
12:05: And let's talk about the, the traumas that get stored in the body and how we can release them so that we can work out.
12:15: What is held and healthy and what is held and unhealthy.
12:21: Can you speak a bit to that?
12:24: Well, that's also been a long journey for me, , through my own therapy and personal growth, , learning to be patient with my body.
12:35: And again, I communicate with my body and, oh, well, what's going on there?
12:41: And I guess the best example that I can give you is recently, I had been working on some stuck energy in my chest.
12:51: And I had been going to therapy and doing my own inner work here at home and just, it was discomfort.
12:58: When I talked about certain Things, certain past issues or certain present issues that was triggering.
13:07: It was very heavy.
13:09: , It took about 2 weeks of really being present with that pain.
13:15: , and trying to understand it for it to start surfacing up.
13:19: And then I noticed this other presence that was heavy, came down and tried to push it back down.
13:28: It's like, wow, that's amazing.
13:30: What is this and what is this?
13:36: And so, for me, I just ask the question and sit and wait for the answer to arise, and sometimes that answer arises immediately and sometimes it takes time.
13:46: For me, it was within 2 weeks of just being open to hearing whatever answer was present.
13:53: And then all of a sudden.
13:58: I was talking about a situation come up and it just started pushing it really heavily and just the , sobs, the deep, deep sobs came out and the pressure started relieving.
14:14: And I realized, wow, that's been in there for decades.
14:20: Decades and I could feel the energy moving up from my chest through my throat and out.
14:27: And so It's just about, again, being really aware of where your body might be signaling that you have pain or discomfort or stuck situations.
14:40: And when you're talking about something or you're doing something, notice.
14:44: If your right hip hurts, notice if your chest gets heavy.
14:50: So for me, it's just a journey of again discovery.
14:54: Mhm.
14:55: Mm, there's a similar process that I use, which is.
15:02: To, to feel when you're in a situation, when have I felt this before, and then probably reflecting afterwards rather than in the moment.
15:10: When have I felt this before?
15:13: And what's the earliest time I felt this?
15:18: And that the subtle things about absence and neglect.
15:23: Are more difficult when, when I have, when before have I felt absence, emotional absence, when I before have I felt Neglect or somebody turning away from me.
15:35: Because those are, those are the, the subtle cues we pick up in dating somebody's not really paying attention.
15:42: They're there talking about them, but they're not asking about you.
15:46: Exactly, yeah.
15:50: So your body does with that, yeah.
15:52: Yeah.
15:53: Does it make you overfunction and try and get their attention, or do you give up and go away?
15:59: And look after them.
16:02: You, you give up and go away from you and look after them.
16:08: Hm.
16:09: Lots of different possibilities, yeah.
16:12: But I, I go to.
16:15: can be all sorts of feelings, but when, when did I first feel this?
16:18: What does it feel like?
16:20: Is it heavy?
16:21: Is it burning?
16:24: Is it fizzing?
16:25: What's the feeling?
16:27: And if I can remember a time when I felt like that, I can unpack what was going on then and what the pattern was, what it made me think and feel.
16:39: , then I can slightly free myself from it.
16:43: I, I'll think about the beliefs that it made me think about myself whether I am or I do or I don't, or I must or I mustn't or I'm not.
16:52: The biggest one that often comes up for me is I'm not allowed.
16:57: So allowing myself to be seen and heard is quite, quite a big one for me and speaking up.
17:05: , But then there can be the belief about others that comes from that.
17:11: So if I think I'm not allowed, others aren't interested in hearing who I am.
17:18: The world is a disinterested place and it's a vacuum as far as I'm concerned.
17:23: Then I can listen and really feel what I'm living from and ask myself what's really true.
17:32: And then quite often things will release from my body.
17:34: There'll be grief for having felt those other things and believed those other things for.
17:41: A long time.
17:44: And it's a relief to acknowledge and release.
17:50: Acknowledge and release, absolutely.
17:53: Absolutely.
17:54: And tracing it back into your earliest memory of that, if you're that aware, that's amazing.
18:03: Well, like you, I've done years of therapy, so there are some significant memories I go back to time and again and unpack all the different meanings I made from the situation.
18:14: Right, absolutely.
18:18: Mm.
18:19: So what more would you like people to know about this area?
18:23: What would you like to say?
18:27: Well, I just want people to understand men and women.
18:32: Men carry this as well, and they have difficulty in speaking and relating to their emotions as well as women.
18:41: It's not a gender specific thing.
18:44: And What's most important is that you are curious about yourself, about your highest well-being.
18:52: And attaining the relationship that you know that you want and deserve, and being willing to sit with the discomfort and allow, acknowledge, and release what isn't working for you.
19:11: That's so beautifully put.
19:13: And where can people find you, Lisa?
19:15: They want to work with your pause method.
19:18: , I have a consciously await counseling.com.
19:23: You can also find me on Facebook, Lisa Hawkins dating relationship coach.
19:29: Oh, that's lovely.
19:31: Thank you so much.
19:33: Thank you for having me.
19:35: Yeah, thank you.
19:37: Bye-bye for now.
19:39: Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Revolutionize your love life.
19:45: I'd like to know what has been your biggest takeaway from this conversation.
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19:56: You can connect with me personally on my email at heather@heather Garber.com.
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20:09: If you have any feedback on how I can improve it, please do reach out to me as I'm always keen to learn more.
20:18: Thank you so much again for listening and we'll meet again on the next episode of Revolutionize your love life.