0:03: Hello and welcome to revolutionise your love life.
0:07: Do you want to know more about love relationships?
0:10: What makes them work?
0:11: How to create the one of your best dreams?
0:14: Do you want to be in a really healthy, juicy love relationship?
0:19: In these podcasts, we will give ideas and practical advice to light your way.
0:23: Whether you're looking for a love partner, already in a relationship.
0:28: You wish could be better, or leaving one that has run its course, there will be something to inspire, empower, and support you.
0:36: revolutionise your love life is a fortnightly podcast where you will access the knowledge and wisdom of love experts and relationship coaches from across the world to help you find true fulfilment in love.
0:50: I am your host, Heather Garbutt.
0:53: Welcome.
0:55: Hello everyone, I'm here today with the lovely Kathy Hargreaves.
1:00: She's a friend and a colleague in like my local business group for Athena, and we've known each other for a number of years now.
1:08: We're going to talk about self-love.
1:11: What is it?
1:12: How do you know if you've got it, and what do you do if you haven't?
1:18: Welcome, Kathy.
1:20: Hey, welcome.
1:21: Thank you for having me, Heather.
1:23: Shall I tell him a bit about you first?
1:26: So.
1:28: Cathy's a deep mind transformation expert.
1:31: She's a rapid transformational therapist therapist person.
1:36: RTT, which is a a wonderful process devised by Marissa Peer.
1:42: She's an advanced conversational hypnosis person, an energy practitioner.
1:48: She's the QRIT qualification.
1:52: She helps women unlock their inner confidence by clearing out old patterns, reconnecting with their truth, and creating a life that feels light, joyful, and deeply fulfilling.
2:07: She believes healing doesn't have to be heavy or overwhelming.
2:11: It can be gentle, uplifting, and still powerfully transformative.
2:18: She's trauma informed and intuitive healer.
2:22: The rapid transformational work she does is amazing.
2:26: She blends powerful mind work with intuitive guidance and helps her clients feel calmer, clearer, and even more themselves.
2:35: I've experienced Cathy's work, and she has such a light touch that makes deep change.
2:43: It's beautiful, Kathy, you're beautiful.
2:46: So thank you so much.
2:48: Sorry.
2:50: Tell me first off, what is self-love?
2:54: So self love is sometimes we think of it as selfish or indulgence, but really all it is is how we relate to ourselves, how we see ourselves, how we respond to ourselves.
3:08: So often we can think it's about.
3:13: Doing big things, it's about self-esteem, self belief, but actually self love comes back really at the fundamental of how we treat ourselves, how worthy we think we are to be treated well.
3:29: And so often we have formed these beliefs of how worthy we are of being treated well by the things that have happened to us in our life.
3:39: And if we haven't had it modelled to us, we, it's really hard to know what self love is.
3:45: Sometimes we see it and we think they're selfish, those people that do love themselves.
3:51: Sorry, Heather.
3:53: Oh no, it's fine, it's fine.
3:55: So it's so it's not something we're necessarily born with, it's something we learn along the way by how we're treated.
4:02: But we are born worthy.
4:04: The fact that we are here, the fact that we are alive, the fact that we exist, we are worthy.
4:11: It's beautiful.
4:12: And we have had the message throughout life that maybe we're only worthy if we achieve things.
4:19: Maybe we only got praise, recognition, acceptance if we did things well, or if we were quiet, or if we were the good girl, or if we were the good boy.
4:29: If we.
4:32: Maybe if we got bullied as a child, we think there's something wrong with me.
4:37: If our parents weren't able to meet our emotional needs, we think it's because there's something wrong with me.
4:43: So we are all born worthy, but what happens around us, the messages we get, because as children, as you know, we just soak it all up with sponges.
4:53: We accept everything that comes in, but we don't have the, the ability, the the brain function to be able to interpret it and decipher it for what it really is.
5:04: We had our own meaning to it.
5:07: And then we live our life from that meaning believing it to be true.
5:11: Yes, I really get that.
5:13: I see that so much in love relationships.
5:16: Yeah.
5:18: Yeah.
5:20: I really see it in relationships where people feel like they've got to earn love or be a certain way to be deserving of love.
5:31: And I think, you know, the ways that you work, it's, it's in love, it's abundance, it's self worth, it's, , your ability to be effective in the world, to feel good as a human being, to be a good mother, if that's where you go.
5:45: I see all of that in the realm of your work.
5:49: So tell me.
5:52: How do you know if you've got self-love?
5:57: I think you know by how when you tap into how you feel and how you talk to yourself, how you interact with yourself, if you were to do something.
6:11: That you deem wrong, a mistake, do you beat yourself up?
6:16: Do you criticise yourself?
6:18: , when you're trying to achieve a goal, are you doing it from a harshness?
6:23: What's wrong with you?
6:24: You should be better, you should sort that.
6:26: They are not signs of self-love.
6:29: Self-love is kindness, it's compassion, it's grace, it's space to say, ah.
6:37: I did something I'm not that proud of it.
6:41: How can I make amends?
6:45: Of love.
6:47: When you, I missed a little bit completely there.
6:51: DJ?
6:52: Yes, it just went completely silent.
6:54: Oh, So tell me, how do you know if you have self-love?
7:08: The best way to see if you have self love is to see how you speak to yourself, how you interact with yourself, how you respond to yourself when things go wrong and when things go well.
7:21: So if something goes wrong, if you, maybe you say something, you think, Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
7:26: How do you respond?
7:27: Do you give yourself a hard time?
7:30: Are you a harsh critic?
7:31: Do you say you idiot, what did you say that for?
7:34: And then ruminate and overthink and beat yourself up.
7:38: Or do you give yourself kindness and compassion?
7:42: Knowing you're a human being and you're doing the best you can, and how can I learn from this and what will I do differently?
7:49: And it shows up, you can see it very loudly when we do something that we deem as wrong or that we worry someone else will think is wrong.
7:59: But also it's how do we celebrate when we do something well.
8:04: You know, do we celebrate ourselves?
8:06: Do we say, yay, well done, you.
8:08: Proud of you.
8:10: Or do we say, it's not a big deal?
8:12: Well, anyone could do that.
8:14: Self-love really comes down to how we relate to ourselves, how we see ourselves, how we treat ourselves, knowing that we are worthy of love, especially our own love.
8:28: So I think this is the biggest way you can see it and it's really interesting when you do something, you know, listen to that inner voice.
8:34: Is it a bully?
8:36: Is it, you know, maybe a harsh parent, whose voice is it or is it like a coach, a best friend?
8:44: Because we always say, don't we, would we, would we talk to our best friend the way we talk to ourselves?
8:52: No, very likely not, no.
8:54: And it's interesting because you and I have talked about this quite a bit and I, I see it in in businesswomen all over the place.
9:01: They've always got a to do list as long as you're on and sort of frowning and furrowed with all the things I haven't got done.
9:10: But if you look in the other direction and get them to just see, OK, and what did you manage to do this morning?
9:17: And they'll they'll list 16,000 things they got done this morning, but they don't count any of those, they only count the 16,000 they've got lined up for them.
9:28: Yeah, and as we know, you know, our mind is negativity biassed.
9:32: It, it looks the negatives because it needed to before, we needed to protect ourselves, but we, we have never lived in a safer time.
9:42: We've never lived in a safer time, you know, to take care of ourselves, to be able to do the things we need.
9:48: So it, it really is about retraining your mind, retraining, focus on what you are doing well, celebrating that, and then you do more and you see more and you receive more.
9:59: And it spirals up in such a beautiful way.
10:02: Mm.
10:03: Yes, it's really lovely.
10:05: And, and the thing that goes with that, , that I've discovered through working with you.
10:11: Is the the feeling of.
10:14: Confidence, , the feeling of having more headspace, , , a wider perspective on things.
10:24: , strength and power, you know, discernment, clarity.
10:28: All of those things which really, really are so lovely.
10:33: They're so refreshing.
10:34: They're so calming.
10:36: So instead of having, if you think about all those negative voices nagging, there's a much greater space within that just says, OK, there are 16,000 things to do, which is the next one you wanna do?
10:49: OK.
10:50: Let's do that one then, which is so different, isn't it?
10:54: So different and it changes your life, you know, and it starts with the smallest thing.
11:00: You know, we don't have to overhaul life, it does, it starts with the smallest thing and compounds.
11:05: It does, it gives you that calmness, that space, that.
11:10: I can breathe.
11:11: Yeah.
11:12: And there's a very British thing, I think, and I don't know that it is only British, but I certainly experience it, but .
11:21: We're not really allowed to care for ourselves.
11:24: It's a little bit guilt-ridden.
11:26: It's a little bit shameworthy.
11:28: We're not supposed to have any feelings and needs.
11:30: We're supposed to just get on with stuff.
11:32: Maybe it's a hangover from the industrial or colonial ages, you know, you, you just get out there and are valiant, , or you, you, you know, they cliched old roles for women, you know, you just stay home and are valiant, you manage it all.
11:48: And it, it's quite a thing to feel that ancestral pressure.
11:54: Not to really care for yourself.
11:56: This is relatively new.
11:59: It is, it is, and it's such, you know, you talk about the ancestral and there is, there's all of that conditioning that's that's behind all of us.
12:07: But there's also, you know, even if you look back to your own childhood.
12:12: There would have been so many times when.
12:16: Keep quiet.
12:17: Your needs don't matter.
12:18: Maybe you're made to look after siblings, or maybe you have to be a, you're a parentified, you know, at a young age, and you had to grow up and like, oh, I have to be the responsible one.
12:28: I can't have needs.
12:29: I can't have feelings.
12:32: And, you know, we think back to all the times, I know you heard.
12:37: Stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about.
12:40: You know, all of these kind of things and you're like, oh, I can't feel my feelings, it's not safe.
12:46: And so many people I see.
12:49: They've just never been able to, to feel them and experience them, and they think they're wrong for having them.
12:55: You know, I worked with a client yesterday and so much anger in her because she had to just suppress it her whole life.
13:03: And it's like, I can't let it out.
13:05: Well, you can't keep it in because it's making you sick.
13:09: It needs to come out one way or another.
13:12: And I think that's the, the real benefit of self-love, of saying, I am worthy to feel all my feelings.
13:20: They're here.
13:22: Our feelings are the most real thing we have.
13:24: They tell us when something's right, when something needs looking at or changing.
13:31: Yes, yes, and, , I wanted to sort of touch into that.
13:34: You, you're saying it turned up in her body.
13:37: How does lack of it show up in somebody's life, body, psyche?
13:42: Can you say a bit more about that?
13:44: Yeah, so the, I think I know Gabel Matte talks about this, and there's another book, The Body Keeps the score.
13:53: If we do not express our emotions, they will be expressed one way or another.
13:58: Our body will express it.
14:00: And we see this so much, especially in women.
14:03: I think Gabel Matte talks about this.
14:05: , where women.