“Your task is not to seek for love, but to find the barriers within
yourself that you’ve built against it.” - Rumi Picture this: you open a dating app, and instead
of swiping right on someone else, you swipe right on becoming the better version of yourself.
How would that change the way you show up? Today, our dating culture runs on quick swipes
and fast decisions. We move from one profile to the next, hoping the right match will appear.
But in all the searching, we’re so focused on finding the right person that we rarely stop
to ask if we’re actually ready to be one. This matters because today we feel more
disconnected than ever. Ghosting has become routine. Conversations stay on the surface. And a
lot of us leave dates feeling confused or drained instead of understood. The issue isn’t only the
apps - it’s the mindset we bring into them. Many of us go in without a clear sense of who we are,
what we want, or what we’re ready to give. In this video, we’ll talk about what
it really means to choose yourself first in a stronger, healthier way..
And just to be clear, we are not against dating apps or modern ways of meeting people.
It’s about using them from a place where you’ve already chosen yourself first.
My name is Dan, and I’m the voice behind Philosophies for Life. Over the years,
we’ve done our best to bring you ideas and stories that help you grow. Now,
we’re taking things a step further by talking more openly about real-life
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Why Dating Feels Different Today For most of human history,
relationships were shaped by the basic need to survive. The world was harsh, and people
depended on each other in very direct ways. In early human tribes — the kind described in
the book Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari - choosing a partner was simple, but not in the romantic
way weca think of today. Men usually hunted, women usually gathered, but the roles weren’t
strict. Everyone did what they could to help the group to protect the tribe and raised children.
Relationships were based on strength, cooperation, and steady contribution more than anything else.
Then humans shifted into farming and agriculture. Farming demanded routine, long hours of work,
and protection of land. This is when gender roles became more rigid. Men worked the fields
and handled physical labor. Women managed the home, preserved food, and raised children.
Marriage became tied to property, stability, and survival. If you fulfilled your expected role,
you were considered a good match. This continued through medieval and
traditional societies. People usually married within their social group. Family expectations,
reputation, and duty shaped relationships. Roles were clear, and most people didn’t
question them. You chose someone who fit the life society expected you to live.
Even in the early to mid-1900s, things were mostly the same.
Men were expected to earn to provide and women were expected to run the home. It made finding
a partner more predictable — maybe not happier, but at least everyone knew what their role was
But the 21st century is very, VERY different! Society in much of the world today is more liberal
and open than at any other time in history. Women have more career options, independence,
and financial freedom. Men and women are no longer limited to traditional roles and virtually
everyone has the freedom to shape their own path. With technology, global communication, and now AI,
we can learn anything, create anything, explore any idea, and reinvent ourselves in ways that
were completely impossible just a couple of decades ago. This level of freedom is rare in
the story of humanity. It’s a privilege. In many ways, now truly is the best time to be alive.
For the first time, we have the time and freedom to look inward. To ask questions about meaning,
purpose, and what they truly want from life. We’re not just asking,
“Who should I be with?” We’re asking, “Who am I?” We don’t need someone to hunt for us, gather food,
defend a village, or maintain a specific household role. We choose based on compatibility, identity,
and shared values. This makes modern dating personal — deeply personal — because who we
choose now reflects who we are, not who society tells us to be. We’re looking for someone who
fits us — emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Someone who aligns with who we’re growing into.
And that’s why choosing yourself first matters so much.
You need to understand your values, your flaws,
your strengths, your goals, and the parts of you still growing. Your relationship
with yourself sets the foundation for every other relationship that follows.
How Dating Apps Changed Us Dating apps were made to help
people meet, and in plenty of ways, they still do that. But somewhere along the way,
they turned into a kind of distraction. People started worrying more about the
perfect photo or a clever line than the actual connection behind it.
For most of human history, building relationships took real effort. Early communities survived
through shared work and you had to show up. You worked together, talked face-to-face,
relied on each other. Even if the setups weren’t ideal, there was an understanding:
you were involved in other people’s lives. Even not that long ago, meeting someone meant
going out, taking a chance, talking to someone in person, and following through. You couldn’t
avoid effort. It was part of the whole process. Now, a lot of that has faded. Modern dating,
thanks to these apps, gives us shortcuts. We can meet more people in an hour than past
generations met in a year - all without moving from the couch. You swipe, message for a bit,
and disappear before anything has time to matter. Dating today has turned quick and visual - almost
like pulling a lever on a slot machine. It’s endless options, endless scrolling. And that
illusion of having “so many choices” changed not only how we date, but how we see ourselves.
Likes, matches, swipes - they became part of how we measure our value. A like feels good for a
moment. A match feels like validation. A swipe feels personal, even though it isn’t. Slowly,
the whole thing shifts from “Do I actually like this person?” to “Do they
like me enough to give me that little boost?” Our Profiles are like small advertisements,
and we wait for strangers to tell us something about our value - even though their reactions have
nothing to do with who we really are. The feeling doesn’t last, so we check again, and again,
falling into a loop where attention takes the place of connection. In that loop, we chase
the feeling of being wanted instead of asking if someone fits our life, our values, or our future.
The Psychology Behind It Erich Fromm — a psychologist and
social philosopher known for The Art of Loving — once said that love is a skill, something we
grow into. But when dating revolves around quick reactions and snap judgments, we lose that sense
of growth. We start looking for shortcuts. We hope someone else will complete us instead of working
on the parts of ourselves that need care. This is why modern dating feels empty.
Not because people don’t care, or because good partners don’t exist, but because our worth is
being measured by things never meant to define us. When you’re focused on getting validation,
you ignore red flags. You settle for surface-level conversations. You take
rejection personally. And you mistake someone paying attention to you for actual compatibility.
Love starts feeling thin when you expect another person to fill the
space you don’t want to face in yourself. And if you slow down long enough, you might
see that the emptiness you feel isn’t just coming from the people you meet. A lot of it comes from
the parts of yourself you’ve been avoiding. So you do what you can to dodge those feelings.
Sometimes that means lowering your standards so you don’t have to deal with being by yourself.
Sometimes it means depending on one person’s attention just to feel steady. And sometimes
it means accepting the smallest effort — just enough to keep you from walking away,
but never enough to build something real. The truth, as author Stephen Chbosky — known
for The Perks of Being a Wallflower — puts it simply: “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
You don’t attract what you imagine or wish for - you attract what you embody. Your habits,
your boundaries, your confidence, and your sense of self-respect all shape the kind of
people who come into your life. And that’s why choosing yourself is necessary. It keeps
you grounded. It helps you show up as someone who knows their worth. And it draws people who
are interested in who you truly are, not the image you feel pressured to maintain.
This is the point where real connection starts to replace the need for approval.
What Philosophy Teaches Us About Love Socrates said, “Know thyself,” and
the idea still applies today.When you don’t understand your own habits, your reactions end
up running the show. In dating, that might mean chasing people who don’t choose you,
pulling away from someone who treats you well, or confusing emotional highs for real connection.
A helpful place to start is by understanding your attachment style.
Attachment theory, developed by Bowlby and Ainsworth,
explains how our early experiences shape the way we connect with people as adults.
Here are a few attachment patterns that can cause problems:
1. Anxious Attachment It means for you closeness feels good,
and distance feels stressful. You might:
Look for constant reassurance Worry when someone takes
a little longer to respond Take small changes personally
For example, someone you’re dating replies later than usual. Instead of assuming they were busy,
you jump to worst-case scenarios. You might double-text or feel anxious. This
isn’t you being “dramatic” - it’s your nervous system trying to protect you.
2. Avoidant Attachment
This means, for you, your independence feels safer than getting too close.
You might: Pull back when someone wants more intimacy
Get irritated when a partner has needs Focus on flaws to create space
For example, you meet someone steady and caring. Instead of feeling comfortable, you feel crowded.
You start noticing tiny things that bother you and use them as reasons to hold back.
It’s not that you don’t like them - it just feels safer to keep your distance.
3. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment It means you want connection but
feel unsure how to manage it. You might:
Get close and then suddenly pull away Fear rejection but also
fear losing your independence Bounce between anxious and avoidant behaviors
For example, you like someone, but opening up feels risky. You share something personal one day,
then the next day you feel exposed and pull back. The mixed feelings
come from old patterns you didn’t choose. Knowing your attachment style helps you
understand why you react the way you do. When you can name the pattern - whether it’s worry,
distance, or both - you can pause instead of getting swept up in it.
That pause gives you space to make choices that actually match what you want.
Knowing yourself gives you a real starting point. And change grows from there.
Then we have the philosophy of Taoism which shows us the value of letting things unfold
naturally. Lao Tzu said, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
Forcing connection — chasing someone, performing, or trying to convince them — usually disrupts
what could happen naturally. By practicing wu wei, or non-forcing, you show up honestly and
let things develop at their own pace. You relax and become more of your real self.
Existentialism focuses on personal responsibility. Sartre wrote, “Man is condemned to be free.”
No one can live your life for you. When you ignore your needs, settle for less, or shape yourself
to fit someone else, you’re avoiding your own freedom. Existentialism reminds you that meaning
comes from your choices, not from anyone else. Jungian psychology takes this deeper. Jung said,
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
Hidden fears, insecurities, and old wounds influence who you choose and how you behave.
Choosing yourself means noticing these parts, understanding what they protect, and seeing
how they shape your reactions. Awareness helps you relate to others from clarity, not old pain.
Humanistic psychology brings all of this into a single practice: self-compassion.
Psychologist Carl Rogers said, “When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” When
you accept your feelings, honor your boundaries, and treat yourself as someone worth caring for,
you naturally let go of approval-seeking. You stop settling, you stop pretending,
and you begin to show up as your authentic self. From that place, choosing yourself stops sounding
selfish and starts becoming the foundation for healthy connection where dating becomes
less about validation and more about two whole people meeting each other honestly.
Putting This Into Practice It starts with honest reflection.
Ask yourself: Am I really looking for connection, or just trying to soothe a moment of loneliness?
That moment of honesty already shifts how you approach dating and relationships.
From there, build small, steady habits that remind you you’re worth investing in. This
can be a morning walk, meditating, cooking for yourself, or keeping one simple promise each day.
Most importantly, quit any negative habits you think you have that’s pulling you away from loving
yourself. These routines create a strong character that doesn’t crumble if someone doesn’t text back.
As your character grows, boundaries start to feel natural. Every clear “no” becomes a choice,
a way of taking ownership of your life, as Sartre would say. Emotional strength comes from therapy,
from being mindful of your surrounding, learning to enjoy your own company, and journaling so
your thoughts have a safe place. You start loosening your grip on outcomes and letting
connections unfold naturally, just as Taoism teaches — open, patient, and without forcing.
Healing old wounds is a very important part here. This includes repairing your
relationship with your parents, because the way caregivers respond to a child
shapes attachment patterns in adulthood. If your needs for comfort or attention weren’t
met consistently, you may have learned to cling, withdraw, or fear closeness.
Carl Rogers and other humanistic psychologists suggest that healing can begin by understanding
your parents’ perspective, setting healthy boundaries, and having honest conversations
when possible. Doing this helps you recognize old patterns and respond rom a place of confidence
and security in relationships. rather than repeating old fears or unmet needs.
You also start building a life that feels like yours. Reconnect with people in real life,
learn new skills, join communities, or try activities that make you feel alive — maybe dance.
Nietzsche said, “We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.”
Over time, doing these things helps you develop secure attachment — the ability to connect
with others without losing yourself. Choosing yourself stops being about waiting for someone
else’s love and starts being about building a life that naturally makes space for it.
The Barriers That Hold You Back One of the biggest barriers people face is
the belief that they need someone else to complete them. It’s a comforting idea, but it starts with
the assumption that you’re missing something. You’re not. You’re already whole. A relationship
can add to your life, but it doesn’t define you or finish you. When you rely on someone else
to fill the empty parts inside you, you end up making yourself smaller just to keep them close.
But when you see yourself as complete, connection becomes something you share,
not something you need in order to feel worthy. Another common fear is that focusing on yourself
will leave you single forever — as if healing means people will lose interest. The reality
is the opposite. As you grow, you stop attaching yourself to anyone who gives
you a little attention, and you start choosing people who actually match who you’re becoming.
You become more attractive, not because you’re trying harder, but because self-awareness
naturally draws in people who value the same things. With that comes a different kind of
selectiveness — not based on fear, but on clarity. Then there’s the fear of being alone.
A lot of people avoid their own company because being alone makes the uncomfortable parts of
themselves come to the surface. But loneliness and aloneness aren’t the same. Loneliness is the
feeling that something is missing. Aloneness is simply being with yourself without distraction.
When you get comfortable with that space, you stop clinging to people out of fear.
You choose connection because you want it, not because you’re trying to fill a void.
Trauma and low self-esteem create another barrier. Healing can feel slow and unclear,
and it’s easy to assume your past makes you unlovable. It doesn’t. Your history doesn’t
take you out of the running. Healing isn’t about putting your life on hold — it’s about moving
forward more intentionally. The work you’re doing, whether through therapy, reflection, or
learning to trust yourself again, shapes you into someone capable of deeper, healthier connection.
And then there’s the pressure from society — the timelines, the expectations,
the comparisons. It can make you feel behind, as if relationships follow a schedule you failed to
meet. But you’re not late. Love doesn’t run on a clock, and neither does your life. Many meaningful
relationships begin later than expected, often at the moment you’ve grown into the person you were
always meant to be. Conclusion
When you stop chasing people, you start attracting the right ones. When you stop
looking for approval, people naturally respect you more. And when you choose yourself, the people
who are right for you will choose you too. It connects back to the earlier metaphor:
the moment you swipe right on yourself — genuinely — you start to notice that people who are meant
for you have been looking for someone who already made that choice for themselves.
But while you’re working on yourself, be kind to yourself. Progress takes time. You’ll mess up,
backtrack, repeat old patterns, and sometimes feel like you’re not moving
at all. That’s normal. Get up again. Keep going. Growth isn’t clean or perfect.
And don’t avoid relationships altogether until you “fix” everything. There’s no
perfect version of you waiting somewhere in the future. Improvement happens one small step at a
time. What matters most is showing up honestly, communicating clearly, and finding someone who
can hold that space with you - someone who grows with you, not someone you perform for.
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