Buddha says ‘An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a
wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.’
An age-old -problem that contributes to our daily suffering is the presence of negative
or toxic people in one’s life.
Anyone who has experienced such a presence knows how draining it can be; how it can render
you completely unable to enjoy the things you used to.
These kinds of people can make you feel pessimistic, insecure, down, or even afraid.
But everybody has to deal with them.
How?
Keep watching to see how the lessons of Buddhism can help you deal with the difficult people
in your life.
Acknowledge There Are difficult People Around You
Budddha says “Life is suffering.”
According to Buddhism, life has three main aspects, often called 'marks of existence':
Aniccā, Anattā, and Dukkha.
Aniccā, meaning Impermanence, highlights that everything in life is temporary.
Anattā emphasizes the absence of a permanent 'self'; that we are constantly changing.
And Dukkha, often translated as 'suffering' or 'dissatisfaction,’ is the feeling of
discomfort or unease that comes with just being alive."
However, Buddhism doesn’t say that there is nothing you can do about your suffering.
In contrast, Buddhist teachings focus on showing one how to and what one can then do about
it.
You can only escape suffering when you accept its existence and analyze the reality of your
situation and the options you have.
Similarly accepting that some people can be negative or toxic is an important part of
Buddhist teachings.
Buddha recognized various types of negative people, each posing unique challenges to personal
well-being.
There are those who engage in harmful speech, spreading negativity through gossip, criticism,
or deceit.
Others may exhibit behaviors driven by jealousy, envy, or resentment, leading to toxic and
draining interactions.
Additionally, individuals who constantly focus on material pursuits or self-centered desires
without regard for others can also contribute to a negative environment.
Buddha tells us that life is always changing, and relationships aren’t permanent so instead
of fighting against or getting angry about toxic people, Buddhism suggests accepting
the reality to keep our inner calm.
Buddha teaches us that accepting doesn't mean we have to agree or tolerate negativity.
It's about realizing tough times with difficult people are temporary, and finding strength
within ourselves.
By not letting toxic people affect our inner peace, we stay balanced.
In short, Buddha's teachings help us see toxic people as a temporary part of life, and that
understanding can bring us peace.
Practice Restraint According to Buddha “A disciplined mind
brings happiness.”
One day, when Buddha was walking through the village, one man who’d heard of him and
his teachings came up to him and started yelling at him.
‘You’re a fake,’ he shouted at Buddha.
‘You have no right to impose your teachings on others.’
He went on like that for a while.
And meanwhile, Buddha just let him - listening patiently until the man was done and silent.
‘Do you ever give other people gifts?’
Buddha asked him.
The man was taken aback by the question.
‘Yes,’ he said.
‘But what if they refuse to take it?
What would happen to the gift?’
‘Well, I’d keep it,’ said the man.
‘And who would it belong to?’
Buddha asked.
‘Me,’ the man said.
’It would be mine.’
Buddha smiled and then told the man: ‘The same goes for this situation.
You gave me anger and insults, but I don’t accept them, so they stay with you.
They belong to you, not to me.’
This beautiful story is a perfect example of how to deal with negativity in your life.
In short: don’t accept it.
Don’t let it infiltrate your thoughts and emotions.
If you manage to refrain from taking over someone else’s anger or negativity, then
you won’t be affected.
If you, however, react in anger or frustration, you won’t just feel more negative yourself
- you’ll feed off each other’s negativity.
It’s the unwanted gift that keeps on giving - if both of you keep accepting and reacting
to each other’s negativity, that negativity will only get worse.
So how does one stay so detached and peaceful?
It’s all about self-control: when confronted with insults or critique, we usually get a
strong urge to defend ourselves and prove our attackers wrong.
But if you start to do any of this, you’re engaging with their negativity.
You accept their insults.
It will cost energy and affect your mood.
But most importantly, you probably won’t change their mind anyway: in heated moments,
people often can’t see through their own anger, and your energy will be wasted.
You won’t achieve anything worth the trouble.
Furthermore, these difficult people with their negative outlook may actually value your patience
and attentive listening, and they might even develop a liking for you as their negativity
lessens.
By staying patient, listening actively, and not letting negativity affect you, you not
only shield yourself but may also help ease the other person's negativity.
So, practice patience, kindness, and understanding.
It may seem challenging, but it's more achievable than you think.
Think of your words as a limited resource that you need to save up for when it matters
and think of your anger and discomfort as tests of endurance.
This will help you in resisting the temptation to defend yourself impulsively, as it drains
your energy.
However it’s important to remember that patience isn’t a weakness.
It shouldn’t emerge from fear.
You should be patient because you believe in what it can achieve.
In short, when someone gives you negativity, don’t accept it and simply leave it with
them.
Don’t engage and don’t react - just listen patiently until they’re done.
You’ll find what wonders your silence can do.
Practice Clearing Your Mind In the words of Buddha “It is a man’s
own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.”
Criticism can be a good thing - and even if others direct anger at you, this might be
deserved and could help you in your growth.
So where does one find the balance between taking other people’s opinions to heart
and not doing so?
You should listen to them in a way that doesn’t affect you.
Don’t blindly accept the things thrown or yelled at you at first - but do think about
them.
Clear your head before you evaluate someone’s insults and anger.
You might find that someone’s anger is based on a misunderstanding - and you can calmly
try to correct them.
Or perhaps their anger is justified, and you realize this by examining the reasoning without
letting the negative emotions attached to it in.
If this is the case, and you are thinking calmly and objectively, you’ll see this
as an opportunity for growth and think of an apology and how to be better in the future.
It won’t feel negative - in fact it may actually feel good.
So how does one clear their head?
Buddha had a great tip that might help you to do so in the moment itself: don’t try
to get distracted by a person’s tone, expressions, or attitude.
Instead, try to listen to the words only.
If you cannot do this at that moment, you can also wait until you’re in a peaceful
situation to think about it.
One famous type of Buddhist meditation is Shamatha, also known as mindfulness.
It is a style of meditation that focuses on developing clarity and calmness in the mind
with the ultimate goal of inner peace.
The basis of the practice of shamatha, is as follows: Sit comfortably - you can look
up recommended positions for Buddhist meditations - observe the way you breathe without changing
it, and practice ‘touch and go’ on your thoughts, which means that you should acknowledge
every single thought that pops into your head, without engaging with them.
This means that you shouldn’t evaluate the thought, shouldn’t form an opinion on it,
shouldn’t try to argue for or against it, or even try and see what caused it… just
acknowledge its existence and let it go.
Touch and go.
Dealing with your thoughts this way is an incredibly helpful practice for controlling
anger, negative thoughts or emotions other people might arise in you - during an argument,
for example.
Moreover, by doing so, you’ll find that at the end of it, when you’ve acknowledged
all your thoughts without engaging, you’ll feel nothing but calmness and clarity when
you do eventually engage.
The mediation has helped you let go of any anger, frustration, annoyance, et cetera,
and as a result you can now evaluate what made you feel that way without feeling compromised.
So if a difficult person makes you feel negative, make sure to take some time for yourself and
meditate.
When you clear your mind and only react to challenging situations and people with clarity,
you’ll find that someone else’s negativity will never affect you.
Practice Compassion Buddha teaches us to “Forgive others not
because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”
If there is one thing Buddhism always stresses, it’s the importance of empathy and compassion.
Some people in your life can make you feel bad or have a negative effect on you.
But sometimes, you can't or don't want to stop being around them.
Dealing with these people can be extremely tough.
Think of bosses, coworkers, parents, siblings, et cetera.
Often people are negative even without realizing it.
They complain for hours without even realizing that the root cause is their own behavior!
This means that some of the people who complain or criticize really don’t realize that they’re
being negative or that there could be another way of looking at things.
Think back to the story of Buddha and the angry man.
By not accepting the anger, Buddha saved himself from being influenced by the man’s negativity.
But by not walking away and listening, he was able to calm the man down enough to learn
this valuable lesson.
Buddha’s patience and compassion were as important as his resistance and rejection
- both make up a powerful side of the story.
When people in your life - especially those close to you - have negative energy and you
respond with negativity back, the two of you will only increase each other’s misery more
and more.
Ignoring them completely, though, will result in them feeling unheard and frustrated, which
might also cultivate their negativity more - and moreover, you’ll be confronted with
worse the next time you interact with them.
So instead, try to show them patience, empathy, compassion, and indeed forgiveness, if necessary.
Empathy and compassion don’t mean that you have to agree with others - not at all!
But it does mean that you should take the time and energy to try and see things from
their perspective: why do these people in your life see things the way they do?
What makes them feel this way?
Think of someone who’s yelling at you because of an innocent mistake you made.
You might feel frustrated, hurt, or angry at them - but if you let those emotions get
the better of you, the other person will only feel and therefore grow more negativity themselves.
You might want to walk away, but that won’t resolve anything.
Instead, try to listen.
What if they’re behaving the way they are because they didn’t sleep at all last night
and are incredibly stressed.
Maybe they are yelling because they grew up with parents who yelled at them, making them
think it’s normal.
Maybe they are yelling because there’s something else going on in their life that makes them
extra emotional…
And let’s be real - Can you honestly say that you’ve never yelled at someone and
regretted it?
The beauty of this technique is that you’ll find the logic behind their behavior, understand
it, and thus feel any emotion you had about it ebb away.
This act of empathy can then help you to de-escalate the situation.
If you know, for example, the person’s been going through a rough time lately, you can
acknowledge that and offer to talk to them about it.
A kind response to a fit of negativity can throw people off guard, and temporarily take
them out of their destructive mindset.
By not engaging with a negative attitude, and by showing kindness instead, you can drag
people out of their mental rut.
And then they might be able to think clearly and more reasonably, too.
Beyond this, learn to forgive everyone.
Buddha says that we should ‘Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but
because we deserve peace.’
And that’s precisely it.
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you now think what happened to you was okay,
but rather that you are ready to move on.
If you’ve forgiven s omething, you no longer hold onto resentment, and it will gradually
leave your mind.
Practice Right Speech In our final quote from Buddha for this video,
he says “‘Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.”
Buddhism defines ‘right speech’ as the speech that will make you and the other person
the happiest.
This doesn’t mean that you have to say the right or morally correct things all the time,
or that you have to overthink what you’re going to say.
The focus lies on the intention behind the words and their potential impact on the well-being
of individuals and the wider community.
When dealing with difficult people, right speech is the perfect tool to use to keep
yourself calm and happy - and possibly help the other person too.
Here are the rules to follow in order to use right speech:
First, refrain from lying.
The motivations for lying are often not very respectable.
Many people lie because of greed or laziness, for example.
Someone who lies will feel the need to lie more often - either because it was so easy
or because they need to lie more to uphold their original lie.
By allowing yourself to lie, you allow those bad habits to fester.
If you’re lying to save face, this will only end up with you avoiding responsibility
and not growing as a person.
If you’re lying to spare someone’s feelings, you’ll hurt them more if they eventually
find out.
Honesty is the best way to ensure happiness and growth.
Secondly, right speech requires you to abstain from speaking slander.
When someone in your life bothers you, you might find temporary relief in slandering
them behind their back - however, not only will this not achieve any helpful results
in the long term, but this might even have a negative impact on your life.
Speaking slander might alienate the person you’re slandering from other people in their
life, fostering their negative feelings and toxicity.
On the opposite end, people might disagree with you and start to dislike you for your
tendency to gossip, which could alienate you further.
Slander is a negative action that will only bring about negative results.
Buddhism instead encourages you to do the opposite whenever you can: promote friendship
and harmony.
When speaking about another person, try to understand where they’re coming from or
discuss with others what you could do to make interactions with them more pleasant for everyone
around.
Thirdly, speak gently and avoid harsh words.
Harsh words are only meant to cause pain or shock to the recipient - causing more negativity
all around.
When you try to remove the harsh words from a sentence and replace them with gentler synonyms
or phrasings, you’ll see if your sentence still actually means something, or if its
point completely depends on insults or anger.
If that happens, then you’re probably not saying much.
Harsh words are an easy and cheap way to make your listeners feel something - but only if
you can make them feel similar using calm and kind words, does your speech actually
have a profound point.
So if you use harsh words towards a toxic person, you’ll probably only foster their
negativity and fail to bring about any positive change to their or your situation.
If however, you can convince them of something using gentle words, you might have actually
changed their ways.
And lastly, try to refrain from idle chatter.
Buddhism defines idle chatter as pointless talk without any purpose or depth.
When engaging in mindless chatter, you might utter things that you don’t mean, haven’t
thought through, or can cause unnecessary harm.
Or to put it another way: think before you speak!
An important note about idle chatter is that this doesn’t mean that you should never
make small talk - small talk has great purpose in making friends, fostering familiarity,
a positive atmosphere, and making others feel at ease.
Just make sure that when you speak, it’s with a positive outcome in mind.
For example, when you haven’t seen a friend in a while, small talk is made with the purpose
of catching up and rekindling a friendship.
Or when a doctor makes small talk with a patient, it’s to put them at ease.
When you apply this tactic to the difficult people in your life, you’ll find that you
probably don’t need to speak with them as often as you do, and that when you do, it
has a helpful purpose.
In short, right speech is an incredibly helpful tool in dealing with negative people you have
to speak to.
Moreover, thinking over your speech and checking whether it would be ‘right’ forces you
to take your time before speaking and clear your mind in order to do so.
It fosters patience, restraint, mindfulness, and empathy!
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Thanks so much for watching.