Hi, Mariah.

Hi Krista.

I'm so happy to be here.

Thank you so much for coming on.

I'm so excited to talk to you.

I had so many people recommend you

to me being like, we need to have

an etiquette expert on your show.

And I was like, I have to reach

out because I think it's such a

perfect crossover of having your

expertise in sharing everything

you know about etiquette.

Well, that's so sweet.

I'm so excited to dive into all of the

things that we have to talk about today.

Yes.

So before we get started, can

you just share a little bit about

yourself and then what you do?

Sure.

So my name is Mariah Gru at Humber.

I'm the founder of Old Soul Etiquette.

I'm a certified etiquette

and image consultant.

I've written two modern wedding etiquette

books and my whole philosophy on

etiquette is about using it as a tool

instead of these kind of rigid rules.

And you know, I work with companies

and individuals all over the country

to help them look, feel, and think

their best so that they can go out

in the world and shine their light

in the way that they're meant to.

I love that because I feel like

when it comes to like weddings and

events, we hear a lot about etiquette.

Like, this is proper etiquette.

No, this is proper etiquette.

Yes.

And so what would you say is the

difference between etiquette and opinion?

Because I feel like that's

something too, is like.

Opinions come into play.

Also, where you're located on

the map might come into play.

Absolutely.

So what's your take on all that?

So I think when we think about modern

wedding etiquette, the most important

thing to keep in mind is the why

behind the rule, so to speak, right?

that have existed in terms of

like wedding etiquette, tradition

from years and years ago.

Why are we doing these things?

The answer to that question in

most cases is to give our guests a

good experience, to make our guests

feel welcome and taken care of.

But with that, it is our one day

that we can, you know, kind of have

the dream day that we want and make

decisions based on our interests

and our preferences as a couple.

so I think it's really about that

balancing act of how do I not give

up my vision and my dream day.

But let's not forget.

That I'm taking care of a huge

room of people who I wanna have

a really good experience for.

I love that because I feel like a

lot of times we get caught up in I

don't wanna say bridezilla, but like

that if the bride has a boundaries or

expectations, she's labeled a Bridezilla.

Mm-hmm.

But the other way around is like, yes,

they are also your guests, so we should

also consider our guests needs as well.

Yes.

It's not just a one way street.

Absolutely.

And it, even goes beyond the guests too.

Like that made me think when you

said Bridezilla, which I'm, so, I'm

a little scared of that word, right?

I, no one thinks that I was when I

got married, but, I think too that

so much of wedding planning, even

before the event comes from how

you consider the people involved.

So, so much of that comes from

communication and I think when it comes

to setting boundaries or making decisions

as a couple, having, balance of power

decisions between family members.

All that comes back to how we

can communicate our needs and

interests, but also, you know, be

willing to hear out others too.

So even before the big day, making

sure that sometimes we don't think

about etiquette as communication,

but it really is, it's about

putting our best foot forward for

ourselves, but also for others.

Yeah.

************************************************************************************* So like right off the bat, how would you,

this just comes to mind 'cause one of

our, most popular topic, I would say is

either a mother of the groom or mother of

the bride coming in and like controlling

the wedding, planning things behind their

back, just taking things from the bride.

How would you, like, as a bride listening,

if that's something they're going through,

how would you handle that situation?

Like right off the bat?

So let's even go before

that can even happen.

So coming up with a really clear game plan

with your partner is going to be key here.

So you are actually setting intentional

time to sit together and make a game plan.

You know what your

parents are like, right?

And so you can kind of anticipate how,

not always, but you can try to anticipate

how the dominoes are gonna fall or how the

puzzle pieces are gonna fall into place.

And so having that.

Conversation ahead of time where

you can say, this is our game plan.

This is the, you know,

we're agreeing on this.

This is our plan of action, so

that if things do kind of hit the

wall, you can go in as a couple.

I also say when you have any kind of.

Issue arising with a family member.

In my opinion, it's very important

for that member of the couple to

handle their respective family.

so, you know, if you have to have

those difficult conversations,

you can both be involved, but let

that member of the couple lead.

but I think that with that really

kind of laying down the law in

the beginning of this is what our

vision is, this is what we're doing.

but it gets tricky too, and this

is, we can dive deeper in this.

It's very nuanced when you have.

Family members contributing

financially, and you have to give

up a little bit of that control.

So I would say before an issue can even

happen, get ahead of it by really having

a clear game plan with your partner.

Yeah, I know.

I feel like I try to say when we

get these stories, I'm like, there's

usually some kind of red flag or

some kind of hint ahead of time that

maybe something's going to erupt.

I don't feel like it always

comes from left field, like,

whoa, I've never seen this side.

Sometimes I'm sure it does.

but I feel like a lot of times

there's like, oh, she did make

comments that about blank, so

then it kind of happens this way.

So I love that you said that.

And etiquette too, I always say is that

it's really just a fancy word for social

awareness and emotional intelligence.

So if you can really tap into that

and try and anticipate or get ahead

of what these issues might be, so much

of success in relationships comes from

that communication and preparation.

so I always say have, have those

game plans set aside ahead of time.

It really makes a big difference.

and I also tell people, if you

know that you're going to have a

particularly difficult family member,

where can you give them the place

to feel valued in another area?

So if you know that your mother-in-law

or your mom or somebody, your aunt,

grandmother, whatever sister, whatever

it is, is going to try and take over in

some way, get ahead of that by giving

them a job before they can take away

something that's super important to you.

So, for example, if you're like, I don't

even know what colors, this is such a

random example, but I don't even know

what colors I wanna do for invitations.

you know, we're having

trouble making a decision.

you have such a good eye for that.

Can you do some research of, you

know, within the style of wedding

that we're trying to have, can

you come up with some ideas?

Make them feel valued and

needed in a, in an area that

is not super, super key to you.

and that might, may help them let off.

In some other areas, but listen, I

mean, sometimes it's not perfect and

you have to put your foot down and

have those difficult conversations.

Yeah.

And so you also brought up like when

they are financially helping in some

way, so what's your take on that?

If they are helping?

Do they have more of a say

in controlling the wedding?

Or how does that come into play?

So in my first book, I talk

about this kind of step by step.

Way of having the financial

conversations with your family members.

So the first one is obviously having

the conversation with your partner,

doing the research in advance.

So, you know, not exactly how much

things cost, but okay, I wanna have

a large wedding in this geographical

area with, you know, maybe.

this band, this is the general cost

of what things are going to be.

So then when you take the

conversation to your family

members, it's not a free for all.

You've done your research, you

have a, it's almost like you're

treating it as a business meeting.

You have an agenda of

what you wanna cover.

You're also taking into consideration

the timing of the meeting.

It's only for the people

who need to be involved.

There's not extra voices, right?

So you have maybe one with your in-laws

and one with your parents, depending

on who's financially contributing.

And then you really, you know, with the

willingness to compromise and be flexible

in areas, you have to be straightforward

and confident in your questions of

saying, are you able to contribute?

Are how much are you able to contribute?

Being straightforward

about those questions.

And then again, that balance

of power over decisions.

What is super non-negotiable

for you and your partner,

sacred to you, important to you?

Those decisions should be made by you.

I think we live in this

new era now too, where.

Not all, but some parents are starting

to understand that these events are for

the couple and not a family reunion.

Yeah.

but I think it's about letting them feel

valued and included in, places where

you might not have a tight grip on.

Yes.

No, I think that's such an important

thing to say because I think a

lot of times it's miscommunication

and I think it's all out of love.

Yes.

And where they just, they're very excited.

Right.

So they want Yes.

Involved.

so it comes off as like sometimes it

can be controlling and sometimes it can

be like, they're taking this from me.

Right.

Where you make a good point where it's

like, okay, in the beginning, sit down

together, have this conversation not

saying that's gonna solve all problems.

I've read some wild stories where totally.

Where no matter what, there's

gonna be something happening.

But that's a really good point, and

just kind of like having control in the

beginning of being like, we looked this

through, this is what we can afford here.

Yes.

If you wanna help in this area,

that would be really helpful.

Another point too with that is, now

that we live in this modern time of

different financial contributions, right?

In the past it was like the bride's

family paid for the wedding,

and that's sort of how it went.

Mm-hmm.

Now there's so many different

methods of paying for weddings.

Couples are paying for them by themselves.

Both families are contributing,

one family is contributing.

And so if you have both families

contributing, even if it's

not the same monetary value.

Giving them kind of equal responsibility.

So for example, don't have one, family

member pay for the table linens, and

then one family member is paying for

the most important, you know, the,

the vendor or the vendors that day,

like the photographer or this or that.

Try and split it so that, the photographer

and one takes the videographer.

so it feels a little bit more equal.

So nobody's feelings are getting hurt.

But I also think too, when it comes

to dealing with difficult parents,

like you said, it most of the time,

again, not everybody's this lucky,

but most of the time it comes out of

love and excitement most people just

want to feel heard and acknowledged.

And so if they're giving you a hard

time that they're paying for your

dress and they want you in this one,

sometimes that conversation needs to

start with I hear where you're coming

from, you're excited, and you know what?

You've been so gracious to pay for this,

so your opinion does matter to me however.

Mm-hmm.

And then you go into,

you know, this is my day.

This means so much to me.

But just telling them that

their opinion matters to you.

Most people just wanna feel heard.

Right.

Right.

And I know, I feel like it always

starts off as this little thing

that maybe like someone misheard or

something happened and then it just

keeps growing, growing, and growing.

And before you know it,

it's a full on explosion.

Totally.

And invite people.

And it's wild how, I feel like a

lot of these stories are sent to me.

Just a little bit of communication

could have maybe helped it

not, again, not all cases.

I don't want people being like,

it couldn't helped in mine.

but I think a lot of situations it could.

Absolutely.

And then everybody's emotions

are so high during this time.

Yes, it's excitement and it's

joy, but it's also stress and

it's emotional for the couple, and

it's emotional for the parents.

And so again, clear communication that's

not throwing it at a family dinner

where there's 10 people at the table.

It's pulling people aside.

It's making intentional time for

these conversations just constantly

trying to get ahead of the issue.

If you can.

********************************************************************************** Yes.

Yeah, I love that.

Okay, so I reached out to my

audience on different platforms and

asked for some etiquette questions.

Yay.

Things they're going through

or things they've seen.

Okay.

So it says, " I was told if you

went to someone's first wedding

and gave a gift, you don't have to

give one at the second wedding."

I'm going to disagree with that, but I

always say that the gesture of giving

a gift is much more about the gesture

and not about the monetary value.

so perhaps your gift is not of

the same monetary value, but it's

something that you're sending

that works with your budget.

that would be the gracious

thing to do in that situation.

Yeah, I couldn't imagine like, especially

someone that you really care about they

found their new love, like, doesn't

matter, the first wedding didn't work out.

I couldn't imagine showing

up and not giving a gift.

But like, if there's someone important

to me and I'm going to their wedding,

I want to bring them something.

Totally agree.

And it's about the gesture,

not about how much you spend.

Yeah, I love that.

Okay.

"What's a tactful, easy to ask

if they received my gift. If some

time has passed and you haven't

received a thank you card."

I get this question a lot, so there's

two ways you can go about this.

the first one would be to give

them a heads up in the beginning.

And I wanna let you know there's

a package coming your way.

please let me know that you received it.

otherwise I think that there's no

issue in kindly reaching out and

saying, I know there's so much

going on with the mail these days.

I wanna ensure that.

Our gift made it to you and you don't

need to make it about, you may have

not gotten thank you notes yet or

anything like that, but I don't think

there's anything wrong with ensuring

that your gift made it to someone.

Yeah, because I've

definitely done that before.

Just like reaching out, being like,

Hey, it looks like it arrived.

Just wanna make sure, or like same as

you said, like mail's kind of weird.

Just wanna make sure you got the package.

cause I have heard like very.

I don't know how to say it.

People that didn't get thank yous

and calling that out specifically.

Some, a friend of mine told me

a story where she was like, I

had a great aunt of somebody.

They basically call me out and say,

why haven't you written thank yous yet?

And it was like around the holidays,

like a lot was going on and she's

like, so I felt very targeted.

So big proponent of thank you notes,

I'm etiquette trainer, like I obviously

still champion handwritten thank you

notes, but I will say that it's poor

etiquette to point out poor etiquette.

So if you know, you can think to

yourself that I love thank you notes.

So when someone doesn't send

one, I'm totally noticing, but

I would never point that out.

But that's a generational thing.

I mean, I get comments on my social

media from the older generation

saying, what do I do when I've sent

so many nice wedding gifts and I

have not received thank you notes?

And the answer is nothing.

You know, it's not a, you weren't giving

the gift for something in return, right?

So there's nothing for you to do.

But for the people listening,

write your thank you notes.

I love a thank you note.

I'm right there with you.

I love a handwritten Thank you note.

I remember my husband and I after

our wedding, I was like, we like

split out, all the people that

came to the wedding or just gift.

And I was like, okay, we need

to get like 10 done a day.

So smart.

What do you think the proper,

like timeframe after a

wedding is to be able to send one?

A wedding is different than

a regular thank, you know,

obviously, because you have to

take into consideration honeymoons.

Maybe people are, you

know, moving in together.

it's a big life event.

So I would say, you know, you could

do it from six to eight weeks from

your wedding, that would be ideal.

However, it's never too late.

So if life comes up and you haven't

gotten to them and you're thinking to

yourself, this is past the point of no

return, it's not, you can still send them.

Yeah.

Okay.

Awesome.

should you give a gift at the wedding and

the shower if you're invited to both."

So this is very geographical.

I found in my research

when I was writing my book.

So I was raised in the northeast,

and the custom here is that you

typically give a physical gift for

the shower off the registry, and

then you would give a monetary gift.

For the wedding.

That's the way that we

do it in the northeast.

But I understand that it's

not that way everywhere.

I know the south, they like physical

gifts and you know, in other places it's,

so I think that again, I would recommend

doing a gift for both, whether that

be a monetary gift or a physical gift.

Now, a few things to consider.

Consider your budget.

Again, like I said about the

gifts originally, this is about

the gesture of you giving the

gift, not the actual gift, right?

It's not about the actual monetary value.

So do what you can think

about it ahead of time.

Come up with the budget for the gift,

and then split that between, or if

you perhaps wanna do something larger

for the shower, you do something

smaller for the actual wedding.

and in most places in the country, I have

to say, 'cause not all, it's not proper

to bring a physical gift to the wedding

unless it's a card with a monetary gift.

Yeah.

I feel like that's pretty normal.

Like where I'm from, the Midwest, like we.

Typically we'll bring like the

physical gift to the shower and

it's like a card to the wedding.

Yes.

I think in our old wedding we

had a few people bring gifts.

Mm-hmm.

Like off the registry, which was great.

we didn't expect it.

but yeah, I feel like that's a great idea

of thinking about your overall budget.

Like okay, I know I'm invited to both my

budget's 200 or whatever, so I'm gonna do

50 for the shower and one 50 for the wine.

Exactly.

That's really smart.

Exactly.

Then you're not empty

handed at the shower.

And because I think a lot of times people

think then, oh, I have to go and I have

to spend all this money for both things.

So thinking about it,

big picture is great.

it doesn't need to break your budgets

because you know, you have, you may have

to travel, you may have, if you're like

me, you have 150 weddings in a year.

So it's, you know, you

have to kind of plan ahead.

Yeah,

so you brought up a good point just now

saying if you have to travel, so another

thing I've seen is if you do have to

travel to a wedding, like playing for a

hotel flight, all that, you don't have

to give a gift, like a monetary gift.

What is your take on that?

I'm gonna

say the same exact answer is that.

Something, could be a cookbook, it

could be all the friends pitch in for a

gift card to their favorite restaurant.

It doesn't have to be, you've spent so

much money traveling, so it's, again,

it could be a candle for their home.

Right.

I'm not trying to tell people that

they need to spend more than they're

able to just think about the gesture.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

if you are given a dress code for

a wedding, but you can't afford the

new outfit to fit the dress code,

what's the proper protocol for that?

Oh, this is a good question.

I would say I feel like I need a little

bit more context because, I feel like

there's a lot that you can do to work

into dress codes, but I would say if.

It's black tie and you can't afford

a tuxedo, then, you know, a black

suit would be the best next option.

I wouldn't say don't go, but I would

say respect to the dress code as

much as you can, there's a reason

why that couple designated this dress

code for their wedding, depending

on their preferences or their venue.

but I feel like I would need a little

more context because I feel like there's

a lot, especially as women, that you can

kind of fit into to many dress codes.

Right.

Yeah.

Like if it's, if they're like

need like a very specific

color, I could get that right.

Very hard.

But, um, and also there's a lot of

rental options out there too for tuxedos

and for, you know, gowns, dresses.

So don't purchase one

if you don't need to.

There's plenty of rental options

or borrow from one of your friends.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's a

great idea.

okay, I've got a couple more.

If I got a gift from a couple that

does not live together, should

I send two separate thank yous?

Oh, that's a good question too.

These are really good questions.

I would say, again, this will

depend on the individual situation.

If one member of the couple is the.

the relationship you have.

So perhaps this is, you know, your

friend from college and their boyfriend

that they met after college that you

don't have a great relationship with.

I would say you could send it

to her home with his name on

the card and that would suffice.

but if they're both equally

your, friends as a couple, then

I would send one to each home.

Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

is it acceptable to send a

gift to the couple from their

registry a week after the wedding?

Sure.

Absolutely.

I. Then last one.

my family is inviting people to my

wedding without asking myself or my

fiance, how do I go about uninviting them?

Okay.

So the uninviting part I don't think

is possible at this point because.

How far are you in the process?

Did they send to save the date?

Was it a verbal discussion?

Like, where are you in the process?

I would say that if it was a

conversation and they didn't

actually send an invitation, you

don't have to send an invitation.

You could, unfortunately, your family

member is going to have to say that

you're at capacity and it's going to be

on them to have to have that difficult

conversation if they've already sent

an invitation or a save the date.

Without you knowing.

Unfortunately, there's not much you

can do about that, but I think that

this is a perfect example of one of

those things that you have the printed

out guest list in front of your family

members before you get ready to send

out, save the dates, and you say.

You take a look at this, you take

a look at this because it's not

changing after save the dates go out.

Yeah.

And so this is one of those, things

that you know, but again, maybe

you did have that conversation and

they didn't respect that, but you

may have to have that conversation

with them that we're at capacity.

This is what you know, it's not

about money, it's not about this.

This is the guest list that we

had and we don't appreciate you.

Inviting people that we hadn't

discussed as a family when we were

originally writing out the guest list.

Because of course, if your parents

are paying, they should be able

to, you know, contribute to that

discussion of who's being invited.

But again, that, comes with

that preparation, right?

You sit down with them and you say, okay,

we have 150 people we've come up with.

A hundred and since both

parents are contributing to

the wedding, here's 25 for you.

Here's 25 for you.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, definitely.

I would say that's probably like

one of the most shocking things

I've read in some of these stories.

People inviting people that

were never a part of the list.

That's crazy.

yeah, like I had one that, mother-in-law

reprinted her own invitations and

sent them out to her friends they

didn't find out until, I think,

I wanna say like someone called

them or they bumped into someone.

They're like, oh, I can't

wait for your wedding.

And they're like, what

Krista?

This is where the etiquette,

like it doesn't eat.

This is so beyond anything that

like, it's just like, holy cow.

Yeah, that's where, like we

were saying earlier, it's

like some of these, it's like.

You got so out of left field, you

just don't know who's showing up.

Either and I think it was like the

mom wouldn't tell who she invited.

She's like, oh, just some friends.

So that she wouldn't tell.

So they didn't know who was gonna show up.

They didn't know what places to have.

So that was probably like one of

the most shocking things I've read.

Certainly.

Shocking.

I mean, I don't know if you put this

on video, but you could see my face.

I'm so shocked.

Oh my gosh.

Okay.

Next little segment is gonna be a

rapid fire wedding etiquette edition.

so it'll be kind of like a yes or no

for these wedding etiquette questions.

Okay.

Okay.

Is it rude to wear white

if it's not bridal?

Right?

Yes.

Yeah.

Should you bring a plus one

if your invite doesn't say so?

Absolutely not.

Is it okay to leave

before the cake is cut?

Yes.

Can I not rapid fire this one?

Yeah.

I would say again, because we, weddings

come in all shapes and sizes now and

not everybody does it as a big event.

They might do it on the side

just for a picture opportunity.

They might not even have a cake.

So I would say, you know, in

that case, use your judgment

of when would be too early.

But generally speaking it's fine because

it's, weddings are all different now.

Yeah, Should you post photos before the

couple does?

No, and that's again, one of

those old fashioned things.

Well, can't be that old fashioned because

social media is relatively new, but I

would say until the, you know, the couple

posts a picture, especially if you have

a bride in a traditional gown, they

may not wanna share those photos yet.

So, seems like everybody does it now,

but in my opinion, it's best not to.

Yes.

And put your phone away

during the ceremony.

Oh my goodness.

Yes.

That's,

a big, that's a whole

other conversation.

pay attention to the signs

or the officiant Who says,

put your phone away, please.

Yes.

do you have to give a

gift if you can't attend?

Yes.

But it doesn't need to be anything crazy.

Usually if I can't attend, I would

pick a small item off of their

registry and wish them well with that.

So you, so even if, let's say it's

like someone you hardly have a

relationship with, you are like

really surprised you even got invited.

You think still you should send something?

Mm-hmm.

I would.

Okay.

That's good

to

know.

They,

they, for whatever reason, hopefully

they have good intentions, but for

whatever reason you made that list,

they wanted to celebrate the most

important day of their life with you.

Mm-hmm.

So if you can spend $20 on it.

Something to send to

them and wish them well.

And if that's not something that your

budget allows, you can send them a card.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

And do you feel the same when it comes to

like other events like baby shower, bridal

shower, birthday party, sending something,

same thing.

You know, for those smaller

events, a card might be plenty.

but the gesture of, you know, saying

I appreciate the invitation and

I'm thinking of you is really nice.

Okay.

I love that.

Is it rude to decline being in a wedding?

No, absolutely not.

I think it's become really a beast being

a part of a wedding these days, right?

It's and it has a large

impact financially.

It takes a lot of time.

You might be in a stage of your

life for whatever reason that you're

not able to, and it doesn't mean

that you love that person any less.

But again, this is where as a couple,

you need to kind of define the

expectation in the beginning to your

wedding party of what will be involved.

And then if.

You're not able to accept that, to

just be honest with them that this is

not a time in your life that you're

able to accept this, but it doesn't

mean that their wedding means any

less to you, and perhaps you can have

a role somewhere else in helping.

Yeah, and I feel like that's one

of those things, like we're told

like, oh, to take it personal, oh,

if someone doesn't wanna be in our

wedding, that's such a bad thing.

But it's almost like kind

because they're like, no.

I can't be my best self in your wedding.

Exactly, exactly.

I'd rather be there as a guest and

support you that way, I feel like it's

a very mature response to be able to

look at their finances or their time

and be like, this is my best role.

I'm sorry.

Again, don't

be

afraid to have those conversations.

You can't over communicate.

Right.

So.

on either end.

So don't be afraid to, to have those

conversations and don't put yourself in a

situation financially or, you know, time

commitment that you're not able to, again,

like you said, show up in the best way.

can you ask someone to step

down from the wedding party?

Only

if it's an extreme, extreme situation.

I do see that a lot of

times in stories too.

do you have to invite someone to the

wedding if they're invited to the shower?

I see this a lot.

Yes.

it's proper etiquette to have, even when

it comes to like, from starting with

the engagement party, if you have one,

again, you might not have your list.

Completely defined by then, but everybody

who was invited to the engagement party

should also be invited to the wedding.

Obviously, the wedding will

likely be larger, but everybody

invited to the shower should

also be going to the wedding.

The exception to this is perhaps your

job wants to throw you a shower or, You

know, perhaps you're part of a team or a

hobby that you have where you don't have a

super, super close relationship with them

enough to invite them to the wedding, but

they have a small celebration for you.

That would be kind of the exception, but

the general shower should include people

who are also invited to the wedding.

Yes.

Yeah.

I had never heard of people just getting

invited to the shower until I was seeing

it in comments, and these women would be

like, yeah, is it weird that my niece or

whatever just invited me to the shower?

And I was like, yes, yes.

That's very yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Or I guess,

unless maybe they're like

eloping and not having a wedding.

Right, right.

So of course there's exceptions, right?

Of course.

If they're having like a, as you said,

eloping or doing immediate family only,

but this is the way they wanna celebrate.

With the other important

people in their life.

But generally speaking, for a traditional

wedding, everyone invited to the shower

should also be invited to the wedding.

Yes.

can you invite someone to the reception?

Only

again, if it is a situation

where it's immediate family.

And you're having a private ceremony,

and perhaps it's a religious ceremony

or whatever it is, but that would have

to be like an all or nothing thing.

So it would either have to be just

immediate family and then all of the

rest of the guests at the reception

can't just be like a handful.

Right, right.

All right.

A couple more here.

should the bride and

groom greet every table?

Yes, in some capacity.

And again, it's, hard to say because.

Some wedding styles don't

have that, like kind of same.

Layout anymore, right?

That traditional layout.

But I would say in some way you

should plan to greet your guests.

So even if you're not having real,

a real like sit down situation, but

you have like a cocktail situation,

are both making every effort to

talk to as many people as you can.

And again, this doesn't have to be like

a make or break it situation, but the

attempt to greet your guests is important.

And if your parents Are also

contributing to the wedding and hosting.

You may divide and conquer if

there's not enough time, right?

Allow them to greet, some guests,

you greet some guests, but I would

say in a perfect situation, you are

making the time Two visit tables.

Yeah.

We did something, I've talked about this

before, but we did something called the

Mission Impossible at our wedding, where

they put on the Mission Impossible Music

and then we had to go to every table

and get a picture with all of them.

Oh, that's really fun.

It was like a quick, fun way to

like get in a picture and say

like, Hey guys, and like all round

up so that we didn't feel like.

Guilty if we didn't.

I still tried to make an effort to

talk to everybody, but like, yes, yes.

It still made us feel like,

oh, we saw everybody and it

was our photographer's idea.

And she's like, it's a great idea.

It was at so many weddings and she's

like, it makes people feel like

they got to see you and like hug

you for a second or chat, you know?

And it was great.

It was all in like three minutes.

That's a great idea.

But I also think, you know, and I'm

a big proponent of host etiquette and

guest etiquette, but I think this is

the one day too where guests can be.

need to give the couple, the benefit

of the doubt that if they don't

make it to the table, it's not

because they're trying to be rude.

Right?

There's, you have so many things to do on

this day, and it goes by in a flash, and

so I think that the attempt of doing it Is

the important part, but if the execution

is not perfect, don't be hard on yourself.

This is the one day where

even an etiquette trainer will

allow you to slip up in that.

In that case, yes.

It to be realistic, right?

You have to be realistic,

right?

Because yeah, you hear of the people

pleaser or like super kind bride

where she spends her whole night then

greeting everybody and she misses out.

So it's like you do have to

kind of take into consideration

like what's your timeline?

Is talking to this person for 30

minutes actually feasible, right?

Or do you need hold away?

Right.

we had a smaller, we had actually

a very non-traditional wedding,

but we had a smaller, wedding.

And even in a small wedding, like just

the way the layout was, we started with

the tables and then we had to sit down

because something else started and we

didn't make it to every single one.

Yeah.

And I mean the idea was there,

the intention was there, but

you have to be realistic.

Yeah, exactly.

can the bride's mom wear the

same color as bridesmaids?

If it's okay with the bride?

I don't think there's

anything wrong with that.

I feel like it, because some people

have very specific color palettes,

so they might want all the family

in black or all the family in Navy

or everybody in a shade of blue.

I didn't have a wedding party, but I had,

my mom and mother-in-law and my sister,

who was my maid of honor, all in gold.

So I think it's the couple's preference.

Yep.

I love that.

Okay, last one.

How do you handle guests

who ignore the dress code?

There's nothing that you can do

in the moment, unfortunately.

And.

I would say at the ti, are you,

do you think, you mean like,

or this was this question maybe

in relation to like on the day?

Yes.

I think

on

the

day,

if someone,

okay,

either wearing white or they're

wearing jeans or you know, whatever.

I want you to be so wrapped up in being

excited about your day and excited about

marrying the person you're marrying.

That if someone shows up.

Totally not dressed properly.

It's on them and not you.

I hope that you don't even

realize because you're Yeah.

So engulfed in Joy.

I know.

I had one friend that was like, I

dunno if so, stress is the right way

to put it, but she was like overly

thinking about this one uncle that wears

jeans to every event and she's like,

I just don't want him to wear jeans.

And I was like, if he does.

There's not much you can do.

And like there's no point in like

starting a whole thing with his

family 'cause he's gonna wear jeans.

Like if he wears jeans,

he'll be the guy in jeans.

and then maybe he just won't be in photos

or you won't see the bottom half of him.

You know?

Just don't let it take away

from your joy on that day.

'cause it's something so

minuscule at the end of the day.

Totally.

And I, I wish guests would be more careful

with dress codes and really respect that.

This is what the.

Couples desired.

but again, it doesn't

always work out that way.

But again, I hope you're, I hope

you're so distracted by the joy of

the day that you don't even notice.

Yeah,

exactly.

Okay.

Time for this week's story submission.

So, okay.

Someone sent this me.

feel free to stop me or I'll take pauses.

Okay.

When I think back on my wedding,

I remember how wonderful it

was and how much fun we had.

I definitely don't think about all

the drama that led up to it during the

planning process, but when I look at

it objectively, almost every vendor

aside from the main catering company

was replaced before the big day.

My oldest friend ghosted me after

planning a bachelorette party.

I would've been miserable at.

And my niece ripped the front of my dress

right before I walked down the aisle.

Yet still, it was truly an amazing day.

Well, that's a good way to start it.

what's coming?

Like, she looked at it very

positively, All these terrible things

happen, but it was still great.

I like her attitude.

I feel like a lot of it does have to

do with like your attitude and your

outlook on the day because You could

let rain ruin your day or you could

be like, you know what, look how

beautiful these photos are gonna be.

Perspective is everything.

my husband and I chose to get

married on my grandparents'

66th, the wedding anniversary.

It was a special date and since my

grandfather was ill, we wanted to

honor them While we still could,

we booked a local venue and went

through a list of approved vendors,

selected a catering company that

also provided a day of coordinator.

Two days before the wedding, I

received an email that the coordinator

I had worked with for months

was no longer with the company.

A woman I had never met who I also didn't

meet on the day of was taking her place.

She assured me everything

would be handled, and to

her credit, most of it was.

But something fell through the cracks.

We had brought sentimental items like

custom cake knife my brother-in-law

made, and the champagne flutes from

my husband's grandparents' wedding

for our cake cutting and toast.

These never made it to our reception

because the new coordinator didn't

know about them and didn't return my

calls the day before to review details.

Our videographer was another disaster.

I paid a hefty deposit, but two months

before the wedding, he told me he was

moving outta state, couldn't refund

the money, then blocked my number

and stopped responding to emails.

Gosh, how, I mean, how do you even handle

that situation if they block you that

that's cr, I mean, I Maybe

you get involved legally.

I feel like that's the only

way at that point, that's the

only way is that contact them.

Right.

That's terrible.

Just because he is moving outta state.

You wanna lose your, this is

all the same

person that's had this.

Oh goodness.

It's wild.

Oh my gosh.

Thankfully we found another videographer

who had a last minute cancellation

and could fit us in for a smaller

package within our reduced budget.

And now you're out that money

till you know you can get it.

Right.

That's why I was saying maybe

you need to get involved legally.

I don't, you know?

Yeah.

A week before the wedding,

the photographer I had

booked was in a car accident.

Oh my gosh.

This poor bride and groom.

A need a knee surgery.

The company assigned a replacement

photographer who showed up in a short

cheetah print dress in fishnet tights.

Her assistant handled the

groomsman photos, but never got

a solo shot of my husband, even

though it was on the shot list.

The photographer did a solid job, but

her personality and style weren't what I

wouldn't have chosen if I had a choice.

I feel like if you go through like

a bigger company and they assign

someone you don't really know.

We are gonna get or

what they're gonna wear.

You don't really have a say on that.

Right?

I agree.

Because that's what we did

and we got really lucky.

Like our girl was awesome, she was

great and really hands-on, but you

don't really, that's kinda like the

price you pay if you don't meet them.

Right, right.

still I was grateful we had someone

there to capture the day, three

weeks before the wedding, our DJ

canceled due to a family emergency.

My goodness.

This is like a tale.

This doesn't even sound like, I

know it's a true story, but it

doesn't even sound like it could be.

No, something's gotta get sent to me.

I like will post and people

are like, this can't be true.

And I'm like, I don't know.

This is no.

A real human wrote it.

Someone sent it into me.

So.

We couldn't find anyone else on

short notice, so we made our own

playlist, over 300 songs organized

by the event, pre ceremony ceremony,

cocktail hour dinner, and reception.

We even spaced out slow and fast

songs for a balance and labeled all

the key moments like our first dance.

Good on them.

That's amazing.

I was going to say, they really are

making lemonade out of lemons here.

Yes.

I think that this is such a good

foundation for a really happy and

healthy life together with being able

to, Figure out all of these solutions at

such a high stress time in the moment.

I'm sure they were not

thinking about that.

They were panicking, but in

hindsight, kudos to them.

Yeah.

Honestly, that's a really good point about

like your wedding day like the planning up

to it is a really good example of how are

you gonna tackle, like issues that come up

in your marriage or issues that come up.

Conflict

resolution and communication.

Yeah.

But

with

that being said, it still sucks.

Yes, it definitely still sucks

and I feel like you can still

feel upset about those things.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

she said, unfortunately, once

the reception started, a guest

decided to hit shuffle completely

undoing hours of careful planning.

Oh my goodness.

Our cake was another curve ball.

When my mother-in-law picked it up the

night before the wedding, it looked

nothing like what we had ordered.

After the rehearsal, she brought it

to me and spent an hour scraping off

the icing and reapplying it to look

closer to the inspiration photo.

Oh my gosh.

Oh

my gosh.

This is horrible.

And then my mom was hospitalized with

a kidney infection just four days.

I'm like, when does it stop?

is there still more to read?

There's still more.

There's still like three paragraphs.

Oh my goodness.

This poor couple.

I'm glad that it started

with, it was a great day.

And I love her.

Right.

I love her attitude.

I love her attitude.

But

this is,

she has a right to kind

of like stomp her foot.

Yes.

This is like a full on, you can

make this into a movie or something.

Right?

Right.

My mom was hospitalized with

a kidney infection just four

days before the wedding.

She needed surgery, but was released

the morning of, she attended the

wedding in a wheelchair and went

home after the first dances to rest.

Oh my gosh.

That's so sad.

It's breaking.

Oh.

Some of my favorite photos from that

night are of my husband pushing her

wheelchair onto the dance floor so we

could share our mother-daughter dance.

I didn't have a maid of honor,

just a group of bridesmaids, but

my oldest friend tried to take

over the bachelorette planning.

I had explained that because our

group ranged from ages 17 to 38.

I didn't want to go to bars so

my underage sister couldn't go.

and also needed to keep

things budget friendly.

Mm-hmm.

I wanted something relaxing and fun

with my closest friends and family.

She ignored all of that.

Booked an expensive Airbnb, insisted

on going to a nightclub made

dinner reservations at a five star

steakhouse costing over a hundred

dollars per person without drinks.

Soon, four of the eight girls

called to apologize saying they

couldn't afford it, but still

wanted to be a part of the wedding.

At that point, I stepped in, canceled

the $600 per person weekend, and

planned a cozy hotel night instead.

Pizza, junk food, cheesy movies.

It cost under $75 each and

was exactly what I wanted.

My friend ghosted me afterwards

and never spoke to me again

despite my attempts to reach out.

Oh my gosh.

Okay.

The day before the wedding, my

brother-in-law made fun of the groomsman

suit color, and my husband agreed.

It was terrible until we realized

it wasn't the color we chose.

Oh my gosh.

Oh no.

Men's warehouse had mixed up

the order for every groomsman.

After a flurry of calls and panic, another

brother-in-law found matching ties at

Macy's and Men's Warehouse swapped out the

vest to coordinate with the gray suits.

Crisis averted then came

the wedding day itself.

Oh my gosh.

I really hope nothing bad

happens on the money day.

Oh my goodness.

Since we didn't have a DJ and I

never met the new coordinator, we

asked a friend to play the ceremony

music, and as the wedding party

walked down the aisle, my flower

girls, my nieces were the last to go.

One of them got her shoe caught on

the tool of my dress, tearing it right

before I was supposed to walk, I tried

to signal the music guy to pause, but

he started playing my walk in music

anyway, so I tore off the rest of the

tool layer, stuffed it in a bush, and

kept walking like nothing happened.

This girl is a rock star.

I bow down to her.

I really do.

She, you know what, that makes me think

that this girl is quick on her feet.

she's got good perspective.

Yeah.

kudos to her.

She's a problem solver.

Like, she's like redesigning

her wedding gown seconds before

she's walking down the aisle.

she's.

Definitely quick on her V and that's

a really good skill to have in life.

It is.

She's like, you know what?

I didn't need that layer anyway.

No, whoop right off click on her.

Yeah.

It makes me wonder like

what she does for work.

She must be like an event coordinator.

Right?

Like thinking

quick something where you have to

be flexible and quick on your feet

and good at making decisions fast.

Yeah.

To top it off, the dress itself

wasn't even the one I had ordered.

What?

But it was still beautiful, honestly.

So was everything else.

The day may not have gone as planned,

but it was perfect in its own way.

I married the love of my

life and we smiled all night.

I think this is a good lesson for

everybody and obviously you put your

heart and soul in planning the best

day and know, you want things to go

perfectly and you want things to be

great for your guests but you, you

really sometimes have to take a step back

and it's so hard when you're so in it.

I mean, I'm recently married

so I remember being so in it,

but you take a step back and.

Think about, know, you're marrying the

person that you want to hopefully, you're

in a room filled with the most important

people in your life, which happens like

at your wedding and then like later in

life, right, For a not so happy day.

So if you can really focus and have that

perspective and zoom out and look at

the big picture and which I think that

this person did a wonderful job at, I

think it's a good lesson for everyone.

I love that.

Yeah, I've been saying this to

people before too, like for my

wedding, I felt like at that point

I remember my makeup artist saying

like, you are one of the most calm

brides I've ever done makeup for.

And I was like, well, I figure at this

point all my friends and family are here.

If something happens.

What am I gonna do?

Like that's how I felt too on the day

of, I was not so chill leading up to it.

But on the day of, I

actually surprised myself.

Yeah.

But I had the same feeling.

the most important people

in my life are here.

So if we sit on the ground and eat

pizza, that, you know, it is what it is.

It's, I get to marry the

person I love with the people

around me that mean the most.

That's really what it's with that

being said, you are allowed to

throw a little fit to yourself.

If something doesn't

go, it doesn't go wrong.

Yeah.

As long, I mean, doesn't go right

as long as it's to yourself.

Yes.

No, absolutely.

'cause I feel like every bride I

talked to there, if you look back,

I'm sure there's a couple whole slip

ups or a couple things of course

happened the way it was supposed to.

Of course.

but yeah, it is about perspective

and being able to look back and

just being like, okay, this is like.

The most amazing people in my life

are here and I'm just, you know,

grateful to be surrounded by them.

and some things you can't control, right?

You try and control so much when you

plan your wedding, but some things

are just totally out of your control.

Yeah, no, for sure.

So what would you say, like

some, like parting advice, as

I always, I read confessions.

At the end of this, but with this

story and just like people that are

maybe in the midst of their wedding

planning right now, what's some like,

just parting advice you would say when

it comes to etiquette and planning?

maybe wedding stress, that

kind of comes to mind.

I know that's kind of

like a big ballpark, but.

Anything that comes to mind.

I

think it, it really goes back to what

I said before, that this is the day

that your job is to balance how can I

create a great experience for my guests

and respect my family and the people

contributing to the wedding, but not

allow that to take away from me having.

The day that my partner and I dream

of having, you know, how can I respect

traditions that are important for my

family, but also bring in things that

really mean a lot to us as a couple.

so I think that the details are so

important because it's what makes the day.

But I think that story again was

the perfect example of, having a

good attitude and communicating well

and not letting the stress get the

best of you if you're really in it.

I probably would've.

Rolled my eyes if someone said that to me

when I was planning, like, don't get the

stress, don't let the stress get to you.

But when I look back, I think the

one thing I wish I did differently

was stress a little less.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And so I think it's, if you can really

focus on that, you're so socially aware

and emotionally and aware that you're

having your dream day, but you're not

forgetting that you're also touching other

people's lives In the process of it, and

you kind of have the power to make that

a good experience for everyone involved.

Yeah, that makes me think of too, it's

like if you wake up on the wrong side

of the bed, you know, and like something

happens, like you stub your toe, it's

gonna be the worst thing in the world.

So true.

When you wake up and like the sun's

shining and you st your toe, you're

just gonna like laugh it off.

It's so true.

It's like, it's all about that

perspective of if you start

your day off and you're like.

Three things are gonna

go wrong today, whatever.

And you just like, enjoy the day and

enjoy being surrounded by people.

It's gonna be such a better experience.

You don't want those little,

like, little things get to you.

Exactly.

It's so hard, but it's true.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Okay.

I always like to like end these with

confessions that people send me.

Talking about like wedding gifts

and giving people, gifts at showers.

These are Okay.

Weirdest gifts that people have received.

Oh, this is fun.

Okay.

this says a used Turkey roaster used.

Okay.

That's probably not very good etiquette.

Okay.

Yeah.

Don't listen.

okay to regift, but it

doesn't, it can't be used.

my husband's friend gave us

a candle and a gallon Ziploc.

Oh, full of condoms.

Okay.

I did not read that whole thing.

Hey.

All right.

my boss, who was both of our

bosses, got us one round TV

tray, or not two, one for $10.

All right, last one here.

My father-in-law got a box full of ketchup

as a wedding gift, and he loved it.

Know your options, I

guess, to each their own.

Maybe that's what he loves.

but maybe that was the best gift

giver because they purchased

something for him that he loves.

Yeah.

Right.

It's about, again, I had,

it said it a million times.

It's about the gesture and thinking of the

person more so than the monetary value.

Yes.

What's your take on?

cause I never thought this was a

thing until people were posting,

wearing black to a wedding.

I think that this is very outdated

back in the day, it was, much more

suited as a color of mourning.

It was a more serious color.

And, but I think that that

has evolved over time.

And black can be really chic.

That doesn't mean that it's black tie,

you have to wear black, but I don't

think there's anything wrong with wearing

black It's also a, cultural thing too.

Different colors at different weddings.

So if you're attending a wedding of a

culture that is different from yours,

you might wanna do some research or

ask a family member of the couple

of what the proper protocol is.

Okay.

But generally speaking, there's

nothing wrong with wearing black.

Okay.

That's what I know.

I was like reading all these

stories about people showing up in

black and it seen as a bad thing.

And I was like, I think I've worn

black to a couple weddings, but like.

I don't know.

Yeah, I think that's outdated.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, awesome.

Well, thank you so much for coming on.

I'm so glad Oh, my pleasure.

To connect.

I've learned so much from you, and

I'm sure our audience will too,

because I'm always ending questions

about etiquette and like, especially

when it comes to weddings and events.

So this was so awesome.

Well,

thank

you for having me.

This was such a fun conversation.

before you go, can you just share

again your social handles where

people can find you, the names of

your books and all that good stuff?

Sure.

So my website is www.oldsouletiquette.com.

I'm on Instagram and TikTok as

Mariah Grumet Humbert, H-U-M-B-E-R-T.

my first book is, what Do I Do?

Every Wedding Etiquette Question Answered.

the second book is The

Essential Wedding Planner.

Awesome.

I love it.

We'll link

them below as well so people

can check you.