Hi, Mariah.
Hi Krista.
I'm so happy to be here.
Thank you so much for coming on.
I'm so excited to talk to you.
I had so many people recommend you
to me being like, we need to have
an etiquette expert on your show.
And I was like, I have to reach
out because I think it's such a
perfect crossover of having your
expertise in sharing everything
you know about etiquette.
Well, that's so sweet.
I'm so excited to dive into all of the
things that we have to talk about today.
Yes.
So before we get started, can
you just share a little bit about
yourself and then what you do?
Sure.
So my name is Mariah Gru at Humber.
I'm the founder of Old Soul Etiquette.
I'm a certified etiquette
and image consultant.
I've written two modern wedding etiquette
books and my whole philosophy on
etiquette is about using it as a tool
instead of these kind of rigid rules.
And you know, I work with companies
and individuals all over the country
to help them look, feel, and think
their best so that they can go out
in the world and shine their light
in the way that they're meant to.
I love that because I feel like
when it comes to like weddings and
events, we hear a lot about etiquette.
Like, this is proper etiquette.
No, this is proper etiquette.
Yes.
And so what would you say is the
difference between etiquette and opinion?
Because I feel like that's
something too, is like.
Opinions come into play.
Also, where you're located on
the map might come into play.
Absolutely.
So what's your take on all that?
So I think when we think about modern
wedding etiquette, the most important
thing to keep in mind is the why
behind the rule, so to speak, right?
that have existed in terms of
like wedding etiquette, tradition
from years and years ago.
Why are we doing these things?
The answer to that question in
most cases is to give our guests a
good experience, to make our guests
feel welcome and taken care of.
But with that, it is our one day
that we can, you know, kind of have
the dream day that we want and make
decisions based on our interests
and our preferences as a couple.
so I think it's really about that
balancing act of how do I not give
up my vision and my dream day.
But let's not forget.
That I'm taking care of a huge
room of people who I wanna have
a really good experience for.
I love that because I feel like a
lot of times we get caught up in I
don't wanna say bridezilla, but like
that if the bride has a boundaries or
expectations, she's labeled a Bridezilla.
Mm-hmm.
But the other way around is like, yes,
they are also your guests, so we should
also consider our guests needs as well.
Yes.
It's not just a one way street.
Absolutely.
And it, even goes beyond the guests too.
Like that made me think when you
said Bridezilla, which I'm, so, I'm
a little scared of that word, right?
I, no one thinks that I was when I
got married, but, I think too that
so much of wedding planning, even
before the event comes from how
you consider the people involved.
So, so much of that comes from
communication and I think when it comes
to setting boundaries or making decisions
as a couple, having, balance of power
decisions between family members.
All that comes back to how we
can communicate our needs and
interests, but also, you know, be
willing to hear out others too.
So even before the big day, making
sure that sometimes we don't think
about etiquette as communication,
but it really is, it's about
putting our best foot forward for
ourselves, but also for others.
Yeah.
************************************************************************************* So like right off the bat, how would you,
this just comes to mind 'cause one of
our, most popular topic, I would say is
either a mother of the groom or mother of
the bride coming in and like controlling
the wedding, planning things behind their
back, just taking things from the bride.
How would you, like, as a bride listening,
if that's something they're going through,
how would you handle that situation?
Like right off the bat?
So let's even go before
that can even happen.
So coming up with a really clear game plan
with your partner is going to be key here.
So you are actually setting intentional
time to sit together and make a game plan.
You know what your
parents are like, right?
And so you can kind of anticipate how,
not always, but you can try to anticipate
how the dominoes are gonna fall or how the
puzzle pieces are gonna fall into place.
And so having that.
Conversation ahead of time where
you can say, this is our game plan.
This is the, you know,
we're agreeing on this.
This is our plan of action, so
that if things do kind of hit the
wall, you can go in as a couple.
I also say when you have any kind of.
Issue arising with a family member.
In my opinion, it's very important
for that member of the couple to
handle their respective family.
so, you know, if you have to have
those difficult conversations,
you can both be involved, but let
that member of the couple lead.
but I think that with that really
kind of laying down the law in
the beginning of this is what our
vision is, this is what we're doing.
but it gets tricky too, and this
is, we can dive deeper in this.
It's very nuanced when you have.
Family members contributing
financially, and you have to give
up a little bit of that control.
So I would say before an issue can even
happen, get ahead of it by really having
a clear game plan with your partner.
Yeah, I know.
I feel like I try to say when we
get these stories, I'm like, there's
usually some kind of red flag or
some kind of hint ahead of time that
maybe something's going to erupt.
I don't feel like it always
comes from left field, like,
whoa, I've never seen this side.
Sometimes I'm sure it does.
but I feel like a lot of times
there's like, oh, she did make
comments that about blank, so
then it kind of happens this way.
So I love that you said that.
And etiquette too, I always say is that
it's really just a fancy word for social
awareness and emotional intelligence.
So if you can really tap into that
and try and anticipate or get ahead
of what these issues might be, so much
of success in relationships comes from
that communication and preparation.
so I always say have, have those
game plans set aside ahead of time.
It really makes a big difference.
and I also tell people, if you
know that you're going to have a
particularly difficult family member,
where can you give them the place
to feel valued in another area?
So if you know that your mother-in-law
or your mom or somebody, your aunt,
grandmother, whatever sister, whatever
it is, is going to try and take over in
some way, get ahead of that by giving
them a job before they can take away
something that's super important to you.
So, for example, if you're like, I don't
even know what colors, this is such a
random example, but I don't even know
what colors I wanna do for invitations.
you know, we're having
trouble making a decision.
you have such a good eye for that.
Can you do some research of, you
know, within the style of wedding
that we're trying to have, can
you come up with some ideas?
Make them feel valued and
needed in a, in an area that
is not super, super key to you.
and that might, may help them let off.
In some other areas, but listen, I
mean, sometimes it's not perfect and
you have to put your foot down and
have those difficult conversations.
Yeah.
And so you also brought up like when
they are financially helping in some
way, so what's your take on that?
If they are helping?
Do they have more of a say
in controlling the wedding?
Or how does that come into play?
So in my first book, I talk
about this kind of step by step.
Way of having the financial
conversations with your family members.
So the first one is obviously having
the conversation with your partner,
doing the research in advance.
So, you know, not exactly how much
things cost, but okay, I wanna have
a large wedding in this geographical
area with, you know, maybe.
this band, this is the general cost
of what things are going to be.
So then when you take the
conversation to your family
members, it's not a free for all.
You've done your research, you
have a, it's almost like you're
treating it as a business meeting.
You have an agenda of
what you wanna cover.
You're also taking into consideration
the timing of the meeting.
It's only for the people
who need to be involved.
There's not extra voices, right?
So you have maybe one with your in-laws
and one with your parents, depending
on who's financially contributing.
And then you really, you know, with the
willingness to compromise and be flexible
in areas, you have to be straightforward
and confident in your questions of
saying, are you able to contribute?
Are how much are you able to contribute?
Being straightforward
about those questions.
And then again, that balance
of power over decisions.
What is super non-negotiable
for you and your partner,
sacred to you, important to you?
Those decisions should be made by you.
I think we live in this
new era now too, where.
Not all, but some parents are starting
to understand that these events are for
the couple and not a family reunion.
Yeah.
but I think it's about letting them feel
valued and included in, places where
you might not have a tight grip on.
Yes.
No, I think that's such an important
thing to say because I think a
lot of times it's miscommunication
and I think it's all out of love.
Yes.
And where they just, they're very excited.
Right.
So they want Yes.
Involved.
so it comes off as like sometimes it
can be controlling and sometimes it can
be like, they're taking this from me.
Right.
Where you make a good point where it's
like, okay, in the beginning, sit down
together, have this conversation not
saying that's gonna solve all problems.
I've read some wild stories where totally.
Where no matter what, there's
gonna be something happening.
But that's a really good point, and
just kind of like having control in the
beginning of being like, we looked this
through, this is what we can afford here.
Yes.
If you wanna help in this area,
that would be really helpful.
Another point too with that is, now
that we live in this modern time of
different financial contributions, right?
In the past it was like the bride's
family paid for the wedding,
and that's sort of how it went.
Mm-hmm.
Now there's so many different
methods of paying for weddings.
Couples are paying for them by themselves.
Both families are contributing,
one family is contributing.
And so if you have both families
contributing, even if it's
not the same monetary value.
Giving them kind of equal responsibility.
So for example, don't have one, family
member pay for the table linens, and
then one family member is paying for
the most important, you know, the,
the vendor or the vendors that day,
like the photographer or this or that.
Try and split it so that, the photographer
and one takes the videographer.
so it feels a little bit more equal.
So nobody's feelings are getting hurt.
But I also think too, when it comes
to dealing with difficult parents,
like you said, it most of the time,
again, not everybody's this lucky,
but most of the time it comes out of
love and excitement most people just
want to feel heard and acknowledged.
And so if they're giving you a hard
time that they're paying for your
dress and they want you in this one,
sometimes that conversation needs to
start with I hear where you're coming
from, you're excited, and you know what?
You've been so gracious to pay for this,
so your opinion does matter to me however.
Mm-hmm.
And then you go into,
you know, this is my day.
This means so much to me.
But just telling them that
their opinion matters to you.
Most people just wanna feel heard.
Right.
And I know, I feel like it always
starts off as this little thing
that maybe like someone misheard or
something happened and then it just
keeps growing, growing, and growing.
And before you know it,
it's a full on explosion.
Totally.
And invite people.
And it's wild how, I feel like a
lot of these stories are sent to me.
Just a little bit of communication
could have maybe helped it
not, again, not all cases.
I don't want people being like,
it couldn't helped in mine.
but I think a lot of situations it could.
Absolutely.
And then everybody's emotions
are so high during this time.
Yes, it's excitement and it's
joy, but it's also stress and
it's emotional for the couple, and
it's emotional for the parents.
And so again, clear communication that's
not throwing it at a family dinner
where there's 10 people at the table.
It's pulling people aside.
It's making intentional time for
these conversations just constantly
trying to get ahead of the issue.
If you can.
********************************************************************************** Yes.
Yeah, I love that.
Okay, so I reached out to my
audience on different platforms and
asked for some etiquette questions.
Yay.
Things they're going through
or things they've seen.
Okay.
So it says, " I was told if you
went to someone's first wedding
and gave a gift, you don't have to
give one at the second wedding."
I'm going to disagree with that, but I
always say that the gesture of giving
a gift is much more about the gesture
and not about the monetary value.
so perhaps your gift is not of
the same monetary value, but it's
something that you're sending
that works with your budget.
that would be the gracious
thing to do in that situation.
Yeah, I couldn't imagine like, especially
someone that you really care about they
found their new love, like, doesn't
matter, the first wedding didn't work out.
I couldn't imagine showing
up and not giving a gift.
But like, if there's someone important
to me and I'm going to their wedding,
I want to bring them something.
Totally agree.
And it's about the gesture,
not about how much you spend.
Yeah, I love that.
Okay.
"What's a tactful, easy to ask
if they received my gift. If some
time has passed and you haven't
received a thank you card."
I get this question a lot, so there's
two ways you can go about this.
the first one would be to give
them a heads up in the beginning.
And I wanna let you know there's
a package coming your way.
please let me know that you received it.
otherwise I think that there's no
issue in kindly reaching out and
saying, I know there's so much
going on with the mail these days.
I wanna ensure that.
Our gift made it to you and you don't
need to make it about, you may have
not gotten thank you notes yet or
anything like that, but I don't think
there's anything wrong with ensuring
that your gift made it to someone.
Yeah, because I've
definitely done that before.
Just like reaching out, being like,
Hey, it looks like it arrived.
Just wanna make sure, or like same as
you said, like mail's kind of weird.
Just wanna make sure you got the package.
cause I have heard like very.
I don't know how to say it.
People that didn't get thank yous
and calling that out specifically.
Some, a friend of mine told me
a story where she was like, I
had a great aunt of somebody.
They basically call me out and say,
why haven't you written thank yous yet?
And it was like around the holidays,
like a lot was going on and she's
like, so I felt very targeted.
So big proponent of thank you notes,
I'm etiquette trainer, like I obviously
still champion handwritten thank you
notes, but I will say that it's poor
etiquette to point out poor etiquette.
So if you know, you can think to
yourself that I love thank you notes.
So when someone doesn't send
one, I'm totally noticing, but
I would never point that out.
But that's a generational thing.
I mean, I get comments on my social
media from the older generation
saying, what do I do when I've sent
so many nice wedding gifts and I
have not received thank you notes?
And the answer is nothing.
You know, it's not a, you weren't giving
the gift for something in return, right?
So there's nothing for you to do.
But for the people listening,
write your thank you notes.
I love a thank you note.
I'm right there with you.
I love a handwritten Thank you note.
I remember my husband and I after
our wedding, I was like, we like
split out, all the people that
came to the wedding or just gift.
And I was like, okay, we need
to get like 10 done a day.
So smart.
What do you think the proper,
like timeframe after a
wedding is to be able to send one?
A wedding is different than
a regular thank, you know,
obviously, because you have to
take into consideration honeymoons.
Maybe people are, you
know, moving in together.
it's a big life event.
So I would say, you know, you could
do it from six to eight weeks from
your wedding, that would be ideal.
However, it's never too late.
So if life comes up and you haven't
gotten to them and you're thinking to
yourself, this is past the point of no
return, it's not, you can still send them.
Yeah.
Okay.
Awesome.
should you give a gift at the wedding and
the shower if you're invited to both."
So this is very geographical.
I found in my research
when I was writing my book.
So I was raised in the northeast,
and the custom here is that you
typically give a physical gift for
the shower off the registry, and
then you would give a monetary gift.
For the wedding.
That's the way that we
do it in the northeast.
But I understand that it's
not that way everywhere.
I know the south, they like physical
gifts and you know, in other places it's,
so I think that again, I would recommend
doing a gift for both, whether that
be a monetary gift or a physical gift.
Now, a few things to consider.
Consider your budget.
Again, like I said about the
gifts originally, this is about
the gesture of you giving the
gift, not the actual gift, right?
It's not about the actual monetary value.
So do what you can think
about it ahead of time.
Come up with the budget for the gift,
and then split that between, or if
you perhaps wanna do something larger
for the shower, you do something
smaller for the actual wedding.
and in most places in the country, I have
to say, 'cause not all, it's not proper
to bring a physical gift to the wedding
unless it's a card with a monetary gift.
Yeah.
I feel like that's pretty normal.
Like where I'm from, the Midwest, like we.
Typically we'll bring like the
physical gift to the shower and
it's like a card to the wedding.
Yes.
I think in our old wedding we
had a few people bring gifts.
Mm-hmm.
Like off the registry, which was great.
we didn't expect it.
but yeah, I feel like that's a great idea
of thinking about your overall budget.
Like okay, I know I'm invited to both my
budget's 200 or whatever, so I'm gonna do
50 for the shower and one 50 for the wine.
Exactly.
That's really smart.
Exactly.
Then you're not empty
handed at the shower.
And because I think a lot of times people
think then, oh, I have to go and I have
to spend all this money for both things.
So thinking about it,
big picture is great.
it doesn't need to break your budgets
because you know, you have, you may have
to travel, you may have, if you're like
me, you have 150 weddings in a year.
So it's, you know, you
have to kind of plan ahead.
Yeah,
so you brought up a good point just now
saying if you have to travel, so another
thing I've seen is if you do have to
travel to a wedding, like playing for a
hotel flight, all that, you don't have
to give a gift, like a monetary gift.
What is your take on that?
I'm gonna
say the same exact answer is that.
Something, could be a cookbook, it
could be all the friends pitch in for a
gift card to their favorite restaurant.
It doesn't have to be, you've spent so
much money traveling, so it's, again,
it could be a candle for their home.
Right.
I'm not trying to tell people that
they need to spend more than they're
able to just think about the gesture.
Yeah.
Okay, great.
if you are given a dress code for
a wedding, but you can't afford the
new outfit to fit the dress code,
what's the proper protocol for that?
Oh, this is a good question.
I would say I feel like I need a little
bit more context because, I feel like
there's a lot that you can do to work
into dress codes, but I would say if.
It's black tie and you can't afford
a tuxedo, then, you know, a black
suit would be the best next option.
I wouldn't say don't go, but I would
say respect to the dress code as
much as you can, there's a reason
why that couple designated this dress
code for their wedding, depending
on their preferences or their venue.
but I feel like I would need a little
more context because I feel like there's
a lot, especially as women, that you can
kind of fit into to many dress codes.
Right.
Yeah.
Like if it's, if they're like
need like a very specific
color, I could get that right.
Very hard.
But, um, and also there's a lot of
rental options out there too for tuxedos
and for, you know, gowns, dresses.
So don't purchase one
if you don't need to.
There's plenty of rental options
or borrow from one of your friends.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's a
great idea.
okay, I've got a couple more.
If I got a gift from a couple that
does not live together, should
I send two separate thank yous?
Oh, that's a good question too.
These are really good questions.
I would say, again, this will
depend on the individual situation.
If one member of the couple is the.
the relationship you have.
So perhaps this is, you know, your
friend from college and their boyfriend
that they met after college that you
don't have a great relationship with.
I would say you could send it
to her home with his name on
the card and that would suffice.
but if they're both equally
your, friends as a couple, then
I would send one to each home.
Yeah.
Okay.
Great.
is it acceptable to send a
gift to the couple from their
registry a week after the wedding?
Sure.
Absolutely.
I. Then last one.
my family is inviting people to my
wedding without asking myself or my
fiance, how do I go about uninviting them?
Okay.
So the uninviting part I don't think
is possible at this point because.
How far are you in the process?
Did they send to save the date?
Was it a verbal discussion?
Like, where are you in the process?
I would say that if it was a
conversation and they didn't
actually send an invitation, you
don't have to send an invitation.
You could, unfortunately, your family
member is going to have to say that
you're at capacity and it's going to be
on them to have to have that difficult
conversation if they've already sent
an invitation or a save the date.
Without you knowing.
Unfortunately, there's not much you
can do about that, but I think that
this is a perfect example of one of
those things that you have the printed
out guest list in front of your family
members before you get ready to send
out, save the dates, and you say.
You take a look at this, you take
a look at this because it's not
changing after save the dates go out.
Yeah.
And so this is one of those, things
that you know, but again, maybe
you did have that conversation and
they didn't respect that, but you
may have to have that conversation
with them that we're at capacity.
This is what you know, it's not
about money, it's not about this.
This is the guest list that we
had and we don't appreciate you.
Inviting people that we hadn't
discussed as a family when we were
originally writing out the guest list.
Because of course, if your parents
are paying, they should be able
to, you know, contribute to that
discussion of who's being invited.
But again, that, comes with
that preparation, right?
You sit down with them and you say, okay,
we have 150 people we've come up with.
A hundred and since both
parents are contributing to
the wedding, here's 25 for you.
Here's 25 for you.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, definitely.
I would say that's probably like
one of the most shocking things
I've read in some of these stories.
People inviting people that
were never a part of the list.
That's crazy.
yeah, like I had one that, mother-in-law
reprinted her own invitations and
sent them out to her friends they
didn't find out until, I think,
I wanna say like someone called
them or they bumped into someone.
They're like, oh, I can't
wait for your wedding.
And they're like, what
Krista?
This is where the etiquette,
like it doesn't eat.
This is so beyond anything that
like, it's just like, holy cow.
Yeah, that's where, like we
were saying earlier, it's
like some of these, it's like.
You got so out of left field, you
just don't know who's showing up.
Either and I think it was like the
mom wouldn't tell who she invited.
She's like, oh, just some friends.
So that she wouldn't tell.
So they didn't know who was gonna show up.
They didn't know what places to have.
So that was probably like one of
the most shocking things I've read.
Certainly.
Shocking.
I mean, I don't know if you put this
on video, but you could see my face.
I'm so shocked.
Oh my gosh.
Okay.
Next little segment is gonna be a
rapid fire wedding etiquette edition.
so it'll be kind of like a yes or no
for these wedding etiquette questions.
Okay.
Is it rude to wear white
if it's not bridal?
Right?
Yes.
Yeah.
Should you bring a plus one
if your invite doesn't say so?
Absolutely not.
Is it okay to leave
before the cake is cut?
Yes.
Can I not rapid fire this one?
Yeah.
I would say again, because we, weddings
come in all shapes and sizes now and
not everybody does it as a big event.
They might do it on the side
just for a picture opportunity.
They might not even have a cake.
So I would say, you know, in
that case, use your judgment
of when would be too early.
But generally speaking it's fine because
it's, weddings are all different now.
Yeah, Should you post photos before the
couple does?
No, and that's again, one of
those old fashioned things.
Well, can't be that old fashioned because
social media is relatively new, but I
would say until the, you know, the couple
posts a picture, especially if you have
a bride in a traditional gown, they
may not wanna share those photos yet.
So, seems like everybody does it now,
but in my opinion, it's best not to.
Yes.
And put your phone away
during the ceremony.
Oh my goodness.
Yes.
That's,
a big, that's a whole
other conversation.
pay attention to the signs
or the officiant Who says,
put your phone away, please.
Yes.
do you have to give a
gift if you can't attend?
Yes.
But it doesn't need to be anything crazy.
Usually if I can't attend, I would
pick a small item off of their
registry and wish them well with that.
So you, so even if, let's say it's
like someone you hardly have a
relationship with, you are like
really surprised you even got invited.
You think still you should send something?
Mm-hmm.
I would.
Okay.
That's good
to
know.
They,
they, for whatever reason, hopefully
they have good intentions, but for
whatever reason you made that list,
they wanted to celebrate the most
important day of their life with you.
Mm-hmm.
So if you can spend $20 on it.
Something to send to
them and wish them well.
And if that's not something that your
budget allows, you can send them a card.
Yeah.
Okay, great.
And do you feel the same when it comes to
like other events like baby shower, bridal
shower, birthday party, sending something,
same thing.
You know, for those smaller
events, a card might be plenty.
but the gesture of, you know, saying
I appreciate the invitation and
I'm thinking of you is really nice.
Okay.
I love that.
Is it rude to decline being in a wedding?
No, absolutely not.
I think it's become really a beast being
a part of a wedding these days, right?
It's and it has a large
impact financially.
It takes a lot of time.
You might be in a stage of your
life for whatever reason that you're
not able to, and it doesn't mean
that you love that person any less.
But again, this is where as a couple,
you need to kind of define the
expectation in the beginning to your
wedding party of what will be involved.
And then if.
You're not able to accept that, to
just be honest with them that this is
not a time in your life that you're
able to accept this, but it doesn't
mean that their wedding means any
less to you, and perhaps you can have
a role somewhere else in helping.
Yeah, and I feel like that's one
of those things, like we're told
like, oh, to take it personal, oh,
if someone doesn't wanna be in our
wedding, that's such a bad thing.
But it's almost like kind
because they're like, no.
I can't be my best self in your wedding.
Exactly, exactly.
I'd rather be there as a guest and
support you that way, I feel like it's
a very mature response to be able to
look at their finances or their time
and be like, this is my best role.
I'm sorry.
Again, don't
be
afraid to have those conversations.
You can't over communicate.
Right.
So.
on either end.
So don't be afraid to, to have those
conversations and don't put yourself in a
situation financially or, you know, time
commitment that you're not able to, again,
like you said, show up in the best way.
can you ask someone to step
down from the wedding party?
Only
if it's an extreme, extreme situation.
I do see that a lot of
times in stories too.
do you have to invite someone to the
wedding if they're invited to the shower?
I see this a lot.
Yes.
it's proper etiquette to have, even when
it comes to like, from starting with
the engagement party, if you have one,
again, you might not have your list.
Completely defined by then, but everybody
who was invited to the engagement party
should also be invited to the wedding.
Obviously, the wedding will
likely be larger, but everybody
invited to the shower should
also be going to the wedding.
The exception to this is perhaps your
job wants to throw you a shower or, You
know, perhaps you're part of a team or a
hobby that you have where you don't have a
super, super close relationship with them
enough to invite them to the wedding, but
they have a small celebration for you.
That would be kind of the exception, but
the general shower should include people
who are also invited to the wedding.
Yes.
Yeah.
I had never heard of people just getting
invited to the shower until I was seeing
it in comments, and these women would be
like, yeah, is it weird that my niece or
whatever just invited me to the shower?
And I was like, yes, yes.
That's very yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Or I guess,
unless maybe they're like
eloping and not having a wedding.
Right, right.
So of course there's exceptions, right?
Of course.
If they're having like a, as you said,
eloping or doing immediate family only,
but this is the way they wanna celebrate.
With the other important
people in their life.
But generally speaking, for a traditional
wedding, everyone invited to the shower
should also be invited to the wedding.
Yes.
can you invite someone to the reception?
Only
again, if it is a situation
where it's immediate family.
And you're having a private ceremony,
and perhaps it's a religious ceremony
or whatever it is, but that would have
to be like an all or nothing thing.
So it would either have to be just
immediate family and then all of the
rest of the guests at the reception
can't just be like a handful.
Right, right.
All right.
A couple more here.
should the bride and
groom greet every table?
Yes, in some capacity.
And again, it's, hard to say because.
Some wedding styles don't
have that, like kind of same.
Layout anymore, right?
That traditional layout.
But I would say in some way you
should plan to greet your guests.
So even if you're not having real,
a real like sit down situation, but
you have like a cocktail situation,
are both making every effort to
talk to as many people as you can.
And again, this doesn't have to be like
a make or break it situation, but the
attempt to greet your guests is important.
And if your parents Are also
contributing to the wedding and hosting.
You may divide and conquer if
there's not enough time, right?
Allow them to greet, some guests,
you greet some guests, but I would
say in a perfect situation, you are
making the time Two visit tables.
Yeah.
We did something, I've talked about this
before, but we did something called the
Mission Impossible at our wedding, where
they put on the Mission Impossible Music
and then we had to go to every table
and get a picture with all of them.
Oh, that's really fun.
It was like a quick, fun way to
like get in a picture and say
like, Hey guys, and like all round
up so that we didn't feel like.
Guilty if we didn't.
I still tried to make an effort to
talk to everybody, but like, yes, yes.
It still made us feel like,
oh, we saw everybody and it
was our photographer's idea.
And she's like, it's a great idea.
It was at so many weddings and she's
like, it makes people feel like
they got to see you and like hug
you for a second or chat, you know?
And it was great.
It was all in like three minutes.
That's a great idea.
But I also think, you know, and I'm
a big proponent of host etiquette and
guest etiquette, but I think this is
the one day too where guests can be.
need to give the couple, the benefit
of the doubt that if they don't
make it to the table, it's not
because they're trying to be rude.
Right?
There's, you have so many things to do on
this day, and it goes by in a flash, and
so I think that the attempt of doing it Is
the important part, but if the execution
is not perfect, don't be hard on yourself.
This is the one day where
even an etiquette trainer will
allow you to slip up in that.
In that case, yes.
It to be realistic, right?
You have to be realistic,
right?
Because yeah, you hear of the people
pleaser or like super kind bride
where she spends her whole night then
greeting everybody and she misses out.
So it's like you do have to
kind of take into consideration
like what's your timeline?
Is talking to this person for 30
minutes actually feasible, right?
Or do you need hold away?
Right.
we had a smaller, we had actually
a very non-traditional wedding,
but we had a smaller, wedding.
And even in a small wedding, like just
the way the layout was, we started with
the tables and then we had to sit down
because something else started and we
didn't make it to every single one.
Yeah.
And I mean the idea was there,
the intention was there, but
you have to be realistic.
Yeah, exactly.
can the bride's mom wear the
same color as bridesmaids?
If it's okay with the bride?
I don't think there's
anything wrong with that.
I feel like it, because some people
have very specific color palettes,
so they might want all the family
in black or all the family in Navy
or everybody in a shade of blue.
I didn't have a wedding party, but I had,
my mom and mother-in-law and my sister,
who was my maid of honor, all in gold.
So I think it's the couple's preference.
Yep.
I love that.
Okay, last one.
How do you handle guests
who ignore the dress code?
There's nothing that you can do
in the moment, unfortunately.
And.
I would say at the ti, are you,
do you think, you mean like,
or this was this question maybe
in relation to like on the day?
Yes.
I think
on
the
day,
if someone,
okay,
either wearing white or they're
wearing jeans or you know, whatever.
I want you to be so wrapped up in being
excited about your day and excited about
marrying the person you're marrying.
That if someone shows up.
Totally not dressed properly.
It's on them and not you.
I hope that you don't even
realize because you're Yeah.
So engulfed in Joy.
I know.
I had one friend that was like, I
dunno if so, stress is the right way
to put it, but she was like overly
thinking about this one uncle that wears
jeans to every event and she's like,
I just don't want him to wear jeans.
And I was like, if he does.
There's not much you can do.
And like there's no point in like
starting a whole thing with his
family 'cause he's gonna wear jeans.
Like if he wears jeans,
he'll be the guy in jeans.
and then maybe he just won't be in photos
or you won't see the bottom half of him.
You know?
Just don't let it take away
from your joy on that day.
'cause it's something so
minuscule at the end of the day.
Totally.
And I, I wish guests would be more careful
with dress codes and really respect that.
This is what the.
Couples desired.
but again, it doesn't
always work out that way.
But again, I hope you're, I hope
you're so distracted by the joy of
the day that you don't even notice.
Yeah,
exactly.
Okay.
Time for this week's story submission.
So, okay.
Someone sent this me.
feel free to stop me or I'll take pauses.
Okay.
When I think back on my wedding,
I remember how wonderful it
was and how much fun we had.
I definitely don't think about all
the drama that led up to it during the
planning process, but when I look at
it objectively, almost every vendor
aside from the main catering company
was replaced before the big day.
My oldest friend ghosted me after
planning a bachelorette party.
I would've been miserable at.
And my niece ripped the front of my dress
right before I walked down the aisle.
Yet still, it was truly an amazing day.
Well, that's a good way to start it.
what's coming?
Like, she looked at it very
positively, All these terrible things
happen, but it was still great.
I like her attitude.
I feel like a lot of it does have to
do with like your attitude and your
outlook on the day because You could
let rain ruin your day or you could
be like, you know what, look how
beautiful these photos are gonna be.
Perspective is everything.
my husband and I chose to get
married on my grandparents'
66th, the wedding anniversary.
It was a special date and since my
grandfather was ill, we wanted to
honor them While we still could,
we booked a local venue and went
through a list of approved vendors,
selected a catering company that
also provided a day of coordinator.
Two days before the wedding, I
received an email that the coordinator
I had worked with for months
was no longer with the company.
A woman I had never met who I also didn't
meet on the day of was taking her place.
She assured me everything
would be handled, and to
her credit, most of it was.
But something fell through the cracks.
We had brought sentimental items like
custom cake knife my brother-in-law
made, and the champagne flutes from
my husband's grandparents' wedding
for our cake cutting and toast.
These never made it to our reception
because the new coordinator didn't
know about them and didn't return my
calls the day before to review details.
Our videographer was another disaster.
I paid a hefty deposit, but two months
before the wedding, he told me he was
moving outta state, couldn't refund
the money, then blocked my number
and stopped responding to emails.
Gosh, how, I mean, how do you even handle
that situation if they block you that
that's cr, I mean, I Maybe
you get involved legally.
I feel like that's the only
way at that point, that's the
only way is that contact them.
Right.
That's terrible.
Just because he is moving outta state.
You wanna lose your, this is
all the same
person that's had this.
Oh goodness.
It's wild.
Oh my gosh.
Thankfully we found another videographer
who had a last minute cancellation
and could fit us in for a smaller
package within our reduced budget.
And now you're out that money
till you know you can get it.
Right.
That's why I was saying maybe
you need to get involved legally.
I don't, you know?
Yeah.
A week before the wedding,
the photographer I had
booked was in a car accident.
Oh my gosh.
This poor bride and groom.
A need a knee surgery.
The company assigned a replacement
photographer who showed up in a short
cheetah print dress in fishnet tights.
Her assistant handled the
groomsman photos, but never got
a solo shot of my husband, even
though it was on the shot list.
The photographer did a solid job, but
her personality and style weren't what I
wouldn't have chosen if I had a choice.
I feel like if you go through like
a bigger company and they assign
someone you don't really know.
We are gonna get or
what they're gonna wear.
You don't really have a say on that.
Right?
I agree.
Because that's what we did
and we got really lucky.
Like our girl was awesome, she was
great and really hands-on, but you
don't really, that's kinda like the
price you pay if you don't meet them.
Right, right.
still I was grateful we had someone
there to capture the day, three
weeks before the wedding, our DJ
canceled due to a family emergency.
My goodness.
This is like a tale.
This doesn't even sound like, I
know it's a true story, but it
doesn't even sound like it could be.
No, something's gotta get sent to me.
I like will post and people
are like, this can't be true.
And I'm like, I don't know.
This is no.
A real human wrote it.
Someone sent it into me.
So.
We couldn't find anyone else on
short notice, so we made our own
playlist, over 300 songs organized
by the event, pre ceremony ceremony,
cocktail hour dinner, and reception.
We even spaced out slow and fast
songs for a balance and labeled all
the key moments like our first dance.
Good on them.
That's amazing.
I was going to say, they really are
making lemonade out of lemons here.
Yes.
I think that this is such a good
foundation for a really happy and
healthy life together with being able
to, Figure out all of these solutions at
such a high stress time in the moment.
I'm sure they were not
thinking about that.
They were panicking, but in
hindsight, kudos to them.
Yeah.
Honestly, that's a really good point about
like your wedding day like the planning up
to it is a really good example of how are
you gonna tackle, like issues that come up
in your marriage or issues that come up.
Conflict
resolution and communication.
Yeah.
But
with
that being said, it still sucks.
Yes, it definitely still sucks
and I feel like you can still
feel upset about those things.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
she said, unfortunately, once
the reception started, a guest
decided to hit shuffle completely
undoing hours of careful planning.
Oh my goodness.
Our cake was another curve ball.
When my mother-in-law picked it up the
night before the wedding, it looked
nothing like what we had ordered.
After the rehearsal, she brought it
to me and spent an hour scraping off
the icing and reapplying it to look
closer to the inspiration photo.
Oh my gosh.
Oh
my gosh.
This is horrible.
And then my mom was hospitalized with
a kidney infection just four days.
I'm like, when does it stop?
is there still more to read?
There's still more.
There's still like three paragraphs.
Oh my goodness.
This poor couple.
I'm glad that it started
with, it was a great day.
And I love her.
Right.
I love her attitude.
But
this is,
she has a right to kind
of like stomp her foot.
Yes.
This is like a full on, you can
make this into a movie or something.
Right?
Right.
My mom was hospitalized with
a kidney infection just four
days before the wedding.
She needed surgery, but was released
the morning of, she attended the
wedding in a wheelchair and went
home after the first dances to rest.
Oh my gosh.
That's so sad.
It's breaking.
Oh.
Some of my favorite photos from that
night are of my husband pushing her
wheelchair onto the dance floor so we
could share our mother-daughter dance.
I didn't have a maid of honor,
just a group of bridesmaids, but
my oldest friend tried to take
over the bachelorette planning.
I had explained that because our
group ranged from ages 17 to 38.
I didn't want to go to bars so
my underage sister couldn't go.
and also needed to keep
things budget friendly.
Mm-hmm.
I wanted something relaxing and fun
with my closest friends and family.
She ignored all of that.
Booked an expensive Airbnb, insisted
on going to a nightclub made
dinner reservations at a five star
steakhouse costing over a hundred
dollars per person without drinks.
Soon, four of the eight girls
called to apologize saying they
couldn't afford it, but still
wanted to be a part of the wedding.
At that point, I stepped in, canceled
the $600 per person weekend, and
planned a cozy hotel night instead.
Pizza, junk food, cheesy movies.
It cost under $75 each and
was exactly what I wanted.
My friend ghosted me afterwards
and never spoke to me again
despite my attempts to reach out.
Oh my gosh.
Okay.
The day before the wedding, my
brother-in-law made fun of the groomsman
suit color, and my husband agreed.
It was terrible until we realized
it wasn't the color we chose.
Oh my gosh.
Oh no.
Men's warehouse had mixed up
the order for every groomsman.
After a flurry of calls and panic, another
brother-in-law found matching ties at
Macy's and Men's Warehouse swapped out the
vest to coordinate with the gray suits.
Crisis averted then came
the wedding day itself.
Oh my gosh.
I really hope nothing bad
happens on the money day.
Oh my goodness.
Since we didn't have a DJ and I
never met the new coordinator, we
asked a friend to play the ceremony
music, and as the wedding party
walked down the aisle, my flower
girls, my nieces were the last to go.
One of them got her shoe caught on
the tool of my dress, tearing it right
before I was supposed to walk, I tried
to signal the music guy to pause, but
he started playing my walk in music
anyway, so I tore off the rest of the
tool layer, stuffed it in a bush, and
kept walking like nothing happened.
This girl is a rock star.
I bow down to her.
I really do.
She, you know what, that makes me think
that this girl is quick on her feet.
she's got good perspective.
Yeah.
kudos to her.
She's a problem solver.
Like, she's like redesigning
her wedding gown seconds before
she's walking down the aisle.
she's.
Definitely quick on her V and that's
a really good skill to have in life.
It is.
She's like, you know what?
I didn't need that layer anyway.
No, whoop right off click on her.
Yeah.
It makes me wonder like
what she does for work.
She must be like an event coordinator.
Right?
Like thinking
quick something where you have to
be flexible and quick on your feet
and good at making decisions fast.
Yeah.
To top it off, the dress itself
wasn't even the one I had ordered.
What?
But it was still beautiful, honestly.
So was everything else.
The day may not have gone as planned,
but it was perfect in its own way.
I married the love of my
life and we smiled all night.
I think this is a good lesson for
everybody and obviously you put your
heart and soul in planning the best
day and know, you want things to go
perfectly and you want things to be
great for your guests but you, you
really sometimes have to take a step back
and it's so hard when you're so in it.
I mean, I'm recently married
so I remember being so in it,
but you take a step back and.
Think about, know, you're marrying the
person that you want to hopefully, you're
in a room filled with the most important
people in your life, which happens like
at your wedding and then like later in
life, right, For a not so happy day.
So if you can really focus and have that
perspective and zoom out and look at
the big picture and which I think that
this person did a wonderful job at, I
think it's a good lesson for everyone.
I love that.
Yeah, I've been saying this to
people before too, like for my
wedding, I felt like at that point
I remember my makeup artist saying
like, you are one of the most calm
brides I've ever done makeup for.
And I was like, well, I figure at this
point all my friends and family are here.
If something happens.
What am I gonna do?
Like that's how I felt too on the day
of, I was not so chill leading up to it.
But on the day of, I
actually surprised myself.
Yeah.
But I had the same feeling.
the most important people
in my life are here.
So if we sit on the ground and eat
pizza, that, you know, it is what it is.
It's, I get to marry the
person I love with the people
around me that mean the most.
That's really what it's with that
being said, you are allowed to
throw a little fit to yourself.
If something doesn't
go, it doesn't go wrong.
Yeah.
As long, I mean, doesn't go right
as long as it's to yourself.
Yes.
No, absolutely.
'cause I feel like every bride I
talked to there, if you look back,
I'm sure there's a couple whole slip
ups or a couple things of course
happened the way it was supposed to.
Of course.
but yeah, it is about perspective
and being able to look back and
just being like, okay, this is like.
The most amazing people in my life
are here and I'm just, you know,
grateful to be surrounded by them.
and some things you can't control, right?
You try and control so much when you
plan your wedding, but some things
are just totally out of your control.
Yeah, no, for sure.
So what would you say, like
some, like parting advice, as
I always, I read confessions.
At the end of this, but with this
story and just like people that are
maybe in the midst of their wedding
planning right now, what's some like,
just parting advice you would say when
it comes to etiquette and planning?
maybe wedding stress, that
kind of comes to mind.
I know that's kind of
like a big ballpark, but.
Anything that comes to mind.
I
think it, it really goes back to what
I said before, that this is the day
that your job is to balance how can I
create a great experience for my guests
and respect my family and the people
contributing to the wedding, but not
allow that to take away from me having.
The day that my partner and I dream
of having, you know, how can I respect
traditions that are important for my
family, but also bring in things that
really mean a lot to us as a couple.
so I think that the details are so
important because it's what makes the day.
But I think that story again was
the perfect example of, having a
good attitude and communicating well
and not letting the stress get the
best of you if you're really in it.
I probably would've.
Rolled my eyes if someone said that to me
when I was planning, like, don't get the
stress, don't let the stress get to you.
But when I look back, I think the
one thing I wish I did differently
was stress a little less.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And so I think it's, if you can really
focus on that, you're so socially aware
and emotionally and aware that you're
having your dream day, but you're not
forgetting that you're also touching other
people's lives In the process of it, and
you kind of have the power to make that
a good experience for everyone involved.
Yeah, that makes me think of too, it's
like if you wake up on the wrong side
of the bed, you know, and like something
happens, like you stub your toe, it's
gonna be the worst thing in the world.
So true.
When you wake up and like the sun's
shining and you st your toe, you're
just gonna like laugh it off.
It's so true.
It's like, it's all about that
perspective of if you start
your day off and you're like.
Three things are gonna
go wrong today, whatever.
And you just like, enjoy the day and
enjoy being surrounded by people.
It's gonna be such a better experience.
You don't want those little,
like, little things get to you.
Exactly.
It's so hard, but it's true.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay.
I always like to like end these with
confessions that people send me.
Talking about like wedding gifts
and giving people, gifts at showers.
These are Okay.
Weirdest gifts that people have received.
Oh, this is fun.
Okay.
this says a used Turkey roaster used.
Okay.
That's probably not very good etiquette.
Okay.
Yeah.
Don't listen.
okay to regift, but it
doesn't, it can't be used.
my husband's friend gave us
a candle and a gallon Ziploc.
Oh, full of condoms.
Okay.
I did not read that whole thing.
Hey.
All right.
my boss, who was both of our
bosses, got us one round TV
tray, or not two, one for $10.
All right, last one here.
My father-in-law got a box full of ketchup
as a wedding gift, and he loved it.
Know your options, I
guess, to each their own.
Maybe that's what he loves.
but maybe that was the best gift
giver because they purchased
something for him that he loves.
Yeah.
Right.
It's about, again, I had,
it said it a million times.
It's about the gesture and thinking of the
person more so than the monetary value.
Yes.
What's your take on?
cause I never thought this was a
thing until people were posting,
wearing black to a wedding.
I think that this is very outdated
back in the day, it was, much more
suited as a color of mourning.
It was a more serious color.
And, but I think that that
has evolved over time.
And black can be really chic.
That doesn't mean that it's black tie,
you have to wear black, but I don't
think there's anything wrong with wearing
black It's also a, cultural thing too.
Different colors at different weddings.
So if you're attending a wedding of a
culture that is different from yours,
you might wanna do some research or
ask a family member of the couple
of what the proper protocol is.
Okay.
But generally speaking, there's
nothing wrong with wearing black.
Okay.
That's what I know.
I was like reading all these
stories about people showing up in
black and it seen as a bad thing.
And I was like, I think I've worn
black to a couple weddings, but like.
I don't know.
Yeah, I think that's outdated.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, awesome.
Well, thank you so much for coming on.
I'm so glad Oh, my pleasure.
To connect.
I've learned so much from you, and
I'm sure our audience will too,
because I'm always ending questions
about etiquette and like, especially
when it comes to weddings and events.
So this was so awesome.
Well,
thank
you for having me.
This was such a fun conversation.
before you go, can you just share
again your social handles where
people can find you, the names of
your books and all that good stuff?
Sure.
So my website is www.oldsouletiquette.com.
I'm on Instagram and TikTok as
Mariah Grumet Humbert, H-U-M-B-E-R-T.
my first book is, what Do I Do?
Every Wedding Etiquette Question Answered.
the second book is The
Essential Wedding Planner.
Awesome.
I love it.
We'll link
them below as well so people
can check you.