Speaker 1 (00:00.172)
Yeah, there's no limit to the expansion and to the beauty of what you can bring. So if you're listening in and you're like, yeah, God, life has been really intense and there's been so much going on. I really could use some foundations that will help. Well, that's going to help you. But also if you're like, well, my marriage is actually going good enough and my life is going good enough. And that's good. That is going good enough. But why stop at good enough when you can have amazing?

And that's also this agreement, this foundation can give you amazing, which is what we're going for.

Yeah. And yet it is true.

It's been hell the last week for us.

Yes.

Speaker 1 (01:00.024)
Hello and welcome to this new episode of the He Wants She Wants My Age podcast. Today we're going to bring you through the three agreements that have helped us surviving the worst hell that we've been through in the last few weeks together as a couple. So if you're feeling ever like life and situations are getting too much that

no matter what you try and do, conflict is just what's happening and that life and situations are actually getting in the way of your marriage, of your married life, that they're making it so impossible to navigate without constant fights. These three agreements are going to really help with that. That's what we're giving you today.

I'd love to add something. It was literally just before coming into recording that I was thinking because that is important. And we have been navigating incredible like tsunamis one after another, after another, after another. The recording, the camera set up, the software, getting the podcast transitioned, et cetera, et cetera. It's been just conflict with the world actually.

those agreements have helped us remain connected within all of that. And it's also true. I really want to put it forward to people. It's not just for conflict. Conflict is it's a part of living with life, you know, not resisting what is, et cetera, et cetera. But it's for everybody that mightn't resonate with the word conflict because

a lot of couples and I know like I go you know a few months ago it's like on a point hey we were cruising there was a lot of things that were going really well

Speaker 2 (02:59.628)
These agreements that we use, they're for going at life. They're for, I believe, talking with so many people, I believe it's true that every single couple on the planet, every single couple listening in, like I invite you guys, just touch base with that. Like what's true in that is there are dreams that have yet to be expressed. There are visions, there are trips to be had. There are

new creative endeavors individually and maybe whatever experiences to to come through, you know, husband, wife and collectively together. And as a family unit, these agreements are for that as well. So it's all the way from how to navigate conflict in a way that continually brings you back to connection. But probably the most important thing is like, that's the foundation for actually Rockets of Desire going

to be do or have whatever you want as a husband, as a wife, your kids and together as a family. I think that's a really important thing to to plant into the into the minds of couples out there.

absolutely, yeah. There's no limit to the expansion and to the beauty of what you can bring. So if you're listening in and you're like, yeah, god, life has been really intense and there's been so much going on, I really could use some foundations that will help. Well, that's gonna help you. But also if you're like, well, my marriage is actually going good enough and my life is going good enough. And that's good, that is going good enough. But why stop at good enough?

when you can have amazing. And that's also this agreement, this foundation can give you amazing, which is what we're going for.

Speaker 2 (04:48.884)
Yeah, and yet it is true.

It's been hell the last week for us. I'm curious, what is your description of that hell that we've been through?

Yes.

Speaker 1 (05:06.574)
someone asked me yesterday, how's your week been? And I was like, everything that could possibly just go wrong, did go wrong. All the way to the point that our water was cut off yesterday for the day, you know, little things, but in terms of what we were trying to achieve in work, nothing was working. And this has been like a couple of weeks as in the...

the technicalities of setting up where an episode two of this new chapter of the podcast and all the technicalities. Nothing was working, glitches everywhere. And then in this year, of course, navigating life, you've got the kids, you've got what we have.

the animals to tend to and then we also were not feeling very well health wise. So everything, all the factors were in there to make it health to the point that personally and I know you have your version of it but at some point it's like you're just sitting there going am I gonna cry? Am I gonna laugh?

Actually, I'm numb. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm just defeated. I think that describes the week or the last couple of weeks. There was like a sense of pushing through to the next step, next step, because, you know, you can't stop. But there is an underlying sense of being defeated in that. And that does not help relationship, of course.

Well, like, as you well know, wasn't last night. It was just a night before. Myself, I want to just keep it real with you guys. because there's I think there's too many people out there talking about relationship, but it's almost like well.

Speaker 2 (06:59.864)
Their marriage seems so perfect. I know I've been listening to some teachers and it's like. It's great. It's cool what they're talking about, but the origin story is like, it's almost like where they were they always happy.

two evenings ago, I literally was at the dinner table and I think it's the worst that my energy had got in, I believe it's over a decade. It was depression. It was just in that pocket, in that moment. I didn't have energy. Elena said it. What was her comment there yesterday when I said something, Joan go, you know, Hey, daddy.

You know, yesterday evening I'm back, you know, I was low on energy. Eelenda just went low on energy. You had no energy. Yeah. It just there wasn't anything left in the tank to give. In fact, we had tried to do the recording and it just wasn't coming. Like we tried to do the Zoom. I just had nothing left. And you supported me beautifully. I cried.

I spoke to a multitude of different things that were live within, found a reset button, a good night's sleep. next yesterday morning I was at found my inner mojo, found my directionality. And in fact, all the solutions that my nervous system was were blind to or was blind to. They all started coming to the surface and hence here we are. I think we the part that I would like to speak to is that road trip.

that we had because I had set the challenge to to yourself and myself that we would find three agreements. And we found that it was, could have been impossible. That was definitely a feeling that I had. It was like, just have to get this down to three simple statements. First and foremost for ourselves. I had previous statements in my work before that are super powerful, but it was too long. There was too much packed into those statements.

Speaker 2 (09:11.276)
And what we ended up coming up with and in fact, with the week that we've had, we've had to use those statements to we've had to like ring every bit of juice out of them. So it was like the it was like the perfection of the universe. It's like we came up with this and then the universe said, well, that's cool. Cool theory, guys. You might have felt inspiring, like inspired in that trip when it all just came true and you were on a high.

Now we're going to put you into hell for seven days or whatever amount of days after those

Yeah, you gotta test it. gotta, before you share it to the world, you gotta test it. Although, well, we have tested it for like 17, almost 18 years, but there was like a need to test those three specific agreements and make sure they works. Tested them.

Yeah. And it came from the inquiry inside of ourselves and together of realizing we do things we've learned as a couple to do things in an incredibly safe way to be able to ride whatever the intensity. And I keep going to the tsunami idea to ride a tsunami together individually, collectively, both wounds triggered. It's messy.

but to do it safely. So it was really to get to the essence, like what is it that we're doing that we weren't doing before? Where we would just go into absolute shutdown where I would stonewall for days at a time, weeks at a time, actually. Like the conversation just couldn't kick off. You had went to, hey, I think that the loyalty word, you just didn't want to do it.

Speaker 2 (10:57.56)
to our girls to go through divorce because you had experienced that so it was like that flat line of hopelessness, that helplessness.

Mm-hmm.

And what we came up, well, it was part we had been speaking them anyway, but the essence we went with. Number one, there's the presence. It's playing poorly well. Two, there's the protection, being the port in the storm. And three, there's progress. Big dreams, small steps. Let's rinse. I think it'd be a really cool thing to rinse through our use of them.

navigating the tsunami and inner world, outer world hell that we've been through in the last week to just give a flavor of the power of how we have been practicing with those. Talking about presence, playing poorly well, what's in that for you in the last week that has been meaningful?

Well, presence is effectively what has been at the foundation of safety, which is really important.

Speaker 1 (12:10.254)
within the word being present, within being present, meaning you are actually in here, you're not somewhere else. And we're going to obviously expand and explain this more and more and more. There's so many aspects to this, but to keep it quick, it's like you are in your body. You're in here. You're in the now. You're not caught in whatever was happening in the past or even, you know, a few hours before whatever is going to happen tomorrow and the anxieties of the future. And you're staying in.

in the moment as much as possible. Now, when you are sitting trying to record an episode of a podcast for the 15th time and there is another glitch and your husband is looking at you going, oh, it's going to work this time. I found the solution. And then no, no, it's not working. The audio is not working or whatever. You can go in the past and go, well, that's the 15th time. And all that frustration comes at you full force.

And then you just, you know, I would give out to you or get hired or snap or whatever. Or you can go into the anxiety of the future. Like this podcast is never actually going to work. We're going to be doomed. That's it. Catastrophizing what's going to happen and get very anxious. So and all of that as well is going to project. being able to know and most of all, when you're doing it together and that is the power of this work.

it's doing it together because in those moments to be able to first remind yourself, okay, I can play poorly well, which brings me back to here, brings me back to what I can do in this moment. What is it that I can do right now to support myself? But if, and in some moments I wasn't doing that, as in I wasn't reminding that of myself because I was caught and that happens. mean, we're human, but because we're doing this together, you could

look at me and go, I see a woman displaying poorly well and it's like, that's an immediate reminder. I know exactly what he means by that. And I know what I'm supposed to do. Gives me a deep breath, brings me back in the moment as a reminder. And that's the power of. The power of this work and the power of this work in marriage is, you know, that is not always all on you.

Speaker 1 (14:33.986)
There is this reminding to each other as well as your relationship with yourself as you're reminding yourself and playing poorly well also means that you don't have to be perfect all the time. And you can just go, OK, yeah, I'm not at my absolute best today, but in this place where I am today, I can just be at my best that's available right now. So that's in short.

Yeah, it's a beautiful description of it. I want to give to honor the source of playing poorly well that for me has been such a transformative idea since I read about it. It comes from the golfing great Jack Nicklaus, who I think he's still the all time greatest. Like he has won more Masters in golf, more

of the major tournaments than anybody. don't even think Tiger Woods. I think Tiger was coming close and then Tiger did what Tiger went through, what Tiger went through. But Nicholas was asked in an interview. He's like, okay, Jack, you're really brilliant. You're clearly, you're the all time, you're golf's greatest player ever. Nobody has ever won more than you. You've been at the world's number one position for longer than anybody else previously.

But on their day, nearly everybody else in the top 10 in the world can beat you. On their day, they can nail you. What is it that defines you from these other players that can play just as good as you? What is the defining difference between you?

And the answer that his answer has rocked my entire life and has transformed everything for me as a husband, as a father, just as a man, as a human being. He's like, I learned to play poorly well. And what he meant by that was. And I think, I think anybody can resonate with this. And that's why we've locked in with that as a principle.

Speaker 2 (16:44.92)
playing well when you're feeling well, well, that's just easy. You're in the flow, know, you're happy, things are going good, whatever the causes and the conditions have just come. You're feeling energized, happiness connection, you're making love, whatever. It's you're just in flow. That's not

so important to know what presence is then because it's just naturally flowing. The moment is taking you there. What Nicholas found was the most important time for him to practice was on those mornings when he had done the exact same warm up, the exact same practice before the round. He had done his mattress. He had done

everything that other days you know quote and co worked he'd hit the first tee and it just wasn't happening where the day before it was like just straight down the the fairway now it was just a little bit to the right when he just wanted a little bit to the left the putts where he cut and missed the day before on these days it would just be short or would

just lip out. He was just that like fraction of a millimeter off and it just wasn't coming his way. And he learned to play poorly well. On those days, he would note within himself. It's like, I'm having one of those days. And he wouldn't get upset. He would just go, okay, I got to surrender into this. It's going to be one of those days. I've been here before. And in doing so,

He wouldn't let frustration build up. In doing so, he wouldn't let and I'm assuming that some thoughts would have came into his head of, God, crikey, I should have got that. But he wouldn't allow one of those thoughts or a mini wave of emotion take him over. He would just reframe and go, Hey, you've got this. Play poorly well. And he'd keep going forward.

Speaker 1 (18:57.08)
Yes. And you mentioned something that's really important and you're probably going to hear our dogs in the background right now. They're going.

Yeah, Mitsu, you're a little Pomeranian, the smallest dog on the planet with the loudest voice.

Exactly. But what you said is like, I should have got it better. know, like I should have got the shot better or the technicalities of the podcast should work or marriage shouldn't be this difficult. It should always flow. We should always be in that connection space. So all those shoots are enemy number one. They really are. And we...

We have parts. mean, how many times have you judged yourself? Have you blamed yourself? Have you blamed your partner? Have you blamed whatever? I mean, I was blaming the poor guy that sold us the lights for 10 minutes and we said it in episode one, but that's OK. It's. Those parts are the parts that. Are not going to support anything that you're wanting to create in life, any expansion, any.

progress and hence the third principle that you were speaking to is progress but until there is that presence you can actually access that process, progress and and the shoulds are gonna get in the way. I was warned for love should just be like perfect. Roses in the garden all year round and if it wasn't like that then I was with the wrong person or I was

Speaker 1 (20:35.298)
the wrong person, which was actually quite a strong voice. It's the part of me that's still there. But that's playing pool well goes okay. All of those shoots, that's a ton of concepts that have been put there in your life by your experiences from your childhood, your family, your society, whatever. But that's actually not where you create the marriage you want the life you want.

the progress you want to experience.

Yeah, the should in my nervous system is one of the most. Degrading. It's like I find it's degrading because I'm in a mode of degrading myself and my power and it all I should or you should. It's like it's degrading my power. It's it's degrading you. It's degrading anybody. It's one of the worst.

tools and coping mechanisms from my childhood that has permeated. I'm hoping it just doesn't come through as powerfully, but it still shows up. Definitely this week there were plenty of sheds. The service online, that should have been better. Their customer support, like waiting seven days, there were plenty of sheds. I still think some of them are a bit valid when it comes to that service. They've been pretty

Pissed poor. But anyway, shifting to the so that's playing poorly well presence, learning to as a couple go, hey, I'm having one of those moments or for us, we're having one of those weeks. Nothing seems to be going our way and playing poorly well and being able to go, hey, we said multiple times, hey, maybe I'm playing poorly well here. I'm owning what's coming up.

Speaker 2 (22:33.038)
And that's a real that, as you said, it's that self ownership, owning what's happening inside of yourself. The second one. And that has been a revelation for me in the power of it. It's like the counterbalancing force of it, because you can play poorly well and take that responsibility as a husband or a wife. And yet there can be an escapism in that if you don't have the counterbalancing of number two, which is protection. Which is play.

you know, the agreement of I'll be your port in your storm because the storm, it is inevitable. You know, two evenings ago, I was caught in a storm playing poorly. Well, I still was practicing playing poorly. Well, I didn't take it out on you. I told you at the table, Hey, I'm playing pretty well. I need your support. So there was that. And yet it's also true. I was caught in a storm and I needed.

I needed that support. needed that the protective power of can you hold space for me? And we came in on this couch and you did such a beautiful job, but there's that counter balancing power that that brings. Yes, we individually agree to play pretty well, but hey, there's going to be moments when either one of us are going to be caught in such a storm. Don't attack me if and when my play

my playing poorly well is just nowhere near where you'd love it to be. How have you experienced that part of playing the port in the storm and that counterbalancing play of taking extreme ownership but also leaning in on me and being there to allow me lean in on you?

Yeah, has been really essential because as you said there can be a trap in the playing poorly well which is...

Speaker 1 (24:39.488)
we do take 100 % responsibility of our own system and to play poorly well. But if you, as you say, are caught in a storm, the other person can go, well, you are not playing poorly well right now. And that's not going to be very helpful because that's going to be pulling up the fences. That's going to drive a wedge. That's going to create conflict. And it's going to stop progress. So knowing that there's this, again, protection, there's this

I know that no matter what.

you're going to be there. And the same because we've had you've had you mentioned two evenings ago, you have had the need for me. You were like, OK, I actually need your support right now. I need to sit down with you and I need to support. that's where I was being deported in the storm for you last night. I was in a complete meltdown. I wanted to curl up in a bowl and cry. That was actually all that my body wanted to do.

Yeah, and just like the humorous nature of it, like the shoulds, we had the context guys was both of the girls on you and Elena, they've started doing dance class together. So for their hour class, Elena joined last week. We've decided we'll see if the habit lasts, but it's like a little it's a mini date night. We go off to this cafe that we really love. So there was in essence, there was a lot of shoulds on that situation. It's like

time to ourselves, cup of tea, coffee together, a snack. It's date night. It's like we've got 45 minutes of a mini pocket of together time and then boom.

Speaker 1 (26:26.614)
Yes, after a week that's been hell, you know, the amount of pressure that can actually go on this 45 minutes and then in the middle of it, there is like one sentence, another sentence, a topic comes up. We don't want to go into that now, but it's something that's like triggering. I'm not in a good space and it just goes from roses to a disaster. But again,

That's a way of seeing it if you're going with a lot of shoots and if you're putting that pressure of perfection and self-judgment and all of that stuff but when you have these agreements it was it was pretty immediate of okay clearly this is what's needed now.

I was playing poorly well because we were in a context that I couldn't actually really fully, I remember you said to me, you know, tell me let's practice and I'm like, I would love to practice as in speaking practice, but if I talk, I'm going to burst into tears. I'm in the middle of a cafe. Actually, everyone knows me here. It's a little bit intense right now. I don't feel like I want to do that. So I'm going to stay quiet. But in that...

there is a holding space and there is a part in the storm. So that capacity to actually just do it for each other when it's needed. For me, what it does is speeds up the process because I would have been in it. Ultimately, it was like we went back into the car because I asked you, I was like, I need a space where if I need to cry, I actually feel comfortable doing that.

And I had a good cry, but ultimately it I think it was like a five minutes thing.

Speaker 2 (28:14.166)
Yeah, five minutes versus five hours like a few years ago.

Yeah, this could have been something that goes into silences that goes into nothing that we go collect the girls again And then like you know you've all been there at one in the morning. Are you asleep? Because I need to talk and That goes on till four in the morning, and it's not conducive. We've been there plenty of times in the past

my god.

Speaker 2 (28:42.264)
First 12 years of marriage, 90 % of our marriage conversations was pillow talk. Clearly me avoiding, avoiding, avoiding, avoiding. And then obviously you got to some point where you're lying there and your nervous system doesn't have the business, doesn't have anything and you needed to talk. So I'm really glad we can do the five, 10 minute version now. One thing and this is in me finding the power of these simpler

mantras, these agreements in that moment, you you brought that, said a few sentences owning some part of you and the thing that was off about a trip that I coming up and what I was bringing up for you. And I went with playing poorly well and I brought what was what felt like my truth. What was what I was feeling as a result of that. But I could feel

I could feel that tension inside of myself. There was like, if I didn't have the second agreement in that point, I wouldn't have been able to to actually snap to the level of practice that you were needing. The situation was calling off me as a husband was, yeah, Mark, you can hang out with playing poorly. Well, speaking your truth. But there was literally that thought that came, you know, after what, five, 10 minutes, I was like, OK.

The thought came. Port in the storm. And there's that other simplicity of that. Like there's three agreements that for me is like the promised land internally because of all the different things I've been doing and it's been working and amazing. This has been a next level simplicity for me where my five year old part

in them in a moment of deep emotional intensity and there's confusion. There's lots of stuff happening internally. Simple, ultra simple port in the storm. My five year old goes, dude, I can get that. I know exactly what that is. My five year old can look at you and go, she just wants important to storm Mark. Come on, let's let's bring it. And that really suited me and it brought that next level to it. And there was that one moment.

Speaker 2 (31:07.404)
where actually the three agreements came in together.

Should we talk about the third one first and then bring all the three together?

Okay, kick off with the turge. Kick off with the turge.

used the word should so maybe I shouldn't have used the word should. Yeah well it was just to the third one being progress and I know we touched on it but it's like there is that's only accessible with the first two in place when you have that sort of okay I'm gonna play poorly well in a reminder

the other person, the support, you know, the other person is going to be a part in the storm when that's really not accessible because we're human beings. But with that safety and support, with those two, with the presence and the protection comes the progress. And that's almost like it happens. But there can be and I'm I know I'm one and I know you are one as well.

Speaker 2 (32:10.184)
Air! Woah woah woah, put that finger down on your own stuff here. That finger is a passive aggressive should coming through your body.

But we both want to go for like I want to have it all I want you know, I want the podcast to be like number one on the charts tomorrow. I want to have my 20 by 40 arena outside to ride my horses yesterday. I want you know, I want I want I want and it's okay actually to

It's he wants, she wants, marriage podcast. mean, I want, that's awesome. Knowing what you want, expressing what you want, that's all great. But to get to that place, you're going to need tiny steps. So the big dreams, tiny steps, it's such a powerful reminder that everything that we're doing, it's actually already progress because it's a tiny step that is necessary to get to the big dream.

And you can't get to the big dream without tiny steps. And the big dream can be anything, effectively any want that you have from... And sometimes that can be, want to go out to dinner tonight. And if you've got a family and if you've got a lot of commitments and stuff, and if you've to get the kids dressed up or find a babysitter, there's a ton of tiny steps. And that can seem like a very simple want. Or the big ones of I want to...

go on a sabbatical for six months, like they're no matter the size of it is going to have tiny steps. So now if you want to just put them all in together, that's OK.

Speaker 2 (33:54.506)
No, you're not directing this. Now there's something completely different that I want to speak. Don't tell me what to do. You're actually speaking to a phenomenally important part for me personally, and I believe it's going to have relevance for husbands, wives. think everybody will have some element of this. I had that frustration with you for so long where

You were saying, no, I don't want to do this visioning thing. I don't want to put like, why God Mark? Like this was, it was a real tension point. I didn't know what to do. It's like, I was in love with you clearly. was like, Hey, that's. And I would hear things of it would just come up. You wanted to travel. It's like, well, that's part, that's a vision we need to put on your nervous system would shut it down that that conversation.

Technically, me understanding that when a nervous system doesn't feel the first, which is presence internally. And that was a real defining point for me. It's like it didn't matter to a point that my presence and the safety of it that it could bring for you, you and your incredible trauma healing course and your personal journey.

you realizing that there has been this lifelong or from the first few years, pretty much the majority of your life, there has been this static background, unsafety pulsating in your nervous system.

Speaker 2 (35:42.304)
our nervous systems can't project a future vision to go towards from a point of in this moment, not feeling safety because it just doesn't make sense. Like biologically, I'm not feeling safe. There must be a danger around. You're not thinking of the harvest in autumn. You're thinking of a bear could jump out. There's no point of sitting down doing a plan. It just doesn't make sense. Me understanding that.

has really supported me going, wow, I could really get it. I had plenty of shuds, but you should because why? There's the law of attraction. All of these teachers, they all say you need a vision board. They all say that you need to write down and journal exactly what you want in the future. I just want to put that out. That was a frustration for me as a husband. If anybody is experiencing it with their partner, but as important for people listening in to go, yeah, I actually find it

really challenging to think about, you know, six months down the line, a year down the line. I just want things as they are now. And you might find it threatening when your husband or wife goes, hey, we could do more. If you're finding a shutter inside of yourself, I'd love for you to speak to that just briefly that I can see you like the bread coming up in.

Yeah, actually that you brought that up. wasn't...

I hadn't thought about that and it's such an important point. We actually spoke to that in the conversation about these three main agreements. And it's coming back to me. I remember I was answering you. I'm just trying to get to Friday. That's you don't ask me this. Oh, where do you want to be? I remember you. My most read question from you was, oh, where do you want to be one year from now? I'm oh, not this again. No, I want to be alive. I think and actually I've learned since then.

Speaker 1 (37:39.856)
that there were parts of me that didn't even want to be alive an year from now and that's a whole like I mean that's a whole episode or more than one but literally there were parts of me that did not want to be alive that didn't think they deserve to have a vision they didn't deserve to have anything so literally my nervous system was shutting down and from the outside and even from the inside because even from me was like sure everyone else can do this what the

He's wrong with me that I can't sit down, put a few pictures together and go here, there's my vision board or even journal about the future or I couldn't.

I, you know, when you're saying that, I'm so grateful for the insights that your healing journey has brought, has brought to me as a husband and you sharing that with me. Because my human experience felt so alienating and it would bring up shame for me. And I think that deep wound of unlove that we all tend to have in this profoundly sick society, my version of that was

I'm trying my best over here. You know, I'm wanting to bring you on a vision. I'm actually coming to you. It's like, why won't you meet me there? There was a part of me that was like, is there something wrong with me? Why don't you want to come with me? You know, my inner child was like, I'm, I'm just like a small boy trying to bring the girl he really loves on this cool journey. And, and you're like just getting through the Friday. God, you know, like

So there was a frustration with you, but underneath the frustration was, I good enough? Am I lovable enough? Like, do I not matter? And that has been such a revelation for my nervous system to go, Mark, you know, it never had anything to do with you. And actually knowing the depth of detail, it's like there's nothing but compassion and empathy that comes up in me to go, wow, that's

Speaker 2 (39:46.062)
That's a pretty horrifying human experience when you don't know, you know, hearing that challenge.

The good news is that when through this work that I've done in the past few months and healing and understanding these parts and all of that, like literally I came to you one of the mornings I was like, well, I've done a one year vision, a five year vision and a 10 years vision in detail. It's all on paper. I know exactly where I'm going. You were like, what? What just happened?

Yeah, I think my nervous system is the one freaking out at this point. You brought so much. was like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Where's my inhaler? I need support. What's happening? Whoa, time out. It's been really, really beautiful. And, and that's the essence for big dreams, small steps with the support, you know,

It's it is to bring that safety, to bring that presence and protection that they are the two foundations. It's like they're the pillars and on top is the promised land of big dreams. But it's small, small steps, ridiculously small steps you don't do. There's that lovely line of Mother Teresa that my mother used to love us like you can't do we can't do great things. We can only do

Small things with great love. They're teeny tiny. They're just human actions. It's a small conversation, but it's when you string them all together that great things can happen. The big dream can happen. But we weren't going to get there. And this is why for me personally, I'm so passionate about this shift in the project of he wants, she wants me doing the work so in

Speaker 2 (41:40.014)
intensely and intentionally was beautiful and it brought our marriage to a point and I'm proud of that and you met me there as much as you could. But you coming and bringing it together and you drilling down intentionally on this and coming with this common language. It's limitless what's coming true. And I'm really, really loving that. Big dreams, small steps.

We bring in that point now. Now is the right point. There is that moment guys when. Well, we had, it's just a week off. Inner hell, outer hell, nothing going right. And it's also part of environmentally. We live in Roscommon, Ireland early January. So it's dark, cold, wet our yard. We were out doing the horses.

There was like six inches of muck and like a quarter of the yard. It just was like physically and environmentally horrible. And we had just before coming out had three hours of problem solving, problem solving, problem solving and zero solution. So it was nothing but glitches and, and health and my breathing. And it just was like sick. was like, there was just horrible. I was there going, I'm looking at my

inner world. No part of my body is feeling right. I don't want to be here. God, these horses. I just want to go on holiday. My whole like that's what what was coming through me. And I looked at you and I could see nothing but hell written in your face and your tone of voice.

I was in 10 out of 10 pain on top of it, knowing that you couldn't breathe properly, my physical pain and again all the above that you've mentioned.

Speaker 2 (43:39.64)
And what came to me in that moment was the three agreements that were practicing together. And all I did guys was

state the three agreements. I looked at you and it was like, baby, I see a powerful woman doing her best to play pretty well. And that just immediately sort of grounded you. stopped you going around. You were busy doing things and it stopped you. And I followed up with I'll be your port in any storm. I'm here for you no matter what happens today and any day going forward.

And then it was the final one. Let's not forget, baby. What we're doing now is we're taking one small step towards our big dream. We can be do or have whatever we want. are on the way. Today is a step towards that. That changed the tapestry emotionally of everything that was happening that day. What what did me stating those

three super simple statements to you. What effect did that have internally?

Well, I'm having a deep breath even hearing you saying it again. I'm here going, wow. Well, these are like the perfect marriage vows. I'm actually listening and put that way and say to one another, that's where you are. Like every day and every moment, that's what you're doing. But anyways, that's a different episode. But what it did for me, it pulled me out of same shit different day.

Speaker 1 (45:22.732)
Because on paper, it looked very much like despite all that we're trying to do, we're actually stuck in the exact same shit. It's the same mock. It's the same, you know, it's the same situation. On top of that, actually is going worse because, you know, we've both had symptoms that have been quite intense recently. So there was a strong same shit different day feel and it was dragging me really down.

really and I could feel it's like every step is just really heavy. But it was immediate. was like, whoa, OK, brought me back to presence, feel wrapped in support and reminded that what I'm doing actually has a meaning because, yes, I am tending to something that although it seems like I'm doing the same actions, I now have a vision. And this step today is bringing me closer to that vision. So it was like.

I mean it's a very, it's not a very long sentence. took a few seconds and I was like I had done, I don't know, my yoga and meditation and nourishment and had a good meal and a good cuddle all in one go like just in those few small seconds. So it changed the whole thing completely.

And that was for you, the divine feminine. I'm feeling as like you were able to surrender in that moment. For myself as a husband. And it's like, it's just amazing. I'm loving this dynamic because we're playing with the same playbook. For me as the divine masculine in that moment, you know, I think any husband out there and it's part of our genius and it's part of the like the unwitting worst things that we do in marriage is

that Masculine wants to fix.

Speaker 2 (47:14.926)
It wants to protect. It wants to feel capable that no matter what the situation, I can do something to alleviate pain and suffering. I can do something to bring a solution to it. But I think every husband in the planet will go, yeah, God. And every husband on the planet has the pain and suffering of 99 % of the times when we try to fix the situation, our beautiful queens go, I just want to feel seen, heard and safe. Don't be, because the fix tends to be practical.

Me previously was I'd see you in that in that moment. I try and do more for you or I go, hey, baby, I'll do that. And you you you shut it down. I wouldn't have been meeting your needs. It felt so empowering for me. Those simple ideas, so simple agreements. was like magic. I felt like a magician. It was. Wow. It felt like the ultimate fix.

but a fix that actually worked. felt just me feeling crap inside, seeing you, me just having the idea of, this is the agreements. I already felt more powerful. I already felt more present. I already felt a greater clarity as I was speaking them. I was settling in and it was evoking the response in you. It was like the ultimate fix.

I know husbands around the world, they want the ultimate figs, figs that actually works. But it really had a wonderful effect internally. I wanted to add that to it's not all about evoking the external. It just really, really worked. I think that's an epic time to bring this into landing. It's been a really beautiful sharing baby. This is at the end of a week of hell. We're here.

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (49:10.79)
super early Friday morning Sunday, last Sunday evening, we had said, okay, tomorrow morning, we're going to record this episode. We've been writing a tsunami every single day. And yeah, it's, it's not an exaggeration to say that these three agreements have have us here on a Friday morning. I'm feeling really good. Grumble in the tummy. I'm wanting breakfast, but beyond that, that's the only thing that is not right in my world in this moment. So.

Yeah, thank you for meeting me there. And I'm just really grateful that we have this this mini teeny tiny playbook that we can come back to again and again going forward. Yes.

Yes. Okay, let's wrap it up.

So everybody listening in, thank you for listening and holding space for our intimate rambling. It's our expectation. It's of deep value for you. Just knowing how much value it's bringing for us. Thanks for listening in and yeah, we look forward to inviting you into our comfy couch for episode three early next week. Until then, yeah, dare to go get what you want.

Yeah. Bye.

Speaker 2 (50:28.152)
Bye.